The Focus Group

Martin

You got something on your mind?

Daphne

It's Joe. Tonight's our six-month anniversary, but we can't celebrate until next week because he's flying to Las Vegas with his buddies.

Martin

Oh, Vegas, huh? Great! Well, tell him not to miss the show at the Diamond Lounge: a Topless History of the World! If they've still got the same Bathsheeba he's in for a real treat!

Daphne

Oh yes, that's just where I want Joe spending our anniversary, some smutty show in Vegas!

Martin

No, it's very tasteful and historically accurate. Except at the end, where Eleanor Roosevelt and Eva Braun settle World War Two by wrestling in pudding.

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Daphne.

Frasier

Oh, Niles. To what do we owe this pleasure?

Niles

To an unscrupulous art dealer who's trying to rob me blind. Last night, I was at a gallery opening, and—

Frasier

Niles, is this going to be a long story?

Niles

Moderately.

Frasier

Walk-and-talk.

Niles

Anyway, I was at this opening, in conversation, when I made a rather emphatic point about pointillism, when I lost the grip on my canapé and found that it became airborne! Well, the next thing I know I'm being confronted by an irate gallery owner who's demanding I reimburse him for the damage to one of his paintings! How he could notice a fleck of foie gras on a Jackson Pollock is beyond me.

Niles

He's getting an estimate, and just to protect myself, I seem to recall you knowing a trustworthy art restorer?

Frasier

Oh yes, I do, actually. Saved my life last year when Eddie licked my Liechtenstein! I'll get you his card.

Niles

Oh, thank you.

Niles

You free for lunch today?

Frasier

Oh, sadly, no. The radio station is subjecting my program to something they call a "focus group" this afternoon. Dinner, perhaps?

Niles

Oh, perfect. And what exactly is a focus group?

Frasier

Well, they actually drag a pack of people off the street and make them listen to my program, and then dutifully record their opinions about it.

Niles

How demeaning!

Frasier

Oh, absolutely. Can you imagine Sigmund Freud being dragged into a roomful of Viennese laymen to hear remarks like, "hate that Oedipal thing, but, oh, love the penis envy!" I mean, really! The worst thing is that they may change my show in deference to the opinion of Joe Six-Pack!

Martin

You're worrying too much. I was on a focus group once.

Frasier

That sound you hear is a nail being hammered into my coffin.

Martin

They were trying out a new frozen snack. It was a meatball with the cheese injected right in the middle.

Frasier

Just as nature intended.

Niles

Dr. Niles Crane. Ah. So, you have the estimate? What? Four thousand dollars, to remove a miniscule gobbet of duck liver?! I could do the same thing with a Q-tip and some club seltzer! Oh well, you may very well say "pay up or else," but I have something to say to you—

Woman

[on TV] Yeah, well at least I wasn't fooling around with the babysitter!

Man

[on TV] Shut up!

Woman

No, you shut up!

Niles

Oh please, I have enough aggravation without having to listen to a stupid talk show! I swear, the only life forms lower than the people who appear on those shows are the ones who watch them!

Daphne

Like me?

Niles

What? [sees her] Oh no, I didn't realize—

Daphne

No, no, no, that's quite all right. Although I do find it interesting that I get criticized for listening to people's problems, when all you do is get rich from it.

Niles

Surely, Daphne, even you can see the difference between cheap sensationalism and the practice of psychiatry.

Daphne

Oh, "even me?" As in, "even feeble-minded Daphne?!" Well, I'll tell you what I can tell the difference between: a true gentleman and a condescending prig!

Niles

[flabbergasted] I... am NOT!

Daphne

He said priggishly.

Niles

Forgive me if I'm not as down to earth as you and your tattooed, muu-muu wearing brethren!

Daphne

You pompous twit!

Niles

Couch zombie!

Daphne

Snob!

Niles

Brat!

Daphne

Oh, shut up!

Niles

No, YOU shut up!

Martin

I'm glad we turned off the TV.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry! I'm just so upset at Joe! I didn't mean a word of it!

Niles

Daphne, I apologize—

Daphne

Oh no, it was my fault—

Niles

I called you a couch zombie—

Daphne

No, please—

Niles

[offers hand] Friends?

Daphne

[shaking] Oh, of course.

Frasier

Niles, what was that all about?

Niles

I'm not sure. But, oh, mama, it was glorious! Blood- pounding, sarcastic zingers flying!

Frasier

Are you saying you that enjoyed fighting with Daphne?

Niles

Every exhilarating moment! It was pure, unbridled passion! I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful! The friction between us—

Frasier

Niles, is this going to be a long description?

Niles

Very!

Frasier

Walk-and-talk.

