Odd Man Out
Aired 21st May 1997 · Written by Suzanne Martin · Directed by Jeff Melman
Frasier
Oh Roz, I managed to get some reservations at San Gennaro tonight. [standing] I thought we'd go celebrate your birthday.
Roz
[looking up] Oh, that is so sweet, but I have a date. With that waiter we met at lunch yesterday.
Frasier
[disbelieving] You're going out with that guy?
Roz
I didn't have enough for a tip.
Frasier
Keep in mind the service wasn't that good. [pause] Well, the reservation won't go to waste. I can always take Niles.
Roz
Niles? Again? You know, your entire social life consists of going out with your brother. [pause] Don't you think you're getting into kind of a rut? You're still young! You need to go out and get drunk...
Roz
[cont'd] Wake up in some stranger's bed and not even remember how you got there.
Frasier
[opening door] In other words, exchange my life for yours.
Roz
Well, do what you want. But you know what? You could shake up your life every once in a while, do something spur of the moment. Once, I finished work on a Friday and hopped a plane to Acapulco, and I didn't pack anything but my toothbrush.
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes, I do remember you calling in sick one Monday morning with a mariachi band in the background.
Roz
Well, I was sick.
Frasier
Mmm-hmmm. [closes door]
Daphne
[opening front door] Oh, Doctor Crane!
Niles
Daphne.
Daphne
Thank God you're here. My zip's stuck.
Niles
Oh.
Niles
Good thing I got here when I did.
Daphne
Don't be afraid to grab hold and give it all you've got.
Niles
[looking up at the back of her head] Okay.
Daphne
Sometimes pulling it down a bit helps.
Niles
[looking up again] Okay. [pause] Oh, dear. I've zipped my tie into your dress. It won't come loose.
Daphne
Oh, let me see!
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry! It is stuck, isn't it? Well, maybe some liquid soap from the powder room will loosen it up.
Frasier
Niles, there's something on your tie.
Daphne
[grinning] Doctor Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught.
Frasier
Yes, he is. [walks to Daphne, pushing Niles to the side slightly] Allow me. [frees the zipper] Ah, there. All right, there we go.
Daphne
What a relief. I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Doctor Crane to death.
Niles
Well, we all have to die of something. [gazing longingly]
Frasier
Oh Niles, I managed to score some reservations tonight at San Gennaro. You up for a little Italian?
Niles
Actually, I'm going out with Maris, so I guess you could say I'm up for a little Episcopalian. [laugh]
Frasier
[laughs, walking toward wet bar] Like some sherry?
Niles
Yes, thank you.
Frasier
So, those counseling session must be going very well. [pouring sherry]
Niles
They are! So, tonight, we thought it would be a kick to recreate our very first date.
Daphne
[sitting at table] Oh, that's sweet.
Niles
Hey, dad. In fact, that day my car was in the shop, so I'm here to borrow Dad's car just like I did back then. [Frasier hands him his sherry] Just saying that makes me feel so young. "Gee, Dad, can I borrow the car?"
Martin
You did that twice on the phone, and I didn't find it cute then. [reaching in pocket, pulling out keys] Here you go.
Frasier
[handing Niles the keys] I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles
Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. [proud] I was her first bad boy. [sits on couch]
Frasier
Uh-huh. Yes, I remember the way you used to carry your inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your t-shirt. [gesturing to Daphne at the table and Martin coming out of the kitchen] Oh, how about you two? You guys want to join me for dinner tonight?
Martin
Oh sorry, Sherry's cooking me dinner tonight.
Daphne
And I have a date with Greg.
Frasier
Greg? I don't believe I've met him yet.
Martin
I have. He's gorgeous. [stares all around] Well, he is.
Daphne
He's certainly the best-looking man I've ever been out with. Of course, he doesn't have a thought in that pretty little head of his. [distantly] Hmmm, this could be the one.
Martin
[going to sit in chair] But you know, Frasier, maybe I can have Sherry cook for me some other time.
Frasier
No, no. You don't have to put yourself out on my account, Dad. [notices answering machine blinking] Oh Dad, did you happen to check this message?
Martin
No, I don't touch that thing.
Message
[V.O.] Hi, it's Laura. We're getting an extra day of rehearsal, so I'm coming in tonight instead of tomorrow. American, Flight 11, 10:30. Can't wait. Bye!
Frasier
Great news, Laura's in town!
Niles
Who's Laura?
Frasier
A stranger who called my machine by mistake.
Frasier
Reservation for Doctor Frasier Crane.
Maitre �D
From the radio, yes?
Frasier
Yes. Ooh, actually my date canceled, so it'll just be me.
