The Ski Lodge
Aired 24th February 1998 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Oh well, good show today, Roz. I particularly thought that—
Roz
Oh my God, there's that Connie from Promotions. Every time she sees me, she hits me up for another charity.
Frasier
You know, Roz, maybe it's time you set some limits. Good lord, how hard can it be to say "no" just once? Oh well, look who I'm talking to.
Connie
Hi, Frasier. Roz, I was looking for you—
Roz
O.K. wait, Connie, before you say anything, there's something I need to get off my chest. I have bought Girl Scout cookies from you, I have paid for your kids' band uniforms, I've bought tickets to every raffle your church ever had, and I'm tapped out. So whatever it is you came to say to me, I'm not interested.
Connie
Well, I'll just go then. [turns to leave, then] Oh, by the way, my church had its raffle drawing yesterday. You won the grand prize. [drops an envelope on the console] Sorry to bother you.
Roz
[calling after her] Oh, Connie, Connie, I'm sorry, Connie, don't — oh, who cares, what'd I win?
Roz
Oh my God! It's that free ski weekend!
Frasier
Oh, Roz!
Roz
Listen to this: "Dear winner, you will enjoy a one-weekend rental of a deluxe private ski lodge on Mt. Baker, complete with lessons from a former Olympic champ!"
Frasier
That is a grand prize indeed! I must admit, I'm just a bit envious. Well, listen, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Roz
Well, thank you, Frasier.
Frasier
Just seems a pity you won't be able to take advantage of those ski lessons.
Roz
Well, there'll be other stuff to do.
Frasier
Oh, tons, tons! Just because you can't ski — or for that matter hike, sled, or snowboard — doesn't mean you can't still curl up in by a roaring fire with a nice warm snifter of... oh, sorry.
Roz
Well, the scenery will be nice.
Frasier
Breathtaking! I just hope you can endure the four-hour drive up there, and you so carsick these days...
Roz
OK, Frasier, I know what you're hinting at. This is the first thing I have ever won in my entire life, and it means something to me. So I'm not going to sell it, or give it away, or trade it for a...
Frasier
Big-screen TV?
Roz
Key's in the envelope.
Frasier
Thank you.
Daphne
What do you need that so loud for? I swear you've gone deaf as a post!
Martin
It's just a cold stopping up my ears, I'll be fine.
Niles
Dear God, man, whose lawyer are you, anyway? No, I will not calm down! [coming in] They call that a settlement? You call them and turn it down. [louder, over TV] I said, turn it down, you ninny!
Martin
Geez, you could at least ask nicely!
Niles
I've got to get a new divorce lawyer. Claude is clearly no match for Maris's team.
Daphne
Real sharks, are they?
Niles
When we were courting, I sent Maris a valentine that said, "You're the girl my heart adores, Everything I have is yours." Now they're calling it a pre-nup.
Daphne
That's terrible! [to Martin] Can you imagine using that as a weapon — an old valentine?
Martin
I'd love a cold Ballantine!
Daphne
That does it! You're getting a hearing aid, whether you like it or not!
Martin
I don't need a hearing aid! My hearing will be back to normal in no time.
Daphne
You said that two days ago. Soon you won't be able to hear a word I say.
Martin
Gee, wouldn't that be a tragedy?
Martin
[taking a shot] I heard that.
Daphne
I didn't say anything!
Frasier
Well, what are you all loitering around here for when you should all be packing?
Daphne
Packing for what?
Frasier
For the fabulous ski weekend I'm taking us on!
Niles
You're kidding! You won the raffle?
Frasier
In a manner of speaking. It's a gorgeous ski lodge, and an Olympic champion in residence to give us lessons!
Daphne
Oh, sounds like heaven! Skiing all weekend, then warming up with a nice hot rum drink, curled up under a blanket in front of a roaring fire...
Niles
I can feel the steam rising off my toddy already.
Daphne
Oh, damn! I can't go.
Niles
[alarmed] Why not?
Daphne
My friend Annie. It's her birthday this weekend, and I promised I'd spend it with her.
