The Last Time I Saw Maris

Vinnie

[v.o.] Anyway, Doc, I got this thing. It's, uh, got to do with women.

Frasier

Well, I sense you're having trouble finding Miss Right.

Vinnie

What, are you nuts? I meet Miss Right most every night! Eager young college girls, tough career women hungry for a little R-and-R, if you know what I'm saying...

Frasier

Well, you're leaving precious little room for misinterpretation. But I sense, despite these frequent dalliances, that you're still not truly happy.

Vinnie

Well, sure I am. It's just that I lost a pinky ring in one of their houses — star sapphire, beautiful thing. I figured if I went public with it on your show, I had a pretty good chance of getting it back.

Frasier

Well, Vinnie, it's obvious you know nothing about this show, or how to treat women. But even more appalling, you know even less about jewelry! A pinkie no more needs a ring than a neck needs a gold medallion!

Vinnie

Just shoot me, why don't you?

Frasier

I'd be delighted! [disconnects Vinnie] We'll be right back after this.

Noel

Hi, Dr. Crane.

Roz

He's driving me crazy!

Frasier

Well, Roz, we can't all choose our admirers.

Roz

It's gone way beyond the admiring stage. Have you seen this petition he's got going around?

Noel

Hi, Dr. Crane. Could you sign this petition someone "anonymously" posted in the lunchroom? It's to the talented producers of "Star Trek," suggesting a new character.

Frasier

[reading] "The all-powerful space vixen... Rozalinda!"

Frasier

"Four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak!" I'll sign that.

Roz

Frasier!

Frasier

[signing it] Well, Roz, television will never improve unless the viewers speak out!

Noel

Thanks. I'd better go. Well, [makes the Vulcan salute at Roz] live long and prosper!

Roz

Oh, just go! [Noel leaves] I am the joke of the station. When I used to come in in the morning the guard would say, "Morning, Roz." Now it's "All hail, Rozalinda!"

Frasier

Roz, I think you should be flattered. Noel's attempt to immortalize you is-is akin to... a love poem written by Robert Browning to his wife.

Roz

Did he ever write a poem where he gave her two extra breasts?

Frasier

Well, I'd have to check my English Lit notes, but I think not, no.

Frasier

Hello? Yes? Niles, Niles, slow down, I can hardly understand you!

Roz

What is it?

Frasier

Maris is missing! [Roz gasps] What? No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond! Listen, I'll be right over! All right, just hang tight! [hangs up] Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show?

Roz

No, you go, do whatever you have to do; I'll handle things here.

Frasier

You're sure you can manage?

Roz

If I can nurse quadruplets and still find time to rule Rozniak, I can do anything!

Frasier

All right, what's going on?

Martin

Yeah, Maris is really gone; I'm on the phone with the station right now.

Daphne

Apparently she just vanished. No note, nothing.

Niles

Oh, Frasier, thank God you're here. [hugs Frasier]

Daphne

Any news, Dr. Crane?

Niles

No, no, I asked the neighbors if they'd seen any strange cars in the neighborhood. One reported spotting something called a "minivan." But that was weeks ago!

Frasier

Well, there's no need to panic, Niles. I'm sure she's all right.

Daphne

Oh, dear me... [picks up the poker from the fireplace] I don't want to alarm you, Dr. Crane, but I'm getting a very strong vibration off this.

Niles

Oh, dear God.

Daphne

I can see Mrs. Crane. She's waving this poker around and screaming, "You thief! Get out! You'll never get away with this!"

Niles

Wait... no, I remember. That's what she said to the decorator when he tried to double-bill her for the andirons.

Daphne

I was wondering why the intruder was wearing Toreador pants.

Martin

[into phone] Yeah, Mike, I'm still here. Yeah, that's right, she's been missing three days.

Frasier

Uh, excuse me? She's been missing for three days and you're just panic-stricken now?

Niles

I only just realized it. The last two nights, I knocked on Maris's bedroom door to wish her goodnight and I was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.

Martin

[into phone] Uh, thin. Make that VERY thin. Caucasian. VERY Caucasian.

Niles

Oh God, what could be happening to her?

Martin

Oh, wait, wait, you got something? O.K., uh-huh, O.K. [to Niles] Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.

Niles

Oh, God. She's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.

Martin

[into phone] Yeah, O.K., slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...

Niles

Any restaurants?

Martin

Any restaurants? [to Niles] Not a one.

Niles

[springing up with joy] She's alive!

Frasier

Oh, Niles! You're certain!

Niles

Oh, yes! From that list, she's recreating her infamous "Sakes alive, I'm thirty-five" shopping spree!

Martin

O.K., Mike, thanks a lot. Yeah, I owe you. Bye. [hangs up]

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so relieved.

