Death And The Dog

Frasier

Roz? None of these lights seem to be flashing.

Roz

Hey, what do you know, I got the same thing over here.

Frasier

Well, who's our first caller?

Roz

No-one.

Frasier

Well, how much time do we have?

Roz

None. [points]

Frasier

[on air:] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Well, I have some good news for you. As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks, it seems that all our lines are open. So please call in, no waiting. [nothing] Absolutely no waiting! Oh come on, somebody's marriage must be on the skids. Somebody's career must be going badly, [laughs] other than mine! Hey, how about all you agoraphobics, I know you're not outside! [notices light:] Oh, there's a call! I'll take it, I'll take it. [presses button:] Hello, I'm listening.

Alice

[v.o:] Hi Dr. Crane, my name is Alice and I'm usually a happy person but today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things. My job isn't that exciting, my kids don't call me... pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.

Frasier

Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help. Do you have some time?

Alice

Well, it's three 'o clock and I'm still in my bathrobe.

Frasier

Perfect! Well, it started three days ago. You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie. So, he had to take him to the vet...

Roz

So what's the doctor say?

Martin

He's stumped. I told him, he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.

Frasier

Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13-B.

Martin

He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically, he thinks it might be an emotional problem.

Daphne

You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs. Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?

Frasier

Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?"

Martin

Maybe Eddie's just lonely, you know, I was thinking maybe we could get another, er...

Frasier

Stop right there, Dad! We're not getting another dog.

Martin

Oh, come on, what could be more fun than having a little brother or sister around the house to play with?

Frasier

I fell for that trick once, Dad!

Martin

Well, I'm going to get this little guy home.

Daphne

All right, I'll see you at home. I'll pick up some beans before I go.

Roz

Wow. There's a guy over there checking me out. He's coming over here, get out. No, it's too late, just pretend you're not with me.

Kagen

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Dr. Kagen.

Kagen

I hope I'm not interrupting you?

Frasier

Oh, not at all. I don't even know who she is.

Roz

Frasier! [to Kagen] Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.

Kagen

Dr. Stephen Kagen.

Frasier

Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into my building about three months ago - from Chicago, I believe?

Kagen

Yes, that's right. I love what I've seen in Seattle but I'm still finding my way around.

Frasier

Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.

Kagen

Really? Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you could show me all the hotspots.

Frasier

[laughs] Oh, I think that can be arranged.

Roz

I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Here's my card. [hands it over]

Kagen

Great. I'll give you a call. Nice meeting you, Roz. Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Dr. Kagen.

Roz

[laughs] Thank you, Frasier! A gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything! [stares at him through window] So, what kind of doctor is he?

Frasier

A gynecologist.

Roz

[snaps around] That's not funny!

Frasier

What's the matter?

Roz

He really is? Oh God, I can't go out with a gynecologist! Do you know what they do all day?

Frasier

I have a general idea!

Daphne

[passes with beans] All right, I'll see you at home.

Roz

Hey, would you date a gynecologist?

Daphne

Oh God, no.

Roz

[to Frasier] See?

Daphne

I wouldn't even date a dentist. Hands in people's mouths all day! And after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not anxious to date a vet anytime soon!

Frasier

Oh, [chuckles] anyway, that's really more of a side trip. Getting back to our story - by the time I got home that day, alas, for Eddie was no better.

Martin

Hey look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot! Oh, he'll give you good eyesight, you'll have a lot of fun with this too!

Frasier

[enters and sees the scene:] Dad.

Martin

Yeah?

Frasier

What are you doing?

Martin

Oh, I ran out and bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie. I thought it just might cheer him up, you know? Hey Eddie, look at this. [shows him a cuddly hamburger:] Hamburger! Juicy, meaty. I bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't ya'? No? Well, then there's more for me. [pretending to be hamburger:] I sure hope you don't take a bite out of me at the side.

Martin

Did you ever see anything sadder than this?

Frasier

No, I can't say that I have.

Daphne

Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane. He said he was going to bring his dog over.

Martin

Oh, not that four-legged Maris!

Frasier

Dad, please. Don't call it that in front of him. He has no idea.

Martin

How could he not? It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris, aside from the fact that it eats now and then they're dead ringers!

Daphne

Hello.

Niles

Hello Daphne, hello all. I heard Eddie was down, and I thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila!

Martin

I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I've already tried it in the park with real dogs and it didn't work.

Niles

Well, you'll change your tune when you see my Girl turn on her charm. [to Girl] Go to Eddie. Go to Eddie. [nothing] Okay.

Niles

That's it. [nothing] Oh, oh, I can see her magic working already. Good girl.

