Ham Radio
Aired 22nd April 1997 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
You know I've only got a moment, you know I've started a very exciting project.
Niles
Oh really?
Frasier
Yes, you know this is KACL's fiftieth anniversary. I did a little research and found out they used to specialise in live radio dramas. So, I'm putting one on. Dad, surely you must remember those?
Martin
Oh sure.
Frasier
Yes, people of dad's generation would sit around at night, listening to the radio absolutely mesmerised.
Martin
We were simple people.
Frasier
All right, dad. Anyway, I've spoken to the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes, to re-create the very first mystery KACL ever aired; "Nightmare Inn."
Martin
Oh don't tell me, I know: A bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everyone's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
Frasier
Exactly, and I'm going to direct.
Niles
So, we can stop wondering.
Martin
What, don't you think your brother knows how to direct?
Niles
No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing. During our prep school production of "Richard III" he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. I seem to recall a delay on the opening night while our Richard chased Frasier around the dressing room, beating him with his hump.
Frasier
Oh, that was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension.
Niles
You'll have an Orson Welles complex. By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have re-written the script and be playing the lead.
Frasier
I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re- writing I've done is simply cutting to get it down to thirty minutes.
Martin
[reading script title:] "Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn."
Frasier
[snatching script from Martin] It's just a working title! [exits]
Frasier
[on air:] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn." Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that [in a ghoulish creepy voice, which sounds down-right hilarious:] you never know what's lurking in the shadows.
Roz
Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia. Listen, do we have a leading man yet?
Frasier
No.
Roz
Well, you could do it.
Frasier
Oh don't be silly, Roz. It is a juicy part, it does call for a strong voice, but believe me, my hands are full.
Gil
[enters] Oh, Frasier, I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as Bull Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper.
Frasier
[looks at Roz in disbelief] You know Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose. [Gil agrees] But you know who you could play? Mr. Nigel Fairservice, drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances.
Roz
[to Frasier:] With him playing it, they might not seem so mysterious. [Frasier hits her]
Gil
I'll take it. After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act about his boyhood in Surrey. "Romping with his school chums in the fens and spinneys, when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent flame." Actually, I had rather a long peek at the script. [exits]
Roz
Gosh, we still have a lot of these supporting roles to cast.
Frasier
Well actually, I'm working on that. You know, Jennifer down in accounting is married to a professional actor, who specialises in dialects. I'm thinking of asking him to play six or seven of the smaller parts.
Bulldog
[entering] Hey Doc, need one more for your play?
Frasier
Absolutely Bulldog, just as long as you promise to promote it on your show.
Bulldog
Actually I wasn't talking about me, I was talking about a friend of mine; Maxine.
Frasier
Does she have any experience?
Bulldog
Are you kidding?! If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage... [thinks] Oh wait a minute, she does.
Frasier
Well, we do still have a part open for the maid, she only has one line.
Bulldog
Does it have any big words?
Frasier
No, it's simple; [acting:] "Look out, he's got a gun!"
Bulldog
Maxine could knock that line right out of the park.
Frasier
Well, OK, but you've got to agree to play a part too. We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant.
Bulldog
OK, it's a deal. Maxine is going to be so excited. I gotta remember to pick her up one of those cute little French maid outfits on my way home from work.
Frasier
It's radio, Bulldog, she doesn't have to appear in costume.
Bulldog
Maybe here she doesn't!
Roz
Well, we're getting there.
Frasier
Except the lead! I haven't found anyone remotely qualified to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector. You know, you might be right, Roz, I'll have to bite the bullet and take on the part myself.
Ian
[takes pipe out of mouth] Excuse me, Dr. Crane, is it too late to read for role of the inspector?
Frasier
I'm afraid the role has already been cast.
Daphne
Come on in.
Roz
Hello, Daphne.
Gil
Hello.
Frasier
Bulldog, Gil, right on time. We have to be on our toes tonight, we have a professional actor with us, Mel White, our man of a thousand voices.
Gil
Oh, it's a huge pleasure.
Frasier
Mel's going to play Hans the German butler, both McAllister sisters, and Pépo the dwarf; a little man with a big secret.
