Head Game

Frasier

So I decided it was time I got to know some of my colleagues in the media.

Niles

But a convention? You've never shown any interest before.

Frasier

They've never held one in Aspen before!

Niles

Just think: hundreds of radio psychiatrists all in the same location. One well-timed avalanche and the dignity of the entire psychiatric profession would be restored.

Frasier

[laughing] Oh, good one. I can always count on you for some witty retort.

Niles

Mmm... I insult you and you compliment me. Could the request for a favour be far behind?

Frasier

Damn, you are perceptive.

Niles

Oh, stop it.

Frasier

Oh, all right. Listen, Niles — I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.

Niles

Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier. I couldn't presume to fill those big floppy red shoes of yours.

Frasier

Please. Please, Niles. Look, I'm begging you. The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma' Nature. She does a gardening show and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.

Niles

It hasn't yet!

Frasier

Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.

Niles

[worriedly] What marker?

Frasier

Oh, I think you know.

Niles

You wouldn't.

Frasier

I would.

Niles

You can't!

Frasier

I will.

Niles

That was three years ago.

Frasier

I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would owe me one forever.

Niles

But you only spent one evening with Brie. That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.

Frasier

Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Hervé! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.

Niles

For your information Brie had a very tough road-a-ho growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.

Frasier

Did I mention she had a cold that night?

Niles

Monday at two it is.

Linda

[v.o.] And now we're at the point where all communication has broken down. He won't even listen to me.

Niles

[bored] Linda-

Linda

Do you know how annoying that is — not to be listened to?

Niles

[bored] Linda-

Linda

It's driving me crazy. I was hoping maybe you would speak to him directly.

Niles

Excuse me one moment. [presses the cough button] Thank you for the brilliant job of call screening, Roz. How do I get out of this?

Roz

Did you ever think of saying you've other callers on the line?

Niles

[back on air] Linda, I'd love to go into this in more depth but unfortunately we're nearly out of time and Roz has lots of other callers waiting anxiously on the line.

Roz

Actually, Dr. Crane, all lines are open!

Linda

So you can talk to him? Good. I'm putting him on the line right now. Go ahead!

Niles

All right. Murray — you're dealing with your problem in a very self-destructive manner. It won't be solved by refusing to eat. Do you hear me?

Linda

Oh my God, it's working. He's eating! Dr. Crane, what did you say to him?

Niles

Well I'd like to tell you but that would violate Doctor-Cat confidentiality! [Roz signals that the show is about to finish] Oh, well Seattle, I'm afraid we're out of time. This is Dr. Niles Crane. One down, four to go. See you tomorrow! [talking through the intercom to Roz] That little bit of sabotage was not amusing.

Roz

Then why did coffee come out my nose?

Bulldog

Hey, Dr. Doolittle. I heard your show. It didn't suck!

Niles

Ah. "Dear diary..."

Bulldog

So how's it feel?

Niles

Like I'm walking away from my lamppost and counting the bills in my garter belt!

Bulldog

OK. [blows his whistle] Both of you get out of here. I gotta set up for my show. I got Reggie McLemore on my show today. Don't ask me why.

Niles

I wasn't even going to ask who.

Roz

He's a guard for the Sonics.

Bulldog

He used to be unstoppable - 20 points a game easy. Now he's in the "tank." Just what I need on my show — a loser.

Bulldog

Oh look — there he is now. What an overpaid, worthless piece of... [Reggie comes through the door] HEY, REGGIE MY MAN!

Reggie

You never call me unless you need tickets, man. What's up with that?

Bulldog

I love this guy. [introducing Reggie to Roz] Reggie McLemore, Roz Doyle.

Roz

Hi, I'm a big fan of yours.

Reggie

Thanks.

Bulldog

[noticing Niles] I'd introduce you to this guy but he doesn't know squat about sports.

Niles

On the contrary — in prep school I was an ardent sportsman. Until an inflamed instep forced me to resign from the croquet club.

