Mixed Doubles
Aired 19th November 1996 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Oh my God... breathtaking.
Niles
Well, don't be greedy! Your turn was over forty seconds ago!
Frasier
All right, all right, Niles, all right. [steps away] It's the penthouse unit, fourth from the left.
Niles
[looking] Oh, mama!
Martin
You two know that what you're doing isn't right, don't you?
Frasier
We're simply admiring a very rare Brancusi armchair, not a naked woman.
Martin
That's what I'm talking about.
Martin
Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne
Evening.
Martin
You're home kind of early, aren't you?
Daphne
A bit. Something... sort of happened.
Martin
Oh, yeah? What?
Daphne
Well, Joe and I were having dinner. Everything was nice as could be, and I said, "Don't you like your potato?" And he said, "No, I'm not hungry for potato just now." So I said, "Well, if you don't like your potato you're welcome to try my potato"—
Frasier
Daphne? Could we hasten to the post-potato portion of the dialogue?
Daphne
Well, that's when he said it. He said we'd been "on-again, off-again" for too long without making anything permanent, so maybe it was best if we just broke up.
Martin
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. You're sure taking it well. Boy, if you'd have told me Joe would end up dumping you tonight, I'd have been—
Daphne
Oh, God. He dumped me!
Martin
Somebody comfort her!
Niles
Right!
Daphne
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, never mind about that. Expressing our emotions is always beneficial, even if it does come at the expense of our pride [she blows her nose on his lapel] and a very expensive brand-new Italian silk jacket.
Frasier
You know, I don't seem to be doing much good here. Why don't one of you give it a try?
Niles
Very well.
Martin
Now, Daphne, it's all right. You're better off without him. That guy was a bum.
Daphne
He was the best thing in my life!
Martin
Oh. Well, maybe you two weren't meant for each other, you know? I mean, you're a champagne-and-caviar sort of gal, he's a meat-and-potatoes guy.
Daphne
[crying at the memory] Potatoes!
Martin
I'm messing up, too.
Niles
I've got it, Dad.
Daphne
I'll get it!
Roz
Hey, Daphne!
Daphne
[a cry of pain] Roz...
Roz
Oh my God, you got dumped! [hugs her; over her shoulder, to Frasier] Did you make her answer the door?
Frasier
It's what she does!
Roz
[to Daphne] Oh, it's all right, come on.
Daphne
I'm sorry about this. I guess I'm still at the point where I can't hear his name without crying.
Niles
You hear that, everyone? No one mention the name "Joe!"
Frasier
Brandy, Niles?
Niles
Uh, yes. Thank you. Frasier? I've just made an important decision. I'm going to tell Daphne how I feel about her.
Frasier
What?
Niles
I'm going to tell her tonight.
Frasier
You're serious about this?
Niles
I'm dead serious. Maris and I are nowhere near reconciling. I know this is the right decision, because I'm completely calm about it. Look.
Niles
Perhaps I'll take that brandy.
Frasier
Niles, before you do anything this rash, you should consider it first from all angles.
Niles
I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.
Frasier
I'm just not sure this is the right moment for this.
Niles
No, no, if you're trying to rattle me it's not going to work. I've been rehearsing this for months. "Daphne, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's a matter of... Daphne, for a long time now, uh... you and I, we" — exactly how's the brandy getting here, by St. Bernard?!
Frasier
Niles, I just think that you should consider Daphne's state of mind. She's still reeling from her breakup with Joe. Listen, why don't you give it one more day?
Niles
A day?
Frasier
A day. Just one day, please! You've waited this long, another day won't make a difference.
Niles
All right.
Roz
Now, Daphne, if the jewelry wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
Frasier
Dr. Roz wades in with the "Gabor approach" to therapy!
Roz
I am taking Daphne out and getting her mind off her troubles. Here's your tape. [puts it on the table]
Frasier
Oh, thank you, Roz.
Daphne
I want to thank you both for being so supportive.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne, nonsense. You know, after three years, you're really a member of the family.
Daphne
[still crying] I'll get it.
Frasier
It's what she does!
Martin
What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the paint?
Frasier
Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.
Martin
You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...
Frasier
Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's Pagliacci. You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Frasier.
Frasier
Either your boutonniere is way over the top, or you're here to execute last night's plan.
Niles
Look, I know I don't have your total support in this, but... how shall I put this?
Frasier
You don't care?
