The Zoo Story

Bebe

Well, well, well, look who's here. It's KACL's Frasier Crane.

Frasier

And Rosemary's Bebe.

Bebe

So, quite a little shake-up going on down at the station. I hear the new owner wants to renegotiate everyone's contract.

Frasier

[turning head] Mmm-hmm. And before you drop another gossamer hint, let me tell you that my feelings about you haven't changed.

Bebe

Fine! Actually, I'm here to meet one of my newer clients, a rising star of the Seattle airwaves.

Frasier

Oh, really, and what pathetic do-gooder have you lured into your web now?

Bebe

[overly affectionate] Roz!

Frasier

[surprised] Oh, dear God.

Bebe

You just get off your feet, little mother. I'll fetch you a nice, nourishing muffin.

Frasier

You signed with Bebe?

Roz

[sitting] Okay, I know, I should've told you, I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.

Frasier

[sitting across from her] I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whoever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!

Roz

Look, she's gotten me three voice-over jobs. She may be a little shifty, but she helps me put food on the table.

Bebe

One muffin.

Roz

See?

Bebe

[sitting; pats Roz's belly] So, Roz, I had a brainstorm last night about how to turn this little bundle of joy into a big bundle of cash!

Roz

[confused] I'm going to use my baby to make money?

Frasier

[angry] Yes, it's high time the little slacker started pulling his weight!

Bebe

[to Roz] You know Doctor Clint Weber's medical show? Well, I see a daily segment called, "A Pregnant Pause: Roz Doyle's Term of Endearment." All of Seattle will share in the miracle happening inside you - your joys, hopes, morning sickness, sonograms, even the birth! [excited]

Roz

[still confused] I'll give birth on the air?

Bebe

It's radio. Just make the noises. [laughing] Hell, I'll make them myself!

Waitress

Need anything else here?

Frasier

Just a shower, thank you.

Bebe

You know, Mr. Integrity, word on the street is you still haven't hired anyone to negotiate this big deal for you. [Frasier stands] Could it be because in your heart you know you want to come back to me?

Frasier

Yes, well if I'm taking my time it's because I'm determined to make the right choice.

Roz

Well, you're gonna need somebody good!

Frasier

That's exactly what I intend to find, someone good! I'm going to prove to both of you it's possible to find an agent who can drive a hard bargain and yet maintain the highest ethical standards!

Bebe

[sarcastic] Happy hunting. If things don't work out, you know my number.

Frasier

[walking out door] Still 666, is it?!

Niles

[walks in] Hello, Dad. I believe we switched videotapes on accident.

Martin

Believe me, I noticed.

Niles

Yes, there you go. [hands over video] At first I was dismayed. I popped in the tape, and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash, but I actually got into it. It was quite suspenseful.

Martin

Yeah, well, that's the way Duke and I felt about "My Dinner With Andre." Talk about suspense! [fake, dramatic anticipation] Will they order dessert? Will they leave a good tip? [walks to chair and sits]

Frasier

Oh, hello, Niles.

Niles

Frasier, I'm sorry to trouble you about this, but could you recommend another couples' therapist?

Frasier

Good Lord, not again. What happened to Dr. Prescott?

Niles

Oh, please, Maris had me can Dr. Prescott weeks ago. Now she wants me to fire Dr. Wilphaum.

Frasier

What's her problem with him?

Niles

She says his criticism of her is too harsh.

Frasier

Well, some therapists can be rather blunt and hard-hitting. What did he say?

Niles

He asked her to refrain from catalogue shopping during our sessions. [sits on couch]

Frasier

You know Niles, if you fire every therapist who finds fault with her, you're never going to make any progress.

Niles

You're right, of course. I'll just tell her, "We're not going to change therapists, that's that." [stands]

Frasier

Good! You know, sometimes there's nothing more rewarding than sticking to a principle. Case in point, you know, my contract's coming up, and, uh, well, Bebe Glazer's been angling to negotiate my new one. Anyway, I could've done the easy thing, said yes, taken the money and run, but instead, I said no, and I found myself a new agent, one who's every bit as smart and also ethical.

Niles

Hmmm.

Frasier

That's him now.

Martin

Well, I don't know what kinda bull that guy sold you, but there's no such thing as an ethical agent. One's just as slimy as the other.

