Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein Are Dead

Niles

Oh, did I mention? Two of my "Fear of Commitment" group have announced they're getting married.

Frasier

Oh, congratulations.

Niles

Thank you. There's a downside though - they're New Age types - the wedding's to be held in the woods.

Frasier

So?

Niles

I need a date. You know how the women in my crowd tend to droop outdoors.

Frasier

Yes, well Niles, there are all sorts of different women in the world. Perhaps if you tiptoed beyond the fringes of your precious circle, cast a wider net..

Niles

Frasier? That woman by the side of the road, spearing trash!

Frasier

Not that wide.

Niles

No, no. It's Roz!

Frasier

My God, it is! (he stops beside her)

Niles

If she realizes we've recognised her, she'll be utterly humiliated. (shouts) OH, ROZ!?

Roz

Oh my God! You're not seeing me! Go away!

Frasier

Roz! What on earth are you doing here?

Roz

Just let me in.

Niles

Wait, I'll spread papers (does so, all over the back seat)

Frasier

Oh, yes. Thank you, Niles. (to Roz) All right.

Roz

Okay, let's go.

Frasier

What? What do you mean, "Let's go"? I can't do that, I don't even know why you're here.

Roz

About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty-mile- an-hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service. So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up roadkills...

Frasier

Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature, you're beautifying our highways...

Roz

Frasier, I found an ear!

Frasier

Are there no other services you could have performed?

Roz

The only other option was visiting old people in a retirement home.

Frasier

And you chose this?

Niles

Well, think about it. Walking the streets, picking up trash; You can see how Roz would go with the familiar. (this earns him a clip round the head from Roz)

Roz

Old people just make me uncomfortable.

Frasier

Roz, have you considered that your discomfort around the elderly may stem from your own fear of growing old?

Roz

(sarcastically) Wow! D'you think? (sees something) Oh my god!

Frasier

What?

Roz

It's my supervisor. Hit the gas.

Frasier

I can't. It might be illegal.

Roz

(putting trash spear to Niles's head) Move, or your brother gets it!

Frasier

Absolutely not!

Roz

(shifts aim) All right, the headrest.

Frasier

Off we go.

Frasier

Oh, well dad. Doing your exercises. Very good.

Daphne

(to Martin, as he raises his knee) There you go! Congratulations, Mr Crane! You finally got your knee past your ribcage.

Martin

Oh, it's no big deal.

Frasier

Well, it's more than Lilith could accomplish after five years of marriage.

Daphne

You know, it's so gratifying seeing your father make these little improvements. It's days like this I'm glad that I took this position.

Niles

(watching Daphne from behind, as she is bent over) We're all glad you took this position.

Frasier

Well, you know Daphne, I must say there are some times I envy you. Here you go, Niles.

Frasier

You know, I'm just saying it's always gratifying to see some reward for your efforts. Lately, that's something I've been lacking in my own work.

Niles

How so?

Frasier

Oh, well you know, back in private practice I could spend months, even years with a patient, see the fruits of my labour. Now, somebody calls in, I give my advice, and never know how things work out. I simply release my humble words into the airwaves and then they're gone forever, vanished.

Niles

So like my Tiffany cufflinks. (at Frasier's stare) I'd hoped to wear them to my new age wedding, they've disappeared.

Frasier

So you know my pain! Well, I'm not really dissatisfied, it's just that... well, Daphne, you know, you get to see your progress with dad; Niles, you have the upcoming marriage of your commitment phobics...

Martin

Oh, c'mon, you help people all the time. You helped me just the other day.

Frasier

How?

Martin

Well, I was worried because Eddie had lost his appetite, and remember what you said?

Frasier

If I remember rightly, I said, "Well, why don't you give him some of my truffle foie gras?"

Martin

Right.

Frasier

I was being funny.

Martin

...Oh. (covering) Well, yeah. Well, I knew that. Ha-ha. That just cheered me right up. C'mon, Eddie!

Frasier

Excuse me, Bulldog?

Bulldog

What's up, doc? (breaks into giggles)

Frasier

Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.

Bulldog

You know what? I'd dump her.

Frasier

That's a little extreme, don't you think?

Bulldog

No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers, phutt. You know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude. Oh, oh - doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault. (re: chocolate) Want a bite?

Frasier

Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant.

Frasier

Hello, Seattle. Good afternoon, this is Dr Frasier Crane. You know, today we're going to do things just a little bit different. For the past four years now I've been taking your calls and giving advice, and I was thinking, perhaps our listeners are wondering how things have turned out. I know I do. So today I invite those of you who've called in in the past to give us a holler, and we can catch up on how things have worked out for you. All our lines are open...