Niles

Oh, so am I. I'm exhausted. I was so scared.

Niles

Frasier? What's wrong? You look positively uncelebratory. Aren't you glad Maris is O.K.?

Frasier

Of course I am. It's just that... well, here you are, all panic-stricken and scared to death, and she's off on some shopping trip! Don't you find that the least bit upsetting?

Niles

Yes, I suppose her behavior was a tad inconsiderate.

Frasier

Well, she left without so much as a note or a phone call!

Martin

Frasier, stay out of this. It's between Niles and his wife.

Frasier

You know, I'm sorry, Dad, but this is not the first time we've experienced Maris's selfish behavior! She always puts her needs before his! She never attends family functions! Doesn't that make you angry?

Niles

Well, over the years I've learned to accept Maris's eccentricities.

Frasier

Oh, she's not being eccentric. She's being arrogant and selfish!

Martin

If he says he's not angry, he's not angry.

Niles

And even if I were angry, what would you have me do?

Frasier

Let it out!

Niles

Well, I am letting it out! [holds out his hands] I'm getting hives!

Frasier

Well, that is a triumph of self-expression! My God, man, why don't you just let out some of the words that you're dying to say?

Niles

Oh God, I am so sick of you and your relentless psychobabble!

Frasier

A-ha! You're not angry at me! That was directed at Maris!

Niles

Nope, that was for you! This is for Maris!

Martin

Whoa! O.K., all right, Niles, now you got it out of your system!

Niles

Yes, but it felt so good! Let me do one more!

Frasier

All right, Niles, this is good, this is healthy! But you've got to channel it! You must talk to Maris!

Daphne

Oh no, wait! That's beautiful! [grabs a porcelain "Commodore" statue] Here, this one's hideous!

Martin

Hey, I gave him that for a wedding present!

Niles

Well, all right, here!

Marta

[gasps] Dios Mio!

Niles

[smashing] Oh, Marta! This feels wonderful! You must try it!

Niles

I meant at your house.

Martin

Oh my God, it's Maris!

Niles

Maris?! What?! You said she was in New York!

Martin

Well, I don't know, she probably flew back!

Niles

All right, all right, no one panic, there's an easy solution to this! [grabs another vase] Frasier, bash me on the head with this, we'll tell Maris there was a break-in!

Frasier

Niles, Niles, stop it! God, you are the damaged party here, not Maris!

Niles

But-but-but-but the mess!

Frasier

This mess is the physical manifestation of years of repressed anger! It's time to draw a line in the sand and say, "I have had enough!" My God, man, show her your mess!

Niles

You're right. It's time I told Maris I will not tolerate this behavior. I'm going up there and I'm going to demand an apology!

Frasier

Good for you!

Niles

I always hated that dynasty.

Daphne

How're you feeling, Mr. Crane?

Martin

I'm fine, I wish you'd quit asking me.

Frasier

Well, it's a reasonable question for a man who just ate a cut of prime rib the size of a hatbox.

Martin

Well, whose fault's that? You're the one who was too embarrassed to walk out with a doggie bag. For what it cost, that meat was coming with me, one way or another!

Daphne

[checking her watch] Goodness, we've been gone three hours. Probably have a dog with a full bladder in there.

Frasier

Lord, let's hope so.

Martin

Hey, Daphne, how do you feel about taking him for a walk? I just want to get in there and unbuckle my pants — since I wasn't allowed to at the restaurant!

Daphne

Oh, sure. We all know how Eddie needs his exercise. I mean, we wouldn't want all that fatty meat he eats clogging up his aging arteries until his poor old heart gives out.

Martin

Oh and, uh, why don't you pick up some half-and-half at the corner store too?

Daphne

Get moving, old man!

Niles

There y'are!

Frasier

Niles?

Niles

Sorry to startle you, I let myself in. Want a beer?

Frasier

No.

Niles

I have to thank you for putting me in touch with my anger. I had no idea how therapeutic it was to just pick something up and smash it!

Frasier

Well... you're welcome, Niles. But, um, how did things go with Maris?

Niles

Oh!

Niles

I marched into her room and demanded an explanation. It seems that over lunch with her garden club, Maris heard that the new Couture lines had arrived in New York. So she hied her way to the airport, and in her haste she forgot to leave me a note.

Frasier

Unbelievable!

Niles

Just thinking about it makes me furious!

Frasier

Really?

Niles

Yes!

Niles

So I told her, "Maris, you were inconsiderate, and when you are ready to apologize, I can be reached at Frasier's!" Then I stormed out and slammed the door. Of course, it was that fourteenth-century Bavarian cathedral door, so I had to get two of the servants to help me slam it. But what it lacked in spontaneity it made up for in resonance!

