Bad Dog
Aired 7th April 1998 · Written by Suzanne Martin · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
What's going on, anyway? [glances at watch] My God, I've got an appointment in twenty minutes.
Bulldog
Ah, some weenie made a big stink so they've gotta clean the milk steamer every time they use it.
Frasier
Oh.
Bulldog
[turning back] Is was you, wasn't it?
Frasier
[haughtily] Well, if requesting basic sanitary procedures makes me a weenie, then a weenie be I.
Roz
Hi, guys.
Frasier/Bulldog
Hey, Roz.
Roz
[glances at line] Oh, God, Frasier, what stupid suggestion did you make this time?
Frasier
Nice to see you, too, Roz.
Roz
Sorry. I just spent two hours trying on jumbo formal wear for the SeaBea awards.
Roz
[smirk] The best part was when the size two sales girl said I could use this again after my pregnancy.
Frasier
Well, perhaps you could... [gestures] cut off the bow, remove the sleeves, and, uh...
Bulldog
Stick a pole in it and go camping.
Roz
You know, if I'm gonna stick a pole some place....
Frasier
Children!
Bulldog
[reaching the counter] Coffee to go. Black.
Frasier
I, for one, am looking forward to the SeaBeas.
Bulldog
Why? You're not gonna win. They never give it to the emcee! Now me? I'm a lock.
Frasier
Well, you're awfully cocky.
Bulldog
Hey, if knowing I'm the best thing on the air makes me cocky, then cocky be I.
Frasier
Ah.
Bulldog
[ignoring him] See? You're not the only one who can talk classy.
Roz
[confused] How is that talking like Lassie?
Frasier
Let's just move on, shall we?
Frasier
[whispering] Roz! That man, he's got a gun!
Bulldog
[overhearing] He's got a gun!
Frasier
Roz, are you all right?
Roz
Yeah, uh....
Roz
Bulldog, I can't believe you did that! [hugs him] You saved me!
Bulldog
[confused] Uh, I just did what anyone would've done.
Customer 1
You were so brave! [kisses him on cheek]
Customer 2
[hugs him] You're a hero!
Bulldog
Hey, close enough.
Niles
[o.s.] Excuse me, would you hold that, please?
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Frasier, I was just on my way up to see you!
Frasier
Niles, what have we determined about your success with... impulse purchases?
Niles
Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
Frasier
My suggestion exactly.
Niles
Fine. Fine. [excitedly] Frasier, ask me if I have news.
Frasier
Actually, I've got some news of my own. In the cafe today - [glances at Niles, who is glaring at him] Oh, for God's sake. Niles, do you have news?
Niles
Indeed I do. First of all, congratulations on your SeaBea nomination.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
Now, congratulate me on mine!
Frasier
What are you talking about?
Niles
[pulls out papers] Well, if you'd bothered to look past your own name on the first page, you'd have found mine right after it on page... [flips through pages] fifteen.
Frasier
[reads] "Best Performance By a Guest on an Information Show."
Niles
Yes, it's for that spot I did on KJSB when I discussed the psychological effects of long-term inclement weather.
Frasier
[turning away, amused] Ah, yes, yes, yes.... Thirty minutes of psychobabble all reducible to one phrase: "Rain, rain, go away."
Niles
I'm hardly surprised you feel the need to belittle my nomination. In your mind, you're the success, the famous one. I'm just invisible. That's not the way the rest of the world sees me.
Martin
[hugging Frasier] Oh, Frasier, boy, am I glad to see you!
Frasier
Oh, thanks, guys, thank you.
Daphne
[also hugging him] Doctor Crane, thank goodness you're home!
Niles
[large, forced grin] I'm also here!
Daphne
We heard what happened at the café.
Frasier
Yes, Niles, as I have tried to tell you, there was an attempted armed robbery today at the café.
Niles
Good heavens! Was anyone hurt?
Frasier
No, no, no, thank goodness. It all diffused rather quickly. Tempest in a tea pot, really. [rubs Daphne's shoulders as he walks back to hang up his coat] Thank you.
Niles
[walking to coat rack and removing trench coat] Well, that's a relief! On a more pleasant topic, this afternoon, I found out-
Frasier
Oh, Niles, hold on a second. [points at Martin and Daphne] How did you two hear about it?
Daphne
On the news!
Martin
Boy, Bulldog really saved the day!
Frasier
[hanging coat, shocked] They said that on the news?
Martin
Oh, yeah, how he swept Roz out of the way and then threw his hot coffee on the gunman!
