The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

Damn, I didn't think you'd be here...

Niles

Well, I would've gone to my regular haunt, but "The Pig 'N Swig" is closed for remodelling.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Niles, it's just... I'm meeting Kate here. We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves.

Niles

If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair.

Frasier

No.

Niles

Then you'd have a real problem.

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

A kiss? It's nothing.

Frasier

[looking somewhat uncomfortable] Right.

Niles

Had sex with her, didn't you?

Frasier

I didn't mean to! It just... happened! One minute we were negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were shattered, along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook.

Niles

[surprised] This happened in her office?

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

What are you saying? Her couch folds out?

Frasier

We used her desk.

Niles

Her desk folds out?!

Frasier

[to Niles, anxious] There she is! Look, look, just make an excuse and go, okay? [stands up]

Niles

Alright, okay. [to Kate] Ah, Miss Costas. [stands up]

Kate

Dr. Crane.

Niles

[glances at his watch] Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality.

Frasier

Ah.

Niles

Well, not to worry. If I'm late he can just talk amongst himself. [laughs]

Kate

So... good morning.

Frasier

Good morning.

Kate

How's your knee?

Frasier

Ah. Well er, it's better, thanks.

Frasier

And... and your laptop? [off her confused look] I refer to your computer.

Kate

A little dented, but fine. [smiles] The computer.

Frasier

Ah. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that, well, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz!

Kate

Tell me she just walked in.

Roz

Well, hi! Guess you guys kissed and made up, huh?

Frasier

[laughs] Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. We were just discussing the step system in a new healthcare plans co- payment scheme and... well, it wouldn't interest you.

Roz

Oh, the hell it wouldn't! [sits at their table] You know they're too cheap to pay for a butt-lift? I sit on this thing all day long, that's work-related!

Kate

Listen, I really have to go, but I would like to discuss this matter at the first possible opportunity.

Frasier

So would I.

Kate

[turns to leave, but stops] Oh, oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot. I need you two to fill in the eight-to-ten slot tonight. Floyd, the Happy Chef, is in rehab again.

Frasier

Ah.

Roz

[fed up] Oh, great! I was supposed to have dinner with a successful, handsome doctor! [Frasier sits down again] She thinks we're all as happy to work all night as she is.

Frasier

Mmm.

Roz

Well, you're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?

Frasier

[deadpan] I've tried, Roz.

Frasier

[annoyed] Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men munching on chili-dogs which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes. [looks down and points] How will I ever get that stain out?

Frasier

Ah, yes. Dog saliva! Nature's miracle solvent. [hangs up his coat] So who's moving out anyway?

Daphne

Deirdre Sauvage, the one who writes the romance novels.

Martin

Yeah, the lost Gabor sister's finally outta here.

Daphne

Well, she's a very sweet person and I'm going to miss her.

Martin

Well, you're not the one she's always undressing with her eyes. She lured me into her apartment one time, supposedly to fix a lamp. Next thing I know, I got a drink in my hand and she's reading me a dirty poem about meadow walks.

Frasier

Well, I must admit she's never done that to me.

Martin

Yeah well, if she does, don't fake a charley horse to get outta there. She'll just try to rub it!

Daphne

Speaking of romance, Dr. Crane... when I washed your shirt this morning, I couldn't help noticing lipstick in the oddest places. I'll take it negotiations went well last night...?

Frasier

I'd rather not discuss it, thank you.

Martin

Why, is there a problem?

Frasier

Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I intended.

Daphne

I'll say! There were also four buttons missing, and teeth- marks in the shoulders!

Frasier

Thank you, Inspector Moon! Things got a little out of hand. I think we should slow down a bit but er, I'm afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings. Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a, a night of passion...

Daphne

What, you and me? [laughs]

Frasier

Yes...

Daphne

What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?

Frasier

It's a hypothetical question!

Daphne

I'll say it is! [laughs again]

Frasier

Oh, alright, somebody else! Alright? So, you have a, a mad tryst with this young man, and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?

Daphne

I suppose I'd say, "Thanks for being honest. You're probably right, we were moving too fast." [suddenly bitter] "Not that it was too fast for you last night. Ohh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?" [seemingly in her own world] "But, now you've had your fun - though not too much, apparently — and you want to be my friend. Well you can just sod off, Trevor Mulgrew!!!"