Frasier

Well, Niles, you know I'm not usually one to toot my own horn, but I think in this case I was on the mark. You feel good, don't you?

Niles

I feel great!

Frasier

You feel empowered?

Niles

So empowered!

Frasier

And you'd like to switch to wine now, wouldn't you?

Niles

Oh, please.

Frasier

Hello? Oh, hello, Maris. Yes, Niles is here. I'll see if he's available.

Niles

Hello, Maris. Mmm-Hmm. Well, I know you're not used to me speaking to you that way. That's rather the point, wouldn't you agree? Uh-huh. I see. Well, thank you. I know this was a very difficult call for you to make. Goodbye.

Niles

She wants a divorce.

Niles

It's no use. She still won't talk to me.

Martin

Oh, just give her time to cool off. Call her again in the morning.

Frasier

Geez, you must be exhausted, Niles. Why don't you call it a day and get some rest, huh?

Niles

Do you have a blanket for me?

Martin

Oh now, Niles, you've been going through a rough time lately, you're not sleeping on any couch. You can sleep in Frasier's bed.

Frasier

What?

Niles

You're sure it wouldn't be too much trouble?

Martin

No trouble.

Niles

I wouldn't want to impose.

Martin

No, don't worry about it, you're family.

Niles

Thank you.

Frasier

Well, that was very generous of you.

Martin

Well, it's the least you can do after getting him kicked out of the house.

Frasier

Well, Dad, I was just trying to do what's right for him.

Martin

Well, trust me. I handled domestic disputes for thirty years. The first rule is, don't take sides.

Frasier

Well, it's just a little difficult when it happens to be your own brother.

Martin

Well, that's the second rule. When it's your own family, keep your nose out of their personal problems.

Frasier

This is starting to make some sense.

Martin

Well, maybe you should listen to your old man once in a while.

Frasier

I know.

Martin

I mean, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, I'm just a cop.

Frasier

But a darn good one.

Martin

You're going to talk to Maris, aren't you?

Frasier

I'll be back in an hour.

Frasier

Don't ignore me, Marta!

Marta

Go away!

Frasier

Let me in, I need to speak with Mrs. Crane!

Marta

Missy Crane say, no you Dr. Crane, no other Dr. Crane, and no Crane with a cane!

Frasier

Well, at least tell her that I'm here!

Marta

She know. Everybody know.

Frasier

Maris? Maris, we need to talk! Oh, look, look, I know you're up there, I can see you through the shutters! All right, if you won't talk, listen! Niles didn't ask me to come here, I came because I care about both of you. I realize that Niles spoke to you rather harshly today. Truth be told, is it was I that urged him to express his anger. As hard as it was for you to listen to such criticism, you're a fair-minded woman and you must concede that he had a right to be upset! [the window opens] Oh! Oh, Maris! By opening that window you're opening up a window to a long and happy marriage, that's good!

Frasier

All right, you're expressing your anger! That's good, too! But, listen, in spite of that last little outburst, I am not going to leave here until we've had some sort of a breakthrough! [attack dogs barking] Well, I see our time is up, I'll let myself out!

Frasier

I know you're there. After last night, frankly, I've had quite enough of your kind.

Frasier

You can stare all you like. I'm not going to give you anything to eat.

Frasier

Oh, all right, here. You might as well finish off this god- awful Shepherd's Pie that Daphne made. Lord knows it isn't fit for humans. [turns around and sees her] Did that sound like "humans?" I said "Mormons."

Daphne

You're not at your quickest first thing in the morning, are you?

Frasier

Well, it was a rough night.

Martin

[coming in] Well, maybe next time you'll listen to your old man and not come between a husband and his wife.

Frasier

And here's Dad, all sleep-refreshed and bright-eyed, ready to resume his lecture!

Daphne

Oh look, your brother left us a note.

Frasier

[reading] "Dear Dad, Frasier, & Daphne: when you wake up this morning I'll be gone. Thank you for all your help, but I don't want to be a burden any longer."

Daphne

You don't think... no, I'm sure this is all completely harmless.

Martin

Yeah, my gun's still locked up... and the door to the balcony's closed...

Frasier

And we all know that Daphne's Shepherd's Pie is still in the refrigerator.

Niles

Hi-ho, everyone! What are you all doing inside on such a beautiful, clear autumn day?

Frasier

Niles, you seem awfully chipper this morning.

Niles

Well, I woke up this morning and I had a realization. Like it or not, my life is changing. I'm single now, so I went out and rented a bachelor pad. Ooh, is that coffee?

Martin

Don't you think that's jumping the gun a little bit?

