Ain't Nobody's Business If "I Do"

Niles

Oh, I got your message about the wine club, Friday night, and yes, I will be there.

Frasier

Oh, good, Dad's kicking me out of the house that night so he and Sherry can have a little party. [laughs] Oh, I don't know. Life really is a circle, isn't it? I'm letting Dad use my place for his friends to get together, and just a few years ago it would have been Dad who'd have to leave his house for my parties.

Niles

Yes, if you'd had any parties when we were young that would be filled with irony!

Daphne

Thank goodness you're here, I've got some rather shocking news.

Niles

What is it?

Daphne

I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.

Frasier

[shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?

Daphne

Not around, in! An engagement ring in a jewelry box.

Niles

An engagement ring? Dad must be about to ask Sherry to marry him. Do you know what that means?

Frasier

Yes, we're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on [in horror] the banjo!

Niles

It means she's going to be our mother. What are we going to do?

Frasier

Well, there's nothing we can do, Niles. It's what Dad wants.

Niles

But... what do we even call her?

Frasier

Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "mother." No, that's too formal. "Mama"... no, "Ma!"

Niles

[in dread] Ooh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma." "Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma." "Off to the roller derby, Ma'?"

Daphne

That's typical of you two. Your father is about to get married and all you two can think about is how it will affect you. [pause] What about me?!

Frasier

What about you?

Daphne

Sherry's never exactly liked me. You don't think she'll try to make your father get rid of me, do you?

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, of course not. He'd be lost without you.

Niles

Yes, and even if by some chance that were to happen, Daphne, I could always use you. [realizing innuendo] I, I would know of a position you could take... [digging into a hole] ...services that you could perform. [holds himself, then:] I would know of an opening... [realizes the path he has taken and takes up the check] This is on me.

Sherry

Marty, you need to stir the dip more, it's got whole lumps of soup mix in it.

Martin

Sorry.

Frasier

My, my, my, quite a little shindig you two are planning for tonight. We have the cheese logs, the erotic fortune cookies. For after dinner, a bloopers tape: "Too Hot For Hee-Haw."

Niles

I see that Martha Stewart party book I gave you really paid off.

Sherry

Oh, this old crowd, they wouldn't go for that fru-fru stuff. Get 'em liquored up, put out some corn nuts and they can go all night.

Frasier

When you say all night-?

Martin

[finishes stirring] There you go, smooth as silk.

Sherry

[kisses him] Thank you.

Niles

Who's going to be attending this soirée?

Sherry

Oh, just some old friends I'm dying for Marty to meet. Now, let's see, there's Ray and Lola Sherwood - well, I worked with them in Atlantic City when they had a knife-throwing act. Oh, now, Marty, try not to stare at her eyes, she gets self-conscious. And, let's see. Oh, and Edith's coming with her new fiancé.

Martin

Oh, she finally met him, huh?

Sherry

Mm, just this week.

Niles

They're engaged and they just met this weekend?

Sherry

Well, you see, up until now, it's been kind of a pen-pal relationship. He's been... detained the last few years.

Frasier

Well, you know, you're going to need some room for those corn nuts, why don't I just get this pesky priceless sculpture out of your way!

Sherry

Marty, I never heard back from Vic and Linda, did you get a message?

Martin

No.

Sherry

Oh, gee, maybe they left one on my machine.

Martin

So, what are you guys up to tonight?

Niles

Em, our wine club is having a vertical tasting at the "Opus One."

Martin

Oh, well, don't drink too much.

Niles

[laughs] It's not like that, Dad, you don't actually drink the wine. You just swish it around and spit it out.

Martin

We all did that at Duke's New Year's Eve party. Of course, it wasn't wine, it was egg salad!

Sherry

You know, that is so weird. I just got a message from my manager down at McGinty's. Some guy came in asking a lot of questions about me.

Martin

What kind of questions?

Sherry

Well, like where I used to work, the people I used to date, and the weirdest part is, my neighbor told me somebody came around asking her about me too.

Martin

Sounds like somebody's checking up on ya'.

Sherry

Like a detective?

Martin

Oh no, it's probably a credit card company, something like that, I wouldn't worry about it.

Sherry

Well, still, it is a little scary. I wish I knew who it was.

