Are You Being Served?

Frasier

Well, that's our show for today. But before we close I'd like to invite you all to join us here at KACL in wishing a fond farewell to our Happy Chef, Leo Pasquale, as he bubble-wraps his crepe pan and heads south towards sunny Santa Fe. Leo, you stirred us with your passion; melted us with your charm; added spice to our lives. Now as you whisk yourself away let's not say goodbye, but rather "tartar" for now. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.

Roz

[coming into the booth] Well, at least you stopped short of saying, "I'll be fricasseeing you." You ready to go to Leo's party?

Frasier

Oh, dear God, there is nothing I detest more than a KACL goodbye party. They're all the same — twist-top wine with a bunch of people standing round awkwardly trying to summon up some affection for someone they hardly even know. It always ends up reeking of insincerity.

Bulldog

What are we gonna do, Doc? He's leaving us.

Roz

Bulldog and Leo were tight.

Frasier

Well, Bulldog certainly is.

Bulldog

I love that guy, man. He'd give me all his leftovers.

Roz

I warned Leo: you keep feeding him, he'll keep coming back.

Bulldog

You going to his party?

Frasier

Well, actually I think I'm going to pass.

Bulldog

Oh come on Doc, you gotta at least have a drink, give him a hug.

Frasier

That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. Since when did we become a society of huggers? We hug for everything nowadays. "Hello" - hug; "Congratulations" - hug; "Nice haircut" - hug. It's absurd. I mean, if we want to express real emotion for someone - I mean, where is there left to go?

Bulldog

I've had good luck with the storage closet.

Roz

You know, I think you're way too uptight about this.

Bulldog

No, no. I see the Doc's point. We all have different ways of saying goodbye. Me? I prefer this method: Get out! [blows his horn] Come on! [blows horn] I got a show to do!

Roz

Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.

Frasier

Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!

Leo

Frasier, you made it!

Frasier

You know I wouldn't miss saying goodbye to you for the world.

Roz

[hugging Leo emphatically] Oh Leo, we're going to miss you so much!

Tom

[going to shake Leo's hand] We sure are. Oh, what the heck. [he hugs Leo instead; Leo turns to Frasier expectantly]

Frasier

[obviously uncomfortable] You have no idea how hard this is for me. [Frasier hugs Leo also]

Frasier

I must say, Niles, that is a striking tie you're wearing.

Niles

Thank you. It was a gift from Maris. She had it made for me to commemorate the end of that dreadful winter she had her obesity scare.

Frasier

Oh yes. I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.

Niles

After she'd restored her figure she had Yoshi set fire to a hippopotamus topiary she felt had taunted her. Then, as a visual reminder never to let herself go again, she had this tie made for me out of the legs of her fat pants. [the waiter brings his coffee] Thank you.

Frasier

You know, I would think wearing a tie that Maris gave you might make you feel a little bit melancholy.

Niles

On the contrary. I have every reason to believe Maris and I may be on the road to reconciliation.

Frasier

Really?

Niles

We met for lunch today. I told her I couldn't stand to be in separation limbo anymore, and unless she wanted the marriage to end we simply had to get into counseling.

Frasier

And she agreed?

Niles

Her exact words were, "I'll think about it." But I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.

Frasier

Congratulations.

Niles

Thank you. [they clink cups; then, examining his coffee] The foam is a tad listless today.

Frasier

[examining his coffee also] Yes. I can tell without looking that they've got Chad back on steamer duty.

Niles

[looking over] You are good.

Messenger

Excuse me. Dr. Niles Crane?

Niles

I am.

Messenger

Here. [hands him a letter]

Niles

[opening the letter] Who's sending me this? [reads the letter] "Notice Petition... For Divorce."

Messenger

Sorry, man. Cool tie. [leaves]

Frasier

I don't know what to say.

Niles

Oh... it's all right. Would have been nice if we'd given therapy a try, but, uh... so be it.

Frasier

I know this is little consolation, but you're to be applauded for the way you're handling this. A lesser man would panic.

Niles

[grabbing for his mobile phone] Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait! I'll get her back.

Frasier

[grabbing the phone out of Niles's hands] You have too much dignity to let yourself beg!

Niles

Please give me my phone back.

Frasier

No.

Niles

Please.

Frasier

Sorry.

Niles

Please!

Frasier

Stop it.

Frasier

Now listen. I know you're upset, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place: you were tired of groveling.

