Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven

Martin

Look, we had an agreement. We went to see a movie I wanted to see, so I'm supposed to pay for the tickets.

Frasier

Very well, Dad. The next time we go to see a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, not only may you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there!

Martin

Well, I'm only mad because we had an agreement. Now, a man's supposed to honour his agreement, didn't you learn anything from that movie?

Frasier

Yes, only that bullets are useless against the man who can kick really high!

Martin

Now, look, I'm serious about this. Once in a while I'd like to pay.

Frasier

Okay.

Martin

Okay, so the next time we go anywhere, it's on me. Have I made my point?

Frasier

Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety Mr. Van Damme displayed when he jet-packed into the Vatican to subdue that nasty Pope imposter!

Martin

Like you saw that coming!

Niles

Well, Maris has finally deigned to call me back after I'd left no fewer than twenty messages!

Frasier

Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times you give her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength!

Niles

Don't pour that sherry on your shirt, it will stain.

Frasier

[mystified] What?!

Niles

I'm sorry, I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice! [pause] I had to call Maris! You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends.

Frasier

Oh, yes. The one I wasn't invited to but my Waterford punch bowl was!

Niles

Yes, well... Maris has chosen the exact same night to throw a party of her own.

Frasier

Well, couldn't you ask her to postpone?

Niles

I tried. She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.

Frasier

Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

Niles

Well, you can see my problem. We're going to be competing now for which friends go to which party.

Frasier

You know Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile I'm afraid you're going down a path...

Niles

[interrupting] You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket.

Frasier

Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?

Niles

That too!

Daphne

Hello, boys.

Both

Hello, Daphne.

Daphne

[to Niles] Dr. Crane — will you be joining us for dinner?

Niles

What a nice invitation. I'd love to.

Daphne

Well then, you're in for a treat. I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous "Sheep's Head Stew." [notes the concerned faces in front of her] Oh, don't worry. The name's a bit misleading. It's actually more of a soup!

Martin

You actually use a real sheep's head?

Daphne

Well, you have to. [holds up carrier bag] It's right in here.

Frasier

[leaping up suddenly] Oh my God — I just remembered. We have reservations at Le Cigare Volante tonight!

Niles

Oh my God, you're right.

Martin

[also leaping up out of his chair] Oh Jeez, I nearly forgot.

Daphne

You're going too, Mr. Crane?

Martin

Well, I promised the boys. [getting into his jacket] I don't suppose there's any way you guys would let me out of this, is there? [there is general protestations all round which Martin quite happily gives in to] Well, I tried!

Daphne

Well, have fun. I'm off to stick me head in the oven.

Daphne

Hello, Marshall? I got rid of them. You bring some wine and I'll throw the steaks on.

Frasier

Oh dear Lord, it's rather busy. Let's keep our fingers crossed. [looks over to the other side of the restaurant] Francois!

Francois

Ah, Dr. Crane. Bonsoir. [kisses Frasier on both cheeks]

Frasier

Bonsoir.

Francois

Dr. Crane. Bonsoir. [kisses Niles on both cheeks]

Niles

Bonsoir.

Frasier

[introducing] And this is our father, Martin Crane.

Francois

[going to kiss Martin] Ah, Monsieur Crane.

Martin

[grabbing Francois's hand and shaking it rapidly] How you doing?

Francois

Enchante!

Frasier

Francois, I'm afraid we are at your mercy tonight. You see, we have no reservations.

Francois

Oh la la, Dr. Crane. I will see what I can do.

Frasier

Thank you, thank you. Anything would be just fine, thank you. Come to think of it we haven't been here since Chef Wakim had his pinky grafted back on.

Francois

Oh. Then this is your first time seeing our new artwork. He's my own discovery. His name is Cordoba!

Frasier

Exquisite!

Niles

Stunning!

Frasier

My God, I don't think I've ever seen such fearless use of colour. You know, as usual your taste is as fine as your cuisine. [pointing at the reservations book] Any luck?

Francois

For you, yes. For Dr. Dubain who brings his own wine, no! [scrubs out a name] Follow me, please.

Frasier

Merci bien!

Francois

[sitting the group] Your table is ready.

Martin

You guys go ahead. I've got to make a little visit to Le Can!

Francois

[handing out the menus] Le menu! I will be back with the wine list.

Frasier

Wine list? My God, he ought to bring us blindfolds. I mean, what is he thinking with this artwork? It's appalling!

Niles

[jokingly] Who is it who said that art in restaurants is on the same level with food in museums?

Frasier

The little white lies one will tell for a good table. Of course I would compliment a black velvet Elvis right now if Chef Wakim's lobster comfit were at stake!

Niles

[noticing the table across the restaurant] Frasier, that's Winchett Cook. She's one of the guests Maris and I are competing over for our parties. I'm going to go woo her.

