To Kill A Talking Bird
Aired 25th February 1997 · Written by Jeffrey Richman · Directed by David Lee
Daphne
Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
Martin
[looks] Where? [spots it] Oh! Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you? [She slings him a large roll of duct tape] Thanks.
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, don't you look smart.
Frasier
Well, I don't feel smart. I let Roz set me up another one of her blind dates.
Daphne
Who's the lucky woman?
Frasier
Oh, a friend from her aerobics class. Oh, perhaps it won't be so bad. She's thirty-two, has a terrific body, and apparently thinks I'm God's gift to broadcasting.
Martin
Well, at least you have one thing in common.
Frasier
Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? [doorbell] My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go!
Martin
[sits back down] You know, I keep having this dream where you say the same words. Only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier
Dad, that will never happen.
Martin
Thank you.
Frasier
I have medical power of attorney, it won't cost me a thing.
Niles
Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...
Martin
Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.
Niles
I have some wonderful news. I just signed a lease for an apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.
Frasier
You don't mean?
Niles
I do. As of next week, I'll be a resident of... [holds out his lease] the Montana.
Frasier
Niles, why would you want to live in such a stodgy building? When I applied there they treated me as if I was riff-raff.
Niles
Well, if you're going to answer your own questions, what do you need me for? The best part is, I'll never have to give my address again. From now on, I'll simply be, "Dr. Niles Crane, The Montana."
Daphne
That's a lovely building. I've only been there once, applying for a job.
Niles
I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.
Daphne
I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Well, goodnight!
Martin
Hey, Frasier, you don't...
Frasier
Oh, just relax, dad. It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
Martin
What if she isn't?
Frasier
Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.
Niles
Gosh, that's uncanny, dad.
Martin
What is?
Niles
The way she's taken with you. She's absolutely mesmerized.
Martin
She is not.
Niles
Oh, she is. She's just playing hard to get. [pushes Girl toward Martin] Go to Grampa. Isn't she warm and cuddly? [Martin reluctantly takes her on his lap] Oh, I see I'm going to have a tough time tearing you two apart!
Frasier
You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here. The Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles
On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin
Well, then you're in luck, because I don't know what the hell this thing is!
Frasier
There is no way that dog is moving in here with us!
Niles
Oh please, at least if she's here I'll be able to come and visit her. I cannot turn her over to strangers. [whispering confidentially] She worships me.
Frasier
Oh pul-eeze, you must realise that dog has no genuine affection for you. [Niles looks confused] You only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris!
Niles
That is the most absurd psychobabble I have ever heard.
Frasier
She is highly strung, cold to the touch and ignores you. My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chanel suit, whatcha got?
Niles
I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
Frasier
Oh, is it really? Do you remember that little pilbox hat that Maris wore to the the Duchamps' wedding?
Niles
Absolutely.
Roz
Hi, Frasier. So how did it go with Rita last night?
Frasier
She didn't quite take to me.
Roz
Oh, you're just being hard on yourself like you always are.
Frasier
You tell me. Over appetizers, she suddenly remembered that she had a very early morning meeting, so she suggested we skip the jazz club after dinner.
Roz
People have meetings.
Frasier
Mmm-hmm. When the waiter suggested a soufflé for desert that would take an extra thirty minutes she said, "Oh Dear God, no!"
Roz
She was probably on a diet.
Frasier
After I dropped her off at home, I noticed she had left her suede jacked in my car. I called to offer to swing it by and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it."
Roz
What did you do to her?
Frasier
Nothing! God Roz, I have had it. In the past six months I have done everything a man can possibly do to meet a woman. Singles bars, blind dates, lecture series at the museum. I've even spent hours in the grocery store trying to look helpless in the produce department! That's it. I'm taking myself off the market. Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.
Roz
You know, Frasier...
Frasier
Roz, Roz, please. I know what you're going to say. I should climb back on that horse, I'm too great a catch to give up now.
