Roz's Turn
Aired 15th April 1997 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by Joyce Gittlin
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
I'm sorry to drop by unannounced, but I need your help.
Frasier
Of course. Sherry?
Niles
Please. As you know, ever since I moved into the Montana I've been angling to meet our most famous tenant: Esmeralda Bing, the Walnut Queen. Well, I finally cornered her in the ornamental garden, by the wishing well, and I felt very pleased with myself - that is until the Walnut Queen invited me to a ball. Now I have a problem.
Frasier
[sarcastic:] Yes, your life has become an operetta.
Niles
[smiles at the quip] No, it's a charity ball. And when I say invited, I mean she let me buy a table for ten at five thousand dollars. I've until Sunday to sell eight five hundred dollar tickets...
Frasier
[picking up cheque book:] Say no more. It's a bit steep, but if it's for charity...
Niles
Thank you Frasier, it is a very worthy cause.
Frasier
Alright, who should I make this out to?
Niles
[Frasier writes as Niles speaks] The Esmeralda... Bing... International... Doll Museum.
Frasier
You do have a problem!
Niles
I thought you prided yourself on supporting the arts!
Frasier
The arts, Niles, not the crafts!
Martin
I told you, I can't do it now. Sherry's taking me out for our third-month anniversary, and I've got to get a new sport coat.
Daphne
You cannot skip your exercises again - you skipped them yesterday.
Martin
This is the only time Sherry can go shopping with me and I can't go without her. There isn't a woman alive with her fashion sense!
Niles
[aside to Frasier:] Carmen Miranda having passed on!
Daphne
I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin
Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
Roz
Oh hey, Martin.
Niles
[aside to Frasier:] Oh look, a scout from the majors.
Martin
I'll see you later, I gotta run. [leaves]
Frasier
Oh, this is a surprise.
Roz
[happy:] Big news. Gertie Oldson is leaving the station.
Daphne
What, from "Gertie's Grotbag"? I love that show.
Frasier
Oh please, that homily-spouting Hausfrau? It's the most embarrassing thing on the air. So, she finally got canned, eh?
Roz
No, she got a million-dollar TV deal.
Frasier
[chokes on his sherry, then:] Well, good news for Gertie and for the many atheists who will welcome this new proof of their theory.
Roz
Anyway, they're auditioning people for her time slot and... I'm going to go for it.
Frasier
What do you mean - your own show?
Daphne
Roz, that's exciting.
Niles
[slyly:] And what better way to celebrate an exciting new career move than spending this Sunday at a swanky society ball? [takes out tickets]
Frasier
Drop it, Niles! Of course, this comes as a little surprise.
Daphne
Yeah, I never knew you were interested in getting your own show.
Roz
Well, it's the whole reason I got into radio. I mean, I had my own show in college and when I started working at the station I kinda got stuck on the producing side.
Frasier
What kind of show did you have in mind?
Roz
I thought I'd talk about stuff I know: the singles life in Seattle, dating, fashion, where to meet available men...
Niles
Well, if you're looking for an event which will be crawling with attractive single men, [takes tickets out] this particular ga...
Frasier
[angry:] Niles!
Roz
Anyway Frasier, I hope that you'll support me on this.
Frasier
Well, I'd hate to lose you, but of course I'll support you.
Roz
[happy:] Oh thank you, Frasier, you're the best.
Frasier
[modest:] Well...
Roz
Listen, as long as I've got you all here - I'm putting together an audition and I could use people to pretend to be callers...
Frasier
[happily:] We'd be glad to help.
Daphne
Sounds like fun.
Roz
Alright, I'll come back tonight. Oh and Daphne, I need at least one spicy call. Could you pretend to be a woman who doesn't believe in sex without love, but just feels so horny sometimes she wants to jump anything in pants?
Daphne
[sarcastic:] Well, I'll try. And while I'm at it, I'll see if I can fake a British accent!