Niles

Oh no, Dad. Maris, uh, ordered me to get my stuff out of there by sundown, or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar. Oh, and I got these jeans! [pulls a new pair of jeans out of the shopping bag] Right? Right? And I'm starting a goatee, and I'm thinking of joining a gym, but I don't know whether aerobics or weight training is the quickest route to "buff!" Any thoughts?

Frasier

One thought: seek help! Niles, you've just been through a very traumatic experience here and you are deep in denial here. You are going through some very extreme emotions right now, and rather than feeling them, you're denying they even exist.

Niles

I'm not denying my feelings. I'm so in tune with my emotions that I was able to move through them quickly. In fact, I've logged them all in my journal.

Niles

Let's see, where are we? Here... [reading] "5 AM: Blissful confusion. Something's happened, but what?" "5:01: Ah, yes. An overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair." "5:07..." - this one's hard to read... oh, right! - "Wept uncontrollably." "6:15: All cried out. Hungry now. Ate entire box of Frosted Flakes, they're gr-r-r-reat!" [closes journal] So don't you tell me I'm not in touch with my emotions!

Martin

"9:45: get out the butterfly net."

Niles

It's not easy for me to say goodbye, especially after so many years — all we've shared, all that we've meant to one another. Jean-Pierre, Marie, Bernard — thank you for your years of devoted service. As a personal favor, please look after Mrs. Crane. It'll be just you and her from now on.

Marta

Uh, the staff, they have a question: Can we come with you?

Niles

Marta, I'm afraid this is a road I must walk alone.

Frasier

Must be very painful, isn't it?

Niles

Painful doesn't begin to describe it. But they're strong, they'll get over it. [some moving men come down carrying boxes; Niles goes over to them] Oh, watch that, careful with those!

Frasier

Look at him, Dad. My God, he's locked in denial!

Martin

Oh, for God's sake. First you get him to move out, then when he does he's not upset enough for you. There's no pleasing you!

Frasier

Well, what would please me would be to see him actually experience some real emotion! My God, he's walking through this thing like a zombie!

Niles

Well, that's everything. Shall we?

Martin

You know, there's no hurry, Niles.

Niles

Well, actually there is. I have aerobics at five, and then I'm meeting with my decorator at six-thirty. Off we go!

Niles

Have I got my wallet? [pats pocket] Yes. [turns to leave, but turns back again] Have I got my checkbook? [pats other pocket] Yes. [turns to leave, but turns back again] Have I lost my MIND?! I can't leave! This is my home! You're not taking me!

Frasier

Niles, Niles, open the door!

Niles

Nope, nope, bye-bye! Thanks for coming, I'll tell Maris you sent your best!

Martin

Now, Niles, calm down.

Frasier

No, no, don't calm down! Let it out! This is very healing!

Niles

Don't you ever let up?

Martin

Look, everything's gonna be fine.

Niles

No, it isn't. There's no life for me out there!

Martin

You're just excited.

Niles

I don't want to be a bachelor. I didn't like it the first time.

Frasier

Niles, look, just sit down for a second, O.K.?

Niles

Where, Frasier? [wanders around the room; puts his hand on an armchair] Here, in the chair that Maris and I picked out on our honeymoon in Vienna? [goes to the piano] Or here, where I sit Sunday mornings playing Mahler while Maris dabs at her watercolors? [goes to the fireplace] Perhaps here, where we sipped champagne on our last anniversary. Guess that really was our last anniversary.

Frasier

Oh, Niles...

Marta

Dr. Crane?

Niles

Yes, Marta?

Marta

Missy Crane give me message for you: if you say is all your fault, you no have to leave.

Niles

...I can stay?

Marta

She waiting upstairs.

Frasier

Niles, before you make your decision, just make sure that you're remembering things the way they really were. Yes, you bought that chair on your honeymoon in Vienna. But remember, you wanted to buy the chair that you saw in Paris. Yes, you sit at the piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris. But you hate Mahler! Besides Maris, who doesn't?!

Martin

Look, just give him a little air here...

Frasier

Look, all I'm saying is that along with the good things in your marriage, there were problems — things you said you couldn't live with anymore. Now if you want those to change, you have got to stand up to her. If you back down now, you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say, "I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith! ...Maris!"

Frasier

Well, I've lost all credibility here. Dad, would you please say something?

Martin

I told you, I'm not telling him what to do.

Niles

I wouldn't mind knowing what you think.

Martin

It doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what you think. Now if you want to walk up those stairs, we'll support you. If you want to go out that door, we'll support you there, too.

Martin

What are you, nuts?! You're gonna go up there and grovel to that woman after what she did to you?!

Niles

Actually, I was just going to get my car keys. [picks them up off the table by the stairs] But thanks for the impartial advice, Dad.