Frasier Loves Roz
Aired 7th May 1996 · Written by Suzanne Martin · Directed by Philip Charles
Frasier
Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom
[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself Or because things are so great between us physically.
Frasier
Well, how long have you two been together?
Tom
Six years.
Frasier
And the sex is still that good?
Tom
Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common.
Frasier
Well, common interests are of course the foundation of... three times, you say?
Tom
Is that abnormal?
Frasier
Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal.
Frasier
Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
Tom
That's a good idea! Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.
Frasier
Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.
Frasier
Well, that's it for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health. [goes off the air]
Roz
Niles called from the airport, he wants you to call him back. He sounded frantic!
Frasier
[walking into her booth] I'll call him from the car. He's flying to a conference in Switzerland, I promised to talk him through it.
Roz
Surely he's flown before?
Frasier
Well, not coach!
Frasier
Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?
Roz
I have to, I'm a bridesmaid.
Frasier
[trying to be tactful] Is there a reason it has to be so, so...?
Roz
Hideous? It's supposed to be, so that way, the bride, By comparison, will glow! [holding the dress up to her distastefully] Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug zapper. You know, of all my friends in Wisconsin, this girl was the last one I thought would beat me to the altar.
Frasier
Not the Dairy State's comeliest chunk of cheddar?
Roz
Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream parlour and she eats her mistakes. The groom's family makes cones.
Frasier
Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we?
Roz
The whole thing is just so depressing. Lately everyone I know is settling down, getting married, having children. What am I doing wrong?
Frasier
[packing his briefcase] Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?
Roz
As a friend!
Frasier
See a therapist. [he turns back to his briefcase]
Roz
Frasier!
Frasier
[relenting] Well, Roz, I think your whole problem stems from some unresolved issues that cause you to choose the men you date. Always flashy and superficial, offering no prospect of a lasting relationship.
Roz
Why would I do that?
Frasier
Maybe fear of commitment, fear of being hurt. But maybe it's time you started looking at different kinds of men. You know, men who are more settled, a little less flash and more substance.
Roz
You're probably right, Frasier. Hey, if I were smart, I'd go out with the next guy I see I'm not the least bit attracted to.
Bulldog
Roth, Roth, I juth bit my tongue. Can you kith it and make it better? [sticks it out]
Roz
The next one after him. [Frasier nods in tacit understanding]
Bulldog
Oh, Doc, Doc. [takes a camcorder from the trolley] Here's my video camera.
Frasier
[accepting it] Oh, thank you, Bulldog.
Bulldog
What do you need it for?
Frasier
Well, I'm going to record my father. I'm going to have his life on tape so Frederick can enjoy it in years to come.
Roz
What a good idea!
Bulldog
[seeing the dress] Whoa! That's the ugliest thing I ever saw!
Roz
[snapping] I'm going to a wedding.
Bulldog
Oh, I love weddings. Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag at least one bridesmaid. And the uglier the dress, the quicker they want to get out of them. This one would hit the floor before the rice!
Roz
I've got to get going. Can you believe I actually have to be seen in public in this thing?
Frasier
Well, Roz, it's only for a few hours. After that you can donate it to the Salvation Army... and one day make some Irish drag queen very happy.
Niles
What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So I ducked out of the conference and who should I run into, but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat placenta treatments!
Frasier
Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
Niles
We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran, I tried to follow her tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.
Niles
[putting a hand to his face] Oh, dear...
Frasier
What is it? What's the matter?
Niles
I just spotted someone. It's my least favorite patient. The man's a compulsive womaniser. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.
Frasier
Oh, God.
Niles
Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?
Frasier
Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? [Niles nods] How long have you been seeing him?
Niles
Six months. We've made no progress whatsover. Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!
Frasier
Oh puh-leease! A hundred and fifty!
Niles
As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.
Frasier
Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.
Niles
Oh, now serving one hundred and fifty-one.
Frasier
[turns and gasps] Good God! He's here to see Roz?
Niles
Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.
Frasier
[panicking] Niles, you don't understand. She-she's been very vulnerable lately.
Niles
[getting up and taking his coat] Well, I hope you'll forgive me if I don't stick around. I'd like to leave before she makes introductions.
Frasier
I've got to warn her!
Niles
[alarmed] Warn her how? What I just told you was in strict confidence, therapist to therapist. You can't go repeating it!
Frasier
But-but-
Niles
No!
Frasier
Oh... of course, of course, you're right, I won't. But that is the last man that Roz should be with!
Niles
Well, don't worry. Knowing Roz, he won't be.
