The Two Mrs. Cranes
Aired 17th September 1996 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Niles, what are you doing?
Niles
This fruit-nut muffin contains a number of things I don't care for. Currants, a husk of something... [flicks something off] Away, wrinkly thing.
Frasier
You know, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm gonna miss these tranquil mornings - I reading my newspaper, you tweezing your muffin!
Martin
Hey, boys. I got a letter from one of my old army pals, Bud Farrell. The whole platoon's getting together next weekend on Rattlesnake Ridge.
Frasier
Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier.
Daphne
[worried] Clive?
Frasier
Mmm-hmm.
Daphne
Did he sound British?
Frasier
No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives! He said he'd call back.
Daphne
I bet he will!
Martin
Oh, boy! [sitting down:] I can't wait to see the old gang!
Niles
Oh Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to Rattlesnake Ridge? It's five hours away, you know how your hip stiffens up.
Martin
No problem, they said I can bring a guest! So, who's the lucky one?
Frasier
Well, by my count, two of us get to be lucky!
Martin
Come on, they're great guys - Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course his name's not really Jim, we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud," because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
Niles
We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it! Anyway, I have a conference that weekend.
Daphne
And I have my friend Megan's birthday party.
Martin
Fras?
Frasier
Oh, please let that be Megan needing a clown for her party!
Daphne
[answering phone:] Hello? Oh, Clive! Yes, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Oh, I am sorry, I have dinner plans tonight. Well, maybe just a drink then. Say, 6:30? Me too. Bye. [phone down:] Oh, hell!
Niles
So who is this Clive?
Frasier
An ex-boyfriend?
Daphne
Worse! Ex-fiancé.
Niles
You were engaged?
Daphne
For years! We were mad for each other. He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw!
Niles
But-?
Daphne
Oh yes, that too! I just couldn't see a future with him. I mean, the man was a total layabout. No ambition, no drive! He couldn't hold a job. All he wanted to do was tinker about with his car. His fingers were always black from the motor oil.
Niles
What a brutish habit! If God intended for me to work on my Mercedes, he wouldn't have given me Horst.
Daphne
I had to break it off! But I had to bring him down easily, so I said if we were still free in five years, we could try again! And here he is, right on schedule! [Niles re-enters:] Well, what do I say to him?
Frasier
Well, be honest, tell him what you feel.
Daphne
And break the poor thing's heart all over again!
Frasier
No, it's the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish. Case in point: Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I don't intend to spend it with Budweiser and Boilermaker and their liver-damaged friend, Seltzer!
Martin
Well, that's fine. There'll be other reunions.
Frasier
[to Daphne:] See? No evasions, no inconvenient conferences, just simple honesty!
Martin
But I don't suppose Jim'll make it next time. Says here he just had his third bypass. But I'll see him this June.
Frasier
[getting up] Off to work!
Martin
Unless I go first!
Frasier
All right, I'll drive you to your stupid reunion!
Martin
Thanks, son.
Martin
I guess I'll leave it a couple of days before telling him about Stinky needing a ride.
Frasier
And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcoleptic I spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel a bit more alert, but in the meantime I suggest you reconsider applying for that air traffic control position. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780 AM.
Gil
Brilliant show, Frasier. Chock full of pithy insight.
Frasier
What do you want?
Gil
A favour. Bonnie Weems, the Auto Lady, just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties. Well, I was planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets, so do back me up.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, I can't!
Gil
But you've got to. Have you any idea how vile her food is? The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bin!
Frasier
Well, you see, she already invited me, and I told her I promised my father I'd drive him to his army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge.
Gil
Oh, very clever. Well, I'd use it myself, but I killed my father off to escape her Labour Day clambake.
Frasier
Er, Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
Roz
Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind.
Frasier
I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
Roz
Hey, just once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox, so I could look up his number and call him while he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would be wrong.
Frasier
Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch The Magic Flute!
Daphne
[o.s.] Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit. I wanted something that said "no romantic signals whatsoever."
Frasier
Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you've captured it. You know, Daphne, it's been five years. It's an awfully long time to carry a torch. Maybe he just wants to say hello.
Daphne
Oh, I certainly hope so. The thought of having to reject the poor thing again is more than I can bear.
Daphne
Oh dear, it's him. Anything between my teeth?
Frasier
No.
Daphne
Is there any spinach in the fridge?
Frasier
Just answer the door!
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, I was afraid you were Clive!
Niles
[acting:] Oh, Clive? Clive? [he "realises":] Oh, Clive. Is that tonight? Oh, well don't I feel silly bringing over this 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle.
