Love Bites Dog

Bulldog

Baby, baby. All I'm saying is we should cool it for a while. What's that saying... er... if you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you... yadda, yadda, yadda? Yeah, that's it. Don't get me wrong, I'm really broken up about this.

Bulldog

[still on the phone] Come on now. No tears. I'll never forget you either, Sandy. Linda? Really? I thought I was talking to your sister. Oh well, tell her same goes. [hangs up]

Roz

Hey Frasier, do you have a minute?

Frasier

Yes, of course, Roz. What is it?

Roz

Well, you're not going to like this idea. You're going to complain and make up excuses and then say no anyway.

Frasier

Those are the very words I would use to woo my dear Lilith.

Roz

OK, here goes. I have this friend and I think you two would really hit it off...

Frasier

And you were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and then after that who knows where?

Roz

Yes, exactly.

Frasier

[suddenly gets concerned] Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that?

Roz

What?

Frasier

If you listen very carefully you can actually hear my skin crawling!

Roz

I know, blind dates stink. But she's my friend and I'm worried about her.

Frasier

Oh, Roz.

Roz

When was the last time you were with a woman? Seems like almost a year.

Frasier

Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... [thinking] er... well, let's see... Well, the tree was still up. Oh, God!

Roz

Her name is Sharon. She's five-seven...

Frasier

Oh Roz, I'm not interested.

Roz

But she's an incredible person. She's smart, she's funny, she's a former pro-golfer. She just hasn't met the right guy.

Frasier

A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy?

Roz

She dates men.

Frasier

[picks up his briefcase] Not this one.

Roz

She plays chess. She loves your show. [he leaves through the door] And I know this sort of thing isn't supposed to matter to people like you but I've seen her in the showers at the gym and she has a body that makes Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley!

Frasier

[poking his head back round the door] A chess player, did you say?

Martin

Look at these pants.

Daphne

Oh dear, Mr. Crane. Did Eddie drag you through the puddles again?

Martin

Every last one of them. [looks outside in the hall] Eddie, get in here. Eddie, I mean now! [A very sheepish Eddie walks in slowly, keeping his head down] What am I going to do with you? My favourite shoes are soaked. Eddie, look at me when I'm talking to you.

Daphne

You're doing it again.

Martin

What?

Daphne

You're acting like one of those nut jobs in the park who treat their pets like children.

Martin

Yeah? Well, when you do it outside you're a nut. When you do it inside it's your own damn business. Eddie, go to your room! [Eddie runs off]

Daphne

Don't worry about your shoes. I'll get them all dried out for you.

Martin

Well, I hope. They're not just any shoes, you know. These are Mocarbies - the most comfortable shoes made. Air- cushioned in-soles, deep flannel lining. You know, I remember one anniversary I surprised Hester with a pair of Lady Mocarbies. I don't remember which anniversary, but I know it ended with a zero.

Daphne

I don't doubt that!

Martin

Oh, all right, I forgive you. I love you too.

Martin

You'll always be my very best boy.

Frasier

You know, Dad, there are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dog?

Martin

New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl?

Frasier

Well, if you must know I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal.

Martin

Well, congratulations. What's it been? A year?

Frasier

It has not been that long!

Martin

I remember the tree was still up.

Daphne

Well, look at you all dressed up.

Frasier

Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while.

Daphne

Thanks, that reminds me. I have to order my cards.

Frasier

[examining the microwave] Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave?

Daphne

Oh, no!

Martin

My Mocarbies!

Daphne

I didn't mean to leave them in there so long.

Frasier

Yes, well, English cooking strikes again!

Frasier

Well, I think you should be happy that one of your patients feels healthy enough to terminate his therapy.

Niles

I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits. Deep financial straits. Look at this belt: [opens up his jacket before whispering] Spanish leather!

Frasier

Yes, well if Mr. Blackwell comes in I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.

Niles

Obviously the time has come for me to expand my practice, so I'm placing an ad in the Seattle "Style" magazine.

Frasier

An advertisement? Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?

