Room Service

Frasier

Good afternoon, Betsy. I'm listening.

Betsy

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. My problem is that my husband wants to take me on a cruise for our anniversary.

Frasier

Well, that sounds enchanting.

Betsy

Yes, except I keep having this dream where I'm in a cabin asleep, and I see a drop of water beginning to leak up and at first it's just a trickle, but then it's a stream, and then it's gushing, pouring water everywhere and there's nothing in the world that I can do to stop this.

Frasier

That's a very powerful image, wouldn't you say so, Roz? [sees she has gone] Roz agrees.

Lilith

Excuse me, I'm looking for Frasier Crane, they said he was up here.

Roz

Lilith it's me, Roz... Doyle.

Lilith

[recognizing] Oh yes, Frasier's fun-loving producer.. [sees Roz's pregnant lump] ...who's apparently having a bit too much fun loving.

Roz

You know, I'd love to send one back at you, but I gotta pee!

Frasier

[on air] Well that's all the time we have today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a good day and good mental... [sees Lilith] AHHH! [explains] I'm sorry, someone just walked into the room and frightened me. It's, uh, my ex-wife, so if you're a regular listener you'll know what I'm talking about! I'll see you Monday.

Frasier

Oh, hello Lilith.

Lilith

Surprise.

Frasier

Yeah well, we're past that now, aren't we? Well, what brings you to Seattle?

Lilith

I'm here for the national conference on self-psychology.

Frasier

Oh! And how is Frederick?

Lilith

Fine. We have an amazing child.

Frasier

Yes, we have. And, uh, Brian?

Lilith

Fine. I have an amazing husband.

Frasier

Yes, yes. So, did you two get that gift basket I sent you for the holidays?

Roz

What did you do to her?

Frasier

Nothing, I sent her a gift basket, fruits and festive nuts!

Lilith

Oh, it's not the basket, you nit! It's Brian... he left me.

Roz

Maybe I should go.

Lilith

Oh no, everyone else knows, you might as well know it too. Brian was looking for someone a bit more feminine... and he found him!

Lilith

Oh, Stan Jablonski, that little hussy! [Roz leaves]

Frasier

Oh, [takes her in his arms] Lilith, oh, I am genuinely sorry.

Lilith

I didn't know where to turn, but I knew somehow you'd be here for me.

Frasier

So you didn't come for the conference?

Lilith

No.

Frasier

You know, you really shouldn't be alone tonight. Er, Niles and I are atending a reception at the Union Club, would you like to join us?

Lilith

Oh thank you Frasier, I'd love to. I don't if I deserve your compassion, but I feel better already just holding your strong comforting hands.

Frasier

You know I'll always be here for you.

Lilith

Oh, I could stay in these arms all day.

Frasier

Ah, [looks at watch] yes - well, em, you'll have to excuse me. I have an appointment, station manager, very important, can't be broken. I'll, em, see you tonight. [delirious] Bye bye.

Roz

Hey, that's rough; leaving you for another man! Did you have any idea?

Lilith

No, none at all. Stan was a contractor we had hired to extend our master bedroom. It's ironic, isn't it - no sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Ah, Frasier.

Frasier

[sees what he's eating] Mmm, that bun looks good.

Niles

Now, now, remember your diet.

Frasier

[sits] Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back!

Niles

Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.

Frasier

Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man.

Niles

Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!

Frasier

Poor thing, she's obviously devastated - her entire world has been turned upside down. Oh, look who I'm talking to. No one knows better than you how much a messy divorce can leave one...

Frasier

...strangely relaxed! Niles? [taps him] Niles!

Niles

[as if nothing had happened] Yes?

Frasier

Am I boring you?

Niles

Did I do it again? I'm sorry Frasier, it seems I'm suffering through a bout of narcolepsy.

Frasier

Good lord! When did this start?

Niles

Right after we started divorce proceedings. I checked with my doctor, I'm fine - it's a reaction to stress. It's my way of escaping the whole ugly mess! But I'm terribly sorry, go on with what you were saying.

