Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name

Young Frasier

I specifically requested my macaroni & cheese al denté.

Young Niles

I know. This lunch is a culinary Hindenberg.

Young Frasier

Niles, have you ever considered that our food may be payback for your recent editoral, "Cafeteria Of Shame"?

Young Niles

Well, they can't intimidate me. They'll never silence my pen. I could write an exposé on their baked goods alone.

Young Frasier

[knocks bread roll on table before a pun alert:] Yes, this is the hardest roll since Hamlet!

Young Niles

Good one, Frasier. May I use it?

Young Frasier

But of course.

Niles

These biscotti represent an all-time low. Chalky aftertaste, inelegant aroma, spongy!

Frasier

Yes, and what is a spongy biscotti but an unwelcome trespasser into Madeline territory?

Niles

Have you seen how stale these pistachios are? It's like swallowing gravel. It's a wonder I escaped permanent injury.

Frasier

[sarcastic:] Yes, your ability to cheat death at every turn never ceases to amaze.

Niles

Someone's in a mood today.

Frasier

Yes, sorry Niles. You know sometimes you just find yourself getting restless?

Niles

I'm fearing I'm about to.

Niles

[to phone:] Hello. Yes? Really? Bravo! Excellenté! Benissimo! [hangs up:] You'll never guess who that was!

Frasier

The Three Tenors?

Niles

No, it was my antiques scout. The present I ordered for Maris's birthday has arrived. I got her the most exquisite antique saddle.

Frasier

Oh. How's it look on you?

Niles

[looks at Frasier:] You won't laugh when you see it. It is bejewelled but not overdone, much like my Maris. The craftsmanship is breathtaking. It's been so expertly restored you can barely see the stitching.

Frasier

Again, like Maris!

Niles

Someone is in a mood today. [receives bill:] I'll get this.

Frasier

Thank you Niles, it's... perhaps you can run along to the wine club on your own tonight.

Niles

[surprised:] What?

Frasier

Well, it'll just be the same old faces rehashing the same boring topics.

Niles

You're more upset than I realised. Let's do something to take your mind off it. Dinner? Chamber music? There's a wonderful lecture series on the histroy of modern lecture series.

Frasier

I'm sorry, I don't think so. You know, I just feel like being on my own tonight. You don't mind, do you?

Niles

Of course not, I'll just see you at Puchino for lunch tomorrow.

Frasier

Well maybe we ought to play that by ear as well.

Niles

As you wish.

Frasier

You're not upset, are you?

Niles

Frasier, I'd have to have a pretty fragile ego to be upset just because you want to take some time away from me.

Waiter

Do you want to pay?

Niles

Separate checks, please! [turns away from Frasier]

Martin

Alright. Here we go: cold cuts, pizza rolls, deviled eggs, pork roll-ups; all right.

Frasier

[sarcastic:] Yes, the ideal buffet for a group of heavyset men over sixty! I assume everyone's ready to order.

Martin

Well, we're about ready to start our poker game.

Daphne

Don't worry Mr. Crane, I'll be on my way in a minute.

Martin

OK. Well, we're about ready to start our poker game.

Frasier

I heard you, dad. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do with myself this evening. My old routine doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore, I'm trying to think of something new. Oh, I know - maybe I could join you and the guys for some cards, eh?

Martin

Oh, I don't know about that, Frasier; I just don't think you'd fit in!

Frasier

Why not? Roz is playing!

Martin

Roz is like one of the guys. She knows more dirty jokes than Duke!

Frasier

Oh, if that's the criteria, I'm sure I could tell you a tale or two which would make you blush like a school girl.

Martin

That's what I'm afraid of!

Daphne

Oh let him play, it can't hurt anything.

Martin

Alright, come on.

Martin

Guys, Frasier's going to sit in with us tonight.

Roz

Really? You're going to play with us.

Frasier

Why not, Roz? Don't look so surprised. 'Sides, there's nothing I enjoy more than a good old-fashioned night with the guys.