Roz
[into microphone:] Good afternoon, Seattle. I'm Roz Doyle and this is "Love Matters." Today we're chatting with merchant seaman Steve Barron, from Billingham. Tell me Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date?
Frasier
[normal posh voice:] When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea...
Roz
Cut! [stops tape:] Sorry Frasier, but you don't sound like a merchant seamen.
Frasier
Oh, let's try again, alright?
Roz
[starts tape:] So, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date?
Frasier
[salty voice:] When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles
[taking the mike, salty voice:] ...head for the antique sale!
Frasier
Fine, smarty pants. Well, you play Steve then.
Roz
Never mind, let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles
[quickly:] Yes.
Roz
OK. [starts tape:] I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?
Daphne
It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've... served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But, [angry:] did he care? No!
Roz
And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Roz
Fred?
Niles
[comes out of trance:] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.
Roz
Let's cut to the chase. Patty, men are like fish: when you first hook 'em they wriggle around like crazy, but once you finally reel them in they just lie there with that glassy look.
Niles
That's terrible advice.
Roz
No, it isn't.
Niles
Yes, it is, you have no idea how Fred really feels about Daphne... Patsy.
Daphne
Patty.
Niles
Patty!
Roz
This is pointless.
Frasier
No, Roz, you're doing just fine.
Roz
[angry:] No, I was terrible! I wasn't helpful, I wasn't smart... I wasn't even sassy!
Frasier
Well, perhaps not sassy but you were simply saucy, that borders on sassy.
Daphne
Hello, Mr. Crane. How was your romantic evening with Sherry?
Martin
Oh, it was fine. [laughs, but:] Er, hey Daph', how about getting that exercise mat out, we'll do some stretches, eh?
Daphne
Can't right now, I'm helping Roz with her audition tape.
Martin
[impatient:] Well, how long's it going to take?
Daphne
What are you so eager for? [realising:] Oh, I get the picture. Not too limber with Sherry this evening, were we? Two hips but no hooray? [laughs]
Martin
Very funny! Well, you haven't exactly been burning it up in the romance department either.
Daphne
[injured] What do you know about my love life?
Daphne
[on tape:] I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy. But did he care...
Frasier
It takes some time to get the hang of it at first. But I mean, you should have heard my audition tape! [laughs] I was so inept it was incredible.
Roz
[remembering:] That's true!
Frasier
Oh. Oh, you heard it? Well, then you see that... [mutters]
Roz
[laughing:] There was a bootleg floating around the station for months!
Frasier
Yes, well fine, so you get my point then...
Roz
People still play it at parties!
Frasier
[angry:] Alright, Roz.
Martin
So, hey Roz, I hear you're trying out for a new job?
Roz
Yes, as a matter of fact I am. And you can really help me with my demo.
Martin
What do I do?
Roz
I just want an honest answer. I want to talk to you about first dates.
Martin
OK.
Niles
[laughs:] Are you sure dad's the best candidate for this particular subject? [Frasier laughs with him]
Martin
[easily:] Quick survey: how many Crane men here with a girlfriend?
Martin
No, no, keep 'em up while I count.
Frasier
[backing up:] Alright!
Roz
Great. OK Frasier, start the tape. [he does; into it:] Alright, we're here with Martin and we're talking about first dates. Martin, tell me some of the tricks you use to impress women.
Martin
[modest:] Hmmm, well I'm sorry to disappoint you, Roz, but I really don't know any tricks. I mean, if a woman agreed to go out with me, I'd er, well, I'm not there to impress her or to play cool. I'm there because I want to know her; er, what she thinks; er, what she likes, so that if I'm lucky enough to get another date I can plan something that I know she'd like to do. I guess I'm still old-fashioned or something, but I think you should treat a woman like a queen.
Martin
[to kids:] Bow to the master, boys, bow to the master.
Bulldog
Hey, Bebe!
Bebe
Bulldog Briscoe, my absolute favourite client.
