The Impossible Dream
Aired 15th October 1996 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by David Lee
Gil
Well, look who's up!
Jimmy
[v.o.] So it's my parents. I don't know, they're just like, really stupid.
Frasier
[bored] May I ask how old you are?
Jimmy
Fourteen.
Frasier
Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid for another seven years.
Jimmy
Whoa! Seven years? That's like, longer than I'll be in high school!
Frasier
I salute your optimism. [disconnects] We'll be right back after this.
Frasier
Oh god, Roz. A teenager who's embarrassed by his parents? I mean, please. Can't you come up with something a little more challenging for me?
Roz
Well, it was either him or our old pal, Rudy the Crier.
Frasier
Oh, Rudy the Crier. Oh God. He's been on three times in the last month. You put him on again, he won't be the only one who's crying. God, I'm in a dry spell. Where are the souls in genuine torment? The people teetering on the brink of genuine despair?
Roz
Oh, they'll be back. The holidays are just around the corner.
Frasier
Well, perhaps you're right. Oh, Roz, I've got a question I'd like to ask you.
Roz
Shoot.
Frasier
Have you ever had a recurring dream of an intimate nature about someone... oh, a... well, a co-worker?
Roz
[disgusted] Oh, no. Why'd you tell me?
Frasier
Oh, Roz!
Roz
Oh, now it's gonna be creepy everytime you look at me through the glass!
Frasier
Roz, not you!
Roz
[intrigued] So who is it then?
Frasier
Oh, I'm not going to go into the specifics.
Roz
Gina in accounting?
Frasier
Look, I'm not gonna do this!
Roz
Sheila, the slow intern?
Frasier
Forget I even mentioned it.
Gil
Knock knock...
Frasier
[suddenly nervous] Gil? [Roz eyes Frasier suspiciously]
Gil
Frasier, I've come to tempt you.
Frasier
[scared] Really?
Gil
I'm reviewing the new pastry chef at Chez Shea. [reveals an eclair] And I quote: "His amaretto eclair is so sinful, it will send you scurrying to your local padre for absolution."
Frasier
Uh... no, thank you, Gil. I'm on a diet.
Gil
Oh, come now! You know you want it...
Frasier
[jumping up] Oh, no no no... I really don't! [shoos Gil out the door] Off you go. Bye-bye.
Roz
[excited] Oh, my god!
Frasier
What?
Roz
It was Gil!
Frasier
I never said that!
Roz
Then why are you blushing?
Frasier
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Roz
Your ears are turning bright red!
Frasier
I am not blushing!
Roz
You are!
Frasier
Still not blushing!
Rudy
[v.o.] ...just lying there in the hospital bed. She lifted her head off the pillow, looked up and said, "I love you," and then she was gone. [cries]
Frasier
Rudy, stop crying. We've gone over this before. What was our agreement about sad movies?
Rudy
I shouldn't watch them. [cries]
Frasier
Exactly. Now go get a cool washcloth and try to bring down the puffiness around your eyes. Please... stay away from sad or depressing things... which, at this moment, includes listening to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. [disconnects] Well, let's shoot it to the news. That's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. [he goes off air and Roz enters] Oh, my God! Well, close the record books. That was just the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show!
Roz
Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad. What about that woman who was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the house?
Frasier
That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem! Well, I'll see you tomorrow. [he moves to exit, then turns back] Oh! Oh, Roz... about that dream I mentioned to you earlier... uh... this goes without saying, but I'd rather you didn't share that with anyone else.
Roz
Oh, sure.
Betty
[passing by] Hi, dreamboy!
Frasier
[to Roz] I hate you! Couldn't keep your big mouth shut, could you? Just exactly when did you find the time to spread the news?
Roz
You don't think I was listening to your show, do you?
Bulldog
Comin' through! Oh, Doc... I got to rub this one in a little...
Frasier
All right, look, Bulldog... before you start to ridicule me, yes, yes I had a dream about Gil. And yes, it had some erotic elements, but... [notices Bulldog's surprised expression] You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Bulldog
I do now! Whoa! [laughs]
Frasier
Look, let's just forget it. What delightful little jibe did you have prepared for me?
Bulldog
Oh, I was gonna tell you your show today just broke the snooze meter, but now I want to hear about you greasin' Gil's cookie sheet! [honks horn]
Frasier
I'm on a bus to Hell.
Niles
So I returned to the dry-cleaners yet a third time. I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier
Just tell me when the story ends.
Niles
[miffed] Fine. They realigned my pleats, The End.