Frasier
I'm sure Daphne doesn't want us horning in on her reunion. We're going to dinner!
Niles
Well, can't we order in? I've already assembled one kitten and two yarn balls!
Frasier
[takes the jigsaw away] I'm getting my jacket!
Frasier
Niles, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy?
Clive
Hello.
Daphne
Hello.
Clive
Look at you, you look wonderful.
Daphne
Oh! Go on.
Clive
I mean it. Very pretty and warm. So...
Daphne
So...
Clive
Oh my God! I've got a spot of axle grease on your sweater.
Daphne
Oh, it's all right, really. It's just a ratty old thing. Please, come in. [he does] Same old Clive, I see.
Clive
I suppose so.
Daphne
So, what brings you to Seattle?
Clive
[turns around] My undying love for you. Oh, damn! I meant to lead up to that, sorry.
Daphne
No, it's all right. Just a bit...
Clive
Abrupt. No "how are you, nice place you have here" - by the way, it is lovely. Is that the, uh, Space Needle? [goes to the window]
Daphne
Clive...
Clive
Super. Anyway, I remember what you told me five years ago. I thought my feelings might change, five years is a long time. But...
Daphne
Clive...
Clive
Let me finish! My feelings for you haven't changed. I think about you every day, every night, and there comes a time in a man's life when he's got to sum up the courage to look at a woman straight in the eye and say...
Niles
[entering with a bowl:] Cheese Nips? I'm sorry, is this a bad moment?
Clive
Well, actually...
Daphne
No, no, not at all. This is my very dear old friend, Clive Roddy. Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr. Niles Crane... my husband.
Clive
Your husband?!
Daphne
[putting her arm through Niles's] Yes, six months next week.
Clive
Well, don't I feel a bit... [to Niles] Congratulations, you're a very lucky man.
Clive
Six months? Well, you two are practically newlyweds.
Daphne
Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage. It's sickening, really. [kisses Niles]
Niles
Revolting! [kisses her back] Positively stomach turning! [He tries to kiss again but she pulls away]
Clive
I should be going.
Niles
No! I mean, we are so enjoying having you here.
Daphne
I did promise you a drink.
Clive
Oh. Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit.
Daphne
Oh! [to Niles:] Darling, would you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?
Niles
Certainly, my angel.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry. It seemed the kindest way to let him down. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. [opens fridge and bends over to get something from the bottom shelf]
Niles
When it comes to you, no position is... [turns round, coming face to face with her backside] too awkward.
Frasier
Oh hello, you must be Clive.
Clive
Yeah, and you are?
Frasier
Dr. Frasier Crane. [shakes hands]
Clive
Oh, Niles's brother.
Frasier
Yes. You met Niles?
Clive
Just now. Though I used to know his wife quite well.
Frasier
Really, you know his wife?
Clive
She's one of a kind, that one.
Frasier
Isn't she? [laughs with him]
Clive
Certainly can light up a room.
Frasier
Oh yes, usually by leaving it!
Niles
Frasier!
Daphne
Clive! I see you've met my husband's brother.
Clive
Yes. I'm not intruding on some family occasion, am I?
Daphne
[now in Niles's arms again] Oh, no! Frasier lives here. I mean, temporarily. He's�
Niles
Had a spat with his wife... Maris.
Clive
Sorry to hear that.
Frasier
Yes, me too. You know, Daphne, I'm parched, could you show me again where we keep the wine?
Daphne
Of course. Could you spare me a minute? [begins to leave]
Niles
Oh, oh, oh, oh! [stops her] Wait, you have to pay the love toll. [she kisses him] Too much, here's the change. [kisses her back]
Niles
[to Clive, giddy] Can you stay for dinner?
Frasier
I told you to be honest! But would you listen? No! Now instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade.
Daphne
Play along, please. I swear, one drink and he's out the door.
Niles
[entering:] He's staying for dinner.
Frasier
What?!
Daphne
Well, how did that happen?
Niles
He just sort of invited himself. Pretty damn cheeky if you ask me. [Frasier gives him a look of disbelief]
Daphne
Oh, dear God!
Niles
Obviously he still has hopes of winning you back. We must keep these signs of affection as realistic as possible.
Frasier
[interrupting:] Psst!
Daphne
Oh, what will I serve? Do we still have that lasagna?
Frasier
Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of this nonsense!
Daphne
[searching the fridge] Just do this for me. And anything you want, name it. Anything, it's yours.
Frasier
Anything?