Maitre �D
I see, sir. [lowers voice] Table for one.
Frasier
There is no need to lower your voice. I'm not ashamed to dine alone. eally, as a man of some celebrity, I can serve as a symbol to others who might otherwise be afraid to do so. I mean, really it's okay, it's actually even preferable to sit and dine alone rather than listen to someone who's too much in love with his own voice prattle on endlessly.
Maitre �D
Well, you convinced me, sir. I'll see if your table's ready.
Maitre �D
[loudly] Doctor Crane? Your table for one is ready.
Frasier
Uh, listen, is it possible to move to... to have a table elsewhere? I feel just a bit conspicuous right here.
Waiter
I'm very sorry, sir, but they're all reserved. But don't worry, most of our patrons only have eyes for each other.
Frasier
Very well.
Waiter
I'm so sorry, sir.
Frasier
Perfectly all right. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. Perhaps I could have a glass of your house cabernet.
Johnny
Hi.
Frasier
Hello. What's your name?
Johnny
Johnny. How come nobody's sitting with you?
Frasier
Well, that's a bit complicated, Johnny.
Johnny
My mom and dad said it's okay if you come sit with us.
Frasier
Oh, well, that's a very... very sweet offer, and I know it's hard for a young boy to understand, but really, there's nothing wrong with someone eating by himself.
Johnny
You know, one time I was really bad at school and the teacher made me eat lunch all by myself.
Frasier
Oh, well that gave you an opportunity to think about your actions, didn't it?
Johnny
Nope. I just cried.
Frasier
[rolls eyes] Run along, Johnny.
Waiter
Your glass of cabernet, sir.
Frasier
Oh, thank you.
Waiter
Oh, and I see your candle has gone out. [shouts] Enrico! [claps loudly]
Frasier
Please, stop! Tonight, I'd prefer to just... dine in the shadows, thank you.
Woman
Excuse me. Are you here by yourself?
Frasier
As a matter of fact I am, yes.
Woman
I was hoping you'd say that! Would you mind if I - [gestures at the other chair at the table]
Frasier
Oh, good Lord, yes. I've actually been sitting here hoping somebody would- [realization passing over him] make good use of that chair.
Amanda
AAAHHHH! [jumps up] Of course I'll marry you!
Ethan
Oh, sorry for the commotion, folks. [notices spilled wine, walks over] Oh, gosh, is that our fault? Listen, let me pay for the dry cleaning!
Frasier
Oh, not to worry, not to worry.
Maitre �D
Congratulations, you two! Here's to young love!
Husband
[standing with his wife] Well, as long as we're all sharing good news, my wife just told me that we're having twins.
Ethan
Now that I've already interrupted all of your meals, I'd just like to share my joy with everyone here. [gazes at his fiance] To Amanda, my future bride, I will love you every day of my life, and I hope that, when we die, it's at the exact same moment so that neither of us will have to spend even one second alone again.
Frasier
Hi, um, Johnny said I could eat with you.
Martin
Hey, Fras, how was your dinner?
Frasier
[walking slowly behind the couch] Not since Quasimodo strolled the streets of medieval Paris have so many people uttered the phrase, "That poor man."
Daphne
I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that.
Frasier
Oh? [opens his overcoat to reveal his red shirt and tie]
Daphne
Oh, dear.
Frasier
[walks to hang up his overcoat] The height of the evening came when the entire staff of waiters delivered the birthday cake that I'd ordered for Roz and neglected to cancel. [pause] They sang to me. [walks over to lean against Martin's chair]
Martin
It's not your birthday.
Frasier
Staying right with the story as usual, Dad. Anyway, after dinner I took a long stroll, and it suddenly struck me: I'm single. I'd gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago. I'm forty- three, and I'm alone.
Martin
Hey! [stands and walks to kitchen] I have something that'll cheer you up. I brought you some of Sherry's mock apple pie. [comes out] It's called "mock" cause they uses crackers instead of apples.
Frasier
Good! [doorbell; Frasier walks to answer door] Nothing spoils an apple pie like apples. [opening door] Oh, Niles.
Niles
Frasier! Oh, what happened?
Frasier
Well-
Niles
No, let me guess. [leans in] Robust color, fruity bouquet. I'd say that's an amusing little merlot.
Frasier
Cabernet. [closes door]
Niles
[walking past him] Oh. Well, it's still amusing.
Daphne
So, did you and Mrs. Crane enjoy recreating your first date?