Frasier

Hello, Ben.

Ben

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was making my last Meals on Wheels delivery and I swerved to avoid a pigeon. You know, splat went the food all over the stuffed bears for the toy drive. I had to run home, throw the bears in the wash, and cook some more borsht for Mrs. Pavlov.

Frasier

I'm glad you made it. Anyway, this is my brother, Doctor Niles Crane.

Ben

Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Niles

Hi. [shakes his hand, leaving] Sorry, I'm running out. [turns, laughing] You're certainly a refreshing change from Frasier's last agent. I think she would have swerved to hit the pigeon. [another laugh]

Frasier

[laughing] Well, she would have swerved to hit Mrs. Pavlov! [closes door] Ben, I'd like you to meet my dad, Martin.

Frasier

Oh, and this is his home health care worker, Daphne. Daphne, this is Ben, my new agent.

Daphne

[shakes Ben's hand] Oh, very nice to meet you.

Martin

Well, Ben, it sounds like you're a pretty busy volunteer.

Frasier

Yes, indeed, you know, Ben just won this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.

Ben

[quickly] Well, enough about me. Let's talk about you. [gestures to couch] May I?

Frasier

Oh, please.

Ben

[sitting] I was thinking that before we start this negotiation it wouldn't hurt to raise your public profile.

Frasier

[shrug] I like the sound of that.

Ben

Okay, here's my plan. For a year now, I've done pro bono work for the Mercer Island Zoo - you know, getting the word out, creating awareness --

Daphne

[still sitting at table] There's a zoo on Mercer Island?

Ben

[grin] You betcha. This'll be great PR for both of you. They just bought a rare crane. I convinced them to name it after you - you know, Frasier "Crane." So, there'll be a ceremony with full newspaper and TV coverage.

Frasier

I think it's brilliant! [sits beside Ben] I'm bolstering my bargaining position and also helping out a plucky little zoo! I love this man!

Daphne

[stands and walks over with bowl, places it on coffee table] I think it would be fun to have a crane named after me. I just love those big pouchy mouths they scoop up the fish in.

Ben

I think those are pelicans.

Daphne

Oh, right. [walking back toward breakfast table] Cranes are the ones who always sound like they're laughing. No, wait, I'm thinking of loons.

Martin

That's a coincidence.

Ben

[stands] Oh, shoot, I've got borsht on my sleeve. Do you have any club soda?

Daphne

Oh, yes, right through here. [walking toward kitchen, Ben follows]

Frasier

Help yourself.

Ben

Thank you.

Martin

Frasier, you told me this was a pretty big deal. Are you sure you want to send in that Mouseketeer?

Frasier

Oh, why does everybody assume that in order to be an agent you have to be some unscrupulous huckster? It is possible for a good and decent man to be every bit as intimidating as the toughest shark out there.

Ben

[entering] Well, time to skedaddle. I have to pick up a friend. [walks toward door; Frasier follows] The poor guy just went bankrupt, so I'm letting him bunk in my ruckus room for a while.

Frasier

Well, that's awfully generous of you.

Ben

Well, he's not just a friend, he's a client.

Director

Um, and then the press and the board members will join us in here for a buffet.

Frasier

So I finish my speech, and then I give Mr. Twembly here the cue and he brings out this marvelous creature.

Twembly

[kneeling beside cage] Just give me the signal.

Martin

[enters] Aw, this is great! Look at this! Turkey, chicken wings! [leans down toward crane] Hey! Gotta make you a little nervous, huh?

Daphne

[walks up to Frasier] [hushed voice] Look! It's Toffee Macintosh, from the news! I just love her!

Frasier

Oh, yes, really?

Toffee

[approaching] Frasier.

Frasier

Toffee. Thank you for covering us.

Toffee

[laugh] Aw, you know my motto, "If it happens in Seattle, it's news to me." [laugh]

Frasier

Listen, I'd like you to meet one of your biggest fans, Daphne Moon.

Daphne

Hello. I just love the way you get all somber when you describe a flood or a murder, then you cheer right up the minute you're done! Makes me think, well, if she can get over it, so can I.

Toffee

That's what I'm here for.

Ben

[enters] Ready to greet your public?

