Four For The Seesaw

Frasier

Well, listeners, flu season is upon us again. As is customary, KACL is offering its employees and their families free flu shots. Now, in order to show the importance of getting a flu shot, I am going to put aside my lifelong fear of needles and be inoculated right here over the air when we come back.

Martin

We've been sitting out here half an hour, I've got places to go.

Frasier

Well, Dr. Claman is on his way, dad.

Roz

[enters booth] Frasier, are you afraid of needles?

Frasier

Oh, not really, no. I just say that to encourage people that really are.

Roz

Well, they can use the help. You know, those needles they use are about this long [uses finger to show great length] and if it hits a nerve when it's going into the muscle... [Frasier squirms]

Daphne

Shots are perfectly harmless. You've got nothing to worry about. Well, sure, you hear the occasional story about somebody getting an air bubble in their vein or the needle getting stuck in a bone and the tip breaking off - but that's the exception.

Martin

Oh, that's it! We're out of here.

Daphne

Well, what about my flu shot? I always get a flu shot!

Martin

Well, you're not getting a flu shot today, you told me you'd drop me off at McGinty's. Now, I told Duke I'd meet him at five 'o clock sharp and he'd pounce if I were not there on time. He sits there with his bottom lip stuck out and eats all of the Brazil nuts out of the bowl because he knows I like them! So, come on, let's go.

Frasier

Nice to know that men in bars still settle their disputes the old fashioned way, isn't it?

Claman

Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Oh, Dr. Claman.

Claman

Sorry I'm late. My last patient was a bleeder.

Frasier

[worried] Oh...

Roz

Fifteen seconds.

Frasier

Where are my manners? [to Roz] Perhaps you should be inoculated first.

Roz

I already had my shot. [seductively to Claman] But I could sure use a checkup! [to Frasier] You're on.

Frasier

[presses button] All right, folks, we're back. Em, joining us for this last minute of our show is Dr. Morris Claman who's going to give me my flu shot. Uh, but, you know, what's the rush? Perhaps we'd be interested in finding out what strains of flu you've isolated this year.

Claman

Primarily Singaporian and Guatemalan, would you roll up your sleeve, please.

Frasier

And how do you suppose they travelled here?

Claman

No idea. Roll up your sleeve.

Frasier

[rolling sleeve] Could it have been a careless tourist? A baggage handler? A tainted wok?

Roz

Dr. Crane, we're almost out of time. You do want to get that shot, don't you?

Frasier

[no, no] Yes, yes.

Claman

Right, first I'm just gonna swab the area with a little alcohol and then I'm going to give you the shot. [swabs it] There, that's done.

Frasier

Really? Well, that didn't hurt at all. The newly immunised Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off.

Claman

No, no, no, that was just the alcohol. This is the needle.

Niles

Well, you're late. All the tables are taken.

Roz

No, uh-er, there's one right there. Dibs on that table.

Frasier

Roz, Niles was here first.

Roz

No, but I'm meeting someone. Please, guys?

Niles

Oh, who is it? Another one of your till-dawn-do-us-part relationships?

Roz

No, twerp! It's a guy who I think really has a chance. I can sense a lot of chemistry between us.

Frasier

Dear God! When did you two even get out of my sight?!

Roz

You blanked out for thirty seconds after he gave you the shot!

Niles

No-one is budging, we're going to be here forever.

Frasier

Well, Niles, I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.

Niles

Oh, good Lord, we can't sit with strange women.

Frasier

Why not? We married strange women! [they laugh]

Niles

But really, I'm not in the mood.

Frasier

You know, just try to relax. It'll do you good to do something spontaneous for a change.

Niles

I just... I just... I wouldn't know what to say. And besides, I'm a married man.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris?

Frasier

Hello, ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens us?

Laura

Oh, please do!

Frasier

Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. [sits beside Laura] I'm Frasier and... [looks at Niles dusting his chair] and this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles. [Niles sits]

Laura

I'm Laura, and this is Beth.

Frasier

So... what do you two ladies do?

Beth

Er, you don't want to hear about it.

Niles

Well, why don't we?

Laura

It's just boring - to guys, anyway.

Beth

Yeah, their eyes just glaze over when the subject comes up.

Frasier

Oh, come on, come on. We're not your average bozos off the street. Why don't you try us?

Laura

[resigned] We design kitchens.

