Frasier's Imaginary Friend

Joanne

Well, I should warn you. If we hit turbulence, I may hold on to you for dear life.

Frasier

I should warn you, I'm hoping for a bumpy ride!

Joanne

Why are you going to Acapulco?

Frasier

Actually, it's rather an amusing story. You see, I came down to the airport on sort of a blind date with a cello player. Of course, she didn't know it was a blind date, actually, it was all in my head. [laughs] But, er, so I bumped into you and you said you were going to Acapulco, I thought I might tag along.

Joanne

So, the only reason you're on this plane is because of me?

Frasier

Call it Kismet.

Joanne

[to one of the cabin crew] Can I switch seats?

Crew

You're lucky, normally this flight is jammed.

Frasier

See, Kismet!

Felicity

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I have to say, I'd be flattered if someone got on a plane to be with me.

Frasier

Really?

Felicity

Yeah, I mean what can be more romantic than that?

Frasier

You know, it's a little awkward trying to talk like this. Is that seat taken?

Felicity

No, come sit here, please.

Frasier

At last. I'm Frasier Crane.

Felicity

Felicity Stafford.

Frasier

It's a pleasure.

Felicity

And this is my husband, David.

Frasier

Oh, darn! I forgot to order my kosher meal. So sorry. It was lovely meeting you both.

Kelly

Oh, thank God the flight's late, I was sure I'd missed it. [sits, to stewardess:] Thank you.

Kelly

[realises] Yes, it's me. Amazing what they can do with make- up and lighting.

Frasier

Yes, it is amazing. [realises what he has said] Not that they didn't have plenty to work with. [digging himself into a hole] Oh, by plenty, I don't mean anything referring to... well... [holds his breast] ...here, you just stay right here, I'll change seats.

Kelly

No, no, wait. Your voice sounds really familiar.

Frasier

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio. [shakes hand]

Kelly

[shakes hand] Kelly Easterbrook, from the magazine. [laughs]

Frasier

[laughs] Well, I'm assuming that you're off to a photo shoot on the beaches of Mexico.

Kelly

No, actually, I only model part-time these days. I'm in a PhD department with the University of Washington.

Frasier

What's your field?

Kelly

Zoology. That's why I'm going to Mexico, to observe the spiny cald iguana.

Frasier

[amazed] A model and a scholar. This is the part where I normally wake up.

Frasier

I know what you're thinking.

Kelly

Hmmm?

Frasier

Last night, walking along the beach when we kicked off our shoes and looked up at the amazing blanket of stars...

Kelly

Actually, I was remembering when that iguana ran across my foot and you jumped into my arms.

Frasier

Yes, that too. You're really quite strong.

Kelly

I am a supermodel! So, Frasier, any chance you'd be interested in seeing more of me?

Frasier

There's more?! [beat] Of course, of course, I was hoping we would.

Kelly

Well, that's great. Actually, there's one thing I should mention. It's a little awkward.

Frasier

What is?

Kelly

Well, I'm in the process of breaking up with someone; he plays for the Seahawks and we're always in the public eye, these things have a way of getting out. I'd appreciate it if just for now you didn't tell anyone about you and me.

Frasier

What happened between us will never leave this room.

Frasier

[as the kiss breaks] And if there's a God in heaven, neither will we!

Roz

Have you seen Frasier?

Bulldog

What, he's not back from the airport yet?

Roz

No. That's a lot of cheese and crackers, you're going to eat all those?

Bulldog

Don't be stupid, I'm having people over tonight.

Frasier

Morning, all.

Roz

There you are, I almost gave up on you.

Roz

So, Mr. Impulsive, I got your message. How was Mexico?

Frasier

Fine, relaxing.

Roz

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frasier

Sorry?

Roz

Yeah, well, considering what a bump your sex life has been lately, I know you were looking for a little of, well, you know, action. You know, south of the border.

Frasier

Roz, just because the last time you went to Mexico you were hit on more than a pi�ata, that doesn't mean that was the purpose of my visit as well.

