Three Days Of The Condo

Daphne

Well, I'm off to get our lunch. Any special requests?

Sherry

Oh, no, no, no, anything you pick you will be fine.

Daphne

Okay, then. Back in a bit.

Sherry

She is such a doll. You are such a doll!

Sherry

I thought she'd never leave!

Martin

I know. It's nice to have some time alone finally.

Sherry

Oh, isn't it?

Martin

Come here, you.

Martin

Hey, get your own. Now, come on now, get away, come on. Come with me, come on, Eddie. [gets up] Come on.

Martin

There you go. Seat's already up for you. It's happy hour! [shuts door] Where were we?

Sherry

Oh, come here, you little devil, you.

Daphne

Well, look who was just coming home with take-out from the gourmet shop.

Sherry

Boys, hi. Don't you look handsome in your best bib and tucker. Come and give Aunt Sherry a great big kiss!

Niles

Perhaps just a friendly wave from across the room.

Sherry

Niles, you are so shy. Thank God your big brother isn't. Now come on, Fras, plant one on me. [he reluctantly does]

Frasier

[screws his face] Has Eddie been licking you?

Sherry

Yes.

Frasier

Yes, yes, I thought your perfume had a hint of sausage in it.

Sherry

So, you two've been shopping?

Frasier

Well, antiquing actually. I just found the most exquisite Japanese door knocker, it's said to bring peace and tranquility to any home it adorns.

Sherry

Oh, I haven't seen any decent oriental knocker since "Emperor Charles's Shanghai revue!"

Martin

[laughs like mad] Isn't she great? She is as funny as she is classy!

Niles

No argument there! Oh, by the way, if you want someone to install that for you, I can put you in touch with my ex- houseman, Guy. [sounds like Ge]

Frasier

Guy?

Niles

No, [same pronunciation] Guy!

Frasier

Guy?

Niles

No, back of the throat, [same pronunciation] Guy.

Frasier

Oh, what's the difference?! Also, heavens, I can install a simple door knocker on my own. [laughs]

Martin

You probably need a screwdriver.

Frasier

That's exactly what I was about to get.

Martin

It's in the tool drawer.

Martin

The drawer under that big tea server thing.

Frasier

Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar! My God, how long have you lived here?!

Daphne

Here we are. Lunch is ready.

Sherry

Oh, actually, hon, I just remembered I've got an errand I gotta run before I get to work. Goodbye, Niles. [goes to him] Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you, I know it embarrasses you. Wait, come here, you've got some schmutz on your cheek.

Sherry

My mistake, it's a mole, you might want to have that checked.

Niles

Oh, I think now I'll just play it safe and have it removed. [wipes off Sherry's spit]

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, you know, apparently this morning when you were dusting, you forgot this object does not face front but rather askew. [turns it]

Daphne

I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I should never have tried to do it without that diagram you drew me.

Sherry

Oh, Frasier, now that I know you like antiques, I've got a little present at home for you. It's a lamp, shaped like two frogs kissing and when you turn it on, their hearts glow. When would you like me to bring it by?

Niles

Preferably when I'm here.

Sherry

I'll bring it with me tomorrow. Bye-bye. [exits with Martin]

Frasier

Daphne, would you bring me the hammer?

Daphne

I thought you just needed a screwdriver for your door knocker.

Frasier

Well, I do, I just want to be prepared for when that froggy lamp gets here.

Sherry

I'll see you later, honey, I'll call you.

Martin

Okay, bye.

Martin

Oh, hi there, Mrs. Langer.

Langer

Ms!

Martin

Oh, right, Ms...

Martin

Ms...erable cow! [laughs and enters apartment] Niles, tonight's your opera night, isn't it?

Niles

Yes. Why?

Martin

Well, I was just wondering. You know, I'd love to cook a nice romantic dinner for Sherry but I can't do it at her place because I'm allergic to her cats and there is no privacy around here.

Niles

Say no more, Dad. My bachelor pad is the perfect place to entertain a young lady. Just remember, always use coasters, no snacking in the carpeted areas and close the art books after viewing so you don't crease the spine!

Frasier

I think they have the same rules at the "Playboy Mansion."

Frasier

Oh, it's on, that's fast. Huh, that's not so hard. You know, tomorrow morning I think I may just have to attack that leaking sink in the powder room. [closes door]

Daphne

Oh, sorry, I thought that was a joke.

Frasier

Ah! The inaugural knock.

