Dad Loves Sherry The Boys Just Whine
Aired 7th January 1997 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by James Burrows
Niles
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Maureen.
Maureen
Hi, Niles.
Niles
A non-fat café, please.
Roz
I'll pay for his too.
Niles
Well, thank you. My day started off with good news and it's already getting better. To what do I owe this largesse?
Roz
Well, I'm having a pretty great day too. You see, a few months ago I took my first tennis lesson...
Niles
And you've finally mastered the backhand?
Roz
No, I haven't played since. But the guy who was teaching me...
Niles
Has won your girlish heart?
Roz
No, he was a loser. But that day he hit me this little dink- shot and I ran for it, stubbed my toe, got this big black toenail. It lasted for like three months and today it finally fell off. [Niles looks thoroughly mystified] I can wear sandals again!
Maureen
Thanks, Frasier.
Frasier
Goodbye Maureen, and good luck.
Maureen
Thanks.
Niles
Frasier. May I borrow your spoon?
Frasier
Certainly.
Niles
[banging the spoon off his coffee cup] I have an announcement.
Frasier
Well frankly, so do I. Dad's girlfriend just told me some very big news.
Niles
Well, unless she's expecting our baby brother, my news takes precedence. [A look of panic spreads on Niles's face] She's not, is she?
Frasier
No, no.
Niles
Guess who just won this year's "Mariett Fassbinder Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Literature of Psychiatry"?
Frasier
Well, judging by the canary feathers protruding from your mouth, I'd say you. What article did you win for?
Niles
A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer. I called it "Me Me Me Me Me."
Frasier
[chuckling] Very clever, I like that.
Niles
Thrilled as I am, I must admit I'm a tad nervous about the awards banquet.
Frasier
Why?
Niles
Dad! I want him there of course, but I'm just dreading a rerun of Aunt Vi's wedding.
Frasier
Yes - the hour he spent regaling the table with Little Niles stories.
Niles
Exactly. Imagine an entire roomful of trained psychiatrists hearing the story of Sheldon, my imaginary protégé.
Frasier
Ah yes, Sheldon. That troubled little fellow who kept wetting your bed! Well, you know — if you're thinking of excluding Dad from the event your timing couldn't be worse. It's his birthday this weekend.
Niles
Oh, right.
Frasier
On top of that Maureen just told me that she's decided to break it off with him.
Niles
No! Oh dear, is it the age difference?
Frasier
No, no. She was quite emphatic on that point. She just thinks they have nothing in common.
Niles
Oh, poor Dad. I know how much he enjoyed going out with her.
Frasier
Yes. Just the other day he was saying that between her police badge and his handicapped sticker they could park anywhere.
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Daphne. Thank God you're home first. Listen, I have to warn you.
Daphne
About what?
Frasier
Dad and Maureen are on a date. It's not going well. She's telling him that she wants to break it off.
Daphne
Oh. This vision you're getting — is it a tingly feeling and a picture in your head, or more like a husky voice murmuring in your ear?
Frasier
[annoyed] It's not a vision. Maureen told me about this, this afternoon. I'm just worried about Dad. We need to do everything we can to help him through this.
Daphne
I wouldn't worry about your father. People are more resilient than you think. You know, when Joe dumped me a few weeks ago I thought I'd lost the love of me life. I figured I'd spend the rest of my years dwelling on what might have been. The home we'd have made; the children running through it; growing old together... did I mention Joe's getting married?
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry.
Daphne
No, I'm all right.
Frasier
[goes to console her] Oh, Daphne, Daphne... [checks the bottle's label] That'll be fine. [she exits]
Maureen
Oh, I should have known that you'd hate Indian food.
Martin
No, it was great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Maureen
Yeah, it does. You should try it again sometime.
Martin
[retching slightly] I think I just did. So are you going to come in for some coffee?
Maureen
Nah. You're not feeling too well. I think I'll just call it a night.
Martin
But I thought you said in the car there was something you wanted to talk about.
Maureen
It can wait.
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Martin
Hi.
Frasier
How was your date?
Martin
[with a pained expression on his face] Awful! I never felt this bad in my life. I feel like my guts have been ripped out.
Frasier
Dad, let me assure you this has nothing to do with your age.
Martin
Oh, the hell it doesn't. This never would have happened twenty years ago.
Frasier
Well, you know Dad, I may be talking out of turn here. But Maureen told me about this.
Martin
[from behind the door] What?
Frasier
Yes. She came to me for advice. That's how determined she was not to hurt you. You see, she wanted to make it perfectly clear that her breaking up with you had nothing to do with your age but rather your compatibility. You see, it's not your fault that you don't like the same food, music or movies...
Frasier
...and she didn't bring this up, did she?
Martin
No.
Frasier
Dad, I'm sorry.
Martin
She doesn't want to see me again?