Frank

OK, get ready, seven buck limit high and low, chips to win, high and low, the wheel is no good.

Frasier

Perfect.

Leo

No Check in rays? Three buck limit.

Frasier

Sounds good.

Roz

You're lost, aren't you?

Frasier

Like a Bedouin in a sandstorm!

Leo

So, you guys got your all-weather tires on ya?

Frank

I'm going to Richie's for some bodywork afterwards.

Roz

Go to Tim's, you get free a overhaul.

Duke

You ever been to Hank's? Now there's a garage.

Martin

King bets, fifty cents. Yeah, I've been to Hank's, right next to Mike's Hardware, right?

Jimmy

Why I was in Mike's the other day, they got those new cordless drills.

Frank

Still go to Mike's? You ought to try Tommy's. They give away free battery testers with every purchase.

Frasier

I'm out!

Frasier

Well, that was a bust!

Daphne

Be glad before the debate begins over who would be the most fun on a desert island - Angie Dickinson or Ursula Andress?

Frasier

That's ludicrous... it's Angie Dickinson.

Daphne

You know, Dr. Crane, I know it's none of my business but... Oh, never mind.

Frasier

No, no, go ahead.

Daphne

Perhaps you've been feeling restless lately because of a lack of, well, you know, female companionship. So I thought...

Frasier

Oh, dear!

Daphne

Just listen. I'm meeting my friend Clare for drinks tonight - she's complained of feeling restless...

Frasier

Just stop right there. I think by now you'd know my policy on fix-up's.

Daphne

She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.

Frasier

So you do know my policy. Off we go!

Daphne

Say hello to the "Fox & Whistle."

Frasier

You point her out and I will! [laughs]

Winston

[in English accent from behind the bar:] Hi-ay love, give us a kiss!

Frasier

Hope he's talking to you.

Daphne

[goes forward] Evening, all!

Clare

[comes over] Daphne!

Daphne

There's Clare now.

Frasier

My, she's everything you said she was...

Clare

[excited:] I'm engaged!

Frasier

And more!

Daphne

When did this happen?

Clare

Well, my old boyfriend, Bob, surprised me two nights ago. You gotta meet him, he's right over there.

Clare

He even brought someone you might be interested in.

Daphne

Oh, he is nice looking, isn't he?

Clare

Coming, pookie.

Daphne

Oh sorry, Dr. Crane, it seems like I've brought you down here for nothing.

Frasier

Oh hardly. If not for you I would have missed seeing the World's Most Nauseating Couple defend their title.

Daphne

We can leave if you like.

Frasier

No, no, you go talk with your friend; I'll have a drink.

Daphne

You sure?

Frasier

Sure. [turns to bar as Daphne exits]

Winston

What d'ya need?

Frasier

Well, funny, I've been asking myself that same question all day, it seems that lately my life...

Winston

I'll come back. [serves someone else]

Frank

I forgot that story!

Martin

Oh geez, it still doesn't top the time Leo and I were sent to break up that fight in the strip joint.

Leo

Oh, boy!

Martin

We walked in there and I'm telling you there was this one girl...

Frank

Hey Marty, Marty! Maybe you shouldn't tell that story.

Martin

What, because of Roz?

Roz

Oh please, Frank! If I can handle the Angie/Ursula debate, I think I can handle this!

Leo

But you agree with me on that one, right? You said you'd rather sleep with Angie?

Roz

One more time Leo. [slowly:] If I had to choose, yes!

Martin

Hey Leo, you start telling them that strip joint story; you guy's are going to bust a gut! Anyone else need a beer?

Roz

Yes!

Martin

Roz?

Roz

Remember?

Martin

Oh geez, I'm sorry, I forgot, yeah! [goes to the kitchen]

Frank

What's the matter, Roz? You think you won't be able to control yourself with all these handsome guys here? [laughs]

Roz

It's a little late for that, Frank. I'm pregnant.

Frank

What?! That's great! I remember when my Annie was pregnant. There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant broad!

