Ask Me No Questions

Niles

Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together?

Martin

[notices bag] Oh, what's this?

Daphne

I got you a gift.

Martin

You did? What's the occasion?

Daphne

No reason.

Martin

You can't just give somebody something for no reason.

Daphne

Yes, I can.

Martin

No, you can't.

Daphne

Yes, I can!

Martin

No, you can't!

Daphne

You're starting to take the fun out of this.

Martin

But there's no reason for this.

Daphne

Does there have to be a reason?

Martin

Yeah!

Daphne

Oh, would you just open it up?

Martin

Oh, Jeez!

Daphne

I knitted it myself.

Martin

Oh, gee!

Daphne

You know, I had a bit of trouble with the rogue collar. I'm surprised you didn't hear me cursing from my bedroom.

Martin

Boy, Daphne, this is really nice. [puts it on] I wish I had something to give you.

Daphne

Oh, we're back on that again!

Martin

Yeah, all right, all right, but at least let me pay you for it.

Daphne

Pay me for it?! It's a gift!

Martin

Well, just a couple of bucks for the yarn.

Frasier

Dad, is Niles home?

Martin

No.

Frasier

For God's sake, I've been standing out front for twenty minutes, we're going to be late for our squash court! Nice cardigan.

Martin

Daphne surprised me with it!

Frasier

You don't seem very happy about it.

Martin

No, well, I'm not, I mean you just don't give somebody something for no reason, that's my rule.

Frasier

Dad! Spontaneous gift-giving is one of life's great pleasures. Didn't you ever give Mom anything without a warning?

Martin

Yeah, you! Where do you think I got the rule from?!

Frasier

There you are! Come on, Niles, let's shake a leg! We're going to be late for our court time.

Niles

Okay, just a minute. [on phone:] Of course I do, Maris. [pause] Well, I miss you more. No, I do. No, I do.

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

[on phone:] More than Van Cleaf would miss Arpell. [laughs] No, I don't. No, you have the prettier laugh. No, you do. No, you do.

Martin

I'm gonna go walk into the ocean!

Niles

Oh no, I would love to meet you for lunch but you know what Dr. Deutsch said; no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris. [the phone beeps] Wait, hold on a second, another line. [switches lines] Hello?

Frasier

[speaking into his phone] Get the hell off the phone!

Niles

[still into phone] How rude!

Frasier

[still in phone] Please, don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment!

Niles

Oh, you are telling me about being late...

Niles

How dare you hang up on me! [switches lines] Honey, do you mind if we continue this conversation later? Oh, I'll be counting the minutes too. [hangs up]

Frasier

Well, I hope you're happy, we've now officially lost our court!

Niles

Well, I'm sorry. I would hope that my attempt to salvage my marriage would be more important to you than a squash game!

Frasier

Well, of course it is. I was just looking forward to playing.

Niles

I enjoy a morning game of squash more than anyone.

Frasier

No, I do.

Niles

No, I do.

Frasier

No, no... Niles, I would love to see you and Maris reconciling, if that's what you want. I'm just afraid you might be going a bit too quickly. Would you like some coffee?

Niles

Please.

Frasier

Need I remind you that only last month she served you divorce papers!

Niles

I'm well aware of that, but we're not rushing into anything. We only see each other at therapy. That reminds me, yesterday at the café I asked you a question which you deftly avoided answering. Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together?

Frasier

Right, well, er, that's a tough question. You know, perhaps the better question would be, do you think you and Maris are meant to be together?

Niles

Hmmm, I served you up a question, you clumsily bat it back to me. We've hardly missed our squash game at all! No, no, I'm really interested in your opinion. Let's say you were God.

Frasier

Niles, please, I don't want to play God!

Niles

[laughs] Oh, please... no, just play along. Let's say you are the supreme ruler of heaven and earth. What would you do?

Frasier

[eyes Eddie:] Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

Niles

I still want an answer to that question. [answers] Hello? What is it, pumpkin? [pause] Now, now, dear, calm down. I'm sure the banging you hear is just the pipes; if one of the servants had actually been walled in during the remodeling, he would have died weeks ago. [pause] Okay, if it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take role call? [phone beeps] Hold on a second. [changes lines] Hello?

Frasier

[on his phone] Get out!

Frasier

Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodbye and good mental health. [signs off]

Roz

[enters] Your brother called.

Frasier

Oh, Lord, he must really want an answer to that question.

Roz

No, he just wanted to tell you the wine club meeting was cancelled. What question?

Frasier

Well, yesterday he asked me straight up if I thought he and Maris were meant for each other.

Roz

That's a loaded question.

Frasier

Yeah, you're telling me. In fact, I don't even know what my answer is.

