You Can Go Home Again

Frasier

This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.

Roz

Happy anniversary!

Frasier

Oh, Roz! Oh, this is so much fun, Roz! I got you one too!

Roz

Oh, thank you! O.K., you first. I mean, it's nothing really, it's not expensive or anything, you probably won't even like it, I'm not good with gifts—

Frasier

Look, don't oversell it, Roz. [unwraps it] It's a tape. [reads] "The Dr. Frasier Crane Show: Show #1, May 21st, 1993."

Roz

It's our first broadcast.

Frasier

Oh, Roz! I can't wait to listen to it! Did you ever think I'd stay on the air this long?

Roz

Oh, hell no. [reads her card] "To Roz, who believed in me from the start."

Frasier

Yes, it's from Hallmark's "Irony" section.

Roz

[opens hers] Oh, Frasier, they're beautiful! Earrings! Thank you, thank you!

Frasier

[hugs her] You deserve them. Working side by side for three years, one can't help but become close friends. And they're blue! To match your... lips when they're cold!

Daphne

Oh, Mum, it's not that I don't want to come home. I'd love a visit! It's just that I can't! He won't let me.

Daphne

Oh, you have no idea what Dr. Crane is like. Why, he's an absolute beast — unpleasant to be around, a real tyrant!

Daphne

Oh! [whispering] It's just my mum. I'm trying to get out of a visit home.

Frasier

[whispering] Oh, I understand. All right.

Daphne

[into phone] No, I'm not exaggerating! He treats me like a bloody slave!

Frasier

[shouting] Daphne! Where's my dressing gown?!

Daphne

Not to mention how cheap he is!

Frasier

[as she holds the phone towards him] That better not be a long-distance call!

Daphne

Yeah, yeah. He does sound a lot like Aunt Lillian.

Daphne

I got to run, Mum. Love you, bye. [hangs up] I'm sorry, you must think I'm a terrible daughter.

Frasier

No, not at all. I think you're a terrible liar, Daphne, but a perfectly run-of-the-mill daughter.

Daphne

It's just that I only get one vacation a year, and I want to go somewhere fun, like Acapulco.

Frasier

Well, that makes sense.

Daphne

And going home is just so flipping boring. It's always the same. There's a wonderful reunion at the airport, and we share all our news on the way home in the car. And by the time I've dropped off my suitcase, we've exhausted all conversation, and that's when I realize I've got a whole week left with nothing to look forward to but Dad telling the story of how he once shared a cigar with Winston Churchill during the blackouts — he thinks!

Frasier

Well, it sounds like an easy decision, Daphne — [raises his glass] Hasta luego.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?

Frasier

Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich... and psychiatrists richer.

Daphne

Yeah, well, maybe I'll just go call a travel agent, see which guilt trip is more expensive.

Frasier

[v.o.; sounding ridiculous] Good afternoon, Seattle. My name is Dr. Frasier Crane. If you can feel, I can heal.

Frasier

Fasten your seat belt, Eddie. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Frasier

Hello. You're on the air with Dr. Frasier Crane. [reading] "Put your head in my hands."

Frasier

"Little owlet in the glen, I am ashamed of you, You are ungrammatical in speaking as you do, You should say, 'to whom, to whom,' not 'to who, to who.' Your little friend, Miss Katydid, may be green, 'tis true, But you never heard her say—" [turns around and sees Roz staring at him] Who the hell are you?

Roz

I'm Roz Doyle, your new producer.

Frasier

What? Producer?

Roz

[shaking his hand] Dr. Crane, I presume?

Frasier

Yes, yes, but, uh, where's Dave?

Roz

Uh, he got another assignment.

Frasier

But I was comfortable with Dave.

Roz

Look, Dr. Crane, I know you've been thrown a curve, but everything's gonna be fine.

Frasier

But I did a mock show with Dave. I did mock-call-in's, mock commercials, mock news bulletins!

Roz

Look, I got a bulletin for you: Dave's out, I'm in, and stop saying "mock."

