Leapin' Lizards

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Frasier, quick, give me your museum membership card.

Frasier

What for?

Niles

I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of fourteenth century Japanese netsuki figurines.

Frasier

Oh, then the rumours were true?

Niles

Hurry, hurry, I want to get there before the line forms.

Roz

Five seconds. [exits]

Frasier

Oh, just give me a minute, Niles. Just sit tight, huh? [on air, reading copy:] And we're back. Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.

Frasier

Hypertension leads to strokes, heart disease and other maladies, so we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath, [motions at Niles to stop] quickening of pulse, irritability- [presses cough button] Oh, will you just shove the damn thing into your mouth! [Niles puts the mint and wrapper into his mouth; lets go] - So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.

Frasier

Roz, who is on the line?

Roz

On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker.

Frasier

Hello, Mac, welcome to Seattle, I'm listening.

Mac

[v.o.; broad Australian accent:] Well, mate, it like your Shelia said. I'm working with a real yob-out. He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart he is.

Frasier

Well, you have my sympathy. There's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition. My advice to you is to simply avoid him, is that possible?

Mac

[v.o] Not really, you bloody wallaby!

Bulldog

You're on right before me! Stay tuned for the Bulldog. [growls]

Frasier

Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it." [Roz is not amused] This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.

Bulldog

Gotcha!

Frasier

How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics?

Bulldog

I've got a sense of humour!

Frasier

I mean it, I'll go over your head!

Bulldog

[sarcastic] Stop it, you're scaring me!

Roz

[enters] Listen, you sleazy little lyme tick, you do that one more time and I'll cut you off. [he laughs] And I don't mean mid-sentence!

Bulldog

[truly fearful] Stop it, you're scaring me!

Frasier

Do you believe these hijinks I have to put up with?

Niles

No. Who would have thought it with a station whose current motto is, "Yakkety-Yak, We Talk Back"?

Frasier

Oh, run along. [hands him museum card]

Kate

Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.

Kate

How do you do?

Niles

Enchanté, I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and me at the Japanese netsuki exhibit.

Kate

You'll love it. I saw it in Kyoto. It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.

Niles

[disappointed] Oh. [hands back card to Frasier] As my Japanese gardener says, Maimoshi chikosho.

Kate

Watch your mouth!

Niles

Oh, you speak Japanese? [she nods] Oh, I'll just retreat so that I can be one with my humiliation.

Frasier

Oh Kate, can I have a word with you?

Kate

I'm in kind of a hurry.

Frasier

Yes, well, it'll just take a moment.

Kate

I seriously doubt that, but go ahead.

Frasier

Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.

Kate

I heard.

Frasier

Yes, well I did not spend eight gruelling years at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass!

Kate

Shameless!

Frasier

Oh, he's beyond shameless!

Kate

I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.

Frasier

Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too some day - when it's credited!

Kate

Gee, you sure know how to ask for help!

Frasier

No, I'm sorry.

Kate

I know, I'll take care of it.

Frasier

Just make sure he understands that...

Kate

[quipping] You went to Harvard, I know, I know. [exits]

Jack

[v.o] Hey, the key to this game is the husky secondary.

Bulldog

Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? You're a moron! Shut up! You know squat! You know less than squat! You and squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt!

Jack

[v.o] You're awesome, Bulldog. Way to nail a blow on Dr. Crane! You are the greatest!

Bulldog

Yeah, whatever, shut up. [disconnects him] Now, look, all you guys sending in any postcards to win tickets to the SeaHawks game - do I need another picture of the Space Needle? [Kate enters] Chicks in thongs! Enough said? [notices her] We'll be back right after this. [presses button] Hey, what I just said, I'm sorry. I meant to say women in thongs.

Kate

Stop busting Frasier's chops, enough said?

Bulldog

Well I could, but see all these lines lit up? They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.

Kate

[presses to his producer] Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog how much they liked the joke he played on Frasier?

Pete

All except the guy on nine, he thinks Bulldog sucks.

Kate

Because of what he did to Frasier?

Pete

No, just in general.

Bulldog

So, what do you want me to do?

Kate

If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of higher ratings, you and I are going to get along just fine!

Daphne

Come on, Eddie, you love paté. And this is the good stuff. [Frasier enters] Uh-oh.

Frasier

Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door. Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?

Daphne

Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.

Frasier

Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages!

Daphne

That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.

Frasier

I'm the one who's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?

Daphne

I've often wondered that myself.

Frasier

Hello?

Bulldog

[posh voice:] Hello, this is Dr. Julius Irving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane, his receptionist said he might be there.

Frasier

I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.

Bulldog

No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado."

Frasier

Well, perhaps I can help. I'm Niles's brother, Dr. Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my Yum- Yum.

Bulldog

I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?

Frasier

Well, let me see. Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um... [falsetto:] "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a school girl well may be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"

Frasier

Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here.

Martin

You sure are! Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air. [laughs]

Bulldog

[normal voice:] Sayonara, Doc! [disconnects]

Frasier

[hangs up] Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused, having your own son humiliated publicly.

