Where There's Smoke There's Fired
Aired 30th April 1996 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by Philip
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane.
Niles
[into phone:] My God, after all our years together - all the good times, all the bad times - you can't loan me a meager four thousand dollars? You must appreciate how hard it is for me to approach you about this. I thought I meant more to you than this, but apparently I don't. [hangs up] And they call themselves "the friendly bank!"
Martin
What do you need to borrow money for?
Niles
I saw the most exquisite Biedermeier footstool.
Martin
For four thousand bucks? Niles, your mother and I didn't pay that much for our first house.
Niles
I know, dad. I lived there.
Martin
Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris's money to throw around anymore. You're going to have to start cutting back a little.
Niles
I have cut back. Last month I told my masseur I could only see him once a week.
Martin
[sarcastic:] Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath" when Ma Joad did that.
Daphne
You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do and cut out coupons.
Niles
[interested:] Coupons. Well, what a wonderful way to economize. Well, I could clip them and give them to my personal shopper.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, good morning.
Niles
Hey.
Frasier
Daphne, has Bebe Glazer called back yet?
Daphne
'Fraid not.
Niles
You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier
Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. It's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner.
Frasier
I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Niles
Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.
Frasier
Hello, Roz.
Roz
Hey.
Frasier
What have you got on the new owner?
Roz
Oh, plenty.
Frasier
Yeah?
Roz
His name is Wilford S. Boone, but he likes to be called "Big Willy."
Daphne
Well, there's a little snapshot of his psyche right there.
Roz
He's an eighty-five year-old Texan. Practically no formal education but he went from errand boy at a radio station to owning his own media empire worth six hundred million.
Niles
[distracted by coupon:] This is great, I don't even know what "Renuzit" is, but it's twenty cents off and I want it.
Roz
You're clipping coupons?
Niles
[proudly] I'm economizing.
Roz
Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
Niles
She said authoritatively.
Frasier
Excuse me, could we get back to the subject at hand, please?
Martin
What are you so antsy about?
Frasier
Dad, Wilford S. Boone-
Roz
Big Willy.
Frasier
Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, alright? - Wilford S. Boone owns thirty radio stations across the country. If he likes you he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide. So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common - an angle, if you will. So what are his interests, Roz?
Roz
Well, it's all in there. He likes whittling, rodeos, the novels of Zane Grey...
Martin
[sarcastic:] Gee, Fras. It's like you two were separated at birth.
Roz
He also owns a 5,000 acre cattle ranch and the world's largest collection of antique six-shooters.
Frasier
Oh dear God, I'm sucking up to Yosemite Sam!
Roz
I think if we really want to impress Big Willy we should think of some Western theme to do for the show today.
Frasier
Great idea, Roz. [sarcastic:] Why don't we just start the show off with a segment on how to get in touch with your inner young'un.
Gil
[in booth] What a fascinating theory! Do go on.
Frasier
What's going on?
Bulldog
Oh, this is great. I told Gil the new station owner is a Greek tycoon.
Frasier
He fell for that?
Bulldog
Hook, line, and souvlaki!
Gil
You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton, they can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's glorious Feta. It's not just for shepherds anymore! This is Gil Chesterton saying Bon Appetite, or as we say in Athens, Kali Orexi! [presses button]
Frasier
Oh Gil, you've been had. The new station owner isn't Greek, he's from Texas.
Bulldog
[to Gil] You are so easy!
Gil
Well, I hope you're happy! I've just given four stars to a restaurant called "A Taste Of Greece." Which, trust me, is no misnomer.
Bulldog
Well that's what you deserve, trying to suck up to some senile old coot!
Bulldog
Hell, he probably can't eat anything but strained peas and farina! [laughs]
Frasier
[stopping him:] Uh, Mr Boone?
Boone
[strong Texan accent:] Yeah, that's right.
