The Unnatural
Aired 1st April 1997 · Written by Michael Kaplan · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
[into phone] My eight year-old son is visiting me this weekend, he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex, I was wondering what's your policy on... [pause] I'm sorry to hear that. [pause] You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you? [pause] I'm sorry to hear that. Well, erm, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace... [pause] It's a radio station! Forget it! [hangs up]
Roz
If we'd even been close, that would be one thing, but I beat that pack by a mile! A mile!
Bulldog
Calm down, slugger, it's all right.
Roz
A mile!
Frasier
I take it you lost the game.
Bulldog
No, we won the game, but Roz got kicked out for arguing with the ump! She kicked dirt on his shoes, chest-butted him, almost took a bite out of his finger when he stuck it in her face. You can't coach that kind of thing.
Roz
All right, the guy on second, one guy's out, I drive one to the gap. The throw-the-cop man is late, our guy stays at home and I try to stretch it to a double. I make a beautiful hook slide right into the tag. How can I be out?!
Frasier
I'm still trying to understand why you drove to the Gap in the middle of the game!
Bulldog
I gotta go work on the line-up for Saturday's game. You know, I love being in charge.
Roz
Oh, can I play second base?
Bulldog
Er, no, sorry, Liz Budner's playing second.
Roz
Liz Budner?! Why? What can she do that I can't?
Bulldog
It's what she will do that you won't!
Frasier
Oh, Roz, erm, listen, didn't you used to date some executive at Microsoft?
Roz
Oh, [in horror] Scott Blankman! Ugh, talk about your messy break-ups. Even after I dumped the guy, he kept calling me. At first he'd make excuses - "Oh sorry, I hit the wrong button on my speed dial" - and then he just gave up the pretense and there'd be sobbing on the other end of the line! I finally said, "Scott, I never, ever want to talk to you again!" Why do you ask?
Frasier
I'd like you to give him a call.
Roz
What?!
Frasier
Well, Frederick's coming to visit me this week. The only thing he asked for was a tour of Microsoft, and I sort of already, well, promised that I could arrange it for him.
Roz
Frasier, you're asking me to call a man who camped outside my apartment building and held a big sign up that said, "Roz Doyle is afraid to love!"
Frasier
I understand. I thought you'd be more sympathetic, that's all.
Roz
I can't.
Frasier
I do recall a story you told me not long ago, about a young girl living in Wisconsin who wanted desperately for her mother to drive her to Chicago to see Bobby Sherman open a shopping mall. [Roz realizes] But her mother was just too busy. And so what did that little girl do that night? She cried herself to sleep on her little Bobby Sherman pillow.
Roz
[picks up phone, to Frasier:] I hate you!
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Good morning, Frasier. Is Frederick up yet?
Frasier
Actually he went out with his grandfather for an early morning walk.
Niles
I went through some of my old albums this morning and found a few photos of us when we were Frederick's age.
Frasier
Oh, Lord.
Niles
I thought he might find them amusing.
Niles
Oh here, there we are, all dressed up for our first cub scout hike!
Frasier
And the last!
Niles
Yes, well, we didn't exactly endear ourselves to the pack. All the other kids had those knapsacks, we showed up with those monogrammed train cases.
Frasier
[looking at photo] Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?
Niles
Oh, you've forgotten. That Halloween we went as "The Bay of Pigs."
Frasier
Ah! Yes, as I recall nobody got it. We finally had to take to telling that we were "Swine Lake." They didn't get that either. That was a long evening.
Niles
So, what do you have in store for Frederick this visit?
Frasier
Well, we're going to go whale-watching, to the planetarium and Roz is helping me arrange a tour of Microsoft. It's the one thing that Freddie's specifically requested.
Niles
Someone's making a run for "Dad of the Year."
Frasier
Yes, well, you know how it is. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like. Memories of this trip will have to last until the next one. Can you blame me for wanting it to be perfect?
Freddie
Hi, Dad.
Frasier
Oh, hello, Freddie.
Freddie
Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
Frasier
No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a S.W.A.T. team.
Martin
They got there later!
Freddie
Hello, Uncle Niles.