Frasier

All right, look, Miss Doyle, I'm sure you're quite capable, but Dave has fifteen years of experience. I'd really prefer that he do it.

Roz

Well, that would make two of us then, wouldn't it?

Frasier

I really think I should call management and ask for Dave, it's not really fair to Dave or to me.

Roz

Dr. Crane, Dave dumped you.

Frasier

[whiny] Why? We were here until 2 A.M. this morning, as I explained to Dave in meticulous detail my philosophy of optimal mental health!

Roz

It's a mystery, all right. O.K., look, I'm going to screen a few calls, and—

Frasier

No! No, no, as I explained to Dave before, there will be no call-screening. You see, I want my show to be fresh and spontaneous, and call screening squelches all of that.

Roz

And the mystery of Dave's departure deepens. OK, you're on in five seconds, I'll give you a cue.

Frasier

Good afternoon, Seattle. My name is Dr. Frasier Crane. [reads] "If you can feel, I can heal."

Frasier

Let's see who's on line one! [pushes button] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. [reading] "You're on the couch."

Angela

[v.o.] No, I'm not.

Frasier

Well, I meant on the metaphorical couch.

Angela

I'm in a beanbag chair, O.K.?

Frasier

Uh, moving on then, um, how can I help you?

Angela

It's about my husband... Look, I-I just can't do this, it's really too embarrassing for me.

Frasier

No, no, please, please, dear friend, you must - I'm really here to help you. Please, go ahead.

Angela

...I've tried, and I've tried, and I just don't know what to do about this!

Frasier

Well, you know, often in these cases, it helps if you restate your problem. But this time, try boiling it down to one succinct sentence. Now, how would you do that?

Angela

My husband is dead!

Frasier

Well, perhaps we should go back to the wordy version. [Angela hangs up] Uh, we'll be right back after these important messages.

Roz

Of course I could do a gardening show. If I can grow plants in my dorm room closet, I must know a thing or two about horticulture—

Frasier

Are you trying to get transferred?

Roz

Bye! [hangs up] Look, Dr. Crane, I got to be honest with you here. It's just that I-I think psychiatry is, just, uh, sort of - kind of... bull! [laughs]

Frasier

Oh, well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?!

Roz

Oh, don't be offended.

Frasier

"Don't be offended." Why should I be offended? In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!

Roz

O.K., you got to make the caller get to the point, and then for God's sake, so should you.

Frasier

Duly noted.

Roz

O.K. Number twenty-four... [looks at him] You know what, you're starting to glaze. We can go through the rest of this tomorrow. See you, Frasier.

Frasier

Bye, Roz.

Niles

Oh, excuse me.

Roz

Well, excuse you.

Frasier

Oh, Niles!

Niles

Oh, Frasier! [comes over to the table] What a serendipitous event. How did you discover my favorite coffee bar?

Frasier

Well, the radio station's right across the street. I did my first show today.

Niles

Yes, you did, didn't you? Well... good to see you, have a nice day!

Frasier

Niles, aren't you going to join me?

Niles

Oh, well, I would, but I have a routine. I come in every day, order coffee and spend some quality time... with myself, you understand.

Frasier

Niles, I've seen you once in the last two years.

Niles

Oh, that is your point. Well... very well, in the spirit of blood being thicker than water, why don't we?

Frasier

I remember your fourth birthday party. Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and made all those little children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.

Niles

I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat.

Frasier

Well, uh... oh, uh, thanks again for dinner the other night with Maris. You two seem very happy.

Niles

Oh yes, it's love. Like the Arctic Puffin, we've mated for life. Honestly, I can't imagine even looking at another woman.

Daphne

Excuse me, sir, have you finished with that sugar?

Frasier

Oh, yes.

Waiter

You ready to order?

Niles

Uh, yes. Double decaf non-fat latte, mmm... medium foam, dusted with just the faintest whisper of cinnamon.

Frasier

I'll have a black coffee.

