Daphne Hates Sherry

Sherry

Morning, sunshine!

Frasier

Morning, Sherry.

Sherry

Coffee's on, want a cuppa?

Frasier

No thank you, caffeine only weakens the immune system. I'm fighting off a flu.

Sherry

Oh, I'm sorry. Let me get you some breakfast.

Frasier

No, no that's really not necessary.

Sherry

Oh, no, no, you'll feel much better once you've had my scrambled egg tacos and Spam patties.

Frasier

Yes, in keeping with the trusty adage, "starve a cold, disgust a fever."

Daphne

Tea and dry toast?

Frasier

Oh, bless you.

Sherry

Oh honey, I was using that!

Daphne

Oh, sorry.

Sherry

No problem. Listen, why don't you just relax? I'll clean up later.

Daphne

You know, not to criticise, but I usually serve Mr. Crane whole grain cereal for breakfast. I try to avoid giving him fried foods.

Sherry

Oh, Marty loves fried foods.

Daphne

Yes well, just because he likes something doesn't mean it's good for him.

Sherry

True, but just because something's good for him doesn't mean that he has to be stuck with it day after day.

Martin

It looks like it's going to be another scorcher.

Frasier

Hmm.

Martin

Radio said high nineties.

Frasier

[not interested] Yes, hot.

Martin

Yeah, well, I guess they'll be some more brown-outs. I hate to think what it'll do to the crops.

Frasier

Dad please, I'm trying to read.

Martin

Oh, sure, sorry. [reading:] Oh, another double homicide last night. You know, with this heat wave going I'm not surprised. I wonder what started that?

Frasier

Perhaps someone wouldn't stop talking about the weather.

Martin

What? Yeah, you might be right, it's a real scorcher out there.

Sherry

Morning, handsome! Did I say that before?

Martin

Before, and after!

Frasier

Please, would you two spare me the single entendre this morning? I'm trying to avoid getting sick.

Sherry

Well there's nothing like one of momma's big biscuits if you're fighting something off. [hands one to him]

Frasier

Yes, I'm sure with good aim it could bring down an elk!

Sherry

[to Daphne:] What about you, sweetie?

Daphne

Oh, just half of one for me.

Sherry

[places one on her plate:] Oh come on, wouldn't hurt you to put on a few pounds. Men like to see a little oomph in your walk-away.

Martin

Yeah, you ought to see them smile when Sherry leaves the room!

Daphne

I can imagine. [laughs with Frasier]

Sherry

[holds Daphne's face:] Oh, now, you're so pretty. I don't understand why men aren't just buzzing around you. Frasier, you're not seeing anybody. Here you are under the same roof, both cute as corn! Why don't you two...

Frasier

Just stop right there. I'm trying to have a peaceful morning and I do not want to be put on the spot, I do not want to eat some bizarre breakfast concoction, [to Martin:] and I do not want to discuss the weather. I just want to try and conserve energy, sit here, and enjoy my paper.

Martin

Sure, Fras.

Roz

I'm gonna break every bone in your bent little body!

Bulldog

Hey, if you weren't a girl and I didn't kinda like this, I'd be pounding ya!

Frasier

Bup-bup-bup! Not another word!

Roz

But he...!

Frasier

Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

Bulldog

Well, if you get sick don't go sneezing on everything. The last time the Happy Chef got a cold I was peeling lettuce off the mike for a week.

Roz

You will not believe what he...

Frasier

Hey! Roz, I meant what I said! I simply cannot deal with other people's problems today.

Roz

Well, good news for Mark on line three, whose wife is keeping a pumpkin in a bassinet! Hey, I know what'll make you feel better. My friend Lisa's having a singles party tonight. I'm supposed to bring someone who I'm not interested in but who's a really good catch.

Frasier

Oh... Roz, please, I need my rest. You know, even if I didn't, I do not want to be poked and prodded by a bunch of desperate, alcohol-lubricated husband-hunters.

Roz

Oh, come on, it'll be fun! [suggestively] Cheryl from Sales was asking if you'd be there.

Frasier

Cheryl - isn't she the one who, at the last company wedding, hip-checked you into the ice sculpture in her headlong rush to catch the bouquet?

Roz

That is not what happened! She thought the bartender said "last call."

Bulldog

Look Roz, I'm not going to fight you anymore. But I want you to know you said a lot of things that really hurt my feelings. Fun is fun, but I'm not made of stone. So I want you to know as of this moment, we work together but we are no longer friends!

Roz

Do you want to go to a party tonight?

Bulldog

I'm there!

Daphne

Ready to do your exercises?