Roz

Oh, yeah, right, you wanted to hear that Acapulco Philharmonic!

Bulldog

So, doc', did you get any?

Frasier

That is none of your business!

Bulldog

Ah, well, better luck next time.

Frasier

Did it ever occur to you that I'm merely being discreet? That I actually did meet a woman, I just don't care to broadcast it?

Bulldog

Sure, that'll happen!

Frasier

Please! You know, frankly, I don't have time for this nonsense. What I did or did not do on my vacation is none of your concern. Don't you have better things to do than just speculate about my sex life?

Bulldog

Oh, "Frasier Crane's sex life." Hey, there's a word for that... it's an Oxy... Oxy... [thinks]

Roz

[completing] ...moron!

Bulldog

Hey, wow, easy, I'll get it.

Daphne

All right, now, flip over, ten kicks on each side.

Martin

Oh, Jeez, I hate this one. What does it do anyway?

Daphne

Nothing for you, but it does get a nice breeze going.

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Daphne.

Niles

Hello, Eddie. Good boy, dad.

Martin

[gets up] That's it, I'm through.

Niles

So, where's Frasier?

Daphne

Oh, he got in a while ago but jumped right in the shower.

Niles

So we still have no idea why he went to Mexico?

Martin

Well, you heard the same message we did. He wanted to do something spur of the moment, so he jumped on a plane.

Niles

That doesn't concern you? That's not exactly like him, to board a plane without reservations and luggage... slumber mask.

Martin

Oh, he probably just went down there to try to meet some women.

Niles

I've seen this with my patients. They get so distressed over a series of failures, especially romantic ones, that they act out in bizarre ways.

Frasier

Ah, is there anything more refreshing after a long flight than a hot soak in eucalyptus sauce and a snifter of warmed "Poir William"!

Niles

Nothing yet, but keep your ears open.

Daphne

You know, Dr. Crane, we're all awfully eager to hear about your trip. Did you have a nice time?

Frasier

Oh, yes, lovely.

Martin

Did you meet any girls?

Frasier

Ah, well, you know me, dad, I'm not one to kiss and tell.

Martin

Struck out, huh? Well, it'll all turn around for ya'.

Frasier

Why does everyone assume that it's impossible for me to meet a woman?

Martin

No need to get mad, I'm on your side, I just feel bad for you.

Daphne

[compassionately] We all do.

Frasier

You know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity. The fact is I did meet a woman down there, a perfectly fabulous woman, we had an utterly romantic weekend.

Martin

Why didn't you just tell us that from the start?

Frasier

Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.

Niles

Oh, yes, that pesky Club Med oath of silence!

Frasier

No! She asked me to be discreet. You see, she's a rather famous supermodel and right now she's going through a break- up with a star football player on the Seahawks. Didn't want any publicity, so you see, before I identify her to you, I have to ask you not to ever to repeat this to anyone.

Niles

I'd urge you to do the same.

Frasier

[angry] Her name is Kelly Easterbrook!

Daphne

Ah, the lotion girl! She has such milky skin.

Frasier

I thought so, yes. We were inseparable the entire weekend.

Daphne

You know, some people think I look like her.

Frasier

Oh, yes.

Frasier

I've got a picture of her, I'll be right back. [exits]

Niles

Well, it's one thing to concoct a little white lie, but to come up with a supermodel?!

Martin

Who dumped an NFL player for Frasier! [laughs]

Daphne

I think you two are just being awful, I've never known Dr. Crane to tell a lie.

Niles

Actually, this is not without precedent. When he was ten, he forged letters from Leonard Bernstein and told everyone they were pen pals.

Martin

Oh, yeah.

Niles

He'd come bounding up the stairs, "Got another one from Lenny"! We were all agog until Mr. Bernstein wrote that his Broadway debut was "Candide" when everyone knows that it was "On The Town." That's when we knew it was a fake!

Martin

The sloppy kid lettering was also a clue!