Martin

Oh, forget about it, I've been through this before. Private investigators never leave a trail. Really, it could be anyone.

Sherry

If you think so.

Martin

[whispering furiously] Which one of you hired him?!

Frasier

Well, that is just crazy!

Martin

Oh, come on, who else would have the money to do something like that?

Frasier

I have no idea, we have nothing to do with it. Do you really think that we would hire someone to spy on Sherry? My God, I'm insulted!

Niles

As am I!

Martin

Well, all right. Maybe I was jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Frasier

You most certainly have!

Martin

I'm sorry, boys.

Frasier

It's all right, Dad.

Niles

Just forget about it.

Frasier

[whispering furiously] You hired a detective, how could you?!

Niles

I have never been so insul-!

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

Okay, I'm sorry. I was just looking out for Dad here. I mean, what do we really know about this woman?

Frasier

She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.

Niles

Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man.

Frasier

Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!

Niles

I was just simply trying to get some background information.

Frasier

Well, stop it. Call it off right now, Niles.

Niles

Consider it done.

Frasier

All right.

Niles

We gotta run.

Frasier

Yeah. [shouts through] Goodbye.

Martin

[o.s] Bye, boys.

Sherry

[o.s] Have a nice time you two, we'll save you some cake.

Frasier

Thank you. [to Niles] You see that, how sweet she is? My God, I can't believe you're actually having that woman investigated. You know, try to have a little trust in people!

Roz

You see someone following me?

Frasier

Yes, you can play along now.

Police

Ah, excuse me, ma'am, I saw you cross against the light. I'm going to have to write you a ticket.

Roz

[winded voice] Oh, well, I'm really sorry about that. It's just that it's so cold out there and the pollution, I just didn't want to expose my unborn child to the elements any longer than I needed to. [Roz stands revealing her bump]

Police

You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself.

Roz

Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? [pats officer's "bump"] So, when are you due?

Police

I'm not pregnant!

Roz

[submitting] That's Roz Doyle.

Police

Would you step over here?

Roz

R-O-Z.

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Oh, hello, Frasier. May I borrow your pen?

Frasier

Certainly. [hands it over as he shakes the detective's hand] How do you do?

Niles

[writes check] I appreciate all your hard work and I am sorry to have to break off the investigation in the middle.

Detective

That's all right, people change their minds all the time.

Niles

I'm sure they do. [hands it over] There you are.

Detective

Thank you.

Frasier

There now, don't you feel better?

Niles

I suppose so.

Frasier

You have to admit, I was right on this one. There was absolutely no justification for giving into your baser instincts of prying in Sherry's past.

Detective

I almost forgot. I wrote up a little report on what I found out so far. That's one interesting lady.

Niles

Well, I should have just told him to drop that in the trash. After all, we're concerned with Dad's happiness. Sometimes, Frasier, you are like the beacon piercing the fog of my baser instincts. [to waitress] Excuse me, would you just drop that in the...

Frasier

I see your point. [opens the envelope] I hate myself for what I'm doing.

Niles

Frasier, we're doing it for Dad's own good.

Frasier

[reads document] Oh, so far, so good: graduated from high school, almost paid off her Subaru, you know she's been married.

Niles

Yes, she mentioned that, to Johnny Dempsey.

Frasier

There were two others. Ned Foley, Mark Wallace...

Niles

That's a bit troubling, three previous marriages.

Frasier

...Vincent Mayhew, Guiltham Mandel, Waltz...

Niles

Just give me the total!

Frasier

Six that we know of. God, you had to go and fire that detective before he finishes reporting!

Niles

Six? [reads them]

Frasier

Yes, she's obviously incapable of remaining in a relationship. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, does it?

Niles

And on the other hand, it does bode well for Dad getting a "yes" when he proposes. He has a right to know about this.

Frasier

But we already told him we weren't involved in the investigation, we can't just tell him now we were lying!

Niles

Maybe there's some way to impart the information without explaining how we came by it. You know, just sort of drop it casually in the conversation.

Frasier

And how would that go? [deadpan:] Oh, Dad, you going to the Sherry Ex-Husband Convention this year? Besides that, you know, Dad may know everything already.