Niles
Hello, Frederick. My, aren't you getting big.
Freddie
I'm the same exact size I was the last time you saw me.
Niles
Well, your mother's cooking will do that for a growing boy!
Freddie
Are we going to Microsoft today?
Frasier
Well, actually, Freddie, I thought we'd, er, go by the radio station, I could show you where I work. That'll be fun, won't it?
Freddie
Yes. When are we going to Microsoft?
Frasier
Well... Saturday.
Freddie
Excellent.
Daphne
Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Good morning, Daphne.
Freddie
[smitten] Hi, Daphne.
Daphne
Hello, Frederick.
Martin
Hey, Freddie, tell your dad what you saw in the park today.
Freddie
[smitten] Hi, Daphne.
Daphne
Frederick's my boyfriend.
Niles
[covers jealousy with a laugh] Oh, really?
Freddie
I've a present for you, wait here.
Martin
How cute, he's got a crush on you.
Frasier
Yes, you should have seen him last night. He spent the entire evening sitting on Daphne's lap watching TV.
Niles
[laughs a little to cover jealousy] Really?
Daphne
And this morning I heard this soft little knocking at my door and it was Frederick asking if he could climb into bed with me.
Niles
[jealous] Really?
Freddie
This is for you.
Daphne
Oh, isn't this lovely? Look, here's Frederick and here I am. And what are we doing?
Freddie
Getting married.
Niles
[spite] Really?! [slams photos down onto table]
Daphne
Well, come on, Frederick. Let's go hang this on the fridge.
Freddie
Okay.
Niles
Frasier, do you really think it's healthy for a little boy to be so obsessed with a woman he can't possibly have?!
Frasier
Niles, have you actually sunk so low as to be jealous of him?
Niles
No, I'm not jealous, I'm just a bit, well... maybe envious.
Martin
That's ridiculous! What have you got to be envious of?
Daphne
[o.s] Hold on!
Freddie
Wheeeee!
Frasier
And this is the booth where it all happens.
Freddie
Very impressive!
Frasier
Well, this is the talk-back button here, if I want to talk to Roz, and this is the cough button if I want to mute the mike. Oh, and this button here's very special. It sends a death ray shooting from the phone of any caller who annoys me.
Freddie
You wish.
Frasier
Yes, I do.
Frasier
Well, okay, Roz, what have we done to ourselves today?
Roz
Well, we went out last night to celebrate our big win. I had a few margaritas. Someone started a conga line, I wasn't going to get in it but then Gary, our shortstop, got on the end of the line and that man has a butt that makes you want to reach out with both hands and... [Frasier spins Frederick round to face Roz] Give Freddie a big Seattle hug!
Freddie
[hugs her, then:] Good save, Roz.
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
Freddie, I don't believe you've met Bulldog.
Bulldog
Hey, kid.
Freddie
Why are you called Bulldog?
Bulldog
Er, people have just always called me that.
Freddie
But why?
Bulldog
I don't know...
Frasier
Well, all right, Bulldog, er, Roz and I have a show to prepare...
Bulldog
[interrupts] No, no, wait a minute, this is important. Why do people call me Bulldog? There has to be a reason. [a woman enters to pick up some papers, Bulldog barks at her and she runs out] This is gonna drive me nuts!
Roz
So who's going to sub for me in the game on Saturday, we've got to have a ninth body out there or we forfeit.
Bulldog
All right, er.... How about Mindy Guffrey?
Roz
Eight months pregnant.
Bulldog
[worried, counts:] July, August, September, October, November, December, January... [smiles relieved]
Roz
Anyway, you'd better find somebody else and speaking of bad news, Frasier, I finally got a call from Scott Blancman...
Frasier
Oh, Roz... Freddie, why don't you talk to Bulldog for a minute, I have to discuss something with Roz.
Freddie
Okay.
Bulldog
Yeah, no problem.
Bulldog
Oh, hey, hey, in a little while, I'm going to bring in my cart. You can hit the gong.
Freddie
Why?
Bulldog
It's loud, I make a lot of loud noises on my show.
Freddie
Why?
Bulldog
I don't know. Boy, I'm starting to get a headache.
