Sleeping With The Enemy

June

[v.o.] Well, my husband is always criticising me, because in restaurants I like to listen in on strangers' conversations. I don't know why he makes such a big deal out of nothing.

Frasier

Well June, I suppose your lack of interest makes your husband feel invisible. Imagine what it must be like to sit [takes a glance through the window] across from someone who's constantly scanning, [picks up the microphone and turns away from the console to looks through the window] searching, craning their neck to see... Just what the hell is going on out there?

June

Oh gosh, you're right! I've been insensitive. It's just common decency to stay focused on the other person.

Frasier

Huh? [turns back to his console] What? Oh, well, good for you, Jane!

June

[annoyed] June!

Frasier

Oh, yeah, well, whatever! Er, this is Dr Frasier Crane. KACL 780. [stabs at a button and rips his headphones off]

Frasier

What is going on?

Roz

[angry, slaps a memo on the board] Oh, our beloved station manager decided we're not getting our raise this year!

Frasier

[furious] What? [rips the memo off and crumples it] This is an outrage! I have a contract!

Roz

Don't palpitate, it doesn't apply to the on-air talent.

Frasier

[calm] Oh, thank God.

Frasier

[embarrassed] I'm sorry... I was being selfish, wasn't I? I, er, feel very ashamed. It is nevertheless, er, an outrage. It's not a personal outrage but certainly a, a family of man outrage.

Roz

[tearful] Frasier, I spent that raise already - on my new diamond earrings! I love them. I love them so much, I slept with them!

Frasier

Well, Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, it's a step in the right direction!

Roz

Real supportive, Frasier! We've been getting that raise every year, and now this Nazi in nylons comes waltzing in here and cancels it with some vague crap about corporate belt- tightening. This isn't fair!

Frasier

Oh, oh, actually you're right! Er you, maybe you should tell her what you just told me. Er, except I would leave out the "Nazi in nylons" bit. It's not your best icebreaker.

Roz

Oh, you're damn right we're gonna tell her!

Roz

[to the crowd] We've all been here a hell of a lot longer than she has!

Frasier

That's right!

Roz

She pushes us, we push back!

Roz

She's standing right behind me, isn't she?

Kate

Yeah.

Kate

Is there a problem? Nope? Good.

Frasier

Kate?

Kate

[stops amidst the crowd] Doc...?

Frasier

Er, these people... would like to speak with you.

Kate

No, I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I've got a meeting. [turns to leave]

Frasier

Well I-I'm sorry, excuse me? I think your meeting can wait five minutes. Now they're a little upset about your memo. I think you should discuss it with them.

Kate

Dr Crane... I wrote the memo, I signed the memo, I posted the memo. If I had anything more to say, I would have put it... Anybody?

Noel

[puts up his hand] In the memo?

Kate

Bravo.

Roz

Okay. If she wants to play tough, we'll play tough back. We still have a lot of power here. Now we could go on strike...

Roz

[annoyed at them] Yes!

Frasier

Look, look, you know er, I, I think you should listen to Roz. Every year in exchange for your hard work you receive a five percent raise. Now, you've fulfilled your part of the bargain; she has blithely changed the deal.

Noel

In the 'hood, they call that "being dissed."

Frasier

Yes, my streetwise friend. [to the crowd] You have a right to stand up for yourselves.

Roz

Okay. We gonna do this? Are we together?

Noel

What's the point? If we strike they'll just replace us. They only care about the on-air people.

Roz

Aaah, so we'll get their support! Frasier just said he's on our side!

Frasier

[unsure] I did? Well, well, yes I, I did, I did, yes. But, heh, my meagre endorsement is, is meaningless without the support of the... other talent.

Roz

[gleeful] Did you hear that? Frasier's gonna get everyone on our side!

Frasier

What? [reluctant] Er I, I'd love to, to help, but you know, I'm already in hot water with that woman! You can't ask me to raise a mutiny against her!

Noel

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one." James Tiberius Kirk, Captain, Starship Enterprise. [does the Vulcan salute]

Frasier

Go away, you annoying little man.

