Kisses Sweeter Than Wine
Aired 7th November 1995 · Written by Anne Flett-Giordano · Directed by Philip Charles Mackenzie
Frasier
Roz, who's our last caller?
Roz
On line two we have Marilyn. She's feeling a little homesick.
Frasier
Go ahead, Marilyn.
Marilyn
[v.o:] Well, I like living in Seattle but, I don't know, I grew up in this little town in Wisconsin and I really miss that life.
Frasier
Well, you're not the only one. My producer Roz has regaled me with many stories of the great Dairy State.
Marilyn
You're from Wisconsin, Roz? What part?
Roz
Bloomer.
Marilyn
Oh my God, I'm from Monomeney.
Roz
No way! You're from Menomonie? My cousins are from Menomonie, do you know the Rayburns?
Marilyn
[v.o:] Billy Rayburn is your cousin? I used to work with him at Bell's Frozen Custard!
Frasier
[bored:] Of course she did.
Roz
Do you remember that guy that used the run the store, with all the moles?
Marilyn
[with Roz] Mr. Sneedy.
Frasier
Ladies, as fascinating as this is, I'm afraid we're out of time.
Marilyn
[with Roz:] Oh!
Roz
That's okay, Marilyn, you can call back tomorrow.
Frasier
Make sure you all tune in tomorrow for Part 2 in our series, "Women of the Cheese Belt." Goodbye for now, and good mental health.
Roz
These messages came for you earlier, your wines are ready.
Frasier
Oh, excellent. I'm hosting a tasting tonight for the wine club Niles and I belong to. I'm hoping they name me the Maitre d'Chai. It's a long-standing dream of mine to wear that silver cup around my neck.
Roz
You know, back in Wisconsin if a guy wore a cup around his neck it meant he'd ticked off the gym teacher.
Frasier
Fine! Make sport, but this does happen to be important to me.
Roz
Since when? You used to say that club was nothing but a bunch of arrogant cork-sniffing snobs.
Frasier
Well, that was before I got in.
Roz
Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do me heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!
Frasier
[upset:] It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
Frasier
Big, full-bodied, nicely baked. Essence of truffles, long finish - Chambertin 76'.
Niles
Bravo, Frasier. If only your aim were as accurate.
Daphne
[who is cleaning up:] How is it those same taste buds can't tell the difference between my pot roast and my flank steak?
Frasier
Well, considering you learned to cook in England, it's a wonder I can't tell your flank steak from a braised tennis ball.
Niles
Now, now, let's move on to the number seven.
Frasier
[smells another glass:] Ah, touch of oak. Hint of currant. Whisper of....
Frasier
[smelling:] ...what is that, what is that? Oh yes, wet dog! [takes blindfold off and looks at Martin]
Martin
You guys still playing that stupid game?
Frasier
Dad, wine tasting is not a stupid game - it's a highly refined skill.
Martin
Yeah, I just saw a couple of guys on the corner practising out of paper bags.
Niles
We're hardly winos. Some very distinguished people belong to our club: the mayor, the commissioner of public safety, the chief of surgery at St. Lukes…
Daphne
Oh, just the people I want walking around all liquored up. Could you find room for a school bus driver and a couple of air traffic controllers?
Frasier
Well, we would if they had impeccable taste. Which reminds me dad, I have a favour to beg. Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Martin
Forget it, you might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Niles
Which takes care of the second favour.
Martin
Oh, all right, move it. At least I don't have to spend the night watching your society pals getting tanked.
Frasier
Okay, Niles, grab an end.
Niles
[laughs, then:] Oh, you're serious. You know I don't lift.
Frasier
Yes, with that stick where it is I'm surprised you can bend. Start hoisting, come on.
Frasier
Look what you've done!
Martin
[worried:] You better be talking about the floor.
Frasier
Oh, of course I'm talking about the floor...
Martin
Oh, for Pete's sake, it's just a little scratch. Get me a yellow magic marker. I'll color it in, no one'll know the difference.
Frasier
Dad, you have no idea how critical these people can be: they love finding fault.
Daphne
We could put a rug over it.
Frasier
A rug? Where a rug doesn't belong? Why don't you just throw down a Twister mat, have a few rounds between vintages?!
Niles
Steady Frasier, there's still hope. I'll bring my contractor by in the morning. The man's a genius.
Martin
You know, it's time you guys learned, everything doesn't have to be perfect.
Frasier
Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting!
Frasier
Ah, good morning Daphne - extra pancakes for me this morning! I'm famished!