Daphne

[shaky] You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt...

Frasier

You see, dad - the whole thing's a minefield.

Martin

Ah, you'll never learn, will you? Handling a woman's easy!

Martin

You know, you kill me. Mister Psychiatrist, you've always gotta make everything so complicated. A woman comes on too strong, you just tell her to cool her engines! It's the easiest thing in the world.

Frasier

[opens the door] Oh, Deirdre!

Frasier

I understand you're leaving us.

Deirdre

[British accent] Alas, yes!

Frasier

Oh, do come in!

Deirdre

Thank you.

Deirdre

[excited] Ohhh hello, Martin!

Deirdre

You've been so kind to me - I wanted to give you my new address.

Martin

Oh, great! I'd hate to lose touch!

Deirdre

I also wanted to bring you a farewell gift: my latest novel, "Foolish Escapade." It's the long-awaited sequel to "The Rose and the Rapier."

Martin

Swell!

Deirdre

[starts to stroke Martin's arm, flirtatiously] I was er, thinking of you when I created the character of Lorenzo, the lovesick gondolier...

Martin

[laughs] How 'bout that? Hah! Hey, where are my manners? Let me show you out!

Deirdre

Oh, by the way, the lock on my suitcase is jammed. I was er, hoping that you'd come and... [strokes Martin's face, very flirtatiously] tinker with it?

Martin

Oh gee, you know, I'd love to, Deirdre. But I, I promised Frasier I'd do something with him tonight.

Frasier

Oh oh, dad, didn't I mention it? I'm filling in for The Happy Chef tonight...

Frasier

...so, you're all hers!

Deirdre

[thrilled] Oh, marvelous!

Frasier

Goodnight, Lorenzo.

Frasier

Hello, Polly. How can I help you?

Polly

[v.o.] Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing what to do. I find myself lacking a certain spice.

Frasier

Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er, try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice.

Polly

What are you talking about?! I'm making an apple tart and I'm out of cinnamon!

Frasier

I see. [disconnects her] Listeners, for the fourth time this hour, I am NOT The Happy Chef. I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane! We'll be right back after the news.

Frasier

And while we're on the subject of tarts...

Roz

I'm really sorry about that call.

Frasier

No, it's alright, Roz. Why don't you just run along for your date? I can handle the last ten minutes here.

Roz

Are you sure?

Frasier

Sure!

Roz

I mean, I feel terrible leaving you here alone in the lurch. [whisks her coat off the back of her chair and rushes to the door] We are a team, Frasier; you just say the word and I'll stay... [shouts] Hey, hold that elevator!

Kate

Got a minute?

Frasier

Oh, yes. Er, look, I, I'm glad you're still here. [closes the door to the booth] Er, listen...

Kate

No-no-no, me first this time.

Frasier

Okay.

Kate

[clears throat] I really think that we should slow things down.

Frasier

[relieved] Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you!

Kate

Oh, how sensitive. And yet, at the same time, how full of yourself.

Frasier

[amused] You are one tough nut, lady.

Kate

[relaxed] Well, all this definitely shows we're doing the right thing.

Frasier

Agreed. Frankly, now that we've got that settled, do you mind if I ask you a question about last night?

Kate

Yeah.

Frasier

What the hell was that?!

Kate

I have no idea! I... ever since I've gotten here, you have done nothing but irritate me like a persistent skin rash.

Frasier

Yes, and you me! And, and, and last night was no different. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I guess that mouth of yours just ticked me off so much I just had to have it!

Kate

The whole thing... it's just, it's so primitive!

Frasier

Yeah, yeah, animal! We were just functioning on instinct.

Kate

It's fascinating, really.

Frasier

Oh, oh, let's not dismiss the element of danger - all those people outside that could have walked in any moment and caught us.

Kate

That crossed my mind...

Frasier

For once, in my cautious, buttoned-down life, I felt like a real bad boy.

Kate

[sheepish] I felt like a...dirty girl.

Frasier

[intrigued] What did you just call yourself?