Roz

Why don't you just play it safe and say yes? In my experience, when someone asks that question, they're not looking for honesty, they're looking for reassurance. Tell him what he wants to hear.

Frasier

I don't know, Roz.

Roz

Trust me, Frasier. It's like if I asked you, "Do I look fat in these pants?"

Frasier

[thinking - without innuendo] Yeah, you're right. I guess there's only one way to answer that question.

Roz

What?! Do you think I look fat in these?

Frasier

No, I don't.

Roz

I work out every day...

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

It's the pleats, isn't it?

Frasier

Stop it, get a hold of yourself! I was thinking about what you had said. I'm going to tell Niles yes, I think he and Niles were meant to be together.

Roz

Who are you waving to? Is that Elise Edmunds from Promotions?

Frasier

We have a little date tonight.

Roz

A date? And you didn't tell me?

Frasier

Well, it's no big deal, I don't even think she's interested in me.

Elise

Hey, Frasier. Hey, Roz. [they greet her] Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to make sure, am I still seeing you tonight?

Frasier

Yes, you are. But of course, I'll be seeing you as well.

Elise

[laughs] Bye, Frasier.

Roz

Whoa-ho-ho! That woman is totally into you!

Frasier

You think so?

Roz

Yeah. [breathy voice, pushing her hair back] See you later, bye.

Frasier

Is that a good sign?

Roz

Hello? She might as well cat-roped you with her pantyhose!

Frasier

It probably should be a very interesting night. Though she is very attractive, slender...

Roz

[stops laughing] Gee, I wonder why your mind went there?

Frasier

Oh, not this again!

Roz

Of course it would. Standing next to me, I hate these pants!

Frasier

Oh, please.

Roz

I look like the Liberty Bell!

Frasier

The Liberty Bell has a crack in it!

Daphne

Afternoon, Mr. Crane.

Martin

Hello.

Daphne

I've got the mail.

Martin

Oh, thanks, you want to just put it on that table there.

Daphne

Is this for me?

Martin

Well, do you know anybody else around here who uses Eucalyptus bubble bath?!

Daphne

Well, your son occasionally likes...

Martin

Oh, never mind.

Daphne

ThiS is lovely.

Martin

Well, I'm glad you like it, because I picked it all out myself. You know, I got you your fancy soaps and your moisturisers and this rock thing that scrapes all the dead skin off the bottom of your feet. [off her glance] Well, if you're going to nap on the couch, wear slippers.

Daphne

Still, Mr. Crane, you really overdid it.

Martin

No, I didn't.

Daphne

I don't know if I can accept this.

Martin

Why not?

Daphne

Because you've spent far too much.

Martin

All right, well, I'll take a couple of things back.

Daphne

No, wait. [puts one back] Have that one. [gives him another]

Martin

Daphne, will you please just take the damn basket?

Daphne

Well, what are you getting so cross about?

Martin

Well, what? You can give me a gift but I'm not allowed to give you one back?

Daphne

Oh, so that's the only reason you gave me this?

Martin

Yeah, that's the way it works.

Daphne

Well, where I come from you don't just give someone a gift because you have to. [hands over basket] Here, take your silly basket.

Martin

All right, fine. Well then, you can take your crappy little cardigan back too. [takes it off and gives it her]

Daphne

Fine!

Martin

I don't know why you gave it to me in the first place.

Daphne

Because I like you.

Martin

Well, I like you.

Daphne

Then why can't you just accept my gift and be happy?

Martin

I am happy, I love that cardigan.

Daphne

And I love my damn basket.

Frasier

What is all this?

Daphne

Oh, we're just exchanging our damn gifts.

Martin

Here. [gives her basket]

Daphne

Here. [gives him cardigan]

Martin

[angry, yelling] Thanks!

Daphne

[angry, yelling] Thank you!

Frasier

Good Lord, it's like Christmas morning in the Gambino household!

Martin

By the way, Niles called while you were in the shower to remind you about the squash tomorrow.

Frasier

That's strange. I just made that date this morning, he must be really champing at the bit to get an answer to that question.

Martin

What question?

Frasier

Oh, he asked me if I thought he and Maris were meant to be together.

Martin

Well, if you ask me, you should keep your bazoo shut! You're always getting into trouble opening that big bazoo of yours!

Frasier

Oh wonderful, dad, we've found a new word to strike from your vocabulary. Along with patootie and bupkis!

Martin

You're going to answer him, aren't ya?

Frasier

Well, I think I have to. But listen, I'm just going to play it safe. Tell him yes. He's gonna do what he wants to anyway.

Martin

Hey, I don't know, he takes your opinion pretty damn seriously.

Frasier

Well, when we were younger, there was a certain sway I had over him. Oh God, do you remember that time back in prep school when he was going to try out for the track team and I convinced him all the really cool kids were going to join the Madrigal society.