Freddie
If you need a softball player, why don't you use my dad?
Bulldog
Oh, yeah, right. [laughs]
Freddie
Isn't he good?
Bulldog
[realises, acts] Oh, yeah, yeah, he's great, he is the best, you know. I wish he could play but I think your dad's busy Saturday.
Freddie
He's taking me to Microsoft.
Bulldog
Yep, yeah, right. Oh, man, I wish he could play because if he were playing we'd win for sure.
Roz
I'm sorry, Frasier, that's all I can do. Scott quit Microsoft right after we broke up.
Frasier
I don't look forward to telling Frederick. He'll be so disappointed.
Roz
Well, you know, if you want the tour of a seminary, I've got an in there now.
Bulldog
I don't know, I give up.
Freddie
Abraham Lincoln! What school did you go to?!
Frasier
Frederick.
Freddie
Dad, I don't want to go to Microsoft anymore.
Frasier
You... don't?
Bulldog
Oh, hey, yes he does. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, what kind of boy wouldn't want to spend a day at Microsoft?
Frasier
Stay out of this. [pause] Freddie... Frederick, you know, this is your vacation, you're the boss. Whatever you say goes.
Freddie
Great, I want to see you play in the softball team.
Frasier
What?!
Freddie
You could take Roz's place.
Frasier
Well, I... You know, as much as I'd love to play softball, I really don't think that Bulldog wants me to.
Freddie
Yes, he does. He said you were the best. Right?
Bulldog
[through gritted teeth] That's what I said.
Frasier
Well, thank you, Bulldog.
Freddie
So, you'll play?
Frasier
Well, I don't see how I can refuse.
Freddie
Great, I can't wait to tell Daphne.
Frasier
Oh, yes, well, speaking of Daphne. While you're waiting for Daphne, why don't you go out, get yourself a candy bar out of the machine.
Freddie
Mommy says candy rots tooth enamel.
Frasier
Yes, well, chew on the side of your mouth, rot your baby teeth.
Frasier
Bulldog, what the hell do you think you're doing, telling him I'm a good softball player?
Bulldog
Hey, I was trying to be nice. You want me to tell him you're a big lame-o?
Frasier
No, I don't.
Bulldog
Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier
Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog
No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!" [pause] Hey, I just got that! [laughs and exits]
Frasier
I just keep thinking back to that time when Dad made us try Little League. I will never forget the humiliation of getting up to bat for the first time in my life and hearing the other team all cry out, "Move in, everybody. Crane's up!"
Niles
Yes, but they moved right back out again after you took your first swing.
Frasier
Only because the bat flew out of my hands!
Niles
You worry too much, your co-workers aren't expecting you to play brilliantly.
Frasier
Oh, I can live with playing badly in front of my co-workers, it's Frederick I'm worried about. He's still at that age where he thinks his father can do anything.
Niles
Every child at some point must discover that his father is not a superhero.
Frasier
I know.
Niles
It's a healthy part of the developmental process.
Frasier
I know, I know some day he's going to have to learn that I'm not perfect, it's just that I was hoping it might be something less humiliating like seeing me fast dance at a family wedding.
Niles
You consider that less humiliating?
Frasier
Well...
Daphne
Hello, look who's here.
Frasier
Ah, did you two have fun while I was at work?
Freddie
[smitten with Daphne] Yes.
Daphne
Oh, yes, we went to the amusement park, we had a lovely time. Only I think the ferris wheel scared him a bit; he spent the whole ride hugging me for dear life.
Niles
[well... maybe envious] Really?
Freddie
Her hair smells like strawberries.
Niles
It smells like peach blossoms, lavender and vanilla!
Niles
[covers] From over here at least. [Daphne laughs]
Freddie
Uncle Niles, are you coming to watch my dad play in the softball team? He's the best one on the team.
Niles
Well, of course I am, Freddie. I'll be there sitting right between you and Daphne.
Daphne
[oblivious] Oh, come on, Frederick, let's go get some hot chocolate.
Freddie
OK. [they go to the counter]
Frasier
So you see the problem?
Niles
[looking onto Freddie at the counter] I certainly do!
