The Perfect Guy
Aired 24th March 1998 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by Jeff Melman
Robert
Now for a difficult one.
Niles
[tastes] Firm, velvety rind, a bit smokey, mmm... applewood, I think.
Robert
Oui.
Martin
This is what I get for sending you to sleep-away camp in France!
Robert
Can I help you with anything else, monsieur?
Martin
No thanks, this six-dollar can of dog food will be fine. It sure teaches me not to leave my shopping till the last minute again.
Niles
[realizes] Oh, is it Reblochon?
Robert
You are good, Dr. Crane.
Martin
Yeah, he's a regular cheese whiz!
Niles
I'll take half a pound of the Reblochon and half a pound of St. André and I know I ask this every week but... is it here?
Robert
Is what here?
Niles
You know very well what I mean the imported Swiss prosciutto.
Robert
Aaah, the Bidnelfleisch! I am sorry, if only you had been here one hour ago...
Niles
Damn!
Robert
You would have seen it arrive.
Robert
I have my fun with you.
Niles
[tormented] You do, Robert, you make me long for the days when you barely spoke English. Slice, slice like the wind, I'll take a pound.
Martin
Whoa! Eighteen dollars a pound! This salami's good, but it's not that good.
Robert
That saucissons was aged for six months and was cured in a small village at the foot of the Pyrenees at Gilder Brown. It's a steal at that price.
Martin
You got that right, pal.
Niles
Dad, if you want to wait outside, I'll be through in a minute.
Martin
What? I'm fine. Whoa-ho, look at all these different kinds of olive oil. Virgin, extra-virgin. [laughs] Extra-virgin? How does that work? [laughs] Well, I guess if you can cure a sausage!
Robert
Monsieur, I'm so glad you find my foods so amusing.
Niles
Oh, Robert, he's only joking, keep on slicing.
Martin
Oh, come on now, even you've got to admit this whole store's kinda nutty.
Robert
Pardon?
Martin
Fourteen dollars for a pound of goat's cheese. God, at that price I ought to be able to get a whole goat!
Niles
We're slicing.
Robert
[to Martin] Perhaps, Monsieur, you would be more comfortable if you just waited outside.
Martin
You want me to leave, just come out and say it in plain English.
Robert
Fine, leave from my store.
Martin
Okay, no problem. Come on Niles, you heard the man, he wants us to [French accent] "leave from his store."
Robert
Don't hurry back.
Martin
Don't worry, all the money in the world wouldn't get me back in this snob shop.
Niles
That man is my father, so obviously I cannot leave here with a bag full of your merchandise.
Robert
Home delivery?
Niles
[quietly] Thank you. [shouts] No-one treats my father that way... [quietly] Those olives, too. [shouts] No-one!
Sharon
About the photo shoot tomorrow, will you be needing make-up?
Frasier
Oh, heavens, no!
Sharon
That's a good choice, because I think that you look very handsome without it.
Frasier
Really? Well, I think you look very attractive with make-up. Not that I'm saying you need make-up, it's that if indeed you are wearing make-up, it's so expertly applied that I wouldn't even know you're wearing make-up... [sighs] I'm sure it looks like I'm wearing some rouge right now.
Sharon
I know what you meant, and thank you. Oh, Dr. Crane, I was meaning to ask you: what do you think about two people who work together dating?
Frasier
Oh, well, Sharon, I'm asked that question a lot and let me tell you, the stark reality is that that situation is fraught with...
Frasier
...[smiles] delightful possibilities.
Sharon
So, are you free on Friday?
Frasier
Er, Friday, yes, Friday it is. After the show?
Sharon
Great.
Frasier
Great.
Sharon
Okay.
Frasier
Bye.
Clint
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes.
Clint
Clint Webber. The station just hired me to host the new show on health issues.
Frasier
Oh, yes, of course, Dr. Webber. Well, welcome to KACL.
Clint
I understand I'm in your debt for recommending my audition tape.
Frasier
Oh, not at all, it was very good, very good indeed. Besides, you know, we'd all gotten a bit tired of the last show that was in that timeslot; "Bert The Backyard Gardener." A woman in her latest crock gave new meaning to the term, "Potting Shed"! [Roz enters] Ah, perfect timing, come Clint.