Niles

I'll see myself out.

Reggie

Wait a minute. You're the shrink. I heard you in my car on the way over.

Niles

Dr. Niles Crane. It's a pleasure.

Reggie

Hey Doc, wait. You sounded like you really knew what you were talking about. There's this little problem I've been having and I was wondering if maybe you could help me out?

Niles

What is it?

Reggie

See, for the last two weeks, every time I get my hands on the pill I choke.

Niles

Well, have you tried mashing it with a spoon?

Reggie

[deadpan stare] You don't watch much basketball, do you? It's my game, man. Because of me we've lost six in a row.

Niles

Oh. Well, I'm not very well-versed in sports psychology, but I could certainly schedule a session.

Reggie

No, no. I need something fast. We got Phoenix tonight.

Niles

This is highly irregular, but since you're pressed there are some exercises I can suggest.

Reggie

Oh, great. Thanks, man. Just name it — tickets to any game you want.

Niles

There's nothing wrong with your sense of humour. Have a seat.

Niles

We'll start with a positive visualisation. I want you to close your eyes. Take a deep breath. [Reggie does this] Good. I want you to imagine yourself on the playing surface doing whatever it is you actually do. Tell me what you see.

Reggie

OK. Kemp's passing me the ball. I'm bringing it up court. I'm dribbling.

Niles

[patting him supportively] Don't worry about your appearance. [Reggie looks strangely at him] Start again. I'll just be quiet.

Roz

Can I ask you a favour?

Bulldog

Yeah, forget it. He's married!

Roz

Hey! That's pretty offensive. Why did you assume that's what I wanted?

Bulldog

OK, then. What did you want?

Roz

Well, I don't know. I just wondered if...

Bulldog

[blowing a horn in her face] Time's up. Oh, by the way, if you're so hungry for some good-looking athletic guy, why won't you go out with me?

Roz

[holding her hand up above Bulldog's head] If you're not at least this tall you can't go on this ride.

Niles

This next exercise is designed to block negative feelings. I've tried it myself. Simply take a moment. Think of something comforting from childhood: a stuffed animal, a dog- eared copy of Middlemarch. [again Reggie looks baffled at Niles] You may have other memories!

Bulldog

Come on, Reggie. Ticket!

Reggie

I gotta run. Thanks a lot, Doc — I'll give it a try.

Niles

Oh, wait. I saw this. It has steps!

Reggie

[simply going for the option of ruffling Niles's hair] Later, man.

Daphne

You know, according to this article...

Martin

No, quiet! [Daphne looks angry while Martin remonstrates with the television] That's 3 seconds. Come on. He's camping out in the middle. No, don't double the ball — they'll just sling it around for a three. There it is — just like I said! [despairingly] Ohhhh! Oh, time out — sure, now you listen to me. [to Daphne] Can you believe this? Two minutes ago we were up six points, now...

Daphne

Quiet — this is my favourite commercial! No, don't pick that floor cleaner. It'll give your floors waxy build-up! No, don't do it. DON'T DO IT! D'ohhh!!

Martin

It's completely different.

Daphne

That'll be Dr. Crane. It'll be a pleasure to be around one man who's not obsessed with sports.

Niles

Hello, Daphne. [notices the television on] Ooh, the Sonics are on! Excuse me.

Niles

So, Dad...

Martin

Hold it, Niles — there's only nine seconds to go.

Niles

What's the score?

Martin

What do you care? [goes back to shouting at the television] Get it to McLemore. To McLemore — he's got the hot hand. Yes. Come on, Reggie... UNBELIEVABLE! SONICS WIN! [claps his hands in delight]

Niles

Oh, this is fantastic, Dad. Do you know...?

Martin

Shush, Niles. I want to see the replay. Get it to McLemore. UNBELIEVABLE! [claps his hands in delight]

Niles

You know, Dad, you might be interested to know...

Martin

Quiet, Niles — I want to see the interview.

Sportscaster

Reggie — got a minute? Great game tonight. Seems like your slump is over.