Frasier

Oh really, Niles. Why don't you just reschedule your party?

Niles

Because I don't want to give Maris the satisfaction. She's pushed me around long enough.

Frasier

All right.

Niles

Metaphorically, of course. In reality she can hardly push at all. Like that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving doors at Bergdorf's!

Martin

I hope there's something on there you like 'cos dinner's on me tonight.

Frasier

What do you mean, Dad?

Martin

We had an agreement. Next time we went out it was my treat.

Frasier

Yes Dad, but when I said that what I meant was...

Martin

Hup! We're not discussing it.

Frasier

Yes, but Dad the trouble is here...

Martin

Hup! You promised.

Frasier

I just don't...

Martin

Hup!

Frasier

[exasperated] All right, all right, your treat.

Martin

[satisfied] Thank you. Now don't worry about it — just order whatever you want... [Martin examines the menu and his face turns to a look of abject horror. Meanwhile Francois has returned with the wine list] Is this per person?

Francois

[handing Frasier the wine list] The wine list.

Frasier

[realising the situation] Thank you. Thank you, Francois but I don't believe we'll be having any wine tonight [hands back the wine list]

Francois

And I'm going out for a Big Mac after work!

Frasier

No, I'm really being quite serious. You see, my brother and I are watching our caloric intake tonight — we'll be eating light.

Francois

As you wish, Doctor.

Martin

[angrily] I know what you're doing, you know. I'm not stupid.

Frasier

What are you talking about?

Martin

You're eating light? All the way over here you had the same look on your face that Eddie gets when he hears a can opener!

Frasier

Look, Dad — it's just that I'm not that comfortable ordering an expensive meal when you're paying.

Martin

Well, what's the big deal? You take me to places like this all the time.

Frasier

I can afford it! [notices the hurt look on Martin's face] I'm sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I know how you feel.

Martin

No, you don't. You're always paying for me and I'm never allowed to pay for you. Well, it feels pretty lousy. Well, go ahead, Mr. Bigshot — you pay!

Frasier

Dad!

Niles

Well, the good news is Winchett has agreed to come to my party. The bad news is I've left my wallet at home so, Frasier, I'm afraid this is on you.

Frasier

Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.

Martin

No, you ruined it. I'm not paying.

Frasier

Well, I'm not paying.

Niles

Well, I can't pay!

Francois

So that would be three Happy Meals to go?

Daphne

No, he never suspected a thing. Yes, I had a great time too. Oh go on, Marshall — say it again. [after a brief pause she chuckles to herself] Now say it how you said it last night like Donald Duck. [another brief pause but Daphne is now stony faced] Well, I guess it was the wine that made it funny. [the key is heard in the front door and Daphne rushes up] Yes, I'll see you tonight. Bye.

Both

Hello.

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Will you be savouring us with any English delicacies tonight?

Daphne

Well as a matter of fact, yes. The butcher had in some lovely carved stomachs so I'm going to try my hand at haggis.

Frasier

Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep that woman's cooking down!

Niles

Hello? Ah, Winchett — so looking forward to seeing you at the party. [a pause] Oh, how dreadful. Oh, you poor thing. No, no, of course I understand. The important thing is that you get better. You are a dear for calling... [hangs up phone] ...you lying, two-faced cow!

Frasier

So she's not really sick?

Niles

Oh, hardly. Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests. Suddenly there are accidents, deaths in the family. A wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution!

Martin

Oh great, you're back. Hey, listen. About last night at the restaurant — I'm really sorry.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, no Dad. It was my fault. I should have been more gracious.

Martin

No, no, it was my fault. I was the one who overreacted. I just really wanted to do something nice for you. You know, the older you get the harder it is to do stuff for your kids.

Frasier

I understand. I tell you what. Next three dinners are on you.

Martin

[excited] No, no, no. I found something better than that. I finally found something I know you're gonna like. [heading back through to the bedroom] Now just a minute. This is going to be so great.

Frasier

My God — I haven't seen him this excited since he got that four-in-one remote control!

Martin

It's a Cordoba.

Niles

Ole!

Martin

Yeah, you guys were raving about these paintings last night so I went down to the restaurant this morning to find out where they got theirs and lucky me, the ones they had were for sale.

Frasier

[trying to find the words] Dad, this is awfully, awfully...

Martin

Expensive! Yeah, yeah but it's worth it. You don't know how good this makes me feel. After I'm gone this will still be here.

Martin

Hey Daph, come here. Take a look at this.

Daphne

Well, I'm very impressed, Mr. Crane. When did you have the time to do that?

Martin

Oh, sure. Like I could paint something like this. You know, I was thinking, maybe, we could put it over the fireplace.

Frasier

Yes, yes, the fireplace. That's the first place I thought of too!

