A Lilith Thanksgiving

Niles

Hello? Yes, Buck? It's Dr. Crane. I'm calling to see if the cabin is ready for us. You've got the case of Montrachet? Good, good. And the Thanksgiving feast will be delivered promptly at three? Good. And the woodpile's been thoroughly inspected for spiders? Excellent! Thank you. [He hangs up.] Well, we're ready to rough it in the great Northwest! [He goes to get a sherry.]

Daphne

If you don't mind me asking, are you taking along anything to keep your nephew amused?

Niles

Yes, his grandfather. Oh, by the way, what time are Lilith and Frederick flying in tomorrow?

Martin

Her broom touches down at eleven.

Frasier

All right, now, when you mist the plants, make sure that the water is not too cold. I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.

Roz

I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?

Frasier

I'll leave you our number at Niles's cabin, in case anything goes wrong. Oh, yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.

Roz

Then you're not doing it right.

Daphne

I'll leave you my number in San Francisco, too.

Roz

You're not going to the cabin with them?

Frasier

No, no, Daphne's decided to spend a traditional Thanksgiving with her transvestite Uncle Jackie.

Daphne

Come on, Roz, I'll show you around the kitchen.

Roz

So, this uncle of yours, does he dress like a woman all the time?

Daphne

Oh, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it.

Martin

What's wrong?

Niles

Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.

Martin

Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard.

Niles

Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? [They all share a chuckle.] Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! [Another chuckle.] Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.

Frasier

Yeah.

Frasier

Hello? Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith.

Martin

Gee, it's like they're still married.

Daphne

If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.

Roz

I don't know how you live with him.

Daphne

Huh, I don't know how you work with him.

Roz

Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.

Daphne

[laughing] Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.

Frasier

OK, you tell Frederick I said "Bravo!" [He hangs up.] Frederick just passed the qualifying exam for the Marbury Academy!

Niles

Huzzah!

Martin

What is that? Some school?

Frasier

"Some-school?" Oh, Dad, please. The Marbury Academy is the most exclusive private school in all of Boston.

Niles

It's a breeding ground of power and privilege.

Frasier

Lilith and I have to be interviewed by the headmaster. He's got such a busy schedule, he's agreed to see us on Thanksgiving morning. Now this, of course, changes our plans.

Martin

Wait, you mean I don't get to see my grandson?

Frasier

Of course you do. We'll move our whole Thanksiving celebration to Boston. I'll call the airline.

Niles

[Pulling out his cell phone] Yes, I better cancel our rustic Thanksgiving. [into phone] Hello, Buck? It's Dr. Crane. Take the mints off the pillows.

Lilith

Frederick, your father is here.

Martin

Hi, Lilith, how ya doin'?

Niles

Happy Thanksgiving, Lilith.

Lilith

Martin, Niles.

Martin

Nice neighborhood. Noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.

Lilith

Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns. Niles, I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule. So, I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey.

Niles

Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you?

Lilith

I'm nearly done defrosting.

Niles

[unable to resist] And the turkey?

Lilith

Might I suggest you stuff it?

Frasier

So the rabbit said to the bear, "No, no, I said 'oedipal,' not 'edible!'"

Freddie

Good one, Dad.

Frasier

Hello, Lilith. [kisses her cheek]

Lilith

You're late.

Frasier

Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Well, there Frederick. [puts him down] Now, Mommy and Daddy have to head off to this meeting, then I'm all yours. Meanwhile, why don't you head off upstairs and show Grandad and Uncle Niles your brand-new computer.

Freddie

OK.

Martin

Come on, sport.

Frasier

My God, are you half as nervous as I am?

Lilith

And then some.

Frasier

We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?

Lilith

Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.

Frasier

I'll assume you meant the Valium.

Lilith

Perhaps before the interview, you should sheath that butter-knife sharp wit of yours.

Frasier

Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that butt of yours a notch or two!

Lilith

Frasier, stop. We should be focusing on our son.

Frasier

You're right, of course. We've always had our differences but we've been able to put them aside for the welfare of Frederick.

Lilith

And this may be the most important thing we ever do to ensure his happiness.

Frasier

Not counting our divorce.

Martin

Hey, Freddie and I are gonna break in this new mitt I bought him. [He musses Freddie's hair.]