Frasier

Come on. Come on, you know the number. (board lights up) Ah, there we are. (opens line) Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane. How did I help you?

Chet

(v.o.) Hello, Dr Crane, this is Chet from Whitby Island. I gave you a call last year? I was having problems with low self-esteem.

Frasier

Ah, ah, I see. And did my advice help you to become more assertive?

Chet

Damn straight. And now people say I'm downright arrogant. Well, you know what I say? Screw 'em!

Frasier

Well, perhaps you took my advice just a bit too far.

Chet

Who the hell are you? Screw you too! (line goes dead)

Frasier

Well, as I give myself a well-deserved pat on the back, and Chet marches off to invade Poland, (Roz finally walks in) let's just go to commercial. (off air) Well Roz, glad you could join us.

Roz

You're lucky I made it at all. I took your advice, went down to that retirement home to finish off my community service..

Frasier

Ooh, lot better than spearing trash, isn't it?

Roz

You tell me. I started playing checkers with this old man, Mr. Krantz? Well, things got a little competitive and he made a really bad move and I said, "You're a dead man!"

Frasier

Oh, dear. I think I see where this story is headed.

Roz

A minute later, he's lying sprawled across the board, pieces are everywhere, the whole place is screaming... when I pulled him up he still had a checker stuck to his forehead.

Frasier

Roz, I am so sorry. I, I can see how you could be very traumatised by this... (on air) Hi, we're back. That was a very catchy commercial, wasn't it? Let's get back to it. (off air) Roz, listen. You can't be too upset about this. Now given the circumstances, his age and his surroundings, surely this thing was sort of expected.

Roz

Not with this guy. The whole reason I liked him was he was so youthful and robust. (Bulldog enters) You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!

Bulldog

Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?

Frasier

Bulldog...

Bulldog

No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.

Frasier

Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.

Bulldog

Oh, well.... when I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that... hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential! (leaves)

Roz

Well, guess it's back to scraping up roadkills.

Frasier

Roz, Roz, surely you realise what happened today at the retirement home was an aberration.

Roz

Well, maybe so, but I wasn't comfortable being around old people to begin with and this certainly hasn't helped matters.

Frasier

Now Roz, listen. If you're ever going to conquer your fear of aging you've got to get back down there and spend some time with these people. You'll learn that they're really vital human beings.

Roz

Well, I'm still not convinced.

Frasier

All right then, think of it this way: there's been a lot of fog on the interstate lately and the caribou are migrating.

Roz

"As the train whistle screamed, and we started out of the station, I lowered the window and said: 'I'll be back.' But somehow I knew I would never see her or Paris again. The end." That was a pretty good book, wasn't it Mr Gouldenstein? (pats his hand) Mr Gouldenstein, you're feeling a little cold. Can I make you a nice hot cup of... (realises) OH MY GOD!!

Martin

Come on boy, you can do it.

Martin

Hey-hey, Fras. Look at that, he's dancin'. He's practically doing a polka.

Frasier

Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.

Daphne

(opening the door to Niles) Hello.

Niles

Hello, Daphne.

Martin

Back from the big wedding in the woods, huh?

Daphne

Yes, and don't you look nice. Except, what's this sticky stuff all over your shoulder here?

Frasier

Did you finally find a date?

Niles

I asked Maris.

Daphne

(examining goo) Sap.

Frasier

I think Daphne speaks for us all. Just how the hell did this happen?

Niles

Well, I was desperate for a date, and I, I knew Maris would be lonely this time of year. It's cruise season, she never partakes. She has an absolute terror of buffets.

Frasier

Oh, yes. Legendary smorgaphobia.

Martin

So how did it go? Or should I say, how big a scene did she make?

Niles

Actually she did quite well. She willingly joined in the ceremonial chanting. When the shaman invited those so inclined to embrace their favourite tree, Maris said the only tree she was willing to embrace was her family tree. Everyone laughed. Well, I laughed. Then it happened. They called for a group hug.

Frasier

Oh, dear.

Niles

Last time I saw her, she was racing towards her Mercedes, emitting a high-pitched shriek that caused the wedding doves to attack one another. (the doorbell bing-bongs) Let me see if I can't find something to remove this sap.(goes to bedroom)

Roz

Another one died.

Frasier

What? What happened?

Martin

What's she talkin' about?

Frasier

Oh. Dad, Roz has been doing some community service down at a retirement home. Apparently, for the second time this week one of her charges has died.

Martin

Oh.

Roz

They're calling me "The Angel Of Death" now.