Frasier

Oh, what's this? [reads] "Your unauthorised door knocker violates the condo by-laws regarding hallway decoration. Remove it immediately."

Daphne

Oh, that's one of Mrs. Langer's no-no slips. I can't stand that woman. Just because she's president of the condo board she acts like this building's her kingdom. Everything has to be done exactly the way she likes it.

Frasier

Yes, well, Daphne, nobody hates a bossy fussbudget more than I do but... Daphne, askew, askew! [turns another objet d'art] But, rules are there for reason. I was obviously at fault for not getting approval before I hung it up there.

Niles

I did notice a sign in the lobby about some condo board meeting tonight if you want to present your case.

Frasier

Oh, perfect. We live in a democratic system and I will work within it. I'm sure I can persuade them with my charm and eloquence.

Daphne

I don't know, those people can be very difficult.

Frasier

Oh, pish-tosh! It's not as though I'll be addressing the Supreme Court, I'll simply be talking to the board!

Martin

[aside] Well, they will be by the time he gets though!

Langer

After careful consideration of the bids from a number of gardeners, we have decided to go with Jordan landscaping.

Frasier

[to Molly] Excuse me, I'm not too late, am I? I was hoping to make a statement.

Molly

Me too. They will be getting to new business soon, fortunately.

Frasier

Good, good. I have a matter of some importance.

Molly

Oh, well then you should go before me.

Frasier

Oh, well, thank you. Why are you here?

Molly

I'm going to ask them to make the ramp outside the building less steep, so I don't keep rolling into traffic.

Frasier

[guilty] Oh, well, er, perhaps you should go first.

Langer

Is that Frasier Crane talking while I'm talking?

Frasier

Well, yes, I'm sorry, Ms. Langer. I was just inquiring as to whether I was too late to raise some new business.

Langer

Well, we were just about to get to that. Why don't you go ahead?

Frasier

[to Molly] I'll be quick. [stands and speaks] Ah, earlier today, I installed a new door knocker without your permission. Now, I'd like to say in my defense that my over- eagerness was not out of disrespect but rather enthusiasum for the door knocker, which I'm sure you will agree is really quite beautiful. [hands the board members a picture] I understand the rule exists to prohibit people from putting eyesores in public places, but I ask you, should it apply to something as beautiful as this? [hands some pictures out to audience] Here, if you will please. Something, which only serves to elevate our spirits. Let's just say somebody passes by my door, sees the knocker and suddenly feels just a little bit better without even knowing why. That same person passes a perfect stranger and smiles - who in turn... reaches down and picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash; plants a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen? Like little ripples on a still pond, the happiness spreads. What I'm asking to do, think of this not simply as an ornament but rather an opportunity, dare I say it, of knocking on the door of a new, more civilised world. [collects pictures] Thank you.

Langer

Allow us just a moment.

Frasier

Of course.

Langer

Request denied! You must remove the knocker within twenty- four hours, despite the consequences to world peace.

Frasier

I appreciate your...

Langer

Are you still talking? Your request is denied! Sit down!

Frasier

But there has been no discussion, it hasn't even been opened up to the floor.

Langer

I will entertain suggestions from the floor if anyone has any idea how to shut this man up!

Frasier

Forget it! I came down here expecting a fair hearing in the democratic tradition, but here you are: a tyrant more concerned with the exercise of power than with justice! Well, I will leave now taking solace in the certain knowledge that in time, you, Ms. Langer, will join all tyrants on the ash-heap of history!

Frasier

I'm not here.

Frasier

You know, I'll just get those later.

Man

Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Yes. Who's there?

Man

A friend. [Frasier steps forward] Ah, keep your distance.

Frasier

Why can't I see you?

Man

That's not important right now. What's important is that you were not afraid to go up against Ms. Langer last night.

Frasier

Without much success.

Man

More than you know. Those people in the building are afraid of her. There is a group of us who fight her though, a small- but-determined band of resistors. You know the doormat by the service elevator? [Frasier nods] We did that!

Frasier

It's very nice.

Man

We would like you to be our candidate to go up against her in the upcoming elections.

Frasier

Well, I'm very flattered, but you see...

Man

You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. [carried away] She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.

Frasier

Of bad water pressure?

Man

No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair. Only you posses the charisma and courage to defeat her.

Frasier

Well, that may be, but, er...

Man

I am not asking you to decide right now. I just want you to say you'll think about it.

