Three Dates And A Break Up (Part 1)
Aired 29th April 1997 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by Jeff Melman
Niles
Have you noticed there are fewer hazlenuts in these biscotti?
Frasier
So I'm not crazy.
Niles
And yet they've gone up twenty-five cents.
Frasier
Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life! [they laugh]
Roz
[catching breath:] That's the last time I jog in these shorts. My thighs are chafing like a couple of hams wrapped in velcro! [shouting to waitress:] Non-fat Mocha, please!
Roz
What?!
Frasier
As flattered as we are that you've chosen our company over, say... a shower, perhaps you'd like to go to the ladies room to freshen up a little bit?
Roz
[angry:] Hey, at least I try to keep in shape. I haven't seen one of you two run an eight minute mile!
Niles
Stand upwind of us and you might!
Frasier
Oh, by the way Niles, my benefit for the Seattle Theatre Ensemble is tonight - I haven't recieved your check yet.
Niles
Well, that's because I'm still not sure if I'm coming. Whom should I expect to meet there?
Frasier
Professional people... around our age..
Niles
[wanting more:] Hmmm.
Frasier
Same social standing...
Niles
[strangely:] Yoww!
Frasier
Specific-minded... interested in the arts...
Niles
[angry:] Oh for God's sake, how many women?
Frasier
Well, why didn't you say so?
Niles
Well, I thought my rutting monkey body language would have tipped you off.
Frasier
Well, pertaining to my RSVP list there should be quite a few available women.
Niles
In that case I'll be there. [writes check and hands it to Frasier:] Here's my money - it better be worth my while!
Frasier
[sharp] Oh look, here comes Sherry and Dad.
Niles
[sharp] Duck!
Frasier
No, no, no, no, I invited them.
Niles
Sherry's not going to be there at your benefit tonight, is she? I can stop that check!
Frasier
Oh, just relax. I came up with a rather ingenious plan to occupy their evening - I bought tickets to an event which is right up their aisle. I felt so mortified just buying the tickets, I paid cash so they couldn't trace it back to me.
Waitress
Excuse me, people! Did somebody leave some tickets back here?
Frasier
Oh, good Lord! [shouting and running:] Yes!
Waitress
Something called, "Nashville on Ice!"
Frasier
Right here. [trying to get them off]
Waitress
[reading:] "Ice skating country jamboree."
Frasier
[takes tickets; off the crowd's grins:] Oh, don't look so smug - try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart's breaking!
Sherry
I can't believe you scored tickets to that. You are well- connected in this town.
Frasier
Well, actually these are gifts for you and dad.
Martin/Sherry
[excited:] Oh, that's great.
Frasier
I hope you're free.
Martin
[takes tickets:] Well, we are now! Wow, Frasier, thanks. Look at this, rink side.
Sherry
[to Niles:] Oh, what's that on your cheek?
Sherry
My lips!
Niles
Oh, look at the time, I have to go.
Sherry
Oh, it seems that everytime I see you, you're just leaving.
Niles
Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... [excusing:] have my therapy group meeting... and last time I was late the, er, compulsive gamblers were betting the passive/aggressors that they couldn't make the overeaters... cry.
Martin
Well, you two take a seat here, I'll get us a couple of coffees!
Sherry
You know how I like it - hot and sweet.
Martin
Yeah, but how do you like your coffee?
Sherry
[laughs before sitting with Frasier:] Is he always that funny?
Frasier
Oh, yes. [polite laugh]
Roz
That damn soap dispenser - I just gave it a good tap and splat! [points to mark on shirt]
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry. Roz Doyle, my producer, you haven't met my dad's inamorata, Sherry Dempsey.
Roz
I normally look a lot better than this!
Sherry
Oh now, you don't have to be self-conscious around me, hon. We all have our bad days once we pass forty! [laughs] Nice seeing you. [goes to counter where Martin is]
Roz
[confused:] What did she say?
Frasier
Oh, who cares?! The least I can do to lengthen out a few precious moments of silence without her underfoot. The woman's practically moved in with me.
Roz
What did she say? [sits]
Frasier
Be calm now, come on. You may not look your best today but there's a man sitting right over there - he can't keep his eyes off of you.
Roz
[modest:] Oh, where?