Martin

No, in a minute.

Sherry

Just a couple more hands.

Daphne

You said that half an hour ago!

Sherry

[to Martin:] Guess I must be a bad influence.

Martin

Yeah, next thing you know you're going to have me smoking behind the gym! [they laugh]

Daphne

I'm sorry, but it's for your own good. I want you down on your back in two minutes and no arguments.

Martin

[to Sherry:] Sounds a lot better when you say it! [they laugh]

Daphne

Hello? Speaking. Oh, she did, did she? Well, Sherry was mistaken, I don't go out with people I've never met. Thank you anyway. [puts phone down] I can't believe it! You gave my number to a total stranger?!

Sherry

I thought it would be a nice surprise, you're not seeing anybody. Kenny is a great guy!

Daphne

He said his name was Jack.

Sherry

Oh, I forgot about Jack.

Daphne

There's more than one?!

Sherry

Well, I hope you're a lot nicer to Kenny when he calls. He has a boat!

Daphne

Why don't you just squeeze me into a pair of hot-pants and drop me off down by the docks?

Sherry

Maybe you wouldn't be so touchy if you didn't wake up on the wrong side of no one every morning.

Daphne

That's your answer to everything, sex! It's like you're part rabbit! People ought to rub your feet for luck!

Martin

Come on now, you don't want to say something you're going to regret! Now you're acting like a couple of fishwives! [they both stare at him, offended] See, I'm regretting that one already.

Daphne

Maybe I'd be less touchy if I didn't spend half my time cleaning up after you, and the other half on the phone to the garbage disposal repair man because one of your bloody big biscuits broke the blade!

Sherry

There's a lot of "B" words for a little girl. Here's one you forgot...

Sherry/Daphne

B-!/Oh, don't you dare!

Sherry

What do you mean don't I dare!

Frasier

Is Seattle experiencing a Prozac shortage?!

Martin

Oh, Daphne and Sherry have a little problem. Actually, maybe you can settle it.

Frasier

Sorry Dad, it was all I could do to get through my show. King Solomon has split his last baby for the day, my health is hanging by a thread. [they start to protest] Bup-bup-bup! You're just going to have to settle this amongst yourselves, quietly!

Daphne

You've got a lot of nerve talking to me that way!

Sherry

Me? You're the one who started it, didn't she, Marty?

Martin

Hey, you're not putting me in the middle of this.

Daphne

I didn't start anything. You've had your big conk in my business all day!

Sherry

That better mean "nose"!

Daphne

And what if it doesn't?

Martin

Hey! Come on, knock it off. Now, I said I wouldn't get involved in this, but... Daphne, you know, Sherry was only trying to be nice.

Daphne

[picks up her bag] Of course you'd take her side, she's the one who keeps your hammer toes warm at night.

Martin

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Daphne

Oh, figure it out!

Martin

Oh, come on, Daph...

Niles

Ow, ow! Baby, go to your perch, go to your perch.

Niles

Daphne?

Daphne

I'm so sorry to bother you, Dr. Crane, but I had an awful row with Sherry and I can't go back there. I tried a couple of my girlfriends, but they weren't home. So... may I spend the night here?

Daphne

Relax, Dr. Crane, I'm just unbuttoning your shirt.

Daphne

Are you feeling any better?

Niles

Yes. I don't know what happened, my knees never buckled like that before. The wine and the heat must have made me dizzy.

Daphne

Yes, it is rather steamy in here.

Niles

I apologise for the lack of air conditioning. It seems in order to live in an exclusive landmark building, one must have to sweat through the odd heat wave like a tortured character in a [trails off as Daphne lifts her shirt up over the fan] Tennessee... Williams... play.

Daphne

I can't imagine what you must be thinking. Me barging in, asking to stay the night... [bends over and lets the air blow down the front of her shirt]

Niles

Well, gee I'm just thinking so many things. [takes a long sip of his wine]

Daphne

Sherry just makes me so mad. [turns around and lets it blow up her back] She's been giving my number to strange men so they'd call and ask me out.

Niles

How dare she! Why would she do such a thing?

Daphne

Because she says I'm too rigid.

Niles

Nonsense!

Daphne

And that I'm too picky.

Niles

Poppycock!

Daphne

And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.

Niles

Just to play Devil's advocate...

Daphne

Don't tell me you agree with her!

Niles

No, no. It's much too hot for hell to have frozen over.

Daphne

I mean, it's like caveman thinking! "All Daphne needs is a quick roll in the hay!"

Niles

[turned on:] Yes, well...