Niles
Well, bring her along.
Daphne
Well, I know she'd love it. She's very gung-ho for sports. She was captain of the girls' rugby team at school.
Frasier
Well, I'm not sure how many bedrooms there are.
Niles
Well, if we're short, she can have mine.
Daphne
Where will you sleep?
Niles
Well, I'll think of something.
Daphne
[to Frasier] Are you sure you wouldn't mind?
Frasier
Oh well, yes, why not? I mean, what could be more fun than a gung-ho girls' rugby captain?
Frasier
I will kill you for this!
Niles
I'm sorry, but it was the only way Daphne was going to come, and if you think I was going to let a moonlit ski lodge go to waste, you can think again.
Frasier
You filed for divorce a week ago. Can't you wait awhile?
Niles
Wait? I have waited five long years for this. Dad, don't you think it's about time?
Martin
[checking his watch] Uh, I got ten after five.
Frasier
Listen, Niles, if you want to make a fool of yourself with Daphne, that is your affair. But frankly, I will not have you ruin my ski weekend by inviting along this girl that sounds to me like an avalanche risk! I'm going to tell Daphne, no guests!
Daphne
I called Annie. She's all excited. Turns out she just bought new skis with the money she made off her new swimsuit calendar.
Frasier
Well, I hope you're happy. We're stuck with her now.
Niles
Wow, look at this place!
Martin
Wow, look at this place! Nothing like a change of scenery, huh? [looks around] Where do you suppose the TV is?
Niles
At this altitude, I'm surprised my ears haven't stopped up. How's it affecting your ears, Dad?
Niles
Dad?
Martin
What?
Niles
How are your ears?
Martin
[covering badly] Great! Never been better! No hearing aid for me!
Frasier
[calling back over his shoulder] No need to struggle with that, Annie. I'll be back to help you in a moment. Oh, this place is terrific!
Niles
Yes. I'm just glad we got here alive. The way you were taking those curves so sharply, poor Annie kept getting thrown up against you.
Frasier
[naughtily] Well, what can I say? I'm a bad driver.
Niles
I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad — what would the polite euphemism be — stupid?
Frasier
Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time!
Niles
Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion."
Frasier
Thank you.
Daphne
Goodness, this place is just lovely!
Frasier
Yes, isn't it, though? [motioning out the window] I mean, look at that vista, it's stunning! Puts one in mind of the Matterhorn, doesn't it?
Annie
Oh, I wouldn't know. I'm not very musical.
Martin
Oh, that's a relief! The way you were swerving on the ride up here, I was afraid these'd get broken. I'm gonna make us all a batch of my special hot buttered rum!
Frasier
You're actually going to put butter in the rum?
Martin
It's cold in the mountains, you need a little fat in your booze.
Frasier
Good thinking, Dad. After we're done, I'll whip us up a nice batch of pork-nog.
Annie
None for me, thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Niles
Daphne, let me help you with your luggage.
Daphne
Oh, thank you.
Niles
Uh, which room do you want?
Daphne
Oh... [points] That one upstairs on the left should have a nice view.
Niles
What a coincidence, that's right next to mine.
Annie
Oh, I'll take the one next to that.
Frasier
Allow me.
Annie
That Niles is quite a cutey. Now he's the one getting divorced?
Daphne
Yeah. Poor thing's been just miserable.
Annie
Well, I may just have to cheer him up.
Daphne
You just leave Dr. Crane alone. No offense, but I've seen the way you go through men. The last thing he needs is for someone else to break his heart.
Annie
But it's my birthday! And besides, you're not his nanny.
Daphne
Can't we just have a nice relaxing ski trip? Does this whole trip have to be about sex?
Guy
Allo.
Daphne
Hello.
Guy
I am Guy.
Daphne
Daphne.
Annie
Annie.
Guy
I hope you are ready to ski tomorrow. I'm going to work you very hard.
Daphne
Oh! [giggling]
Daphne
Dibs on the Frenchman.
Annie
You can have him.
Annie
He's not half as cute as Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Oh, enough already, my ears are burning!