Roz

[imploring] Please?

Frasier

[thinks about it, then enthusiastic] Oh alright, alright! You organise your people, I'll talk to mine!

Bulldog

[to Eddie] Hey, beat it.

Bulldog

[to Eddie] Hey, if you can't run with The Bulldog, stay on the porch.

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

[enters and gives a pen to Frasier] Good evening, Frasier; you left your Mont Blanc in my car, so I... [sees the guests] Oh. [icily] I see cocktails. Hors d'oeuvres. Mingling. If I were the suspicious type, I'd say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited.

Martin

Feel like a wiener, Niles?

Niles

Indeed I do.

Frasier

[annoyed] Niles, this is not a party; and dad, that is fourteen-dollar-a-pound andouille sausage.

Martin

Wow. Means Eddie ate about thirty bucks' worth.

Frasier

Niles, these people are colleagues from the station. We're here to discuss a labour dispute.

Niles

[assuaged] Oh, well. [to the guests] Fight on, people! [to Frasier] You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris.

Frasier

Mmm.

Niles

Remember, when our stable boy Wakim's appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense!

Gil

Ah, good evening, Frasier!

Frasier

Gil, Sheryl, Floyd!

Gil

Oh! What a stunning apartment!

Frasier

Well...

Gil

The palette is pure, subtle elegance! The detailing... well, it's inspired! [examines a statuette] And the furnishings... [sees The Armchair and stops in his tracks] Oh, dear. Is that a chair?

Frasier

[trying to smile] That is my father's chair.

Gil

Oh. Well... this must be your father!

Martin

Hi - Marty Crane. You put on quite a show!

Gil

[pleased] Oh, you've heard my little programme?

Martin

No, I mean just coming through the door.

Bulldog

[to Frasier] Doc, doc! Can we hurry this thing up? I got a charity event tonight. She's not much to look at, but what the hell.

Frasier

Okay, well, since we're all here... Er, now, regarding management's claim of financial distress, I've done some checking around, and I've found that the advertising revenues are up eleven-and-a-half per cent...

Daphne

Gil Chesterton, the restaurant critic!

Gil

[takes and bites into a snack from Daphne's tray] Yes.

Daphne

Oh, I just love those wicked things you say when the food is bad!

Gil

[picks the snack out of his mouth in disgust] Well, keep bringing these and you won't be disappointed!

Frasier

[to the KACL personalities] The wage freeze is unwarranted. It is simply a ploy of an overly ambitious station manager, [angry] and typical of this woman! She has terrorised us, she has tampered with our shows. It's time we said no to this Princess of Darkness!

Bulldog

I got a better idea. Why don't we just walk up to Mike Tyson and tell him he talks funny?

Frasier

[unamused] What about our support staff? If we don't back this strike, they may lose their jobs! They're powerless without our support.

Gil

Frasier, old man, why do they need raises? You're talking about people who eat corn dogs and nachos.

Frasier

[annoyed] That statement is appallingly elitist.

Gil

Well thank you, Mister Everyday People!

Bulldog

Hey, I'm sure we'd all like to help these people, but we need our jobs. We're working stiffs too, living from paycheck-to-paycheck just like they are.

Niles

Excuse me, someone's blocking me in downstairs. Who has a BMW?

Niles

A red BMW. [Two hands are still up] With a red interior.

Gil

Oh, that's me!

Niles

[to Gil] Just give me your key, I'll leave it to the doorman.

Gil

[at the doorway] Oh, no no. I was just leaving.

Bulldog

Oh, I'm going too. [goes to leave]

Frasier

[frustrated] Well... where are your ethics? Where's your conscience?

Bulldog

Where's your john? I need to slap on some Canoe.

Martin

Hey, I'm with you people! To heck with the workers. They're not yours!

Bulldog

Hey, damn right!

Martin

And chances are, after the station manager crushes the little people, she won't come after you big shots.

Bulldog

Right. [slightly unsure] Why would she...?