Reggie

Yeah, I was really feeling it out there tonight.

Sportscaster

What turned it around for you?

Reggie

Well, I was having a little problem getting my head together, but this radio shrink really helped me out. Dr. Niles Crane... [gestures thumbs-up to the camera.]

Sportscaster

Well, good luck against Utah.

Reggie

Thanks a lot.

Sportscaster

Let's head it back upstairs.

Martin

You?

Niles

[laughing] Is that so hard to believe?

Martin

Yeah!

Daphne

When did you talk to him?

Niles

He was on Bulldog's show today. We had a brief session in the hallway — not more than two minutes.

Martin

You turned Reggie's game around in only two minutes?

Niles

You could be a little less surprised. I am a skilled psychiatrist. During sixteen years in the field I have developed certain instincts.

Martin

I gotta say — I'm impressed.

Daphne

Yes. I'm starting to think I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you.

Martin

Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!

Niles

Thanks, Dad!

Worker 1

Hey Doc — great job! Go Sonics!

Worker 2

You the man!

Niles

Thank you. Er... same to you.

Niles

Heavens. I need a clip and a buff.

Roz

There he is — the toast of Seattle. I suppose you knew you'd made the sports section of the paper this morning?

Niles

Yes, I'd heard. I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?

Roz

Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.

Niles

Well, I know you always have!

Roz

[forcing a smile] You're a hero today so I'm going to let that one go.

Bulldog

Pucker up, baby — I'm planting a big wet one on ya! [grabs Niles' head and kisses him on the forehead.]

Niles

[shocked] Well, there's a layer of skin I'll be exfoliating this evening.

Bulldog

[overjoyed] I had 200 bucks on the Sonics!

Niles

Isn't gambling illegal?

Bulldog

[to Roz] Isn't he the cutest?

Roz

Oh, yeah.

Bulldog

OK. I hope you don't feel this way about chicks 'cause I got one of the Sonics' cheerleaders coming on my show today and she really wants to see you.

Roz

Believe it or not, Bulldog, not every man's dream woman is a pom-pom-shaking half-time half-wit.

Niles

Is she the head cheerleader?

Bulldog

Yeah. And she's coming in costume.

Roz

Of course she is — it's radio! [pushes Bulldog out the booth before turning to Niles with a stack of papers] Look at these faxes that came for you.

Niles

Faxes? [reads them] "Seattle thanks you." "You're the Sonics MVP." [turns to Roz inquisitively]

Roz

Most Valuable Player.

Niles

Oh! "You're a genius." With the less common J spelling but still, his point is well taken.

Roz

I bet you're feeling pretty good about yourself?

Niles

Suddenly I'm being revered as a god by the same troglodytes who, in junior high school, tried to pack me into my own briefcase. It's glorious.

Roz

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. [goes into her pocket] Reggie sent these tickets for tonight's game over.

Niles

Oh. Well, I suppose I can't disappoint my new fans. Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?

Roz

If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!

Martin

Hey.

Niles

Dad. What a surprise.

Martin

I'm not interrupting you or anything, am I?

Niles

No, no. Come on in. Is everything alright?

Martin

Oh sure, sure. I was just having lunch at McGinty's and some of the guys would really like to meet you and I was hoping that maybe after your show you'd stop in there for a drink. I mean, I wouldn't ask you but some of these guys are my best buddies.

Niles

Well actually Dad, Reggie just sent over these tickets to tonight's game. I was going to ask you to go, but since...

Martin

[grabbing the tickets out Niles's hands] To hell with those guys, I'm there!

Niles

I have to tell you I'm finding all this attention a bit overwhelming.

Martin

Oh come on — you deserve it. You're a hero.

Niles

Perhaps it's time we put all this in perspective. The only real heroes are the fine athletes who worked so hard for two hours to win that game. My contribution was minimal at best.

Bulldog

What did I tell ya, Doc?

Cheerleader

Which one of you won the game for us last night?