Frasier
Right over there. [points]
Roz
[worried:] Oh my God, that's John Coughlin from my high school! [praying:] Oh dear God, please don't let him recognize me. I swear I'll never leave the house unbeautiful again!
John
[coming over:] Roz?
Roz
[to God:] Thanks for listening!
John
Roz Doyle? It's me, John Coughlin.
Roz
[nice:] Hi John, look at you.
John
Look at you!
Roz
I hardly recognised you with that moustache! Oh Frasier, I'm sorry. This is John Coughlin, Frasier Crane. So did you just move to Seattle?
John
No, I'm out here for a week on business - now it's back to Wisconsin. Remember Marcy?
Roz
Yeah.
John
She's getting married on Saturday.
Roz
No kidding!
John
Well, I'm late for a meeting but it was great running into you, I can't wait to tell the whole gang I saw you.
Roz
You don't have to do that!
Roz
Frasier, that guy was the biggest gossip in my home town. He saw me with my hair all sweaty, my sweatshirt full of soap! Oh God, what could be worse?
Frasier
Well, here's a hint: Got Milk?
Roz
[finds moustache:] Oh, no!
Frasier
At first, I was terribly nervous about hosting these things, but it seems to be going rather well.
Niles
Not for me. I haven't made in-roads with a single woman here.
Frasier
[confused:] What are you doing? You look nauseated!
Niles
That woman is flirting with me, this is my "I'm available" face.
Frasier
Stop it! My God, people'll think the shrimp is bad. Alright, which one?
Niles
Er... at nine � clock: blonde hair, blue dress. [the woman heads toward them] Oh, now ten � clock... 11 � clock... oh Mama, high noon.
Adair
I'm sorry, I have to leave early. I just wanted to let you know what a lovely time I had.
Frasier
Oh well, thank you, it's good to see you. Have you met my brother, Dr. Niles Crane?
Niles
[still with face on:] Enchanted.
Adair
Hi. [notices face:] Are you feeling okay?
Niles
[deflated] Bad shrimp. [Frasier hits him]
Adair
Oh. [to Frasier:] I so enjoyed our chat about Brecht, I'm just sorry we didn't get to finish it.
Frasier
Oh, me too.
Adair
Um... [laughs self-consciously:] I never do this - but if you'd like to give me a call sometime, I'd like that. [gives him her card] You don't have to call me, only if you want to, and we can talk about other, non-Brecht things... you see why I never do this?
Frasier
Well, I'm certainly glad that you did it with me. [laughs]
Adair
Nice meeting you, Miles.
Niles
[angry:] Okay.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, who's that gentleman over there?
Frasier
[notices:] Oh, that's Matthew Apinnion - he's one of the theatre's biggest benefactors.
Daphne
Well, I just caught him back in my bedroom.
Frasier
Well, I'm sure he just wandered in there by mistake.
Daphne
He was trying on my shoes!
Frasier
Interesting piece of information. Something tells me that the theatre's going to get that new sound system.
Kimberly
On behalf of Seattle's Theatre Ensemble, I would like to thank Dr. Frasier Crane, for hosting tonight's benefit. But before we say goodnight, let's try and coax him into saying a few words.
Frasier
Alright. Er... Alexander Pope once wrote that the theatre "aspires to wake the soul by tender strokes of art, to raise the genius and to mend the heart." I'd like to say that it's my privelege to help ensure the survival of this noble calling. And, er, thank you all for coming and I'll see you on the opening night of "Run For Your Wife!"
Leslie
Well, that was terrific. Are you always this eloquent?
Frasier
Oh well, hardly. My Muse, alas, is somewhat ephemeral.
Leslie
Well, Dr. Crane, I'm glad to meet you. Leslie Wellman, we met earlier.
Frasier
Leslie, of course.
Leslie
Well, I have to run but... I hope I'm not being too forward - I'd love it if you'd give me a call sometime.
Frasier
I'd be delighted too.
Leslie
Here's my card.
Frasier
Thank you. [pockets it]
Frasier
Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I saw you talking with?
Niles
[excited:] As a matter of fact it was. I've been admiring her all evening, so I steeled myself and asked her if she would be free next week.
Frasier
And?
Niles
Well, her lips said "no" but her eyes said "read my lips." [mad:] I suppose you came over here to gloat because a woman came onto you.