Martin

Well, I mean er, supposing she's trying to save money, you're the big ticket items. Erm, after all this, well, she won't have to worry about the support staff backing you guys up, will she? [laughs, half to himself] Oh but no, that's crazy.

Gil

[worried] You're not suggesting that... Kate might be coming after our money next?

Martin

[to the personalities] No, she wouldn't do that! She's a peach, right? Soft as a cream puff.

Frasier

[ominously sarcastic] And we all know no-one here is overpaid...

Gil

Suddenly, I'm feeling very Norma Rae.

Frasier

Great! I'll get us some more wine. [quietly to Martin] Dad, that was brilliant, using reverse psychology! I guess living with me is rubbing off on you a little bit.

Martin

Well, I guess it's only natural that environmental factors would influence personality development...

Frasier

Alright.

Martin

Well, oh wait I, I hope I didn't hit some long-repressed Oedipal nerve...

Frasier

Very funny.

Martin

Because the last thing we want is for you to be sublimating your anger passive/aggressive...

Frasier

Oh, alright! Just stop it, you wise ass!

Martin

[pats Frasier on the back] Ha-hey! Looks like I'm rubbing off on you, too!

Frasier

Alright, people! I have spoken with the on-air talent, and I...

Noel

[interrupts] Shhh! Ixnay, Dr Crane...

Frasier

[mildly sarcastic] Ah, yes. You've really dropped the cone of silence now. Anyway, I have delivered on my promise: the talent is behind you. If you strike, we strike. All for one and one for all!

Frasier

Okay! So who is our spokesperson - who is leading the charge?

Noel

I am - you want to make something of it? [to himself] Oh shoot, I smiled again! [laughs]

Frasier

Rozalinda, a word.

Frasier

Our leader is Noel Shempsky?! The man has all the backbone of a paramecium!

Roz

Well, do you think that it's my idea? Noel and I were the only two who volunteered. 'Course, they voted me down. I'm smarter than he is, more confident, more articulate, [hot- headed] but those stupid little WUSSES think I'm a HOT-HEAD!

Frasier

But Noel, Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this - including mine!

Roz

Then you do it!

Frasier

[worried] Me?

Roz

Yes!

Frasier

[very worried] No no, me?

Roz

Oh, please!

Frasier

[panicky] Me? No, no, I've done enough already, oh...

Frasier

[angry] What?

Noel

Dr Crane, I can see that you're concerned about my negotiating skills. But don't be - I have a secret weapon: I can faint at will. Check it out…

Frasier

[to the staffers] Okay people, there's been a coup. I am now your leader!

Frasier

[points] To the lair of the She-Wolf!

Kate

Wow. What have we here?

Frasier

We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it. [to the crowd] Don't we?

Kate

Alright, but aren't you people still on the clock?

Kate

Well hi-ho the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone.

Frasier

[affecting unconcern] They're a shrewd group. They only flex their muscles when they have to. [shouts to the off-screen staffers] Well done!

Kate

[amused] Yeah, right. Will you get in here?

Kate

I'm kinda surprised to see you here. This really isn't your fight, is it?

Frasier

[proud] I am honoured to have been chosen by my colleagues to speak for them.

Kate

Oh. That's a shame. I was kinda looking forward to seeing Shempsky faint.

Frasier

Well, we have a lot to do, so we may as well just get to it... [gazes at Kate] Is that a, a new hairdo? It's very fetching.

Kate

[gazes at Frasier; mildly sarcastic] Oooh, is that a new tie? It just lights up your pretty face.

Frasier

[frustrated] Look, what is it about us? I mean, why all this friction between us? For my own part, your intolerable smugness reminds me of my ex-wife. But... what is the source of your antipathy toward me? Was there some intimidating male figure in your childhood? A father? A, a priest? A department store Santa... I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here!

Kate

I have an idea about the source of our antagonism.

Frasier

[smug] Good. Do let me hear it.

Kate

I'm a woman, I'm as smart as you, and I'm your boss.

Frasier

Coincidences, all!