Daphne

"A little slap and tickle would solve all her problems!"

Niles

Yeah, um...

Daphne

The worse part is... I think she might be right. Maybe part of why I got so mad at her is because she hit a nerve.

Niles

It's very possible.

Daphne

[lying back:] I mean, I have been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good China.

Niles

Someone should be eating off you everyday.

Niles

Hmm... music?

Daphne

Lovely.

Daphne

You know, I hope this doesn't sound terribly forward, but I'm so hot. I'd really love to get out of these sweaty clothes.

Daphne

Would it be all right if I took a cool bath?

Niles

Yes, of course. It's upstairs, third door on your left.

Daphne

Thank you. [runs up to the first balcony]

Niles

There are fresh towels in the linen closet - use the Indian cotton, it will be more gentle on your skin.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, you're always thinking of me. [she leaves]

Niles

[to himself:] You have no idea!

Daphne

Dr. Crane? Ooh, that fan feels good.

Niles

Oh, sorry!

Daphne

That's quite all right. Thanks for lending me your dressing gown. Don't you just love the feel of silk on your skin?

Niles

Yes, there's nothing quite like it. Passion fruit?

Daphne

Thank you! [sits on the couch and takes a bite] You know, if you keep treating me like this I'll never want to leave.

Niles

[laughs, then:] Champagne?

Daphne

Oh, you shouldn't have! [laughs]

Niles

I love champagne, but it's a drink for two and I never have anyone to share it with. [pours two]

Daphne

Yes, there are things you miss when you're on your own: champagne, another person's touch - even if it's just holding hands. I guess you've been missing that sort of thing too since you and Mrs. Crane split up. [touches Niles's hand]

Niles

Well actually, Maris never held hands. She had a slight webbing which made her self-conscious.

Daphne

Well, I'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.

Niles

Well, actually I still have a longing for... [she chuckles] I still have a desire for, um, to have...

Daphne/Niles

Sex?/[offering:] Fruit?

Niles

I mean, yeah, sex.

Daphne

I'd love some.

Daphne

[laughs:] I mean fruit! Although sex is good too!

Daphne

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, I guess I just have sex on the mind tonight!

Niles

Well, that happens.

Daphne

And this weather doesn't help, does it? [lays back:] The heat gets inside you... it makes you so aware of your body. It's like nature's way of letting you know you're still an animal.

Niles

God, it's hot in here.

Daphne

It seems to be getting hotter every minute.

Niles

[taking some ice from the wine cooler] Ice?

Daphne

Oh yes, I could use some right now.

Daphne

[Moaning:] Ohhh... Oh yes, that's better...

Daphne

Where's your piece?

Niles

[snaps out of it, opens his hand:] It melted. I'll get another.

Daphne

You know, unless it cools down, I'm afraid we won't be getting much sleep tonight.

Niles

Shame we have just the one fan.

Daphne

Oh, really? [plain:] Yes, that is a shame. The two of us and just one fan...

Daphne

Well of course, you're the host, you take it.

Niles

No, no, I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room all hot and... hot.

Daphne

Well... I suppose, under the circumstances... we could both sleep in the same room.

Niles

[his heart pounding:] It does... oscillate.

Daphne

[mouth wide open:] What?

Niles

The fan.

Daphne

Oh...

Daphne

Oh, dear.

Niles

What?

Daphne

It's time to take my pills. I forgot all about them, they're back at the apartment.

Niles

What pills?

Daphne

It's my thyroid. Nothing serious, it's just a bit overactive. If I don't take my pills I tend to faint dead away.

Niles

What's the point in a fainting couch if you can't use it once in a while?

Daphne

I'll just run over and get them. I'll come right back.

Niles

No! We'll go together and I'll run up for you. If you and Sherry get into the same room together the two of you might make up... [covering:] ...more reasons to fight with one another.

Sherry

Nilesy! Where did you come from?

Martin

What are you doing here?

Niles

Daphne's taken refuge at my apartment for the night. I just stopped by to get a few of her things. [moves away]

Martin

Back! You weren't going to tell us, you were going to let us worry all night?

Niles

No, I was going to tell you on my way out.

Martin

Oh this is stupid, I'm going to call her and get her back here and we're going to work this whole thing out.

Niles

Dad, it's a waste of time, she's so upset there is no way she'll ever set foot in this apartment tonight!

Niles

If you don't believe me, you can ask her yourselves.

Daphne

I just remembered, my pills aren't in the medicine cabinet, they're on my dresser.

