The Maris Counselor
Aired 3rd February 1998 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by Jeff Melman
Frasier
Morning, Roz.
Roz
Hey Frasier, your brother called. He said he'll be over at about seven o' clock tonight.
Frasier
Oh, thanks. So, you seem awfully calm today.
Roz
Well, why shouldn't I be?
Frasier
Well, during ratings week you're usually rather anxious.
Roz
[anxious] Oh my God! That starts today?!
Frasier
Oh, I never should have mentioned it.
Roz
Ten seconds. [starts quickly searching through her bag]
Frasier
Oh Roz, you do this every year, you convince yourself we'll have a disastrous week with no good callers, but our listeners always come through in the end, don't they?
Roz
[quickly] You're on!
Frasier
All right. [into microphone] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism which is credited to the great thinker Spinoza... Meanwhile, in Roz's booth, she is up to her elbows in madness.
Roz
Oh God! [takes first call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
Mary
[v.o.] Hi, I'm kind of... indecisive.
Roz
Well, I'm not! [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
Roger
[v.o.] I'm thinking of changing careers, I feel kinda trapped.
Roz
Well, it's not a very exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold, please. [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
Bill
[v.o.] It's sort of embarrassing.
Roz
Amen!
Bill
I was a bed-wetter as a child and I think the problem's coming back.
Roz
Great. Hold, please. [goes back to Roger] Hey, Career Change, I've got a bed-wetter holding. When you say "trapped," is it possible you feel you are a woman trapped inside a man's body?
Roger
I don't think so.
Roz
I don't think I can get you on today, then.
Roger
Gee, I really wanted to talk to him... I guess that could be part of it.
Roz
Good answer. Hold, please. [to Bill] Hey Bed-Wetter, I've got a transsexual in crisis, you gotta beat that. Have you ever wet a bed with anyone else in it? A hooker, a stripper, or maybe your best friend's wife?
Bill
No.
Roz
Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
Bill
OK. Er, I guess the third one.
Roz
Hold, please. [to Roger] Hey Transsexual.
Roger
Is that me?
Roz
Yeah. Have you ever run for political office, or considered running for political office?
Roger
What, you mean like congressman or something?
Roz
[takes that as an answer] Perfect!
Frasier
...don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism or I'll go the whole three hours! Well, I think it's time we went to the phones. Roz, whom do we have?
Roz
On line one we have a bed-wetting adulterer, unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two, who's a transsexual running for Congress.
Frasier
Go on then Roger, I'm listening.
Daphne
Would you just explain to me why you chickened out like that?
Martin
Well, she's younger than I am! She probably dates doctors and lawyers, she wouldn't be interested in me.
Frasier
Who wouldn't be interested?
Martin
Oh, geez.
Daphne
A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else from the building on a date.
Frasier
Ah, that would be Mrs. Crowley.
Martin
Oh, geez!
Daphne
And bailed out again!
Frasier
Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department lately. We're all a bit gun-shy.
Daphne
Ah yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky; you're all full of excuses. [phone rings] You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house.
Daphne
Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you! Yes he's here, hold on.
Martin
Hi. Really? No, I'm not busy, dinner sounds like fun.
Daphne
[to Frasier] A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.
Frasier
[sarcastic] Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?
Martin
[still on phone] Oh yeah, yeah, sure I'd love to. Thanks. And thanks for asking me. Bye. [puts phone down] She's invited me to her place tomorrow night. I guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off.
Daphne
Yes, you should really write a book; "How To Get A Date In Two Easy Years."
Frasier
Oh, hello Niles.
Niles
Frasier. Hey Dad, hey Daphne.
Martin
What you got there?
Niles
[holds up his papers] Oh, just some patient files. Frasier's helping me with my couples' group tomorrow night.
Daphne
You'r father's starting his own couples' group tomorrow night.
Niles
Ha! [realizes] Oh, Mrs. Crowley?
Martin
Oh, geez! [goes to his room]
Frasier
It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.
Niles
Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you. Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not the expressway, then at least the on-ramp. And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known...
Frasier
Oh that's very flattering, Niles...
Niles
Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor. And he is nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I-I don't know exactly what to call it.
Frasier
The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind.
Niles
Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too. He immediately pinpointed my primary failing.
Frasier
Which is?
Niles
Well... I'm too predictable.
Frasier
I don't know whether I'd count that as a failing, exactly.