Frasier

Well, uh, yes! Come on, Dad!

Martin

[eating] All right, I'll be there in a sec.

Bebe

Why, you see what maternal instincts this woman has? Even little Bobo here can sense it.

Frasier

[approaching Bebe and Roz] Well, I can see I'm not the only one getting some publicity today.

Ben

[joins them] Frasier, they want to start pretty soon.

Frasier

Oh, Ben, Ben, just a moment, I'd like you to meet some people. This is Bebe and Roz. This is Ben, my new agent.

Ben

Hey, talk about your small worlds. Turns out Mr. Twembly and I both sang tenor for the same choir back home in Salt Lake City. Nice meeting you ladies.

Bebe

[evil laugh; very sarcastic] Well, when there's a dirty job to be done, you can't go wrong with a Mormon.

Frasier

[indignant] Scoff all you like, the man is a genius at PR.

Twembly

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the Mercer Island Zoo, I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Doctor Frasier Crane. [applause]

Frasier

[steps up to podium] Thank you, Mr. Twembly. I suppose it's only appropriate that the zoo has called upon me to introduce you all to its newest resident. You see, he happens to be a relative of mine. [laugh]

Martin

Hey, what're you lookin' at? This is human food. You don't see me lookin' at your bird food, do you? [turns away from bird and toward the buffet; bird bites the seat of Martin's pants; turns back around] What do you think you're doing, huh? That's not very nice! [shakes his cane at the bird; cane catches on cage, opening gate; bird jumps out]. Oh, wait, wait, no, no, no, wait, where you goin'?!

Frasier

...We're both tall and have distinctive profiles, we've both been known to winter in Mexico, and let's not forget our voices. Is there anything as stirring as the crane's majestic cry?

Martin

[o.s] Yeyaaaaaaaa! Get this thing off me! [hobbles in, holding ear]

Frasier

Dad, are you all right? What's happening? [uproar; bird runs behind him, chased by several men] My goodness! What is going on! [turns toward audience, attempting to cover] Oh, I'm sorry! Nothing to be alarmed about! Just a little family squabble!

Toffee

In a gruesome incident this afternoon, the Mercer Island Zoo seemed more like the Island of Doctor Moreau....

Toffee

[v.o]...as a distinguished senior citizen was savagely attacked by Frasier Crane, Bird of Prey.

Frasier

I can't watch any more of this.

Martin

Well, that makes us even. I can't hear any of it.

Frasier

Oh, you weren't hurt that badly! Of course, you wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee. She makes the whole thing sound like a disaster!

Daphne

I know. [brightens] But did you see the way she could smile right after?

Frasier

[sitting on couch] Lord, this entire affair's turned into a PR nightmare!

Martin

Well, it's your own fault for hiring Howdy Doody as your agent!

Frasier

[walking to door] Dad, I'm sorry. Ben had no idea that bird was going to attack you. Besides, there is a school of thought that says there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Niles

Frasier, I was just hearing about you on the car radio. The deejay was offering a cash prize for the best Frasier Crane joke. Wait, what was the front-runner? Oh, yes, how can you tell Frasier the Crane's a psychiatrist?

Frasier

[closing door] I can't wait to hear.

Niles

He ignores what you say then sticks you with a large bill.

Niles

[walking toward Martin's chair as Frasier goes to his bookshelves] You must excuse my jolly mood, but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.

Martin

[clearly disgusted] Eeww, Jeez.

Niles

I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop. She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither. And then, just as things were heating up, she renewed her request that I dismiss Doctor Wilphaum. So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented, but then I remembered your advice, Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor - at which point Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future!! And she left!

Frasier

Now, now, now, Niles, withholding sex may be just as difficult on Maris! She may crumble first!

Niles

Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel.

Frasier

[defensive] All right, Niles. You know that my advice was solid.

Niles

I hope you're right. [phone rings] I'll get it. Hello? Oh, hello Roz. [to Frasier] It's Roz.

Frasier

Thank you. [takes phone] Roz, hello. Yes, what is it?

Niles

[pointing at flowers on table] That's a striking arrangement.

Martin

It's from Bebe. After what happened today, she's trying to woo him back.

Niles

Birds of Paradise, I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.