Niles

Yes, but I'm rested now.

Frasier

[handing the phone back] Fine! Go ahead and toddle on back to Maris. Let her grind you under her boot heel for another twelve years, rob you of whatever self-respect you've still retained, then we can have this conversation all over again!

Niles

I was unhappy, wasn't I?

Frasier

You were miserable.

Niles

I'm sorry. It's just a lot to take in. Twelve years of my life - gone.

Frasier

Don't think of it as a loss, but rather an opportunity for growth. It's not an ending, it's...

Niles

Frasier - no offense, but I'm familiar with all the platitudes. I've just been served divorce papers. I need a little time to let it sink in. If you don't mind, maybe we could not talk about it for a while.

Frasier

Of course.

Waitress

[coming up to the table] Hi, can I get you guys anything?

Frasier

No, thank you. We've already been served.

Frasier

Sorry.

Daphne

Ooh, you're back.

Martin

Yeah, I never should have left. The park was a disaster. You remember that outfit Mrs. Foster knitted Eddie for Christmas? Well, I bumped into her in the lobby and she said that she was going to be going to the park and I thought, well it would be rude if I didn't at least have him wear it one time, you know? Eddie, get in here.

Martin

Look at the poor guy, he's humiliated. And then of course she didn't even show up there but you know who was there? Duke and two guys from the old precinct. "Oh Marty — glad to see you've got something to do now you're retired"; "Hey Marty — if I buy you some wool will you knit something for me?"

Daphne

Well, it could have been worse. You could have been wearing the hat she made for you.

Daphne

Oh, dear.

Martin

Would you take that off him? He just looks so pathetic.

Daphne

[helping Eddie] Oh, come here you poor little fella.

Martin

[noticing the box on the sofa] What's in the box?

Daphne

Oh, nothing. Just some old stuff I was taking down to the storage bin.

Martin

Oh, great. Why don't you take this with it? [holding out his bunnet]

Daphne

Yeah, just set that on top.

Martin

No, no. It'll fall off if I do. [opens the box] Hey, this is my stuff!

Daphne

It's a box of junk.

Martin

It's not junk.

Daphne

Oh, rubbish. It's a bunch of useless gadgets you haven't used in years. Like this remote control to God knows what — useless. Just like this, [pulls out some unidentifiable object] whatever it is.

Martin

That's the SteamMaster 2000! Like on TV, "Live life wrinkle free!" It even comes with an attachment that cooks Chinese vegetables.

Frasier

That would be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.

Daphne

Is that something we shouldn't talk about?

Martin

No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.

Frasier

Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.

Niles

[from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Frasier

[opening the door] Niles.

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Martin

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Afternoon, all. I appreciate your concern but I'm really doing quite well with all this. Everything is going to be fine.

Martin

Ah, well that's good. I just hope you've got a good divorce lawyer, because you've been married a long time, and you gotta make sure you get your fair share.

Niles

Well, according to the terms of our prenuptial agreement, I believe I'm wearing my fair share.

Martin

Well, take a tip from your old man. You get over there and take possession of your personal belongings before they [at Daphne] box them up and toss them out!

Daphne

When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?

Martin

You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"

Daphne

Well, he should have listened to her.

Martin

Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!

Frasier

You know, I think Daphne's fighting an uphill battle with this little project of hers. [pulls a journal out of the box]

Niles

What's that?

Frasier

It's a journal.

Niles

Isn't that mother's handwriting?

Frasier

These must be notes from one of her research projects. [Frasier begins reading the book] "It's hard to imagine two male siblings who could be more different than Frasier and Niles."

Niles

Good heavens. It's about us.

Frasier

[continuing] "Though both are highly intelligent, Frasier is clearly the more dominant of the two while Niles remains extremely passive." [turning to Niles] Fascinating!

Niles

[reading from the journal] "Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime. He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."

Frasier

[continuing] "What Niles lacks in assertiveness he makes up for in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen."

Niles

[continuing] "Frasier is exhibiting clearly anti-social tendencies. In fact, he is extremely uncomfortable with touch, seeming to recoil from all human contact."

Frasier

Where does it say that?

Niles

All right, I added "extremely," but it's right there.

Frasier

Good Lord. This cuts rather close to the bone. Just yesterday Roz was accusing me of the same thing. I always thought it was just an aversion to social hugging but apparently it goes deeper than that. You know, maybe this is something I should work on. What do you think?