Niles
Well, I do, and more importantly, so does Maris. But I'm going to do something about it. In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.
Frasier
In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop!
Niles
I'm sorry, you'll have to look over the files yourself. You see, every Friday evening Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens. Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat. Well tonight, she's going to find me, waiting in her bed, as randy as a...nother stoat.
Frasier
Gee Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea...
Niles
Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you, so please don't take offense when I point out that, with your track record in relationships, you're about the last person who should be giving advice.
Frasier
Fair enough!
Niles
Oh and do look over the files! Those couples really need our help.
Niles
[saucily] Hello, Maris!
Both
Maris? [noticing] AHHH!
Niles
Dr. Schenkman!
Schenkman
Niles!
Niles
Dr. Schenkman, what the hell's going on?!
Schenkman
Well, it's not what it looks like... what am I saying?
Niles
For God's sake!
Schenkman
Bear with me, I'm sorry. I'm, I'm feeling a little stressed.
Niles
[shouting] You're feeling stressed?!
Schenkman
Put yourself in my place.
Niles
I very nearly did! I'm stunned! How... how long has this been going on?
Schenkman
Two weeks. Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready.
Niles
That's despicable! It's unethical, it's... [notices his clothes] are those my pajamas?
Schenkman
Could be. They bind a little in the crotch. Listen, whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt.
Niles
Don't bet on it!
Schenkman
Ah good, that's good, vent that rage. You have every right to.
Niles
You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to be angry?!
Schenkman
Furious.
Niles
Ah-ah.
Schenkman
Livid.
Niles
Ah!
Schenkman
Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way.
Niles
Oh!
Schenkman
[holds up champagne glass] I don't suppose you'd care-
Niles
No! Do you realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient?
Schenkman
Yes, and I deserve to. But it was a risk worth taking, because of love. [lies on the couch, while Niles buries his face in his hand] Ah... oh! I love her, Niles. I've never known a woman so warm... so nurturing... so unselfish... Niles looks confused at this description.
Niles
Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity?
Schenkman
Thanks to our sessions, Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside.
Niles
Damn you, I trusted you! Because you were supposed to be helping us! And I liked you too, you bastard! You betrayed my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife!
Schenkman
Wow, there's a lot of new issues here, aren't there? Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week?
Frasier
You are twenty minutes late.
Niles
Sorry.
Frasier
[unsatisfied] "Sorry?" This is your group, I've been making small talk with these people for the last twenty minutes. Do you know what small talk is like with people who have a problem communicating? It's tiny talk!
Niles
Frasier, I just have a lot on my mind right now which I don't care to discuss, so let's just begin and you know what, maybe you should take the lead, OK?
Frasier
Very well.
Niles
Evening, all. Sorry I'm late, my fault.
Frasier
If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge. I feel that I do know a great deal about this group. I've spent a good deal of time poring over your case histories. So, let's begin. Mrs. Budinger, I see that you're here alone.
Janice
Yes.
Frasier
Is there some reason why Dan couldn't join you?
Janice
No, he's just stubborn sometimes. He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.
Niles
Yeah, well... maybe he's got good reason not to!
Frasier
Excuse me?
Janice
Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here. Sometimes we role-play, and I think he's just saying what my husband might say.
Frasier
Sounds promising, why don't we proceed, Janice? How would you respond to what your husband has just said?
Janice
Well, OK... you know, Dan, I don't think it's psychiatrists that you mistrust, I think that it's me. Why are you so suspicious lately?
Niles
Oh, I think you know very well.
Janice
What, a couple of harmless flirtations at parties? Everyone does that.
Niles
Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel?
Frasier
[to a confused couple] He's empathizing with the husband, we call this "empathizing."
Janice
Well, what about you? Are you going to tell me you've never even looked at anyone else?
Niles
[standing up] Don't you dare bring her into this! She is clean and pure and decent!
Frasier
Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license.
Niles
At least I've always been faithful to you!
Janice
[stands up] I've always been faithful to you!
Niles
I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world, but now, now... [cries] I don't see how I possibly can!
Frasier
Did I mention that my brother's one of the greatest empathizers in the business?
Niles
Now I just want to DIE!
Frasier
You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our fifteen minute break, why don't we? [the patients start to leave the room] We've had quite a catharsis here - now traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers. He ushers them out, but Janice hangs back.
Janice
Dan and I have never cheated on another! You've got to believe me!