Frasier

All right, but why can't I see who you are?

Man

Because I'm remodeling my bathroom! If she found out I was talking to you, she would never approve my bidet. Just think of me as "Mr. X"!

Frasier

That would work better without the vanity plates, Dr. Dorfman!

Niles

Frasier, wait.

Frasier

Oh, hello, Niles. [opens doors for him] You know, Niles, the most extraordinary thing just happened to me down at the garage.

Niles

Excuse me... is Dad home now?

Frasier

Yes, as far as I know.

Niles

I was afraid of that.

Frasier

Why? Is something wrong?

Niles

Well, last night I invited Dad to use my apartment for a quiet, romantic dinner with Sherry while I attended "La Traviata." Well, the production was just dreadful. In "Opoir Selor Oui," the soprano couldn't hit the E flat above high C to save her life! I was so fed up I stormed out, drove home, entered my apartment and when I saw what Dad and Sherry were doing there, I hit the note myself!

Frasier

You mean they were...

Niles

They were!

Frasier

Oh! What did you do?

Niles

Pulled up a chaise lounge and took out my opera glasses, what do you think I did? I slammed the door and ran away. I've never been so embarrassed.

Frasier

Oh Niles, you simply have to diffuse the entire subject with simple, adult conversation. I don't want to re-create what happened to Maris and me after the cabin incident when I walked in on her taking a shower. Oh God, months of avoidance and awkwardness.

Niles

[shocked] Excuse me? You saw my Maris completely naked?

Frasier

Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.

Niles

Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eyefull of Dad!

Frasier

Well, I'd say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!

Frasier

Oh Roz, you're here.

Roz

Is that your idea of an apology for making me work on a Saturday and then getting here late?!

Frasier

I was detained.

Frasier

Roz, the most extraordinary thing happened. I was down at the parking garage, when suddenly I was blinded by a set of headlights. A mysterious man crept from the shadows and told me I should run for condo board president.

Roz

You've been at your wine club, haven't you?!

Frasier

No. This really happened.

Niles

Surely you're not actually thinking of running? You've never held an elected office in your life.

Frasier

Are you forgetting I served two terms back in high school as grand panem tandrum of the vocabulary club!

Roz

Listen, Frasier, this job is a nightmare. Trust me, I know. Like if somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.

Frasier

Have you served on a condo board?

Roz

No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

Daphne

Hello, all. [they greet her]

Niles

Let me help you with those. [he does]

Daphne

Thanks. I've had to lug these things five blocks. This morning, Mrs. Langer gave me one of those no-no slips for parking in the same vacant space I've been using for years.

Frasier

God, I'm sorry, Daphne, I'm afraid this is my fault. Ms. Langer's simply retaliated against me. You see, last night I rather humiliated her in a dazzling display of rhetoric!

Daphne

I heard you spilled your briefcase all over the floor.

Frasier

You know, this building has a grapevine Ernest & Julio Gallo would envy! You know, perhaps I should run against Ms. Langer. God knows, she's ripe for a good comeuppance!

Daphne

Oh, I know exactly what you mean, Dr. Crane. I was standing behind her in the elevator the other day, looking at the back of her head and I thought, you know, several stout whacks with a tire iron and this building would be a much happier place! I'll just get these bags off to the kitchen.

Niles

Frasier, this Langer woman sounds as if she wields considerable power. What if you run against her and lose?

Roz

I'm with Niles, let somebody else do it.

Frasier

What an appalling expression of apathy. What kind of a world do you think this would be if everyone thought the way you two do? [Niles exits to the kitchen to help Daphne]

Roz

Everyone does think the way we do.

Frasier

And look at the kind of world it is! Corruption in high places, illiterates unconcerned with the real issues because they are too consumed with the same selfish pleasures!

Niles

[enters with an eclair] Is this eclair spoken for?

Frasier

It's mine, put it back! [he does] Where will this all lead? The point is, if you're not willing to get involved then you have no right to grumble when things don't go your way.

Martin

Look at this. I've got two slips for not taking Eddie in the freight elevator. It's ridiculous, everybody uses the main elevator. Mrs. Tortwurst has her dog, Fluffy, in there all the time.

Frasier

[takes slip] Oh, that's it, I am running for condo board president. The time comes in every man's life when he must meet face to face with a challenge, rather than skitter away like a coward.

Martin

Well, I'm proud of you son, that's a way a Crane talks!

Daphne

Okay, Eddie, now.