Martin

I'm not just talking about school, I mean he's always come to you for career decisions, too - where to do his residency, where to set up his practice.

Frasier

Hmm, perhaps I have underestimated my influence. You know, frankly, my opinion could be the single most important factor in his making this decision.

Martin

Well, I don't know if I'd go as far as that.

Frasier

Oh, please, dad. You don't know what it's like to have your opinion matter! Niles depends on me, he deserves my true and honest answer.

Martin

And what is that?

Frasier

Well, Maris has always been spoilt and selfish and led him around by the nose, I'd have to say my answer would be no. Thank you, dad. I've changed my answer from a yes to a no.

Martin

There you go.

Frasier

On the other hand... I knew it. You know, there are a lot of other factors here, dad. Niles does love Maris.

Frasier

She has agreed to go into therapy; Niles swears that she's a changed person. I don't know, I guess if I really want to know what's going on in Maris's mind, I've got to ask her myself.

Frasier

You agree with that, don't you dad?

Martin

Oh, yeah, sure. [sits]

Frasier

Well, I've got a couple of hours before my date. So what I'm going to do, if I really want to know was Maris is thinking, I will go directly to the source.

Waitress

Are you ready to order?

Frasier

Ah, well, not quite yet, I'm still waiting on someone. [stands] Oh, there she is now.

Frasier

Marta!

Frasier

Marta, I can't tell you how nice it is to see you again.

Marta

My pleasure, and this coffee is too, too divine!

Frasier

I see your English lessons with Maris are progressing, yes?

Marta

Yes, she teaching me many words. [points to a woman] That coat is so declassé.

Frasier

Listen Marta, I'm going to come right to my point. Dr. Crane and Maris - Missy Crane - have both been seeing a couples' therapist lately and I understand it's going very well.

Marta

Therapy helping Missy Crane a lot.

Frasier

Really? So you would say that she is a changed person?

Marta

Si, si, Missy Crane very different: nicer to everyone, and this time no happy pills! For my birthday she give me beautiful Chanel makeup bag. It's a knock-off, but it's big!

Frasier

Oh, all right then, this is my question: if Dr. Crane and Mrs. Crane were to get back together, do you... do you think Mrs. Crane would treat Dr. Crane better?

Marta

Oh, jess, please ask Dr. Crane to come home.

Frasier

Marta, you've been most helpful. You know, lately I've been wondering if Niles and Maris ought to be together. Now, thanks to you, I know that the answer to that question is yes.

Frasier

What? Did I say something funny?

Marta

No, my beeper's on vibrate, it tickled me. [takes it out] Sorry, I have to go, Missy Crane needs me.

Frasier

Oh, that's all right, I understand.

Marta

Thanks for coffee. [blows him two kisses] Call me!

Frasier

Well, there is a limit!

Daphne

[enters] Hey.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne.

Daphne

Was that Mrs. Crane's Marta who was just leaving?

Frasier

Yes it was, we were just sharing a coffee. You know, I wanted to help allay some of my fears about Niles and Maris getting back together.

Daphne

Yes, I expect she'll be glad to see Dr. Crane back in that household. Well, I should get my beans.

Frasier

Wait, wait, Daphne, what do you mean?

Daphne

Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane acts as a good buffer between Mrs. Crane and the help.

Frasier

Gee, it never occurred to me that Marta might have an ulterior motive.

Daphne

Who can blame her? Mrs. Crane can be a bit demanding.

Frasier

Well, this taints Marta's entire testimony. Is it possible she could have lied to me? Now then, with my training there aren't many things that can escape my notice, as I'm sure you've observed, Daphne. Gee, how could she lie to me? Now you see the predicament I am in. Every time somebody gives me a valid argument, somebody else comes along and gives me a perfectly valid counter-argument. One minute I think the answer is yes, the next minute I think it's no! God, this is driving me crazy. Well, I've got to stick with it, Niles asked me what I think... that's it... what I think! Of course I don't know what I think right now, well. But it's hard to be focused...

Frasier

Don't you agree, Daphne?

Daphne

Oh, yes, absolutely!

Elise

I'm so glad we're finally doing this.

Frasier

Hmmm? [distant] Me too.

Elise

Is everything all right, Frasier?

Frasier

Oh, yes, yes, I'm just a little preoccupied.

Frasier

[to himself] Stop obsessing! Enjoy the date!

Frasier

Here we are.

Elise

So, where are we going?

Frasier

Well, I've chosen a little Italian place I know, if that's all right?

Elise

I trust your judgment, but then who doesn't?

Elise

Are you okay?