Frasier
Not hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because two women came onto me!
Niles
Two?!
Frasier
My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
Niles
I think I feel a fur ball coming up. Tell me your second conquest wasn't that haughty filly in the white dress - Kimberly Egan.
Frasier
No, no, no, your path is clear.
Niles
[thinking:] Oh... what's the point? I can't take another rejection!
Frasier
Well Niles, I'll tell you what. Seeing as how Cupid has so amply stocked my quiver this evening, I shall try and shine on your behalf.
Niles
[nearly sick:] Oh my God, you're unbearable!
Frasier
Kimberly, good evening.
Kimberly
Frasier. Thank you again for tonight. You really are a wonderful host.
Frasier
Thank you. Listen, I don't usually do this sort of thing but there's a gentlemen here tonight who's rather taken with you. He's an eligible doctor, he's just a bit shy about coming over and expressing those interests to you.
Kimberly
[taken aback:] Oh, that is so sweet! [knowingly:] Well, you tell your bashful friend, he needn't be so coy. I'd love to go out with you some time, Frasier. [hands him her card] Call me tomorrow.
Frasier
[Niles comes over] Oh, do you know my brother?
Kimberly
Oh, of course I do. [shakes Niles's hand] Nice seeing you again, Miles! [Niles grits his teeth]
Doug
[v.o.:] Anyway, Dr. Crane, I've spent months now sending out resumés, pounding the pavement, but nothing.
Frasier
Well Doug, it's possible you're simply going through a dry spell. Good Lord, it happens to all of us. Months go by with nothing, then completely out of the blue you get not one but three offers, without doing anything. Not just for any jobs either, but for desirable ones, with ample salaries and fabulous perks. Be patient. Finding employment is much like dating - opportunities come along when you least expect them.
Doug
Thanks, Dr. Crane. Actually, dating is the one area I don't have any problems in. Right now, I've got two women interested in me.
Frasier
Two? Well, that must make you the envy of MOST men! [laughs] Well, that's all for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. [signs off]
Roz
Alright, you've compared dating to unemployment, claustrophobia and bedwetting. Is there anything you'd like to tell me?
Frasier
Ask me if I'm free this weekend.
Roz
Well, obviously...
Frasier
Roz, ask me, come on. And let me remind you, it's a three- day weekend.
Roz
[put on:] Are you free this weekend?
Frasier
No, I have a date this evening. And I've got a date tomorrow night. Oh, and let me check my calendar for Sunday. [checks it:] Oh yes, another date! [laughs]
Roz
Good, not bad!
Frasier
[excited:] Not bad?! If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown!
Roz
I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.
Frasier
[lost some happiness:] It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that! Alright, I concede.
Roz
Alright, good. Will you help me with something?
Frasier
Sure.
Roz
Okay, do you think it's weird to send a wedding present to someone you haven't seen or spoken to in eighteen years?
Frasier
Well, it's a bit unusual but it's sweet nonetheless.
Roz
Okay, what about if the wedding gift happens to be a sterling silver picture frame, [holding it up] and inside that happens to be a glamour photo of me?
Frasier
Roz, does this have something to do with an old high-school chum you ran into yesterday during your holiday from hygiene?
Roz
I know, it all sounds so silly to you, but you don't understand. Frasier, I group up in a tiny town and I still care about what those people think of me and John Coughlin will go back there and totally trash me!
Frasier
Come on, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. Do you really care what impressions people in your past have about you?
Roz
I guess not.
Frasier
[into phone:] Hello? Why-y-y, Norm Peterson, you old horse thief! [laughs] Thanks for calling back so soon. Well... just guess who's got three dates this weekend!
Daphne
[into phone:] Hi, is this Johnny's Steakhouse? Yeah, I'd like a table for two at eight � clock. Sure, no problem, I'll hold.
Frasier
[confused:] What the hell are you doing?
Daphne
[still in accent:] Making dinner reservations.
Frasier
Not that, the voice.
Daphne
[still:] I'm trying my American.
Frasier
You're certainly trying this American!
Daphne
[still, into phone:] Anything on the patio? Alright, cool. I'll see you then.
Daphne
You see, I'm just sick of people making such a fuss about my accent. I like to be able to blend in on occasion, so I'm learning to speak American.