Niles

[pushing Martin out of the way] That would be me!

Martin

Nice seeing you too.

Niles

Dad, it really isn't necessary to tell everyone we bump into that [loudly] I'm the one Reggie credited with last night's victory!

Spectator

That was you?

Martin

Yeah, yeah. That's my son Niles Crane.

Niles

[sitting down on the baseline seats, unaware of their importance] They must have sold too many tickets. They've stuck us in these folding chairs.

Martin

Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.

Daphne

It's like front row orchestra, stage right.

Niles

Ooh.

Martin

Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.

Daphne

It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.

Reggie

Hey, N.C. — you made it.

Niles

I beg your pardon? Oh, "N.C." I thought you said Nancy. For a second it was prep school all over again. [introducing] Let me introduce - Reggie McLemore, Daphne Moon, and this...

Martin

Marty Crane, Niles's Dad. I'm a big fan. I want you to know I never lost faith in you. Not when you were in your slump. Not when you tanked it in the playoffs. Not even when all my friends were calling you "Reggie HacLemore" [laughs]

Reggie

What?

Niles

This might be a good time to try that negative thought- blocking exercise.

Reggie

Yeah, OK. You guys enjoy the game. I'll see you afterwards.

Niles

What the hell was that?!

Martin

That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.

Daphne

The stage manager just called places.

Niles

Ooh.

Niles

I gather Reggie's not performing up to par this evening?

Spectator

You got that from all the booing, huh? Nice counselling, Doc — he's been throwing up bricks all night!

Niles

Judging from that empty tureen of nachos and cheese you may be joining him.

Reggie

Doc, Doc, you gotta help me out here. I don't know what's wrong.

Niles

Perhaps you've forgotten some of my advice. Let's review quickly. Did you empty your mind of negative thoughts?

Reggie

Yeah.

Niles

What about the imaging exercises?

Reggie

Yeah, yeah, I did all that. What else did you tell me to do?

Niles

Nothing. Bulldog called you, you ran back in.

Reggie

No, no, wait. Right before that I rubbed your head. I remember 'cause my hand smelled like peach and I thought, "What the hell does this guy wash his hair with?"

Niles

Well, you can't possibly think that my head is some sort of lucky charm?

Reggie

[ruffling Niles's hair] We'll know in a minute.

Martin

Hey, I saw you talking to Reggie again. I hope you gave him some more advice.

Niles

I tried to but he has this absurd idea that...

Martin

No, no, wait.

Announcer

McLemore shoots three.

Martin

Unbelievable. What did you say to him?

Niles

I didn't say anything that he could possibly...

Daphne

Look, look. He's stolen the ball.

Announcer

McLemore. Three more.

Daphne

[patting Niles on the knee] Oh, Dr. Crane, you're a miracle worker. What did you say to him?

Niles

Oh, just something off the top of my head!

Daphne

Ooh, isn't this nice? Dr. Crane sent us a postcard from Aspen.

Martin

[uninterested] Great. How's he doing?

Daphne

Let's see. [reading the postcard] "I delivered a speech at the conference last night. I was especially pleased with my opening line: 'My fellow psychiatrists, as I watched you on the slopes today I realized I had never seen so many Freudians slip!'"

Daphne

[still reading] "As hard as you're laughing now, imagine the thunder of an auditorium of colleagues. Well, see you Saturday, Frasier." Well, I'd better get going. I'm meeting Joe at the movies. [checks her watch] Oh, bloody hell — it's later than I thought.

Martin

Enjoy.

Daphne

[rushing out] Yeah. Enjoy your game.

Daphne

Dr. Crane. Have fun at the game.

Niles

I'm afraid we won't be going.

Daphne

Ah. That's too bad.

Niles

Want to know why?

Daphne

Not really.

Martin

[into phone] VIP parking. Uh-huh. That's courtside, pal. Right on the hardwood, I swear to God. And Reggie said the seats are ours for the rest of the season. I believe it's what they call "living large"... I don't know, somewhere on TV. Yeah, OK. I gotta go. Bye! [to Niles] Let's go, Niles.