Roz
No, I think you should give up.
Frasier
[startled:] What? I don't really want to give up. I don't really want to give up, I was just saying that to get your sympathy.
Roz
It happens sometimes. When you get into a really bad streak, you start to get desperate. Women can smell it.
Frasier
Smell it?
Roz
Mmm-hmm. As soon as the man begins to get overeager - you know, like complimenting you too much, or laughing too hard at all your jokes - you just want to turn and run!
Frasier
I don't do that!
Roz
Oh honey, wake up and smell... well yourself! You just have to air it out a little bit. And in my experience, the minute you stop looking, the perfect person falls right in your lap.
Frasier
Well Roz, as much as I appreciate you comparing me to a dead squirrel in a heating duct, I think you're wrong.
Christine
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hey.
Christine
I got those pictures you were looking for. Hey, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Hey, you look really lovely today, Christine. It is Christine, isn't it?
Christine
That's what it says on my driver's license.
Frasier
[laughs hard] Very charming. [Roz and Christine leave] Oh God, I reek, don't I?
Niles
...inlay of Philippine mahogany. And we conclude our little tour back here in the living room.
Daphne
It's very posh. [doorbell]
Martin
Niles, why a bed in the living room?
Niles
That's not a bed, dad. It's an antique fainting couch.
Daphne
My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then, didn't they!
Niles
Ah, I'm glad you made it.
Frasier
You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles
Oh, that's because he knows you.
Frasier
Oh, fan of my show?
Niles
No, he lives in your building.
Martin
So Niles, what did you do about the dog?
Niles
Oh, I found a wonderful family to adopt her.
Daphne
Well, I'm sure it won't take you long to adjust to being alone again.
Niles
Well, actually I won't have to. Follow me, there's someone I'd like you to meet. It was love at first sight! She's very exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue! [exits to the kitchen]
Martin
Wow, I'm getting nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!
Niles
Everybody, meet Baby.
Baby
I love you.
Frasier
You bought a bird?
Niles
Well, I started to think how quiet it would be around here, and she is lovely and she is so affectionate.
Baby
I love you.
Niles
Ah! She says that all the time. I love you too, baby.
Baby
I love you, grandma.
Niles
She's still in transition from her last owner.
Niles
Ow, ow! Let go of my shoulder! You don't like that noise, do you, baby? Go to your food. [she does] Oh, good girl. Excuse me.
Daphne
Oh you know, I've always been fascinated by these birds that can actually learn how to talk.
Martin
[walks to Baby] Aw, they can't talk. They just a drill a few words into them at the pet shop and they never learn anything else after that.
Frasier
It is attractive, though.
Martin
Yeah well, that's the way they are: Cute but stupid.
Baby
Cute but stupid!
Frasier
You know Daphne, I think we should leave these two alone. I sense a real battle of wits shaping up.
Niles
Well, I'm off to an auspicious start in the building. One of my neighbours got my mail by mistake. Look at those bills, what must she think of me?
Frasier
But Niles, everyone gets bills.
Niles
Not at the Montana. They all have people. Their bills go to their people. I want them to think I have people too. I used to have people... only they were Maris's people.
Frasier
Niles, if you keep this up you won't even have the people who don't care you don't have people.
Niles
Well, it just shows how essential it is to make a good impression when moving into a new building, which is why I'm throwing a dinner party Friday night for a few select residents. I'll show them such a good time there'll be no question that I belong here.
Frasier
Am I invited?
Niles
Yes you are, but I'm afraid you can't bring a date. You know how I hate a crowded table.
Frasier
It's alright. I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I'm afraid I was getting a bit desperate.
Niles
Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.
Martin
Niles, you gotta see this, your bird's eating peanut butter! It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!
Niles
Dad!
Niles
Frasier, would you get that? And pretend you're my people.
Stephanie
Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for Dr. Crane. I found some more of his mail.
Frasier
Well, I'm a Dr. Crane. I'm Niles's brother.