Frasier
That's not how it happened at all! Why would he say such a thing?
Niles
Well, it was drizzling today, and people act strangely when it rains, as I pointed out in my SeaBea-nominated-
Frasier
Shut up, Niles.
Martin
Well, then what did happen?
Frasier
[v.o.] Well, we were all standing at the counter, when I noticed a man with a gun. I warned Roz. Bulldog saw a different man reaching for his wallet, and thought he was the gunman. That's when he grabbed Roz and held her in front of him as a human shield! But as he did that, he accidentally knocked his coffee onto the actual gunman, burning his hand, causing him to drop his weapon and run out!
Daphne
And no one else saw that happen?
Frasier
Well, apparently not.
Martin
Wow, I can't believe Bulldog'd use Roz like that!
Niles
Why didn't you say anything?
Frasier
Well, I was just so relieved everyone was all right at first! I suppose it did irk me when everyone was praising him, and the owner of the cafe promised him a lifetime supply of muffins! [pause] Well, I never thought it'd go this far. I never thought I'd hear it on the news! [walks over to pour himself a sherry]
Daphne
I wonder how much that would be, a lifetime supply of muffins?
Frasier
I'm certainly not going to let Bulldog get away with this!
Daphne
[folding underwear] I don't think I've ever seen Bulldog eat a muffin. A lifetime supply would be wasted on him!
Frasier
I'm going to tell him I saw exactly what happened!
Daphne
Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... [thinking hard] ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to.... [looks aghast at the Cranes] Twenty thousand muffins! My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins.
Frasier
Well, that's all the time we have for today. Good afternoon, Seattle, and good mental health. [off-air] Roz, did you see Bulldog come in?
Roz
No, I haven't. I've been looking for him myself.
Roz
Stop that, they're for him!
Frasier
[frustrated] Do you really think he had anything to do with...
Roz
There he is!
Bulldog
[from outside; whistles] Hey, hey, hey! Nothing new here. [entering book, pushing his cart] I take my pants off one leg at a time, just like everybody else. You can vouch for that, can't you, Myrna?
Roz
Hey, Bulldog, I made these cookies for you.
Bulldog
[slaps stomach] Wow, I already had a bunch of muffins, but... there's always room for a cookie. [takes bite] Um, where's the milk?
Roz
[running out] Ooh, coming right up!
Frasier
Hello, Bulldog.
Bulldog
Hey, doc! This hero stuff is the best! Hey, last night, sisters. At one point, I was a hero sandwich! [snickers]
Frasier
Just drop it. I saw what you did yesterday. [standing]
Bulldog
[sniggering] Yeah, I saved your butt.
Frasier
[angrily] Saved my butt, my ass! You pulled Roz in front of you to protect yourself! Everything else that happened was simply by accident.
Bulldog
[yelling, pointing] THAT STINKS! THAT'S TOTAL BS! I'm a hero! I'm a brave, brave man! [lowers voice] Aw, Jeez, you're not gonna tell, are you?
Frasier
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
Bulldog
You like muffins?
Frasier
You know what, I was determined to expose you, but it suddenly occurs to me I don't have to. You'll do it yourself. And you know why? Because a guilty conscience needs no accuser. [turns away]
Bulldog
[hopefully] That means you won't tell?
Frasier
[turns back, shaking finger] Once again, I don't have to, because a guilty conscience sleeps in thunder!
Frasier
It means I won't tell.
Producer
[v.o.] Twenty seconds, Bulldog.
Frasier
You know, actually I'll be fascinated as a psychiatrist to watch this little experiment. I know that deep down you feel bad about what you've done. And you'll feel worse every time you capitalize on it. How long before your conscience finally overwhelms you?
Producer
You're on.
Bulldog
[on air] Hey, sports fans! This is Bob Bulldog Briscoe, and you're in the doghouse! [honks horn, barks] Let's go to the phones!
Roz
[on air, from inside producer's booth] Hey, everybody, this is Roz Doyle, and I have some very exciting news! Each year, at the SeaBea Awards, one radio personality receives the Harold Hirschauer Man of the Year Award...
Roz
...and this year, our winner is our very own Bulldog Briscoe, who was chosen for his heroism! Congratulations, Bulldog!
Frasier
Well, what do you say to that, hero?
Bulldog
[into mike] Well, this is incredible. I.. I uh really feel honored....
Bulldog
But I gotta clear something up.