Frasier
And who is your tutor, a drag queen?
Daphne
You know, it's not very kind of you to mock me. Especially after I've agreed to clear out for your big date.
Frasier
Yes, alright, thank you, Daphne - very much.
Daphne
[American:] I'll see you later. [Manchester:] You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"'s!
Frasier
Try hauling it out of here!
Frasier
Kimberly, hello.
Kimberly
Hello. [enters:] Frasier, it's so nice to see you again.
Frasier
Oh, well let me take your things. [takes them to coat rack]
Kimberly
Thank you again for hosting the benefit.
Frasier
Oh, well thank you again for chairing. Listen, did we make as much money as we hoped to?
Kimberly
Well, we haven't tallied all of it but I'm guessing the evening will exceed our wildest expectations.
Frasier
My favorite sort of evening. [laughs]
Kimberly
Oh, I can admire this view for hours.
Frasier
[staring at her:] As could I. [hands her a glass:] Here we are - some wine, perhaps?
Kimberly
Thank you.
Frasier
To... Possibilities. [they clink glasses]
Kimberly
So, tell me: how did you become interested in the theatre?
Frasier
Well, actually I first caught the acting bug back at prep school. The very first production I ever did was "A Mid- Summer Night's Dream." Not to toot my own horn but my Bottom recieved a standing ovation.
Kimberly
[taking the ulterior meaning:] I'm not surprised.
Frasier
[laughs as they sit:] And you? How did you get involved?
Kimberly
Well, I worked in a lot of charities. I actually founded one that promotes pet adoption.
Frasier
Really?
Kimberly
I'm quite the dog lover. You?
Frasier
[lying:] Heavens, yes. You know, I have dream of some day owning a big house in the country where I can have as many dogs as I like.
Kimberly
I just love a man who loves animals. Is it too much to ask that you are also a vegetarian?
Frasier
I just recently became one!
Martin
Hey, Fras'. The pharamcy left your ointment with the doorman.
Sherry
Somebody has a date! [covering:] Don't worry honey, it's just for prickly heat.
Frasier
Well, thank you, Sherry. Kimberly Egan, this is my father Martin Crane, and this is his companion Sherry Dempsey.
Sherry
Can I tempt you to some Peppermint Schnaps? It really settles the tummy.
Frasier
Yes, as much as I could use that right now, I think I'll pass.
Martin
Oh hey, sweetie, tell them that joke you told down at the bar. When she told it I did an honest-to-God spit take. I'm not kidding you. So much beer gushed out of there I was like Mt. St. Pauliga.
Frasier
Well, actually I don't think...
Sherry
Okay, this really horny 80 year-old man goes into a confession box...
Martin
[to Kimberly:] You're not Catholic, are you?
Kimberly
Yes, I am.
Martin
Oh, then you're really going to love it! [laughs]
Sherry
So anyway this horny old guy...
Frasier
You know, Sherry, I think we've both heard this joke.
Sherry
Ohhh, Marty, I think we're cramping somebody's style. [remembers:] Oh hey, before I forget, this is for you. [hands Frasier a small box] I couldn't finish my veal chops. [to Kimberly] If you want to know the way to this man's heart, that is his favourite dish.
Kimberly
[angry:] Veal?!
Frasier
[covering:] Free range!
Martin
Well, hey listen, we're just going to take the dog for a walk. Eddie? [shouting:] Eddie??
Martin
[angry:] Oh, you locked him in the back room again, didn't you?
Kimberly
[outraged:] What?!
Martin
Oh, listen to him! He's crying, that poor little thing.
Kimberly
Well, I guess you'll need a lot of extra room in that dream house to lock up all those dogs.
Frasier
Good, we can joke about this. Kimberly, please, can I at least call you in a few days?
Frasier
Go ahead!
Sherry
Good morning, handsome.
Martin
Yeah, hi. I was wondering when you were getting up. Hungry?
Sherry
Well, a litte bit. [opens fridge:] How about some Chinese?
Martin
Chinese for breakfast? Who eats that?
Sherry
About a billion Chinese people. [they laugh, Martin less so]
Martin
Alright, I'll get the plates and forks.
Sherry
Look, why don't we do it authentic this time. Get the chopsticks!
Martin
No, I don't want to.