Niles
[standing behind chair at the breakfast table; very excited] Oh yes, my Maris remembered details that I'd forgotten. For example, when I brought her home after the restaurant, we took a stroll around the grounds. Suddenly, Marta appeared on the balcony playing the part of Maris's late father. She was liquored up on Rob Roys and firing Swedish meatballs at me from an antique blunderbuss.
Frasier
[glances down at answering machine] Dad, am I the only one in this household who checks this machine?
Laura
[V.O.] Hi, Molly. Laura again.
Frasier
Again.
Laura
[V.O.] Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyway, I just called to remind you I'll have my cello with me. Translation: you might want to clean out your car this time to make room. I know, toujours la grande souer. Anyway, I can't wait to see you guys. I've been on my own way too much lately. See you at 10:30, Flight 11. Love you. Goodbye.
Daphne
Too bad there's no way to call her back. She's gonna be stranded at the airport.
Frasier
Oh no, she won't, she'll take a cab.
Daphne
You know, that happens a lot. People leaving wrong messages. And after hearing a stranger's voice like that, it always starts me wondering what they must be like.
Martin
Oh, you can't really judge what a person's like from the voice.
Niles
[looking at Sherry's mock apple pie on the breakfast table] That's true. I was once told that I sound - imagine the impertinence - [enunciating] "UP-TIGHT."
Daphne
Well, she sounds to me like a very attractive woman. Intelligent -
Niles
She speaks French.
Frasier
I always loved the name Laura.
Martin
Hey Frasier, you know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl.
Frasier
Really?
Martin
Yeah! Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never liked the nickname "Prissy."
Niles
[cutting a slice] Mmmm, I never much cared for it, either.
Daphne
You know, Doctor Crane, this Laura sounds like she might just be a perfect match for you. If you left now, you could meet that plane.
Frasier
[laugh] Oh, please, Daphne, a couple phone calls and you're fixing us up already.
Daphne
But think about it! She plays the cello. You'd like that. [stands and walks toward Frasier]
Niles
She appreciates neatness. [following Daphne]
Martin
She expresses affection easily. That's good. [receives stares from everyone] Well, pardon me for growing a little, okay?
Niles
She did mention being on her own too much. So we know she's available.
Frasier
Oh, sure it's fun to speculate, but, come on, you can't seriously be suggesting-
Daphne
But why not? I can't imagine a more exciting way to meet. The woman of your dreams steps off a plane, and there you are to rescue her.
Martin
Oh, yeah, you can't beat meeting somebody in a romantic way. That's the way it was with me and your mom.
Niles
You met Mother over the chalk outline of a murder victim.
Martin
So? It was romantic to us.
Daphne
I met a boy in a cute way once. I was eighteen and visiting Stonehenge and this smashing young man came up to me and told me he was an actual descendent of the Druids.
Frasier
Boy, is that the one place that line would work.
Niles
I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." [pauses, takes a sip of sherry] God, that was twenty years ago. [starts to chuckle, then] Nope, still can't laugh about it.
Laura
[V.O.] Hi, Molly. Laura again. Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyw-
Frasier
She likes the sound of my voice. She's called me twice today. That's already the best relationship I've had this year.
Martin
So, are you going?
Frasier
Maybe. Oh, I don't know.
Daphne
There's nothing worse than when you look back on a missed opportunity.
Frasier
What the hell! [runs to grab his overcoat]
Daphne
Oh, I'm so excited.
Frasier
I can't believe I'm actually doing this! [runs to the door]
Niles
Frasier, before you go-
Frasier
No, Niles, stop right there! Don't say another word to me! I'll never do something this impulsive if I stop to overthink it. Just let me get the hell out of here before I change my mind!
Frasier
But not before I change my shirt.
Laura
Thanks for all your help. I can take it from here.
Frasier
[leaning forward, speaking hesitantly] Uh, Laura? Looking for Molly?
Laura
Yes, I am. Molly sent a driver?
Frasier
Oh, no, no, no. [sincere smile] I'm not a driver, I'm a psychiatrist, I'm here to help you.
Laura
[long pause] Molly's having me committed?
Frasier
No, no, no! I'm Doctor Frasier Crane.
Laura
Oh, from the radio!
Frasier
Oh, you know me!
Laura
Yes, I've heard your show, it's great! But your knowing me is just - weird.
Frasier
Well, actually... you left a couple messages on my machine today by mistake.
Laura
Oh, no. I must've gotten my sister's new number wrong.
Frasier
I didn't want you waiting around for someone who wasn't coming.
Laura
So you came all the way down here? What're you, like the nicest guy in the world?
Frasier
Yes. Yes, I am. Well, speaking of nice, I would be delighted to drive you to your sister's home.
Laura
Oh, no, no, no, I'll take a cab.
