Frasier Grinch
Aired 19th December 1995 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by Philip Charles
Frasier
Ah, Niles.
Niles
Hello. Is it just me, or are the sidewalk Santas getting pushy?
Frasier
Well, tomorrow is Christmas. I suppose they might be expecting a little downturn after that.
Niles
[to waitress] Cappuccino, please. [to Frasier] So? When does Frederick arrive?
Frasier
In six hours and twenty-one minutes. Not that I'm the least bit excited.
Niles
Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First Christmas at daddy's. I imagine he has visions of sugarplums dancing through his head.
Frasier
No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets, he's probably got visions of bran.
Niles
Well, I've got my own reasons to celebrate. Maris and I may be together again, by the new year.
Frasier
[supportively] Oh, really Niles?
Niles
Yep, yeah. I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.
Frasier
Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Niles
Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table.
Frasier
Oh, hi Roz.
Roz
Hey. [to waitress] Double espresso, please. This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me. I never know what to give the men in my life.
Frasier
Since when?
Roz
Ha, ha. Funny man.
Niles
[to waitress, handing over his credit card] Excuse me, I'll take care of this.
Frasier
Oh, thank you Niles.
Roz
What's new, Niles?
Niles
I have been keeping it under wraps but, Maris and I have separated.
Roz
[feigning shock, badly] Oh, my God! I had no idea. I can't believe no-one told me. This is such a surprise!
Frasier
[can stand no more] That's enough, Talulah. You're not fooling anyone.
Waitress
I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
Niles
Wait, wait! What are you doing?
Waitress
[hands the pieces to Niles] The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory."
Frasier
Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz
Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Waitress
Would you care to use a different one?
Niles
There's no point, they're all in her name. [he gets his phone and dials a number] I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card. And my bank accounts. [realizes the phone is dead] And my phone service!
Bob
[v.o.] Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane.
Frasier
Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground.
Bob
That-that's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, but the flight the next gate over has a flight to Maui. I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
Frasier
Why are you hesitant to go home?
Bob
Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, and what do we talk about? What's going on in out lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the turkey. "Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder." "What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ange?"
Frasier
"Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird all day."
Roz
"Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
Frasier
"Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat. But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your home.
Bob
Well, I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc. I got a plane to catch.
Frasier
Mele Keleke Maka, Bob. We'll be right back after these messages.
Frasier
Oh, Roz. What did they say, what did they say?
Roz
Oh, relax. Frederick's flight is still on time, he'll be here in less than three hours. Oh, and the florist called, you can pick up your wreath on the way home.
Frasier
Oh, fabulous. You know, every year Dad puts that kitschy creature with the lightbulb nose on the door.
Bulldog
Hey, great party. Best one ever, thanks to me. I hired a stripper! Doc, you will never guess what her name is - Candy Kane.
Frasier
What are the odds?
Gil
For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review: vile bouquet, unwholesome colour, ghastly taste - and a kick that is simply heaven.
Roz
[trying to get rid of Bulldog and Gil] OK, 30 seconds, Frasier. [to Gil and Bulldog] Out!
Frasier
All right people, out, out, please.
Bulldog
[indicating the mistletoe] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my head?
Roz
Almost any clever remark? [Gil bursts out laughing]
Bulldog
What's she mean by that?
Frasier
Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?
Roz
You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you?
Frasier
Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat.
Roz
Right. Merry Christmas. [They kiss and hug]
Frasier
Merry Christmas, Roz.
Roz
Say "Hi" to Frederick.
Frasier
Yes, and say "Hi" to your mom for me.
Roz
Will do.
Frasier
Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season.
Frasier
So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."
Frasier
"Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute."
Frasier
"A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..." [hits cough button; to Bulldog] This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!
Frasier
"One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."
Frasier
"So one dark- [blows out Bulldog's lighter] -night, one dark- [blows it out again] -windy night..."
Frasier
"The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."
Frasier
"When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."
Frasier
YIKES! [starts ad-libbing] "He might have said that..."
Frasier
"But instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."
Frasier
OH, MAMA! — "he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife..."
Frasier
"And somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.
Frasier
There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed.
Frasier
Oh for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?
Frasier
And to all a good night. [leaves]
Frasier
Hi, Dad. Ah, [taking Rudolph down] I'm going to put this wreath up here.
Martin
What's the matter with Rudolph?
Frasier
Well Dad, you know, I just think that Christmas decorations should be understated and tasteful.
Martin
Boy, I can't get one thing that I want.
Frasier
Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead.
Frasier
Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."
Martin
Oh, don't be such a Grinch.
Santa
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Martin
It works when you step on the mat. [steps on it]
Santa
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Martin
It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays."
Frasier
Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony!
Martin
Well, I don't care what you think, it's not for you, it's for Frederick.
Frasier
God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six. By the time I was seven I started to have questions. When I was eight I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins.
Daphne
Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house.
Frasier
I see you've been busy in the kitchen.