Frasier
Pleasure to see you. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is Roz Doyle, Gil Chesterton and... [points at Bulldog]
Bulldog
[covering up:] I'm Skippy the lunch boy. So, uh, that's two strained peas and a farina for the big guy. [exits]
Gil
Oh, uh, Skippy? Change my order! I've got a sudden hankering for baby-back ribs and corn bread. [exits after him]
Boone
Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
Frasier
Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
Boone
Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."
Frasier
Don't be silly, Big Willy. [Roz and Frasier keep in their laughter]
Boone
You see, I'm engaged to be married.
Frasier
Oh, congratulations.
Boone
Well, sweet young thing. Just nuts about me. Problem is, she smokes.
Frasier
Oh lord, that is a very bad habit.
Boone
Oh, it's a vile habit! Would have destroyed my affection for her if, well she didn't possess certain... compensating gifts. [Frasier and Roz trade a look.] Anyway, as a favour to me, could you help her?
Frasier
Well, I'll certainly try. Just keep in mind, though, addiction is fraught with many complex issues. Length of habit, motivation...
Boone
Forgive me, sometimes I don't express myself too clearly. When I say, "could you help her," what I meant to say was [definite:] HELP HER!
Frasier
Consider it done.
Boone
Much obliged. She'll be in touch. [exits]
Frasier
That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler.
Roz
Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You make this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to syndication.
Bebe
[enters booth:] Did someone just say the word "syndication," or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favorite client?
Frasier
Oh, Bebe. [they kiss cheeks, he continues to moan]
Bebe
Is something wrong, dear?
Frasier
Well, yes.
Roz
We just met Big Willy...
Frasier
Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician. He wants me to play therapist to his little fianceé. No doubt some gold- digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin and just...
Frasier
Oh, dear God!
Bebe
Isn't it wonderful? We met last month and it was love at first sight.
Roz
First sight of what - his bankbook and a cardiogram? Two minutes. [exits to booth]
Bebe
I'm hurt that she can even joke about such a thing. I love that dear sweet old man with every fibre of my being. [lights a cigarette]
Frasier
[sarcastic:] I'm sure you do. I'm afraid there won't even be a wedding if you can't get rid of that rotten habit, and he's just ordered me to see that you do!
Bebe
God, you'd think a touch of emphysema were the end of the world!
Boone
[enters] What's that in your hand, woman?
Bebe
Sorry, pudd'n. Bebe slipped.
Frasier
Just that all-important last puff. [stubbs it out for her]
Boone
Well, see that it is! Well, Dr. Crane, I'm heading out of town for three days. When I get back on Sunday, I expect my little gal here to be smoke-free by then.
Frasier
[worried] In... three days?
Boone
Now, you do whatever it takes to help her, doc! Drugs, straightjackets, electroshock... [exits]
Bebe
You see how he dotes on me.
Frasier
Excellent progress, Bebe! You've really dived into the emotional void that is the route of your addiction. Your fear of abandonment, your fear that those you trust will suddenly turn their backs when you expect them to... [doorbell sounds] Excuse me.
Bebe
My God, it all seems so clear now. You're a miracle worker.
Frasier
If I had a dime for every time... well... [opens door] Niles!
Niles
Hello Frasier, I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this.
Frasier
Thank you Niles, but why so many?
Niles
I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse." You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary and they have a huge selection. I found french fries and french doors in the same aisle.
Frasier
Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up!
Niles
You laugh, but I could do it like that. [snaps fingers] So, how goes the great smoke-out?
Bebe
Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your brother is. He has tunneled his way into the very depths of my psyche.
Niles
Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.
Bebe
Well, I'll be running along. [to Frasier] I'll see you at ten tomorrow. In the mean time, it's exercise, lots of fresh spring water and nicotine gum for cravings.
Frasier
That's my girl.
Niles
Oh, Bebe, you know I'm writing a paper on addiction and I'd love to ask you some questions - unless there's some reason you're eager to be off?
