Liar! Liar!
Aired 14th January 1997 · Written by Anne Flett-Giordano & Chuck Ranberg · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
[opening the front door as the guest walks out] Glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time. Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been. Listen, now that you know the way don't be a stranger. OK. Good night! [closes the door after the man] Who the hell was that?
Niles
He's not from the station?
Roz
I never saw him before.
Daphne
He was table-hopping like crazy during the awards.
Martin
That's �cause he was our waiter.
Frasier
Well, that's the last time I say, "everybody back to my place!"
Bulldog
[holding up his SeaBea] Who cares about that guy? This is a great night.
Roz
For you, maybe. The rest of us lost.
Bulldog
Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose. It's an honour just being nomin... [breaks into laughter] I couldn't get through that crap on stage, I can't get through it now!
Roz
Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone?
Frasier
No, not at all. Who are you calling? It's practically midnight.
Roz
Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did. [dials the number then starts speaking into the phone] Hey Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? We won again! We're all here celebrating.
Roz
Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
Niles
You lied to "Gammy?"
Roz
Well, she's old and it makes her happy. She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle Pageant!
Frasier
You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question...
Martin
[preparing for the worst] Oh, here we go. Buckle up!
Frasier
Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is. Though obviously there are certain occasions when a lie would be acceptable.
Bulldog
Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed. "You're the best I've ever been with"; "Your thighs don't look that fat"; "Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy." [Bulldog notes the disgusted faces around the room] Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist; we live by different rules.
Niles
An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain. I'm reminded of Maris's brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her, "You look fine, darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse!"
Frasier
You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien. [laughs]
Martin
Seems as good an explanation as any!
Frasier
He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head. [laughs again]
Roz
How did Lilith find out?
Frasier
Well, apparently she was driving him and Toby to a Junior Mensa meeting, she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "I can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!
Daphne
I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told my school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip. [Daphne laughs hilariously whilst the others look slightly perturbed] Of course they were horrified and it didn't help my social life at all. [sighs] But for a while there it was nice having a sister.
Niles
Oh. Remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid The President's Physical Fitness Test...
Frasier
...that we lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off.
Niles
And we blamed that delinquent kid, John Rajeski.
Frasier
Yes.
Martin
[appalled] You did what?
Frasier
What's wrong?
Martin
You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm.
Frasier
[laughing] Well, of course we weren't going to tell you.
Niles
For Heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad. We were kids.
Martin
[turning back] You know, the headmaster said it was you two. I went down there and raised hell with him. I said, "My kids don't lie." Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled!
Frasier
[shocked] Expelled? If we'd have known that was going to happen we would have told the truth.
Niles
[unrepentant] Not me. He was a brute and a meanie.
Frasier
You're right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy." You don't have to be witty to be cruel.
Martin
Well, I don't give a damn what that kid did. Getting him expelled was worse. [angrily] I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody.
Frasier
Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate. Apparently there are no good lies.
Bulldog
Hey, hey, it's getting kinda heavy in here. We gotta liven this place up, huh? Hey, I know — party games, huh? All right Doc, I'm going to need a blindfold, whipped cream and a glass coffee table. [everyone looks mystified] What? Nobody went to camp?
Roz
[getting up] Forget it, Bulldog. These guys are no fun. [grabs his butt as she walks past] You know what? I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks.
Bulldog
[rushing after Roz to the front door] Now you're talking. Hey, if things go well I know an after after-hours place. And I got the keys.
Roz
Mmm. You get the elevator, I'll get my coat.
Bulldog
You're on.
Roz
No good lies, my ass!
Niles
Good morning, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, good morning, Niles... [suddenly notices Niles's suit] Oh dear God — it's finally happened. This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave her specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity!
Niles
I didn't use Renaldo. This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes.
Niles
[annoyed] Well, why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build?
Frasier
Oh please.
Niles
Obviously we have to sit apart.