Niles
If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it. The fact is, I'm tired of being lonely, and it makes no sense going on being lonely when the woman I long for is unattached.
Frasier
Yes, well, as I said to you at the time you tried to jump out of the tree house with an umbrella, "I suppose you know what you're doing."
Martin
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Frasier
[answering] Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is Daphne in her room?
Martin
Gee, I don't know. [screaming] DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!
Frasier
For God's sake, I can yell! [into phone] Would you hold, please?
Martin
I've been waiting thirty years to do that.
Niles
You're probably wondering what I'm doing with these flowers.
Martin
Well, now that you mention it—
Niles
Well, I'll tell you. They're for Daphne. I'm going to tell her how I feel about her.
Martin
Oh, that's great, Niles.
Niles
"That's great?"
Martin
Well, yeah. You're single now. She's single. What's the problem?
Niles
[laughing] That's so funny.
Martin
What is?
Niles
That's just not the reaction I expected. I thought you'd say something more Dad-like, like...
Martin
You're out of your mind?
Niles
[laughing] Yes.
Martin
She's never gonna go for it in a million years?
Niles
[still laughing] Stop it!
Martin
Someday you're gonna look back on this as the stupidest, most idiotic—
Niles
[not laughing] I said stop it, Dad.
Daphne
Morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Daphne
Oh, don't you look nice. [picks up phone] Hello? Yes, Rodney, I'm so glad you called! Yes, I enjoyed meeting you too. Oh, well, yes, that would be lovely. I'll see you around four, then. Bye. [hangs up]
Frasier
Rodney?
Daphne
Yes, you won't believe this. Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls "The Sure Thing."
Frasier
How flattering. They've named a bar after her.
Daphne
She says that whenever she takes a friend there, they always end up meeting someone. Well, I wasn't there ten minutes when she spun my barstool around and I was face-to-face with this nice-looking man.
Martin
Rodney?
Daphne
Right! I suppose it's a bit soon for me to be seeing anyone else. But, if I wait, he might not be available when I'm ready.
Niles
Timing is everything.
Daphne
I can't wait to tell Roz!
Niles
"Give it a day, Niles." I believe that was your brilliant advice?
Frasier
I'm sorry, Niles, I really am. I don't know what to say.
Niles
[dropping the flowers on the table] Too bad you didn't have that problem last night.
Martin
Don't let it get you down.
Niles
I'm not going to. I still have a fallback position. [grabs Frasier's rolodex and starts flipping through it] I'm going to call Roz and have her take me to that bar tonight!
Frasier
Niles, really — a singles bar? Please, you're not thinking clearly. That's not exactly your arena, is it? Listen, why don't you just give it a day and think it over... [off Niles's glare] Here, let me dial that for you.
Niles
Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous I could wet myself.
Roz
Well, at least we have your opening line down.
Niles
You're going to have to be patient with me, Roz. This isn't exactly my milieu.
Roz
O.K., let's make that lesson number one. If you're going to use words like "milieu," you might as well show up here with a sore on your lip and a couple of kids.
Niles
Point well taken.
Roz
Will you sit down and relax? [he sits next to her] You're gonna be fine. There's just a few little rules you need to know. First, when you introduce yourself, be as casual as possible. Second, you cannot say enough nice things about her hair. I know that sounds shallow, but it really works. And third, hang on her every word — be fascinated. Now go.
Niles
What do you mean, "go"?
Roz
It's time.
Niles
I'm not ready.
Roz
Oh, I've thrown a lot of little babies in the water and they've all come up swimming. Now go.
Niles
No, no, I couldn't possibly, not yet, I need to—
Niles
Hello.
Adelle
Hello.
Niles
Hope I'm not bothering you.
Adelle
No, not at all. I'm Adelle.
Niles
Niles. [shakes her hand] So, "Adelle"... is that with one "l" or two?
Adelle
Two.
Niles
[fascinated] Really?
Martin
You're wasting your time.
Frasier
No, I'm not.
Martin
You're not gonna win.
Frasier
It's time he learned what it's like to be stared at all the time. Bring it on, Buster, you got nothing. You can't touch me, I'm — Gaah! [breaks away, clutching his eyes] It's like his eyes turned into sorcerer's pinwheels and started spinning!
Martin
Just shake hands and say "good fight."
Martin
Oh, hi, Niles! Come on in.
Niles
Dad, this is Adelle Childs — my father Martin.