Frasier

Well, obviously Lilith is distraught and she's come to me to help her make sense of the whole thing. I find it just a bit disconcerting.

Niles

How so?

Frasier

Well, we have a destructive pattern: whenever she comes to me in need I find her vulnerability highly desirable, against my better judgment we end up in bed and I'm left with feelings of regret.

Niles

And you felt this way about her today?

Frasier

Oh baby!

Niles

Well, do your best to avoid her.

Frasier

Well, I can't! She's joining us at the Union Club tonight.

Niles

What, she's going to be there?!

Frasier

Come on Niles, it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts talking about their portfolios and prostates.

Niles

Exactly, and you've ruined it!

Niles

[to phone] Yes? [to Frasier] Damn, it's one of Maris's cadre of lawyers. [to phone] Er, we've been over that. No, I can't. How dare you? She already has the house! I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond! Uh-huh. Uh-huh...

Niles

...I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond!

Frasier

Give me that! [takes phone from Niles and speaks into it] He will call you back. [hangs up] Lord, aren't we a pair: a narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive. We're like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play!

Martin

Hey Daph', come down here, I taught him a new trick.

Daphne

Oh, I love animal tricks. You know, I was reading in a movie magazine where there's this stunt dog who they taught to ride a motorcycle into a burning building, pick up a baby in its teeth, then jump out the window to safety. What did you teach Eddie?

Martin

[mock proud] To roll over.

Daphne

You must be very proud.

Martin

Ah, forget it, Eddie!

Martin

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Evening, dad, Daphne.

Frasier

[enters from kitchen] Hello, Niles. Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives.

Martin

[scared] What?! You never said she was coming up here!

Daphne

You just said you were going to dinner!

Martin

You never said she was coming up here!

Frasier

It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes.

Martin

But you never told me! You've been home an hour and you never told me, not a word, [to Daphne] did he say anything to you?

Daphne

No, nothing. [to Frasier] You could have told us, you know, we could have made plans to be elsewhere.

Martin

[to Daphne] How come you didn't know about it? You used to know these things, whenever she came around you'd get a headache!

Frasier

Alright, she's coming! Both of you suck it up! Lilith has had a devastating week; her husband has left her. The least you could do is show a little compassion, unless you'd like to hide in your rooms because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask!

Martin

Outta my way!

Daphne

Me too!

Martin

Leave it!

Niles

Remember Frasier, I'm here for you in case you feel yourself starting to weaken.

Frasier

Oh I'm fine, believe me: I'm in complete control!

Frasier

Oh baby!

Lilith

Thank you Frasier, I needed that. I treated myself to a little shopping this afternoon. Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken recently - it's pretty transparent, huh?

Frasier

[with his mind elsewhere] No, but if you stand in the light maybe...

Niles

Frasier!

Lilith

[sees Niles] Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.

Niles

Ditto.

Frasier

Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, let me take your wrap.

Frasier

Yowsa! Oh Lilith, that dress is stunning.

Niles

Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?

Frasier

No!

Lilith

It's from a new Couture line called "Encore!"

Frasier

Well... bravo! I can almost feel the curtain rising!

Niles

Frasier! Excuse us, we'll be right back. Eddie will entertain you.

Lilith

Hello, Eddie.

Frasier

Damn her lily-white hide! She knows what she's doing dressing like that! That woman plays me like a lute — well, I guess you know a thing or two about that! Huh! I've got all the resistance of a horny stag! Niles, you've gotta help me get through this... Niles!

Niles

Did I do it again?

Frasier

Yes, you fell asleep with your cheek right next to the ice tray!

Niles

Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris!

Frasier

Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith!

Niles

Alright, alright, let me think, let me think... I think I have the answer. When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image so repellant you will be incapable of any sexual desire. [thinks, then] Remember the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm and found that dead horse lying in the hot sun crawling with maggots?

Frasier

Yes, of course.

Niles

Hold onto that picture. You can ride that horse to safety.

Frasier

Thank you, Niles, that just might do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse! [guns down his drink]

Niles

Feel up to facing her again?