Frasier
Roz Doyle, my producer, this is Dr. Clint Webber, the new host of "Health Watch."
Roz
[taken aback] Hi.
Clint
Hi, great to meet you.
Roz
[flirting] So, er, you're new?
Clint
That's right.
Roz
And a doctor?
Clint
That's right.
Clint
Well, I don't want to be late for that station tour. [exits]
Frasier
Well, again, welcome aboard, Clint.
Roz
Oh, my God, could I acted any goofier?
Frasier
Not without a set of fake buck-teeth!
Roz
He's so handsome, I can't work with someone that handsome. [realizes] No offense.
Frasier
Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same...
Roz
[jumps in] Species?
Frasier
Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting!
Bulldog
This stinks, this is total BS! The chicks are all going nuts over this new Webber guy. I'm supposed to be the only sex symbol around here. [pulls shirt up showing his torso] Wait, look at it, look at it. Come on, take your best shot.
Bulldog
Whoa-ho, not you! [indicating Frasier and Gil] One of those guys.
Frasier
Bulldog, you're behaving immaturely even for you. Granted the man's handsome but it's no reason to feel threatened.
Gil
I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
Roz
You didn't notice? [laughs] You of all people?
Gil
Just what are you insinuating?
Roz
Well, you know, you're a little... er....
Gil
For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
Frasier
You're... married?
Bulldog
To a woman?
Gil
Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting."
Roz
We thought Deb was your cat.
Gil
She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!
Frasier
Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
Niles
Dad, I can't help noticing Eddie's looking a bit glum.
Martin
Yeah, he's mad at me. I gave him a can of that dog food from your fancy gourmet place the other day.
Niles
He didn't like it?
Martin
No, he loved it, but now he won't eat anything else! He even turned his nose up at a kosher pickle and he loves those. And the bad thing is, I called all over Seattle and Frenchie's the only one who carries that stuff.
Niles
I don't suppose you'd consider apologizing?
Martin
Forget it, I'm never setting foot in that store again.
Niles
If things get worse, there is a technique of sleep-feeding I know. It involves an eye-dropper and a high fructose protein shake.
Martin
Well, I don't know about that.
Niles
Well, it worked on Maris.
Niles
[indicating a rash on Frasier's cheek] Frasier, are you aware?
Frasier
Yes, I'm aware. We were taking publicity photos today, I had an allergic reaction to the make-up I was wearing. I wasn't planning on wearing any make-up at all but there's this handsome new employee at the station, everybody's feeling incredibly insecure about their looks. They were all slapping their make-up on, so I too gave in to vanity. [Clint enters and goes to the counter] And, like Icarus flying too close to the sun I had to pay the price.
Martin
[noticing Clint] Wow!
Frasier
Thank you, Dad, I don't like to go with mythology too often, but that was spot-on...
Martin
No, I mean that guy, he's so handsome.
Roz
It's him, it's him, Dr. Webber.
Frasier
All right, Roz!
Niles
Well, he is striking.
Roz
Frasier's just jealous.
Frasier
Oh, I am not jealous. Yes, the man is handsome, but I'm sure there are a number of areas in which I am his superior. You know, let's not forget that good looks can be a mixed blessing. People just roll out the red carpet for you but that robs you of any incentive to develop other qualities. After a while you're left an aging narcissist bent at the water's edge, realizing those lines in the pond aren't ripples, they're wrinkles.
Martin
Amazing.
Frasier
Thank you, dad, I rather like that one myself.
Martin
That guy could be a movie star!
Frasier
All right, Roz, don't we have some work... [notices free table] over there?
Niles
Oh, no, no, take this table, I have a session anyway.
Martin
Yeah, I gotta go too. Like Zeus riding his thunderbolt to Mount...
Frasier
Very amusing Dad, off you go.
Clint
Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Oh, Dr. Webber. You remember Roz Doyle, of course.
Clint
Yes, hello.
Frasier
Who could forget that infectious laugh?