Greg

[v.o.] ...and lately I've had the chronic fluctuating mood disturbances which would indicate psychothymic disorder. I mean, the hypomanic symptoms are there and yet I'm experiencing moments of aphasia and aproxia and I just want to pull my teeth out, Dr. Crane. What do you think?

Frasier

Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses come to mind. Either you are seriously mentally ill and you should be institutionalized immediately, or you are a first-year psychology student!

Greg

Oh yeah, I'm at UW.

Frasier

Yes, well, it's not uncommon for students to feel that they're manifesting symptoms that they are studying. It'll pass.

Greg

What do I do till it passes?

Frasier

Well, just relax. Though it might be a good idea to postpone reading about male sexual disorder until after spring break. [Roz signals to wind up the show] That's all the time we have for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.

Roz

Good show.

Frasier

Thanks, Roz. Say, Roz, if you're not busy after work would you like, maybe, to get a drink or something? Maybe see a movie? You pick, I'll pay?

Roz

[smiling] You can stay out as late as you want but eventually you're going to have to go home and that painting will still be there! [Frasier looks upset at being rumbled] You have to tell him.

Frasier

I can't, Roz. You didn't see the look on his face when he gave it to me.

Roz

Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo collection?

Frasier

Oh yes, many times.

Roz

The hell I have! Shut up and listen! One Christmas my Grandma sent me a ceramic hippo...

Frasier

[interrupting] Roz, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellant as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull!

Roz

Was the bull wearing a pork-pie hat and fishing off a dock?

Frasier

Continue.

Roz

I made the mistake of telling her how much I loved it. Well, that just opened the floodgates. I got ice-skating hippos and hula-hooping hippos. Thank God for that earthquake.

Frasier

Oh, you mean they broke?

Roz

Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the garbage chute. But I blamed it on the earthquake, and the point is, you need to talk to your father now and be honest with him or you're gonna be stuck with that thing until the next natural disaster.

Frasier

You're right, Roz. Guess I'll just have to tell him this afternoon. [goes to leave the studio but turns back with a thoughtful expression] Oh, Roz - that crystal vase I gave you three years ago for Christmas... er... you said that was broken in the earthquake?

Roz

Oh, no, no, that really was. I was very disappointed. As disappointed as you were when Eddie chewed up that sweater I gave you for Christmas!

Frasier

[exchanging a knowing look] This year — liquor?

Roz

Deal!

Frasier

Hi, Dad.

Martin

Hey, Fraz.

Frasier

You know, Dad, I was just down in the storage room putting away some boxes and guess what I came across — that smoking jacket I gave you for Christmas last year?

Martin

The shiny one?

Frasier

Not shiny, Dad. Silk! I really messed up on that one, didn't I? Buying things for other people — it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?

Martin

Yeah. [points to a plate beside him] Hey, you want some pastrami? There's more in the fridge.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, Dad. I don't really care for pastrami. Isn't that funny? You can love something so much and I would find it distasteful? [sneaks a glance at the painting] People have different tastes, you know?

Martin

Yeah, well that's one way of looking at it. Some people like pastrami, like me. Other people don't. They're nuts!

Niles

Afternoon.

Frasier

Afternoon, Niles.

Martin

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Dad. Frasier, I'm here to pick up the punch bowl for my party. Although at this point a soup bowl might suffice. [he walks past the painting and shudders as he does so] Thanks to Maris I'm down to three confirmed guests.

Frasier

Three? Yesterday it was twelve, wasn't it?

Niles

She's circulating a vicious rumour that I'm going to have a karaoke machine!

Frasier

You know, this vindictive behaviour of Maris's is completely out of line. You know, if you don't want to continue with it you really should call her on the phone. Confront her.

Niles

You're absolutely right. It's time I took the bull by the horns. [as he dials he realises what he's said and has another withering glance over at the painting] Sorry! [he gets through to Maris] Maris. Niles. You may feel you've triumphed, but all you've done is shown yourself to be petty and uncivil. Frankly, the only people lower than you are the fickle paramecia that deserted my party to attend yours. [Frasier smiles encouraging him onwards] Uh-huh. Oh, I see. Very well. Yes. I'll see you at eight — should I bring anything?

Frasier

Thank God for the starch in that shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright!

Martin

Hey, Niles. Here. [hands him the wine rack]

Niles

Well, what's that?

Martin

It's a wine rack.

Niles

[bewildered] Really?

Martin

Yeah. I felt kind of bad about giving Frasier something and nothing for you, so I saw it at PriceBusters.

Niles

Well, thank you for the thought, Dad but it doesn't really fit in with the décor of my apartment.

Martin

[unperturbed] Oh. Oh, well OK. No harm done. I'll take it back. Anybody want a beer?

Niles

No, thanks.

Frasier

No thanks, Dad.

Niles

Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blowdryer?

Frasier

Of course. Why?

Niles

Sven just finished Maris's ice sculpture and she's convinced she looks a bit "hippy."