Frasier

Here she is. [hands it over]

Martin

Is this from a magazine?

Frasier

Yeah, yeah, she's in lots of magazines and billboards too. And now she's my girlfriend.

Frasier

Well, I'm off to bed. I didn't get much sleep over the weekend, you know what I mean!

Daphne

He just snapped like a twig, didn't he!

Frasier

[into phone] Hello. Kelly. Hi, gee, I didn't know you were back in town. Er, I'd love to. Right, well, I'll see you there, in what, half an hour? Okay. Well, yeah, me too. Bye.

Niles

Frasier, glad we caught you. We're off to the Buster Keaton retrospective, care to join us?

Frasier

Actually, I'm dashing off to "L'Escalias" for a late lunch with Kelly.

Niles

Oh, your supermodel.

Martin

You didn't mention anything about that when you left this morning.

Frasier

She just called, she came up early from a modeling assignment in Hawaii, I suspect to see you-know-who. [laughs]

Frasier

[to phone] Yes, Dr. Crane. Listen, I need my usual table in about twenty minutes. Oh yes, and chill your finest bottle of Pouilly Fuissé. [hangs up] Well, modeling those swimsuits, she works up quite a thirst!

Daphne

Poor sod.

Niles

Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?

Martin

Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!

Daphne

I wish there was something we could do.

Niles

There is. When he was in the phase of his Leonard Bernstein obsession, we finally confronted him, and, as you may recall, Dad, he was relieved that once and for all he could give up the charade.

Martin

[corrects pronounciation] Char-ade.

Niles

[adamant] Cha-rade.

Martin

Well, I guess we could talk to him. But what are we going to say?

Niles

It won't be easy. So, tell him that we know what's going on and that he doesn't have to pretend anymore.

Daphne

All right, but situations like that make me uncomfortable.

Martin

Well, you know, there's always the outside chance that we'll walk into that restaurant and some gorgeous supermodel will be draped all over Frasier...

Daphne

We needed that.

Martin

Yeah, I thought we could do with a little tension breaker!

Kelly

Frasier.

Frasier

You look wonderful.

Kelly

Oh, thank you.

Frasier

Here, here, sit. I ordered some appertisers.

Kelly

Oh, this is so sweet, but I can't stay. My lab called and there's been a small emergency.

Frasier

Is everything alright?

Kelly

Our incubator broke and my iguana eggs need to be moved to another lab right away. I hope you understand.

Frasier

Well, of course I'm disappointed, but we'll do it again sometime.

Kelly

I'll call you as soon as I'm done at the lab.

Frasier

Great, okay.

Frasier

[calls] I'll keep my fingers crossed, here's hoping your eggs are still fertile.

Waiter

My wife had trouble conceiving too. It turned out to be me!

Frasier

Well, mystery solved, off you go.

Niles

Oh, that is so sad.

Daphne

I'll say, nobody's ever bought me caviar and I'm real! [off Martin and Niles' glance] Maybe this is a family thing.

Frasier

Is something the matter?

Martin

Oh, we were just in the neighbourhood. Thought we'd stop by, see if you've changed your mind about the movie.

Frasier

You seem to be awfully persistent, but you know, I just may join you. My date cancelled at the last moment.

Niles

Listen, Frasier. Whatever it is that makes you feel the need to perpetuate this fantasy woman, you don't have to on our account.

Frasier

Fantasy?!

Martin

We're your family. We don't care if you haven't been out with anyone in quite a while.

Frasier

My God, you actually believe that I invented this relationship!

Martin

Hey, Frasier, it's no crime to go down to Acapulco and come back empty-handed.

Frasier

I did not come back empty-handed, I came back with two huge handfuls! Kelly was just here. She was called away on an emergency.

Niles

That would be a modeling emergency?

Frasier

No. She only models to raise money for her real interest: zoology. She's a PhD candidate and she raises iguanas. [they obviously don't buy this] The incubator broke and her eggs were in danger, and it was vital that only she transfer them over... Oh, the details are not important. The fact is that I'm having a relationship with this woman!