Daphne
Yes, well you should have thought about that last night before you started making cracks about English cooking. I have hung up my spatula. [exits to kitchen]
Martin
Well, you moved my chair, you cut off my pancake supply; why don't you just back out over Eddie on your way to work and make it a hat trick? [doorbell sounds]
Frasier
And a hat trick would be?
Martin
It's in hockey where one player...
Frasier
Enough said, thank you.
Niles
Good morning, Frasier. I'm delivering one miracle worker as promised. Joe DeCarlo, Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Pleasure.
Niles
And my father, Martin Crane.
Martin
Hi, Joe.
Joe
Where's the scratch?
Martin
Oh, you mean you didn't see it? We were going to put some orange cones around it so nobody would fall in it!
Frasier
It's right here.
Joe
I can get rid of that.
Frasier
It has to be done by five. My guests arrive at seven, so it has to be a firm five. Not a five-fifteen or a five-thirty.
Joe
I'll be done by noon.
Frasier
Splendid.
Niles
I told you he was good. We're talking about a man who has satisfied Maris. Something that's still regrettably on my to-do list!
Daphne
Coffee's ready. [enters with coffee, to Frasier:] Of course, I'm sure it'll taste like my old bath water to you. You know, how it gets all grey and scummy around the edges with little flecks of... [notices Joe:] oh, hello.
Joe
Hi.
Daphne
[notices him properly, saucily:] Hello.
Niles
I'd love some coffee, Daphne. [pause] Hmm, Daphne?
Martin
Er, Daph', this is Joe DeCarlo. Joe, this is Daphne - she helps me out around here.
Joe
Smells great. Columbian?
Daphne
[laughs:] No, English. [realises:] The coffee - Costa Rican. Would you like a cup?
Joe
Thanks.
Daphne
I'll be right back. [whispers to Martin:] He's adorable, talk me up.
Martin
A plate of pancakes.
Daphne
Deal. [exits to kitchen]
Martin
You know, Joe, Daphne's a great gal. You know, she doesn't always go round in that ratty old bathrobe. She cleans up real cute.
Joe
You don't have to convince me.
Niles
You know, I think dad's right - you don't need to fix that scratch, it adds character. [takes him aside:] Come, Joe.
Frasier
Niles, forget it!
Daphne
[enters from kitchen:] Honeybun?
Joe
[as if it was a pet name:] Yes.
Daphne
[laughs] Hee hee, I meant would you like one of these with your coffee? [holds up a honeybun]
Joe
Oh, I'd love one.
Daphne
Anything...?
Joe
No. [then:] Sugar?
Daphne
[as if it was a pet name:] Yes.
Joe
I meant in the coffee.
Niles
You know, Maris is quite keen on gutting my library to make more space for her hats. Why don't you come home with me and you can send one of your men over to do this little job. Bruce would be good - the large sweaty gentleman with the chili dogs on his breath.
Frasier
Niles, Joe is here already and we do have a deadline.
Niles
But, don't you think it would be prudent...
Frasier
Niles, it's settled.
Joe
That's great, because I'm kinda anxious to get at her. [goes upstage]
Niles
[angry:] I'll just bet he is, the testosterone is just dripping...
Frasier
Niles, Niles, he's talking about the scratch.
Niles
[angry still:] I knew that! Only I know that! I mean, watch him!
Frasier
Someone remodelling?
Electrician
No, bad wiring in one of the condos.
Frasier
Ah, well I hope you won't be here this evening. I'm entertaining some very important guests and you know how sound travels in this building.
Painter
Ah, can't make any promises. We're here as long as this poor sap is willing to pay us. [laughs]
Frasier
What is happening?
Joe
Hold on, guys. [they all stop:] Er, sorry about this, Dr. Crane, but I plugged in the sander to start on the floor, you blew a circuit.
Frasier
So naturally you're sawing a hole into my wall.
Joe
The circuit blew - it started a fire. You've got some real bad wiring in here.
Frasier
But how long? [they start again]
Joe
A couple of hours.
Frasier
"A couple" is vague. That would mean the big hand would be on the twelve and the little hand would be...?
Joe
On the four.
Frasier
On the four? Oh, the four is okay, fine.
Martin
You know the fire, Eddie smelled it first. [exits to room]
Frasier
Oh, well he's a regular canary in a coal mine, isn't he!
Niles
[enters from front door with a case:] My God, what's going on?
Frasier
Don't ask, Niles. [notices case:] Oh, I see you've got the Romani Containe.
Niles
Yes, but unfortunately they only had the one bottle.
Frasier
That's funny, the importer told me he had two.
Niles
Really? [nervous:] How strange.
Frasier
You know, if I didn't know you better I would swear you had squirreled one away for yourself. But then we both know that you must be telling the truth, because you're such a slave to your ethics that even the slightest transgression would cause your nose to bleed.