Clint
Speaking of which, has anyone had a look at that rash?
Frasier
Oh, yes, everybody.
Clint
So, mind if I join you?
Frasier
Well, actually we were...
Roz
We were hoping you would.
Frasier
So, Clint, I see that you're a squash player. You know, if you're up for a game some day, I used to play a bit back in Harvard.
Clint
Well, I'd love to. Harvard? Wow! I was dying to go to Harvard.
Frasier
Well, I'm sure the school you went to was just as good.
Clint
I went to Oxford.
Frasier
Oh, well, even better. So, did you go to medical school there as well?
Clint
Yes, but I took a year off first to get my Master's in French history.
Frasier
Ah?
Clint
Just wanted to do something fun.
Frasier
Mmmm.
Roz
Does that mean you speak French?
Clint
Certainement, pois je conte belle fais.
Frasier
Well, I too understand the importance in taking some time off before beginning medical school. I spent that summer in Milan studying the history of opera. In fact, I had the good fortune to make an acquaintance and become friends with a then-little-known young tenor by the name of Carreras.
Clint
Jose Carreras?
Frasier
Forgive the name dropping.
Clint
He's my godfather.
Frasier
[very jealous] You're joking!
Clint
No, I'll call him tonight, he'll be delighted to hear I'm working with you.
Frasier
[laughs] I'll be interested to see if he remembers the game we used to play where we pretended not to remember one another.
Clint
You know, Frasier, that rash is starting to concern me. Maybe I'll just pop out to the car and get my medical gear.
Frasier
There's really no need.
Frasier
Okay, maybe we can work now while he's gone. [Roz starts fanning herself] Oh, Roz, for heaven's sake. You're behaving like a starry eyed Bobby Socks-er. Yes, the man is good looking, it's not like he can stop traffic!
Frasier
[off Roz's look] There's a blind corner out there, we don't know that was him!
Roz
How was your squash game?
Frasier
Oh, well, Dr. Webber neglected to mention that he was squash champion back in college.
Roz
I'm sorry, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, no, not at all. It was a lovely morning, Clint was gracious enough to treat me to breakfast. Course, once we arrived at "Le Renée," the chef had just cut himself. Clint not only treated the wound but set about to making us a flawless egg-white and truffle omelet.
Clint
I put myself through med school as a sous-chef at "Le Cirque."
Roz
Sometimes I just want to pinch you to make sure you're real.
Frasier
He's real. [sits]
Clint
I'm just going to get a glass of water, I'll be right back. [exits]
Roz
But you're about to start the show.
Frasier
Yes, I know, Roz, I thought it would be a good idea to have Clint on, introduce him to my listeners, give his show a leg up.
Roz
All right, you're plugging Clint?! I'm sorry, I'm having a lot of trouble believing this buddy-buddy attitude.
Frasier
Roz, try as you may to insinuate that I have some seething jealousy to this man, the fact is, I like Clint. Why else would I be giving a party in his honour this evening?
Roz
Okay. You're on in ten seconds.
Frasier
Yes, right up. Let's just slip on our headphones, and follow my lead, okay? [presses button] Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Before we start our regular program, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to Dr. Clint Webber. Clint, if you're anything like I am, you'll spend your first week trying to figure out what all these buttons do.
Clint
Actually, in college I ran the radio station.
Frasier
Ah, well, things may have gotten a bit more sophisticated since then. For instance we have here a cough button. [presses and releases the button]
Clint
If I'm not mistaken that's the echo button.
Frasier
[laughs] Of course it is. All my listeners are familiar with my now-trademark "echoing cough"! [laughs] Well, let's go to the lines, take our first call, show Dr. Webber the ropes, shall we? [presses button] Go ahead, you're on the air.
Marie
[v.o] Oh, hi, hi, Dr. Crane, it's Marie.
Frasier
Oh, hello, Marie, I'm listening.
Marie
[v.o] I, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed every morning and when I finally do I'm irritable for hours.