Lilith

[smoothing Freddie's hair] Uh, Frederick doesn't play ball. He was just about to watch "Pocahontas" and write a satirical essay on the historical inaccuracies.

Frasier

Well, we're off.

Niles

Oh, no, wait, where do you keep your saffron?

Lilith

Third cupboard.

Niles

Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?

Lilith

In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.

Niles

In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?

Frasier

All right, now, Freddie. Mommy and Daddy are going to see you're wearing a Marbury blazer or die trying.

Niles

Dad, maybe you should remove the entrails.

Martin

No can do. Freddie and me are gonna play catch.

Freddie

Mother says balls are for the slow children.

Martin

Yeah? Well, Grandpa's in charge now. You're gonna love baseball, it's easy as riding a bike.

Freddie

Mother says bikes are for the...

Martin

Yeah, I know, I know.

Lilith

Dr. Campbell.

Campbell

Dr. Sternin.

Frasier

Dr. Campbell.

Campbell

Dr. Crane. Please come in.

Lilith

You have a lovely home.

Frasier

Yes, and thank you so much for seeing us today.

Campbell

You're quite welcome. Make yourselves comfortable, I'll get us some coffee.

Lilith

Thank you.

Frasier

I think that went rather well, don't you?

Lilith

So far, so good.

Frasier

Oh my God, we have just got to get Frederick into this school.

Lilith

I am so nervous, I feel as though all the color has drained from my face. How is my makeup? [They sit.]

Frasier

Well, you could use a pinch.

Lilith

Do I have time?

Frasier

No, you could use a pinch. [He pinches her cheeks hard to put some color in them.]

Lilith

Thank you.

Frasier

Oh, oh lord. Oh, dear.

Lilith

What? What?

Frasier

Well, I just reached down to pull a thread off what I thought was my jacket, it seems it attached to this cushion. Oh, look, now this little bird has no beak!

Lilith

Stop doing that!

Frasier

Give me your nail clippers.

Lilith

I didn't bring them, just bite it off.

Campbell

Does either of you take cream?

Frasier

Oh, yes, thank you.

Campbell

[sitting] Then let me begin by saying that the child who fills this opening need not worry for the future.

Lilith

Opening? There's only one?

Campbell

Yes. Well, children of alumni and certain generous benefactors are of course given preference.

Frasier

Oh, of course.

Lilith

Of course.

Campbell

Now, regarding your Frederick. His scores are of course excellent and I've no doubt he's being courted by other prestigious schools.

Lilith

Oh, yes.

Frasier

Yes, that goes without saying.

Campbell

Still, we like to think we are a cut above. Our sixth grade talent show just formed a highly successful cast album.

Lilith

Frederick has perfect pitch.

Frasier

Yes, we often use him to tune the piano.

Campbell

Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Ah, Senator Geiger. I thought I made it perfectly plain that you'd be notified by mail. Well, Senator, rules may not mean anything on Capitol Hill, but they still mean something to me. And that is why young Noah will be seeking his education elsewhere. Do I SOUND flexible? Marbury thanks you for your interest.

Lilith

Frasier, your coffee.

Campbell

Oh, yes, please be careful. Those chairs have been in the family for three generations.

Martin

OK, let's take a look. [There is a huge bruise on one eye.] Oh, it's not so bad.

Niles

AHH! [then:] Ya hardly notice it. [He takes a drink.]

Freddie

Uh-oh, I lost my MedicAlert bracelet.

Martin

Well, maybe it fell off when we were playin' catch.

Freddie

I'll go look. [He goes outside.]

Martin

All right. I still don't know how it happened. I lobbed it right to him.

Niles

When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing the Crane boys are skilled at catching is sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus. [He opens the fridge looking for something.] Let's make a pact that while we are guests of Lilith's we'll avoid all activities that could possibly harm Frederick. Where are those pie crusts?

Freddie

[coming in] Found it.

Freddie

I taste blood.

Martin

Now you've done it!

Niles

Oh, God, Frederick, I am so sorry.

Martin

It's them! Hey, pal, why don't we go find some cotton upstairs for that thing, huh?

Niles

Dad, wait, wait, how am I going to explain this to Lilith?

Martin

Well, I don't know. How did you give Maris bad news?

Niles

Usually by breaking a tranquilizer in her Slim Fast.

Lilith

Did you notice how those patrician eyebrows of his arched when you mentioned Frederick's National Science Award?