Bulldog
The same guy's playing all those parts?
Frasier
Yes, he's also playing Bull Kragen the game keeper, and O'Toole the handy man. Do you think you're up to it, Mel?
Mel
Just so long they don't all talk at once!
Frasier
[excited:] Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional! [to Bulldog:] Bulldog, where's Maxine?
Bulldog
Oh, she's home with food poisoning, it's nothing serious. I think she just wrestled in some bad Jell-O.
Frasier
Never mind, she just has one line anyway. [acting:] Look out, he's got a gun! [sympathetically:] You think you might be up to that this evening, Daphne?
Daphne
[sarcastically:] I'll try!
Gil
Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing.
Frasier
Why yes, I had to cut the play by twenty minutes.
Gil
Oh yes, but that line so neatly defined Nigel's character.
Frasier
Saying "Gesundheit" after the butler sneezes?!
Gil
It shows he's a caring person.
Frasier
It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go.
Gil
Oh very well, as long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey.
Frasier
Yes that's still in.
Gil
"Romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys..."
Frasier
Yes, yes that one. Thank you. All right, I fear we might be running just a bit long still, so I've asked Daphne to time us this evening and also Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet, so I'm gonna have Daphne read those directions as well. Now that's a lot of responsibility on you Daphne, are you sure you're up to it? [She looks at him as if to say "I have some use"] All right, start the watch. Stage direction.
Daphne
Sound of door opening.
Roz
[with cheese in her mouth] Inspactar, thank goddies cam.
Frasier
Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "when she opened her lips cheese fell out". [to Daphne:] Start the watch. [acting:] This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike.
Daphne
Sound of door closing.
Roz
[exotic:] I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer.
Frasier
That's easy for you to say, but my job is to suspect everyone. Please introduce me to your guests.
Roz
[exotic:] This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wang.
Bulldog
[laughs]
Frasier
Stop the watch. What's your problem?
Bulldog
Wang? You've gotta give me another name, I'll crack up every time I hear that!!
Frasier
All right, all right, how about Wing? That's a great old Chinese name. Everybody change Wang to Wing in your scripts.
Daphne
Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings.
Frasier
From your line. Start it.
Roz
[exotic:] This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wing.
Frasier
Do you see anything suspicious, Wing?
Bulldog
[Chinese impersonation:] Oh, me no looky, me go very by chop-chop.
Roz
Stop! Chinese embassy on line one! You can't say that.
Frasier
All right, it's all right, I'll just adjust his dialogue later. Start.
Gil
I'm Nigel Fairservice, inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
Frasier
Did anyone see you?
Gil
Several people. Hans, the German butler.
Mel
[German voice:] Ja, I saw zee Gentleman.
Frasier
Stop! [to Mel:] That's wonderful, Mel. But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
Mel
I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage!
Frasier
Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have. All right everyone, from the beginning once again. Now let's try hard people, dig in! And try to find the reality. From the dwarf's entrance.
Frasier
"And so the case was closed, and with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return to Nightmare Inn." Stop. Time?
Daphne
That's 32 minutes, 40 seconds
Frasier
Damn! I'll have try to pin some more before we try again.
All
Again?!
Frasier
Please, we're doing it until I'm completely satisfied, and that reminds me, Mel - I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister! She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me.
Mel
I see. You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall. Let me try Hans again, tell me how my German is sounding: "I Q-vit!" [exits]
Frasier
Oh, wait!
Daphne
Sound of door slamming.
Bulldog
So what do we do now, boss?
Frasier
Not to worry, I have a plan. [picks up phone]
Roz
Oh yeah right, we're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night. Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
Frasier
[into phone] Niles.
Daphne
Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.
Gil
Oh there's your brother, how's he enjoying the prospect of playing six parts?
Frasier
Actually, he doesn't know about it yet. He would have never agreed.
Niles
[enters] Frasier, you told me you were going to message the script to me this morning.
Frasier
I'm so, so sorry. I was tinkering with it till the very last minute, but not to worry. Your natural talent will carry you through. Look, take a look at this. [they walk to Noel beside a bench with strange objects on] Noel is going to give us a demonstration of the sound effects. What have you got, Noel?