Daphne
[realizing, turns around] Except Rattlesnake Ridge!
Frasier
[shrugs and calls] Oh, Clive!
Clive
[o.s.] Yes?
Daphne
[whispering] All right, I'll take him!
Frasier
Lasagna all right for dinner?
Clive
Super.
Daphne
I'm warning you, one thing goes wrong and the whole deal's off.
Frasier
Nothing can go wrong. We just have to stick to our stories and avoid any complications.
Martin
[o.s.] Oh, I see we've got company!
Niles
Dad!
Frasier
Dad!
Daphne
Dad!
Daphne
Clive, I'd like you to meet my new husband's father.
Frasier
[takes him coat:] Or, as we sometimes say in this country, Father-in-law.
Clive
I'm Clive Roddy. [shakes him hand.]
Martin
Yeah, Marty Crane. Somebody tell me...
Niles
[interrupting:] Oh Daphne, we've been so remiss. We haven't given Clive the tour.
Daphne
Oh yes, quite right! This is the living room.
Niles
No, I think he'll be more interested in the master bathroom. [covering up:] The shower being so large and Manchester being so rainy.
Daphne
Right this way. [she leads him off to the bathroom.]
Niles
Oh, you forgot to pay the toll.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Never mind.
Frasier
[to Martin] Now go away!
Martin
What the hell for? What's going on here?
Frasier
Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend; she's trying to let him down easily, by pretending to be married to Niles.
Niles
So this is my place. Frasier is staying here temporarily, because he's separated from Maris.
Martin
[to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh?
Niles
That's very amusing.
Martin
Do I still live here?
Frasier
Yes, of course you do, but I think for this evening it would be best if you just excused yourself. You see, it involves quick thinking and improvisational skills, and a knack for remembering details.
Martin
Oh, I never used any of those skills as an undercover cop.
Niles
Please don't be offended-
Martin
[sits down] No, I'm not offended, my two sons have just said I've got oatmeal for brains. Daphne and Clive enter with yet more complications.
Clive
So, Daphne tells me that you two are both psychiatrists.
Frasier
Yes.
Clive
Fascinating. Are you a psychiatrist as well, Marty?
Martin
Me? No, I'm retired.
Clive
What did you do?
Martin
[looking evily at the Crane boys] I was an astronaut.
Clive
Really! And you actually flew space missions?
Martin
Yeah, a couple. Me and Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin - you know, it was me that gave him his nickname "Buzz," You know, most people think it's 'cause he flew fast. Not true! He was scared of bees.
Frasier
Wh-Who is it?
Roz
[o.s.] Open up, Frasier, it's me.
Martin
What do you know, it's Maris!
Roz
[with opera glasses in hand:] Here are your stupid opera glasses. Are we friends again?
Frasier
Darling!
Frasier
[whispering in her ear] You're Maris!
Roz
What?
Frasier
[whispering in her other ear] We're married!
Roz
What?
Frasier
Just play along!
Clive
Well, their little tiff's over.
Frasier
Maris Crane, this is Mr. Clive Roddy.
Clive
It's a pleasure!
Roz
[overcome by Clive; saucily:] It certainly is. So, how long will you be in Seattle?
Frasier
Uh, Cupcake? [taking her away] Well, if you'll excuse me, we could do with a moment alone. Come with me, darling.
Niles
So, now you've met the whole Crane clan!
Clive
Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles
That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates: it's Moon- Crane.
Martin
I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.
Niles
So Clive, what do you do?
Daphne
Still mucking about with cars, I see. [points to some axle grease on his hand]
Clive
Oh, my hands? No, I helped a man change his tires on the way over here. Don't have enough time as I used to, what with my business and all.
Daphne
Your business?
Clive
Well, after you left I remembered the advice you gave me, and it all made sense.
Daphne
What advice?
Clive
Well, you know, "get a job you lazy git," that sort of thing. So I took a few business courses and opened up a little sporting goods shop. Next thing you know I had three of them.
Daphne
[to Niles:] Well, isn't this ironic! [removes Niles's hand] All these years I've nagged him to make something of himself. [forcefully, "Stop the Act!!!"] And now look at him, a captain of industry, and still as handsome as ever.
Niles
Yes, well, send in the clowns!
Niles
Don't bother, they're here.
Frasier
Well, bad news, it seems my Maris has to run off, she's got a previous engagement.
Martin
Oh, forget about your engagement, Maris. Stay for dinner!
Frasier
Well, actually...
Roz
[broad smile:] I'd love to.