Frasier
Really? Well, Marie, the desire to stay in bed is very similar to the desire to regress to the womb. Some unconscious fear is driving you to a place of safety. Now, in order to resolve this problem you're going to have to examine your life and discover just what it is you're retreating from. It's hard but very necessary work, I suggest that it maybe time to try some therapy.
Marie
[v.o] Wow!
Clint
You are good, Dr. Crane. The first thing that came to my head was that she might be a little hypoglycemic, I'd have suggested some protein in the morning.
Marie
[v.o] Oh, wait a minute. Last Thursday I had eggs for breakfast and I felt great all day.
Clint
Well, maybe that's it, then.
Marie
[v.o] Oh, what a relief! You know, you scared the life out of me, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Yes, well, thank you, Marie. [presses button] But I think it's time to say goodbye to Dr. Webber now and we'll be back right after these messages. [signs off]
Clint
Thanks, Frasier, that was fun.
Frasier
Yes, it was, wasn't it?
Clint
I hope I didn't say anything out of line.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, not at all, I always enjoy learning something new. Well, I'll see you tonight, don't be late.
Clint
I'm always punctual.
Frasier
[covers anger with a laugh] Of course you are!
Frasier
[lightly] I hate him.
Martin
Oh, he's not even here.
Daphne
Your luck's out.
Martin
[goes to assistant] Yes, I'll just take a case of that dog food, please.
Assistant
Will that be all?
Martin
Yeah, that's it and I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Daphne
[picks up biscuits laughing] Look here, Nickerson's Lemon Biscuits. God, these bring back memories. I just love them. Do you carry the Raspberry ones as well?
Assistant
I'm not sure.
Martin
Could you come back for those?
Assistant
[calls back] Robert?
Martin
Oh, God.
Robert
Well, look who's come back.
Martin
Look, why don't you just let me pay for this and get out of here? What do I owe you?
Robert
I think we both know what you owe me.
Martin
All right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made fun of your store. You gonna let me off the hook or not?
Robert
All right, I'll sell it to you. I never like to lose a customer.
Martin
Well, great. You know, while I'm here I might as well take a few cases.
Robert
We have several new varieties in if you'd care to take a look.
Martin
Oh, sure.
Robert
Please, show the man.
Daphne
[looks at her biscuits] Oh, I think these biscuits are mis-marked.
Robert
[looks] No, that's correct.
Daphne
$14.95 for a package this small?!
Robert
I see we have another member of the price club!
Daphne
Hey, there's no need for that attitude. Back home I can get these for 80 pence!
Robert
Well, I do have to fly these over.
Daphne
What did you do? Buy them a seat on the Concorde?!
Robert
Madame, if you cannot afford them, simply put them back.
Daphne
I can bloody well afford them, I just don't like being gouged, this is robbery!
Robert
Robber! [he pronounces it "Ro-bear"] No-one calls me a robber!
Assistant
[o.s] Robert?
Robert
Not now! [to Daphne] On your way out you will see a sign on the door saying "Please come again." Disregard it!
Daphne
I'd be happy to. You know, Mr. Crane was right about you. You're nothing but an arrogant, swindling little cheese- monger.
Martin
[enters with dog food] This is great! I'll take a case of each.
Robert
[snatches it away] You'll take a case of nothing!
Martin
What happened now?
Daphne
We don't need him or his food!
Martin
Yes, we do, he's got tarragon flavor now!
Daphne
Come on!
Martin
But Daph, what about Eddie?
Daphne
Oh, he'll eat when he gets hungry. For heaven's sakes, he drinks out of the toilet!
Clint
So, George S. Kaufmann so dislikes what the actor is doing, he sends the poor fellow a telegram reading, "I'm watching your performance from the rear of the house, wish you were here." [they all laugh] Sorry to jump in there, Frasier, but I believe that's the story you started.
Frasier
Thanks for helping out.
Bulldog
[comes up to Frasier] Hey, Doc, I gotta hand it to you, great way to welcome the new guy.
Frasier
Oh, well, really? I'm surprised you're even here at the party. I didn't think you cared much for Clint.
Bulldog
Nah, I'm over that. I figured, he can't have every chick. So if we pal around, I bag the leftovers.