Frasier
Sorry, Niles. [they get their coffees and sit at a nearby table] I'm just a bit distracted today. You see, this morning, a... a man from my building approached me with a very intriguing problem. It seems he's been having a recurring dream.
Niles
Oh, please. That little gambit didn't work when we were in knee socks. What was your dream, Frasier?
Frasier
Oh, all right! It's been tormenting me. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks now. It's a bit hazy but... it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
Niles
Interesting.
Frasier
Yes, well... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo: the word "Chesty."
Niles
Interesting.
Frasier
Then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps... a man. [pause] All right, go ahead, let me have it!
Niles
Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?
Frasier
[annoyed] Please? We're both too intelligent to waste time on the obvious interpretation.
Niles
Yes. But you must admit, it's rather intriguing. [chuckles]
Frasier
Would you stop? It's obviously screaming for a Jungian interpretation. The sexuality in the dream is surely symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
Niles
All right.
Gil
Good afternoon, Frasier.
Frasier
Gil.
Gil
A little birdie tells me I was featured in your midnight movie.
Frasier
That's very clever. Off you go.
Gil
Very well. I'll see you tomorrow. Or should I say, "See you in your dreams"? [exits]
Niles
In this dream of yours, were there any cigars, bananas or short, blunt swords?
Frasier
Would you stop it?! I'm 43 - a little late for latency.
Rebecca
You guys okay over here?
Niles
Oh, we're fine.
Frasier
[flirting] Well... you must be new here. I surely would have remembered such a pretty face as yours.
Niles
You're overcompensating.
Frasier
Right. We're fine. Bye-bye. [she leaves] I'm just baffled, Niles. Obviously, Gil Chesterton explains "Chesty" but little else.
Niles
Perhaps you should tackle this from a free-association standpoint.
Frasier
God, must we?
Niles
Well, now... focus on any detail in the motel room. What's the first thing that pops into your mind?
Frasier
Uh... a crescent-shaped lamp.
Niles
Perfect - crescent-shaped lamp. Run with that. Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe...
Frasier
Niles! This is my dream!
Niles
I was just showing you the process.
Frasier
You were three words away from a cigarette!
Niles
[outraged] Your turn!
Frasier
All right.
Niles
Crescent lamp.
Frasier
Crescent... croissant... butter... apricot jam... hunger... food... diet! My God, I've been on a diet. Do you think that's useful?
Niles
You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Frasier
Just wait a minute. Gil is a restaraunt critic - a gourmet. Perhaps he's symbolic of the food I've been denying myself.
Niles
That would explain why you're naked in the dream. It's when we're naked that we're most self-conscious about our bodies.
Frasier
Yes, and most vulnerable to the way society "tattoos" us with labels about our appearance! God, that's it, Niles! The dream is simply telling me that I've been too rigid about my diet!
Niles
Well, you'll know tonight. If this is the correct interpretation, the conflict will have passed from your unconscious to your conscious mind.
Frasier
Yes, the dream will have served its purpose.
Niles
And you will no longer be plagued by it.
Frasier
Oh, God, Niles. I've nailed it all right. I really have. Finally, for the first time in weeks they'll be no tequila bottles, no tattoo, no half-naked man in my bed. [he looks up to see Rebecca standing at their table] So then, the Rabbi says...
Woman
Oh, I'm sorry... wrong room. [leaves]
Gil
That does it. We're finding another motel.
Daphne
Someone followed me again last night.
Martin
Ah, you're just being paranoid.
Daphne
I'm telling you, they're onto me.
Martin
Come on. Nobody could recognize you after all that plastic surgery.
Daphne
That's what Marlena thought.
Martin
Marlena got sloppy. She never should have gone back to Zurich.
Daphne
I just don't want any more bloodshed.
Martin
Relax. You're home free.
Daphne
You don't know the Woodchuck and his ways.
Daphne
Oh, we're terrible!
Martin
We are? You are! "The Woodchuck and his ways"?
Daphne
You know, we really should stop doing this. It's not nice.
Martin
Ah, you're right. We won't do it anymore.
Daphne
[as soon as the doors close, to Martin] How'd you get the stuff through Customs?
Martin
They never check the wooden leg.
Frasier
The answer has got to be in there somewhere!
Niles
Here's something. [reads] "Dreams as an expression of wish fulfillment."
Frasier
[grabs the book] Moving on.
Daphne
Goodness, are you two still here?
Martin
What are you working on?
Frasier
Nothing.
Niles
I'm helping Frasier interpret a dream he's been having. You know, maybe Dad can help.