Frasier
Oh, I feel so terrible. Listen, Dad, I mean, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. But believe me, the pain will pass. It may take some time.
Martin
This is great!
Frasier
Or not!
Martin
Wait till I tell Sherry.
Frasier
Sherry?
Martin
[holding up the carton of Maalox] This stuff works pretty good. Have we got any pretzels?
Frasier
Dad - just who is Sherry?
Martin
She's this great lady I met down at McGinty's. You know — I've been trying for weeks to get up the nerve to end it with Maureen.
Frasier
Good Lord. I've been worried all afternoon about Maureen breaking your heart and all along you've been two-timing-
Frasier
MAUREEN!
Martin
Well hi, Maureen. Come in. Did you forget something?
Maureen
Yes I did. Um... [looks at Frasier]
Frasier
Don't mind me, I was just going out... [he realises he is in his dressing gown] ...to the powder room.
Maureen
There's something that I've been meaning to say to you and I keep putting it off and that's not fair to you.
Martin
[acting concerned] What is it?
Maureen
I don't think it's working out.
Martin
[sitting down in fake shock] You don't? Wow. I didn't see that coming.
Maureen
Marty, it's not the age difference. It's just all we ever talk about is the police force - and I enjoy that - but I just think...
Martin
No, Maureen, come on. You don't need to explain. You know, I guess I always knew that I could never hold onto a prize like you forever. [slams the bathroom door shut in Frasier's face with his cane] But at least I did it for a while.
Maureen
So, are you OK?
Martin
[acting hurt] I will be. It just takes a little time, you know? But you take care of yourself.
Maureen
Yeah, you too.
Frasier
You old fraud!
Martin
What?
Frasier
You made her believe that she'd broken your heart.
Martin
Well, of course I did. When a woman breaks up with you, you have to act sad. It's only polite.
Frasier
Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion.
Martin
Oh, spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't even made a dent in it. I may not have made it to Harvard but I have been to the College of Love.
Frasier
Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hey, Daphne.
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Frasier. Where's the birthday boy?
Daphne
Oh, he's getting all dolled up for his lady friend. You should see how excited he is.
Frasier
Not half as excited as he's going to be when he sees these new videotapes: twelve cassettes of the history of World War II!
Niles
For those who thought the original was fun but too short!
Frasier
Well, this year I thought what the hell? Get him something he really wants rather than what I think he needs.
Niles
A very commendable sentiment.
Daphne
What did you get him?
Niles
An Armani tux. [pause] Well, my banquet's coming up.
Martin
[coming through in a suit] Hey, Niles.
Daphne
Ooh. Don't you look dapper?
Martin
Well, thanks. Yeah, I heard the door — I thought maybe it was Sherry.
Niles
Oh, I thought we were joining her and your chums down at the restaurant.
Martin
Yeah, I changed my mind. You know, I just thought that... I'm just so anxious for you to meet her, I know you're gonna love her. No, no, forget I said that. I mean, you will but I just don't want to jinx it. [the doorbell rings] Oh, there it is. Frasier, answer the door, would you? No, no, wait a minute. I'll get it.
Sherry
Happy Birthday!
Martin
Come in and meet the family.
Sherry
[hugging Frasier] Hi! Sherry Dempsey. Now Marty didn't tell me the two of you were so handsome! [she bearhugs Niles who forces a smile]
Daphne
Hello. Daphne Moon.
Sherry
Ooh — the physical therapist. Don't worry about me, honey. I'm not the jealous type. Anybody that keeps my Marty limber is aces in my book.
Martin
[does a few dance shuffles, then:] Hey, sit down, Sherry. Come on. You know Fras, Sherry is a big fan of your show.
Sherry
Oh yes, a big fan. Well, as a matter of fact when my friend Donna's marriage was on the rocks, you were the one that she called for advice.
Frasier
Really? And did my advice prove helpful?
Sherry
That's not important. You cared. That's what matters.
Daphne
Can we offer you a drink?
Sherry
Well, actually, since it's a special occasion I brought some bubbly. Let's crack it open! [throws the bottle at Niles who just manages to catch it]
Niles
Yes, why not? [forcing a smile] Oh look Frasier — Cold Duck.
Sherry
You ever had it?
Frasier
Just once!
Daphne
I'll do the honours.
Sherry
Ooh, I love this apartment. Wow, that's some view you've got.
Frasier
Thank you.
Sherry
Which room's mine?
Sherry
Gotcha!
Martin
She's always doing stuff like that.
Sherry
Oh, I love making people laugh. To me humour is like medicine.
Niles
[sotto voce to Frasier] Guess we're in the placebo group.
Frasier
So... Dad tells me you two kids met at McGinty's.
Sherry
That's right. I tend bar there. Saw your Dad there one night looking kind of lonesome and I said to myself...