Frasier
Hello, Bebe.
Bebe
And Frasier Crane - alert the judges, we have a tie!
Frasier
Oh my goodness, what a flock. These all yours?
Bebe
Yes. The minute I heard about the auditions I piled all my hottest new discoveries into the van.
Frasier
You brought them in a van?
Bebe
I call it my "Bebe Stars Of Tomorrow Tour." [to flock:] People, I want you to meet Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Hello.
Bebe
[selling him:] The most caring and kindest client I've ever had. Frasier, this is Professor Pete, the human encyclopedia. Ask him anything, he can't be stopped.
Frasier
Oh, alright. Explain Freud's theory of the superego.
Pete
[as if reading textbook:] Sigmund Freud, noted psychiatrist, was born in Vienna. [stops]
Frasier
[confused:] That's not what I asked.
Pete
He believed dreams had secret meanings. [stops]
Bebe
[covering up:] He just pulls it out of the air. But, if it's a raucous political debate you want, meet newlyweds Hank and Hannah Finch.
Frasier
Hello, Hank.
Bebe
[selling them:] He's a right-wing Baptist preacher, she's a fun-loving bisexual! Conflicts? You bet! Have you ever seen such talent?
Frasier
[laughs:] Well..
Bebe
[takes Frasier aside:] Ugh, they're pathetic!
Roz
[excited:] It went really well!
Frasier
Oh Roz, I'm so excited for you.
Roz
You know what he actually said? At this moment I am the candidate to beat.
Frasier
Oh congratulations, Roz...
Roz
OK, I'm going to get set up for the show, I'm so excited. [exits]
Frasier
[half-heartedly:] OK.
Bebe
Well, ra-ra for little Roz.
Frasier
Yes well, I'm really thrilled for her, I am, but... [pauses:] God knows where I'm going to find another producer. I feel so in sync with her.
Bebe
You know, Hank Finch produced hygiene films in the army.
Frasier
No, Bebe, I don't think so. Ah, I'm not proud to admit this, but there's a small part of me that hopes she won't get the job. God, I feel guilty just saying that.
Bebe
[pleased:] You're so good, everything makes you feel guilty. I'm so proud to represent you. You're like a modern day... what's his name? [to Pete:] Pete, famous German doctor - built a hospital in Africa, Albert something?
Pete
Hang on.
Frasier
[jumping to it:] Schweitzer.
Pete
[positive:] No.
Frasier
[on air:] And that is it for our show today. But before I sign off, this final note to Carla who called us earlier from the planet "Fripton." The technical term for your condition, which eluded me earlier, is "Schizophrenoform Disorder." [off air:] Or in layman's terms...
Roz
Hey, what's going on out here?
Frasier
Good Lord, is it someone's birthday?
Bulldog
[enters:] Hey Roz, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Brenda from the newsroom got the job.
Roz
Brenda?
Frasier
[unhappy for her:] Oh, Roz.
Bulldog
It's total BS. Listen, er, if you need a little comforting later... [shouts and runs off:] Hey Brenda, alright! [comes back:] I'm there for you. [leaves to Brenda]
Frasier
Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz
[covering up:] Oh hell, I'll be OK. Guess I better go congratulate the winner.
Frasier
Right.
Frasier
Bebe, did you hear what happened to Roz?
Bebe
[delighted:] Yes, no need to thank me, darling.
Frasier
[confused:] What are you talking about?
Bebe
I spoke to the station manager - I told him just how you'd feel if he gave Roz the job.
Frasier
[angry:] You did what?! [paranoid:] In here.
Bebe
I said that Frasier Crane wasn't about to work for a station that would steal his producer away. A bluff, of course, but he crumbled like a matzo.
Frasier
Oh, how could you?! I told you that I didn't want to lose Roz, but I didn't mean for you to sabotage her!
Bebe
You didn't? Oh no, what a horrible misunderstanding. [pauses:] Wink! [laughs]
Frasier
I mean it!