Niles

Said Dr. Pot to Dr. Kettle! Besides, a highly respected obstetrician on my floor did it and now his waiting room has more swollen bellies than a Buddhist temple. [laughs at his joke before handing Frasier the ad] I'm on my way to call it in. I just wanted to run it by you.

Frasier

All right. [reading ad] "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts." Well, that's just excellent, Niles. All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!

Niles

Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus. [gets up to leave] I'm off.

Roz

Hey, wild thing.

Niles

Yes, hello.

Roz

Look, we have on the same belt.

Niles

[horrified] Oh my God!

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Hey, Frasier. OK, Sharon's gonna be here any minute.

Frasier

You didn't say anything to her?

Roz

No, not a word. She has no idea this is a set-up.

Frasier

Good, good. Now, listen. If I don't like her I will simply excuse myself and leave. But if I do like her I will find some polite and discrete way of hinting to you that you may go...

Roz

Hi, Sharon!

Frasier

Beat it, Roz!

Sharon

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Look who I ran into. My boss — Dr. Frasier Crane. Frasier, this is Sharon Payton

Sharon

Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm a big fan of your show.

Frasier

Thank you.

Sharon

I'm sure you're tired of hearing that. You probably get it all the time.

Frasier

Oh, well, not lately!

Roz

Listen, Sharon, I'm so sorry to do this to you but I just got a call from the office and it's urgent and I have to go.

Sharon

Oh, sure, that's all right.

Frasier

Well, you know, as long as you're here you might as well join me.

Sharon

That'd be nice.

Roz

OK.

Frasier

Bye, Roz.

Sharon

You know, I really do love listening to your show. I think it's because you have such a soothing voice.

Frasier

[smooth] What a kind thing to say.

Sharon

I even called in once.

Frasier

Really? May I ask what the problem was?

Sharon

Well, I'm terribly competitive, which is great for sports - I used to play pro-golf — but sometimes it seeps into my personal life.

Frasier

Ah, well, I don't think that's too great a problem, but if I were to make a recommendation it might be to start seeing a therapist.

Bulldog

Whoa! Hello, gorgeous.

Frasier

Hello, Bulldog.

Bulldog

Not you. Hey, aren't you gonna introduce me?

Frasier

Well, actually I wasn't, no!

Bulldog

[introducing himself] Bob Briscoe.

Sharon

[shaking hands] Sharon Payton.

Frasier

Yes, good to see you, Bulldog. [trying to push him away] Don't be a stranger.

Bulldog

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Sharon Payton - I know you. [grabs the nearest seat that happens to have someone sitting on it] LPGA. You won the Denver Open in 1992.

Frasier

1992? You know, that's a fabulous year for a particular Chambertin I took a shine too...

Sharon

[ignoring Frasier and speaking to Bulldog] I know you too. You're that guy that says golf is not a sport.

Bulldog

Well, it's not.

Sharon

Really?

Bulldog

Yeah. No cheerleaders, no blood and the only cups involved are in the ground!

Frasier

You know, this reminds me of a debate I had with my brother Niles about whether or not Steven Sondheim is really light opera...

Sharon

You know, I have a theory that people who put down golf do so because they can't play well.

Bulldog

Is that a challenge?

Sharon

It might be.

Bulldog

If we leave right now we can get in 9 holes.

Sharon

Loser buys dinner.

Bulldog

I got a 9 handicap.

Sharon

You're on. [turns to Frasier] Frasier, would you like to join us?

Frasier

Well, no, I don't play.

Sharon

Well, it was really nice meeting you.

Frasier

Likewise.

Sharon

I'll get my coat.

Frasier

Bulldog! Roz set this up that I might meet Sharon. Until you got here things were going in a very positive direction.

Bulldog

Yeah, well, things seem to have changed, haven't they? What do you eggheads call that? Irony?

Frasier

Is there nothing I can do to appeal to your sense of decency?

Bulldog

Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced!