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

I take it Dr. Campbell was favorably impressed.

Lilith

We had an initial bout of nervousness, but after that, we did an absolute bang-up job.

Niles

Speaking of bang-up jobs...

Frasier

You know, Lilith, there's just one question I wished we'd answered differently.

Lilith

Which one?

Frasier

Remember when he mentioned that Frederick was being courted by other schools? I wonder if we shouldn't have made it clear that Marbury is far and away our first choice.

Lilith

Frasier, if you over-analyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.

Niles

Speaking of hard-to-explain bruises...

Frasier

Well, you know, you're right, you're right, of course. I'm sure everything's fine.

Lilith

Unless we didn't convey to him how highly we regard Marbury.

Frasier

Well, you see, that is my worry.

Lilith

We must correct this. [She picks up the phone.] What should I say?

Frasier

Oh, Lilith, stop, stop. Remember what happened when the senator called. We need a ruse.

Lilith

You're right. How's this? We go back and I say that I lost my earring in his living room.

Frasier

And while we're looking for it, we casually mention that Marbury is Frederick's first and only choice.

Lilith

Perfect.

Frasier

Let's go.

Niles

Speaking of dumb-ass ideas...

Frasier

Ah, yes, Dr. Campbell, I hope we're not disturbing anything important.

Campbell

Well, actually, I'm a bit frazzled trying to get my Thanksgiving dinner together.

Lilith

I'm afraid I lost an earring here this morning.

Campbell

Well, I'll have a look around and call you if it turns up.

Frasier

Well, um...

Lilith

Do you think I might be able to take a peek right now? I wouldn't even think of asking, but it was a treasured gift from... Golda Meir.

Campbell

Very well. [They come in.]

Lilith

Thank you.

Campbell

Forgive me. I must turn the heat down on the pumpkin soup. [He exits to the kitchen.]

Frasier

Lilith, we rehearsed everything we were going to say on the ride over. Where the hell did Golda Meir come from?

Lilith

Well, I admit it wasn't half as clever as "Umm..." but it got us in.

Campbell

[from kitchen] Any luck?

Frasier

Not yet.

Lilith

We're so sorry for this. The whole ride over, we kept saying "Why did this have to happen at the only school that matters to us?"

Frasier

Yes, as you know, Marbury is our first choice.

Lilith

Oh, look, here it is. That was lucky.

Campbell

Remarkably so, considering that wasn't the chair you were sitting in.

Lilith

Umm...

Frasier

Well, I suppose it's time we be shoving off.

Campbell

I'm curious. I've always been a great admirer of Mrs. Meir. How did you meet?

Lilith

Oh, well, it's a funny story. Frasier you tell it much better than I do.

Frasier

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Back in college days, Lilith spent a summer at a kibbutz. And, uh, was dating her grandson, Oscar.

Campbell

That would be Oscar Meir?

Frasier

Yes, well just imagine the ribbing he took.

Campbell

[leading them to the door] Indeed. Well it was so good seeing you both again. Enjoy you're Thanksgiving. Marbury thanks you for your interest.

Frasier

Wait, wait a minute. "Marbury thanks you for your interest." We know what that means.

Campbell

Oh good, then you'll have no trouble interpreting this.

Niles

You had to give him gum, didn't you? And not just gum, bubblegum.

Martin

Well, maybe what threw him off is having to breathe through his mouth while he chewed it.

Niles

You know, Frederick, when I was a boy, nothing brought a smile to my face like when Mother would make a remoulade and let me lick the spoon.

Freddie

Thanks, Uncle Niles.

Niles

You're welcome.

Martin

You think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit?

Niles

Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye.

Freddie

Uh-oh. Is there anchovies in this?

Niles

Yes. Oh my God! I've never seen hives break out that fast! [A car pulls up.] They're back!

Martin

Freddie, you got any pills for this?

Freddie

I got pills for everything.

Lilith

Of all the name in the universe, you had to pick Oscar?

Frasier

You started us down that path of insanity. Golda Meir. Golda My-ass!

Lilith

This sniping is pointless. Getting into Marbury was a longshot anyway. You heard the man. Most of these openings go to children of alumni and generous benefactors.

Frasier

Yes, yes. Wait a minute. Oh, my God we're such fools! Don't you see what the man was trying to tell us? He was trying to give us the way to get Frederick accepted.