Daphne

Good boy, Eddie. Now, go make dinner.

Daphne

It's just a little joke Eddie and I have been working on.

Frasier

Too bad, it explains so much. [looks at a no-no slip on the side] What is this? Another one?

Daphne

Oh, yes, it seems your father got it last night. I guess he's just refusing to take Eddie in the freight elevator. Of course, all of that will be different once you're elected.

Frasier

Yes, but we don't want to jinx it, Daphne. I must say, I think my chances are very good after this epistle I found this morning on my windshield. It's from the Resistance!

Daphne

[reads] "Dear Dr. Crane, we have polled the building. The election is yours, good work. Signed, Anonymous." But wouldn't this be more anonymous if it didn't say, "from the desk of Dr. William M. Dorfman"?

Frasier

Yes, well, now you see why they need me. With this lead aside, I still wish I had a punchier opening for this speech I wrote this morning. Well, I'm running out of time. Unless, yes... I think Ms. Langer may have given me the very ammunition I need for my opening salvo. We'll just see how the voters feel about a woman who tries to persecute a disabled ex-policeman and his loyal old dog.

Daphne

You know, it will be nice to live a building where anyone can hang whatever they damn well please on their door!

Frasier

Of course! [then] Well, pending my approval.

Martin

Is he gone?

Daphne

Well, yes. You're not avoiding him, are you?

Martin

Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, it's pretty embarrassing about getting caught last night in that hot tub and then the whole building's talking about it.

Daphne

Well, what happened?

Martin

You haven't heard?

Daphne

No.

Martin

Oh! Well... never mind!

Daphne

No, no, no, no, what?

Martin

Well, after dinner last night my hip was getting kinda stiff so I went down to the hot tub. Well, you know how it is when you kick up the jets and your trunks fill up like a hot air balloon.

Daphne

No, but go on.

Martin

Well, there was nobody about so I just slipped out of them and tossed them on the deck.

Daphne

You mean you were...?

Martin

Yeah, just floatin' free. So, I was sitting there minding my own business, you know, and letting the bubbles do their work and suddenly old lady Langer shows up. She sees my trunks and she writes me out a no-no slip right there and then.

Daphne

You mean the no-no slip was for being naked in the hot tub?

Martin

Yeah.

Daphne

Oh, I told Dr. Crane it was because you took Eddie in the elevator. Oh, dear, I've got to get down to that condo meeting.

Martin

Why?

Daphne

Well, I don't know what's going on down there but suddenly I have a very queasy feeling!

Martin

Just what Ms. Langer said when she tossed me my trunks.

Langer

So, you can vote for me - a person who has worked this past year to keep this building running smoothly - or you can turn the building over to a man who can scarcely keep his own family under control. Thank you.

Frasier

[stands] Hello, condo owners. I'm sorry my opponent has chosen to be vindictive about my family, but that is merely characteristic of her behaviour during her entire term in office. How else would one explain this? [brings out no-no slip] This citation my father received last night is a perfect example of the prejudice that this woman is capable of.

Langer

We are all aware of your father's behaviour last night. I'm surprised you're not too afraid to bring it up.

Frasier

Ashamed? Not at all! I defend his behaviour! So he had his little friend out where he shouldn't be. So what? He's been doing it for years!

Langer

You approve of his behaviour?

Frasier

Approve? I applaud it! Have you no compassion? My father is getting older, hasn't many pleasures left in life. I can't tell you the hours of joy that that little guy has brought him! And not just him. Who among us can't help but break into a smile upon seeing the little fella? Oh, I know, you know, sometimes it is irksome when his little Eddie appears at any inopportune moments, but...

Langer

He's named it Eddie?

Frasier

Well, "Eddie"'s, of course, not a name I might have chose. I might have gone with something a bit more - oh, I don't know, whimsical like, er, oh... Puck!

Frasier

You know, the clodsom sprite from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Don't look so shocked! Whom does it really harm if he unleashes Eddie once in a while? Come on, it's not as though he's alone in this beheviour. Mrs. Tortwurst, I've seen you do the same thing many times with your Fluffy. [she is shocked] You know, if you ask me, not only is this behaviour harmless, it's laudable. Why, you should see the looks on the faces of the schoolchildren when he takes Eddie out to the playground.

Frasier

On the other hand... we all need rules. [turns to Daphne] Go! Go! Go!

Frasier

Oh, and sorry about the knocker.