Martin
Nice to meet you. [shakes her hand]
Niles
And this is my brother, Frasier.
Frasier
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Adelle
Nice to meet you.
Niles
Are you all right? Your eyes look funny.
Frasier
Oh, I'm fine, it's just — oh, here are your tickets. [gives them to Niles]
Niles
Thank you.
Frasier
Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?
Adelle
That'd be nice.
Frasier
Splendid! Gives me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set — a series of six unique cups, each one representing a different wife of Henry VIII. My antique dealer just found an "Anne of Cleves" to complete the set!
Martin
He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a "Wilma" to complete my juice glass set.
Niles
I'll lend you a hand. [to Adelle] Excuse me.
Niles
So, what do you think?
Frasier
She seems very nice.
Niles
She's fabulous. I know it's only been three dates, but I feel as though I've been rescued. I no longer have to worry about becoming one of those pitiful losers embittered by a failed marriage, leading a lonely pathetic life of... [off Frasier's withering look] fulfillment and good times!
Frasier
Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?
Frasier
Well, coffee will be ready in a moment.
Adelle
So what were you two whispering about?
Niles
Oh, nothing — just how, whenever you think you have your life figured out, something unexpected happens.
Daphne
Sorry, forgot my keys. Hello, all. Oh, everyone, this is Rodney Banks.
Daphne
Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles
How do you do?
Rodney
The pleasure is mine.
Rodney
Flu season.
Niles
Can't be too careful.
Daphne
Oh, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, and his father Martin. And...
Niles
This is Adelle Childs.
Daphne
Hello.
Adelle
Hello.
Daphne
Well, we've just had the most wonderful day at the marina.
Martin
Oh, you get a boat?
Rodney
Actually, no. I have an inner-ear curvature that makes me prone to motion sickness. [Martin looks at Frasier, incredulous] But there's a charming bistro there that serves the most exquisite—
Niles
Not me.
Rodney
Not me.
Martin
Hello? Oh, I can't talk right now, Duke. I'm in the Twilight Zone. [hangs up]
Frasier
Would, uh, you like a coffee?
Daphne
Oh yes, that would be lovely.
Martin
I'll give you a hand, Frasier!
Frasier/Martin
What the hell was that?!
Frasier
I think maybe we should put a little red mark on the real Niles so we can tell them apart!
Martin
Niles must be going nuts!
Niles
Can I lend you a hand?
Martin
Oh no, that's fine, Niles. [Niles turns to go] Oh, wait, wait a minute! So, uh... what do you think of Rodney?
Niles
Well, so far I'm not impressed. Bit of a pretentious fop, wouldn't you say?
Martin
He doesn't, uh, remind you of anyone?
Niles
Remind me of anyone...
Rodney
So sorry, but about my coffee? I neglected to mention that I like my milk steamed, with just a dollop of foam, such as might give the impression of a cumulus cloud reflected in a still pond.
Niles
Consider it done.
Niles
I want to kill myself!
Martin
Come on, Niles, it's funny!
Niles
No! It's not remotely funny! Frasier talked me out of approaching Daphne on the same night she fell for that man!
Frasier
You can't possibly be mad at me!
Niles
No, no, Frasier, I'm grateful. [grabs a kitchen knife] Come here, let me show you how grateful I am!
Martin
[getting in his way] Niles, calm down!
Daphne
Isn't Rodney just great? [everyone agrees] You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."
Niles
You're a dead man!
Frasier
Let's serve our guests their coffee!
Frasier
Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way, Niles is still steaming.
Rodney
Nothing smells quite so heavenly as a freshly brewed cup of coffee. Well, perhaps one thing does.
Daphne
Oh, stop that! [laughing] He just loves to smell my hair!
Frasier
[stricken] Anne Boleyn?
Niles
[o.s.] Catherine of Aragon.
Frasier
Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't take my calls, you ignore me. For God's sake, it's the behavior of a pouting adolescent. [sits down] Are you quite finished now? [realizes] You put gum on my chair, didn't you?
Niles
Yep.
Frasier
[removing the gum] Niles, listen: I am terribly sorry if I steered you wrong. But just think about it. You do have a wonderful new woman in your life now, don't you?
Niles
Yes, I—I suppose I do.
Frasier
And Adelle does make you very happy, doesn't she?
Niles
[perking up] Yes. [chuckles] Yes, she does.