Stephanie
Oh my gosh, you're Frasier Crane from the radio, aren't you? Oh, I love your show.
Frasier
Thank you.
Stephanie
Oh, Stephanie Garret.
Frasier
[shakes hands] Stephanie.
Stephanie
You know, em, you are not going to believe this but when I was a freshman at Harvard, I saw you perform the pirate king in a production of "Pirates Of Penzance."
Frasier
Oh my God.
Stephanie
No, no, you were great. You were so good, I brought my husband back to see you the next night. Well, he wasn't my husband then. Well, actually he's not my husband now.
Frasier
Glad to hear that. No, glad to hear you came for a second time, not that you have an ex-husband. You know, I have one too. Not a husband, ex-wife. I mean a woman... is it getting hot in here?
Stephanie
Yeah, a bit! [flustered laugh] Well, it was nice to meet you.
Frasier
Wait, you know, Niles is having a little party on Friday for some of his enchanting new neighbors. [Niles appears listening in] Is there any chance you could join us?
Stephanie
Yes, I think I could, if Niles has room.
Niles
[faked:] The more the merrier!
Stephanie
I'll look forward to it. [leaves]
Frasier
As will I.
Frasier
Roz was right! As soon as I stop looking for the perfect woman, she falls right in my lap!
Niles
Well, I hope you'll be comfortable with that arrangement, because that's where she'll be seated Friday night!
Niles
Bon Appetite, Bon Appetite. Now, you try it, Baby. Bon Appetite.
Baby
Bon Appetite.
Niles
What a quick little study you are. Bird-brained indeed! You already know more French than my father.
Niles
Ow! Boy, if you don't get used to that doorbell we're going to have to give you a serious manicure. [sounds again and she digs in] Ow! I'm coming, I'm coming, stop ringing!
Frasier
Oh, good evening, Niles. Or should I say, "avast ye, matey!"
Niles
I don't have time for your badinage, I'm only just putting out my place cards.
Frasier
[picks up card] Place cards, how elegant. Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Niles
He's on your right. He's an investment banker from Amsterdam, and apparently he handles a lot of Bill Gates's money. So don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Frasier
Oh, damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95. [looks] Stephanie's over here, I'm not sitting next to her.
Niles
I know, you see, Peter's bringing a date so I thought it would be better... [spots Frasier re-arranging:] What are youdoing?
Frasier
Putting Stephanie next to me!
Niles
And throwing off my whole seating arrangement?
Frasier
Niles, surely you realise I've spent a long time looking for a woman like Stephanie.
Niles
Yeah.
Frasier
Now, listen. I'm afraid if you want to impress these people you've got to get a little more atmosphere here in the room. You know, I'll light the fire while you dim the lights a bit.
Niles
[runs to lights] Oh, that's a good idea. By the way, be careful with that fireplace, it can be a bit...
Niles
Holding on a bit tight there, Baby, aren't you? Go to your perch. Go to your perch. [Baby doesn't move] Frasier, this bird's holding onto my scalp. [tries to move her but she won't budge] I can't pull it off.
Frasier
Niles, after that jaunty beret you wore to brunch last Sunday, you can pull anything off.
Niles
Get the lighter. Put fire near my head. Fire will frighten her off. Try that.
Frasier
Oh here, the phone.
Frasier
Niles, call for help!
Niles
And who do you suggest we call, a Fez rental? Go on, Baby, go to your perch. [panicking:] Go to your food, go to your bed!
Frasier
Niles, don't panic! Try to stay calm.
Niles
How can I stay calm? I have six dinner guests arriving in exactly...
Niles
Ah, ow!
Frasier
You go call the vet and I'll go and take care of things out here.
Frasier
Oh, hello.
Stephanie
Hello.
Frasier
Please come in.
Stephanie
[looking around] I'm not early, am I?
Frasier
No, not at all. May I get you a drink?