Frasier
Ah, the regular busboy romance. Excuse me. [opens door to Niles] Niles.
Niles
How's it going?
Frasier
Well, let me see, what have you missed? Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane, and then he recited a sonnet and, oh yes, he fixed my ice machine and he invented a new drink; the "Pink Webber"! He's got Daphne drawing a bath right now, in case the party starts to lag, he invited to walk on water, liven things up a bit.
Niles
Well, don't let it make you crazy, Frasier. At some point we all run into someone who's our superior.
Frasier
It's just that I've never dealt with this sort of thing before.
Niles
Never?!
Frasier
I can see how that might be baffling to you, as my younger brother, you dealt with this thing all your life.
Niles
Yes, well, at least we know he won't out shine you in the egomania department! [takes a "Pink Webber"]
Frasier
You're right, I'm being a bit silly about this thing, I suppose. I just wish I could one flaw, one area where I'm his superior.
Niles
Well, I'm sure you will.... [takes a sip] Although it won't be in the drink department, this is heaven in a glass!
Clint
Oh, Frasier, I was just admiring this chess board, it's beautiful.
Frasier
Thank you. Do you play?
Clint
No, I've read a book or two. Are you in the middle of a match?
Frasier
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I'm playing by mail with a Russian grand master. It's quite challenging.
Clint
Well, congratulations. With your cunning use of the Zekreptsky attack, you're only four moves away from certain victory!
Frasier
[looks] My God, you're right. And actually I'd be happy to hear that, except I'm playing black, well... wasn't that a fun eight months!
Frasier
Hello, Sharon. Sorry we haven't had a chance to speak much.
Sharon
Oh, I know but I'm really looking forward to our date on Friday.
Frasier
Yes, so am I, and you look absolutely beautiful - or should I say...
Frasier
Oh Boy, what's so funny?
Sharon
Well, you just told me "I was as a lovely as a chicken beak."
Frasier
Oh, really? [he repeats the Mandarin and Clint overhears]
Clint
Who's as lovely as a chicken beak?
Sharon
You speak Mandarin?
Clint
Frasier, I just wanted to thank you for this party.
Frasier
Oh, don't mention it.
Clint
It's been a perfect evening; The hors d'oeuvres, the company, the music. Oh, I love this song.
Frasier
Enjoy.
Clint
"Isn't it romantic? Music in the night...
Clint
Oh, I'm sorry, I was singing too loud.
Frasier
No, no, not at all. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying hearing it.
Clint
Careful, it doesn't take much coaxing to get me to perform.
Frasier
Really?
Clint
Oh, yes, get a glass of wine in me, before you know it, I'm serenading the entire room.
Frasier
Really?
Clint
Oh, I'm afraid I have a bit of the old ham in me. [laughs] Would it be presumptuous to sing in front of your guests?
Frasier
Well, I think we could persuade the piano player to play it again.
Frasier
Niles, Niles, I've done it. I have found his Achilles Heel!
Niles
Ah, who's?
Frasier
Clint's! Oh, I just heard him singing, the man is completely tone deaf. He's about to launch into a rendition of "Isn't It Romantic" that will simply peel the enamel from your teeth!
Niles
Are you sure you want to let him do that?
Frasier
What do you mean?
Niles
Well, you have your victory, you're a wonderful singer. Isn't it enough to know that? Do you really need to see him humiliate himself?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
Now, Frasier...
Frasier
No, no, no, I know, you're right. I guess I am a bigger man than that.
Daphne
Hey, Dr. Crane, your friend, Clint, he's quite a charmer.
Frasier
Yes, he is, isn't he?
Daphne
Yeah, do you suppose he's single? [this alerts Niles] I was just getting up the nerve to give him my phone number.
Clint
Excuse me, everyone. I just want to thank you all for this warm welcome to KACL and as a token of my gratitude, I'd like to share this song with you.
Frasier
Clint, there's been a little change of plan...
Niles
Yes! I'm going to be your accompanist now!
Clint
"Isn't it romantic? Music in the night, A dream that can't be heard... Isn't it romantic?.......
Frasier
Please, everybody... nobody's perfect.