Bulldog
Yesterday, at the cafe, this young lady kept coming up to me saying, "You're my hero. How can I ever thank you?" Well, I've got a confession to make. [glances at Frasier] [grins] I lost your number, but if you call in, baby, I've got an answer for you!
Niles
Okay, I'm ready. Go ahead, Daphne.
Daphne
And the SeaBea goes to... [Niles looks anxious] Doctor Niles Crane!
Niles
Oh! Oh!
Daphne
Congratulations! [hands him statue]
Niles
Thank you! You know, to be accurate, it's traditional for the presenter to kiss and embrace the winner.
Daphne
[confused] But won't your brother be the presenter?
Niles
Well, we can't know that for certain.
Daphne
[nods] Oh. All right, then. [kisses and hugs him]
Daphne
[pulling away from Niles] Hello, Doctor Crane! We're just practicing for Saturday night. Best-case scenario.
Frasier
Obviously.
Martin
Hey, Daph, your pie's done.
Daphne
Oh, thanks. [to Frasier] Will you be joining us for coffee and dessert?
Frasier
Oh, no thank you, Daphne. I'm not very hungry.
Niles
Where've you been?
Frasier
Oh, I've been driving around, thinking. I can't seem to get this Bulldog thing off my mind.
Martin
[sitting, pouring coffee] Well, don't worry about it. We all get obsessed sometimes. The important thing is to drop it before you start yakking on and on to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass.
Frasier
[glaring] Is that your roundabout way of saying you don't want to discuss it?
Martin
You wanna take the direct route?
Niles
[sitting at table] Why do you care so much about Bulldog?
Frasier
Well, it's not really Bulldog, so much. It's just that I believe that conscience, more than customs and laws, is what prevents people from doing wrong. To contemplate the idea of an otherwise sane man with no conscience... [sigh] It just shakes my entire world view.
Daphne
[placing food on table] Well, in our family, we certainly knew the meaning of conscience. That's what my dad called his wooden paddle.
Niles
[grimacing, horrified] Oh, how awful for you!
Daphne
[matter-of-factly, smiling] Oh, for my brothers, yes. But I knew he'd never use it on me, as long as I was always good. [smile fades] As long as I was always polite. [looks disturbed] As long as I always had a smile on my face no matter how I felt inside! [slams down the silverware in front of them] As long as I was always ready to wait on all the men, hand and foot, day and night, year in, year out!
Daphne
[brightly] More coffee, anyone?
Niles
[standing] No, no, no, you just have a seat. [gestures for her to sit at the table, lifts coffee pot, begins to pour] You... just... here, I'll... for you.
Frasier
Maybe I'm blowing this thing out of proportion. I just can't understand how Bulldog can accept all those accolades and not be tormented by it.
Daphne
Well, maybe he is.
Niles
Yes, for all you know, he's at home right now, pacing the floor, unable to sleep.
Frasier
[nods] Well, that's a comforting thought, Niles. [pause] But we'll never know for sure, now, will we? [pause] Well, enough about this. You know, I think I'm off to bed. Goodnight all.
Daphne
Goodnight!
Martin
Goodnight, son. [to Daphne and Niles] You know, I'm really proud of Fras. Used to be he'd get a bee in his bonnet, and he'd never get it out.
Daphne
Yes, I thought we'd be hearing about this one for weeks.
Niles
Well, the old Frasier'd be up with this all night.
Martin
Exactly! Wouldn't be able to sleep until he went over to Bulldog's to make sure he wasn't sleeping.
Daphne
[lifting milk to pour into coffee] I should have told him to pick up some more milk.
Bulldog
[o.s.] Okay, okay. [opens door; wearing a robe] What're you doing here?
Frasier
I want to talk to you.
Bulldog
Ugh. This isn't a good time. I got company.
Frasier
[angrily] You have done something horrible, and selfish. And I need to know that you feel bad about it.
Bulldog
What, you've been looking through the keyhole?
Frasier
I'm talking about what happened with Roz!
Bulldog
Aw, not this again.
Woman 1
[o.s.] Bulldog, I'm lonely.
Bulldog
Talk to your sister for a sec, I'll be right there.
Bulldog
Ooh, man, I gotta go. See ya ma�ana. [slams door]
Frasier
Bulldog! [holds buzzer down]
Bulldog
[opens door] Would you stop that?
Frasier
I am not leaving until I know that you feel some remorse for what you've done.
Bulldog
Wow, this is really bugging you, isn't it?
Frasier
Yes!
Bulldog
Well. Okay. All right, all right. The truth? The truth is I feel bad. [hangs his head] I feel real bad. [pretends to cry]
Frasier
[horrified] You feel NOTHING!