Daphne
[coming through with the drinks] Bottoms up!
Sherry
Well, something like that.
Daphne
[dishing the drinks out] Here we go. Well, Happy Birthday.
Sherry
Through the lips and over the gums...
Frasier
Look out, tastebuds, here it comes.
Sherry
I never heard that version.
Sherry
I better be careful. Two glasses of that and I'd be dancing on the tables.
Martin
Yeah. You know, Sherry used to be on the stage.
Frasier
On Broadway?
Sherry
Las Vegas. Ever been there?
Frasier
Just once!
Sherry
What a town, huh? Great food, terrific theatre, just too darn easy to get married. [looks at Niles] You're separated, right?
Niles
Yes.
Sherry
I've been there. Listen, you want my advice?
Niles
Well...
Sherry
Don't mope! Get right back in the saddle. My Mum always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone."
Sherry
Well, Momma had lots of sayings like that.
Niles
[slipping further down the sofa] I didn't know Mae West had children.
Martin
Well, hey, we better be going, so if you want to freshen up you better do it now. It's right down there.
Daphne
I'll show you the way.
Sherry
[to Martin] I know what you're doing here. You just want the reviews. [looking at Frasier and Niles] Talk me up.
Martin
That's not it at all. You think you're so smart. [turning to Frasier and Niles] Well, what do you think?
Frasier
[lost for words] Er... Wow.
Martin
Niles?
Niles
Er... I see that Wow and raise you a Zowie.
Martin
I'm so glad you like her. You really do, right?
Frasier
Yes, Dad.
Niles
Absolutely.
Martin
That's it, great! Well, you know we're going to have to spend more time here. You know, she's got that fourth floor walk-up and its murder on my hip. Not that I wouldn't climb the Space Needle to hear her play that banjo of hers.
Sherry
Come on, boys. She's back.
Daphne
You know, I keep meaning to ask: what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?
Frasier
Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry
It's called Milady's Boudoir. [heading out the door followed by Martin and Daphne] You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks I could buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles
[slowly walking out the door with Frasier] I've got sixty!
Niles
Again, I'm sorry for not making it over for dinner last night, but you know I had this tickle in my throat...
Frasier
Spare me your lame excuses, Niles. We both know why you weren't there.
Niles
How was Sherry?
Frasier
Colourful as ever. Last night she treated us to a selection from her unpublished volume of Limericks for Lovers. The last several were about a well-travelled man fortuitously named Horatio!
Niles
Oh, dear God. Don't turn around.
Frasier
Who is it?
Niles
It's Dad, and he's brought Sophie Tucker!
Frasier
Oh God. But this is our place.
Niles
Don't look.
Sherry
Hey! How ya doing? Look who's here. Wow, what a cute place this is. I walk by here all the time and never stopped in.
Martin
Yeah, well the boys love it here.
Sherry
Well, we should start coming here. Now, make room at that table. We'll be right back. We're gonna get a cuppa.
Frasier
[forlorn] Quick Niles, pull up the ladder. She found our clubhouse!
Niles
This cannot go on.
Frasier
You're right. Dad has to be politely told that even though he may enjoy her company he has no right to... what's the polite word for inflict?
Niles
Well, I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find one.
Frasier
Me? I have to do this alone? I thought the two of us would sit him down and talk to him...
Niles
No, no, no.
Frasier
...both of us.
Niles
No, no. I'm afraid you're the one who's going to be making that little speech.
Frasier
But Niles, both of us have a problem.
Niles
Ah, ah, ah, ah. She's not invading my apartment. I can afford to be patient.
Frasier
You are a little weasel, aren't you?
Niles
A little weasel whose Daddy loves him. [gets up]
Sherry
[coming to the table] Niles, before I forget. About your banquet - are we talking fancy-schmancy?
Niles
Well, it's not exactly the way it's worded on the invitation, but yes... [the cold dawn of realisation hits] Why? [sits back down]
Martin
Well, Daphne's got a cold so Sherry's going to use her ticket.
Frasier
What fun! That's coming up soon, isn't it? Maybe you should start working on that little speech.
Sherry
So, fancy dress, huh? Good. I got a backwards leopard skin number that's gonna knock your eyes out.
Martin
Gotcha!
Sherry
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm smushing you.
Frasier
No, that's all right. We were just leaving.
Sherry
Oh, you gotta go? Well Niles, don't worry about your banquet. I'll wear a nice dress and put on my best dancing shoes.
Niles
Oh, well, there won't be dancing.
Sherry
You just leave that to Sherry!
Frasier
Well, your little banquet should prove quite amusing. I hope Dr. Geudfreund doesn't aggravate his hernia when he goes underneath the limbo pole!
Niles
I have to talk to Dad. I can't let her ruin the most important evening of my life. What do I say to him? Frasier, you've got to help me.