Leo

You're in for a real treat, Roz. The best thing I ever did was having kids.

Duke

You know from the moment you hold that brand new baby in your arms, your whole life changes.

Jimmy

You're right about that!

Frank

What about when they grab your fingers with those little hands, that's one of the greatest feelings there ever is.

Duke

Yeah the joy of seeing them look up at you and smile.

Jimmy

Cherish every moment, Roz.

Frank

He's right. One minute they're sitting on your lap, you're their whole world. Next thing, they're growing up, out of the door with lives of their own!

Leo

And it's just you, old and alone in an empty house.

Duke

It's so empty.

Martin

Leo, I don't think you told that story right!

Clare

I think that Steven likes you!

Daphne

I hope so. He's adorable. I must say I was flattered when he assumed I was an underwear model too.

Clare

I noticed you didn't rush to correct him.

Daphne

There'll be time for that after the wedding! [they laugh] Ah, maybe I should just tell Dr. Crane to run along home.

Clare

I'm surprised you even brought your boss down here, I couldn't never relax around mine. What if he took a liking to the place?

Daphne

[laughs] Oh that's nothing I have to worry about, this pub really isn't his style!

Gang

Zing, boom, tararrel! Ring out a song of good cheer! It's time to roll out the barrel! Coz the gangs all here!

Frasier

Daphne, come and sing a song with us!

Daphne

Well, actually...

Frasier

Oh, you're not shy about singing in the house.

Steven

You two live together?

Frasier

Yes! She's my dad's health care worker.

Steven

[to Daphne:] I thought you modeled underwear!

Frasier

No! Only if her robes aren't stitched up tight enough! [laughs]

Terrence

Come on Frasier, we're going to do "Knees Up Mother Brown".

Frasier

I don't know "Knees Up Mother Brown". I know what, let's bring some sheet music tomorrow night.

Daphne

Tomorrow?!

Frasier

Yes.

Daphne

But you can't! I mean... do you know you have that gallery opening tomorrow?

Frasier

No, but if you hum a few bars I'll try to pick it up! [laughs]

Martin

[into phone:] Hey Sherry, Daphne's finally clearing out for the night. Why don't you come over? I'll, er, you know, get a fire going, open a bottle of bubbly, put a little Bobby Darin on the stereo, and then look out, Mackie's back in town! Yes, I thought it up before I called you. What's the difference? OK, see you soon. [Daphne enters] Wow, Daphne, don't you look beautiful.

Daphne

Thank you. It's so nice to finally have my pub back again. At least for a night.

Martin

Yeah.

Daphne

You are sure Dr. Crane has plans?

Martin

Oh, yeah, Niles called; they're going to the opera.

Daphne

Let's hope it's one of those long German ones - I don't want him showing up for last call!

Martin

Right!

Frasier

Good evening, Daphne. Wow, you look smashing!

Daphne

Oh thanks, I'm was just on my way out.

Frasier

What, to the "Fox & Whistle"? I'll go with you! Let me just grab me mack and me brolly and Bob's your uncle!

Daphne

But wait! I thought you were going to the opera with your brother?

Frasier

That's tomorrow night. Gee, I hope Winston's at the pub - I owe him five quid from the other night!

Daphne

Suddenly I'm not feeling so well.

Frasier

Oh, really? I hope it's not that flu that's going around.

Daphne

I think I'll just stay home tonight.

Frasier

Yes, yes, that's probably for the best. You've got to be careful what you bring down to the pub with you.

Daphne

[trying to drop a hint:] Tell me about it!

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Frasier.

Frasier

Something the matter?

Niles

[pouring a sherry] Oh, I had a rough night last night.

Frasier

How so?

Niles

Oh, I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.

Frasier

Oh, my!

Niles

Apparently the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream and created a powerful epoxy.

Frasier

Oh, dear!

Niles

Yes, it took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today her poor little thighs were so sore the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen butterball turkey. The only thing that cheered me up all day was the thought of our box at the opera tonight.

Frasier

Well, that's tomorrow night, Niles.