Noel
OK! This is my door sound: [opens fake door] My thunder screen: [sounds it] Balloons for gun shots: [bursts one] And this plays various kinds of organ music: [he demonstrates] I've also got a gravel box, bells, a rain stick and a coffee thermos.
Frasier
What does that do?
Noel
It keeps my coffee warm.
Bulldog
[enters with Maxine] Everybody, this is Maxine.
Frasier
Hello. Welcome.
Maxine
Hi, I need a quiet place to work on my part.
Bulldog
Oh, you got it baby, why don't you go up here in the booth. [Maxine exits.]
Frasier
Bulldog, work on her part?! It's just one line.
Bulldog
Yeah, yeah, but she's got that condition. What d'ya call it, it begins with a dis... dis- dis... er?
Niles
Distemper?
Bulldog
No, Dyslexia, that's it. She's dyslexic.
Frasier
And you tell me that now.
Bulldog
No, no, no, hey, she'll be great. It's me I'm worried about, I've got some serious butterflies going here.
Frasier
Bulldog, you're on the radio all the time.
Bulldog
Yeah, but that's me being me. This is acting, it's scary.
Frasier
Listen, that's all part of the thrill of the live performance. Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, scratchy throat, pounding heart! I suppose you have all of those?
Bulldog
I do now!
Roz
[enters speaking with a numb mouth] Phorry I'm late, Phaser, I just sphent two hours in the dentist chair. An emergenphie, Ohh.
Gil
What is the matter?
Roz
Novocaine, he said it would wear opph by now. I keep biteing my 'ip.
Frasier
Dear God, we've got sixty seconds.
Niles
I don't even know who I'm playing.
Frasier
Don't worry Niles, I'll just cue you as we go along.
Niles
Shouldn't I at least prepare a little?
Frasier
Now, listen, your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor. What was it the Yale "Daily News" said about your Tartuffe?
Niles
Oh, who remembers? [off heart] That I have the magnetism of Marlon Brando, the charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier.
Frasier
All right everyone, places please.
Daphne
Hurry up, it's starting. [ominous organ music heard]
Frasier
[radio:] Good evening, this is Frasier Crane to welcome you to KACL's recreation of the original mystery theatre...
Daphne
I already know the plot, but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.
Martin
Great! As a cop I hated it when people did that.
Frasier
In all my years at the Yard, I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night [thunder sound effect] than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder at the old inn on the moors. [door sound effect] The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndike. [door shuts] Her face was unfamiliar and when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
Roz
Inphector, ow! Phank God you ca'.
Frasier
This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike.
Roz
I can't beweive any of my guests cod be a... mopible mupuder.
Frasier
That's easy for you to say. But my job is to suspect everybody. Please, introduce me to your... no, no, never mind. I know your guests by reputation. This must be Mr. Wing, the silk merchant. Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? [Bulldog freezes on the spot so Frasier covers] Of course, the inscrutable and mute Mr. Wing, who wears a bell on his hat. [goes to sound effects] Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? [Frasier shakes bell] No, eh? I'll remember you said that.
Gil
I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
Frasier
Did anyone see you?
Gil
Several people. Hans, the German butler.
Niles
[Frasier cues him, speaking in German accent:] Ja, I saw zee gentleman.
Gil
O'Toole, the gardener.
Niles
[Frasier cues him, speaking in Irish accent:] It �twas himself, and no mistake.
Gil
As well as Prudence McAllister.
Niles
[Frasier cues him, speaking in an aristocrat lady accent:] Yes, I was taking a breath of air.
Frasier
I tried to shake Nigel's alibi, but each witness was adamant. O'Toole!
Niles
[Irish:] Faith and it's true!
Frasier
Hans!
Niles
[German:] Ja, Voll!
Frasier
Miss McAllister!
Niles
[old woman:] Oh, please hence.
Frasier
There remained one suspect, whose whereabouts had not yet been established - Pépo the dwarf, a retired circus performer. Exactly where were you when the murders occurred, Pépo?
Frasier
Pépo, where were you?