Frasier
Well... prepared though you were to abandon me and let me handle all the dirty work alone, I will swallow my resentment, confront him with you tonight and take my share of the heat.
Niles
Thank you.
Frasier
[smiling] Gotcha!
Martin
So Niles, what are you in the mood for? Normandy or The Battle of the Bulge?
Niles
Whatever.
Martin
You've been fidgeting around all night. Something on your mind?
Niles
Ah, yes actually. It's about my awards banquet.
Martin
Yeah?
Niles
Dad, this is very difficult to say. I would really rather you didn't... [chickens out] wear those pants.
Martin
Well, I'm not. I'm wearing that Avanti tux you gave me. What's your problem?
Niles
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I guess, I don't know, I'm just nervous about tomorrow night. God knows why.
Frasier
[coming in] Evening, Dad.
Martin
Evening.
Frasier
[notices Niles on the balcony and Martin in a foul mood] Something wrong?
Martin
You know, that brother of yours can be downright insulting. He's so afraid that someone's going to embarrass him at his fancy dinner.
Frasier
Er... you know, Niles told me about what he was going to say to you tonight. And well, I must say that, in his defense, it is an important evening for him and well, let's face it, Sherry can be a bit much.
Martin
She can, huh?
Frasier
Well, I don't mean it as a criticism, mind you. Some people like that. But now that Niles has broached the subject I must say that I too find Sherry a bit brassy and flamboyant... [notices Martin's puzzled look] He didn't say a word to you, did he?
Martin
I don't believe this. You got a problem with Sherry?
Niles
[coming back in] That delightful woman?
Frasier
Oh, knock it off! I see you're still waiting on that spine donor! Dad, there is no reason to belabour this point...
Martin
No, no. You got something to say, let's hear it. You don't like her?
Frasier
Please understand, Dad, as happy as we are that you've found someone...
Martin
But you don't like her?
Niles
No, no. We're not saying that. She's just not the sort of person that we would normally choose to spend time with.
Martin
In other words, you don't like her? Come on, we're all grown-ups here. Tell me the truth.
Frasier
[pausing] All right, Dad, we don't like her.
Martin
Fine! That's the way you feel about it? Don't worry, I won't bring her back here any more. I guess it's too much to expect my own family to make a person I care about feel welcome!
Frasier
WAIT A MINUTE! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome?
Niles
Ooh Frasier, you're right! He almost got away with that!
Frasier
When did Lilith ever set foot in your house that you didn't make her feel as wanted as a fungus?
Niles
Yes, not to mention my Maris!
Martin
You're comparing a warm lady like Sherry to Frosty the Snow- Wife?
Frasier
There! That is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, why don't we just face facts? I mean, since when has any of us ever - from Sherry to Lilith to Maris to Diane - has ever been able to pick one woman that the other two could stand the sight of?
Martin
I picked your mother!
Frasier
[awkwardly] I'm sorry, Niles. I've been hogging the floor.
Niles
Er...
Martin
Ah, forget it. You're right. Why should I expect you to make the effort when I'm no better? Hell, you probably got it from me. You sure didn't get it from your mother 'cos she was great that way. Anytime she ever met anybody she could always find something to like about them. One of the things I loved her for. It's one of the things I love Sherry for. She's a lot like your mother that way. She'll always find something — even with you two.
Frasier
Well, I suppose we could all afford to be a bit more open- minded when it comes to each other's mates.
Martin
Well, at the very least, if we can't say anything nice we shouldn't say anything at all.
Niles
I'll be having some quiet Thanksgivings, but fine with me.
Frasier
Hi, Sherry
Niles
Hi.
Frasier
Don't you look nice? Come on in.
Sherry
Well, thank you, Frasier. Oh Marty, I brought you one more little gift. [hands over a parcel]
Martin
Another one?
Sherry
Well, I wanted to give it to you on your birthday but it took me a while to find the right size.
Martin
Really? I'm usually a pretty easy fit.
Sherry
Who said it's for you to wear?
Martin
Ho-ho, I like it already.
Sherry
Oh, I should stop. I'm embarrassing your boys.
Martin
No, you're not. [looks at them both] Is she?
Niles
[clearly faking] Nooooo!
Frasier
Party on!
Martin
[holding Sherry's hand] Well, I think we should go and unwrap this.
Frasier
Oh, Dad? Lilith mentioned that she was going to be joining Frederick on his next visit. You don't mind if she stays here, do you?
Martin
[clearly faking] Oh, Lilith! No, great, I love Lilith. That's terrific. She's welcome here any time.
Sherry
Honey, you're hurting my hand.
Sherry
[to Niles and Frasier] Oh listen, I should mention I'm kind of a sleepwalker, so if you get up in the night and find me in here naked, just give me a good hard shake. I'll come to in a jiff.
Frasier
Got me, good one!