Martin

...but the real secret to Mocarbies is that they mold themselves to the shape of your foot. Now my problem was always hammer toes. If you had hammertoes you had a hell of a time buying shoes. But Mocarbies fit over my hammer toes like a glove. Funny, you know? When you're young you dream about fame and fortune. When you get to my age all you really want out of life is a comfy pair of shoes.

Daphne

Right now I'd settle for never hearing the words "hammer toes" again!

Martin

Hey, don't give me any attitude. Wasn't me that nuked the Mocarbies.

Daphne

I'm not the one who can't remember where the store is where you bought the damn shoes.

Martin

Just drive. I'll tell you when to stop... STOP!

Daphne

[braking, looking out the window] Is that it?

Martin

It's a red light! In this country we stop for those.

Daphne

All right, all right.

Martin

Woman driver!

Daphne

Hammer toes!

Roz

[punching Frasier on the arm] Frasier.

Frasier

What? Oh, oh. Haven't you spoken with Sharon?

Roz

I tried but she wasn't home all weekend. [punching Frasier on the arm] Frasier!

Frasier

Look, before you snap my behind with a wet towel, last time I saw Sharon she was leaving Café Nervosa with Bulldog.

Roz

[punching Frasier violently on the arm] Frasier! How could you let that happen?

Frasier

Well, I don't know. The whole thing was sort of a blur. We were talking about golf and something called a handicap, the next thing I know I'm sitting there with a cappuccino muttering to myself in a very soothing voice.

Roz

I'm sorry.

Frasier

It's all right, Roz. It's just the whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.

Roz

[sarcastic] Get out!

Frasier

Jocks were the bane of my existence. They would always call me a "weenie" and steal all the girls that I wanted.

Roz

Oh Frasier, you must have had some girlfriends.

Frasier

Friends, yeah, yeah. Any time they wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry on, until some blond-headed pillar of testosterone would come by and it was, "Bye Frasier, we can study later." I'd head home to Niles and we'd put on "The Brandenberg Concertos" and play air violin.

Roz

Jeez, what a couple of Nerdlingers!

Frasier

I suppose you were Miss Popular at High School?

Roz

I would say yes.

Frasier

I'm guessing that explains why, too!

Bulldog

Hey guys. What a weekend...

Roz

Listen, Bulldog. Sharon is my friend and you'd better not hurt her!

Bulldog

Hurt? Hurt her? [swaying] I'm crazy about her! I never felt this way before. You know, on my way to work, all these songs on the radio suddenly made sense to me? Have you ever listened to the words to "Time in a Bottle"? It's so beautiful, man; I had to pull over.

Roz

[horrified] Oh my God. It's in love!

Bulldog

[holding Frasier and Roz's hands] Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words — "stay for breakfast."

Frasier

[appalled] You had sex with Sharon?

Bulldog

Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her. [picks up the phone] No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. [slams phone down] But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her. [picks up phone] No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that. [puts phone down] I shouldn't call her. But I want to! [picks up phone before putting it down again] Doc, what should I do?!

Frasier

[by now thoroughly mystified] Don't ask me. I don't even know who you are!

Martin

This was it. This was the Mocarbies store. Now it's gone, and so are the only shoes I've ever loved.

Daphne

Mr. Crane, look at me. We're talking here about something that's old and smelly and dirty.

Tramp

Hey!

Martin

Not you. We're talking about Mocarbies.

Tramp

Ah! Great shoes. They used to sell them here.

Martin

What happened to the store?

Tramp

Moved.

Daphne

Do you know where?

Tramp

Yeah. It'll cost you.

Martin

[going into his pocket] How much?

Tramp

Not money. I want a kiss.

Daphne

[horrified] What?

Martin

You heard him.

Daphne

Mr. Crane!

Martin

You heard him. You owe me. It's only a kiss.

Tramp

Not her. [smiles at Martin]

Frasier

This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780 Talk radio.

Niles

I thought you'd never finish.

Frasier

You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner with a lot of martinis?

Niles

Sounds great, except for the dinner part!

Frasier

I take it you had a bad day too?