Frasier

Dad? Are you sure Niles didn't just hurt your feelings there?

Martin

No. No. I'm glad he told me. I don't want to give him something he doesn't like.

Frasier

That's very wise. You know, it's important that fathers and sons can be honest with each other. It shows respect. You know I've been thinking, Dad, about the painting. You know, art is such a personal thing? What one person may like, another may not? It doesn't mean one of them is right and the other is wrong.

Martin

You're telling me you don't like the painting?

Frasier

Well, it's not that I don't like it. It's just that I don't love it. It's not me.

Martin

Not a problem — you don't like it, I'll take it back.

Frasier

Oh thank you, thank you, Dad. That's such a relief. You know, I was up half the night worrying about it and I just... [notices Martin is quietly crying] Dad, are you all right? I didn't upset you, did I? My God, Dad, are you crying?

Martin

[clearly crying with his back turned to Frasier] No!

Frasier

Yes, you are. Yes, you are — I just saw you wipe your eye.

Martin

[in tears] No, I didn't. Quit looking at me.

Frasier

Dad! [breaks into tears as well] I made my father cry!

Martin

Now don't you start.

Frasier

[sobbing] I'm only crying because you're crying.

Martin

[sobbing] I'm not crying. I don't know what this is. I didn't even cry when I got shot!

Frasier

[sobbing] I didn't cry when you got shot either.

Martin

I'm getting rid of that damn painting right now. I just wish I knew why you told me you loved it so much?

Frasier

I wasn't lying.

Martin

You can't lie to me!

Frasier

Dad. Dad, please. Please stop crying. I want to keep it now.

Martin

No, it's no good.

Frasier

No, no, it is good. It's very good. I love it.

Niles

Well, I found the... [notices Martin crying] ...the... er... Dad, are you crying? [Martin brushes him off towards Frasier] Frasier, what happ... [sees Frasier sitting down sobbing uncontrollably] Oh my God, you're crying too. [also becoming emotional] Why is everybody crying? You know how I get when other people cry. Tell me what happened.

Frasier

[weeping] I made our father cry.

Martin

[crying] I'm not crying.

Frasier

Well, I am. I'm the most ungrateful son there is!

Martin

I can never do anything for my sons!

Niles

[finally breaking down into a truly pathetic wail] No one wants to come to my party!

Frasier

Dad.

Martin

Frasier.

Frasier

Don't you think we oughta talk about what happened this afternoon?

Martin

Nothing happened this afternoon.

Frasier

Look, Dad. I know you're disappointed about the painting.

Martin

That's not a problem.

Frasier

Well, you said yourself that it wasn't as easy for you to give me things as it was when I was a kid.

Martin

Yeah, well I wasn't very good at it then either. Your Mother always picked all your stuff out.

Frasier

Still, you did put a roof over my head. Sent me to school...

Martin

All right. You want to talk about this? We'll talk about it. [takes a seat] Do people ever come up to you after they've met me and say, "How can that guy be your father? He's nothing like you."

Frasier

Well...

Martin

'Cause they've been saying that to me about you for the last four years! I just thought that... I don't know... I'd finally given you something. Something you liked. Something we both liked. That we had something in common or something. That's no big deal. [gets up] I'm going to bed.

Frasier

Dad, Dad, just hang on a second, will you? Do you remember a time when I was six or seven years old? You were getting ready for work, you were getting dressed. I was playing with your badge and you sat me down and you said that it was not a toy. That it was a symbol of something very important. Of integrity and honesty and helping people. [Martin smiles to himself as he reminisces] Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge I would think of that.

Martin

I just said that so you'd stop playing with the damn thing. You were getting it all sticky.

Frasier

Be that as it may, I've tried to live up to your example and help other people. I've tried as a psychiatrist to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer. And when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge and then I know what I have to do. You gave me that!

Martin

Yeah?

Frasier

Yeah, Dad. Thanks.

Martin

You know? I think I may have something else to give you. Something that I know you'll really like. I'll be back in a minute.

Martin

I've been holding onto this for quite a while now — waiting for the right time. [hands over a box to Frasier]

Frasier

[shocked] My goodness, Dad. I'm speechless. Your ba... [opens box] ...bow tie! [Frasier is clearly none too impressed having expected something else]

Martin

They gave it to your Grandfather when he retired from the force. When I graduated from the Academy he gave it to me, and now I'm giving it to you, and someday you'll give it to Frederick.

Frasier

[lost for words] I don't know what to say.

Martin

You're not going to start crying, are you?

Frasier

No, no, no! It's just a surprise, that's all.

Martin

[realising] Hey, wait a minute. You didn't think I was going to give you my badge, did you?

Frasier

Well... I... er...

Martin

My badge? That's a laugh. You'd have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands!

Frasier

It's a date!