Daphne
Yes. I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin
Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne
No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready. [She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat] You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas. [she leaves]
Frasier
Merry Christmas.
Martin
You know, someone's got to go back down to the storeroom, there's still something missing.
Frasier
You must be kidding, Dad. My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous.
Martin
Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard, the rest of the idea just fell into place.
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Hello, Frasier...
Niles
I know, I know - "Shut up, we'll hurt his feelings."
Frasier
So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
Niles
No, but! - I had an epiphany. I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!"
Niles
She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants me back! What do you think? [walks past Santa]
Santa
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Frasier
I think Santa's said it all for us.
Niles
Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing old lady things.
Martin
It's for Frederick!
Niles
[humouring him] Oh, of course it is. Oh, that reminds me, I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the airport to pick up Frederick?
Frasier
Of course you may, Niles. [picks up a large box] Just have to wrap up his presents first.
Martin
So what did you get Freddie?
Frasier
[opening box] Well actually dad, I ordered him the toy catalogue, from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted." I got him the junior astronomy set, and the geology lab - oh, and a fabulous thing called the "Living Brain." You get to paint each lobe a different colour, then you stuff it inside the Living Skull.
Martin
Hey, you know what kids really like? They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great. The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek. Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes. [Frasier glowers at him] Yeah. A little like that.
Frasier
Listen Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes. He's precocious, he needs to be challenged.
Martin
Oh, challenge him the other 364 days. One day out of the year, indulge him. Let him be a kid.
Frasier
Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... [He looks in the box] A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! [he grabs the delivery note] This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realise what this means?!
Niles
Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your "Living Brain."
Frasier
No. It means I don't have anything for Freddie. [gets his coat] God, I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's going to have a horrible Christmas.
Martin
It's all right, listen, it's OK. There's a big toy store in the mall. They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about it.
Frasier
Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad.
Frasier
My God, it's Christmas Eve, the gifts I ordered are three thousand miles away, my son is due in an hour, and on top of it all I have to go to a mall!
Santa
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Niles
[as Frasier turns] Oh, don't look at me, he said it.
Frasier
Niles, customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over on her way to the escalator.
Niles
Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
Frasier
That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do. Now listen, we've got five minutes. We've got to find a sales clerk.
Niles
Oh well, good luck.
Frasier
All right, we'd better find something ourselves, I guess.
Niles
Well hey, hey. This looks amusing.
Frasier
Niles, may I remind you we're looking for something educational?
Niles
Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons.
Niles
What's it doing?
Frasier
It's flashing. Niles, please remember that Freddie tested in the highest percentile for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning.
Niles
What's it doing now?
Frasier
It's beeping, for God's sake! And as much as I'd like to inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational, all right?
Niles
[laughing] I wonder what else it does?
Frasier
Let's see if it protects your head!
Niles
Ooh, here's something. Look at this, look at this.
Frasier
Oh, God.
Niles
It's called "Ecto Goo." [he picks up some green slime]
Frasier
Oh well, that sounds vaguely scientific, but what could he possibly learn from that?
Niles
[who's having trouble controlling the goo] Well, for starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store. [finally manages to drop the stuff]
Frasier
Let's see, I'll just have to remember what I ordered from the catalogue and look for that. First, the "Living Brain."
Kid
[who's been standing beside Frasier] Living Brain? What kind of dork wants that?
Frasier
With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday.
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier. [points to top shelf] Look, look, look, there it is. It's up on the shelf, it's up on the shelf.
Frasier
Oh, marvelous. [climbs up to get it]
Niles
Oh, Lord. It's covered with dust.
Frasier
The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor? [the box is empty] Oh, Lord. There's nothing in it.
Woman
Can I have it? [takes the box]
Frasier
It's an empty box, Ma'am.
Woman
I know, but I can put my son's Robo Geek in it. You know how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this nerdy?
Frasier
[to Niles] Oh God, this is hopeless. We'll never find anything for Frederick.
Niles
Oh, Frasier. Just give him a cheque.
Frasier
But Niles, you can't give a cheque to a child.
Niles
That's what I'm giving him. It has a stagecoach on it.
Frasier
Niles, Maris cancelled your account.
Niles
[realising] Damn!
Frasier
Oh, look. Look at that man's bag. "Young Minds." [to man] Sir, excuse me, is this store [indicating bag] in the mall?
Man
Yeah.
Frasier
And it's educational toys?
Man
Mmm-hmm, nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down.
Frasier
Yes! Petunia, there is a Santa Claus.
Man
No, they closed a half hour ago.
Frasier
Damn. [going through the items in the bag] Look, this is perfect, look a chemistry lab, and a picture puzzle and... [to man] You know, my son comes in, in half an hour and I've absolutely nothing for him.
Niles
[checking watch] He'll be in, in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tailwind.
Man
You ahh, you really need this stuff bad, don't you?
Frasier
Oh, you have no idea, it would save my life.