Frasier
No, that's your problem. The trouble is that I promised Frederick I would play on Saturday. I guess I'm left with only one choice.
Niles
You're gonna fake an injury?
Frasier
No, of course not, I'm going to learn how to play softball.
Niles
In two days?
Frasier
Well, back in college, when Stu Oberfelt got sick, I learnt the role of Mercutio in just a day and a half. I was brilliant. Fighting in the duelling scene, the audience was on the edge of their seats.
Niles
Yes, and they were under them when the sword flew out of your hand!
Frasier
Gee, Dad, I want to thank you for helping me out with this.
Martin
Ah, don't mention it, we're going to whip you right into shape!
Frasier
It must have been kinda disappointing for you, I never took any interest in this sort of thing as a kid.
Martin
No, I understood.
Frasier
I guess it's a little complex I must have developed. When I was growing up, you know, the doorbell'd ring, I'd run to answer it and then there'd be the neighbourhood kids with their baseball gloves and their bats looking for somebody else to join their game. They'd say, "Hey, can your Dad come out and play?"
Martin
[laughs] Well, never mind that. You know, it's kind of fun to finally be out here.
Frasier
[laughs] Oh, at the risk of sounding like Stanley courting Blanche DuBois in "Streetcar...", "We've had this date with each other from the very beginning."
Martin
I knew you'd ruin it!
Frasier
I'm sorry.
Martin
Come on, put your helmet on.
Frasier
[tries to] Dad, gee, it's kinda tight.
Martin
Yeah, well, it's supposed too. Stops you from getting hurt.
Martin
There you go, now. Get your bat, get into the stands just like I told you. I'm gonna turn the machine on. You know, the good thing about these balls is that they're all at the same level so you can work on your form and your timing, all right? Okay, now here we go.
Frasier
What is that, a pitching machine or a particle accelerator?!
Martin
All right, all right, I'll crank it down to a lower setting. [does so] Okay, now, just remember; Left elbow in, right elbow up, knees in, all your weight on the balls of your feet, okay, now, just step into the pitch.
Martin
Now.
Martin
Oh yeah, and swing the bat.
Frasier
Dad, can't you just slow it down a little bit?
Martin
All right, all right, but if any of the other fathers come back here, I'm taking it off the pee-wee setting. Okay, all right, now, from the hips. Nice an' easy, don't try to kill it, just try to make contact, okay, are you ready?
Frasier
Ready.
Frasier
What are they looking at? Dad, they're looking at me!
Martin
[to men] Get out of here! Go on, buzz off!
Frasier
Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I touched it that time, I did!
Martin
No, I think that was my knee cracking! Hey, you're doing a lot better, though. That's six in a row without hitting yourself in your kidney on your follow-through.
Frasier
Oh, who am I kidding? This is hopeless!
Martin
[steps inside] Oh, well you tried anyway. Why don't we just try changing bats?
Frasier
Oh, Dad, please, I couldn't hit that ball if I had a sofa cushion!
Martin
All right, okay, Softball's not your game. It's no big deal, now Freddie'll understand that.
Frasier
Oh, I suppose. In time he well, it's just that...
Frasier
...no boy ever forgets the first time he finds that his dad isn't perfect. It's not what I want him to take away with him on his trip. Anyway, thanks for your help.
Martin
Oh, don't mention it. So, Frasier, em, [laughs] what was it for you?
Frasier
Huh?
Martin
Well, you know, em, when you first found out that I was less than perfect?
Frasier
I don't know.
Martin
I thought you said a kid never forgets the first time.
Frasier
Well... Maybe it was no one time.
Martin
Oh, so, it's a lot of times?
Frasier
Well, no, I'm just not very comfortable talking about it right now.
Martin
Why? You're not going to hurt my feelings, I'm just curious.
Frasier
All right, all right. Back in third grade, you took me and some of the boys from the Math Club out to pizza. When the check came, you couldn't figure out the tip in your head.
Martin
I can't do math in my head, that's your big disappointment?!
Frasier
Well, it was at the time!
Martin
Well, I wonder if I can calculate in my head how many hits you got today? Let me think, er... oh, it's zero!