Niles

You'll have to forgive my brother. He just came in on the noon stage.

Frasier

I hope I never see the day when I am so frightfully pretentious that a good-old cup of American coffee isn't good enough for me.

Niles

So, how'd your visit with Dad go?

Frasier

I haven't been to see him yet.

Niles

Really? You've been in town a whole week.

Frasier

Well, I've been very busy, what with settling into the new apartment, unpacking...

Niles

Frasier, you're obviously making excuses. I'm going over tonight for my weekly visit, why don't you come along?

Frasier

Geez, I know I should, Niles. But I'm really in such a vulnerable state right now. The last thing I need is Seattle's reigning sourpuss taking potshots at me.

Niles

Is that what you're worried about?

Frasier

Yes!

Niles

Well, you have been out of touch. Our father's a changed man. Ever since he was shot, he's softened, with a whole new zest for life!

Frasier

Niles, I visited him in the hospital. He made his roommate cry, and the man was in a coma.

Niles

Dad was still in shock. The change came after. As a psychiatrist surely you've seen this? A patient has a brush with death and rediscovers his love of life. Ah, [chuckles] the laughs we've had when I'm over there. I sometimes wonder if that bullet didn't crease his funny bone.

Niles

Oh... thank you. [the waiter leaves] Can you believe the incompetence of that man? I very clearly asked for a whisper of cinnamon, he's given me a full-throated shout! There are countries in this world where they would lop off his sprinkling hand!

Frasier

You know, I'd forgotten what a weird little person you are.

Niles

Dad is going to be positively giddy when he sees that he's got the both of us tonight. [knocks "shave and a haircut"]

Martin

Who is it?

Niles

Niles, and a special guest!

Martin

Oh, jeez... all right, hold your horses.

Niles

[chuckling] How does he come up with those? [Martin opens the door] Look, Dad, it's Frasier!

Martin

Well, I can see that. That punk didn't shoot out my eyeball.

Niles

[chuckling] Stop it! [to Frasier] He sees the humor in everything.

Martin

Frasier, come on in.

Frasier

Thanks, Dad. [they come in] So, big game?

Martin

Nah, they're losing again. Pitcher's a bum.

Niles

He's a bum, he's an absolute hobo! [chuckling] Isn't that right, Skipper?

Martin

Niles, are you drunk?

Niles

[chuckling] Don't be ridiculous! Seeing the three of us back together again in the same room — who needs alcohol for that?

Martin

I do.

Frasier

I do.

Martin

I'll get you a beer.

Frasier

Thanks, Dad.

Frasier

You filthy liar! You said he'd changed!

Niles

Well, it got you here, didn't it? I've been dealing with him all by myself ever since Mom died. Now it's your turn, so welcome home, prodigal son!

Martin

[o.s.] You guys want some pork rinds?

Niles

And that's as close as you're going to get to a fatted calf.

Frasier

No, thanks, Dad.

Niles

Oh, will you stop staring at me?

Martin

Here you go.

Niles

Ah, well, I understand completely, Frasier. Dad, Frasier was just saying that he'd like to spend some quality time with you alone, so I'm just going to slip out.

Martin

All right, suit yourself.

Niles

All right... oh, you haven't met Eddie. [picks up Eddie and turns him around to face Frasier] Eddie? Frasier is the firstborn. [Eddie stares at Frasier] The torch has been passed.

Frasier

So...

Martin

How was your flight?

Frasier

Oh, actually, I drove.

Martin

You take the I-Ninety?

Frasier

Uh, Eighty.

Martin

Should have taken Ninety, it would have got you here faster.

Frasier

Darn. So, Dad, did you listen to my show today?

Martin

No, I missed it. Sorry.

Frasier

That's all right.

Martin

How'd it go?

Frasier

Well, uh, kind of rocky. Spent a good part of the day puzzling over the proper signature line to use to introduce myself.

Martin

Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something.