Daphne
Everyone, did you meet Guy, our ski instructor?
Frasier
[shakes hands] Hello, Guy.
Guy
I will also be your chef tonight, Entrec�te a la Guy.
Niles
A ski champion and a gourmet — vous étés tr�s formidable.
Guy
Parlez-vous francais?
Niles
Oui, j'ai habité � six mois � Paris quand j'étais un étudiant.
Guy
You speak very well.
Annie
Oui!
Frasier
Oh, you speak French as well?
Annie
No, all I know how to say is "oui."
Frasier
[naughtily] Well, that should be enough to get you through the weekend.
Martin
Aw, look at that. Two deer in the snow, just kind of nuzzling each other.
Daphne
How romantic.
Frasier
Yes, it's enough to put ideas in one's head.
Annie
Isn't it?
Niles
Yes.
Daphne
I should say so.
Guy
Absolument.
Martin
Well, I guess I'd better start that rum cooking.
Daphne
Look at you — you're handy, a chef, a ski champ. Is there anything you don't do?
Guy
There are a few things.
Guy
Oh, Niles, you look tr�s élégant!
Niles
Yes, I simply had to change. After all that wine and good food, I felt I was going to burst out of my trousers.
Annie
Ooh, my!
Daphne
Annie.
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, what a smashing robe!
Frasier
Thank you.
Daphne
[to Annie] Doesn't he look handsome?
Annie
[uninterested] Oh, yeah, quite. Oh, look — I've finished my buttered rum.
Frasier
Never let it be said that Frasier Crane would permit a lady to go thirsty. Daphne, why don't you see if Dad's finished with that second batch?
Daphne
Two more.
Martin
Almost there. I just need to replace some of this rum that's boiled off.
Daphne
Oh, yeah, just what Annie needs. She's all over poor Dr. Crane as it is, and after I begged her to leave him alone. Why couldn't she be hot for Frasier?
Martin
What?
Daphne
Annie — hot for Frasier!
Martin
Oh.
Daphne
[looking out the door] I should just forget about those two and concentrate on Guy. Now he's the sort of tall drink of water I could really go for.
Martin
Here you go.
Frasier
Oh, well, thank you, Dad, but actually it's the rum I'm interested in. I think it's just the thing I need to clinch things with Annie.
Martin
Oh, Annie, huh? I know something about that — she's hot for you.
Frasier
Says who?
Martin
Daphne. She said, "Annie's hot for Frasier."
Frasier
I knew my charms would win her over! My God, I should register this dressing gown with the love police.
Annie
Oh, I know the pain you're going through. I mean, I've never been divorced myself, but my last boyfriend was... eventually. What you need is something to take your mind off it. [gets up and starts to sit down on his lap] I'll tell you what always works for me—
Daphne
[grabbing her] Time to go upstairs!
Annie
What for?
Daphne
I need to give you your birthday present. It's in my room.
Annie
[to Niles] I'll see you in a bit.
Guy
Allo.
Niles
Hi.
Guy
Your friend Daphne, she did not like the way Annie was flirting with you.
Niles
No, she didn't, did she?
Guy
In fact, she dragged Annie right off to her bedroom.
Niles
I think I know what that means.
Guy
I think we both know. Daphne was jealous.
Niles
[elated] She was jealous, wasn't she? I don't believe it!
Guy
I am surprised by nothing. You know, I think you did not like Annie's flirting either.
Niles
Oh, was it that obvious?
Guy
Annie is not your... cup of tea?
Niles
Well, [leans in; whispers confidentially] Just between us, my interests lie elsewhere this weekend.
Guy
[suavely] Really?
Frasier
Rum's ready!
Niles
Ah. Guy, perhaps you could help my dad with the drinks?
Guy
I am at your service.
Frasier
Thank you, Guy.
Niles
Daphne wants me!
Frasier
She told you that?
Niles
Well, no. But Annie was flirting with me, and Daphne dragged her off to her room in a jealous rage!
Frasier
No, no, no, Niles, Annie was not flirting with you. She's hot for me.