Martin

Oh, come on, it's funny. He makes everybody look stupid - the guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave...

Frasier

That is not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes to Chopper Dave, a man whose life work consists of looking down at the freeway and saying, "Crowded"; "Not Crowded." [picks up his coat]

Martin

Where are you going?

Frasier

To the station!

Martin

Oh, come on, Frasier, don't take it all so seriously. You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra, I knew I was one of the guys.

Frasier

Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years concerning the night you were shot! [exits]

Bulldog

The "Salmon" that's what you want to name our expansion hockey team, "The Seattle Salmon"?! Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together, see if you can't start a fire, beat it! [presses another button] Hey, you're in the doghouse!

Caller

[v.o.] Hey, am I on?

Bulldog

Yes, take as long as you want! [presses another button] Next.

Rob

[v.o.] Hey, Bulldog, you're the man. How about we name them "The Bulldogs"?

Bulldog

Hey, you want to suck up? Send money!

Rob

Wait, wait, wait, wait, I got another one. [Frasier enters with a menacing eye] What about "The Lizards"?

Bulldog

I hate lizards, they're disgusting. They make my skin crawl. You're an idiot and you don't deserve to live!

Rob

[laughing] You're the best, Bulldog!

Bulldog

Shut up! Back in thirty!

Frasier

I warned you.

Bulldog

Hey, hey, clear your jets. Kate told me to keep busting ya'. Said it's good for ratings. You got a beef, take it up with her!

Frasier

I don't believe you.

Bulldog

[presses over to producer] Pete, what did Kate say?

Pete

She said you're a pig.

Bulldog

No, before that!

Pete

She said keep raggin' on the doc'!

Frasier

I want to talk to Kate now!

Susan

She's not in.

Frasier

[unbelieving] Oh, very clever, "she's not in." Like that'll make me go away!

Frasier

She's not in!

Kate

[enters, to Susan:] I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart. [notices Frasier] What's Yum-Yum doing here? It's all right, I can guess.

Frasier

You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and instead you encouraged him. [notices Kate has pulled Nanette's name from the board] You're cancelling "Pet Chat With Nanette"?! She's been on for six years.

Kate

Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two. When I went in to talk to Bulldog, the phones were lit up like Times Square; his fans love it when he zaps you.

Frasier

So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!

Kate

No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, "look at me, I've got a thesaurus" kind of way! It'll be funny!

Frasier

Funny?! Funny!?

Frasier

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favourite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"!

Kate

Afraid of the competition?

Frasier

I am a doctor, I went... [off her look] ...to medical school! I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.

Kate

You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are "filled to the brim with girlish glee." I think the H.M.S Pinafore of embarrassment has sailed! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.

Kate

Oh, God, she brought Spanky!

Frasier

Kate, this is not over!

Kate

Do you know what your problem is? You have no sense of humour.

Frasier

I am sick and tired of people telling me that!

Kate

Well, then, lighten up. [exits to Nanette's booth]

Bulldog

I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills and here's what they said. [cues tape]

Frasier

[v.o] Three little maids from school are we, three little maids from school!

Niles

Good evening, Daphne.

Daphne

Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills?

Niles

Yes, and the vet gave very specific instructions. [takes them out and reads] "Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides." [realizes] I'm sorry, these are for Maris. [take some others out] Those are for Eddie, here you go. [hands them over]

Daphne

I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food. Like our Grammy Moon used to get grandad to take his heart medicine.

Niles

If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?

Daphne

Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question! Num-nums, Eddie.

Daphne

Oh, he's a good boy. [strokes him] Normally I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset.

Niles

I quite agree! My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering, too, but I would never turn to drugs to calm down. [sniffs his sherry] Oh, mommy!

Martin

Hey Niles, you're not going to believe what happened to Frasier.

Niles

Oh, I heard the whole thing. [laughs]

Martin

You listen to Bulldog's program?

Niles

[deadpan] Yes, Dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus. [laughs] No, no, no, no, it was on at the vet's.

Frasier

You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks!

Daphne

What has that got to do with the rain?

Frasier

Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!

Martin

Well, I guess things didn't go too well at the station, huh?

Frasier

No, they didn't.

Martin

What happened?

Frasier

It turned out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little pranks. Now she wants me to return his fire on the air. Well, I thought the idea was absurd at first but now I'm starting to warm to it.

Niles

I say have at him! He's grossly overmatched but he did bring this on himself.

Frasier

You know, you're right, Niles. If I have to fight cheap and dirty on his own turf, then I will!

Martin

[unsure] Uhhhh...

Frasier

And what is that supposed to mean?

Martin

Well, I don't think it's a good idea. You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing. He's a funny guy.

Frasier

And, I'm not funny?

Martin

Uhhhh...

Frasier

I don't believe this!

Niles

Well, now, obviously Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board and turned them all into wickedly derisive anagrams! [laughs]

Frasier

Now, you see, dad, I made you laugh.