Roz
Hey, Frasier!
Frasier
[uncomfortably] Oh, Roz!
Roz
I'd like to introduce you to someone. This is Ben Collins.
Frasier
[standing and shaking his hand, obviously discomfited] Frasier Crane, pleasure.
Ben
Likewise.
Roz
Is it all right if we join you?
Frasier
Oh, why not??
Ben
I'll grab our coffees.
Roz
He is the greatest guy! You know, when I first met him, I thought, "He's not my type." Then I remembered what you said. And I'm so glad you gave me that advice, Frasier, because without it, I would never have given him a second look.
Frasier
Well, Roz, let's not rule out that all-important third look.
Roz
Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier? This one's different. I can tell he really cares about me.
Ben
[ominously] Here you go, Sunshine!
Martin
Why can't you be like other dogs? Why can't you bring home bones or animals you kill?
Martin
[taking the flowers] Give me those! Relax, I'm just going to put them with the roses you picked yesterday.
Frasier
Oh hey, Dad! Fresh from your walk? I think now is as good a time as any to crank up the ol' camcorder.
Martin
Nah, maybe later.
Frasier
Oh Dad, you've been saying "no" for weeks now!
Martin
Well, gee, some people would take that for a hint!
Frasier
All you have to do is just sit here and talk about your life.
Martin
Life's got nothing to do with it! This is about me dying and you having something to look at after I'm dead. The whole thing gives me the creeps!
Frasier
I can't believe you're refusing to record your history, the story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell, because it gives you the creeps!
Martin
OK then, I'll tell you the real truth. [mockingly holds the limp tulips to the back of his head] My Indian heritage forbids it. I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my spirit.
Frasier
I don't know why you're being so negative about this. It's not really for when you're dead. It's for when you've lost your mind.
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
[sarcastic] Oh hello, Roz! Why, after waiting for forty-five minutes, did I assume you'd forgotten our appointment?
Roz
Sorry, but uh... I was on my way out, when Ben called.
Frasier
Oh yes... Ben.
Roz
Oh, what's with you? Every time I bring him up, you make that face. I'm getting the sense that you don't like him that much.
Frasier
It's just that I know something about Ben...
Roz
What?
Frasier
[improvising] He's a little old for you.
Roz
He's thirty-six!
Frasier
Exactly my point! [clumsily] When you were a freshman, he was a senior. That never works out! [changes the subject] I'm getting my briefcase!
Roz
I'll go get a Coke.
Roz
Oh, hi, Daphne! [gets a Coke from the fridge]
Daphne
Hello, Roz. How are you?
Roz
OK... can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you-?
Daphne
Oh God, yes.
Roz
I haven't finished my question yet.
Daphne
Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.
Roz
[laughs, then] Well, this is strange. I mean, for the first time in years, I'm in a really solid relationship, and instead of being happy for me, Frasier seems upset.
Daphne
Oh, that is odd. Unless...
Roz
Unless what?
Daphne
Well... [conspiratorial] Dr. Crane is jealous of Ben because he wants you for himself.
Roz
Huh? [laughs] Ohhh, no, no, no!
Daphne
Yes, what else could it be?
Roz
Fra-Frasier? What, you really think so? [pushes Daphne playfully] Daphne, no! No way! No, he doesn't - Frasier is the one who told me to find myself a new boyfriend. Someone who is settled, someone more nurturing, someone with substance over flash.
Daphne
They could put that on Dr. Crane's tombstone.
Roz
[starting to believe it] Oh, come on! No way!
Daphne
Yes! Wait, there's something else.
Roz
What?
Daphne
I probably shouldn't tell you this. But earlier this morning, Dr. Crane was on the phone with his brother and he said that your relationship with Ben was driving him crazy, [Roz's jaw drops] and that he was dying to tell you but he can't.
Roz
[almost screeching] Oh my God, did you hear him say that?!
Daphne
I certainly did!
Roz
Oh, this is too weird, this is too weird! What am I going to say? Maybe I won't say anything. Maybe he'll just see how happy I am with Ben.
Frasier
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben! My God, Roz, would you just drop it with Ben for a minute and pay some attention to me? [storms back out]
Roz
Oh-kaay!
Frasier
Morning, Roz!
Roz
[nervous] Hi, Frasier!
Frasier
Hey, you look lovely, that colour's very flattering!
Roz
Thanks.
Frasier
You know, I think this calls for a hug!
Roz
[backing away instinctively] Oh, I don't look that good.