Frasier
Fine! Fine, Dad, get defensive! I was eight years old.
Martin
Hey, that's the one shaped like a snowman, right?!
Frasier
I'm sorry I even brought it up.
Martin
All right.
Frasier
I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, sit Frederick down on Saturday before the game and tell him the truth. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to but I should prepare him for the fact that his daddy's not going to be hitting any grand slams on Saturday. [pause] Or am I? Wait, a grand slam is...
Martin
You aren't.
Frasier
Well, anyway, I suppose one consolation is, you know, as disappointed as I was with you after the pizza incident, here we are, all those years later, out at a batting cage.
Martin
Yeah, that's right. Come on, I'll get us a couple of beers.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
And, er, how many of these shiny things do you need for...
Frasier
Oh, shut up!
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, you look like an authentic jock. I'm half-tempted to hand over my lunch money.
Frasier
Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles
Obviously you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie!
Niles
So, how did your little talk go with Frederick?
Frasier
Well, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I guess it's about you going to any lengths to avoid looking foolish in front of your son.
Martin
Look what Mrs. Thorkenson was throwing out. Boy, the guys at McGinty's are going to love this!
Frasier
Well, anyhoo...
Frasier
Frederick, what have I told you about running in the house?
Freddie
You told me to not run in the house.
Frasier
Frederick, what have I told you about splitting infinitives?
Niles
Frasier, let the boy be a boy.
Daphne
Don't run away! I saw you! Your son just walked right in on me in the shower!
Frasier
Frederick!
Freddie
Dad, all I really saw was...
Frasier
I am very disappointed in you, young man!
Niles
Let the boy finish!
Freddie
All I really saw was a lot of steam.
Freddie
I'm sorry, Daphne, I didn't know you were in the shower. Now you hate me.
Daphne
I don't hate you, you just have to promise to knock before you enter a room, okay?
Freddie
Sorry, dad.
Frasier
That's okay, son.
Freddie
So, when are we going to the game?
Frasier
Er, in a bit, er... First we have to have a conversation, the two of us. Er, Uncle Niles, do you think you could give us a moment alone?
Niles
Oh, of course. I'll freshen up for the game. [aside to Freddie:] You can fool them, but you can't fool me! I'm on to you, little man! [exits]
Frasier
Come on, Freddie. Come and have a seat, here. [he does] Okay, you're going to see me play some softball today, and I'm not going to play very well. You see, I'm not a good softball player.
Freddie
But Bulldog said you were the best.
Frasier
Yes, I know, he was just lying in order to be nice. The truth is, I stink. I can't catch, I can't throw, I can't hit.
Freddie
[taking it well] Oh.
Frasier
So, it must be pretty disappointing to hear for the first time that your Dad's not perfect, but...
Freddie
It's not the first time. You couldn't fix my computer, you thought Venus was the North Star, and I've seen you run!
Frasier
Well, why didn't you mention any of these things to me before?
Freddie
I thought it might hurt your self-esteem!
Frasier
Ah, actually, Frederick, I'm really okay with those things, I am. I just want you to know that it's okay for you to feel bad about them. You see, when I was your age, I felt really bad about learning that your Grandpa can't do math in his head. I learned later, of course, that that really wasn't very important because he can do so many other things so well.
Freddie
[amazed] Grandpa can't do math in his head?!
Frasier
Yes, but....
Martin
What are you doing telling that for?!
Frasier
I was making a point!
Freddie
You mean you can't do it at all?!
Martin
Well, yeah, sure I can, Freddie.
Freddie
I knew you could. What's seven times fifteen? You can do it, Grandpa.
Martin
Er... 115?
Freddie
Oh, Grandpa!
Martin
Thanks a lot, Frasier!
Frasier
Well, I tried, for God's sake.
Daphne
Ready for the game?
Freddie
[miffed] Yeah.
Daphne
You don't sound too exited.
Freddie
I just found out that Dad's bad at softball and Grandpa can't do math in his head.
Daphne
Those things aren't important. What can I do to make you feel better?
Freddie
Maybe a hug?
Daphne
Oh, come here.