Martin

No, I'm looking at Eddie.

Daphne

I guess he won't be needing a second pill!

Martin

Now, now, Frasier, don't get me wrong. I think you're witty, you're clever, but funny's different. Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly. Now, Bulldog's funny. Duke's cousin, Louie, now he's really funny! He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud! He makes you laugh so hard the beer comes out of your nose.

Daphne

You know what feels good through the nose? A warm cup of cocoa. [the rest look at her, she says in memory] I just may go home for Christmas this year.

Frasier

You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer through their nostrils doesn't mean that I can't. Anyone who can compose a clever ballad can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion!

Martin

Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. It's a lot harder than you think.

Frasier

All right, you just tune into Bulldog's show tomorrow. Pop open a beer and prepare for a Budweiser geyser!

Niles

You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. [they all stare at him] Last year a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair. Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little faun proved too light to activate it.

Bulldog

Well, it's six-thirty, sports fans. That means it's time for... [cues fanfare music] Our big SeaHawks tickets giveaway. Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant Darlene is rolling in our glittery giant prize draw right now.

Bulldog

Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank. Whoa! Honey, I meant the drum! [cues a cranking noise]

Frasier

Here it comes, Roz, the hilarity ensues!

Roz

Okay, explain this to me one more time. You were the one who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny, so why am I the one who had to put the lizard in the box?!

Frasier

It was just as difficult to be the lookout! Stop whining!

Bulldog

Hey, look who's here. It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas!

Roz

Kate's there? Oh, Frasier, Kate's there!

Frasier

No, no, it's even better. Even better that she will be an eyewitness to my little jape!

Bulldog

Come in, Kate. Yeah, here we go, glad you dropped in.

Kate

Hello, Bulldog. Hi, Darlene. [waves to Pete] Wow, look at that mighty drum!

Bulldog

Yeah, give it a good spin! [cues noise] Look at those cards going round and round. Okay, Seattle... and the winner is...

Bulldog

Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it?

Kate

Okay. [reaches her hand in] And the lucky winner is... YEOW!

Kate

Something bit me!

Bulldog

Oh my God! It's a lizard!

Kate

There it goes, there it goes, there it goes!

Kate

Stop that lizard, it has my finger!

Frasier

Roz! Any news?

Roz

Oh, yeah. They sewed her fingertip back on. She's gonna be fine. Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No-one even suspects you.

Frasier

Why not?

Roz

Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you!

Frasier

Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! Oh God, I feel sick.

Roz

You do? When the lizard threw up her fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?!

Frasier

I'm going to tell her the truth.

Roz

What?! Are you insane?

Frasier

I've got to unburden myself.

Roz

[impassioned] Frasier, you didn't start this. You are the victim here, why should you have to suffer any more than you already have?

Frasier

I'll keep your name out of it!

Roz

Fine, do what you want.

Kate

[into phone:] I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan, just cancel all my appointments. Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt? I don't want excuses, I want names! [hangs up] Will you hurry up that shot, I'm in agony here. [the nurse prepares to inject her]

Frasier

Kate, I see that your strength is back. I brought you some flowers. [hands them over]

Kate

What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this?

Frasier

You know, people use that word "psychotic" an awful lot these days. A kid steals a candy bar, suddenly he's a psychotic.

Kate

I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna crush him!

Frasier

[to nurse] Are you sure that's enough? Make sure that all goes in!

Nurse

Call me if you need anything.

Frasier

Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.

Kate

Oh, let me guess, someone park in your space?

Frasier

No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him, just as I'm sure you will forgive...

Kate

Who?

Frasier

Well, I'm sure the poor misguided prankster that perpetrated this evil deed really had no ill will in mind. It wasn't his... or her... [realises he can still weave his way out] You know, that Nanette from "Pet Chat," she had a real axe to grind!

Frasier

What?

Kate

What?

Frasier

You giggled.

Kate

Oh, [laughs] it was kinda funny.

Frasier

What?

Kate

What?

Frasier

What's funny?

Kate

Oh, I was just remembering...

Frasier

What?

Kate

[laughs]

Frasier

Oh, oh, the shot's kicking in, isn't it?

Kate

Wouldn't you know, it bites my middle finger. How am I supposed to drive? [laughs]

Frasier

[laughs] You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time...

Kate

Now you know, life is so funny. One minute, you're standing in a hallway, the next minute you're a poo-poo platter for a lizard. That's a funny word, isn't it? Hallway!

Frasier

You want to hear something really funny?

Kate

And Bulldog, Bulldog's... [laughing, then:] Oh, see, now, you're starting to get tired, I should go. [start to nod off]

Frasier

Kate, Kate, before you go to sleep, there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you...

Kate

[doped up] O-kay!

Frasier

I put the lizard in the box.

Kate

O-kay.

Frasier

Oh, God! It's alive!

Kate

[half asleep] You what?

Frasier

Well, I, it was meant for Bulldog. It was all an accident, I never intended to...

Frasier

Kate? Kate?

Frasier

[o.s.] NURSE!