Niles
Which it isn't! [sniffs up]
Frasier
You just sniffed.
Niles
I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt. [sniffs again]
Frasier
A snort is out, that was in.
Niles
[takes a tissue and holds it to his nose:] Oh, alright - the other bottle's in the car in my bowling bag.
Frasier
Thank you. [curious:] You have a bowling bag?
Niles
Yes. Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts. I gave her a cook book.
Daphne
Oh, yoohoo. I noticed how your shirt was [knees turning to jelly:] clinging to your back and... I thought a nice cup of iced tea might hit the spot.
Joe
Thanks, Daph'.
Daphne
Ho-ho, I got a spark.
Joe
Me, too.
Niles
[jealous:] That's just static electricity from the carpet - it can happen to anyone. I'll show you.
Frasier
STOP POKING ME!
Daphne
[picking up bags:] Should I put these little fingery foods for tonight in the fridge?
Frasier
Oh, yes please - the Brie is sweating up a storm.
Joe
Let me help you with those.
Niles
No Daphne, let me help you.
Niles
Spark! Spark!
Frasier
I will be back after work at five-thirty - I hope I have your word that my apartment will be perfect for then.
Joe
Okay.
Frasier
Alright, think think before you answer. This is not like marriage vows, or a promise to a dying parent. This really, really counts.
Joe
You have my word.
Frasier
Thank you.
Bruce
God, I'm sweating like a pig. I've got to air myself out. [to Frasier:] Hey, hold the elevator, will ya?
Frasier
I'm sorry, I need this nose tonight, thank you.
Niles
You don't have to keep feeding these men. Actually, Maris finds they work faster if you keep them hungry.
Daphne
Hee hee, I don't mind. Of course, I probably don't cook as well as their wives or girlfriends. That is, if they all have girlfriends. I'm sure Joe's probably mentioned some girl to you.
Niles
[honestly:] No.
Daphne
Really?
Niles
[worried:] That is... not any one girl. Not old "love'em and leave'em" Joe. From what I've heard, he's wrecked more homes than he's fixed. Mimsie Stanshope has him over all the time, and I don't just mean to strip her entryway.
Daphne
[disappointed] Oh, I see.
Niles
I'm sorry, Daphne.
Daphne
No, it's better I should know now before I get my hopes up. Thank you for being honest with me.
Frasier
[conspicuous:] Joe...
Joe
Dr. Crane, don't panic, I can explain everything.
Frasier
Wonderful. Perhaps you can explain [points to man on scaffolding:] these legs.
Joe
That's Cecil. He's the best ceiling guy in Seattle. We were lucky to get him. When we opened up the wall to get to the faulty wiring, we found that the gas pipes leading to your fireplace were cracked. Had to be fixed.
Frasier
Tonight?
Martin
I OK'd it. It just seemed wiser to do it before the explosion.
Niles
Frasier, the club members arrive in forty-five minutes. Have you lost your... [notices legs and waves upwards:] Cecil!
Frasier
Niles, don't yell at me. If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emory board we wouldn't be in this position.
Martin
Maybe next time you'll listen to your old man.
Frasier
Thank you, dad. You know, I was just considering whether I should go shave or slit my wrists. You made my choice a little easier.
Joe
Don't worry, we are gonna make it. Only... about that shaving. We had to shut the water off to replace a valve.
Frasier
Oh, well, that explosion idea's sounding better and better. [phone rings:] Could someone at least move that mantle piece away from the door! [answers phone:] Hello? [can't hear him:] Just hold on, will you?
Martin
Hey Joe, you know you're going to be through by seven? It gives you plenty of time for [points at Daphne who has now entered:] a dinner and a movie.
Daphne
I said I don't want to go out with you!
Joe
[embarrassed, turns to colleagues:] Whatcha looking at? Get back to work! [to Martin:] Thanks a lot!
Martin
[turns to Niles:] Why would she do that? She's crazy about him!
Martin
Niles, is your nose bleeding?
Niles
No, no, I was just admiring Cecil's handiwork.
Frasier
That was the mayor on the phone. Apparently his wife can't make it tonight so he has invited [mad:] Senator Adler! Can anything else possibly go wrong?
Martin
Take a look at that. [points to floor]
Frasier
Oh, dear God. Is that blood on my floor? [walks along a trail:] And another drop.
Frasier
Niles!
Frasier
Well?
Niles
Is it terribly wrong to mislead someone even if it is for his or her own good?
Frasier
What did you tell Daphne?
Niles
I made up a story that Joe seduces all the women he works for so she wouldn't go out with him.
Frasier
[angry, yet calm:] Oh Niles, how could you be so selfish?