Niles
I think I know when I'm being flirted with.
Frasier
Oh, please, Niles, you're going beyond the limit that time. You're delusional! Next thing, you'll be telling me that Guy's after you!
Niles
All right, now you're dreaming things up...
Guy
How do you like your rum?
Martin
Well, it's kind of small, but it's got a nice view.
Guy
[holds up his mug] No, your rum.
Martin
[seeing] Oh, yeah, yeah. Could you speak up a little?
Guy
[speaking louder] I wonder if it's clouded my judgment about something. Your son Niles — is it my imagination, or is he attracted to—?
Martin
Hold it right there. It's not your imagination. He's got it bad.
Guy
Really?
Martin
Mmm.
Guy
This is not a delicate subject for you?
Martin
Oh, no, no. Niles has had those feelings for years. 'Course, I didn't encourage it during his so-called marriage, but now that he's free, whatever makes him happy — I say go for it!
Guy
You are a wonderful father.
Martin
O.K., everybody, come and get it!
Niles
Daphne, just in time.
Frasier
Annie, that's a lovely gown.
Annie
Daphne just gave it to me.
Guy
[knowingly] I'll bet she did.
Frasier
[sipping] Mmm, Dad, this batch is even stronger than the last one!
Martin
Yeah... first time I made this was for your mother. I'd been wanting to pop the question but I was afraid she'd say no. This gave me the nerve to ask her and I got myself a great big "yes"... and that wasn't the only "yes" I got from her that night either. [laughs] Still scares me to think how close I came to chickening out, though. You know, as you get older, it's not the failures you regret, or the times you made an ass of yourself. It's the times you never even tried, when you just lost your nerve.
Frasier
Wise words.
Niles
Hear, hear.
Frasier
Faint heart never won fair lady.
Annie
I certainly hope that if a man fancied me, he wouldn't be afraid to take a chance, go for a bold gesture.
Niles
Yes, we must never be too timid to pursue our heart's desire.
Guy
And not give a damn what the world thinks... right, Miss Moon?
Daphne
Indeed. [giggles into her mug]
Martin
Takes an hour to make one of these things, but it's worth it just to sit here and savor every sip.
Daphne
I'm done.
Niles
Time for bed.
Guy
I'm ready.
Annie
Me, too.
Frasier
'Night, Dad.
Martin
What? You're not going to bed already, are you? Oh, fine. Goodnight.
Guy
Enjoy your rum!
Martin
Well, I'd enjoy it more if it had a TV in it.
Niles
I thought Daphne's room was...
Frasier
They must have switched.
Annie
I took the wrong room.
Daphne
Yes, I thought we got that backwards.
Annie
Oh well, no harm done.
Frasier
[whispering] Annie?
Niles
[whispering] Daphne?
Frasier
Goodnight, Niles.
Niles
Goodnight.
Guy
Allo?
Daphne
Oh, hello.
Guy
[whispering] I know what you want. Don't be timid — go for it!
Niles
[whispering] Daphne!
Niles
[whispering] Hello? It's Niles!
Annie
[muffled] Wait just a minute.
Niles
I can't wait, if I don't say this now I may lose my nerve. I need you! I've wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on you!
Annie
Oh, I feel the exact same way!
Niles
Annie!
Annie
I see you're surprised. Well, I've tried to send you signals tonight, but as usual I was too damned subtle.
Annie
Just promise me you won't mention this to Daphne.
Niles
My lips are sealed.
Annie
Not for long, I hope.
Niles
Come in!
Niles
[saved] Guy!
Guy
Niles, I thought I heard your voice in here.
Annie
What do you want?
Guy
Niles, you told me you wanted to see that thing. You know, in my room?
Niles
Oh yes! Thank you for reminding me.
Annie
What thing?
Niles
Won't take long. I'll catch you later.
Niles
That was close! I owe you a big one!
Guy
Your room?
Niles
Oh, good point, Guy. She's bound to hear me in there.
Guy
We can go in my room.
Niles
It's much safer. No matter how hard I try, I'm bound to make noise.
Guy
Me too.