Martin

[puts a hand on Frasier's arm] We love you Frasier. Niles, me, Daphne...

Niles

Leonard Bernstein.

Frasier

[angry] I knew one day you would throw that back in my face!

Frasier

Kelly.

Kelly

Oh, hi.

Frasier

Hi.

Kelly

I was just leaving you a note. I'm really sorry about lunch.

Frasier

Oh, it's all right. Do you have time to come in?

Kelly

Sure. Good news is that I was able to move all of my eggs over to another lab.

Frasier

[unlocks door] Well, I hope you didn't put them all in one basket. [laughs]

Kelly

Why does everyone think that's funny?

Kelly

What a beautiful apartment.

Frasier

Thank you. Can I interest you in a glass of Beaujoulais Nouveau?

Kelly

I'd love some.

Frasier

All right.

Kelly

I actually have something to toast. My doctorate advisor's asked me to join his... [pauses as she notices Martin's chair] ...team of researchers going to the Galapagos Islands.

Frasier

[pouring wine] Well, that does deserve a toast.

Kelly

I'm replacing someone, so it's all very last minute. We leave in the morning. I'll be there for two months, inseminating indigenous iguanas. I've called all my friends, they couldn't believe it.

Frasier

Nor will mine!

Frasier

[saddened] Two months?

Kelly

Hey, I feel terrible leaving town so early in our relationship, but it's the opportunity of a life-time.

Frasier

Well, I'll be here when you return. We'll always have one incredible night to look back on fondly.

Kelly

I think we'll be looking back on two incredible nights.

Frasier

No, I'm sorry darling, it's just one night; Saturday night, then of course Sunday, you were...

Frasier

[realises] Oh. Right, right.

Kelly

What was that?!

Frasier

Nothing, nothing.

Kelly

I must have drifted off there.

Kelly

What's that noise?

Frasier

I don't hear anything?

Kelly

You took a picture of me while I was asleep?!

Frasier

Absolutely not! This is... it's your going away present. Bon Voyage.

Kelly

You're disgusting!

Frasier

Oh, no, Kelly, Kelly, listen, please, you don't understand.

Kelly

I don't believe this! Get out! [Frasier protests] Get out!

Frasier

[stops protesting] All right. [moves to door] You know, you think being a professional model, you might be a little more relaxed about somebody taking your...

Kelly

[screams] Get out!

Frasier

Kelly, don't you think we should talk about this. I won't see you again for two months!

Kelly

You won't see me again for a lot longer than that!

Frasier

Kelly!

Kelly

What? It wasn't enough just to tell people you bagged a model. You had to take a picture!

Frasier

No!

Kelly

What were you planning to do with it, sell it to the tabloids?

Frasier

No!

Kelly

Pass it around the office, show it to all your friends?

Frasier

No, no, just my immediate family!

Kelly

[impatient] I'm taking the stairs.

Frasier

Kelly!

Frasier

[o.s] Kelly! [depressed] Kelly.

Frasier

Oh, you missed her again. She's running down the stairs, you can catch her if you still want to.

Martin

[patronising] We believe you, Frasier, now let's just get your robe all cinched up. [ties it up] And get you back inside.

Frasier

Don't patronise me!

Frasier

Oh, look, look, TWO wine glasses!

Daphne

Oh, yes, one for you, one for her, that proves it all right!

Frasier

[psychotic] I AM NOT CRAZY! [sits on the sofa in a rage] I am dating a supermodel zoologist, who I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! [breaking down] Is that so hard to believe?!

Kelly

Frasier, I want to... [notices crowd] Oh! Well, good crowd! Where were you all hiding, under the bed?! [begins to rip out film from Frasier's camera] You know, it makes me sick to think I'd even spent one night with you, let alone two! I have known a lot of reptiles and looked under a lot of rocks in my life, but I have never seen anything slither out quite as slimy and repulsive as you!

Frasier

Well, what do you think of me now?