Bebe
[covering up:] Me? No. No, not at all.
Niles
Well, I just need to discuss a personal matter with Frasier first.
Bebe
Of course, I'll give you some privacy. It's time for my water anyway. [exits to kitchen]
Frasier
Yes, Niles?
Niles
Let her out that door, she'll smoke half a pack before the elevator hits the lobby.
Frasier
How can you know that? You hardly spoke to her.
Niles
Well, obviously you didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
Frasier
She always looks like that, she's an agent.
Niles
I know about addiction. It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years. The only way to deal with it is to lock her up, take her money, and watch her like a hawk until it's out of her system.
Frasier
That means she would have to stay here for the weekend.
Daphne
Who's staying all weekend?
Niles
Bebe Glazer.
Martin
[worried:] Here?
Daphne
[worried:] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier
She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin
[sarcastic:] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.
Frasier
Not to worry dad, there is no reason she has to stay for the weekend. Bebe and I made a real breakthrough today. If you don't believe me, just come on into the kitchen and you'll see that I'm right.
Bebe
[exiting the kitchen] I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles, wedding preperations and all. But I'll remember those helpful hints. It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.
Niles
Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.
Frasier
All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend. Now give me that purse.
Bebe
All right. Let me remove one very precious momento.
Frasier
Very well.
Frasier
Oh, stop it! [yanks it away from her]
Bebe
More!
Daphne
What again?
Martin
That's her third serving.
Frasier
Now, now Dad, it's flattering to Daphne that Bebe finds her food so tasty.
Bebe
I'm orally fixated. I could eat a half-stunned wharf rat if you put some gravy on it!
Daphne
I'll bear that in mind come breakfast time.
Frasier
No, please, please. Let's all try to remain supportive of Bebe. I think she's really doing rather well.
Niles
So, I hear your fiancee is well to do?
Bebe
Very. [to Martin:] You gonna eat that fat? [takes it from him]
Niles
Well, marrying money can have it's perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Frasier
Niles, Big Willy's eighty-five, he's on his third pacemaker.
Niles
Ah. [raises his glass to Bebe] Mazel tov!
Martin
Just out of curiosity, has this guy ever seen you eat?
Bebe
After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier
Well, this is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe
[dismissive:] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier
No, really. Perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker. Dad, can you tell us about those moments you crave a cigarette most?
Martin
Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a water glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette - next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. [Bebe gazes at him longingly] Of course, gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne
Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe
You know there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes - bitch!
Niles
There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe
It isn't disgusting, it's wonderful!
Frasier
Oh now, Bebe, tell me. What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe
Everything. [with actions:] I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. [Daphne comes back with a bowl; getting more erotic:] Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me. [laughs giddily] I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs. Little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper, until I think I'm going to burst! Then - whoosh! - watching it flow out of me in a lovely, sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same.
Daphne
More potatoes, anyone?
Bebe
You're up early, Miss Moon.
Daphne
[spins around] Oh! God, you startled me! [chuckles nervously] Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe
Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.
Daphne
Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe
Oh... can't I?!
Daphne
You open up right now!
Bebe
All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me, capisce?
Daphne
No!
Bebe
[getting to her:] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne
All right, you asked for it!
Bebe
No! No! Please, I beg you.
Daphne
Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak. Oh, oh, I'm losing my grip.
Bebe
Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll... [quickly:] I'll make you a star!
Frasier
What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe
[childishly] Daphne was smoking!
Daphne
She made me!
Frasier
[opens the door] Daphne, give me those.
Daphne
[does so and enters] Oh, look at me! I'm all damp and chilled to the bone.
Frasier
I'll get you a towel. My God, it's five-thirty in the morning! [opens the powder room door] Dad!
Martin
I couldn't sleep.
Frasier
Have you people all lost your minds? [throws Daphne a towel] Alright, now listen, get back to bed, every one of you!