Frasier

Well as you know, this isn't your fault.

Roz

Maybe it is. I've never been good with plants or animals. Everything's always died on me.

Frasier

You have a cat. (at Roz's look he realises) Oh. I'm so sorry.

Daphne

Roz, death is an occupational hazard of working with older people. Trust me. I've lost more patients than I'd like to count.

Martin

You've never said anything about that to me.

Daphne

Didn't I? (to Roz) Anyway, you just sit there, and I'll go make you a nice cup of tea. (heads towards kitchen, followed by Martin)

Martin

Hey, wait. How many patients did you lose?

Daphne

Well, I don't know. I used to keep a tally in my diary, but it made me a bit sad.

Martin

Was it more than five? (they go into kitchen)

Frasier

Now listen, Roz. There's no way that you can feel guilty about this. I mean, those men were going to die anyway. If anything, you gave them some much-welcomed companionship in their final moments.

Roz

It just seems so unfair. (Niles returns at this point) One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy - ten seconds later, it's over.

Niles

For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment? (Goes to kitchen) End Of Act One. Act Two.

Roz

Look, I appreciate you coming down here with me, but I don't think I can make it.

Frasier

Roz, we have discussed this. This is going to be your breakthrough day.

Roz

They hate me here!

Frasier

You're just overreacting. There is no way they think you're the Angel of Death.

Roz

I'm leaving.

Frasier

No. Roz, this is not like you. The Roz I know is not a quitter, she's a fighter.

Roz

I just can't help thinking it's going to happen again. They always die in threes.

Frasier

Oh come, that's just celebrities. C'mon.

Roz

Hi. I'm Roz.

Moira

I'm Moira. Come in.

Roz

How you feeling today?

Moira

Fine.

Roz

Really? Do you feel okay?

Moira

Yes. Now do me a favour and hand me those cigarettes.

Roz

You know, these things do come with a warning.

Moira

So do you, darling. I let you in.

Frasier

(to passing residents) Good afternoon. How do you do?

Norman

(o.s.) Is that Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Yes.

Norman

Dr. Frasier Crane?

Frasier

(going into room) Yes. Have we met?

Norman

No, but I thought that was you. I recognised your voice from the radio. I listen to your programme all the time. Norman Webster.

Frasier

(shaking hands) Well ah, it's my pleasure.

Norman

Are you here visiting somebody?

Frasier

Oh no. I'm just here with a friend of mine, Roz. She's here doing some community service.

Norman

Ah, the Angel of Death, nice girl. Y'know, I remember one day I was listening to your programme, and ah, it was right after my wife died and I was going through kind of a rough patch. You told this guy who was going through the same thing that he should keep pictures of his wife around to help with the transition. That was a good idea.

Frasier

So you started keeping pictures of her?

Norman

That wouldn't make much sense now, would it?

Frasier

Well, no. Well, what did you do?

Norman

Well, I remembered when we were dating, Helen made this life mask of herself for art class, and I had my daughter dig through the attic, and lo and behold, (picks up porcelain mask) she found it. This is the way she looked when we met. Isn't she beautiful?

Frasier

Oh yes.

Norman

So you were right. Every night, before I fall asleep, I run my fingers over Helen's beautiful face, and it takes me back to all those wonderful years we had together. It made a world of difference. (carefully places mask on table) I want to thank you. You really helped me.

Frasier

You've no idea how nice it is to hear that.

Norman

Would you excuse me? It's time for me to take one of my many pills. Make yourself at home. (goes into bathroom)

Frasier

Thank you.

Norman

(from bathroom) What was that?

Frasier

Nothing! Nothing, ahh, I just knocked your ashtray over.

Norman

(re-entering room) I hope it wasn't damaged. My grandson made that for me at summer camp.

Frasier

Oh no, it's intact. Not the tiniest chip.

Norman

Set it back on the table. You know how attached you get to family things. Do you have children, Dr Crane?

Frasier

(on his knees, looking for the missing nose) Yes.

Norman

Dr Crane, are you on the floor?

Frasier

I was just ah, tying my shoelace. Yes, yes I have a son. I'd much rather hear about your family. (searches under bed)

Norman

Well, I have four sons and one daughter. You wouldn't happen to be single now by any chance, Dr Crane?

Frasier

(resurfacing long enough to say) As a matter of fact, I am.

Norman

So's my daughter. I'll tell you about her first. She's a sweet thing. Beautiful, too. Just like her mother. (Frasier finds the missing piece, gets up) Same cheekbones, same nose.

Frasier

(looks at the nose in his hand) What a lovely nose it is.