Frasier
Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before, take this: Adelle may very well be the path to your happiness.
Frasier
But let's say I'm wrong...
Niles
But-but you're not wrong. Adelle is a wonderful, affectionate woman.
Niles
She's clearly drawn to a man of my type.
Frasier
Mmm.
Niles
Just thinking about her lifts my spirits. Frasier... thank you.
Frasier
Niles, uh... [sighs] look.
Niles
I don't believe it! The betrayal! No one treats Daphne like that!
Frasier
Niles! Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!
Niles
Hello, Adelle.
Adelle
[startled] Oh no.
Rodney
I know this may look a tad incriminating, but the truth is—
Niles
Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay. I know exactly what's going on here, I saw the whole thing from my table.
Adelle
I was going to call you! You see, Rodney and I... I'm sorry.
Niles
So am I, Adelle. But I'm mainly sorry for Daphne. How do you intend to handle that small matter?
Rodney
I was planning on telling her this evening at Granville's. We're meeting for drinks.
Niles
Granville's... why don't you do her a favor? Let me tell her. It might be better coming from a friend.
Rodney
Yes, perhaps you're right. Please tell her that I'm sorry. Sometimes, when a man meets the woman that he's meant to be with, [clasps Adelle's hand affectionately] there's nothing he can do to resist it. I hope Daphne understands that.
Niles
I hope she understands it too.
Frasier
Rodney... [growling] Adelle.
Frasier
You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney: do you have an older brother?
Rodney
As a matter of fact, I do. He's always been the pride of the family — handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always been rather jealous of him.
Frasier
Spooky.
Niles
Evening, Daphne.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
You don't seem surprised to see me.
Daphne
I was running late, so I called Rodney on his cell phone. He told me everything.
Niles
Oh. I'm sorry.
Daphne
I'm sorry for you, too. [raising her glass] Join me in a little sorrow-drowning?
Niles
I believe I will. [to bartender] One more of these, please. [the bartender pours him a glass of wine] Thank you. [to Daphne] Well, I can't really blame Adelle. Rodney's that sort of man that women seem to go for.
Daphne
[sadly] Yes, he is.
Niles
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
Daphne
You didn't. I guess I'm just in more of a mood to hear about his negative qualities right now.
Niles
Well, he's a bit of a know-it-all, a bit fussy...
Daphne
Has to have everything just so, he's nuts about cleanliness, then there's his clothes, his precious shoes—
Niles
I don't like this road we're on. I mean, wouldn't it be better if we discussed what's in our futures?
Daphne
I suppose so. I'll tell you one thing. After the run I've had, I pity the next man I date. I'd probably rip him to shreds.
Niles
What about the man after that?
Daphne
Men can be such an unfeeling lot. Look at Rodney — the moment he heard I'd just broken up with someone, he moved right in for the kill. Is that how all men are?
Niles
No, not all men.
Daphne
Of course they aren't. You're not. You're kind, sensitive — you ask me, you were too good for that Adelle.
Niles
Thank you, Daphne. You know, the truth is my heart was never really in that relationship.
Daphne
I thought it might not be.
Niles
There was someone else who was too much on my mind.
Daphne
I had a feeling, Dr. Crane.
Niles
You did?
Daphne
Yes. As long as you still have feelings for your wife, you know you can't be involved with anyone else. It makes sense to me — I know I'd never get involved with a man who was separated.
Niles
Even if he'd worshipped you from the day he laid eyes on you?
Daphne
And don't think that's not just how they put it, too! [laughs] No, I think I need to do a bit of separating myself — from Joe, I mean. Yes, I'll wait a good long time before I do anymore dating.
Niles
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Daphne
[chuckling] You know, it's funny when you think about it — the two of us coming to this same singles bar this week? Why, this was the very stool I was on when I met Rodney.
Niles
I was sitting here when I met Adelle. [she chuckles again] What?
Daphne
Oh, I was just thinking. If it'd been a different time in both our lives, we might actually have met. How do you suppose that would have gone?
Niles
What, our conversation?
Daphne
Yeah, come on! Just for fun — we could both use a smile.
Niles
Well, uh... first I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" And you would have said, "no." You would have said, "my name is Daphne," and I would have said "my name is Niles." And then I would have said... "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"
Daphne
[laughing] You always know just what to say. [then, as a friend would say it] Oh, I love you, Dr. Crane.
Niles
I love you too, Daphne.