Frasier
Well, I do, I do, Janice, and please remember, no-one is here to judge anyone else's behavior. [closes door and shouts at Niles] What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?!
Niles
Maris is having an affair with Schenkman!
Frasier
[stunned] Schenkman! Why, that contemptible bastard.
Niles
He was waiting at the house for her when I got there.
Frasier
I'm so sorry, Niles. Is there anything I can do?
Niles
I don't see how. They're in love, they plan to get married!
Frasier
He told you that?
Niles
Mmm-hmm. And she confirmed it when she walked in - once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.
Frasier
I'm just shocked. Things seemed to be going so well with the two of you.
Niles
That's what I thought. [thinks] You know, maybe Maris's feelings for Dr. Schenkman aren't real! Maybe this is simply a case of transference.
Frasier
Well, patients often do believe they've fallen in love with their analysts, it's very common, it's happened to everyone.
Niles
I know, it's happened to me!
Frasier
Oh, get out of town!
Niles
Several times. Well, I bet that's exactly what's going on here!
Frasier
[to himself] I've never had a patient fall in love with me.
Niles
Schenkman's an authority figure, Maris is easily influenced...
Frasier
Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge.
Niles
I'd be a fool to let her go if it's as simple as that!
Frasier
Now, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping at straws.
Niles
No, no, you're wrong. I owe it to my marriage to give this just one more shot.
Frasier
How?! What more could you possibly do?
Niles
I just need to talk to her alone. Try to make her realize what a mistake she's making.
Frasier
Niles, just bear one thing in mind...
Frasier
Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it!
Frasier
Well, then... shall we resume?
Frasier
No, don't worry, Daphne, that's all right, you have fun. I'll be fine. See you tomorrow, everything will be fine, OK. Oh, Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet! [laughs] Maybe I'll see him in the morning too. [she prolongs him] Alright... yes, it is a very romantic story. OK, Daphne... Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple. Anyway... Right, right, Daphne, yes I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't they?
Frasier
Oh well, there's the door. OK. [puts phone down]
Frasier
Niles? I thought you were talking with Maris.
Niles
It's over. Let her marry Schenkman, they deserve each other.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?
Niles
Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates, through windows, through key holes, and through transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.
Frasier
Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.
Niles
Well, I decided no more. I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris. I hope you have a happy life but I don't have to take anymore of your crap ever again!" And I turned on my heel and walked away.
Frasier
That's a courageous decision. How do you feel?
Niles
Not bad, surprisingly. I'm glad I went over, I needed the closure. Now that it's over I feel a little sad of course, but also strangely liberated.
Frasier
I'm very proud of you.
Frasier
Oh Dad, you're back. How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?
Martin
Oh great, fabulous. Right up until the time she introduced me to my date.
Frasier
I thought she was your date.
Martin
So did I. Turns out my date was her mother. Eighty-six years young. I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me.
Frasier
Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this; "how was mom?"
Martin
Well, she was very nice. Sleepy. [Frasier and Niles laugh] But she smiled a lot, showed me pictures of her great- grandchildren. She couldn't remember any of their names, but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine either. [laughs]
Frasier
Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.
Martin
Well, I could use a big something.
Frasier
It hasn't been a good day all around.
Niles
Yeah, dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good.
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry.
Niles
She-She's in love with someone else.
Martin
Oh, Niles. You all right?
Niles
Well, I will be.
Frasier
[hands drinks around] Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once.
Martin
Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately.
Frasier
[as his glass is refilled] Thank you, dad.
Martin
[fills Niles's, then his own] Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight...
Martin
I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.
Niles
I'll challenge you! Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
Martin
Geez, I didn't need to hear that!
Niles
No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.
Frasier
It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
Niles
The heat from her side of the bed!
Frasier
Well, I think we have a three-way tie. [lifts his glass] Here's to the Crane boys - love's big losers.
Niles
You know, I said I needed closure. But I won't have until I do one more thing. [takes off ring and heads to the balcony]
Frasier
Oh, now be careful, Niles. You know, from this height that could hurt somebody.
Niles
[looks out] All clear!
Niles
Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!
Martin
Uh Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
Martin
Whoa! [then] Oh well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.
Frasier
Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.
Martin
Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.
Niles
Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.
Frasier
[shouting] Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!
Martin
We're desperate!
Frasier
We're ludicrous!
Niles
We're pathetic!