Niles

I think we need to find that out. How would we feel if we let Dad marry this woman, and in a year's time he's tossed aside like Danny Mitchell.

Frasier

Who's that?

Niles

Page five, engaged but never married.

Martin

Hey, boys. [they greet him] Daph', what do you think about this jacket? I don't know, it just - something doesn't quite feel right.

Daphne

I think it's nice.

Martin

Really?

Daphne

Yes.

Frasier

You know, Dad, I was talking with a lady today down at the café and I happened to mention that I'd been married twice before, and a look clouded over her face as if I'd confessed to some unspeakable sin!

Niles

Makes you wonder what people go through who've been married even more times than that. Quite a taboo they face.

Daphne

Oh, I don't know, some...

Frasier

You know, Dad, I think it harkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?

Martin

[enters] There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family. Maybe, it's the shirt, do you like this shirt?

Daphne

Yes, it's nice.

Frasier

That'd make a good topic to discuss on my show. Niles, you know the hurdles that are faced by people with multiple marriages.

Niles

Of course, the hard part would be rounding up enough people who've been married a significant number of times. Do you know anyone?

Frasier

No, I don't.

Daphne

You know, Mrs. Krabs upstairs-

Frasier

How about you, Dad?

Martin

Oh, yeah, sure, I know some people.

Frasier

Really? You do.

Martin

Well, I think.

Niles

You think.

Martin

Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't, who cares? I hate this shirt, I better go change this shirt!

Frasier

Well, that was fruitless!

Daphne

I'll tell you one thing I'm sure of.

Frasier

Yes?!

Daphne

Oh, I'm allowed to talk now, am I? [pause] I've never seen your father so nervous. He's meeting Sherry at McGinty's, I bet he's planning to pop the question.

Niles

Well, that's it Frasier, we're just going to tell him what we found out.

Frasier

Yes, but we still don't know what he knows.

Niles

Don't you think if she had told him she had been married six times, then he would remember?

Daphne

Who, Sherry?

Martin

You know, maybe this shirt isn't so bad. Especially with this new jacket. What do you think of this new jacket?

Daphne

I think it's nice. Sherry's been married six times?

Martin

Who told you that?

Daphne

[realizing her mistake] They did. [points to brothers]

Martin

What's this all about?

Frasier

You know, Dad, I'd love to see that first shirt with the second jacket.

Martin

Oh, come on. You got this from the investigator - you did hire him, didn't you?

Frasier

All right, I guess there's no use denying it. Yes, yes, we did hire him. Although the word "we" is not entirely accurate.

Niles

Frasier, I am shocked...

Frasier

Oh, shut up, Niles! Look, Dad, we were just concerned about you. We know about the engagement ring.

Martin

My ring? Which one of you went through my drawers?

Frasier

Right now, pointing fingers is not going to do us any good.

Martin

What the hell is the matter with you two?

Frasier

She did it! [points to Daphne]

Martin

Well, it's nice to know there isn't a single person in this house I can trust. Sherry told me about her marriages the first week of our dating! I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business, just like it's none of your damn business who I marry or who I don't marry! I don't know why I'm even wasting my time talking to you!

Daphne

Do you see what I get for confiding in you two blabbermouths! The next time I find something interesting in your father's underwear drawer, I'm just gonna sit on it!

Niles

Well, this evening is an entire disaster. I'm already late for dinner with Maris. I just don't know how this could have happened. [goes to door but doesn't open it]

Frasier

Yes, who'd have guessed that something so innocent as spying on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer can turn so ugly!

Niles

Well, there is one consolation. We told Dad the truth and we were able to bear his anger. That's the nice thing about our relationship, we're all adults. We can talk things through, we're not afraid of confrontation...

Frasier

Stop stalling, Niles! Dad must be on the elevator by now!

Daphne

Look what I found in your father's jacket.

Frasier

I do not want to know about it.

Daphne

He forgot the ring! This is going to be embarrassing for him. I suppose I could take it down to him.

Frasier

[takes ring] No, no, Daphne. I should do that. It will give me an excellent opportunity to show him just how happy I am that he's marrying Sherry.

Daphne

That would be very nice.

Frasier

Yes. I just can't figure out why he would propose in a place like McGinty's! It seems like such a shabby setting. [looks at ring] Well, I guess he was just trying to match the ring.