Frasier
Sit down! There's something I need to talk to you about. I doubt most people are as tuned to these things as you and I are. I'm sure they won't even notice.
Waitress
[to Frasier] Here you are, double espresso. [to Niles] I took a chance and brought you the same thing. [leaves]
Frasier
After our conversation last night I couldn't stop thinking about our getting John Rajeski expelled. I didn't sleep a wink.
Niles
You can't be serious?
Frasier
You mean it didn't bother you? Where is your conscience?
Niles
Perhaps it fell into the quad - along with my hall monitor beret when John hung me from the flagpole! He was going to be expelled sooner or later. You cannot guilt me into feeling bad.
Frasier
Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did but I still think we owe him an apology. Can I borrow your phone, Niles?
Niles
Certainly. [hands over phone then suddenly realises] You're not going to call him?
Frasier
I am.
Niles
Are you insane?
Frasier
[speaking into the phone] A number for a John Rajeski, please? [speaking to Niles] Niles, my conscience won't rest until the two of us have said we're sorry. [speaking into phone] Oh yes, connect me please.
Niles
Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry. But don't tell him that. And if he asks, I'm living in Italy. No, no, France. No, Italy!
Frasier
[speaking into the phone] Yes, hello. Is John Rajeski there, please? It's an old friend... Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Thank you. [hangs up] Niles, it's worse than we thought — he's in prison.
Niles
[smug] Well... who's wearing shorts in the shower now?
Frasier
Well, joke all you like. I still can't help thinking this is all our fault.
Niles
How?
Frasier
Well, he was always on the cusp. Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school. Maybe he had to go to public. Got in with the wrong crowd. Couldn't hold on to a job. He could turn to a life of crime.
Niles
Frasier. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people. We did not set him on the path to prison.
Frasier
Yes, well until I'm sure of that fact my conscience will not rest. I have got to speak with him. [to waiter] Can I have the check, please?
Niles
[incredulous] You're not going down to the jail?
Frasier
Yes, I am. I invite you to join me.
Niles
[sarcastic] Yes, that's a good idea, Frasier. The Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits!
John
Frasier Crane?
Frasier
John.
John
[smiling and shaking his hand] Hey. How's it going?
Frasier
Well, fine. And you?
John
Eh... [shrugs and waves at his surroundings] What brings you down here?
Frasier
Well, I don't know if you get the alumni magazine, but I became a psychiatrist, and I'm currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there... [notices John's fists] That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.
John
[laughs] I caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff.
Niles
Oh, yes. I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria. As I recall you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher.
John
Yeah, class clown — that was me. [both laugh at this] How is Niles, anyway?
Frasier
Ah, er... ah, he's abroad now.
John
Really? Whoa, that must have hurt.
Frasier
No, no, I mean, er... yes, I suppose it did! Well anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here.
John
Ah, that's easy. I'm doing time for passing a bad check.
Frasier
Ah. [begins writing in his notebook]
John
You see, I wanted to get my wife something nice. We're going through a rough time recently. I was scared she was going to leave me, you know?
Frasier
[relieved] Well, that was quick and painless. We've identified the point where you fell off the beam. [gets up to leave]
John
Actually though, I was already on probation. I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn't belong to me.
Frasier
And that was your first infraction?
John
Yeah.
Frasier
[getting up again] Well then, case closed, mystery solved. A young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car. Is there anything more tragic?
John
I did have a juvenile record.
Frasier
[sitting down again] Apparently there is.
John
I got in a high school fight.
Frasier
You did say high school, not prep school?
John
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is way after you knew me. I went bad then. Always getting into fights. Of course I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't have gotten thrown out of that good school me and you were in. That had a big effect on me you know?
Frasier
Yes well, perhaps we could continue our backward journey through...
John
[getting up] No, no, no. That was a bum rap. Somebody pulled the fire alarm and they blamed me for it. They said I did it but I didn't do it.
Frasier
[becoming visibly worried] Let's discuss your early childhood.