Niles

Come back, Girl. Come back here this instant! [nothing] Okay. [prances after her]

Martin

Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.

Daphne

How would a nice old batch of Grammy Moon's sugar biscuits sound?

Frasier

Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're saying?

Martin

Hey, I read somewhere that dogs can understand up to four hundred words. Now, a super-smart dog like Eddie probably knows a thousand.

Frasier

Oh really, Dad!

Martin

Eddie understands a helluva lot more than you give him credit for.

Daphne

Yes. Why, just yesterday I said, "Eddie, I've lost my keys" [Eddie looks up] and he looked up at me...

Frasier

...anything other than the simple fact of his name or a grunt!

Niles

[enters without the dog:] Well, crisis has passed. She just needed a little rest. Fortunately I remembered to bring her sleep mask.

Martin

Worse, I'm afraid we're going to have bring in one of those dog psychiatrists.

Frasier

Dad, you can't be serious?

Martin

Well, I'm desperate, we've tried everything else.

Niles

A dog psychiatrist?

Frasier

Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism!

Niles

You simply cannot apply the principals of human psychology to animal behaviour.

Frasier

Precisely. Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human beings can reason.

Niles

Yes.

Frasier

They can cogitate.

Niles

Yes. Therefore human beings, through analytical psychotherapy, can...

Frasier

Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break. We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today. In order to help her through it I am relating a story from my own life. Any questions so far, Alice?

Alice

[v.o:] Well, I was wondering, what happened to Roz and the gynecologist?

Roz

Well, since Frasier did tell the most embarrassing part of the story, something kinda funny did happen...

Roz

[to Kagen:] Oh my God, you're kidding! You were at Camp Lakebridge too. What years were you there?

Frasier

[v.o:] Roz!

Frasier

Roz, we are trying to help this woman. We don't have time for your pointless tangents. [then:] Anyway, my father finally got his way and made his appointment for the dog psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire household be present for the first session.

Martin

What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now!

Frasier

Perhaps he's being detained by his fear of fetching group.

Martin

[waves cane:] All right now, you two cut it out!

Shaw

Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw.

Martin

Hi Doc, Marty Crane. Come on in, please. This is Daphne Moon.

Daphne

Hello.

Martin

And my sons, Frasier and Niles. [they greet him] And this, of course, is the patient.

Frasier

I don't suppose whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.

Shaw

Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in the company of colleagues.

Niles

I'm sorry, did you say "colleagues" or "Collies?"

Frasier

It's a joke.

Shaw

[simple:] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin? [to Eddie:] Hello Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.

Frasier

Give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!

Shaw

I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.

Frasier

I apologise, it all just seems a bit silly.

Shaw

Oh, really? Silly? I'll have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons MacFahrlen whose owners felt the same way.

Shaw

First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz-

Martin

Oooh!

Shaw

-I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if he were a human being.

Frasier

Oh, boy!

Daphne

[whisper to boys:] Shush, this is not a joke! This is very serious.

Shaw

If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?

Martin

I'd say meatloaf. But not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.

Niles

It might be a bit under done though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove!

Daphne

[pause] Poached salmon. I don't know why!

Shaw

Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?

Frasier

Well, I hope: Give me a breath mint! [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.

Shaw

What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favourite cologne?

Martin

Aqua Velva, it's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.

Daphne

[pause] Grey Flannel. I don't know why!

Frasier

Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!

Niles

By the way, same answer for favourite beverage!

Shaw

I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?

Shaw

The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say... [looks at the brothers] mission accomplished! Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me to examine Eddie one on one. Is there a room I can use?

Martin

Oh yeah, my room, second on the right.

Shaw

Eddie, after you. This may take a while.

Daphne

If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George. I don't know why! [exits]

Frasier

And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why!

Frasier

Okay, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in there for the past hour?

Martin

Well, he's probably just talking to him. Eddie happens to be very complex and interesting.

Frasier

Oh yes, you must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party.

Niles

Well, be prepared, he'll be up and down checking on that meatloaf!

Shaw

Well, I have my diagnosis.

Frasier

Finally: the white smoke!

Shaw

Eddie is indeed depressed. Now if, as you say, there has been no change in his routine, I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness. Is anyone of you suffering from depression?

Frasier

Not me.

Daphne

Well, I'm not depressed.

Martin

Me, neither.

Niles

[grins] I'm cheer personified.

Shaw

Well, he's picking it up somewhere. To be on the safe side you should all be conscious of how you behave when you're in front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy, tones. [to Eddie:] Goodbye, Eddie. Call me in a few days, let me know how he's doing.

Martin

[happy tone:] Okay, thanks for everything, doc!

Shaw

Sorry to rush off, but I have a four ? clock appointment at the zoo. There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile. [then] See, I can joke too!