Kate

Doc... I don't want to analyse your hang-ups. I already got a full-time job. Let's just get down to business, okay?

Frasier

Oh, very well. There's really very little to discuss. These people were promised a raise. They have fulfilled their part of the bargain; it's time for you to honour yours. You have twenty-four hours.

Kate

Or?

Frasier

We walk, en masse. Including the on-air talent. I've seen to that myself.

Kate

You have.

Frasier

Mmm-hm.

Kate

[suddenly fed-up] Why are you gunning for me?

Frasier

[angry] Gunning? For you? This isn't about you, it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle!

Kate

No, no; this is about your ego, which is the SIZE of Seattle! Every suggestion, every decision I've made has been met by this impenetrable wall of arrogance masquerading as righteousness.

Frasier

Oh ho ho ho ho, that's a desperate shot - attacking me because I have a social conscience!

Kate

No, what you have is a fat contract, and so do the rest of your cronies. So when it came time for staff raises, there was no more money left in the till!

Frasier

[incensed] Oh, you are twisting things to make it look like it's my fault! [stands up] Oh, it's true what they say: the devil comes disguised as a beautiful woman!

Kate

[stands up too] There would've been raises if you hadn't taken all the money to pay for those Armani suits.

Frasier

Oh, oh, what about you? Let's not overlook that pricey little Fendi scarf you're wearing!

Kate

Well, what about this designer cologne on you?

Frasier

Well, how about those pouty lips that must have cost you a fortune in collagen injections!

Kate

These lips are mine, you arrogant gasbag!

Frasier

You intractable despot!

Kate

BLOWHARD!

Frasier

TYRANT!!

Kate

ASS!!!

Frasier

SHREW!!!!

Kate

[breathless] Get out...!

Kate

[distraught] Now!

Martin

Hey, Niles!

Niles

[stumbles in] Maris found a grey hair.

Martin

[closes the door] Daphne, get Niles a brandy.

Niles

It was right at the apex of her widow's peak.

Martin

Better bring the bottle! [sits in The Armchair]

Niles

She blames me, dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.

Daphne

[to Frasier] Oh! Good evening, Dr Crane! Oh, let me take that for you. [takes his coat and goes to hang it up] After all, you are the friend of the working man!

Frasier

Thank you, Daphne.

Daphne

Defender of the little people...

Frasier

Alright, Daphne...

Daphne

[hanging Frasier's coat on the hook] Standing up to the boss on behalf of the downtrodden, selflessly risking your own...

Frasier

[loses his temper] Don't you have some meat to boil?

Frasier

[calms down] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologise, it's just been a, a, a bad day. I was elected by the employees to present our demands to, to Kate.

Daphne

Oh well, that was a smart move! Did you give her a good tongue-lashing?

Frasier

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Martin

I'm proud of you, son.

Frasier

No, don't be, dad - I'm a fraud.

Frasier

[depressed] I, I was in her office... tempers flared and, the next thing I knew, we were...

Frasier

...locked in a... passionate kiss!

Daphne

[intrigued] Ooooh, go on!

Frasier

[slightly embarrassed] Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you.

Daphne

Oh, no need to be shy around me. I'm a professional health care worker! I've seen it all! I've helped your father in and out of the bathtub.

Martin

Okay, Daphne...

Daphne

I've seen his bits!

Martin

[outraged] Hey! Oh, for God's sake! [to Frasier] Just tell her, will you?

Frasier

Oh, alright. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before, it was just... pure sex! Overwhelming, unexpected, animal-like!

Niles

[sarcastic] Oh well, that! We've all experienced that, who hasn't? Pfff!

Daphne

I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. [goes to the couch] It can strike without warning. And you don't know who it will be! [sits on the armrest again] Why, you could be standing next to a person [gestures towards Niles] month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off! There's a word for it...

Niles

[to himself] Hope.

Daphne

Hmmm?

Frasier

Oh, this is madness! I'm actually lusting after a woman that does nothing but grate on my nerves. I can't stand her!