Bebe
Oh, I see. So when you said in that off-handed way that you hoped Roz wouldn't get the job... I totally misinterpreted you. [pauses:] Wink! [laughs]
Frasier
Will you stop winking! My God, I could never want such a thing! There's got to be some way I can still reverse this!
Roz
[sarcastically:] Oh that was fun, I got to watch Brenda sign her new contract!
Bebe
Roz, I think what they did to you is monstrous. [Frasier can't believe her lies] I wish I could stay here and console you, but my people are waiting for me in the van. I hope someone cracked a window! [exits]
Frasier
Listen Roz, this is something we need to talk about...
Roz
Oh Frasier, I know what you're going to say: that I tried my best, that I deserved it. I'm fine with this, really. Yeah, I gave it a shot, that's what counts. I didn't get it. It's not like.... [bursting into tears:] my life is over!
Roz
[upset:] Oh look at me, I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself I haven't even thanked you for all your help.
Frasier
[troubled:] That's not necessary.
Roz
Oh, it is! Look how close you helped me get, it's because of you I'm second choice.
Frasier
I can't argue with that! [coming over:] There's something I need to confess to you. As much as I hoped that you would get the job, there was a very small part of me - and a very selfish part - that hoped you wouldn't.
Roz
That's not bad. That's really kinda sweet.
Frasier
Oh, I'm glad you feel that way. Because I happened to mention those feelings to Bebe.
Roz
[shocked:] Bebe? You told Bebe?!
Frasier
Just in passing.
Roz
Oh, great. She torpedoed me, didn't she?
Frasier
Yes... well, she said I'd quit if you got the job.
Roz
I can't believe this!
Frasier
Well, I'm glad to see that you're as mad at her as I am.
Roz
I'm mad at you!
Frasier
Me?
Roz
How could you have done that?
Frasier
Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Roz
She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!
Frasier
Oh Roz, I'm so sorry. Just tell me how I can make it up to you. I promise I will.
Roz
You mean it?
Frasier
Yes, anything, just name it!
Roz
Fire Bebe.
Frasier
[surprised:] Well, em, how... isn't there something else you'd like?
Roz
The only thing I wanted was that job, and she took it away. I'm not just suggesting this for my sake - I'm suggesting it for yours. She is your representative. When she goes out into the world lying and twisting your words and stabbing people in the back, it reflects badly on you.
Frasier
You're right, Roz. How can I consider myself an ethical person when I have the Princess of Darkness conducting my business for me? Well, that's it, I'm going to have to fire that conniving harpy.
Roz
I'm very proud of you.
Frasier
I'm ashamed to think how long I've turned a blind eye on her unscrupulous behaviour. What for? A 20% pay increase... six-week paid vacation... an expense account... a travel allowance...
Roz
[worried:] Frasier?
Frasier
[mad:] Well, not anymore!
Vera
Frasier Crane's here. He's not alone. [to Frasier:] Have a seat.
Bebe
[enters waiting room:] Frasier, Roz, my two favourite people.
Roz
Not for long.
Frasier
Bebe, we're going to discuss what happened this morning - this time you won't wink your way out of it!
Bebe
This is serious, you two come right in - we'll solve this thing. Let's just promise to be totally honest with each other.
Bebe
We're losing one. Code red!
Bebe
What can I get you? Champagne?
Roz
Nothing.
Bebe
A massage?
Frasier
No, thank you.
Bebe
You sure? Vladimir can be here in five minutes, he will play your spine like a Steinway.
Roz
Can we just get started?
Bebe
Roz, I'm just a wreck about our misunderstanding today. Will you ever forgive me?
Roz
No.
Bebe
Why should you? I don't forgive myself.
Frasier
Bebe, what you did today was unfair, and not just to Roz but to me.
Frasier
[throughout the above:] Thanks to you, a strain has been put on our relationship... both professional and... personally. All of this I might be able to let go of as an isolated incident, but... I am concerned that... [narked off about the pill taking:] Are you quite alright?!