Frasier

Niles?

Niles

[reading from the journal] "April 3rd. Niles remains as docile as ever. He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females." [drops it]

Frasier

Well, you shouldn't let that upset you. You've broken that pattern. You could have knocked that under and gone groveling back to Maris but you didn't. You know Niles, I don't think I've ever been more proud of you.

Niles

Oh Frasier, this is awful.

Frasier

Well, pardon me for trying. I am new at it.

Niles

No, no, no. You don't understand. I did go groveling back.

Frasier

What?

Niles

I sent the divorce papers back unsigned, along with a letter begging her to take me back.

Frasier

Niles, you didn't.

Niles

Of course I did. You read the journal. It's who I am.

Frasier

Well, how did she respond?

Niles

Well, she hasn't yet. I just messengered it to her this morning. It's her spa day. She won't be home until... [checks his watch] I still have time to get that letter back.

Frasier

I'm going with you.

Niles

You're a good brother. This may be my last chance to prove once and for all that I'm not the sort of man who... who... whatever mother said.

Frasier

"Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females."

Niles

I might have known you'd memorize it.

Frasier

You're right. That was harsh. Come here [Frasier holds out his arms for a hug]

Niles

Oh, get away from me.

Frasier

Niles, I'm still a little uneasy about this. What if one of the servants sees us?

Niles

Impossible. They always use Maris's spa day to play hooky. I just hope she hasn't changed the locks.

Niles

What do you know? [they both creep in] You know, this is sort of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.

Frasier

Yes! All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door!

Niles

[heading for a nearby desk] The letter should be over here with the rest of Maris's unopened mail. [picks it up] Yes — here it is. Let's go.

Niles

Frasier, look, it's my puppies! Oh, I've missed you. Hello, Gestalt! Hello, Gerhardt!

Frasier

Niles, don't they look just a bit agitated to you?

Niles

Well, that's because they're excited to see that the Lord has returned to the manor. [goes to open the door] Hello, boys!

Niles

Oh my God. She hasn't changed the locks. She changed the dogs! Quick, maybe we can make it to the front door.

Frasier

Right!

Frasier

They're toying with us!

Niles

What are we going to do?

Frasier

Well I guess we're just going to have to wait until Lady Baskerville comes back from the spa!

Niles

And explain our presence how?

Frasier

Oh. I do see your point.

Niles

We have to find some way to distract those beasts and make our escape. [thinks for a second] Wait. Tuesday is Swedish meatball night for the staff. Cook always keeps them in the refrigerator.

Frasier

No, Niles. We can't feed them raw meat, it'll only stimulate their bloodlust.

Niles

Just listen: one of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris's green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm. You get the meat, I'll get the pills.

Frasier

Right!

Frasier

Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?

Frasier

[chuckling] Oh, I see.

Niles

Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.

Frasier

Niles, that's three meatballs in a row right in the koi pond! Stop trying to throw! Just drop them, you can drop straight, can't you?!

Niles

Was that a splat or a splash?

Frasier

A splat! Do it again. [more meatballs rain down] Excellent! They're eating it! All right that's enough. [speaking to the dogs] Good boys. Yes, that's right, eat hearty. Oh, you missed one right over there in the garden by the tulips. Oh, there's a few more over there in the koi pond next to the... sleeping koi.

Frasier

Niles? Niles, this painting here in the living room — have you always had this?

Niles

[coming down the stairs] The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.

Frasier

No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.

Niles

No, there's no tree in that painting, it's... [notices the painting] Oh my God. She's had me completely painted out! I don't think I can take much more of this.

Frasier

In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.

Niles

[ruefully] Well, I suppose it's only fitting that I be commemorated in this household as a laughingstock. She's always run roughshod over me. Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness!

Frasier

How so?

Niles

[pointing at an ornament] This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. [motions around the room] Choose another item. Anything.

Frasier

[pointing] Oh, that candelabra?

Niles

Louis Quatorze! What better way to apologise for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?

Frasier

I think you owe us all a candelabra for that. [noticing outside] Niles, look. It seems to be working. The dogs are getting drowsy.

Niles

You know, if just once Maris had given in, in all those years, I might think there was hope for our marriage. But she never budged an inch! Even on those rare occasions that I reported back to you that I had prevailed...?

Frasier

I knew.