Frasier

On the contrary! I am always ready to debate the merits of downdraft cook tops and ceramic tile backsplashes.

Laura

Whoa! Whose little boy are you?

Niles

Yes, and just the mention of a double-bowl stainless steel sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a sub-zero freezer!

Frasier

You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.

Beth

Well, that's a whole current trend - a living room feel in the kitchen.

Niles

Except of course with our father, who favours a kitchen feel in the living room!

Beth

That's funny! You're very witty. [bats her eyes at him]

Niles

[embarrassed] Thank you.

Frasier

Oh look, Niles, a table has opened up. [starts to get up]

Laura

Oh, no, no, don't! Stay.

Beth

Yeah, this is fun.

Frasier

Well, yes, it is fun, isn't it, Niles?

Niles

Well, I told you it would be.

Frasier

Well, I'll go get us some coffees.

Niles

You know I, I...

Niles

I'll help.

Frasier

I knew you'd panic!

Niles

Well, I'm sorry, this is still a little new for me. And besides, those two are coming on to us.

Frasier

You know, they are very attractive, Niles.

Niles

I know!

Frasier

Maybe we should ask them out?

Niles

On a date? We just met!

Frasier

Good point, Niles! Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date!

Niles

I just mean it seems a little rash.

Frasier

Well, that's exactly why we should do it. [picks up coffees] We're being spontaneous today. Come on.

Niles

Well, I am enjoying this... er, all right, I'll do it. Oh, oh, wait. We're making an assumption here.

Frasier

Hmm?

Niles

We could both we interested in the same woman.

Frasier

Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that.

Niles

All right, I'll declare. I'm interested in Beth.

Frasier

Good! Good, we really dodged the bullet there. [pause] Which one's Beth?

Niles

Oh, it's this one here.

Frasier

Great!

Frasier

Here we are.

Laura

Oh, Frasier, what a great apartment.

Frasier

Well, it's just a little something I threw together. You know, an objet here, an antique there.

Beth

[notices Martin's chair] And there's the chair. Wow, he wasn't kidding!

Martin

[enters] Oh, hi.

Frasier

Dad.

Niles

Dad, meet Beth Armstrong and Laura Paris.

Martin

Please, have a seat, sit down. [they do] So, you've been out on a double date, huh?

Beth

Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.

Martin

Oh, what did you see?

Laura

"The Man Who Came To Dinner." It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.

Martin

Oh, comedy?

Frasier

[enters with brandy on tray] I used to think so!

Martin

Well, Mr. Smart Alec, as a matter of fact, I was just about to do a favour for you. Sherry and I can't make it to the mountains this weekend and the cabin's already paid for, so I thought maybe you'd like to use it.

Frasier

Well, thank you, dad, but Laura and I have plans to go to the symphony.

Martin

Oh, how about you, Niles?

Niles

Oh, Beth and I are attending an art opening.

Martin

Well, if you hear of anybody. Nice meeting you, ladies. I'm really glad the boys brought you over. And it's been a long time since I said that and meant it!

Niles

Well, dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.

Frasier

Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.

Laura

[suggestive] I think your taste is fabulous. [pause] I'm referring to the brandy, of course.

Frasier

[looking into his glass] Hmm, velvety texture, great body... I'm not. [Laura smiles at him]

Niles

Well, in honour of what happened today - a toast to winging it! What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown path, not quite sure where it will lead, just enjoying the way that path winds, and what it looks like, and where it goes off to... er.....

Frasier

Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before you started down that toast!

Laura

You know, Frasier, I'd hate to see you miss a weekend in the country just to take me to the symphony, we can go next week.

Frasier

Maybe that... I have a thought. In the spirit of spontaneity that has carried us this far - why don't we postpone our plans are all go to the cabin together this weekend?

Laura

I'd love that.

Beth

Sounds like fun.

Frasier

Well, then, it's settled. Saturday morning we ride the high country!

Niles

Say, you two have been here five minutes and you haven't seen Frasier's kitchen yet.

Frasier

There's really nothing special about it.

Niles

Let's let the professionals judge that.

Laura

I am kind of curious to take a peek.

Niles

Well, peek away.

Niles

And some day when you speak of his faux granite countertops - and you will - be kind.

Beth

[stops to look at him] You are SO funny.

Frasier

What's going on?!