Frasier

[on tape] By showering a reluctant girlfriend with gifts, Billy, you're applying a band-aid to a gaping wound. My advice is to find someone who will return your worthy affection, or your wallet, as well as your bed, will be empty. I see we're out of time. Thank you for listening. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.

Moderator

OK, let's talk about Dr. Crane's show. Oh, I know you've been eyeing this two-way mirror, but the other people behind there are data consultants, so please speak freely. There's no one involved with the show whose feelings could be hurt.

Roz

If anybody says anything bad about me, I'll kill myself!

Frasier

Now, Roz, relax. We do a perfectly good show. We're not going to change it one iota. Only a fool would listen to the opinion of every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

Man 1

I liked everything about it.

Frasier

On the other hand, it's good to keep an open mind.

Man 2

I like that Roz. I think her voice is really sexy, especially that throaty laugh of hers.

Roz

Wow, that's nice. I didn't know I had a throaty laugh.

Collector

You do. I've noticed it too.

Roz

Really? Oh, you. [throaty laugh]

Man 2

The stuff he says really seems to make a lot of sense.

Woman 1

Yeah, it's funny. I mean, he takes his callers seriously, but he can kid around with them too.

Woman 2

Yeah, I listen to a lot of radio, and I think this is a great show.

Frasier

Well, I just don't know how much more of this I can listen to!

Moderator

Manu, I notice you've been quiet. Uh, do you have something to say?

Manu

Me? No.

Moderator

We'd like to hear your opinion of the program.

Manu

Well, it... I don't know. Something about... I don't like it.

Frasier

Well, who is this cheeky nonconformist?

Collector

[checks clipboard] Well, let's see, his name is Manu Habib, married, no children, owns his own newsstand.

Roz

Wow, that is so weird, to hear someone's whole life summed up like that. "Roz Doyle, Radio Producer, single." [throaty laugh]

Moderator

Well, getting back to your thoughts, Manu, you said there was something about the program you didn't like. Can you be more specific.

Manu

I don't like him.

Moderator

Why?

Manu

I don't know. I just don't like him.

Man 2

Oh, I do. I'm gonna start listening to him all the time.

Woman 1

It's a great show.

Roz

My God, Frasier, this is a love-fest! I can't believe we were even worried about it.

Frasier

"I just don't like him." Hmm...

Moderator

Well, looks like our coffee's here. Why don't we take a quick break, OK?

Bulldog

Hey, sports fans! How's it going in here?

Frasier

Bulldog, I thought they were testing your show across the hall?

Bulldog

Oh, yeah, they are. But after ten minutes it's just the same-old, same-old. Guys love me, chicks pretend not to. Whoa, your group's even uglier than mine!

Roz

Would you knock it off? These people happen to like us.

Bulldog

Oh, will you guys lighten up? You got to get in the spirit of things.

Bulldog

Hey, hey! This is great, I live for a moment like this.

Bulldog

That's right, that's right, go for it, right there, right there.

Frasier

Bulldog—

Bulldog

As long as you're in there you might as well go after the Huevos Rancheros you had for breakfast!

Frasier

Oh, stop it!

Bulldog

Hey, ten bucks says he eats what he finds.

Frasier

Oh, that's disgusting!

Bulldog

Come on, come on, come on, come on— [the man puts the finger back in his mouth] BINGO! Do I know these people or what?!

Martin

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Hey, Dad. May I assume from your dress windbreaker that you'll be joining us for dinner?

Martin

Yep, but I'm making a pitch that we eat at the Timber Mill. I got a coupon from there that expires tomorrow.

Niles

Oh. If I dine there tonight, so may I.

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Oh, there's the British bobcat!

Martin

Now, look, she's still a little bit over the edge about this Joe thing. So you better watch your step or you're gonna have a repeat of this morning.

Niles

We wouldn't want that, would we? Chips, Daphne? Was that wise?

Daphne

What do you mean?

Niles

You know what they say, "many chips make for chunky hips." Waddle, waddle, waddle!

Martin

Have you lost your mind?!

Daphne

Oh, no, no, I'm glad if I put on a few pounds. Now maybe Joe will stop nagging me to plump up!

Martin

Hey, Fras, how was the focus group?

Frasier

[sulky] Fine, I guess.

Martin

Oh, well, you said yourself they didn't mean anything.

Frasier

Yes, well, it's one thing to say that. It's another to sit there being personally attacked! One man actually said, [with great weight] "I just don't like him."

Niles

Only one?

Daphne

I'm sure someone must have said something nice.

Frasier

Well, all the other eleven had nothing but high praise.

Martin

Eleven out of twelve liked you? You should be thrilled! F..DR didn't have that kind of approval rating.

Daphne

Yes, or Churchill for that matter.

Niles

Churchill—that cigar-chomping gin blossom with a face attached!