Bulldog
I'm sorry, doc! These little things just don't get to me!
Frasier
The little thing in question is using a pregnant woman as a human shield! Have you no conscience?
Bulldog
[hands on hips] Well, maybe I don't.
Frasier
I refuse to believe that!
Bulldog
Well, maybe it was something I was born without... like, oh, like my cousin. He was born without a big toe on each foot. I used to sneak up on him and tip him over. [pause] I didn't feel bad about that, either. [turns to go inside] See ya, doc.
Frasier
[reaching for him] No! No! No, you don't! I know you've got a conscience. It must be buried deep inside there. I will find a way to get it out of you!
Bulldog
Yeah, you do that, doc.
Frasier
Oh, you mark my words. I don't know how yet, but come Saturday night you will be so consumed with guilt you will not be able to accept that Man of the Year Award! [stalks off]
Frasier
[waves] Daphne!
Frasier
Oh, you're gorgeous.
Daphne
[smiling] Oh, thank you.
Frasier
Dad, not bad, either! [pats his back]
Martin
Thanks, although I guess any guy looks good in a monkey suit.
Daphne
[laughs] On the drive over I started musing about why they call it a monkey suit. I had quite a few theories on that one.
Martin
[grins] Oh, she sure did. [whispering to Frasier] Can I get a ride home with you?
Frasier
Of course.
Daphne
Oh, Roz, is everything all right?
Roz
Yeah, I'm fine, it's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier
No, nonsense, Roz, you look divine.
Roz
No, I look LIKE Divine. I gotta go sit down. [moves toward table, then looks at herself] Oh, my God. Look at the way the lights are shining on the sequins on this dress! I'm a disco ball! [leaves]
Frasier
Well, it certainly promises to be quite a night.
Martin
Yeah! You know, I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself. I wasn't sure that you would, what with Bulldog getting that award and everything.
Frasier
[conspiratorially] Well, Dad, I wouldn't be surprised if Bulldog actually declines that award.
Martin
Why would he?
Frasier
Well, I've arranged a few surprises to prick his conscience, until, like Hamlet's stepfather, he totters from the banquet, ghostly pale and gibbering with guilt!
Martin
[turning around and whispering to stranger] Can I get a ride home with you?
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Hello, all. [stops in front of Daphne] Daphne, you look stunning.
Daphne
[smiles] Oh, thanks, you look very smart.
Niles
Thank you. Of course, I guess it's hard not to look elegant in evening wear.
Niles
Hard but not impossible.
Frasier
No. Well, shall we take our seats?
Niles
Yes! Although if Dame Rumor is correct, I won't be sitting long! Now are we all at table... [looks at card] 105?
Daphne
We're at table four.
Niles
Excuse me. [goes to a stewardess] Where's this table?
Waitress
One hundred five... that's the technical awards. Just go down to the basement, cross through the kitchen to the hall, and ask for the Napoleon Room.
Niles
Oh, the Napoleon Room, that sounds charming.
Waitress
We call it that because the ceilings are so low.
Daphne
What a shame. Now you won't get to see your brother host or hear all the little jokes he's written....
Niles
Thank you, Daphne, I needed some cheering up.
Frasier
Oh, Bulldog.
Bulldog
[to his date] Aw, Jeez, let's go this way.
Frasier
Oh, no, there's no reason to avoid me, Bulldog. I have no intention of ruining your evening. In fact, I've gone to great lengths to make it memorable.
Bulldog
Eh, you been sleeping okay, doc? You look a little tired.
Frasier
Oh, don't you worry about me, I'll sleep fine tonight! The sleep of the just!
Bulldog
Me, too. The sleep of the just boinked. [hits Frasier]
Frasier
And the nominees are: "Consumer Forum," Wendy Hashiro, talent, Mike Friedman, producer [applause]; "The Doctor Frasier Crane Show," Dr. Frasier Crane, talent, Roz Doyle, producer [gestures to Roz; applause; Daphne grins brightly]; and "Bob and Nipsy's Morning Laugh Factory," Bob and Nipsy, talent, Lunatic Larry, producer [applause]. And the SeaBea goes to... [opens envelope] Well, well. "Bob and Nipsy's Morning Laugh Factory!" [music; applause] Bob and Nipsy couldn't make it tonight, so [takes SeaBea, pats it] I accept this award on their behalf. That brings us to our final category, but rather than compete with the coffee service, let's take a short break, and we'll be right back with... the Man of the Year Award!