Frasier
[alarmed] No, no, no... don't want to bore Dad with the details of this particular dream.
Niles
Dreams can be rooted in childhood experience. Maybe Dad remembers something you've repressed.
Martin
Gee, I don't know. If it's about when you were a kid I've repressed a lot of that myself. [exits to the kitchen]
Frasier
Niles, this is not a dream I wish to share with Dad, thank you very much.
Niles
Well, we've exhausted every other interpretation. So, I guess it's back to dreams as wish fulfillment...
Frasier
Oh, Dad... [he moves to the kitchen where Martin is making a sandwich] Would you mind listening to my dream to see if it conjures up any memories from my childhood?
Martin
Oh, come on. You're making too much out of this. It's a dream. Dreams are weird.
Frasier
Please, Dad. I wouldn't ask if it weren't really bothering me.
Martin
Well, all right... go on.
Frasier
All right... it starts out in a little motel room. I have a tattoo on my arm - "Chesty"...
Martin
See? That's weird.
Frasier
Yes. Then out from the bathroom steps a... All right, now before I continue, let me remind you that this is a dream. Not to be confused with reality. [Martin nods, still busy with his sandwich] Out from the bathroom steps a man... [off Martin's concerned expression] -eating lion!
Martin
[relieved] Oh, see? There again, weird. Look, dreams come, they go. They don't mean anything. Except, you know, if you're lucky, every once in awhile you might have one that's a lot of fun. Like, you hit a home run in the World Series or you're in the jungle with Jayne Mansfield and she gets bit by a snake.
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.
Martin
You know who Jayne Mansfield is, don't you?
Frasier
Yes, Dad.
Martin
You know what you do when you're bit by a snake, don't you?
Frasier
Yes, Dad. [leaves]
Martin
[to himself] Wish I knew what I had for dinner that night.
Daphne
Oh, I get it. Chesty refers to Gil Chesterton.
Frasier
Niles, you gossipy fishwife!
Daphne
[standing] There's no reason to feel self-conscious, Dr. Crane. We've all had dreams like that. I had one about a girl I shared a flat with once - a gymnast.
Niles
[standing] Go on, Daphne. This could be significant.
Daphne
Well, I remember we were doing stretches in the gymnasium, when suddenly we decided to take off all our clothes and go for a bounce on the trampoline. [giggles] The next thing you know, I'm chasing her around the pommel horse. Oh, never mind...
Niles
[aroused] Don't stop now! [off their looks] This could help us. [sits]
Daphne
Well, actually, I do have a theory of my own about your dream, if you'd like to hear it.
Frasier
What the hell.
Daphne
Well... in your dream, who was in the shower? Gil. What is a shower? Running water. Who needs water? Fish. What do fish have? Gills! Do you see where I'm going?
Frasier
Insane?
Daphne
It could be a dream about the loss of a beloved childhood pet.
Martin
[entering from the kitchen with Eddie] Thanks a lot, Eddie. Forty-five minutes in the park, you don't have to go. I get one bite into my sandwich and you give me the look.
Daphne
Mr. Crane, did Dr. Crane ever have a goldfish growing up?
Martin
A fish?
Daphne
Yes, as a pet.
Martin
How would I know? That was Hester's department. [to Eddie] Come on, let's go. [leaves]
Niles
Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frasier
That Dad can interpret the looks from his dog and has only the spottiest recollections of our childhoods?
Niles
No. No, no, no. Hester - Hesty. The tattoo - that's only one letter away from Chesty!
Frasier
Niles, are you saying that the dream could have been about mother?
Niles
Well?
Frasier
I suppose I could have misread the tattoo. [rolls up his shirt sleeve] Yes, yes... this freckle pattern here on my arm could be mistaken for a "C."
Daphne
And what swims in the sea? Fish! [off their looks] All right, all right I'll go. [exits to her room]
Niles
Well, so the tattoo could have said "Hesty." But the problem is, I don't ever remember Dad calling her that.
Frasier
But who's to say he didn't?
Both
Dad, Dad... Dad, Dad!
Martin
What?
Frasier
Did you ever have a nickname for Mother?
Martin
Oh, for God's sakes! Is this to do with that stupid dream?
Frasier
Dad, this is really important!
Niles
Any pet name? A term of endearment?
Martin
Well... when we were first married I used to call her "Honey." And then... there was a time after that that I started calling her "Sweetie."
Frasier
I'm sure there's a delicious anecdote behind each one of those. But did you ever call her "Hesty"?