Daphne

You're right about that. There's a kiss hello to put you off your tea.

Frasier

I wish I was able to talk to this man and ask him what it is about me that he doesn't like. But, I-I can't, you see, he was told that his comments would be kept confidential.

Martin

Just forget it. Come on, let's go out to dinner. I'm buying.

Frasier

Well, what is it he doesn't like about me? My voice, my manner, do I intimidate him?

Martin

I don't know! What is it about you? Everybody has to love you! Just like when you were in that play in high school. You get standing ovations every night, all your friends say you're great, you got one lousy review in the school paper and you sulked for a week.

Frasier

Well, you know, Dad, I'd like to think I've matured a bit since then. But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, "Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in 'Bye-Bye, Birdie,' made this reviewer say, 'Bye-bye, breakfast!'"

Niles

That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.

Daphne

I know just what you're going through. I once won a dance competition hands down, but instead of celebrating I spent the whole night fretting over my one bad score. [laughs] Silly-head!

Niles

Idiot.

Niles

[at last] Oh, I've stepped in it now!

Daphne

Listen here, Dr. Crane—

Niles

Yeah, Daphne?

Frasier

All right now, Daphne, just a moment! Just try to remember what you're like when you're arguing with Joe. Consider Niles's situation. He's separated. You can't imagine the emotional see-saw he's on. Not to mention the fact that he may be unaware that he's acting like a complete jackass!

Daphne

Of course, you're right. I'm sorry, I should be more sensitive. From now on, nothing you say can make me cross with you.

Niles

I suppose I had that coming. Though I think "jackass" was a tad over the line.

Frasier

Well, just consider it payback for the headline, "Crane's 'Birdie' Lays An Egg!"

Martin

All right, now, Fras, you got to let it go. You know, no matter who you are, no matter what you do, you can't please everyone.

Frasier

I suppose my negative baggage is just a pound or two over the weight limit.

Martin

O.K., good, come on, let's go have dinner.

Frasier

This is good! This is healthy! I'm letting go!

Frasier

There he is. The man who... doesn't like me.

Martin

I knew we should have taken two cars.

Martin

What are we doing here?

Frasier

I'm sorry, Dad. It's just that "I just don't like him," it's not specific enough. Why doesn't he like me?

Martin

What difference does it make?

Frasier

Well, if his point was valid, I would do something about it. If it's not, well, then I could dismiss it.

Martin

Fine, go talk to him.

Frasier

I can't. He's not supposed to know I was part of the focus group. You, Dad! You could go talk to him for me.

Martin

Oh, for crying out loud—

Niles

Look, if we're going to be here for a while, could we at least lock the doors?

Martin

Relax, Niles, the neighborhood's O.K.

Niles

The docks are two blocks from here!

Martin

So's the Ritz-Carleton.

Niles

Exactly! We're caught halfway between heaven and hell.

Frasier

All I want is more information. Dad, please? Please go talk to him for me?

Martin

All right, if I get an answer for you, can we go to dinner?

Frasier

O.K., fine. [Martin opens his door] Oh, but wait, wait, wait! Now you can't just walk up there and ask him. He'll know that I sent you. Got to find some artful way of introducing the subject.

Niles

Can we at least hide Dad's handicapped sign? It sends a clear signal that we're incapable of fighting back!

Martin

So do your suspenders.

Frasier

All right, I've got it, I've got it. You're a business man in town from Chicago. No, no, it's too obvious. Uh, from Cleveland. No would ever pretend to be from Cleveland.

Martin

Fine, then we eat. [starts to get out]

Frasier

Wait, wait, we're not through yet! Yes, you've had a bad sales month, and you're a little depressed. You happen to see an add for my show on the side of a bus, and you were wondering if I'm as intelligent as I look.

Martin

What?

Frasier

Oh, just word it your own way. Are we clear on this now?

Martin

All right, I got it. Businessman, Cleveland, depressed, then eat!

Frasier

Yes, Dad, eat! Honestly, sometimes you can get so obsessed about things!

Martin

Oh, God, it's raining!

Martin

Hi, I'm Marty Crane. My son's Dr. Frasier Crane. He's across the street in that BMW. [Manu looks] No, don't look!

Manu

Oh, my God. He was behind the mirror.

Martin

Look, don't worry about it. He's not mad at you. He just want to know why you don't like him.

Manu

But I do like him.

Martin

No, you don't.

Manu

Oh, yes, I do!

Martin

No, he heard what you said.

Manu

I can't do this. I don't like to say bad things about people, and you are his father—

Martin

No, you'd be doing me a favor! Just answer this one question, and we'll all get out of your life forever.

Manu

All right. I-I don't know your son well. But, uh, I guess I find him, uh, just a little bit... annoying.

Martin

Yeah?