Niles

Well, things are going rather fast. ust going out this evening was a big step, but something that involves packing a suitcase, and given my situation, I can't...

Frasier

Niles! When you are going to stop letting Maris be an anchor on your social life?

Niles

Oh, surely that is the most tortured metaphor you've ever come up with! Maris, an anchor?!

Frasier

Even if she's lightweight... For God's sake, oh would you just stop it, you're changing the subject! This afternoon, for the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman that you don't even know has agreed to go away with you on a weekend. Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've always dreamed of?

Niles

Yes.

Frasier

And if you pass it up, won't you regret it?

Niles

[more energetic] Yes.

Frasier

Well then, for once in your timid, risk-free life, don't you think it's time you grabbed that brass ring?

Laura

Great kitchen, Frasier! You guys feel like firing up the cappuccino maker?

Niles

[with gusto] Yes! [pause] Of course, if I have that much caffine at this hour, it'll probably make me... [Frasier hits him] YES!!!

Frasier

Ah, here we are.

Laura

Oh, this place is perfect.

Beth

Don't you just love this air? Oh, I am going to sleep like a baby.

Laura

Me too.

Frasier

I hope you don't mind roughing it. There's no radio or television.

Laura

I guess we'll just have to make our own entertainment!

Beth

We should be able to manage that. Come on, let's go look around outside.

Niles

We'll start the fire and we'll be right out.

Beth

Okay.

Frasier

Well, I think things are going rather well, don't you?

Niles

Yes they are, and thank you for twisting my arm.

Frasier

You feel like a new man, don't you?

Niles

I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one! [they laugh] Ah, you know, I just wish I were sure that Beth and I were on the same page. It's been so long, I've forgotten how to read all the signals.

Frasier

Well Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the phrase, "Make our own entertainment"!

Niles

[naughty chuckle] No-o!

Frasier

Then again, there was that other statement about sleeping like a baby.

Niles

Exactly! They could be thinking platonic. The two of them in one room, sleeping like babies.

Frasier

The two of us in another, crying like babies.

Niles

Well, we're all adults, I suppose we could just ask them what they have in mind.

Frasier

That's the worst thing we could do! What if they're not interested? They'll be embarrassed and it'll ruin the entire weekend.

Niles

Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.

Frasier

You've done this before!

Niles

Only on my honeymoon, now hurry!

Frasier

Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.

Niles

Yes, and finally it's paying off!

Laura

Oh, Frasier, this place is heaven.

Beth

Why don't we open up a bottle of wine and watch the sunset?

Niles

You know, the sun won't be setting for a little while yet. Just think how much more we'll enjoy it if we got all our unpacking done first!

Beth

That can wait.

Laura

Er, by the way, Beth and I were talking, and I don't know what you guys have in mind for tonight and sorry if this sounds kind of forward, but we would like to avoid an awkward, uncomfortable situation by getting this out in the open right now.

Laura

When we go out to dinner tonight, it's on us.

Frasier

[let down] Well, that's awfully nice of you. Speaking of awkwardness... er, did you know....

Niles

Look at that sunset!

Frasier

Are you as crazed by this as I am?

Niles

It's driving me out of my mind.

Frasier

Oh, all right! I'm going to settle this once and for all. Now, just follow my lead.

Frasier

Yes, now that is lovely, isn't it?

Niles

Yes, it is magnificent.

Martin

Not feeling so hot, huh?

Martin

What did the doctor say?

Daphne

He says I've got... Oh, what was that medical term he used? Oh, I remember; flu!

Martin

I'm really sorry I didn't let you get that flu shot. Is there anything at all that I can do for you?

Daphne

Well, when I was a little girl and got sick, Grammy Moon used to read me to sleep. It's a great comfort.

Martin

Oh. [picks up book] Is this what you're reading?

Daphne

Yeah.

Martin

"The Rose And The Rapier"?!

Daphne

Well, if you're not in the mood... [sneezes, coughs violently and then sprays a breath freshener into her mouth] You don't have to.

Martin

No, no, I'll do it.

Daphne

The bookmark's where I left off.

Martin

All right. Okay. [reads] "With a gasp of dismay, she ran to him, her amethyst eyes wide with alarm. 'You fool,' she hissed, 'Suppose someone saw you. The Duke's men are everywhere'." [looks up] Hey, this isn't so bad.

Daphne

I told you.