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I told myself I wasn't going to bring this up to you, and I don't really think it's appropriate for a first date, but I haven't been able to think about anything else all day, so here goes: Do you think it's possible for two people to be meant for each other?

Elise

[thinking he's talking about her and him] You've thought about that all day?

Frasier

[missing the signals] Yes.

Elise

[excited] Why, yes I do!

Frasier

You do. But how do you know that they're meant for each other? Of course it's essential they have similar interests, goals in common...

Elise

Don't forget physical attraction.

Frasier

Oh, well, that's a given. But you know, my ex-wife had all those things, our marriage was an unmitigated disaster.

Elise

She probably just didn't appreciate you.

Frasier

No, not entirely.

Elise

Did she listen to your show everyday, sometimes even tape them so she could listen to it in bed at night?

Frasier

[still missing signals] I didn't have a show then. I just- what it comes down to is, what is that special something that makes us cry out, "Yes, you're meant to be together!"

Elise

Who knows, all that matters is that we both feel it! [a look of horrified realisation flashes across Frasier's face] I should have told you months ago how I felt, but I was too insecure. I never dreamed you felt the same way I did. [Frasier turns away] Frasier, don't turn shy on me now. What'cha thinking?

Frasier

[looks at her and laughs] Elise, I'm thinking you are quite the practical joker! [laughs] Pretending not to know that I was really talking about my brother, Niles, and his wife. Surely Roz must have told you?

Elise

Oh, yes. [fakes an embarrassed laugh]

Frasier

Sense of humour, that's another thing for two to have in common.

Elise

Frasier, I have a headache, I think I'm gonna just take a rain-check on tonight, okay?

Frasier

[realizing] Elise, we can still go out, just pretend that none of this ever happened!

Elise

Perfect!

Frasier

I can't for the life of me figure out why this decision is causing me so much anxiety. There's just so many things to be considered, you know.

Frasier

On the one hand, you know, perhaps I'm afraid if Niles and Maris reconcile, well then we may lose the friendship he and I developed during their separation. On the other hand, if Maris does take him back, well then I won't have to feel so responsible for him. There's just so much at stake!

Frasier

Oh, not that kind of steak! Listen, you're driving me crazy, I can't hear myself think here, I'm going to take a walk.

Frasier

Oh, not with you. Go away. [then:] Time for your bath!

Frasier

So gullible!

Roz

[v.o] Tell him what he wants to hear.

Martin

[v.o] He takes your opinion pretty damn seriously!

Marta

[v.o] Missy Crane very different, nicer to everyone.

Martin

[v.o] Bazoo! Bazoo! Shut your bazoo!

Roz

[v.o] Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!

Eddie

[v.o: barks]

Niles

Who's there?

Frasier

[o.s] It's Frasier, let me in.

Niles

How did you get up here?

Frasier

Well, the doorman was asleep.

Niles

Well, what a coincidence, so was I.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Niles, I apologise for the late hour.

Niles

What's wrong? You smell of the streets!

Frasier

Well, I was wandering Seattle in desperate search for an answer to your question. I know how crucial my opinion is to you and I didn't want to take your question lightly.

Niles

...What question?

Frasier

You asked me if I thought you and Maris were meant for each other.

Niles

Oh, right.

Frasier

I can't believe it! I've been to hell and back agonizing over this question and you forgot!

Niles

No, no, no, I didn't forget. I'm sorry, Frasier, I'm groggy. Come in, come in.

Niles

I'm touched that you've given this so much thought. You're a good brother.

Frasier

Thank you.

Niles

So, please.

Frasier

Well, this is hard for me to say but... no.

Niles

What?

Frasier

I don't think you and Maris are meant to be together. I believe that a marriage should be built on a foundation of friendship and mutual respect. With Maris I fear that you never experienced those things fully. And I question whether you'll ever be truly happy.

Niles

[takes it in] I see. Well, thank you. [stands]

Frasier

[stands] You're hurt, aren't you?

Niles

No, I-I just need some time to process this. I appreciate you stopping by, it's just that it's one of those times I need to be alone.

Frasier

Did you just hear a bell?

Niles

No. Glad you came, go home, get some rest...

Frasier

There it is again.

Niles

No, I don't think so.

Frasier

Wait a minute... Oh, Niles! Maris is here, isn't she? How could you?!

Niles

Well, she offered and I said yes.

Frasier

How could you do something like this without waiting for my opinion?

Niles

Well, someone certainly has a high opinion of his opinion!

Frasier

Oh, why don't you just go run back to her before she sprains her wrist!

Niles

Frasier, Frasier, I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Maris has changed. She now understands that she cannot control me. I am my own man.

Niles

I don't actually respond to that. [The bell rings] It's a little joke we have between us. [A whistle is blown] Okay, that means business!