Frasier

Yes! Let her bat her eyes all she wants to, she can push her breasts up to Canada, I won't budge!

Lilith

Morning.

Niles

Morning.

Lilith

My God! What did we do? What did we do?

Niles

Well, first you put your...

Lilith

I know what we did! What do we do now?!

Niles

Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every day... [losing it] every day in Arkansas!

Niles

Frasier is going to kill us! Oh, why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

Lilith

Why did you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

Niles

Oh, there's no point pointing fingers. We both know why this happened; last night was simply two wounded people overcome with loneliness, confusion and...

Lilith

Tequila shooters.

Niles

[moaning] Mmm-hmm.

Niles

[whispering] Who's that?!

Lilith

Don't panic, no one knows we're here.

Niles

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

Lilith

[panicked, whispering] Why did you do a stupid thing like that?!

Niles

Well, it wasn't stupid at the time! How did I know the minute we got in this room you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse!

Lilith

Just be quiet. [clears throat] Who is it?

Waiter

[o.s.] Room Service, ma'am.

Lilith

Ah that's right, we ordered breakfast last night.

Waiter

Good morning ma'am, good morning sir. I have Eggs Benedict and Eggs Florentine.

Lilith

Did you bring ketchup?

Waiter

Uh, no. Sorry, let me get that for you right now.

Niles

[confused] Ketchup on Eggs Florentine?

Waiter

[charmed] Oh! Your, uh, first breakfast together?

Lilith

[mad] Just get it!

Niles

Now I remember ordering this, it's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.

Lilith

Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.

Niles

I only have it once a year.

Lilith

That was quick. [goes to answer it]

Frasier

[o.s.] Lilith, are you awake?

Lilith

It's Frasier!

Niles

Oh my God! What do we do?

Lilith

Hide in the bathroom!

Niles

Right!

Niles

No, not you!

Frasier

Lilith?

Lilith

Wait, take the cart with you! [pushes it into bathroom with Niles]

Niles

[stops it] Wait! Food in the bathroom?

Lilith

Oh, just go!

Lilith

Hello, Frasier. What are you doing here?

Frasier

Surrendering, Lilith. I'm yours! [grabs her]

Lilith

Oh - no...

Frasier

Oh please, don't punish me for playing hard to get last night! It took everything I had to resist you.

Lilith

Oh, this isn't right...

Frasier

Oh, who cares?! [embraces her] You're gonna tell me that when you were lying in your bed last night you weren't thinking about me?

Lilith

[honestly] Yes!

Frasier

Oh, drop the mask, Lilith! We both know why you came to Seattle. We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.

Lilith

Oh, well...

Frasier

There's someone in your bathroom?

Lilith

No, it's a defective toilet. It's been doing that all night, I think I'll just go check it now.

Lilith

[whispering] Niles!

Niles

[as if nothing happened] Yes?

Lilith

You fell asleep and flushed the toilet!

Niles

Damn! Is he still here?

Lilith

Yes. He wants to make love to me.

Niles

Does the man have no scruples?! He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here - and yes, I'm aware of the irony.

Lilith

I'll just ask him to leave.

Lilith

My God!

Frasier

[saucily] My Goddess!

Lilith

[to waiter] Go away!

Waiter

[o.s.] But I've got your ketchup, ma'am.

Lilith

Not necessary.

Waiter

OK, but I still need the bill.

Lilith

Later.

Frasier

Well, let's just take care of this...

Waiter

I'm sorry to disturb you, but here's the... [realizes it's a different man] ketchup. [hands it over] Sorry it took so... long. I, er, still need the bill. [looks around room] Where's the cart?

Lilith

In the bathroom.

Frasier

Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?

Lilith

Ah, I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.

Frasier

Still, food in the bathroom?

Lilith

Be right back.

Frasier

[to waiter] Well, this is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife, we're sort of reconnecting.

Waiter

[knowing better] Yes sir, that's ...er... wonderful.

Frasier

You never know, it might just work out this time.

Waiter

[sarcastically] Oh...kay.