Kate

[unashamed] I said "dirty girl."

Kate

[flirtatious] You bad boy. [grins excitedly]

Frasier

[aroused and mock-disapproving] You dirty girl.

Kate

[sexily] You bad boy!

Frasier

Dirty girl!

Kate

[whispers] Bad boy...!!

Frasier

[excited] Dirty girl...!!

Kate

[urgent] How much time do we have left on the news?

Frasier

Three minutes. [kisses her]

Kate

Right... [kisses him]

Frasier

But that's alright, I can play lots of extra commercials! [kisses her]

Kate

Oh good, [kisses him] good!

Newscast

[on radio:] In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the congressman said-

Frasier

[cuts in suddenly; orgasmic] Yes! YES!!! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy!

Frasier

[on radio:] Oh, yes... Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?

Kate

[on radio, whispering:] Stop talking.

Frasier

You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...

Kate

[more urgent] Stop talking!

Frasier

We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still...

Niles

[stares at the radio] Stop talking!

Roz

[triumphant] Okay, Fabio, I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.

Frasier

Done.

Roz

And two: who's Dirty Girl? [smiles]

Frasier

I can't tell you that.

Roz

Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!

Roz

Yes? [turns away from Frasier, lowers voice:] Not yet, I'll call you back.

Bulldog

Doc, I got one thing to say to you...

Frasier

Go ahead, take your best shot.

Bulldog

[in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man.

Frasier

Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.

Bulldog

Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?

Frasier

Bulldog, haven't you already seen? [points to the newspapers] I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.

Roz

[holds up a newspaper] Yeah, don't you see this right here? "'I Won't Fink,' Says Kinky Shrink."

Kate

Good afternoon, Dr Crane.

Frasier

Miss Costas.

Bulldog

Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.

Kate

Bulldog, this is really none of your business.

Bulldog

Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.

Roz

What?! Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?

Kate

[extremely uncomfortable] Dr. Crane, could I have a word with you in private?

Frasier

Er, I-I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.

Kate

Actually you don't.

Frasier

What?

Kate

I'm suspending you for a week. [to Bulldog] Bulldog, you're going on. [to Roz] Roz, you'll have to produce.

Bulldog

Alright!

Frasier

I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.

Kate

Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.

Martin

Hey! Turn those lights out!

Frasier

Why?

Martin

Deirdre hasn't finished moving yet. If she sees the light in here, she'll know I'm home! You can see your living room from her bedroom.

Frasier

Her bedroom...?

Martin

She had me cornered in there yesterday. I don't mind telling you, I haven't been that scared since Korea.

Frasier

Don't worry, dad. Look, I have no intention of letting anyone in here tonight. There's a damn tabloid news crew down in the lobby. I had to go in the back way and use the service elevator. [hangs up his coat]

Martin

Say, I tuned in to your show tonight. Why weren't you on it?

Frasier

[sulky] If you must know, I've been suspended for a week.

Martin

Oh, no.

Frasier

[depressed] I spent the last three hours at the observation deck of the Space Needle, looking down on a city that's looking down on me.

Daphne

Hello, Dr Crane.

Frasier

Daphne.

Frasier

I'm not here.

Daphne

Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having the whole house to myself.

Niles

Daphne.

Daphne

Oh, how lovely. Now the whole family's not here.

Niles

I listened to your programme as I was driving home last night. [holds up two pieces of paper] Here's a bill to replace the front wheel of my Mercedes, and the second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.

Martin

Go easy on your brother, Niles - he's had a rough day.

Niles

You're right, dad. [sits on the couch; sympathetic] Er, Frasier, please accept my apologies. I, I can imagine how trying this must have been for you.

Frasier

Thanks, Niles.

Niles

[unsympathetic again] 'Course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the "e" in our name. Hereafter, her memos will read, "From the desk of Maris Crané." [pronounces it, "Crah-nay."]

Daphne

Who is it?

Kate

[outside] Kate Costas.

Frasier

Wait, wait! Alright, all of you. You know nothing about last night!

Daphne

Hello!

Kate

Hello.

Daphne

Come in!

Frasier

Hello, Kate. [gestures at Niles] Er, you know Niles, of course. [gestures at Martin] Er, this is my...

