Beware Of Greeks
Aired 17th March 1998 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by Jeff Melman
Frasier
Well, that's all the time we have for this afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good afternoon, and good mental health.
Roz
Frasier, if I ask your opinion about something, will you give me an honest answer and not just tell me what you think I want to hear?
Frasier
Absolutely, Roz. Anytime, all you have to do is ask.
Roz
Oh, I knew it.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, Roz, I'm just kidding. I love it!
Roz
Really?
Frasier
Yes, it looks great.
Roz
Are you sure?
Frasier
Trust me.
Roz
OK. It's just in my condition I'm just a little insecure. You know, every time I see something cute in the window, I remember how I look and I think, "no way."
Roz
Here we go again.
Frasier
Gosh, that's my cousin! Nikos! What are you doing here?
Nikos
[coming through the door] I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by!
Frasier
Oh, it's great to see you! My God, it's been ages. Oh yes, I'd like you to meet my producer, Roz Doyle.
Roz
[shaking hands] Hi.
Frasier
This is Nikos, my father's brother's son.
Roz
Well, I would have never pegged you for a Crane.
Frasier
Oh, well, he's half Greek. He gets his looks from his mom.
Roz
I'll bet he gets looks from lots of women.
Frasier
Roz!
Nikos
It's nice to meet you.
Roz
Yeah, you too. You know, I never knew Frasier had a cousin.
Nikos
I think he's ashamed of me. Why else would he turn down an invitation to my wedding?
Frasier
You're getting married?
Nikos
Yeah, on Saturday. Don't tell me you didn't get the invitation.
Frasier
Well, no, it's the first I'm hearing of it!
Nikos
I knew it. I knew Mom wasn't telling the truth. She said she never heard back from you.
Frasier
She must still be nursing that grudge.
Roz
Uh-oh, this sounds like, you know, personal, private, family stuff. [sits in Frasier's chair and puts her feet up] So, what's this grudge you're talking about?
Nikos
Oh, it's all so silly. Mom has never forgiven Frasier for some career advice he gave me. And, trust me, he saved me from going down the wrong path.
Frasier
Well, thank you, Nikos. Well, I'd certainly hate to miss this wedding. I wonder if there's some way we could work this out. You want to go grab a cup of coffee?
Nikos
Sure.
Frasier
Great!
Roz
So, what was the wrong path?
Frasier
Oh, Roz, it's rather a long story—
Nikos
My folks wanted me to go to medical school.
Roz
Ah, so what path did you choose instead?
Frasier
We don't really have the time to into all that right now—
Nikos
I became a juggler. I perform on street corners.
Roz
Ah, I see. And all because of his advice. Tell me, do people sometimes toss you coins?
Nikos
Sure, lots of times.
Roz
[handing him her hat] Well, here's something you can catch them in.
Martin
You and your damned advice!
Daphne
Mr. Crane, Dr. Rudnik asked me to monitor your blood pressure, and I'd like to get an accurate reading.
Frasier
Stop pointing fingers. Why don't we try to solve this problem?
Martin
I don't see how! She's a vindictive woman, and she's gonna keep on punishing us because of you! If you kept your big trap shut for just once in your life, my nephew would probably be a surgeon now, and I'd be going to his wedding!
Daphne
There, now — 240 over 11. Sounds about right!
Niles
Personally, I'd have loved to have gone, but this is clearly a snub and we Crane men have our pride. Right, Dad?
Frasier
Oh, stop it, Niles! You're just afraid of seeing Cousin Yvonne, aren't you?
Daphne
Who's Cousin Yvonne?
Frasier
Oh, a distant cousin who has a slight crush on Niles.
Niles
"A slight crush?" There are cannibals who are less man- hungry.
Daphne
That's funny, I've always thought it would be kind of romantic to have a secret admirer, someone who longed for me that much. But I do see your point, Dr. Crane. When you think about it, it is kind of sick.
Niles
Yeah, well, perhaps "sick" is a tad judgmental.
Martin
I can't believe that because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!
Frasier
Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!
Niles
It's a moot point. We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
Martin
Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?
Frasier
No, but I'd like to give it a try. Dad, I think that we should go to this wedding.
Martin
Forget it, Zora doesn't want us there.
Frasier
But Nikos wants us there! My God, I watched that boy grow up! I want to be there when he gets married!
Daphne
I'd like to venture an opinion here. I know this doesn't exactly concern me, but I feel very strongly about this. I like zither music, and I always have!
Frasier
And we're back! Listen, Dad—
Martin
No, drop it, Frasier. If my brother's wife doesn't see fit to invite me, I am not just going to show up.
Niles
End of story, case closed, that's all she wrote!