Frasier

[on phone] Yes, well, ah, thanks for the warning, Roz.

Martin

What's that about?

Frasier

Oh, well, it turns out the station manager won't be renegotiating the contracts himself. Apparently he's brought in one of these hired guns stations use to reduce costs. Some fellow nicknamed "The Hammer."

Niles

[examining flowers] I'm assuming they call him "The Hammer" because he's tough.

Frasier

No, Niles, because he loves the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein!

Martin

You know, Frasier, if I were you, I'd give Bebe a call. Now, I'm no fan of hers, either, but this is a pretty big negotiation.

Frasier

[walks toward door] No, Dad, I am sticking with Ben. Oh, sure, maybe Bebe could use her dark arts to get me a dollar or two more, but, you know, my integrity is worth more than that. [opens door] Hello, Ben.

Ben

Hey, big guy. How ya doing?

Frasier

Well, uh, fine.

Ben

Good. Boy, people sure are being mean about this! I was just listening to the radio on the way over. Ouch. But I always say, if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Frasier

That's the spirit. [hopefully] So you've got some sort of damage-control plan?

Ben

You betcha. I got a way to turn this whole mess around and show that station manager just what you're made of.

Frasier

Excellent! But you won't be dealing with him. You'll be dealing with this free-lancer they call "The Hammer."

Ben

Hoo-boy. [sits]

Martin

You've gone up against him?

Ben

Oh yes, and I had to take a pretty firm line with him.

Frasier

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Ben

Yeah, I finally said, "You better just clean up your language, Pal. I walked out on that Mamet play, I can walk out on you."

Frasier

[hesitates] So, uh, about your plan.

Ben

Yeah, right! Um, I think there's a way to show people you're laughing right along with them. You do a photo op where you, Seattle's best-loved psychiatrist, give the crane therapy. You know, you sit in a chair with a pad on your lap, and the crane - properly sedated, of course - sits on... [pulls out a miniature psychiatrist's couch] THIS.

Niles

Where on earth did you find a couch that size?

Ben

Oh, I built it myself. I have a little workshop in my attic where I make toys for the neighborhood kids.

Martin

Look at you! Agent, samaritan... elf.

Frasier

Dad, I like this idea! It's droll... and self-mocking. It's the perfect way to turn a PR embarrassment into a triumph!

Ben

Great. I'll set up the photo op. And don't you be nervous about The Hammer, all right? Because I can be a pretty tough customer myself!

Frasier

[walking him to the door] I'm sure you can! I know you're gonna go in there and you're gonna give him hell!

Ben

Boy, I love show business, but I'll never get used to the cursing!

Frasier

[quietly] Latte, please.

Waitress

Hey, didn't I see your picture in the paper today? There was a big bird chasing you around a little couch!

Frasier

[glares] Latte, please.

Niles

Well, I think you have a real case against the maker of those crane sedatives.

Frasier

Thank you for the sympathy!

Niles

You're not the only one going through a rough patch. Maris has strained my libido to the breaking point!

Frasier

Niles, you can't give in!

Niles

I'm getting desperate! This morning, I found myself flirting with my manicurist!

Frasier

The one with the thing on her face?

Niles

I told you, I'm desperate!

Frasier

What can be keeping Ben?

Niles

After all this, you're still using Ben? Shouldn't you just go back to Bebe?

Frasier

[points finger] I see what you're doing. You think if I bail out on my principles it gives you an excuse to go crawling back to Maris. Well, I'm not going to do it. Ben may have made some mistakes, but he is a good man, and he's going to make me a good deal!

Frasier

Oh, Gil! How'd it go with the Hammer?

Gil

You've never seen such cold, dead eyes! It was like bargaining with Nosferatu. My salary's been slashed!

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry.

Waitress

Can I do anything else for you?

Niles

[holding up biscotti] Yes, would you mind nibbling on this provocatively?

Frasier

Niles! [to waitress] We're fine, thank you. [waitress leaves]

Gil

I wish you good luck, Frasier. I don't see anybody squeezing blood from that stone.

Bebe

[triumphantly] Lattes for everyone!

Gil

[shocked] Dear God, don't tell me you did well!

Roz

[thrilled] I got a weekly spot on Clint Weber's show and a thirty percent raise!