Martin

[reads] "'You fool,' she whispered again, 'You sweet, brave, wonderful fool. I should have died had you not found my bedchamber.'" [suddenly embarrassed] Oh, Geez! [reads] "Then she was in his arms and all her qualms forgotten as she... [shifts in chair] ...tore his tunic asunder and thrust her eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest."

Martin

[reads] "The next morning..."

Daphne

You left out a section!

Martin

Okay, okay! [goes back, reads] "As his brazen fingers peeled the silken fabric from her heaving... [coughs the word "bosum" out as he turns red] ...he beheld her quivering alabaster mounds. [takes a huge gulp of his beer to wet his suddenly dry throat] At that moment she felt the proof of his rampant passion... [he sweeps his forehead of sweat] against her milky thighs. His almost God-like beauty was marred only...

Martin

...by the fact that he was..." [closes book] cross-eyed, three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings!

Laura

Is there anything more relaxing than just lazing by the fire with a good glass of wine?

Beth

Nothing I know of.

Niles

You two must be relaxed. Sitting there so calmly when there is still all that unpacking to do.

Beth

Oh Niles, we didn't bring that much.

Laura

Yeah, we didn't think we'd need too many clothes this weekend!

Laura

Well, I hate to break things up but I'm getting a little sleepy, so I'm going to get ready for bed.

Beth

Yeah, it is getting kinda late. [to Frasier, re: wine glass] Are you finished with that?

Frasier

Niles, this is tearing me apart!

Niles

These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!

Frasier

Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!

Beth

[crossing the room] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?

Niles

[not realising] Curse these infernal riddles!

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

[realises] So she really said what I thought she said?

Frasier

Yes, go!

Niles

Suitcase! Suitcase!

Niles

There you are.

Frasier

Sleep well.

Niles

Oh, you too.

Frasier

Niles, what are you doing?

Niles

Oh, never mind. [into phone] Yes, is Mrs. Crane there? Yes, I'll hold.

Frasier

What is this, some sort of weird, kinky foreplay?!

Niles

I'm starting to feel guilty about this.

Frasier

Now?!

Niles

I'm sorry, I just need to clarify the ground rules of Maris's and my separation.

Frasier

Oh, fine, fine. I think you might look back on this one day as your darkest hour. But, do what you want to.

Niles

[into phone] Yes, Maris. Er, it occurred to me, we never laid out the rules about our dating other people and what we could and couldn't do.

Beth

[o.s.] Niles, what are you doing?

Niles

[covers phone] Coming. [into phone] I, er, well, here's the thing: I know that we're allowed to see other people. Em, my question is, how much of them are we allowed to see?

Niles

[reeling slightly, holds up a finger, whispering:] Be with you in a second. [she smiles and goes back in; into phone] I'm sorry, what? Oh, really? Well, that's wonderful, that's all I needed to know. Thank you.

Frasier

Yes?

Niles

You were wrong. Maris says she doesn't mind at all.

Frasier

Ah! Well then, off you go!

Niles

Let the revels begin!

Frasier

What?!

Niles

Why doesn't Maris mind at all?

Laura

[o.s] What's going on?

Frasier

Er, nothing, just a second, it's Niles. I'll be a moment. [then, to Niles] Why do you care?

Niles

Well, because she could have taken a lover herself and this is her way of alleviating her guilt.

Frasier

Okay, Niles, so what do you want to do? Do you want to stew over that all night - let her have all the fun?

Niles

Well, no, of course not.

Frasier

Well, then - [with somewhat less oomph] Off you go!

Beth

[o.s] Niles!

Niles

Er, momentito.

Niles

Hello? Yes, Maris. Oh, I see, but... all right.

Frasier

Yes!!

Laura

[o.s] Frasier!

Frasier

I'll just be a second.

Niles

She changed her mind, she doesn't want me to go through with this. Do you realise what's happening here?

Frasier

Yes! Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life! Give me that!

Niles

Could I... What are you doing?

Niles

[shocked] What are you doing? What if she's changed her mind again, how I am supposed to know what to think?

Frasier

I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend is not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time! For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death?!

Frasier

Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! [Laura crosses her arms] For tonight they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!

Laura

Think again!

Niles

Do you remember which snow bank you threw my phone into?

Frasier

Oh, I think I could hit it again! [seizes him by the shirt]

Niles

Frasier! Frasier! Frasier!