Niles
I didn't do it for me, I did it for her. She deserves a doctor, or a lawyer - someone for whom a T-shirt is an undergarment.
Frasier
Look, I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy you've concocted about you and Daphne. I suppose it involves a comet hitting the earth and you and she having to rebuild the species! But trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen. She needs a man - one who can do more for her than just smell her hair.
Frasier
[opens door and calls:] Daphne!
Niles
What are you going to do?
Frasier
You are going to fix this.
Niles
What am I going to tell her?
Frasier
Tell her the truth. Only the truth shall make you clot.
Daphne
[enters:] Yes, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes Daphne, er, Niles has something he wishes to discuss with you.
Daphne
What is it, Dr. Crane? [points at tie:] Oh look, you have a spot on your tie.
Niles
Well, earlier, what I said about Joe - I made a mistake. He doesn't sleep around, he hasn't wrecked any homes, and the business about Mimsie Stanshope...
Bruce
[enters:] Oh sorry, is there a john around here to air out my paddle?
Niles
You can use the master bedroom. [to Daphne:] Joe never worked for Mimsie Stanshoe..
Bruce
He sure didn't. I do all the work at Mimsie's. She is one tough lady to satisfy.
Daphne
It's you?
Bruce
I'm the only guy that can make her happy, everyone knows that. Jeez. [exits]
Daphne
[realising:] So, that was the mistake you heard. Those stories you heard weren't about Joe, they were about Bruce?
Niles
Hard to believe, isn't it? But you know, when society women go slumming they go all the way! So, you can tell Joe that you've changed your mind about going out with him.
Daphne
Oh no, I couldn't. What would I say?
Niles
Just tell him the truth. Tell him that I heard stories that he... [nose starts bleeding:] No, bad idea! Here. You... [cleans toilet seat with tissue:] wait here.
Niles
Joe.
Joe
Yep?
Niles
[goes over to him] You have to ask Daphne out again.
Joe
Are you nuts? You heard what she said.
Niles
Yes, but if you ask her again; she'll say yes.
Joe
Hey, maybe I've changed my mind.
Niles
Oh no, you haven't changed your mind. You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something that other men can only dream of in their oxblood seated leather wingback chair with the lights off.
Joe
Look, Dr. Crane, I just don't think it'll work out - okay?
Niles
No, it's not okay. If you had ever... smelt her hair, you'd know she's worth at least one more try. She is an angel, and she is a goddess - and she's waiting for you in the bathroom.
Joe
You got a minute?
Frasier
I'm never going to make it. Daphne, would you please get that? [she does]
Martin
Jeez, I thought you were just going to slit your wrists. It looks like you went for "death of a thousand cuts."
Frasier
I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, who called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!
Daphne
[to Frasier, re: phone call] That was the doorman. Senator Adler's limousine just pulled up.
Frasier
Oh, it's over, it's over. Sing, fat lady, sing.
Niles
Frasier, what are we going to do?
Martin
Will you give me your cash? Both of you, come on! Hurry up!
Frasier
Why?
Martin
Never mind why, just hand it to me. Come on, be quick, Niles.
Niles
[takes money out of wallet:] Oh all right, do you want all seven hundred dollars?
Martin
You carry seven hundred dollars in your wallet?
Niles
Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later.
Martin
Just hand it over. [shouts to workmen:] Okay, guys. I've got seven hundred and some odd dollars here. If you can get everything cleared up before Frasier's buddies get here it's yours to split any way you want on your way out.
Frasier
Bribery? That's your big plan?
Frasier
Oh my God, it's starting to work! Hey, here's another hundred I was holding out on my old man!
Martin
Hey! [takes it]
Daphne
Dr. Crane.
Niles
Yes?
Daphne
Joe told me what you did. I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you. [kisses Niles on cheek and jumps back] Oh!
Niles
Did you feel that? We made a spark.
Daphne
Oh yes, we did. I guess you were right, it is just the carpet!
Joe
[shouting:] Okay everybody, come on. Move it, move it, move it. We're out of here.
Joe
Are you ready?
Daphne
[to rest:] Good night.
Frasier
Goodnight Daphne, have a good time.
Frasier
Oh, my God, we did it, we actually did it. [Martin begins to exit] Oh dad, please don't leave, I'd like you to stay. I mean, you helped me to get this put together tonight.
Martin
Oh well, thanks Fras'. That makes me feel good. Not good enough to hang around that bleeding-heart-softie-on-crime Senator Adler, but good. [calls:] Come on Eddie, the politicians are coming!
Frasier
Senator Adler, Mayor - welcome to my humble abode.
Bruce
You know you're out of T.P. in the can?