Gil

How on earth did you get all that?

Bebe

[evil laugh] Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried. [pause] Usually, that's just a metaphor.

Roz

So, Gil, what'll you have? My treat?

Gil

I think I'll be happier at the losers' table with Aunt Penny, the story lady. [calls offstage] Penny! Don't put that flask away! [moves off]

Frasier

Well, congratulations, Roz. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for Ben. We have to discuss our bargaining position.

Bebe

Oh, there're so many to choose from. Kneeling, crawling, groveling. I'm sure he'll pick the right one.

Frasier

[muttering] God, she is obnoxious!

Niles

[watches her] Mmmm. Though alluring, in a buxom, bad-girl kind of way.

Frasier

Oh, shut up, you horny idiot! [pause] My bandage seems a little loose. If Ben gets here, just tell him I went in to fix it. [leaves for bathroom]

Bebe

Frasier, we have to talk.

Frasier

[angry] Are you aware that you are in the men's room?

Bebe

Oh, please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them... I'd never get a parking space. [closes door] Now, it's time we both dropped the masks. You need me, and I want you back. Just sign this contract. I'll cut you a deal that'll make Roz's look like lunch money.

Frasier

Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?

Bebe

You wanna see a carcass, chum? [grabs Frasier and faces him toward mirror] Look in the mirror. Look what you've let that man do to you. Your face is riddled with bird bites, your name's a punchline, and your career is five minutes from over, and he's only been your agent for three days!

Bebe

Send him in against the Hammer and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound! [turns him around toward her almost violently] Admit it! You're scared!

Frasier

[desperately] All right, maybe I am scared! But... there is one thing that is stronger than fear! Faith! Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal! [pushes her back] Now get out of my way!

Bebe

No, I won't let you! D'you know what I've been through building your career? I have been to hell and back so often I have frequent flier miles! [runs to him, grabs the lapels of his coat and pulls him toward her] You owe me a second chance!

Frasier

Take your tentacles off of me! [shoves her away, rushes out]

Bebe

[calling after him] Please! I won't be the same Bebe you knew! I'll change! I'll be like Ben! [pause] Only competent!

Bebe

[chasing Frasier] Darling, you forgot to sign!

Niles

[starting to stand] Oh, you reconciled. Congratulations, I'll just be off to Maris's.

Frasier

Sit down, Niles! I'm still with Ben.

Frasier

Ben!

Ben

Sorry I'm late. I took my son's troop on a nature hike and little Noah got a bee sting, so I rushed him to the emergency room, then I came straight here.

Frasier

It's all right, we've got five minutes.

Ben

Excuse me. [leaves]

Roz

Now, Frasier, you know Bebe can make you a better deal.

Niles

Listen to Roz.

Bebe

Listen to Niles.

Frasier

I'm not listening to any of you! My God, am I the last man on God's green earth that's still willing to stand up for a principle?

Ben

Should we go over those demands for ol' Mr. Hammer?

Frasier

[hesitantly] Ben, could we have a word?

Niles

[into phone] Hello, Maris!

Frasier

Uh, listen, I don't think it's news to you that things haven't been going so smoothly with us, and I think I'd feel more comfortable with Bebe. I know this must seem a bit of a shock to you, but, ah-

Ben

[laugh] No, I saw this coming. Yesterday, when you threw that little couch at me, I thought to myself, "This is not a happy client."

Frasier

Thanks for understanding.

Niles

[o.s] Taxi!

Bebe

[handing over paper and pen; almost affectionately] Sign right here, darling.

Frasier

You know, I'm holding you to that promise about changing. I won't stand for any more shady doings.

Bebe

[almost sincerely] Those days are all behind me.

Frasier

Once you've worked out this thing with the Hammer, maybe you can see what you can do about defusing this bird situation.

Ben

Oh, you don't have to worry about the crane anymore. The poor thing choked to death this morning. They have no idea who would feed a bird a jawbreaker. Bye, now.

Frasier

[hopefully and fearfully at once] Is there any chance it wasn't you?

Bebe

Oh, darling... [looks around, trying to come up with an answer he'll be satisfied with] There's always a chance.

Frasier

[ponders] I can live with that. [signs papers]