Frasier

Well, you know, I'm looking for something that's familiar but not a cliché, you know, something that's memorable but not too gimmicky... [Martin turns on the television] You know, it doesn't really matter if it's got something to—Dad, please, I'm trying to have a conversation, it's hard with the TV on.

Martin

Well, I just want to get the score, O.K.?

Frasier

I'm trying to describe to you my dilemna with that phrase—

Martin

[turns off TV] All right, fine, I'm listening. Are you happy? I'm listening.

Frasier

That's it! "I'm listening!" That's fabulous! Have you got a pencil somewhere?

Martin

Yeah, there's one in the kitchen on the table.

Frasier

"I'm listening." Dad - oh, I love that!

Martin

Uh, look, I hate to cut this short, but I told some guys I'd meet 'em down at Duke's.

Frasier

You're leaving?

Martin

Yeah. Whenever you're ready, I'll walk you out.

Frasier

Dad, I haven't seen you in two years, I stopped by and you're leaving in ten minutes?

Martin

Oh, why don't we stop kidding ourselves? You don't really want to be here, and we don't really have anything to talk about.

Frasier

At least I'm making the effort.

Martin

Oh, yeah — it's an effort to talk to me, huh? Well, I guess that's why you only bother coming home once a year at Christmas. Oh no, wait! Sorry, I take that back. Last year you went to Arugalah, wherever the hell that is.

Frasier

Dad, you know you're painting an awfully bleak picture here. Ever since I moved to Boston, I've come home at least three or four times a year. It's just lately things got a little hectic, and I haven't been able to come home as often.

Martin

Yeah... I noticed how busy you got after your mother died.

Martin

But, what the hell, I didn't go visit you in Boston either, did I? So, uh, why don't we just drop this?

Frasier

No. The point is that we're here now, together. I don't want this night to end before we've at least tried to have one real conversation. Will you at least try, Dad? Will you just sit down with me for a while and let's try, please?

Frasier

So, uh, you know, I'd forgotten how much it really does rain here.

Martin

You get used to it.

Frasier

Makes things green.

Martin

Yeah... where would the old earth be without rain?

Frasier

My darling, I would have thought that old fascination would wear off by now.

Niles

Well, hello, there!

Martin

Hey!

Frasier

Oh, hey, guys.

Niles

Frasier, Dad tells me you've been on the air three years today, so we'd like to take you out for a celebratory dinner.

Frasier

Well, thank you. Dad, how did you know?

Martin

Well, I heard that woman who called in.

Frasier

[surprised] You listened to my show?

Martin

Well, I sort of... I feel asleep during the Mariners' game... but when I woke up, you were on.

Frasier

And you didn't turn me off.

Martin

I did not! I listened to you for ten minutes before I finally dozed off again. [laughs]

Frasier

Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears!

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Martin

Hey, Daphne, we're going out to dinner. You want to join us?

Daphne

Oh, thanks, but no. I promised myself that tonight I'd decide what I'm doing on my vacation — either home to the family or to sunny Acapulco. I may just squeeze into my bikini and let my hips make the decision.

Niles

Of course, it would be more memorable if we celebrated at home, just for a—

Frasier

Let's go, let's go!

Daphne

Have a lovely time!

Frasier

Oh, fellas, hold the elevator for me.

Niles

All right.

Frasier

Daphne?

Frasier

I was just thinking about our discussion earlier this afternoon, and I've decided to give you an extra week off. That way you can go to Manchester, and Acapulco.

Daphne

Oh, that's so sweet! You really must think I should go home.

Frasier

Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort. And very often the effort... means you'll need a week in Acapulco, so...

Daphne

[kisses him on the cheek and hugs him] Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

You're welcome.

Daphne

[sighs] I guess if I try a little harder, it won't be so bad.

Frasier

Well, that's a good way of thinking. You know, things can get better.

Martin

[o.s.] Hey, let's go! I got acid burning a hole in my stomach!

Frasier

Still... would you mind leaving those brochures of Acapulco out for me?