Niles

I don't know why I thought I could convince her with that couples' therapy idea. Well... [heads over to the desk] I'm not going to be her whipping boy anymore.

Frasier

What are you doing?

Niles

I'm signing the divorce papers. She wants to initiate proceedings. Let's proceed.

Frasier

Niles, you know I'll support any decision you make, but are you sure?

Niles

[pauses, then] Absolutely.

Niles

That's done.

Frasier

Are you OK?

Niles

I will be. [looks outside] Looks like the dogs are asleep. Shall we go?

Frasier

Oh, I don't know. Maybe they're just playing possum with us.

Niles

Frankly, I don't care. After what I've just done you think I'm going to let a couple of dogs frighten me? This is the last time I'm leaving this house. I'm going to walk through that door with my head held high.

Frasier

Good for you. I'm going to run like hell out the front door.

Niles

Wait up!

Martin

Now the beauty of the "Hot & Foamy" is the ultra-quick heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?

Daphne

[sarcastic] Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with - music?

Martin

You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer too. But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?

Daphne

Where did you two slip off to?

Niles

Oh, I just had some papers to sign.

Frasier

Yes. Niles has decided to begin divorce proceedings.

Daphne

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.

Niles

It's OK. I feel good about it.

Frasier

Now we thought it might be nice to have a family dinner this evening at Chez Shea, so we stopped by to invite the two of you to join us.

Daphne

Oh, that would be nice. I'll just go freshen up. [heads to her bedroom]

Martin

Yeah, sounds great. And Niles, I'm proud of you. I know this isn't easy, but in the long run I know you'll be happier. I'm damn sure I will be.

Niles

I can't believe it. It's really over.

Frasier

If you choose you never have to see Maris again.

Niles

Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.

Niles

[still laughing] I can't breathe. [Frasier points and laughs] No, really, [getting serious] I can't breathe! Frasier, I signed divorce papers! What was I thinking?!

Frasier

Oh God, you're not having second thoughts?

Niles

I don't know. When I was caught up in the adrenaline it all seemed fine, but now in the clear light of day...

Frasier

Now, now, Niles. It's only natural for you to feel a little bit shaky, but believe me, you made the right decision.

Niles

How do I know that?

Frasier

[picking up the journal] Let's just check what prompted us to it. [begins reading the journal] Here: "Niles is incapable of asserting himself, especially in front of females!"

Niles

Keep going — this is helping.

Frasier

[continuing] "As I write this he lies, staring out the window, licking himself!" [Frasier looks up strangely]

Niles

[confused] What?

Frasier

"He's become so subservient lately that when he's finished grooming himself he often begins licking Frasier."

Niles

[puzzled] I have no memory of that!

Frasier

“April 14th. The day I've dreaded for weeks: Frasier died this morning. I never would have guessed that my heart could ache so over the death of my beloved lab rat. My only consolation is the knowledge that I will soon give birth to my first child."

Niles

[taking the journal off him in shock] Frasier... do you know what this means?

Frasier

Our mother named us after rodents.

Niles

No. It means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat! [realizing] Oh My God!

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

Oh my God! Maris has seen the papers. It's too late to take it back.

Frasier

Niles, your reasoning was still sound.

Niles

[becoming hysterical] My reasoning?! My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession WITH VERMIN!!!

Martin

What the hell's going on here?

Frasier

Niles is just a bit distraught.

Niles

[hysterical] Distraught? MY LIFE IS OVER!

Frasier

Niles, don't talk that way! My God man, you've got to calm down.

Niles

[struggling into the bathroom] All right. I-I'm going to splash some cold water on my face. [closes the door]

Martin

Is he going to be all right? I've never seen him like this.

Frasier

Of course he'll be all right, Dad. [banging on the bathroom door] Niles! Just remember to keep breathing. And trust me — this is not the end. Your life is not over! [no response] Niles! NILES!

Frasier

Oh my God!

Daphne

Dr. Crane! Are you all right?

Niles

[calmly] I'm fine. Just a little hot. And foamy.

Martin

You know what must have happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!

Daphne

[looking at Martin in stupidity] He was a detective, you know!

Niles

Hello? Yes, Maris. You are? You do? You will? That's wonderful! I'll be right over! Goodbye. [turning to the rest] The divorce papers were a bluff. When I signed them it completely threw her. She's willing to go into counseling!

Frasier

Oh Niles, I'm so happy for you!