Martin
Sorry you didn't win.
Frasier
[brightly] Oh, God, that's all right, Dad! I'm only concerned about one award tonight. That's the next one!
Daphne
Hey, Doctor Crane! How did it go?
Niles
[false cheer] I lost!
Martin
Sorry you didn't win. God, I've been saying that a lot tonight. [pours wine]
Niles
Oh, look, wine. They didn't serve alcohol at the technical awards, as I informed so many of the guests who mistook me for their waiter. You see, I was the only nominee dressed in black tie, except for the one man in front wearing a tuxedo tee-shirt.
Frasier
I'm sorry, Niles.
Niles
At least I didn't come home empty-handed. We each received one of these handsome certificates [hands it to Roz], which were given out after we'd folded our tables and stacked our chairs.
Frasier
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Now the time has come to present the Harold Hirschauer Man of the Year Award. [Susan places award on table] Thank you, Susan. As you all know, this award is presented every year to the radio personality who brings honor to our medium. This year, that person is Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe! C'mon up here, Bulldog! [applause]
Bulldog
[runs up to front] [into microphone] Wow, what a night, huh?
Frasier
[takes Bulldog's shoulders and shakes him "affectionately"] Well, Bob, the night is just beginning for you. Could we please lower the house lights?
Bulldog
What's going on?
Frasier
[arm around Bulldog's shoulders] Just a few surprise guests that I've invited to help you celebrate this evening! [pats him] People from your past that've helped make you the man you are today. Do you recognize... this voice?
O'Rourke
Bobby Briscoe, you've made us all proud.
Bulldog
[looks around] Oh my gosh, is that-
Frasier
Yes, it's Father O'Rourke, your boyhood priest and childhood confessor! [applause] And who's that next to him?
McCloud
Bobby Briscoe, sit down in your chair!
Frasier
That's right, it's Mrs. McCloud, your second-grade teacher! [she waves] The woman who taught you that honesty is the best policy! [applause] And who's that next to her?
Nugent
Drop and give me fifty, Bulldog.
Bulldog
[pointing, excited] Oh, my gosh, Coach Nugents!
Frasier
It's Coach Nugent, from your peewee football days, the man who taught you that it doesn't matter whether you win or lose but that you play the game fair!
Bulldog
[covers mike] You're wasting your time.
Frasier
And who's that next to him? Yes! It's the president... of your fan club! Little Joey Katona, whose only dream is to grow up and be just like you! [applause, Joey, grinning, squeaks Bulldog-esque horn] But we're not through yet! Could we please bring the house lights up again?
Frasier
We've saved the best for last. It's the woman that gave everything to you...
Bulldog
[into mike] Well, you'll have to narrow that one down!
Frasier
[rolls eyes] The night would not be complete without the woman who taught you right from wrong.... It's your mother, Bernice Briscoe! [backs away from Bulldog, clapping with rest of audience]
Bulldog
Mom!
Bernice
I am so proud of you, Bobby!
Bulldog
Oh, Ma!!
Frasier
Now let's turn the microphone over to our guest of honor this evening. I'm sure we're all anxious to see [very tense with anticipation] what the hero has to say!
Bulldog
[goes up to mike] I'm really blown away by all this. [pause] I didn't think I'd be accepting this in front of all you guys. [pulls speech out of inside coat pocket] I wrote up this little speech. [balls it up] I can't say this stuff now. [seems to feel guilty] What I've got to say is simple.... [long pause, Frasier smiles; finally, Bulldog grabs SeaBea] This is totally awesome! Thank you everybody!
Frasier
This can't be happening!
Martin
Let it go.
Frasier
I can't! The man is a coward and he's being rewarded!
Martin
Guess I'm never gonna hear the end of this, now, am I?
Frasier
No! I'm sorry, Dad, but I won't-
Martin
[interrupting] All right, all right, wait just a minute. [beat; whispering to Bulldog, as he passes with his mom] Hey, Bulldog, there's a guy right there with a gun! [points]
Bulldog
There's a gun!
Martin
[loudly] Sorry, my mistake.
Waitress
He used his own mother to protect himself!
Date
Eeeeew!
Roz
Isn't that what you did to me?
Bulldog
No! I just, uh.... no, no!
Bernice
What is the matter with you? [starts hitting him in the head]
O'Rourke
[standing] You don't deserve that award!
Frasier
[smiling] Thanks, Dad.
Martin
[grins] Hey, I'm no hero, I just wanted you to shut up.