Sherry

So I told her that you and I would take a trip up there this spring. [Martin is quiet] Well, you like my sister, right?

Martin

Yeah, sure.

Sherry

Oh, now, come on, Mart'. You can't hold one little embarrassing moment against her. She didn't know you were in there!

Martin

No, no, I don't. I like your sister.

Sherry

Well, then what is wrong with you? You're being so quiet.

Martin

I got something on my mind.

Sherry

Well, what is it?

Martin

I've been thinking a lot about us and... where do you see us going?

Sherry

Gee, I don't know. I mean, I'm having fun the way things are. You have your life, I have mine. No pressure.

Martin

That's what I thought you'd say.

Sherry

There's nothing wrong with us just having fun.

Martin

No. It's just that we've been just having fun for a long time now. Let me ask you something, where do you see us in a year? Five years?

Sherry

Oh, gee, I don't know, I try not to look too far ahead.

Martin

Well, I guess that's the difference between us. Because I can't stop thinking that far ahead. You know, I've come to realize, Sherry, that I want to get married again. And you know it's not anything you're interested in.

Sherry

Well, can you blame me? I mean, Marty you know my track record, I've been down that road a lot of times! I mean, I've learned the hard way, I'm not looking for forever.

Martin

I am.

Sherry

So... so you're breaking up with me?

Martin

We're just looking for different things, Sherry. I'm sorry.

Martin

It's hot in here.

Sherry

Yeah.

Frasier

Dad, Dad!

Martin

What?

Frasier

I'm glad I've seen you.

Martin

Get out of here. [sits]

Frasier

Dad, Dad, I've got something that I think you might like to have before you tell Sherry whatever it is you want to tell her.

Sherry

Oh, he's already told me.

Frasier

He has? Well, that is just wonderful and may I say, it's about time! I couldn't be happier for you.

Sherry

That's nice to know.

Martin

Frasier!

Frasier

I'd like you to know that everybody is one hundred percent behind this decision - my God, we're all so excited.

Martin

FRASIER!

Sherry

Well, I'm so glad that you're so happy your father's breaking up with me.

Frasier

[realizes] Breaking up? [pause] I had no idea.

Sherry

And you get paid to help people through their difficult moments?

Martin

It isn't easy to say goodbye, is it?

Sherry

No. It doesn't get any easier either, I should know. Listen, Marty, this is usually the time people say, "Well, let's be friends" and then, oh, there's a phone call or two but they never see each other again and, well, I just want you to know I am around for you if you ever get lonely or you just need to talk.

Martin

Thanks. [they hug]

Sherry

Oh, and when you call, if a man answers - hang up.

Frasier

Hi, Dad. The only reason I came down here was to bring you this. [hands over ring] Obviously I made another colossal blunder in a week full of them. I'm really sorry, Dad. [Martin is silent] I guess you don't really feel like talking.

Martin

You know, Frasier, sometimes I just feel like sitting here and watching the game, all right?

Frasier

Fine, I can do that.

Martin

Yeah.

Frasier

Sure. [looks up] So the, er, Sonics and the, er, Bulls. That Jordan, he's really something, huh? Yeah. The way he scores those points and gets the ball back when the other team misses... Wow! That's incredible. He made the same impossible shot twice in a row!

Martin

It's the instant replay. [pause, looks at ring] You know, I was carrying this thing around for a month.

Frasier

Really?

Martin

Yeah, but at the end of every night I just couldn't pop the question, and then I realized I knew what the answer would be. She didn't want to get married again.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Dad.

Martin

Oh, it's all right. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. Your mom's a hard act to follow! I never went through anything like this with her. We knew we were meant to be together and that was that.

Frasier

It's hard to find that out, Dad. I've been trying for a while.

Martin

[pats him on the shoulder] You'll get there. I hope we both do.

Frasier

Well, Dad, in time.

Frasier

Well, that was quite a shot!

Martin

Patton's been pretty hot lately.

Frasier

What's the score here, anyway?

Martin

Sonics are only down by five, they've still got a chance if they can hold Jordan.

Frasier

[to waiter] Can I have a beer here, please?

Martin

[to waiter] Yeah, make that two.