Martin
All right, all right...
Bebe
Thank god you came in when you did! She was praying on my weakness. Who knows what I might have done, probably... THIS!
Frasier
Oh, get her! Stop that woman!
Frasier
Bebe, you will not be allowed to smoke a cigarette in this house! [she tries to edge around him] No, no, don't even think about it! All right, just give me those!
Frasier
All right now, that's it! Back to bed!
Frasier
Oh my God, you're insane, woman!
Martin
That's it, no more house guests.
Bebe
Get off me, you brute!
Frasier
Hand them over!
Bebe
Never! [phone rings]
Daphne
That'll be the neighbours! [answers:] Hello? Oh, hello! One moment, please. [whispering:] It's Big Willy!
Frasier
[takes phone and nicely as Bebe struggles:] Big Willy, hello! No, no, it's not too early, everybody's up! [Bebe growls] Well, you know, there have been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her, yeah. [Bebe growls again] Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say hi, hang on.
Bebe
[sweet:] Hello, pudd'n. I'm fine, and you? Oh, nothing's too much trouble for you daddy. Bye now!
Frasier
[takes phone:] Yes, sir? Oh, oh, really? No, no, I'm very flattered. Yes, of course, I'd love to, I'll talk to you this evening. Bye-bye. [hands phone to Daphne] Thank you, Daphne. [to Bebe:] All right, now listen up! He thinks I'm very gifted.
Bebe
Mmm.
Frasier
He thinks I'm wasting my talents in just one city! My God, woman, he wants to take me national, don't you get it? Unless YOU ruin it for me!
Bebe
[cries] Oh my God, sorry. Here, take 'em. [hands over packet; he lets her up] I don't know what came over me.
Frasier
Well, don't be too hard on yourself, Bebe. After all, addiction to Nicotine is a very, very difficult... hey, wait a minute. This pack is half-empty!
Frasier
For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here, [tosses her a lighter] go ahead, knock yourself out. [Bebe begins to light cigarette] I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe
[stops] When what happens?
Frasier
When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead."
Frasier
Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe
Stop it!
Frasier
You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Because you'll have your cigarette.
Frasier
Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe
Enough! [Frasier looks at her triumphantly] God! [hands over cigarettes and comes in] You are one hell of a therapist.
Martin
Hey, you back from the wedding already?
Roz
No.
Frasier
There was no wedding.
Roz
No wedding, no syndication deal...
Martin
[notices Bebe:] What's she doing here?
Roz
No money, no fame...
Frasier
Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag.
Roz
No beach house, no pool boys...
Frasier
Oh will you get a grip, Roz?!
Martin
Well, what went wrong?
Frasier
Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. [imitates] You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.
Martin
Well, if I were you I'd get her away from that balcony rail. The doorman gets ticked if you even through a piece of gum over the side. [exits]
Frasier
[opening balcony door:] Bebe, dear? Please, come on in. [she does] That's a girl. All right, let me have a look at you. Come on, here we are.
Frasier
Well, I don't really blame you, dear. You know, Roz and I are both upset too. You know, look at it this way at least you're no worse off than you were before.
Bebe
[angrily stubs out her cigarette] You don't know the things I did for that man - the depraved, Western-themed appetites I satisfied!
Roz
He was eighty-five, how bad could it have been?
Bebe
Ever worn a saddle? [Frasier grimaces]
Roz
Do I have to answer that?
Frasier
Well, you know, Bebe, there are other Big Willys out there, better ones! Richer, older... [she's not convinced] Impotent!
Bebe
[cheering up] Oh dear, you always know what to say. I know what hell I put you through over this. I insist that you take this, [hands over something] as a small token of my gratitude.
Frasier
Oh Bebe, really... [gasps] Look, Roz! It's a gold Rolex! Oh my goodness...
Frasier
[realizes] Bebe... where did you get this?
Bebe
[beat] Just don't wear it to the funeral.