Lilith

[enters with money] There you go, [bribing] There's a generous, generous tip in there for you.

Waiter

[understanding] Thank you, ma'am.

Frasier

Say, listen - while you're still here, why don't you send up an order of Eggs Benedict? There's no reason why she should eat alone.

Waiter

[looks at Lilith] Oh...kay.

Frasier

Now, where were we?

Lilith

Oh, this isn't a good time for this, really.

Frasier

Why not? Lilith, please, we're alone, we're here, you need your Frasier-

Frasier

What the hell was that?! [goes to the bathroom door]

Lilith

No, Frasier, wait, don't go in there! Wait!

Frasier

Niles!!

Niles

[as if nothing had happened] Yes? [shocked to see Frasier]

Frasier

My God!

Lilith

Frasier, I'm sorry, we didn't mean for this to happen...

Frasier

OH MY GOD!

Niles

It was a mistake, a horrible, misguided mistake-

Frasier

[half mad] Stop it, Niles! Stop it! Don't tell me how or why, I've just got to get out of here!

Lilith

Oh, Frasier, Frasier!

Niles

This is my worst nightmare.

Lilith

You have egg on your face.

Niles

That is an understatement!

Lilith

No, actual egg!

Lilith

It's in your hair too!

Niles

I knew you couldn't stay mad at us.

Frasier

I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass!

Lilith

I can understand your shock, and believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night, I would. But, if you could just look at this rationally, just for a moment - we didn't technically do anything wrong.

Frasier

[outraged] What? You didn't do anything wrong?!

Niles

I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it!

Lilith

You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won't say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.

Frasier

You're actually defending what you did?!

Lilith

Just listen; the past few days have been THE worst of my life. I have never been less self-assured, or more in need of validation, both as a person and especially as a woman. Niles was feeling the same thing.

Niles

Exactly. [realizes the woman part] Wait a minute...

Lilith

Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.

Frasier

Well... that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I too happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually transpired. This was a passive-aggressive manifestation of your deep resentments towards me. Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety. [to Lilith] You, for my successful adjustment after our divorce. It is this shared bond that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge!

Lilith

Allow me to rebut: what a crock!

Frasier

It is not!

Lilith

It is so! This is yet another example of your complete self- absorption, which is the reason we could not stay together in the first place!

Frasier

I have a right to... [realizes] Why am I defending myself?!

Niles

If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people, ruled by very powerful superegos - tortured by them, who found a chance - however misguided - to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softie, but that's how I see it.

Frasier

OK, then... the three of us have certainly analyzed the CRAP out of this!

Niles

Yes, where do we all go from here?

Frasier

I don't know.

Lilith

You realize that if you had simply given into me last night instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in this hell.

Frasier

No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell!

Niles

[to phone] Well, I don't give a damn! I've been manipulated by you jackals enough, I'll see you in court! [puts phone away] The very idea that Maris still thinks she can... [still alert] Hey, I'm not sleepy. That conversation should have put me out like a light!

Lilith

Well, it's not surprising. Your experience with Maris has been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way towards restoring your self-confidence.

Niles

Of course! And by the same token you can now give up the neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you are unattractive. You have ample evidence to the contrary.

Lilith

Yes, I have! [smugly] Well, to hell with Brian! If he wants a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan!

Frasier

So, [sarcastically] isn't this peachy! Everything's turned out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your problems, the waiter received a handsome tip, Niles and I have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even nine- thirty yet! [points to watch]

Lilith

Frasier, try to understand...

Niles

Yes, what happened last night was just...

Frasier

Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. [bitter chuckle] I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya!

Lilith

You know, Frasier...

Frasier

Enough, Lilith.

Lilith

Alright. Maybe, I'll just go... have some breakfast. [she exits to bathroom]

Niles

Are we OK?

Frasier

No, we're not... but we will be.

Niles

Well, that's enough for now. [waits, and then perkily] We're an odd little family, aren't we?

Waiter

Here's your Eggs Benedict, if you could just...

Waiter

Oh...kay!