Niles

I had an abysmal day. Remember the ad I placed?

Frasier

Oh yes - "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist," blah blah blah.

Niles

Yes. Well, they've made a tiny little typo. See if you can find it. [hands Frasier the magazine]

Frasier

[reading] "Dr. Niles Crane..." [a look of realisation] "Hung specialist." Oh, my!

Niles

The rest they got perfectly. [continues reading] "Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed." [looks at Frasier with a sorrowful face] "Tell me where it hurts!"

Frasier

Well... any calls?

Niles

It's a telethon, Frasier.

Frasier

Yes. We'll start with double martinis.

Bulldog

Hey Doc, wait a second. I need the name of one of those fancy restaurants you go to. [into phone] Hey, hi Sharon. It's me, Bob. I had a great time last night. Listen, how about dinner tonight? You do? All right, how about tomorrow night? Hey, it's a good thing I'm not paranoid — I'd think you were dumping me! [pause] Whoa, I walked into that one! Yeah, me too. Good luck, Sharon. [hangs up]

Frasier

I'm sorry, Bulldog.

Niles

[placing his hands supportively on Bulldog's shoulders] Me too. [moves Bulldog away from the phone] I'll call Francois, see if he can get us a table on the patio.

Pete

[poking his head out the booth] Ten seconds, Bulldog.

Bulldog

[running into the booth] Oh, right, right.

Frasier

[following him in] Bulldog — are you going to be all right?

Bulldog

Me? Huh, are you kidding? I'm the Bulldog!

Bulldog

Attention, sports fans, you're in the Doghouse! [barks, but breaks off midway] First, some weekend scores. In football the Packers crushed the Saints [stuttering] 42 to 10 and the 49ers humiliated [nearly in tears] the Patriots 35 to 7. And in golf...

Bulldog

Golf? Hey, golf sucks. Let's go to calls. [puts a caller through] Hey, you're in the Doghouse. Put on a flea collar!

Niles

We have the table, Frasier, but Francois says he can only hold it for ten minutes.

Frasier

[brushing Niles off] In a minute.

Jerry

[v.o.] What's up with the rumour that the Seahawks are thinking of leaving Seattle again?

Bulldog

I have no respect for them, man. Anyone who has their fun, then they [nearly in tears again] just leave you... hey, to hell with them, right? We'll get another team. A team that- a team that will never leave us... [breaks down completely into tears] ...a team we can love forever.

Roz

You gotta go to commercial.

Pete

I already did.

Frasier

[rushing into the booth] Bulldog, are you going to be all right? Do you think you can take the show?

Roz

Wait, Bulldog. We need a tape. Where's "The Best of Bulldog"?

Bulldog

[weeping] She took the best of Bulldog!

Pete

We got dead air in fifteen seconds.

Roz

Great. OK, I'll go get Bulldog. [turns to Frasier] You take over the show.

Frasier

Me? A sports show?

Roz

[rushing out] You're the only one here.

Frasier

OK, sports enthusiasts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. [bangs a cymbal] You're on the air.

Mike

[v.o.] This is Mike. I wanted to talk to Bulldog but you'll do. So what's your take on the damn Yankees this season?

Frasier

Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation, or the baseball team of which I know nothing?

Mike

What a weenie! [hangs up]

Frasier

Doesn't that take me back? But he brings up a good point. You see, while I'm on the air, please feel free to call up about anything other than sports. Please. [takes a call] Hello, you're on the air.

Jake

[v.o.] Yeah. You think it was a good idea for the Sonics to give up those draft choices so they could free up some money under the cap, you know, to go after a wide body to help them in the paint?

Frasier

[staring straight ahead, completely and utterly lost] Yes! [takes another call] You're on the air.

Roz

Bulldog, I know you're in there. Get out here! [turns to see the man who doesn't look pleased to see her] Oh, give me a break, Leonard — like you haven't fantasized about this moment.

Bulldog

Go away, Roz.