Frasier
Are you sure? It's no trouble at all.
Laura
Well, she lives an hour away. But, uh, listen, could I buy you a drink just to say thank you?
Frasier
Yes, I'd love that. [gesturing to the instrument case] May I take your cello?
Laura
Aaahhhh... I checked my cello, this is my purse.
Laura
[jokingly annoyed] I think that's funny. Why doesn't anybody laugh at that?
Frasier
That is funny! Here. [takes case, leads them toward airport bar] So, are you with an orchestra? [puts cello case to the side]
Laura
With a chamber music group, actually. We're based in LA, but we travel quite a bit. [sits] I grew up here, so it's always nice to come back. I miss it.
Frasier
So, what'll you have?
Laura
Um... I think I'll have a glass of sherry.
Frasier
[pleasantly surprised] Two.
Laura
Not that you can expect that much from airport bar sherry. [guiltily] Oh, goodness. Don't I sound like the perfect snob?
Frasier
[dreamily] Yes... [catches himself] I mean, I agree with you about the sherry. So... um... why did you choose the cello?
Laura
When I was around eleven, my father took me to the symphony. And this sounds a little silly, but when I heard the cello, it sounded sad, like it needed me.
Frasier
[moved] That's not silly. It's lovely.
Laura
I was always an odd kid. All my girlfriends had posters of David Cassidy. I had Pablo Cassall.
Frasier
I had Sigmund Freud. [laughs]
Laura
But did you kiss him every night before you went to bed?
Frasier
Well, I... I was tempted to, but he just would've read too much into it! [they laugh; their drinks come] Oh, thank you.
Laura
I don't think I've ever shared a drink with a psychiatrist. I'm worried that you must be analyzing me.
Frasier
Well, if I am, my diagnosis so far is that I... I can't find a single thing wrong with you.
Laura
[takes sip of sherry] Actually, it's quite good!
Frasier
Yes. My second pleasant surprise this evening.
Laura
Frasier, maybe I'm misreading you here, but - I'm married.
Frasier
[slowly, very disappointed] Oh... somehow I jumped to the conclusion that you were single. Wasn't there something in your message about having been on your own too much, lately?
Laura
Oh, I've been away on tour.
Frasier
Oh... Well, I guess by now you've probably figured out that my coming down here wasn't entirely the act of a Good Samaritan. More like a lonely Samaritan. Guess it makes me seem sort of desperate.
Laura
No... I think it makes you seem sort of romantic. I used to do things like this when I was single. It was fun.
Frasier
Clearly, you were better at being single than I am.
Laura
Oh, come on. Let me ask you a question. How did you feel, coming down here?
Frasier
I felt... completely exhilarated. In fact, it's the most fun I've had in recent memory.
Laura
Exactly. The anticipation, the excitement, the hope. Marriage is the death of all that.
Frasier
I hope you didn't write your own vows.
Laura
[laughs] I'm not down on marriage. It's just that marriage can be great, but so can not being married.
Frasier
I suppose. [pause] Well, you're smart, lovely, talented, able to look at the bright side of things. I'm getting more disappointed by the moment.
Laura
[sincerely] I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted.
Frasier
Oh, don't be. Look, I really did have fun. You know, it's not very often that I do something impulsive.
Laura
Well, maybe you should. [pause] Well, I really should be going.
Frasier
Oh, no, here, allow me. Allow me. I'm the nicest guy in the world, remember? [stands to retrieve cello]
Laura
I'll remember. [stands]
Frasier
Here we are. [hands over the cello]
Laura
This is probably a ridiculous thing to say, but if I weren't married-
Frasier
No, you don't have to finish that, but thank you very much for starting it.
Laura
[barely audible] Okay.
Frasier
Oh! Let me get that for you.
Laura
If you ever think back on this, could you just-
Frasier
[broad, sweeping gesture] I'll just edit that part out.
Laura
[nods] Thank you.
Announcement
...4 will depart from Gate 31. Passengers may proceed to the....
Woman
Excuse me.
Frasier
Mmm-hmmm?
Woman
Did you just hear that gate change announcement?
Frasier
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, but perhaps they can help you at the ticket counter.
Woman
Oh, good idea. Thanks. [beginning to leave]
Frasier
Where're you headed?
Woman
Mexico. How about you?
Frasier
Oh well, I'm just going to finish up my sherry, and then I'm off to.... [moment of inspiration] I'm going to Mexico!
Woman
Really? Acapulco?
Frasier
[stands to walk with her] It's uncanny! What hotel are you staying at?
Woman
Via Terra.
Frasier
Why, that's where I'm staying! You're scaring me!