Niles
Daphne!
Daphne
Dr. Crane!
Guy
Miss Moon! Is your room not satisfactory?
Daphne
[mortified] Oh dear, I seem to have made a dreadful mistake.
Niles
What are you doing in Guy's room?
Daphne
[sees a way out] Oh, is this Guy's room then? [laughs nervously] I was looking for Annie's room.
Guy
Oh, now it makes sense.
Daphne
I'll just go!
Niles
Oh, wait for me. The hall is horribly dark, I'll show you the way.
Niles
My room should be safe now.
Guy
Very well, I'll see you later.
Niles
[not getting it] Excellent, yes.
Daphne
Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Oh... hello. What were the two of you doing in Guy's room?
Daphne
Just saying goodnight.
Niles
Now we're off to say goodnight to Annie.
Daphne
Goodnight to you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Oh, thank you. Uh, how long will you be with Annie?
Daphne
Just a minute or two. Is that champagne?
Frasier
Yes. I was just delivering it to... Dad. Well, carry on.
Niles
Before you see Annie, can you come to my room?
Daphne
What for?
Niles
There's something I need to tell you.
Niles
This may come as a surprise to you—
Daphne
Annie!
Annie
Daphne!
Daphne
Didn't I tell you to leave Dr. Crane alone?
Annie
And now I see why! You wanted him all to yourself!
Daphne
I do not want him all to myself!
Annie
Oh, I see! It's a threesome you're after! Well, I don't do those anymore.
Niles
There's obviously been some kind of misunderstanding here.
Annie
I don't see how. You barged into my room not five minutes ago and told me how much you wanted me.
Daphne
You did?
Niles
Well, technically, yes—
Annie
Then as soon as this one bats her eyes, it's shove off, Annie! [crying] This is the worst birthday I've ever had!
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm sorry. I've ruined everything for you.
Niles
No, you haven't. Those things I said to Annie, I can explain—
Daphne
No, no, no, it's none of my business. I've had enough embarrassment for one night!
Niles
But...
Daphne
Dr. Crane!
Frasier
Daphne!
Niles
Frasier! You snake!
Frasier
I'm sorry, wrong room!
Daphne
Just get out of here, right now!
Frasier
Next room I want, then?
Daphne
Just go!
Frasier
Yes, bye-bye, sorry again!
Guy
Bonsoir.
Frasier
Guy!
Guy
You are not the Crane I want!
Frasier
You're not even the sex I want!
Guy
Where is Niles?
Frasier
Oh, Niles? Company!
Niles
Oh my God! What are you doing in here with Guy?
Guy
Don't be jealous, Niles, it's not how it looks!
Niles
Oh. [turns to go back, then] WHAT?!
Frasier
You know, much as I'd love to stay and help you two sort this thing out, there happens to be a very beautiful woman on the other side of this door who wants me desperately!
Frasier
Annie!
Annie
[screaming] Aah! Go away! Get out!
Daphne
What's going on? [sees] Guy!
Annie
How dare you barge in on me when I'm naked!
Frasier
I'm sorry! My father told me you were hot for me!
Annie
Your father did?!
Frasier
Blame Daphne, she's the one who told him!
Daphne
I did not! I said she wanted your brother!
Guy
Could Niles and I please have some privacy?
Annie
[to Niles] You're just putting the moves on everyone, aren't you?
Niles
Would you kindly get out of my bed? I am not gay, Guy.
Guy
Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians!
Daphne
Lesbians?!
Guy
Your father himself told me you wanted me!
Niles
My father said I wanted you?!
Martin
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hold it down, there are people here trying to sleep! [realizes] Oh, my ears must have popped. I can hear again!
Martin
Well, goodnight all.
Niles
All right. We could discuss this till we've figured out every detail of what went on here tonight, but if you ask me, breakfast will be embarrassing enough as it is. I suggest we all forget this ever happened, and just go to bed.
Frasier
Oh, wait, wait, wait! Wait, everybody! [everyone stops and looks at him] Let me see if I've got this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me?
Frasier
[sighs] See you at breakfast.