Clive
Lovely, we can celebrate you two being reconciled.
Roz
That is still tentative, it could go either way.
Clive
Hello there, what's his name?
All
EDDIE!
Martin
So there I was, floating 20 feet up in the chamber, when some idiot turns off the weightless button and down I come on this big pickaxe we used for moon rocks!
Clive
And you still walk with a cane.
Martin
Que Sera Sera. I better turn in, boys.
Frasier
Don't forget your warm glass of Tang.
Clive
It was an honour meeting you, Commander.
Martin
Yeah, I had fun too. Goodnight, all!
All
Goodnight.
Clive
Delicious meal, Daphne. [Frasier and Niles go to the kitchen] Can't remember the last time I ate so much.
Roz
Well, that explains your fantastic physique.
Daphne
Yes, you are looking wonderfully firm. [feels his six-pack] Yes, and that little tummy.
Roz
Do you work out?
Clive
When I can. Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy.
Niles
[enters taking plates:] Daphne and I have our own little excercise regimen. We work up quite a sweat, don't we, darling? [leaves]
Daphne
I can't get over it, it's like you're a whole different person. [aimed in Niles's direction:] A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON!!
Frasier
[peering out of kitchen with coffee jug:] Well, who's for coffee?
Daphne
I'll give you a hand.
Daphne
Would you please tell Roz to stop flirting! Has she forgotten she is a married woman?
Frasier
Oh, you're one to talk. If you batted your eyelashes any harder, you'd blow out the candles!
Daphne
You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
Frasier
You wouldn't!
Daphne
Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride. [Frasier gasps]
Roz
And according to your love lines, what a naughty little...
Frasier
Maris, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted!
Roz
See you at home. More wine, please.
Daphne
Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear? Remember that blackout you had last month? [laughs] What am I saying? Of course you don't.
Niles
That's what I love about her, her sense of humour. Cookie, darling?
Daphne
No thank you, [to Roz's face:] some of us do look after our weight!
Roz
Now, now, Daphne. You have to keep your strength up. You are eating for two.
Clive
You're having a baby?! When you were planning on springing that news?
Daphne
We don't like to bring that up. It's a sore point around here, what with my sister-in-law being barren and all.
Niles
Now, now, it's not her fault. You see, my brother is impotent.
Clive
...Congratulations. Is there a loo I could, er...
Niles
Yes, yes, right there by the front door. We call it "Frasier's Bathroom," that is why we've monogrammed all the towels with his initials.
Frasier
Have you all taken leave of your senses?
Daphne
Well, she started it, hanging all over him.
Roz
What is your problem? Frasier says the only reason we're doing this is because you wanted to give him the brush-off.
Daphne
Well, I changed my mind! Didn't you see my signals?
Roz
Gee, I missed them, it must have been in the middle of one of my BLACKOUTS!
Niles
Wait, wait, wait, there's no need to fight, I'll flip a coin. [does, quickly] Oh, good news, Roz!
Roz
Hooray!
Daphne
[to Niles] Oh, sod off!
Daphne
You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me.
Roz
Dozens? [to Frasier:] Did you tell her that?
Frasier
Well, forgive me for keeping track!
Niles
Why are you fighting over that man anyway? He's got all the charm of a cricket bat!
Roz
You're right. You know what, Daphne? You can have him. You can have him, he's yours!
Daphne
Oh, fat chance I've got, now that you've told him I'm pregnant! How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby?!
Frasier
Hi, coffee?
Clive
No, thank you. I really should be going.
Daphne
No, no, please, I know what you must think, but we're not what we seem.
Clive
You certainly aren't. Look, I know I'm a guest here, so I've kept silent so far. But I'm sorry, I must speak: you're the most appalling family I've ever met. [to Frasier:] You breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses. [to Niles:] And you looking down your nose at me the entire time you were showing off your "posh flat." Well, to be honest, mate, I don't think there's anything remotely special about your bathrooms. [Frasier is offended; to the girls:] And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me right in front of your husbands. [to Roz:] You having just reconciled with Frasier, [to Daphne:] and you carrying Niles's baby. Well, I pity your child, Daphne. And I pity any good Manchester girl that comes here to this vile coffee- swilling Sodom and lets it change her like it's changed you.
Daphne
But I haven't changed! Really, we're not the awful people you think we are.
Frasier
No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night!
Daphne
Yes!
Clive
Well, I don't care to be lied to anymore. Goodbye, Daphne, Maris, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane. I'll never understand how two men like you could be spawned from that sweet, courageous old astronaut.