Niles

No, no, it's tonight. I have the tickets right here. [waves them]

Frasier

Oh, no.

Niles

[surprised:] Is there a problem?

Frasier

Well yes, there's a billiard tournament at the pub tonight.

Niles

You're passing up "Orpheus & Eurydice" to shoot pool at some sticky-bear salon?!

Frasier

Yeah well, my partner, Terrence has agreed to skip a family wedding just to participate - I can't leave him in the lurch. Isn't there somebody else who could take my place?

Niles

At this point I just so need to be by myself. My brother has abandoned me, my wife is cursing my name. Tonight when Orpheus descends into hell, I'll be there waiting for him with a fruit basket! [exits, Frasier follows]

Frasier

Oh, Niles! You can't stay mad at me, I promise I'll make it up to you. Press for the lift, won't you? Don't look at me that way, that's what they call it!

Daphne

Why is it so bloody dark in here? It's bad enough I have to stay home all evening, I'm not going blind as well!

Martin

What? You're staying in tonight?

Daphne

I don't have much choice, since that son of yours decided to go to my pub again. I mean, imagine being so dense that he can completely ruin someone else's evening and not even be aware of it. This wax is dripping! [blows out candles]

Martin

Have you tried maybe dropping a hint? [pops open the champagne loudly]

Daphne

Oh believe me, I've dropped plenty; they go right over his head! [notices bubbly:] Oh, I'll have a glass of that!

Martin

Daphne, I've got to level with you: Sherry's coming over and I really hoped to have the place to myself tonight. You know, I really think you should talk to Frasier, and I'm not just saying this because I want you to get the hell out of here! It's your pub and you ought to tell him that he's got to find his own place.

Daphne

I can't say that!

Martin

Well the longer you let it go, the more attached he's going to get to that place.

Daphne

But he's my boss.

Martin

But it's your pub.

Daphne

OK. That's it, I'm going to talk to him.

Martin

Good for you.

Martin

[to phone:] Hello? No, Maris, sorry, you just missed him. Why are you teeth chattering? You're kidding me. Can't you just use the defroster?!

Frasier

Gee Terrence, I never dreamed we'd be eliminated from the tournament in the first round. Guess I'm a little rustier than I thought. Hey, maybe you can still make that wedding reception.

Terrence

It's in Liverpool!

Frasier

Well then, [takes pints] these are on me.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, I have to talk to you.

Frasier

By all means, Daphne. Oh, Winston, let's have one of these pints for Miss Moon, please. [he hands one over] Oh, this is a really nice surprise, Daphne, you must be feeling better. Here we are. You make a toast.

Daphne

I don't want you coming down here ever again!

Frasier

Well, I guess "here's mud in your eye" sounded mean the first time too!

Daphne

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but I don't know what else to do. This pub is where I come to get away from things - including my job - and you are my boss...

Frasier

Daphne, I'm so sorry.

Daphne

I know that must sound selfish.

Frasier

No, no, not at all. You know, back in Boston I had a bar like this one, I certainly understand what it's like to have a place where you can get away. So, we've just got one solution: This is your bar, I'll just go.

Daphne

I do appreciate this, Dr. Crane. I know you've made friends here too.

Frasier

I've only been coming here a week - you've got a history here!

Daphne

They've become like family to me.

Frasier

Yes, I'll just settle up and go.

Freddy

Hey, I haven't been gone that long - two months is all. [to Daphne:] Who's this pretty new girl?

Winston

Oh, that's Daphne. She's Clare's friend. She's only been coming in the last month or so.

Frasier

A month?

Daphne

[ignoring:] Hello. Well, I'll see you at home, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

You've only been coming down here for a month?

Daphne

That's still longer than you!

Frasier

Yes, well there's certainly no way I'm leaving now!

Daphne

What?

Frasier

Daphne, this bar has filled up a void in my life. I'm not just going to throw that away just because you beat me here by a fortnight!

Daphne

Stop talking like us!