Stephanie
Ah, yes. White wine, please. [they head to the wine desk where Frasier pours] What a lovely table! [points to dining area]
Frasier
Yes, I notice we happen to be sitting next to one another.
Stephanie
Good, now I won't have to change the place cards around.
Frasier
Well, [lifts glass] to the girl next door.
Stephanie
Well, actually it's a little further down the hall.
Frasier
Well, if you need a ride home tonight don't hesitate to ask.
Stephanie
What was that?
Frasier
Oh, I'm afraid Niles probably burned himself on something. Don't worry, he'll be fine.
Frasier
Hello, please do come in. I'm Frasier Crane, Niles's brother.
Carol
I'm Carol Larkin, my husband Alfred, this is our niece, Wella.
Frasier
Nice to meet you. Please make yourself comfortable, I'm just going to run into the kitchen and check on the bird.
Niles
[on phone:] Uh-huh, uh-huh, so you've seen this thing before. I see. Alright, well, thank you.
Frasier
What did he say?
Niles
Well, he thinks she was traumatized by the fire and she had a shock. He said we shouldn't try to force her off, we need to relax her.
Frasier
Fine, you take care of that, I've got the future Mrs. Crane out there in the other room.
Niles
Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, how am I supposed to relax this bird?
Frasier
I don't know. Oh, try delivering that keynote you gave at the psychiatric association last spring.
Frasier
Everything alright out here?
Alfred
Will Dr. Crane be joining us soon?
Frasier
Oh yes, I believe so, any minute now.
Carol
Oh dear, something wrong?
Frasier
I keep telling him, get yourself a decent oven mitt, but you know...
Frasier
Hello, please come in. I'm Frasier, Niles's brother.
Peter
Peter Soutendeck, nice to meet you. This is Elanie Hensley.
Elaine
Actually your brother and I are well acquainted. Maris is a dear, dear friend of mine.
Frasier
Really?
Elaine
Yes, [looks] so where is he?
Frasier
He's in the kitchen, savoring for you tonight a lovely pheasant.
Frasier
As you know, he's a stickler for freshness!
Frasier
Oh, what now?
Niles
I'm trying to pretend like it's night so it'll fall asleep.
Frasier
Well, you look very cute.
Baby
Cute but stupid!
Frasier
Listen Niles, I really can't stall them any longer, they're starting to ask questions. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Niles
What? What's her name?
Frasier
Elaine somebody.
Niles
Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Frasier
I don't know, she's very thin, she's exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Niles
Oh, like that narrows it down!
Niles
Damn! I was afraid of that, it's the bad Elaine, Maris's oldest friend. Nothing would delight her more than to report back to Maris that I threw a soiree with a cockatoo on my head!
Baby
Bon Appetite!
Elaine
What was that?
Frasier
[entering with crab puffs and covering up:] Bon Appetite! Crab puff, anyone? Bon Appetite!
Frasier
At which point, the woman said to Churchill, "Sir, if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." To which Churchill sorely replied, "Madame, if you were my wife I'd drink it!" [laughs on his own] Perhaps you've heard that story.
Alfred
Yes, from Churchill.
Frasier
Well, can I freshen anyone's drink?
Frasier
Perhaps I'll just bring the bottle around.
Stephanie
I didn't realise that you were going to play host all night. I mean, we've hardly had a chance to talk, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to make it an early night. Yes, I'm leaving to Paris first thing in the morning and I was really hoping that we could spend some time alone.
Frasier
And so we shall. As of this moment, it's just the two of us, you'll get my complete attention.. [sees Elaine walking to kitchen and he runs to block her] ...just after this. Oh Elaine, would you like a fill up?
Elaine
Well actually I was seeing what Niles is up to in there, perhaps I can be of some help.
Frasier
Well, you know you could pour the wine...
Frasier
You are totally ruining my chances with Stephanie!