Daphne

Oh really, Dr Crane! Would a man want to have sex with a woman he doesn't even like?

Frasier

[thoughtful] What about her? Maybe she's been harbouring feelings for me. Is it possible that she could have been lusting after me all this time?

Martin

Oh, it could be. But... you know, you were in the middle of a negotiation. Maybe she laid that smackeroo on you just to rattle your brain.

Niles

Dad has a point. Your musk-drenched animal magnetism aside, it's quite possible that she was simply manipulating you.

Frasier

Oh, I hardly think so. [smiles] The woman's passion... seemed genuine.

Daphne

[knowingly] Yes - it always does. [gets up and goes to the dining table]

Frasier

Do you suppose it's possible she's just using sex to sway me to her side?

Martin

Well, figure it out. Who made the first move? You or her?

Frasier

There was no first move. It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion.

Martin

There's always a first move. Think.

Frasier

Alright. I was standing in front of her desk like so. [walks up to the coffee table in front of Niles] She was facing me... Niles, you be Kate.

Niles

[insulted] I will not.

Frasier

Look, just stand up!

Niles

[exasperated] I'm always the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie. Well, no more, I'm through with it! When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo'?!

Frasier

[angry] This is getting me nowhere! [goes for his coat] Alright. I'll just have to go down there and confront her myself. [grabs his coat and wears it, while walking to the door] Find out if what she was feeling was actually genuine or she was simply being a conniving femme fatale!

Daphne

Oh, come on now, Dr Crane! It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.

Frasier

[annoyed] How can we possibly USE sex to get what we want?! Sex IS what we want!

Frasier

Kate.

Kate

Frasier.

Frasier

Er... I think we have some issues to discuss.

Kate

Me too. Have a seat.

Frasier

I'd prefer to stand.

Kate

Me too.

Frasier

Let's talk about the kiss.

Kate

Yeah. Let's.

Frasier

Alright. Why did it happen? Some possibilities: [sidles up to the desk] Er, frustration; passion; the stress of the situation; [pauses meaningfully] Manipulation.

Kate

[intrigued] Manipulation... that is interesting.

Frasier

What's interesting is that you focused on manipulation. Why...?

Kate

Because there's a possibility of manipulation.

Frasier

[triumphant] So, you admit that you were manipulating me!

Kate

Me? I'm talking about you! How dare you think I'd do a thing like that!

Frasier

Well, it's not unheard of for a woman like you to use her feminine wiles to get what she wants.

Kate

Oh, very clever! What about you using your masculine wiles to get what you want?

Frasier

[quietly] You think my wiles are masculine?

Kate

No, I am not going down that road again.

Frasier

[smug] 'Course you're not. Because at the end of that road is a cul-de-sac of vulnerability. That's not you, is it? No, you're cement-hard.

Kate

[incredulous] "Cul-de-sac of vulnerability"? [fed-up] Alright, listen. You see me for a couple of hours out of every day, and you think you know me? The me me? Alright, I can be tough - okay, I've gotta be. I can also be tender... spontaneous... shy... lusty... playful.

Frasier

[turned on] Kittenish?

Kate

I could climb you like a scratching post.

Frasier/Kate

[excited, then:] Damn it!

Frasier

[distraught] Stop! What are we doing?! [goes to the door] Now... there are people out there counting on us!

Kate

Right, you're absolutely right. We've gotta put personal pleasure aside until we get this thing resolved.

Frasier

[determined] Absolutely. We owe it to them. If it takes every minute of every hour of every day, and every ounce of strength we have, we have got to settle this strike! [claps his hands together] Alright. Those people deserve a five percent raise.

Kate

I'll give you three.

Frasier

Four!

Kate

Done.

Bulldog

Hey, any news?

Roz

[takes her ear away, pleased] Frasier's hanging tough! He just keeps pounding that desk and saying, "More, more, more!"

Bulldog

Okay!

Frasier

Good news - she's offered three percent.

Frasier

No, never! I'm going to get you four! I don't care if I have to stay in there all night!