Frasier
No, no, no, no, Roz. Look! [holds up the magazine] My God, the ratings are in, and we did better in our timeslot this week than ever before! Congratulations, partner!
Frasier
Why don't we have dinner tonight, celebrate?
Roz
That sounds so fun... but I kinda have plans.
Frasier
I should have known. [laughs uneasily] Another time, perhaps.
Roz
Yeah sure, that sounds great.
Bulldog
Yo, Doc. When are you going to return my video camera? I got a hot date tonight and I want to record certain events for posterity, if you know what I mean.
Frasier
Uh... tomorrow, Bulldog. [Bulldog starts to protest] Well, maybe tonight you could just have a police sketch artist crouch on your balcony.
Roz
[on the phone as she files her nails] So Mom, let me ask you something. How long did you know Dad before you told him you loved him? Mom? Mom? Mom, you've been divorced fifteen years! Let it go!
Roz
Listen, Ben is coming over to dinner tonight, and I think I'm going to tell him I love him.
Roz
I gotta work, bye!
Frasier
[fumbling] Oh I'm, I'm sorry, Roz. I should have knocked.
Roz
[just as flustered] It's OK, it's OK, it's OK!
Frasier
I couldn't help overhearing the last part of your conversation there. You think you're not rushing things a little bit with Ben? Are you really that serious?
Roz
Yes, I am.
Frasier
But you know, there are a lot of men in the world.
Roz
And lots of women, too!
Frasier
[beat] Well, that's more of a personal preference but I...
Roz
I meant for you! Look, Frasier, what I'm trying to say is I know you have a problem with me and Ben, but we're happy together.
Frasier
Well, it's just that you've only been going out for a month!
Roz
Well, sometimes, that's all it takes. [noticing the time] Fifteen seconds! Listen Frasier, I'd like to think that there's some small part of you that is happy for me. After all, it WAS your advice that got me this far!
Frasier
Of course I'm happy for you.
Roz
Thanks.
Frasier
[to himself] Me and my stupid advice... [notices the "On-Air" light] will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!
Martin
I'm not doing it, it's morbid.
Niles
It's not morbid. And besides, if you don't do it, the only footage we'll have of you in the family archives is you pretending your stomach was a face that summer at the lake.
Martin
[puts down his paper] Alright Niles, if it'll shut you up, I'll do it.
Niles
Thanks, Dad! We'll make this quick and easy. [he adjusts the camcorder, then looks at Martin] Is that what you're wearing?
Martin
Forget it. [picks up the paper again]
Niles
No, no no, all right. Here we go, here we go. [starts recording] OK...
Martin
My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty- four years old. But now... I'm DEAD!
Martin
Trapped in a box, underground... [chuckles] Pretty scary, huh?
Niles
Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin
Alright, alright, I do. [Niles starts the tape again] Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...
Niles
Future generations: see what I had to put up with?
Frasier
Hello.
Martin
Hello. [getting up]
Niles
[to Frasier] Hello. [to Martin] I suppose this means we're finished?
Martin
Well, unless you want future generations to see me go to the can! [he goes off]
Frasier
Niles, actually I'm glad you're here. I have to talk to you about Roz.
Niles
Oh, no, no, no. I've breached my ethics once already.
Frasier
Niles, please, I've gotten desperate!
Niles
[puts his fingers in his ears] No, no, no!
Frasier
Niles, she plans to tell him that she loves him tonight! [Niles takes his fingers out] From what you told me about Ben's patterns, that will be the end of it and Roz will be shattered. God, there has got to be some loophole in this confidentiality rule that will allow me to warn her and still preserve your ethics. [looks at the bookcase] Niles! Help me look through these textbooks!
Niles
[starts leaving] No, I'll have no part in this!
Frasier
Please, Niles! Think of Roz!
Niles
I'm thinking of my license!
Frasier
Well then, think of what Freud said! "We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."
Niles
Oh, all right! But that was dirty pool, using a Freud quotation.
Frasier
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Niles
It's the Crane boys' kryptonite.
Frasier
I know, I know. Thank you.
Frasier
Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he means to do her bodily harm. Does he?
Niles
No.
Frasier
Damn!
Niles
It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
Frasier
Go on...
Niles
Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. [puts down his textbook] Is she irrational?
Frasier
She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.
Niles
Borderline, borderline. Does she ever act delusional?
Frasier
Well, she often claims that she is responsible for the success of our show.
Niles
Building, building. Does she display below-average intelligence?
Frasier
[triumphantly] She once ordered a bottle of white Zinfandel!
Niles
Jackpot! [stands and points at the door] Go to her, she's a threat to herself!