Bebe
It's nothing, it's just a silly little cardiac thing. [to Vera:] Go, go, you're distracting my client. My clients come first.
Roz
Oh, poor Bebe, how many fake pills do you have to take everyday?
Frasier
Yes, do you really think that you can sit there popping a bunch of... [sees label:] Digitalis! Oh my God! You really are sick.
Bebe
Well, of course I'm sick. But it makes me even sicker to think that I've angered your will when all I wanted to do was keep the best damn team in radio together!
Roz
Oh God, we're gonna need a shovel to get out of here!
Frasier
Alright Bebe, be that as it may, but I still...
Bebe
[angry into phone:] I told you, no calls! [listens] What about my sister? [to Frasier and Roz:] One second. [into phone:] Did the air bag deploy? [traumatised:] Look, I'm gonna to have to call you back. Frasier's here, and my clients come first! [hangs up, then nearly crying:] Sorry, you were saying?
Frasier
Since the moment we met you showed yourself to be ruthless and untrustworthy. As these are qualities I do not wish to have associated with my name, I think it's best we simply part...
Bebe
[answers:] What did I say about calls?!
Girl
[young girl voice on phone crying:] Aunty Bebe.
Bebe
[holding a girl's picture in her hand] Susy. Sorry to hear about your mummy's accident.
Girl
I'm frightened, Aunty Bebe.
Bebe
Don't be, little one.
Girl
If mummy goes to heaven, will you take care of me?
Bebe
Of course, my little lamb, assuming that I have the resources.
Frasier
[intrigued:] Bebe, you know I can't help noticing that none of your outside lines are lit up!
Bebe
[crying:] The bulbs are broken! [to phone:] I'm going to have to go. I'm with a client and you know what we say about clients.
Vera
[in girl's voice:] They always come firth.
Roz
You are amazing!
Frasier
[to Bebe:] Is there nothing you won't stoop to?
Bebe
[feigning shock:] I had no idea who I was speaking to! [to Vera:] How dare you impersonate my niece?! I've had enough of your cruel jokes - you're fired, mother!
Bebe
[to Frasier:] I just want to say...
Frasier
No, stop it! Not one more crooked word! Your tongue could open a wine bottle. From now, Frasier Crane has resigned from your coven.
Bebe
[upset:] Huh! That's it, is it? I'm not virtuous enough for you, not noble. Fine, quit! Next time you need a deal made, call the Dalai Lama. A long time ago, I had to make a choice between being a good agent and a good person, because trust me, you can't be both! So forgive me if I don't have time to make everybody warm and fuzzy. I am just too busy spending every waking minute pouring any drink, pulling any shameless tricks I can to make my clients' dreams come true! I am a starmaker! And if you can't appreciate that, there are plenty that can! [to Roz:] How about you, you want an agent.
Frasier
Oh pu-leeze!
Roz
You mean it?
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
I've never had an agent. It's not like she worships the Devil.
Frasier
Well, she doesn't have to! He worships her!
Roz
You're absolutely right, Frasier. Forget it, Bebe. No way!
Bebe
That voice - I could listen to it all day. It's pure, yet smouldering - like a nun with a past.
Roz
You think so?
Frasier
No, Roz, don't look her in the eye!
Bebe
I could triple your salary - voice-overs, commercials...
Frasier
Roz, listen to me, for God's sake. If you've got the tiniest shred of sense or dignity left, remember what this woman did to you this afternoon and renounce her. She has no scruples, no ethics, and no reflection!
Roz
Oh, let's get out of here.
Frasier
[to Bebe:] Well, nice doing business with you. [pauses, then obvious and nasty:] WINK!
Roz
Oh! Frasier, I forgot my purse.
Frasier
Alright.
Roz
Lunchtime tomorrow?
Bebe
12:30, Benardi's.