Frasier
Oh, stop it, Niles. There are more important issues at stake here than you being mauled by Yvonne the Terrible! Dad is hurt, can't you see that? He misses his brother. Well, it's my fault, and I'm going to put it right. [picks up the phone and dials] I'm going to get in touch with Aunt Zora. Surely she'll listen to reason. [into phone] Aunt Zora? [she hangs up] Well, that's encouraging. She remembered my voice.
Niles
Frasier, just give up.
Frasier
No! She can't avoid me if I go down and meet her face-to- face. [gets his coat] I'm going to go to that restaurant.
Niles
Do you have a death wish? She'll eat you alive!
Frasier
Oh, I'm not afraid of her!
Niles
Everyone is! Have you forgotten the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?
Frasier
I have never believed that. She would have to have been five years old at the time!
Niles
Well, that's why the legend says they were strangled with jump ropes.
Frasier
Stop it!
Zora
Dmitri, pick up your order, don't make me hurt you again!
Frasier
Aunt Zora, I realize I'm not the most welcome person here, but—
Frasier
It is not fair to take my mistake out on your husband, or my father!
Frasier
They didn't do anything!
Zora
[tasting a dish] More pepper!
Frasier
You have a wedding coming up, you should be joyous!
Zora
Sponge off this countertop!
Frasier
Nikos tells me his fiancée's a lovely young woman from a wealthy family, that you like her very much!
Zora
Mop up this slop!
Frasier
So your heart should be brimming with motherly emotions!
Zora
[picks up a bent skewer] When I find out who bent this skewer, I'm ramming it right in his eye!
Frasier
[trying to lighten the moment] You know, I've always wanted to do this: make a trip around the Greek Islands!
Frasier
Aunt Zora, my point is that we are family, and we should be together. And I promise that if you invite us to this wedding, I will never give Nikos another piece of advice for as long as I live.
Frasier
I'm through meddling, you have my word. And if you do invite us to the wedding, I also promise that I'll promote this wonderful, wonderful restaurant of yours on my radio program.
Frasier
Every day for a... month?
Zora
[joyous] Frasier! [throws her arms around him]
Frasier
You forgive me!
Zora
Of course, of course! And you don't just come to the wedding! You come to the rehearsal dinner too! Tomorrow night, right here, because we are family! Here, eat!
Zora
My very special kokaretski, for a very special nephew! Oh God, I'm such a softie! I'll be crying in a minute!
Frasier
[mouth still full] Me, too!
Niles
Well, I hope you enjoy yourself, Mr. Blessed-Are-the- Peacemakers!
Frasier
Will you stop complaining? The rehearsal went beautifully. Cousin Yvonne didn't even get near you.
Niles
How could she? I spent half the time hiding in the confessional! By the way, Mrs. Pappas is having an affair.
Zora
There they are, my two favorite nephews! [hugs them] Ed, get me with the boys! [poses with them] You know, I am so glad you are coming to the wedding tomorrow. There is nothing sadder than a divided family, am I right?
Frasier
Quite right.
Niles
Absolutely, absolutely. When Frasier told me we weren't invited to the wedding, I—
Yvonne
There you are, Niles!
Niles
Just kill me now.
Niles
Hello, Yvonne.
Yvonne
I haven't seen you two in a long time!
Niles
[eyes on her bosom] Oh well, I haven't seen your two in a long time — "you, too," "you, too!"
Yvonne
Oh, well, we've got a lot of catching up to do. Let's go get us a glass of bubbly!
Niles
Oh, you know, I don't think so—
Zora
Oh, go on, enjoy! it's none of that sissy French wine, it's real Greek champagne!
Frasier
Ooh, save some for me Niles!
Zora
And here he is, my favorite brother-in-law! Martin, it's been too long!
Martin
It sure has. Say, where's Walt? We got a lot of catching up to do.
Zora
Oh, don't worry, he'll be here. [noticing Daphne] Who is this pretty young thing?
Martin
Oh, this is Daphne Moon. She's my physical therapist.
Zora
Oh. That's what they call it these days? [slaps him playfully] You dirty old man!
Nikos
This is my fiancée, Mary-Ann Taubeneck.
Frasier
Mary-Ann, it's a pleasure. Taubeneck? As in the Taubeneck Building?
Mary-Ann
Yeah, and Taubeneck Park, etc., etc. That was my grandfather, the original robber baron.
Nikos
Mary-Ann has some issues with her family.
Mary-Ann
Look at them sulking over there. You should have seen their faces when I told them I was marrying a street person.
Nikos
Performer. Street performer.
Mary-Ann
Oh, right. Anyway, they've got it coming after all the debutante nonsense they put me through. [waves to someone] Would you excuse me?
Nikos
Great, isn't she?
Frasier
Yes. How did you meet?
Nikos
A few months back, I performed at one of her parents' garden parties. They were really snooty to me. That seemed to spark something in her. She asked me for a date right in front of them. That's how she is. She likes to play with her parents' heads.