John
[stamping his fist off the desk in anger] You know, the more I think about it, this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school. Ever since then my life's been crap! CRAP! [now banging the desk in rage]
Frasier
[hurriedly gathering his notebook and getting up] I think I have all the information I need now.
John
Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that.
Frasier
Well, that's all right, John. [shaking hands with John] Thank you for your time.
John
I got plenty of it. I'll see you, huh?
Frasier
[nervously thinking as John knocks on the door to leave] No, no, John. There's just one more thing. [turns to the guard who's ready to take John back] One second, please. [turns to John] There's something I need to tell you about, something that I did in school that I'm not very proud of...
Prisoner
Yo, John. Sorry I touched your comb, man.
John
So what did you do?
Frasier
Er... well, I, er... I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz.
John
[jokingly] And I'm the one who gets expelled?
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane
Niles
Hello, Daphne, Dad.
Daphne
Something wrong with your back?
Niles
I injured it this morning playing squash. I had to make a dive to save match point.
Daphne
Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that. You take off your jacket, I'll be right back. [goes to the powder room]
Niles
You're too kind. You know, I should never even have attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.
Martin
You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
Niles
Quiet!
Daphne
All right, pull out your shirttails and lay facedown on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you'll be feeling much better. [Niles lies down and mutters a moan of satisfaction] I haven't even touched you yet!
Niles
I started without you.
Martin
[concerned] Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna use that stuff on him, are you? She used it on me one time, it burned like hell!
Daphne
Oh, hush up, old man. It helped you, didn't it?
Martin
It nearly killed me!
Daphne
Listen to the big tough policeman. You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane?
Niles
[in heaven] Not a bit! Frost me like a cake!
Martin
Well, just wait a minute. It goes on cool but it then it turns into a blowtorch.
Daphne
Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is, don't we?
Niles
I should say we d...[winces slightly] Ooh!
Daphne
Is it starting to warm up?
Niles
[wincing a little more] Ahh, yeah! It's a... refreshing heat, like those towels they give you on the airplane. [clearly feigning pleasure] Whoooo!
Daphne
I'm not hurting you, am I?
Niles
No, no. I'm just a little ticklish back there.
Martin
Well, I guess you are the tough one!
Daphne
[getting up] There you go.
Martin
Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne — you missed a big spot right there.
Niles
[hastily getting up] No, that's OK! Because it's all done now! Thank you, Daphne! [in agony] A few minutes ago I was bent over in pain, [rushes for the kitchen bounding over the coffee table] but now look at me, I'm running!
Daphne
How is that hip of yours, anyway?
Martin
Back off, witch woman!
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Evening, Daphne.
Martin
How did you get on at the jail?
Frasier
Horribly! The man is convinced that getting thrown out of prep school was the beginning of his life of crime.
Martin
Been thinking that all these years?
Frasier
[disconsolate] No. I sort of connected the dots for him!
Martin
You tell him it was you?
Frasier
I intended to, but I became convinced that the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties.
Martin
Well, you probably made the right call. Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up worse than he would anyway.
Niles
[emerging from the kitchen] I hope you remembered to tell him I was an expatriate.
Frasier
I told him you were an ex-something. [Niles looks confused.] You know, I just feel so guilty. I have done this man a terrible injustice.
Daphne
You know, Dr. Crane, I've always believed life has a way of balancing itself out. Yes, you may have treated this man unfairly, but think of all the people you've helped on your show. Just yesterday you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes.
Frasier
That was sweets, not Swedes!
Daphne
I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals.
Frasier
You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It's not enough that I help other people, I want to help this man.
Niles
Well, I hope you do, Frasier because then finally you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your... [bends over and suddenly cries out in agony] Oh, pain's back!
Martin
Not to worry. She's got more liniment.
Niles
[suddenly standing upright still in agony] Oh, pain's gone!
Daphne
Come on now. Be brave. [drags Niles's behind her] Let's go into the loo and I'll give you a second coat.