Lilith

Are you saying he was fishing for a donation? So you think he was just trying to see if we were willing to pay our fair share.

Frasier

What else?

Freddie

Hi, Daddy.

Frasier

In a minute, Frederick. My God, it was right there in front of us and we missed it, we didn't even see it.

Lilith

How could we be so blind?

Frasier

Well, we should get ourselves back down there and give the man what he wants.

Lilith

Right, we can't let anything stand in the way of our son's welfare.

Freddie

Mother...

Lilith

Mother has to run, munchkin. Go play with Grandpa.

Campbell

Ah, Dr. Sternin and Dr. Crane. Forgive me if I don't give you a big hello hug, but as you can see, I'm wearing this greasy apron. On top of which, I'm beginning to loathe the sight of both of you.

Lilith

All the more reason for us to be brief.

Campbell

Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way, just as soon as you've found the cufflink given to you by Haile Selassie.

Lilith

No false pretense this time. We know that with so many qualified applicants and only one position open, that your decision must be very difficult.

Frasier

Yes, and so, in the spirit of the holidays, like Indians to your pilgrims' table, we bring this little bit of garnish, as it were, in the hopes that our relationship may flower. [He gives Campbell an envelope.]

Campbell

I'll have you know that, in twenty-two years, I have never accepted a bribe. I have to tell you, I find this utterly offensive. [He looks at the amount of the check.] In every possible way. And now, if you don't mind, I have guests on the way. And a turkey so undercooked, a skilled veterinarian could still save him.

Frasier

But, Dr. Campbell...

Campbell

Unless the rest of that sentence is "I have a fully cooked turkey in the breast pocket of that blazer," I'm afraid our conversation is at an end.

Campbell

This is indeed a very special holiday for us all. Pamela, Cynthia, I'm particularly grateful that finally you've been able to set aside your differences and join us in this Thanksgiving... tortellini.

Pamela

Well, as angry as I was that you'd admitted Regan into Marbury instead of our Wesley, it's all worked out for the best. Wesley is thriving at the Barkley School.

Campbell

I am delighted to hear it. Oh, I have a dusty bottle of Chateau LeFite waiting in the cellar for an occasion like this.

Preston

Well, this is nice.

Elliot

Yes, it is.

Cynthia

Hello.

Lilith

Hello, is Dr. Campbell in?

Cynthia

Yes, he's just gone to the cellar to get a bottle of wine.

Frasier

Yes, we don't mean to intrude, but we heard he was having trouble with his turkey and we thought we should drop this by.

Cynthia

Oh, how very generous of you. Please come in. Look everyone, these friends of Collin's have brought us a turkey.

Frasier

Well, I think "friends" is probably stretching it just a tad.

Lilith

You see, our son was a candidate for Marbury, and in our zeal to see him accepted we may have come on a bit strongly.

Frasier

Yes, well, I'm sure you'll understand as parents yourselves, it's only natural to wish only the very best for your son.

Cynthia

Oh, absolutely.

Pamela

There are other good schools. Barkley is excellent.

Frasier

Well, yes, thank you very much for trying to cheer us up, but I mean, if you're looking for filet mignon, you can hardly swallow ground chuck.

Cynthia

Now, now, Barkley is a very charming little school.

Pamela

"Little school"?

Cynthia

Now, don't be so sensitive.

Pamela

Damn your condescension.

Cynthia

Damn your jealousy.

Elliot

Don't you talk to my wife that way!

Preston

Oh, shut up, Elliot!

Campbell

Quiet!

Frasier

We brought a turkey.

Campbell

I don't know how this started, I can only be sure it started with the two of you.

Lilith

Actually...

Campbell

I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you again. [They look heartbroken.] Unfortunately, there is only one way I can think of to ensure that: your son Frederick is hereby admitted to the Marbury School.

Frasier

[They are both ecstatic.] Oh!

Campbell

[holds up a hand] However! - he will immediately be expelled if either of you violates any of the following conditions: you will not bring him to school, you will not collect him; you will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events, or school functions, up to and including "Frederick Crane Day," should we ever have one. [He leads them to the door.] And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate envoy with a video camera. And now it is with great pleasure that I bid you goodbye - forever!

Frasier

Allow me.

Both

We're in!