Frasier
Yes, well, so did Lizzie Borden.
Nikos
What do you mean?
Frasier
Oh, I can't help thinking that... nothing. Just a bad joke. She seems like a lovely girl.
Nikos
Yeah, she really is. My family adores her. You should hear my mom, she thinks Crystal's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Frasier
Crystal?
Nikos
Did I say that? I mean Mary-Ann. I must have been admiring the beautiful crystal over there, that's why I called her crystal.
Frasier
Yes, it's a good thing you weren't admiring the pork-butt!
Nikos
I'm so nervous these days, I don't know what I'm saying. I guess it's just a case of pre-wedding jitters, right?
Zora
Nikos, Nikos, go check on the sous-chef, make sure he isn't into the ouzo!
Zora
Last time, he drank until he got his head caught in the duck press.
Frasier
Oh, really? How did he manage that?
Zora
[friendly menace] With my help. So, what were you and Nikos talking about?
Frasier
Oh, now, now, now, Aunt Zora, don't you worry. I made you a promise, and I'd die before I'd break it.
Zora
Or soon after. So, you met Mary-Ann?
Frasier
Yes, yes, lovely girl. You must be very proud.
Zora
Oh, and relieved! Do you know that crazy son of mine was going steady with a juggler for three years? Crystal- somebody. [Frasier's ears prick up] Can you imagine having a daughter-in-law who throws things for a living? It's embarrassing.
Zora
DANCE, people! Let us celebrate tonight!
Martin
Hey, Frasier, thanks for settling everything with Zora.
Frasier
Oh, it's my pleasure, Dad.
Martin
But, you know, I can't find Walt. I've been waiting five years for this reunion.
Frasier
Must be here somewhere. Now, did you know that Nikos and Mary-Ann have only known each other for—
Martin
Oh, there he is!
Frasier
Well, this is so exciting! You two must have so much to talk about! Uncle Walt, hello!
Walt
Frasier! Marty...
Martin
Walt...
Walt
What's new?
Martin
Oh, same-old, same-old. How's tricks?
Walt
Eh, can't complain. They keeping you busy?
Martin
Oh, better believe it.
Walt
Well, what're you gonna do?
Martin
Tell me about it.
Frasier
It's amazing how you two can pick up right where you left off.
Niles
Psst! Put those back!
Frasier
[noticing him] Niles! Do you realize how pathetic this is?
Niles
I don't care! At dinner, Zora announced that I'd filed for divorce! Within seconds, Yvonne began purring so loudly my allergies kicked in! I won't be safe until this wedding is over!
Frasier
The wedding I'm beginning to think might just be a serious mistake.
Niles
Ooh, I like the sound of that. Does this mean you're going to meddle and get us both thrown out?
Frasier
I can't! I promised I wouldn't!
Niles
Oh, dear God, here she comes again!
Yvonne
Hi, Frasier, have you seen Niles?
Frasier
Why, no, I haven't.
Yvonne
Oh! [goes off again]
Martin
Here we go.
Daphne
How much longer do we have stay?
Martin
What are you in such a snit about?
Daphne
This lot. Thanks to your sister-in-law they're all sniggering about me being your "physical therapist."
Martin
Oh, don't let it bother you. She's always been a pain.
Daphne
You're telling me. Dried-up old grape leaf!
Martin
Yeah, and she's one to talk about reputations, too! Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich!
Daphne
[laughs] Does everyone know that?
Martin
Well, everybody except my brother. I mean, I love him dearly, but he's not exactly the brightest bulb in the, uh...
Daphne
Bulb box?
Martin
Yeah. Shh, here's Eddie! [Ed comes over] Hey, Eddie! Where's the camera?
Ed
Aha, then it worked. It's right here.
Ed
I decided to go undercover. I wanted to get people just being themselves.
Martin
Oh well, we were really boring, believe me! Why don't you just rewind it a few minutes and tape over it?
Ed
Funny. Mrs. Pappas said the same thing.
Frasier
So, why did you and this Crystal break up? I mean, I'm not meddling, I'm just curious, that's all.
Nikos
It was a career conflict. She's a juggler, too. You may have heard of her — Crystal Baker?
Frasier
No. I, uh, don't get to street theatre as often as I should.
Nikos
Fabulous performer. Fabulous girl, for that matter. But, she wanted to work in Paris and I wanted to stay here.
Frasier
Yes, well, there's always pressure on the two-career family.
Nikos
We had a big fight about it. Then Mary-Ann came along. By the time Crystal got back, I was engaged.
Frasier
And how did she take the news?
Nikos
She was crushed. But she's been wonderful, like she called me a few nights ago to congratulate me. We talked for hours, just like old times. She's a sweetheart.
Frasier
Yes, she's starting to sound like one.