Niles

What courage, pulling yourself together like this, just scurry on down to the car, and I'll only be a moment. [Martin holds him back]

Martin

Er Daphne, Sherry and I talked about this, and we really feel bad about this. You know, the whole thing is just a misunderstanding.

Sherry

If you want, I suppose we could sit down and talk it out.

Daphne

Well, I suppose we could.

Niles

Obviously these two wildcats can't come to terms. The best thing will be for them to be apart. I know, I'm a psychiatrist.

Sherry

No, your dad is right. Now Daphne just misunderstood.

Daphne

I didn't exactly misunderstand. You did set me up with a total stranger!

Sherry

Oh, but he's not a stranger, he comes in the bar all the time.

Daphne

Oh, a barfly! Much better.

Sherry

Oh, there you go again!

Daphne

Me!

Martin

[trying to mend] You know, you two are really a lot alike.

Both

How dare you!/I'm nothing like her.

Niles

[happy about the arguments, he runs to the medicine cabinet:] Talk amongst yourselves!

Martin

[o.s.] Frasier?

Frasier

[wakes up] I'm taking a bath.

Martin

Bubbles?!

Frasier

They're aromatherapeutic. And exactly what part of "I'm taking a bath" did you take to mean "come on in"?

Martin

Well, I'm sorry to tax your delicate system, but Daphne is back, and she and Sherry are at it again, and I don't know what to do and this is your department!

Frasier

Yes, all right, unless blood has been spilled, and on a carpeted area, I don't care. Now get out!

Sherry

[walks in:] There you are! Marty, I tried, but that girl has no manners whatsoever. [sits on bath] Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Do you mind!

Daphne

[entering:] I knew I'd find you in here! [to Frasier:] Whatever they're telling you about me, it's not true.

Frasier

Daphne, please, you can't come in here.

Daphne

Why not? She can!

Frasier

No, she can't, no-one can!

Niles

[entering with Daphne's things:] Frasier, have you no decency? Daphne, let's go!

Frasier

All right! I am moments away from succumbing once and for all to this flu. I am going to take one stab at this and then I am going to sink, Hippopotamus-like, beneath the bubbles. I think what this all comes down to is a dispute over turf. Daphne and Sherry are like two animals scent-marking their territory, which in this case is you, Dad.

Martin

You couldn't come out with a less disgusting comparison?

Frasier

All right, all right, fine, it's like the Roman emperor Tiberius, his mother Livia, and his wife Vipsania.

Martin

What?

Sherry

Huh?

Daphne

Who?

Niles

Go on.

Frasier

Fine! Daphne: your primary role in this household is to take care of Dad. Sherry: you also enjoy taking care of Dad. I suspect that your attempts to find Daphne a boyfriend are really an unconscious ploy to get her out of the way. [she starts to protest] It's unconscious.

Frasier

Daphne, naturally you are threatened by this and you feel you are no longer needed.

Daphne

Yes, I have been feeling a bit unwanted lately.

Niles

Well, a night without your services will have them singing a different tune, let's go.

Frasier

Nobody's going to be singing anything tonight! Daphne, I think we now all understand why you stormed out of here earlier. A strong emotion like not feeling wanted can drive anyone into a rash and impulsive act.

Daphne

[glances at Niles] Yes, it nearly did... I mean, yes it did.

Frasier

Well, at the root of this, you're both just feeling insecure.

Martin

Exactly!

Frasier

Though it could probably have been avoided if Dad had been sensitive enough to remind you that you are both important in his life.

Martin

What are you saying? That it's my fault?

Daphne

Well I must admit, a few reassuring words might just have done the trick.

Sherry

Marty does have difficulty expressing his feelings.

Martin

No, I don't!

Daphne

Oh, Sherry...

Sherry

Oh, save it honey, it wasn't our fault.

Martin

Yes, it was! [to Sherry:] You said that she was skinny and [to Daphne:] you said that she was big-mouthed.

Frasier

Now, that is not important. We all feel better now.

Martin

Well, I don't!

Frasier

Oh look, I am running out of patience, I am running out of strength, and I am running out of bubbles! Please, the lecture has ended!

Daphne

You're a good psychiatrist, Dr. Crane.

Sherry

You sure are, hon'. [as they leave:] You see, Marty, it isn't just a lot of hooey!

Niles

[sarcastic:] Thank you very much!

Frasier

Oh please, Niles. Look, unconsciously you knew it wasn't right. That's why you brought Daphne back here.

Niles

No, we came back to fetch her damn thyroid pills.

Frasier

You're a doctor. Why didn't you just use your prescription pad?

Niles

Oh my God...

Frasier

Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?

Niles

Oh my God!