Niles
[sarcastic:] Yes, that was my first concern too. Toss. [Frasier begins tossing salad] You can't abandon me just because you're hoping she is just as horny as you are.
Frasier
The first thing you've got to do is go to the vet and have that thing removed!
Niles
Oh, are you mad? I can't walk through there with this thing on my head, I'd be the laughingstock of the Montana.
Frasier
You can't spend the night in the kitchen!
Niles
Frasier, these people live for gossip. I've only been here three days and I already know that Peter's a letch and Carol's a lush. What do think they'd say about me?
Frasier
You know, I've spent the last forty-five minutes with these people. I think they are kind and understanding, I think they'll be very sympathetic with your problem.
Niles
Really?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
You don't think they'll laugh at me?
Frasier
No, I don't. And furthermore, if you stay in here they'll think you're rude, bad-mannered, and - dare I say it - a bad host.
Niles
Fine, I'll go out there. But if they ridicule me, let it be on your head! Open the door.
Frasier
Everyone? Excuse me, Niles has had a little mishap, he will have to go to the doctor. It's nothing serious, he just has to have something removed. Niles!
Frasier
You see, his bird suffered a kind of trauma and has attached itself to the scalp and we just...
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, this isn't necessary. Good evening, everyone, I'm terribly sorry for all this.
Elaine
[sympathetic:] Oh Niles, you mean all this time you've been hiding in there because of your bird? Oh, you poor thing.
Peter
You know, the same thing happened to my mother once, only with her cat. Now that was a sight!
Carol
Who hasn't had an embarrassing moment at a party? [drunk, she spills wine all over her and laughs] Look, I just spilled wine on my dress!
Niles
This is such a relief. I must say, I feel a bit silly for staying in there for so long.
Alfred
Are you in any pain?
Niles
No, no. As long as no-one rings the doorbell I'm fine.
Frasier
Well, you know, you seem to relaxing a bit, maybe the bird will relax. Shall we give this another minute or two, everyone? [everyone agrees]
Niles
Alright then, who needs more wine? [he begins to pour still with the bird on his head] Alfred, white for you. And would anyone like some cheese or a cracker?
Baby
Squawk.
Niles
No, no, Baby, guests first! Oh Carol, that dress is absolutely smashing!
Carol
Why, thank you.
Baby
Carol's a lush.
Carol
Did the bird just say something?
Wella
It sounded like it said...
Baby
Carol's a lush.
Alfred
Where would a bird learn a phrase like that?
Niles
Birds today! You don't know where they pick these things up! Well, shall we all join Peter at the table?
Baby
Peter's a letch.
Peter
What did that say?
Niles
I said, "let's all sit down."
Baby
Peter's a letch.
Peter
Is this your idea of a joke?
Alfred
I've had quite enough of this. [they begin to leave]
Niles
Hang on Carol, don't go, I did not teach the bird these phrases, I don't know where she picked them up.
Frasier
Please, you'll stay won't you, Stephanie?
Baby
Stephanie's horny!
Stephanie
[agape] Oh my God, is that what you've been saying about me behind my back?!
Frasier
No, no, I never said that about you, I said that about me! I'm the horny one, all I said was you were very cute.
Baby
Cute but stupid!
Stephanie
[sarcastic:] Well, thank you both for a wonderful evening! Good evening!
Frasier
Stephanie, please let me explain.
Niles
[follows her to the door] I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we are going to be neighbours, so...
Frasier
Well... thank you very much!
Niles
Oh please, I lost far more than you did!
Frasier
Really? That was one of the most promising romantic prospects I've had in years! What have you lost? The respect of a parched lush and a Dutch letch! Thanks for learning that, Baby!
Niles
Alright, I apologize.
Frasier
Thank you. I suppose I could drive you to the vet now. Maybe we should take the service elevator?
Niles
Oh, what's the point? I don't think my reputation can suffer anymore than it already has.
Frasier
I wouldn't be so sure about that. Wearing a white bird after Labor day!