Nikos
Yeah, it was really great talking with her. I felt happy... purely happy. Maybe the last time I did. I mean, since then it's been all the usual pre-wedding stuff. You know, the jitters, night-sweats, vomiting.
Frasier
Nikos, I promised your mother that I would never again interfere in your life—
Nikos
Interfere? You saved me from making a terrible mistake! I-I value your advice above anything.
Frasier
All right, then. In the interests of your future happiness, I feel it's my duty to let you know—
Zora
Nikos, please go make your Uncle Stavros to stop dancing on the table.
Zora
Just once it would be nice to have a family gathering where no one leaves in an ambulance, am I right?
Frasier
Yes, wouldn't it?
Martin
Hey, Eddie, come on, you've been working ever since I've been here! You haven't even had a chance to chow down!
Ed
Well, I wouldn't mind grabbing a bite.
Martin
Well, hand me that thing, then. I know how to run that baby.
Ed
[hands the camera over] Be careful, that tape is historic!
Martin
Oh.
Ed
I have interviewed every single living member of the family. I even went out to the retirement home and taped Nikos's great-grandmother — 101 years old.
Martin
That's amazing. [Ed leaves] Wow, 101. Gosh, that's older than the century. She probably has got more stories than anybody else has... I can't do this.
Daphne
Think you have to press this button right here.
Martin
Oh, thanks.
Martin
Bye!
Zora
OK, everybody, gather round, we're going to have some toasts here! So, if everybody will stop what they're doing for just one minute and come closer...
Frasier
For God's sake, Niles, why don't you just hide in the men's room?
Niles
Where do you think Yvonne is right now? [checks out window] Where have you been?
Frasier
Well, I've been on the phone. I've been trying to contact Nikos's ex-girlfriend.
Niles
The depths you'll sink to to get a date.
Frasier
I am convinced that he's still in love with her, and she with him! I thought if I could get the two of them together he might realize it in time. Niles, I couldn't reach her, she's out working tonight. I had to leave a message with her roommate.
Niles
Well, perhaps the time has come for you to—
Yvonne
Hi.
Frasier
Hello, Yvonne.
Niles
-stop playing games and start being direct!
Zora
[o.s.] Frasier? Where's Frasier Crane?
Frasier
Oh, dear God.
Zora
Ah, there you are! Come up here and make a toast to the happy couple!
Frasier
Well, all right, I guess a thought or two comes to mind. [takes the microphone] Well, I've known Nikos all his life, and I'm sure that he realizes marriage is a binding commitment, not to be entered into hastily—
Zora
[sensing trouble] But when the right one comes along, you know it! Hmm?
Frasier
And that it's very important to-to find the person that you're most compatible with. The one who makes you feel happy... purely happy.
Zora
More important, makes me feel happy, eh?
Frasier
Of course, it would be a shame to go through life having to say, "if I'd only waited..."
Zora
Hey, what the hell kind of toast is this, anyway?!
Frasier
[getting his last shot in] I just want to make sure that my cousin marries the woman that he truly loves the most.
Zora
Oh, well, there! Cheers, everybody! [takes the microphone] Oh, thank you, Frasier. If I may say a word or two? My son Nikos and I have had our ups and downs, but tonight, at this moment, I can honestly say... what the hell are you doing here?!
Nikos
Crystal!
Crystal
Nikos! I couldn't let you get married without... without letting you know that I-I...
Zora
Nikos, what are you doing? Stop it!
Niles
[aside] How did she get the message?
Frasier
Her roommate must have reached her on her car phone!
Niles
Jugglers have car phones?
Zora
Nikos, you are ruining everything! [to Crystal] You, shoo, shoo, shoo!
Mary-Ann
Nikos! Nikos!
Nikos
I'm sorry, Mary-Ann, but Crystal's the one I'm meant to be with.
Mary-Ann
I will never forgive you for this!
Mary-Ann
Oh, see how happy you've made my parents?!
Zora
Frasier, he's lost his mind! Talk to him, he listens to you!
Frasier
You remember my promise, no more meddling!
Nikos
Excuse me, everyone. This may not exactly be appropriate, but I have a toast too. To the man who reunited me with the woman I plan to spend my life with—
Frasier
No, no, inappropriate! Toast time is over!
Nikos
But we want to offer you our thanks—
Frasier
No, no, no, no. You know what, everyone, why don't we do some bouzouki dancing?
Zora
Why are they thanking you?
Crystal
We owe our happiness to him.
Frasier
[headed for the gallows] Why couldn't she have been a mime?
Nikos
Once again, he saved me from making a terrible mistake. So, everyone, please lift your glasses to my cousin, Frasier Crane!
Zora
Oh, I can do better than a glass!
Frasier
No! Aunt Zora, no! Out of my way!
Martin
Well, Walt...
Walt
Marty...
Martin
Goodbye again.