Winston

Here, here, I don't know what you two are arguing about, but we settle things around here with a quick game of cricket. [gives Frasier some darts]

Frasier

Darts?

Winston

Yeah, rules are on the board.

Daphne

There's gotta be a better way than that.

Frasier

Oh I don't know. It's decisive, better than standing around here bickering.

Daphne

It's not exactly my game.

Frasier

Well, it's not mine either.

Daphne

Well, alright. Let's try it.

Frasier

You shoot first, Daphne. You know, I'm rather proud of us: two people in conflict, we've found a civilised way to settle it.

Frasier

Oh, my!

Daphne

Is that good?

Frasier

Quite good.

Daphne

Lucky shot, then.

Frasier

Daphne, If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to hustle me!

Daphne

[laughs] Oh, not at all. I may have played a game or two of feathers in my day.

Frasier

A game or two? You've just made about the most difficult shot on the board!

Daphne

Actually, that's only the second most difficult.

Daphne

[taken aback] That's the most difficult.

Frasier

Come to think of it, there might have been a dart board in that bar in Boston...

Daphne

Well look at that, it's all tied up!

Frasier

Yes, who would have guessed those hands are so skilled. Certainly no one who's sampled your corned beef hash! [throws shot:] Ha! I score again!

Daphne

That's not something we hear out of your mouth very often!

Frasier

You don't want to rush this. [Daphne loses her concentration] A lot riding on this shot. [She loses it again]

Daphne

There is such a thing as sportsmanship.

Frasier

Oh, really? This from a woman who made armpit noises during my last round!

Daphne

Sod!

Frasier

[sarcastic:] I am so sorry, Daphne! Now all I have to do is make this relatively simple shot - unless of course you'd like to concede defeat.

Daphne

[laughs] That's typical American arrogance. We Brits don't know the meaning of the word "defeat!"

Frasier

Oh really, then I suppose you're not acquainted with that little spat we refer to as the Revolutionary War!

Daphne

Oh, just like a Yank! Insulting us Brits to cover up your inferiority complex!

Frasier

What exactly should we feel inferior about, your pioneering work in the field of soccer hooliganism?!

Daphne

Oh, say your worst. We both know there isn't as much dignity in this entire country as our Queen's got in her little finger.

Frasier

[sarcastic:] Oh yes, you've really bested me there, what could be more dignified than a dainty old sandbag who wears a flowerpot on her head! [takes shot] I win! The bar is mine!

Frasier

Oh, lose the long faces, lads, I'm staying. Oh good Lord, I hope you didn't take those little barbs about the motherland seriously!

Terrence

Perhaps you'd better leave now.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne'll tell you there's no greater Anglophile than I. I have all my suits made at Savile Row. I spell "colour" with a "u!"

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Well, look who's here. Take a wrong turn on the way to the pub?

Frasier

Actually, that scene has grown tiresome, and I... I miss this place.

Niles

I've spoken to Daphne. I take it it's over over there.

Frasier

You don't have to rub it in. Anyway, I know I owe you an apology for the other night so, here. I've brought you a peace offering. [hands a CD to Niles]

Niles

"Orpheus & Eurydice", thank you Frasier. [gasps:] The Glyndeborne production! I don't have this one.

Frasier

You're going to love it! The choice is particularly moving, and Janet Baker's Act Three aria is...

Young Frasier

-is quite simply it's the best consecutive aria I've ever heard.

Young Niles

Oh thank you, Frasier. I don't have "Orpheus & Eurydice" on 8-track yet! I'm surprised to see you - [sarcastic:] No woodworking club today?

Young Frasier

Oh, to tell you the truth, I've grown tired of that crowd, with their stupid bookends and birdhouses. As soon as I've finished slacking my shoe trees I'm out of there.

Young Niles

You got thrown out, didn't you?

Young Frasier

I did not.

Young Niles

Frasier, I can see right through you.

Young Frasier

Are you a psychiatrist?!

Young Niles

Oh no, I'm not a psychiatrist but I can see it in your face...