Moira

So there are four of us in the raft, and I see we're heading into a patch of white water. Suddenly, we slam into a rock, and the next thing I know my teeth are flying into the Colorado River. I damn near dived in after them. Those teeth cost more than the whole trip.

Roz

You've had quite a life.

Moira

I suppose. Never got arrested, though. Good for you.

Roz

It wasn't so great. Y'know, it was the first time I ever got pulled over and couldn't flirt my way past it.

Moira

Oh, that's almost as bad as the first time somebody calls you "Ma'am."

Roz

That happened the other day. It's been kind of a rough week.

Moira

I bet I know just what you're thinking: this is only the beginning. It's only gonna get worse from here.

Roz

Well, yeah.

Moira

I'm eighty-one now. And every morning, I open my eyes and I see the sun streaming through the window. I hear the birds chirping, I smell the coffee brewing down the hall, and I walk into the bathroom and I look into the mirror. And do you know what I say to myself?

Roz

(almost mesmerised) What?

Moira

AARGHHH!

Roz

(shocked) What the hell is that?!

Moira

That's the second thing I say! The point is, it is only gonna get worse from where you are right now. Well, what did you want me to say? "Life gets better with every passing year?" You want to hear that, you go talk to Mrs. Adleman. You can't miss her. She's the one in the TV room with the inflatable seahorse around her waist.

Roz

Well you're not making me feel any better, Moira.

Moira

It's 'coz I can't. Nobody likes to get older. But it doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself. I'll tell you a funny story. Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule. So now, I get all my sponge-baths from Eduardo.

Roz

You're kidding me.

Moira

Look, you're way too young to be concerned about all this. Don't waste the best years of your life worrying about something you can't control.

Roz

I know. I know you're right. Y'know, I wouldn't care about getting older if I thought my mind was gonna be as sharp as yours is.

Moira

I'll tell you a funny story. Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule. And now, I get all my sponge-baths from Eduardo.

Norman

With the exception of not being able to watch Willie Mays steal second, or Michael Jordan on a breakaway dunk, not a whole lot I feel I missed out on.

Frasier

(looking through a chest of drawers, quietly) Uh-huh. Ah, listen, you got any glue around here?

Norman

I don't think so. Why?

Frasier

Ah, the onyx has popped out of my cufflink and ahh, I was just hoping I might be able to re-affix it.

Norman

The closest thing I have is denture adhesive, it's on the dresser.

Frasier

Oh good, good. It's worth a try. (starts putting adhesive on the mask)

Norman

These pills may keep me alive, but they sure don't keep me awake. You find it? (goes over to bed)

Frasier

Yes. Yes, you know I think this just might do the trick.

Norman

You know, the worst part about all this is that I used to be the kind of person that never got tired.

Frasier

(trying to get Norman to stand) You know, perhaps we should take a brisk walk. Get that old circulation going!

Norman

No, that's okay. It's close to my bedtime anyway.

Frasier

Seems like you have a visitor, Norman.

Norman

(without getting up) Come in... Come in... Probably Mrs. Adleman. She was an Avon lady before she lost her mind.

Frasier

You know, my goodness, that is a smashing robe. You know, I'm in the market for one like it myself. Why don't you stand up, maybe I can read the label.

Norman

(bending over) Come over here and have a look. I seem to be sitting on something. (stands up)

Frasier

Ooh! My cufflink! (grabs the nose and re-affixes it) All right, you know, I'll just ahh, place it back in here carefully and... a-ha. Well, there we go. Good as new. Yes well ah, Norman, I can't tell you what a nice time it's been spending the day with you.

Norman

It was nice of you to drop by.

Frasier

(going to the bedtable to put mask back) My pleasure.

Norman

Oh, you're over there?

Frasier

Oh yeah, I was just having one last look at Helen.

Norman

Isn't she beautiful? Such delicate features.

Frasier

(with feeling) They certainly are. Well Norman, it was a real pleasure. I hope you keep listening to my show.

Norman

I sure will. You're a good man. Not a lot of people left with your kind of integrity.

Frasier

Norman, ah... I have a little confession to make. I didn't... I didn't drop your ashtray, I dropped the mask. The nose broke off. I feel just terrible.

Norman

Well, that's why you needed my denture adhesive?

Frasier

Yes.

Norman

Usually, it works pretty well. I must have dropped that mask ten times... I am blind, you know.

Frasier

Well, certainly is a relief to hear that. Well you know, I better get out of here before I do any further damage. It was great meeting you. (goes to leave) Would you like me to leave the light on or off?

Norman

Surprise me.