Niles

[uneasily] You know, Dad, I was thinking. Maybe we shouldn't go to the game today.

Martin

[laughing] You know what I was thinking? Maybe we shouldn't go to any of them. [laughs again] You know, that's one of the best things about this whole thing. When was the last time you and I joked like this? Well, we'd better get going, 'cause it's late.

Niles

Last night at the game, did you happen to notice when Reggie tousled my hair?

Martin

Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

Niles

Somehow, someway, he's convinced himself that that's what he needs to do in order to play well.

Martin

Oh. Well, can we talk about it in the car?

Niles

It has nothing to do with any advice I've given. It's all some sort of bizarre superstition and Reggie wants to rub my head again before today's game.

Martin

Well, you know, a lot of athletes have weird superstitions.

Niles

Yes, but I'm a psychiatrist. I can't let people think I'm treating the man when all I am is a rabbit's foot! I'd be taking credit for something I don't deserve.

Martin

OK. What would you be taking credit for? Helping him. What are you doing? Helping him. I'm getting my coat.

Niles

But I wouldn't be helping him as a psychiatrist.

Martin

Oh, that's what's bugging you? People thinking you're a good psychiatrist?

Niles

Exactly!

Martin

Are you a good psychiatrist?

Niles

Yes!

Martin

I'm getting my coat.

Niles

Dad, Dad, I'm sorry. We're not going.

Martin

Aw, man, I knew you'd find some way to ruin this! [throws his jacket to the floor]

Niles

Dad-

Martin

Courtside season tickets, VIP parking.

Niles

Dad-

Martin

No. Hell, you've got to have your reasons. [mocking Niles] "It's my ethics. It's my integrity. It's my allergies." Well, that's it. [grabs his newspaper] I'm never getting my hopes up again.

Niles

Dad, you can still watch the game on TV.

Martin

[looking away from Niles] I don't want to watch it on TV!

Niles

I'll get you a beer.

Martin

[looking away from Niles] I don't like beer!

Niles

Dad, you know I'm right.

Martin

Will you look me in the eye and answer me one question: would you still be doing this if these were courtside seats at the opera?

Niles

Yes. My ethics are ethics. And by the way — where do you think I got those ethics?

Martin

Oh, yeah. Throw it back at me. That's real mature!

Niles

I'd like to talk to Mr. McLemore.

Guard

Who wants to see him?

Niles

Tell him N.C. is here.

Guard

Nancy?

Niles

No. [spelling it out] N-C. [the guard disappears into the locker room] What is so hard about that?

Reggie

Damn man, where have you been? I've got to be on court in five minutes. [goes to rub Niles' head]

Niles

[putting his hand up] Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk. [guard glances over worryingly]

Reggie

What's up?

Niles

I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I need to end it.

Reggie

What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?

Niles

Well, no. We can still see each other to talk, but no touching. [Again the guard looks over] That part of our relationship is over. [notices the guard staring] Does this concern you?

Guard

It's starting to! [he heads through to the locker room]

Reggie

Come on, dude. [reaches his hand out]

Niles

No. Now listen. Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head?

Reggie

Yeah.

Niles

Listen to me closely. You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill. Marshal your talents. Concentrate. Focus. The key to your success is to trust your own God-given abilities. It has nothing to do with my head!

Reggie

[thinking] It must be your hair.

Niles

[losing his patience] Will you stop it? You're obsessing!

Reggie

Come on, man — just let me touch it?

Niles

No! You have to look at this logically. I can't come down here for every game and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour. This is not a long-term solution. What you need is legitimate therapy. You want to start? Come inside — I'll give you a quick session. We can proceed from there.

Reggie

Yeah, you're right, Doc. What I need is a long-term solution.

Niles

Good.

Reggie

Yo Frank, let me see those scissors. [takes scissors out of his bag] Coming, Doc. [follows Niles into the locker room]