Man
I'll tell you what. Seeing as how it's Christmas...
Frasier
Oh, God bless you, sir.
Man
A thousand bucks.
Frasier
What?! A thousand bucks?
Man
Hey, take it or leave it.
Frasier
Well, I mean, there's just no more than a hundred dollars worth of things here.
Niles
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into Seattle airport."
Man
I'm just trying to do you a favour here.
Frasier
Well, it's some favour.
Niles
"Please make sure your tables and seats are in their full and upright position."
Frasier
Shut up, Niles! All right, all right, lets see what I've got here. [goes through pockets looking for money] All right, I've got, ahh... Here's three hundred dollars. Would you- would you accept a personal cheque for the rest?
Man
Hey, it's Christmas.
Frasier
Oh, bless you, bless you so much. Very well, thank you. Niles, give the man a cheque.
Martin
Where's Freddie?
Frasier
Putting on his pajamas. Told me he would come in and say goodnight after he brushes his teeth.
Martin
So how'd you do?
Frasier
[puting Frederick's presents under the tree] Well, I didn't get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right. I got him a microscope, a chemistry set, and a five thousand piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China.
Martin
Well, maybe he'll have fun with the boxes.
Niles
Dad, here you go, this is the last box from the storeroom. [puts box on coffee table]
Martin
Great.
Niles
Now, was this what you were looking for?
Martin
Oh, yeah. Santa's legs for the chimney, you remember these babies?
Frasier
Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed.
Niles
Frasier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few years back?
Martin
What? Hey... [feigning innocence] How did that get in there?
Frasier
[looking through box] Dad, these are all of the gifts I've given you for the last six years.
Martin
Hey, c'mon now, shut the- put 'em back. Close the box, will ya?
Frasier
Dad, look at this. My God, they're still in the original boxes, never been worn.
Martin
Sure they have.
Frasier
Oh, yeah. [showing him a tie] This one still has the tags on it.
Martin
Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having on Christmas eve.
Frasier
No, Dad? Well, what was it you wanted to say?
Martin
Well, you know Frasier, you're always giving people things you think they should like, instead of things that they really like. I mean, come on - [picks up the smoking jacket] In your entire life, have you ever seen me wear anything like that?
Frasier
Well, no. I thought you might like a change.
Martin
Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat, glove, everything, for Christmas. But you had your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you.
Niles
And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot-dog.
Martin
I'm just saying Christmas isn't the time you try to mold somebody, which is what you're trying to do with Frederick.
Frasier
I think I know what's good for my own son.
Frederick
I brushed my teeth, Daddy.
Frasier
Oh, that's my boy. Come on. [he picks Frederick up]
Frederick
Bonsoir, Uncle Niles.
Niles
Et toi aussi.
Martin
Hey, you'd better get to sleep, or Santa won't come.
Frederick
OK. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad.
Martin
[aside] I bet you don't.
Frederick
Yes I do too. It's an Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Frasier
What makes you think that?
Frederick
Because I asked Santa for it in my letter. They are sooo cool.
Frasier
Ahh, listen ahh, Frederick, there's erm... [Frederick runs towards the bedroom] Frederick, where are you going?
Frederick
I'm going to make myself fall asleep right away, so the next thing I know, it'll be morning. Goodnight, Daddy.
Frasier
I'll come in and tuck you in, in a minute.
Frederick
Goodnight, Grandpa. Goodnight, Uncle Niles.
Martin
Goodnight.
Niles
Goodnight, Frederick. I'm going to go home and go to bed too.
Frederick
I hope Aunt Maris comes out of her coma.
Niles
He asked where she was, I thought the truth would just upset him. I'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas.
Martin
See you tomorrow.
Frasier
Well, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas.
Martin
Oh, it's going to be fine.
Frasier
Done it again. Gotten everyone the wrong gifts. What is it about me? [getting present from under tree] Well, here, you might as well open your gift now. No reason for everyone to be disappointed tomorrow.
Martin
Hey, I'm sure I'm gonna love it. [he opens the gift]
Frasier
I doubt it. Not exactly my night.
Martin
Hey! A robe! Great, I love it!
Frasier
No, you don't. It's not a robe, it's a dressing gown. Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.
Martin
[putting it on] Hey, I love Noel Coward!
Frasier
Dad, you're overcompensating.
Martin
Some people are hard to buy for, I'm sorry. But, you know, you are too, I never know what to get you. Here. [puts present in front of Frasier] You might as well open this now.
Frasier
[opening present] Yeah. Guess it was easier when I was small. 'Cause kids always know what they want, don't they?
Martin
Yeah, yeah. It's rough for adults.
Frasier
[almost crying] Oh, Dad...
Martin
Merry Christmas, son.
Frasier
How did you know? It's just what I always wanted: My very own Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Frasier
Oh, Dad - oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included?
Martin
In the box.
Frasier
Oh, Dad! [hugs him again]