Frasier
You know, Dad, Daphne gave me a thought. I'm a skilled couples' therapist. John did mention that he was having marital problems...
Martin
Oh, Jeez!
Frasier
[heading for the phone] No, no, Dad. This is perfect, this is perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man's life but with my gift I could save the next 25. [speaks into the phone] Yes, a listing for a John Rajeski, please.
Martin
I'm telling you, Frasier, don't get mixed up with this guy. He's a felon.
Frasier
Dad, just relax, please — I know what I'm doing. [speaks into the phone] Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me but I'm...
Frasier
Why - well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband's!
Frasier
Mrs. Rajeski?
Susan
Wow, it's really you — Frasier Crane!
Frasier
May I?
Susan
Oh gosh, I'm sorry. Please, please come in. [Frasier walks in] You know, you're kind of like a God at work. [Frasier looks a bit humbled] Please, please sit down.
Frasier
[sitting down] Thank you. Let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help?
Susan
Well, I love John. I really do, but there is a problem. It's just a little difficult talking about it, you know? I mean, it's a little embarrassing — especially face-to-face.
Frasier
Well, I'll tell you what. Just pretend I'm on my radio show, [turns his back to Susan] and now you're just another caller.
Susan
OK. Well, Dr. Crane, it's a sexual problem.
Frasier
Ah.
Susan
You see, I can only get really turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous.
Frasier
[turning round] Dangerous?
Susan
You're looking at me.
Frasier
[turning back round] Sorry.
Susan
Like doing it in a car.
Frasier
Well, that's not so dangerous.
Susan
You must be some driver.
Frasier
[realises] Oh. And you've never had an accident?
Susan
No, I'm on the pill!
Frasier
[back still turned] So how long have you had this particular kink?
Susan
[standing up starts playing with her buttons] Well, I don't know really. It kind of started around the time that I first met John. I was working in a convenience store, I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew we were rolling around on the Slurpy machine and I'd already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way...
Susan
That's when I realised what really turns me on - knowing I could get caught at any moment. [leaps onto Frasier's lap]
Frasier
[horrified] Oh, Dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he?
Susan
He could walk in at any time.
Frasier
He'll kill us!
Susan
[writhing in pleasure] Ooh, touch me here and say that.
Frasier
[struggling up with Susan still attached] ARE YOU CRAZY?! He doesn't even let people touch his comb!
Susan
I know. What's that all about?
Frasier
[backing off] You might like to put your dress back on, straighten up before he gets home.
John
Open up.
Frasier
[panicking] You only have time for one — I suggest the dress. Where's the bedroom?
Susan
You're in it.
Frasier
Listen, you've got to get him out of here.
Susan
[excited] And pass the chance to have sex with him knowing he could find you here at any minute?
Susan
[hugging John] Welcome home, baby!
John
[hugging Susan then noticing the negligee] What are you doing?
Susan
Well, I'm just getting ready for you. Oh, I missed you. So, do you want to?
John
Sure I do, but, er... you mean normally. The super's not going to barge in? You didn't dial 911 or anything like that?
Susan
I've got everything I need right here in this room.
John
[kissing Susan] I'm just going to pull down the shades. [heads for the shades, which are next to the sofa]
Susan
Wait, wait!
John
[angrily] What the hell is this?!
John
How much did you spend on these?
Susan
Oh, Johnny, can't we talk about that later?
John
[hugging Susan] Why don't you turn off the light?
Susan
It's too dark. I want to see you.
John
Whatever you want, baby. This is going to be great. I am going to make love to you all night.
John
But first, I have a surprise for you. I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] "I am a garden, dry and brown. You are the rain that tumbles down, Susan. I am a beggar that needs to eat, you are a sandwich thick with meat, Susan."
John
Oh my God. I knew you had something planned — you set the building on fire!
Susan
No I didn't, I swear.
John
Come on, let's get out of here.
Susan
Oh, but the firemen — they're on their way.
John
Come on!