Kate

[to Martin] Hello.

Frasier

...father, Martin...

Martin

Hi!

Frasier

...and er, [points at Daphne] his healthcare worker. Daphne, Kate Costas.

Daphne

Nice to meet you.

Kate

I'm sorry if I'm coming at a bad time.

Martin

Oh no, no, I, I - we were just taking Eddie for a walk. [heads towards the door]

Daphne

Yeah. [calls to Eddie] Eddie!

Niles

I have to be running along too.

Daphne

[to Eddie] Oh, what's that on your chin? Have you been in the garbage again? [turns to leave] You Bad Boy!

Kate

So... nice place. [goes towards the balcony] Whoa, what a view!

Frasier

[bitter] Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.

Kate

Well... I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise.

Frasier

Oh, really - for what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss!

Kate

Alright, alright, just tell me what I can do to make this right.

Frasier

[sulky] Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.

Kate

[no-nonsense] The owners wanted you fired.

Frasier

[beat] That's pretty good!

Kate

Look, there's no way we can rewrite the past. It happened, we did it, it's on tape. But we can do this: we can prevent it from ever happening again.

Frasier

Agreed. Obviously, there's some kind of incredible attraction between us. The trick will be simply to avoid the opportunity. We're strong, we're intelligent... and we're alone in this apartment.

Kate

[anxious] I'll get my bag!

Frasier

Yes...

Frasier

Oh Kate, Kate, er, that news crew's probably still in the lobby.

Kate

Oh, right!

Frasier

Let me walk you to the service elevator and see you out.

Kate

[to the moving-man] Going down?

Man

No, you guys go ahead. Just send it back up!

Frasier

Yes... well, I'm sure if we really try, we can keep things on a professional footing.

Kate

We're two mature adults.

Frasier

Just have to avoid all undue temptation.

Frasier

What's going on?

Kate

I don't know. [calls out] Hello?

Frasier

You know, let's have a little light.

Kate

[calls out] Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me?

Man

Hello?

Kate

Yeah! What's going on?

Man

Looks like you're stuck. Same thing happened this morning. Took about half an hour to fix. You two guys gonna be okay?

Kate

Yeah, yeah, we're fine. We're adults. [a little nervous] We're mature adults!

Frasier

Ow!

Frasier

It's getting sort of hot in here, isn't it?

Kate

[nervous] Yeah. It's a bit - it's a bit hot.

Frasier

You don't mind if I take off my jacket, do you?

Kate

[steadfast] Makes no difference to me.

Frasier

Well. Looks like we're gonna be here for a little while - may as well try to make ourselves comfortable.

Frasier

Maybe there are some chairs in here.

Frasier

Ah, here we are! I'll just have to move this down along...

Kate

What's that?

Frasier

I must have knocked open a music box in here somewhere.

Kate

[irritable] I'm not really in the mood for music. Could you stop that, please?

Frasier

Yes, yes, I'll try.

Kate

God, it's hot in here!

Kate

What's that smell?

Frasier

I seem to have broken a bottle of something... [realizes, gazes at her, worried] Musk oil...!

Frasier

[desperate] Oh, oh, where is that damn music box? [rifles through another drawer] Here it is! [picks it up and turns it off]

Kate

I really think that it would be a very good thing if you just did something about that musk oil...

Frasier

Ah, yes, alright, er, how about... Oh, I know, hand me that drop-cloth there and maybe I can just smother it.

Kate

[very tense] Who lives in this building?!

Frasier

You know er, I think we can just forego the musk oil right now. Why don't you just cover, cover that back up.

Kate

No no no no no, not gonna touch this thing again. [brushes herself off] Look at me, I'm all dirty.

Kate

Ooh, stop - stop - stop!

Frasier

You're right!

Frasier

We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and survived!

Frasier

My God, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of us! [laughs]

Kate

[laughs] I am, too! God!

Frasier

[relaxed] Ah...

Kate

Of course, the cable could break.

Frasier

[tense again] And we'd be kicking ourselves all the way down...

Kate

You are so right!

Kate

[with businesslike impersonality] Goodnight, Dr Crane.

Frasier

[same] Miss Costas.