Sherry
Come on.
Martin
[irritated:] I don't feel like it.
Sherry
Oh, just try it one time - it's not hard.
Martin
[getting mad:] It's not a question of hard - I just don't like using them, they don't work.
Sherry
Well, they've been around a lot longer than forks.
Martin
Well, our hands have been around a lot longer than that, why don't we just eat everything with our fingers?!
Sherry
Oh, somebody's in a mood!
Martin
I'm not in a mood.
Sherry
You are.
Martin
Look, I just don't like you telling me to do things that I really don't want to do! [tries to smile]
Sherry
Fine, I will never mention the word "chopsticks" again. [to herself:] So touchy!
Martin
Thanks for taking what I said so seriously!
Sherry
Marty! [enters kitchen with him]
Frasier
So, Sherry's not there for longer than thirty seconds and she chases Kimberly right out of the apartment.
Daphne
[American accent:] Gee, I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. That woman sure can be difficult.
Frasier
Look, this accent thing's getting downright annoying! Well anyway, I've been trying to call Kimberly all day to apologize...
Frasier
What are you doing?
Daphne
[Manchester:] Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security.
Frasier
There's a hidden camera up there?
Daphne
Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at.
Frasier
[angry:] Oh!
Frasier
Oh fine, Sherry's still here! You know, she stays later each morning and more nights each week! It's not what I had in mind when I moved in here. It's bad enough I have to deal with Eddie and Dad and... [realizes who he's talking to:] their shenanigans!
Sherry
I can't believe you're getting upset over nothing.
Martin
Well, I don't consider it nothing.
Sherry
I think we should talk about this.
Martin
I dont want to talk about it.
Sherry
To not talk about it is just plain stupid!
Martin
Oh, so I'm stupid now, am I?
Frasier
They're arguing. [hopeful:] Could there be trouble in paradise?
Daphne
This is awkward. Should we let them know we are here?
Frasier
No, they might stop!
Martin
When did you get back?
Frasier
Just now.
Sherry
Oh, well don't worry, we were just talking.
Martin
We're finished talking. [exits to bedroom]
Sherry
Maybe you have. Marty, I think we should talk about it. [exits with him]
Martin
[o.s.:] Well, I don't want to.
Frasier
I've never heard them talking like that before. Dare I get my hopes up?
Daphne
Don't count on it. Once an argument moves into the bedroom, a woman can always get the man to make up.
Frasier
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Daphne
Oh come on now: men and women have been having this conversation for centuries. The woman always says, "do we always have to fight?"
Frasier
Well, the man would say, "well it's your own fault, you started it!
Daphne
Can't we at least talk this out? [sits on the couch] Come on, sit with me on the bed.
Frasier
I don't feel like sitting!
Daphne
Do you have to be so cold?
Frasier
Well, you made me angry!
Daphne
[crying:] You could at least put your arms around me!
Frasier
Oh Daphne, I'm sorry...
Frasier
You're right. We're made up already.
Daphne
Well, at least they'll be in a good mood when they come out. There's nothing like make-up sex.
Frasier
Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up sex.
Daphne
Well of course, they're probably at it...
Frasier
[stops her:] My dad and Sherry do not have sex!
Sherry
So long kids, it was nice knowing you.
Frasier
Did that actually just happen?
Daphne
I guess I called that one wrong.
Daphne
Is everything alright?
Martin
Oh yeah, fine, it was a long time coming.
Frasier
Are you okay with this?
Martin
Well yes, I mean I'm not jumping up and down but I think it's better for both of us - yes.
Frasier
Are you sure?
Martin
Yeah, yeah, Sherry and I had a lot of laughs but you know there's a lot of things about her that bugged me, and Lord knows I'm sure she was bugged by a lot of things that I did. So, well, no really, this is fine. Fine. [exits to kitchen]
Daphne
He seems to be taking it very well!
Frasier
Perhaps I should go see if he feels like talking about it.
Frasier
[into phone:] Hello? Oh yes, hi, Niles. Well, actually it isn't a very good time. No, well dad and Sherry just broke up. He seems to be taking it okay, I guess. Oh no, I don't think it's appropriate. Well, it's just too soon for us to be celebrating right now.
Frasier
[answering] It's still too soon, Niles! [hangs up]