Roz

Will you grow up? So you got dumped. You got a little payback for the way you've treated women all your life. Besides, the Bulldog I know doesn't get sad. He gets angry.

Bulldog

You're right! [shouting violently:] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL... [breaks down again] ...total B.S.

Roz

If you don't come out in the next thirty seconds I'm going to reach in there and grab you out by your ankles!

Niles

Hello, Roz. Playing hard to get?

Roz

It's Bulldog. You're a psychiatrist, help him.

Niles

As distressed as I am by his condition, he's not the only one who's suffering here. In eight minutes Frasier and I are going to lose our patio table.

Roz

Well, as long as Frasier is filling in for Bulldog you're not going anywhere.

Niles

You poor man. Help is at hand!

Bulldog

No, no shrinks. I hate shrinks. You're all a bunch of wimps, weirdos... [comes out the cubicle and collapses in tears on Niles's shoulders] Help me!

Niles

There, there. I'm here for you. [pushes Bulldog away] And you're over there for me. Well, I sense you're in a great deal of pain.

Bulldog

Yeah. Make it stop.

Niles

No. The first step towards healing is not to bury the pain, but to feel it at its fullest depth.

Niles

OK, well before security arrives, let's skip onto step two.

Frasier

What is going on?

Niles

Excuse me, Bulldog. Frasier, please, we are in session.

Frasier

Look, Niles, we have to pull this man together in minutes, not in a lifetime!

Niles

How dare you talk to me like that!

Frasier

We don't have the time for this. Now get out!

Niles

All right, all right. Bulldog, I'm referring you to my brother. Frasier, I'll call Francois and tell him there's been a death in the family. That ought to buy us another ten minutes.

Frasier

All right, Bulldog. Look, we're on a newsbreak. You have got to pull yourself together, because there is no way I'm enduring anymore of that humiliation!

Bulldog

I'm not going out there, man.

Frasier

You have got to! I can't even decipher the abbreviations on the scoresheets. I'm guessing by your producer's guffaws that "IND" is not the Cleveland Independents!

Bulldog

I just never felt this way about a chick before. I was even thinking about me and her having kids. Isn't that scary?

Frasier

Positively bone chilling.

Bulldog

[weeping] It hurts like hell.

Frasier

I know, I know, Bulldog. You know, often through pain we can achieve emotional growth. It reminds me of a paper I recently presented to the Vancouver Psychiatric Association. The ground of my discourse was that the sufferer - i.e., you...

Bulldog

Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here! Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy.

Frasier

[thinking] Like a guy... Like a guy... [pauses for a moment] SCREW HER!

Bulldog

What?

Frasier

[angrily] Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash!

Bulldog

Yeah, that's right.

Frasier

You're better off without her, we both are!

Bulldog

I like the sound of this.

Frasier

Yeah, so do I. Unattractive yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit. [realising he's going off track] I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH!

Bulldog

Hey, she wasn't even that hot.

Frasier

You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!

Bulldog

[upbeat] I never thought about that.

Frasier

There you go!

Bulldog

I'm feeling a little better, Doc.

Frasier

That's right.

Bulldog

Thanks. It's great talking to you [holds out his hand]

Frasier

[shaking his hand] Likewise. You know I could talk like this for another [checks his watch] thirty seconds.

Frasier

She was nothing! She was less than nothing!

Bulldog

Yeah, right.

Frasier

Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter, and you know what you're gonna do?

Bulldog

What?

Frasier

You're gonna have your fun with her, and then you're gonna DUMP her just for the hell of it!

Bulldog

Yeah, DUMP HER!

Frasier

And you know what?! You're not gonna feel bad about it at all! And you know why?! BECAUSE WE'RE GUYS! AND THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO!!!!!

Niles

Distressing news, Frasier: Francois gave away our table.

Frasier

SCREW HIM!

Niles

[shocked] Excuse me?

Frasier

You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town! I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation!

Frasier

Thank you, Niles.

Niles

You're welcome.

Frasier

Yes, you know, if we hasten, perhaps we can catch the first seating at Cigar Volante.