Martin
"Hesty"?
Frasier
[forcefully] Oh, come on, think, man! Even once! Once, in all the years you lived together?!
Martin
[nervously] We-Well... I don't know. [elevator doors open] I- I guess...
Frasier
Really?
Martin
Yeah, maybe once... [stumbles into the elevator, disturbed]
Frasier
Oh, thank you Dad! [doors close] Well, there it is! I must have heard him call her "Hesty" once and neatly tucked it away into my subconscious.
Niles
Of course, it's so obvious! Gil is a food critic. Food, criticism...
Both
Mother!
Niles
It's the classic Oedipal dream!
Frasier
Yes, yes... only I was so frightened by my sexual urges to be with my mother that I transformed her into a man! Oh, what a relief! I've been wringing my hands over nothing. I mean, it's okay. All I want to do is have sex with my dead mother!
Frasier
Mom? Mommy?
Gil
[entering] Patience, Daddy!
Martin
You'd think by now I'd know better than to have that third Slim Jim before going to bed. Couldn't sleep either, huh?
Frasier
No. Frankly, I'm sort of afraid to go back to sleep. It's that damn dream again.
Martin
Oh, what are you worried about? It's just a dream. Worst case scenario - the man-eating lion leaps on top of you and mauls you.
Frasier
I'm sorry, Dad, I wasn't completely truthful with you before. The dream is really about me in a motel room with a male companion, Gil Chesterton.
Martin
You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
Frasier
Dad, please, I'd really like to discuss this!
Martin
No, Frasier, please. This makes me very uncomfortable. [he enters the kitchen with Frasier following him]
Frasier
Dad, please...
Martin
I know, I know... in your generation, men talk about everything. Everything's out in the open. [he begins to nervously clean the refrigerator and countertop, avoiding eye contact] You know what really drives me crazy is the way you all touch each other. Everybody hugs, you know? In my generation it was a... a handshake. That was good enough. Maybe if you felt especially close to someone you'd touch him on the shoulder, but never for more than two seconds. And don't talk to me about football players patting people's butts and everything, because that's different - that's sports, that's like war. Now, goodnight, son. [exits to the living room]
Frasier
Dad...!
Martin
Look, if you want to tell me something, write it on a post- it and stick it on the fridge.
Frasier
Look, I really want to talk about this! [Martin finally stops and faces Frasier] I've exhausted every other possible interpretation of this dream. Is it possible my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my sexuality?
Martin
Oh, that's ridiculous!
Frasier
Is it? I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports. God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see "West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Martin
Well, because of the gangs. That's scary for kids.
Frasier
Even gangs that dance?
Martin
Especially gangs that dance! [then] All right. Yeah... okay, yeah, I thought about it. But no, Frasier, no... I don't believe that. And you know why? Because you would have known by now. Your unconscious or whatever the hell you call it could no more have kept its yap shut than the rest of you.
Frasier
I suppose you're right.
Martin
Yeah. Now, come on, it's after 3:00. You're gonna be all worn out before your show tomorrow.
Frasier
What a tragedy that would be.
Martin
Now what are you complaining about?
Frasier
Oh, I don't know. I just haven't had any really interesting calls lately. I'm beginning to question whether I'm not bored with psychiatry. [sits at the table]
Martin
Boy, you'd never know it with the way you got your nose stuck in all those books.
Frasier
That's true. The one saving grace about this dream is it's given me a chance to flex my analytical muscle a bit.
Martin
Ah, maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
Frasier
Wait a minute. Could that be what this has been all about? I've been so intellectually unchallenged lately by my show that my mind had to create a dream that defies interpretation just to give me a challenge?
Martin
I don't know. Keep talking, you're making me sleepy.
Frasier
Dad, no... that's got to be it! [stands] My show hasn't provided me with a single patient worthy of my skills and I had to invent one myself - me! Oh, God! What a relief. At last, finally, to bed. Dad, you've witnessed an epiphany! [they move to the hall]
Martin
Yeah, God, I got to get you to put this on tape.
Frasier
[o.s.] Off we go. To sleep, perchance NOT to dream.
Freud
Dr. Crane, Dr. Siegmund Freud.
Frasier
Oh, my goodness! [they shake hands] It's quite an honor!
Freud
The honor is all mine. I gave you a complex psychological problem and you solved it. You are a brilliant psychiatrist.
Frasier
Oh, that's very flattering. You know, there are so many things I'd like to ask you!
Freud
In good time, my boy. In good time. Right now, we have more important matters.