Frasier
It's amazing they even let the woman drive!
Roz
[from inside] Who is it?
Frasier
It's Frasier!
Roz
pulls it open: she looks a mess. She's clad in the awful lime-
Frasier
Oh my God! What happened?
Roz
[sobbing] He dumped me, Frasier!
Frasier
Oh, oh, honey! I - come here. Oh God...
Roz
Everything was going great! [sinks into a dining chair] Until I said "I love you, Ben." Then he got this look on his face, like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood! He didn't even touch the champagne.
Frasier
Oh I'm... I'm sorry, Roz. Here. [hands her a handkerchief]
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
When you... [she blows her nose loudly] when you professed your love for him, uh... were you dressed like that?
Roz
No! After he left, I went in to change, and I saw all these old bridesmaid dresses hanging in the closet. And that's when it hit me. That's what I am, a bridesmaid! I might as well wear the uniform!
Frasier
Oh Roz, no, no! Now, now, come on!
Roz
Yes!
Frasier
Come on! Now look, look, you know, I find that whenever I'm low, it always lifts my spirits when I just spruce up a bit. It wouldn't hurt to run a brush through your hair... or through your teeth.
Roz
Oh God! [pushes him back and goes to the dresser] I must look awful!
Frasier
No, no, not at all.
Roz
You're a big fat liar. [turns back to the mirror] But you were right about Ben, and I just didn't see it. What made you come over here anyway?
Frasier
Well, actually, I was coming over here to take one last stab at convincing you that Ben was the wrong man for you. You deserve someone better, Roz.
Roz
Oh, yeah, [trying to tug a brush through her snarled hair] I'm a real catch! [gives up and sinks onto her bed] Hell...
Frasier
Oh, now, things really aren't all as dark as they seem. You know, you're a-a beautiful, intelligent, desirable...
Frasier
Why don't you let me just take a stab at that, will you? [starts brushing her hair out] I can't imagine any man not thinking himself the luckiest in the world to be with you.
Roz
You really do... think that, don't you?
Frasier
Yes, and I'm surprised you even had to ask me that.
Roz
I guess I didn't. I've known that you've had these romantic feelings toward me, for a while.
Frasier
[shell-shocked] What?
Roz
Oh come on! Don't deny it. Those hints about finding someone with substance over style, the way you hated Ben. And then Daphne told me she overheard you telling Niles that you couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to tell me the truth!
Frasier
Daphne told you that?
Roz
Yeah - don't be mad at her.
Frasier
No, no, I'm not. It's just that when she said that...
Roz
No it's OK, Frasier. I'm glad she told me. The only thing keeping me from completely falling apart right now is knowing that someone like you could be interested in me.
Frasier
Well, then... there's no point in denying it, is there?
Roz
You know, maybe the idea of you and me isn't so crazy. You are the kind of man I should be with! Smart, gentle... Ow! I said gentle!
Frasier
[stops brushing] Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Roz. Uh, you know, it's just that there are so many...
Roz
I know, I know. Workplace romances always fail.
Frasier
Exactly my point!
Roz
And I'm on the rebound. I've got to give myself time to heal.
Frasier
[nods enthusiastically] Yes yes, lots of time.
Roz
On the other hand, you are the one who always says the best relationships start with friendship.
Frasier
Well, I do say that, yes. It's true, but...
Roz
And we're friends, aren't we?
Frasier
[smiles] We're very good friends.
Roz
Right now we are both free.
Frasier
Oh well, in my case, painfully free.
Roz
[suggestively] You know, maybe if we both went into it with our eyes open...?
Roz
Oh no, what am I saying? My relationship with you is probably the healthiest one I've ever had with a man! I don't want to screw that up.
Frasier
Now that you mention it, my relationship with you is probably the best one I've ever had with a woman! [dejectedly] Not that it's been much of a horse race, but...
Roz
To friendship?
Frasier
[takes the other] Here's hoping the next time you tell a man you love him, he says it back.
Roz
Well, let's see. I love you, Frasier.
Frasier
I love you too, Roz. [she laughs] You gonna be alright?
Roz
Yeah.
Frasier
Well, I'd better run. [gets up]
Roz
Yeah, my saying "I love you" seems to have that effect on men.
Frasier
No, no, I'll-I'll stay if you like!
Roz
No, no. Don't you worry about me. I will not be alone. I will be sliding into a hot tub with my good friends, Ben & Jerry.
Frasier
See you tomorrow, Roz.
Roz
See you, Frasier.