Manu

Annoying.

Martin

O.K. You did good. Thanks.

Manu

Please tell your son I'm sorry that he annoys me so much.

Martin

Will do.

Niles

Not yet... not yet... not yet. [Martin reaches the door] OK, unlock! [Frasier unlocks the doors; Martin gets in] And lock! [Frasier locks]

Martin

Mission accomplished.

Frasier

Good. Did he believe my story?

Martin

Oh, yeah, I had him going pretty good. That Cleveland thing really sold it. Well, we better go eat now, huh? Before he sees us again.

Frasier

Right. [starts car] So, uh, Dad, what doesn't he like about me?

Martin

He said you annoy him.

Frasier

Yes, how so?

Martin

Well, I didn't ask him.

Frasier

What do you mean you didn't ask him?

Martin

Oh, geez!

Frasier

I'm sorry, Dad, but I have no idea what "he's annoying" means!

Martin

Well, it's clear enough to me!

Frasier

I'm just going to have to do this myself!

Martin

Here.

Frasier

Thank you.

Martin

Who're you calling?

Niles

No one. I just pressed 911, and I'm keeping my finger poised over the Send button in case there's trouble with those hooligans. [points out the window]

Martin

Oh, the UPS men or the little girls playing in the puddle?

Manu

Hello.

Frasier

Hello.

Manu

I can help you?

Frasier

Uh, yes, yes, you were recently speaking with a salesman from Cleveland.

Manu

I don't think so.

Frasier

It was just five minutes ago. He left you and went over to that car waiting right over there. You see?

Manu

Oh, God, no. You're him, it's you.

Frasier

Yes, yes, it is. I'm so sorry, I really don't mean to bother you but I would like to talk to you for a minute.

Manu

I like your show.

Frasier

Oh, no.

Manu

I like your show, and I like you.

Frasier

That man was my father—

Manu

I like your father!

Frasier

Oh, that's very nice of you, but you see, you told him that, uh, you find me annoying. [Manu protests] Yes, yes, you did, and that's all right. I don't mind constructive criticism. It's just that I wish you could be a bit more specific. What exactly is it about me that you find so annoying?

Manu

You're not annoying.

Frasier

Yes, I am! Would I be here if I wasn't?

Manu

Well, I have enjoyed talking to you very much, but it's time for my break.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, please!

Frasier

I'm so sorry.

Manu

I am a sticky mess.

Frasier

Let me help you with that.

Manu

No, no, no, no, it's fine, good.

Frasier

Manu?

Manu

Drive safe.

Frasier

Oh, dear God! I'm so sorry! Are you all right? Let me look at it, let me look at it—

Manu

No, no!

Frasier

Look, I am a doctor.

Manu

No, no, I just go to the restaurant to put ice on it.

Frasier

Right, you know, I'll hold down the fort here! Glad to be of help!

Niles

[matter-of-fact] He's crushed the gentleman's hand, and now he appears to be commandeering his newsstand.

Martin

Uh-huh.

Frasier

Oh, good lord. Smoking in the worst places!

Amanda

How much for the paper?

Frasier

Ah, yes, uh, well, that would be [checks the paper] oh, fifty cents. [she pays] Thank you so much. There we are.

Amanda

Scuse me, are you Dr. Crane from the radio?

Frasier

Why, yes, I am.

Amanda

Oh, I just never miss your show! I love you! I guess you get tired of hearing that.

Frasier

Oh, occupational hazard.

Amanda

[takes out paper and pen] Oh, would you mind—?

Frasier

Oh, I wouldn't mind at all.

Amanda

To Amanda.

Frasier

[autographs paper] Amanda, it's a pleasure.

Amanda

What are you doing here, anyway?

Frasier

Oh, oh, well you see, let me explain, you see. [steps out of the newsstand] The, uh, radio station conducted a little audio survey today, and although the response was favorable from eleven out of twelve of the participants—

Amanda

Is that smoking?

Frasier

[oblivious] Well, some people might consider it smoking, but you see, for me—

Amanda

FIRE!

Niles

Oh, my God. Frasier set his newsstand on fire.

Martin

Mmm-hmm.

Frasier

Uh, may I? [sits beside him] Look, I know there's nothing I can say right now that would make you feel any better, but rest assured, I will be financially responsible for everything.

Manu

All this because you had to know why I do not like you.

Frasier

Well, you were kind of vague.

Manu

You want to know why? I'll tell you why. I think you are a smarty-pants. I was too polite to say that before. But then you spied on me, you stalked me, you badgered me, you poured Yoo-Hoo down my Dockers, you crunched my hand, and then, as if all that was not enough, you burned down my newsstand, my livelihood, a gift to me from my beloved uncle, may he rest in peace!

Frasier

Was that so hard?