Roz

Hold it!

Frasier

Oh my God, Roz, what's happened?

Roz

I want to kill myself!

Martin

[happily:] Hey Roz, not in front of Eddie!

Roz

What?

Daphne

[happily:] That gentleman that just left was a dog psychiatrist.

Martin

[happily:] He said that it would be a good idea if we all had a happy tone around Eddie.

Niles

[happily:] So please tell us, why do you want to kill yourself?

Roz

[happily:] Well, I went out with Dr. Kagen and everything was going so great that I almost forgot what he was.

Martin

[happily:] What is he?

Frasier

[happily:] A gynecologist.

Martin

[happily:] Oh, geez, I don't think I want to hear any more about this.

Frasier

All right, Roz, what happened?

Roz

Well, we went upstairs to his apartment and he poured a glass of wine, and well... do you know what a speculum is?

Frasier

Apparently he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.

Frasier

I just got the signal from Roz that we're running out of time. So, I'll skip ahead in our story.

Frasier

If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey! Who here has any reason to be unhappy?

Daphne

Well, mind you I would never say this if it weren't for Eddie's sake, [to Niles:] but comparatively speaking: Dr. Crane, you have the most to be depressed about, what with your separation from Mrs. Crane and all.

Niles

Wha..? I'm not unhappy. Besides, I don't even live here.

Daphne

Please, you're here more than I am.

Frasier

You know, I hate to say it, but dad, if anyone's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.

Martin

Me?

Frasier

Yes.

Martin

You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year. Not to mention two failed marriages.

Frasier

And yet you did. Well, maybe I am not entirely happy. Why should I be? My son lives across the country, there's no woman in my life. Maybe it is I that is making Eddie sad?

Daphne

Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame. If I give my life the once-over I realise it's not all jam. I just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years and the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no-one's even mentioned it.

Daphne

No, no.

Niles

Daphne, maybe you were right earlier. I'm not so happy.

Martin

Or maybe it's me. My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died.

Roz

Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about? I mean, I know it has nothing to do with Eddie, but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me?

Niles

He wouldn't be the first one... [then:] Oh, I'm too depressed!

Frasier

How loosely woven is the fabric of our unhappiness... a tug or two and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are.

Niles

And then there are the empty nights... accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death.

Martin

You think about that too? I thought it was just me.

Frasier

Everybody thinks about it.

Martin

Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?

Frasier

No, that's just you.

Roz

When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.

Daphne

You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing. That one day I'd go off my rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household and then kill myself. Silly old bag! She was right about my moving to Seattle, though.

Martin

Well, I don't know how I wanna go, but all those years around the police morgue taught me a few things. First off, you don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison. And if you're going to kill yourself with an axe, get it right the first time!

Frasier

Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when.

Roz

One second we're alive as anyone else, and then what?

Frasier

Darkness, nothingness, afterlife?

Niles

I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me. [carried away:] Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!

Martin

Well, I don't know about you but this is depressing the hell out of me. Remember, my bell's coming up sooner than you guys!

Niles

No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up.

Roz

And it's never long enough. My great grandmother was 92 years old when she died and the last words to me from her deathbed were, "it's so short." Of course, it was the seventies, she could have been talking about my skirt.

Frasier

"I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker."

Niles

T.S Eliot.

Frasier

Dead.

Niles

"Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death."

Frasier

Plato.

Niles

Even deader.

Frasier

You know, perhaps Doctor Shaw was right. Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression.

Frasier

Simple beast! It is here beneath the masks of happiness we all wear.

Frasier

The sea that lurks below affected by our sorrows. The once care-free doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever.

Martin

Well, look at him, he's happy again. Could that have been all it was, he was missing his favourite doll?

Frasier

I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all. He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he?

Niles

Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie. I've never been so depressed.

Roz

Tell me about it!

Daphne

Yeah, I wish I was a dog. All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again.

Frasier

I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne. We know for whom the bell tolls!

Martin

[apprehensive] Anybody else hear that?

Daphne

Oh, the biscuits!

Frasier

Daphne, by "biscuits" do you mean cookies?

Daphne

Yeah, that's right!

Martin

Smells good.

Niles

Fresh from the oven...

Roz

All nice and warm...

Daphne

Yes, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping!

Frasier

Oh, and I believe there's ice cream too!

Frasier

So Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends - treat yourself to your favourite toy, whatever that might be.

Alice

I'll do that right now. Thank you, Dr. Crane, I really do feel better.

Frasier

This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie!

Frasier

Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Now I've got to go to the dentist, he'll tell me I haven't flossed, my lips are going to get all fat - oh, my life sucks!