Niles
[high voice:] I was at the movies.
Frasier
At the movies you say, well one quick phone call can verify that!
Frasier
What's this? Dear God, the phone lines have been cut. [organ music] Oh, we were really stranded. Totally and completely isolated from any contact with the outside world.
Frasier
The phone lines have been repaired, you say? [uses prop phone] Hello? Wait, they've gone dead again.
Frasier
[radio:] Who knows what other surprises this night may bring? [organ music sounds, whilst Martin turns off the radio]
Martin
I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy!
Daphne
Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night.
Niles
Six different roles and six different accents, I have a mind to walk right out of here.
Frasier
Yes, I'm sorry, Niles, but you're doing brilliantly. Except your Hans could be a bit gruffer!
Niles
Don't direct me!
Frasier
I'm sorry, you're right. I'm just a bit more worried of being over time. Gil, at the bottom of page fourteen, listen, after your shot just say "I'm dying," cut the rest.
Gil
That's my boyhood in Surrey speech!
Frasier
Yes, I know.
Gil
You can't cut that, you can't.
Frasier
Stop whining! We've got a play to do!
Gil
I don't care anymore.
Frasier
Oh, all right, please, quiet everybody. Ten seconds! Oh, Maxine, be sure to watch out for your cue and please, people let's pick up the pace. [organ music and on air:] Nightmare Inn, Act Two. I was baffled, they all had alibis. Suddenly Miss Thorndike pointed, her eyes wide with alarm!
Roz
There's somevon outside that phindow.
Frasier
Why yes, Miss Thorndike, it appears to be... [soft music plays sounding like a fairy, Frasier covers] The ice-cream truck! But never mind that, [takes off leaves of paper] suddenly the storm put the lights out. [thunder effect] And we were left with darkness. Then a scream.
Maxine
Ahhhh! Look out, he's got a nug!
Frasier
A gun! A gun is what he's got. When the lights came back up, a smoking gun lay on the table. The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer. Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded.
Gil
I'm dying!
Frasier
Poor man was gone.
Gil
Never again to visit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey, romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys...
Frasier
Just then the lights went out again. [gun sound] Nigel Fairservice was shot again.
Gil
Only grazed me. When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent...
Frasier
[creates another shot] The final bullet, blew his head clean off his shoulders. All right people, let's try to keep calm although it's hard when the killer is among us.
Gil
[walks over and makes the door sound effect] Hi-ho, I'm Nigel's brother Cedric, who I haven't seen since my boyhood...
Frasier
[creates yet another shot] And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family.
Martin
Boy, I sure didn't see that one coming!
Gil
[radio:] Hello, I'm the ice cream man. Years ago I went to school with Nigel Fairservice. We used to romp in the fens and spinnies... [gun shot]
Daphne
This is turning into a blood bath.
Martin
This is why I prefer TV, you want to be able to see that stuff!
Frasier
By this time, I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch; Hans, may I see your fingernails?
Niles
[German:] Vy?
Frasier
They seem a bit ragged for a butler!
Niles
[German:] Alvight, Alvight, I'm not what I appear. None of us is. I'm not a butler, I'm not even... [turns page] German?! [normal:] Sit down, inspector, you are about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you. When we've finished you will know the full dark secret of "Nightmare Inn"!
Roz
Are thu thew with phat, Hans?
Niles
Be quiet, mother. [organ here] Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy after the... tragic death of my father...
Niles
I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a serpent coiled within a damp... cave... [throws script] That's it! I'm just going to take this gun off the table. [takes balloons and bursts one] Sorry about that, O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [two shots:] Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! Could the McAllister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets! [shot] Thank you! What was your name again, dear?
Roz
Miph Thorndike.
Niles
Thank you. [shot] Ah, and also Mr. Wing. [shot sound with bell fading] And of course, one final bullet for myself so the mystery will die with me. [shot] Ha!
Frasier
Well then, that pretty much wrapped things up! Hans was a mass murderer, who to the surprise of everyone, the case was closed. And with a grateful shudder, I swore I never would return to Nightmare Inn!
Frasier
Well, we still have nine minutes remaining. Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion?