Frasier Gotta Have It
Aired 21st April 1998 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by Dan Butler
Niles
Frasier, Roz! Uh, I'd join you, but there's not a chair—
Roz
Oh, actually I was just leaving. You can have mine.
Roz
Niles! [grabs his arm] Every time I give you my chair, you wipe it off first. It's just insulting!
Niles
For your information, I was reaching for my cell phone.
Roz
Oh. I'm sorry, Niles. I stepped out of line. See you later, Frasier.
Frasier
Bye-bye, Roz.
Waiter
Café Nervosa.
Niles
[into phone] Yes, this is Dr. Crane at Table Seven. Could you send someone over to dust off my chair?
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake! I'll do it!
Frasier
That's the most ridiculous thing I've seen in my entire life! Stop it, just sit down!
Niles
May I have one of those, please? [to Frasier] So, I understand you had a full dance card this weekend?
Frasier
Yes, indeed. I met a lovely young artist at the gallery opening on Saturday. We went out for coffee afterwards, and our date lasted until, well... the cows didn't actually come home, but I did hear mooing on the front porch! [laughs]
Niles
Wait, I'm drawing a blank. The only woman I remember you chatting with at the gallery was the one in the Birkenstocks who went on and on about her driftwood collages. [sniggers]
Frasier
Yes, that's Caitlin.
Niles
Oh!
Frasier
Well, obviously we seem different on the surface. But once you get to know her, trust me, she is really a breath of fresh air. God, I haven't felt this excited about a relationship in ages!
Niles
Well, that's wonderful, Frasier! [the waiter brings his coffee] Thank you. So, is she from around here?
Frasier
Oh, it didn't come up.
Niles
Oh, I see. Well, uh, where'd she go to school?
Frasier
She didn't mention it.
Niles
Probably art school.
Frasier
Well, yes.
Niles
Being an artist, I'm sure she is enthusiastic about the finer things — literature, music...
Frasier
Uh, I don't know, we never got around to that.
Niles
You know what, I think I'm putting you on the spot here. Let's just leave it at congratulations on your new... relationship.
Frasier
What are you implying?
Niles
Oh, I think we both know what kind of relationship we're talking about.
Frasier
Would you stop saying the word "relationship" that way? — relationship.
Niles
I'm not condemning you for your little... fling—
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake.
Niles
Just don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word "Sealy" on your backsides.
Frasier
Listen, Niles, I would never stay in a relationship if I didn't think there was some real future in it.
Niles
In other words, if you were to realize that the two of you had nothing in common beyond the physical, you'd break it off?
Frasier
Yes, absolutely! In a heartbeat! It's a principle of mine — you know, this topic comes up all the time on my show. What do I always say?
Niles
Um...
Frasier
Surely you must listen occasionally!
Niles
Of course I listen occasionally. It's just I'm usually busy between eleven and one.
Frasier
My show is on from two to five.
Martin
I can't wait to see the look on his face.
Daphne
Me, too. He doesn't have a clue.
Martin
[lights the candle] Good. All set.
Martin/Daphne
Happy birthday to you...
Frasier
Oh, dear God.
Martin/Daphne
Happy birthday, Dear Eddie, Happy birthday to you!
Martin
OK, let's do it together.
Martin
Good boy! Great! That was terrific!
Daphne
I wonder if he made a wish?
Frasier
I know I did.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Hello, Frasier. Dad, Daphne, step lively! We don't want to miss the previews.
Martin
In a minute. Come on, birthday boy, I haven't given you your present yet! [confidentially, to the boys] I got him a brand-new rubber eeseburger-chay.
Niles
So, Frasier, can we convince you to join us?
Daphne
Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane. Your brother's been slaving away in the kitchen all afternoon.
Frasier
Actually, I'm having Caitlin over for dinner.
Niles
Oh... for dinner.
Frasier
I'll thank you to stop with your sniggering insinuations that Caitlin and I share nothing but the physical! There are many things that we do share. [opens door] Caitlin!
Niles
[to Daphne] Now they're sharing a Tic-Tac.
Frasier
Let me take your coat. [hangs it up] Oh, you remember Niles, of course. And this is Daphne, Caitlin.
Caitlin
[shaking hands] Hello.
Daphne
Hello. Don't worry, we'll be out of your way in a minute, just as soon as I can tear Mr. Crane away from Eddie.
Frasier
Yes, he's having a little birthday party for his dog.
Caitlin
Oh, how old is he?
Frasier
Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog. Anyway, can I interest you a drink? I've just opened a bottle of Conte de Bruillet!
Caitlin
Oh, you must have been saving it. Burgogne hasn't made a decent Beaujolais in years.
Frasier
[smugly] Well, do you hear that, Niles? Our Caitlin is a fellow oenophile!
Caitlin
When I was little, my father owned a vineyard. I was the only kid on the block who would open a can of Hawaiian punch and let it breathe!
Frasier
And we share that same quirky sense of humor! [offers second glass] Would you care for a glass?
Caitlin
No thanks. Actually, I've always hated the taste of wine.
Niles
Finally, something I can use to tell you two apart. [takes the glass]
Frasier
A martini, then?
Caitlin
I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products and meat... Oh, I hope I'm not screwing up your menu! What are you serving?
Frasier
Well, so far, parsley. But we'll make do. Let me get you a glass of mineral water.
Caitlin
Thanks.
Frasier
Please, help yourself to the melon slices. Just... unwind the prosciutto.
Niles
Frasier, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible. How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel, pelting you both with whole-grain brown rice?
Frasier
Spare me your sarcasm.
Niles
Oh, come on. Let me have my fun. You're certainly having yours, even if you deny that that's what you're doing.
Frasier
Niles, I've already told you, I would never continue in a relationship if I didn't think there was a real future, and I happen to believe that there is in this one! Have you ever heard of "opposites attracting?" Where I am worldly, Caitlin is... unspoiled.
Niles
Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives.
Caitlin
Oh, Frasier, I just met your dad! Did you know we're both Libras?
Martin
Which explains why I'm so "perky, open-minded, and quick to tears."
Caitlin
And don't forget "Outgoing."
Martin
No, I didn't. [heads for the door] All right, everybody coming?
Caitlin
Well, it was nice meeting you all!
Niles
Yes, nice to meet you too, Caitlin.
Frasier
I'll walk you to the door.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
[whispering] Will you stop smirking! It's going to take more than a harmless dabbling in astrology to dim the charm of this appealing young woman.
Caitlin
Oh my God! This is the coolest chair!
Frasier
[off Niles' look] Just get out!
Martin
Morning, Frasier.
Frasier
Morning, Dad.
Martin
What's the matter?
Frasier
It's Caitlin. I'm in hell. Last night I experienced the most intense physical pleasure I've ever known.
Martin
Frasier, before you continue, I shared my bed last night with a dog.
Frasier
Well, that's not the problem, Dad. It's just that there's absolutely no future for me and Caitlin.
Martin
Well, I got to say I never thought there was. She's a flake.
Frasier
Well, that's not the point. Granted, there are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting—
Martin
Like her being a flake.
Frasier
Well, all right! It's just difficult to walk away from something so intoxicating.
Martin
Fras, I'm just gonna say one thing: watch out for this woman. I know how these things work.
Frasier
You've experienced something like this?
Martin
I didn't say that. I just know the type. Today she's got you going against your better judgment. Pretty soon, you'll be thinking about her all the time — losing sleep, missing work, neglecting your friends... [drifting off] and then pretty soon you'll get caught naked with her in the backseat of your squad car... [snaps back] But anyway, the point is, the longer you put this thing off, the harder it's going to be to end it.
Frasier
You're absolutely right, Dad. Got to nip this thing in the bud. I'm going to go over there right now. Doing anything else would just make me a hypocrite. [gets up and heads for the door] You know, just yesterday I dedicated an entire theme show to the importance of self-control.
Martin
You did?
Frasier
Doesn't anybody listen?
Caitlin
[o.s.] Who is it?
Frasier
Frasier.
Caitlin
Oh my God! Why didn't you call first? Oh, I'm working on one of my collages. I'm covered in paint, I've got turpentine in my hair, I'm all sweaty—
Frasier
It'll only take a moment, I need to talk to you about something.
Caitlin
Oh, all right. But be nice!
Frasier
Well, actually I... [chuckles] Good lord, you really do look... [whispering] Good lord!
Evening
Daphne opens the door to Roz, who's carrying some files.
Roz
Daphne, is Frasier here?
Daphne
No, he's not back yet.
Roz
He was supposed to meet me at the Café over an hour ago to finish this paperwork! Now he can just do it himself. [drops it on the table] Can I use your powder room?
Daphne
Yeah, of course.
Niles
Obviously Frasier's attempt to break up with Caitlin has gone awry again. Thanks to him I have missed the wine tasting. What kind of weak-willed man allows a woman to come between him and a 1981 Cheval Blanc?
Daphne
You know, just out of curiosity, why didn't you go by yourself instead of sit here with me for half an hour?
Niles
I was worried about him, Daphne, worried sick.
Frasier
Hello, all.
Niles
Oh...
Daphne
Dr. Crane, were you at Caitlin's all this time?
Frasier
Heavens, no! I, uh, I stopped by early this morning. We've decided to go our separate ways. And then, I, uh, met up with Roz, went over some paperwork...
Frasier
You know how she is these days. You know, get her on one of her troubles and yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
Frasier
And yet she makes every story so interesting I could listen to her for hours...
Roz
Knock it off, Frasier. Where have you been?
Frasier
Oh well, where do you think I've been? Trying to break up with Caitlin! But did I do it? No! And why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sex-oholic!
Roz
It's obvious what's happening here. You are having a purely sexual fling. It happens to all of us at some time in our lives. The one where the chemistry is perfect? Where you can't even be alone together in a room without tearing each other's clothes off and jumping each other — I mean, does this sound familiar?
Frasier/Daphne
Yes...
Niles
[a second too late] Yeah...
Daphne
Everyone's had a relationship like that! I know I have. His name was... no, I can't tell you!
Daphne
It's too embarrassing!
Niles
We're all friends here, we're trying to help Frasier.
Daphne
Yeah, well, it was so long ago, I don't even remember all the details.
Niles
Take a minute.
Daphne
Well... it all started one afternoon when I was sunbathing on the roof of our building. I was concerned about tan lines in those days. So, I decided to unhook my bikini top— [phone rings] I'll get it.
Roz
Gosh, mine was this lifeguard. He had long blond hair and the bluest eyes. He used to get so sunburned, I'd spend hours just peeling the skin off his back. What was his name? Rick? Nick! I know there was an "ick" sound.
Frasier
I was about to make one of those myself.
Daphne
My mother picks the worst times to call. Did I miss anything?
Niles
No, nothing. I believe you were starting to tell us a story?
Daphne
Oh yeah, that's right. Well, once I got my top off, I started thinking to myself, "You know, I've never had an all-over tan." So, I looked about to see if I was still alone, then I started to slip off my— [oven timer dings] Oh, the rolls are done.
Roz
We haven't heard anything from you, Niles.
Frasier
Oh, I don't think we're exactly in Niles's wheelhouse! [laughs]
Niles
I beg your pardon?
Frasier
Come on, Niles, I've heard your stories. They're not the steamiest stuff.
Niles
Obviously you've forgotten the semester I spent living in Paris. I'll have you know I had a torrid affair with a married woman.
Roz
Really?
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Niles. I had no idea.
Niles
It's not something I boast about. The attraction was simply overpowering. Every Thursday, two o'clock, the Hotel De Boulogne. We'd arrive separately, climb the stairs, open the door... Ooh-la-la. Oh, what an embrace! Afterwards, she'd whisper to me, "There's something so sweet in your eyes, and it"—
Frasier
"Does me so much good," said Emma Bovary! If you're going to steal a love life, don't steal from the classics, you imbecile!
Niles
The part about being in Paris is true.
Daphne
Here we are! Got them out of the oven just in time. Another minute and I would have had burned buns.
Niles
Which brings us back to your story!
Daphne
Well, there I was wearing nothing but a smile, when the sun started to shift. So I moved behind the water tower, and who was lying there but Derek — the good-looking fireman from across the hall? Who was also getting an all-over tan, I might add! So, I had two choices. I could either tiptoe away or— [kettle whistles] Tea.
Niles
[exploding out of his seat] No, sit! My God, must Daphne do everything around here?!
Roz
I'll get it. I could use a glass of ice water anyway.
Frasier
You're not the only one. Let me give you a hand.
Roz
So, is any of this helping?
Frasier
Not much.
Roz
You know, I've got to make a point here. For as long as I've known you, you've been complaining about your lack of a sex life. Suddenly, you have one. So why are you still complaining?
Frasier
Well, it just seems wrong. I've thought a lot about this—
Roz
Ah, that's your problem. You've thought too much about this. You know, why don't you just stop listening to your head and start listening to your body? You're obviously enjoying this. Why do you have to feel so guilty?
Frasier
Well, it's just that I'm afraid I have no future with her.
Roz
So?
Frasier
Well, maybe she thinks that she has a future with me!
Roz
Well, then it would be wrong. But is that how she feels?
Frasier
I don't know.
Roz
Ask her. If she feels the same way you do, you should just enjoy yourself. These things don't come around very often, and they don't last when they do.
Frasier
Well, you're right. Over-thinking things can certainly spoil anything. You know, it's funny, I gave the very same advice the other day on my show to that lawyer from Bainbridge.
Roz
I don't remember that.
Frasier
You were five feet away! Doesn't anyone listen?!
Daphne
And it wasn't until afterwards that we realized we'd rolled onto the skylight above the main stairwell! [laughs] Oh, we took some ribbing about that, we did!
Caitlin
Well, I think I got everything under control. Dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes.
Frasier
Smells wonderful.
Caitlin
So do you.
Frasier
Caitlin, you know...
Caitlin
Yes?
Frasier
Well, I wanted to ask you: where do you see this going?
Caitlin
Well, right now I'm heading to your earlobe, but if you'd care to reroute me, I'm open to suggestions—
Frasier
[chuckles] No, I mean our relationship. We've never talked about it.
Caitlin
Oh. Gee, I don't know. I guess I was kind of looking at this as a nice casual thing. I hope that doesn't disappoint you?
Frasier
No, not at all, I'm actually relieved! I-I've been loving things the way they are too.
Caitlin
Yeah, we're just having some fun, right?
Frasier
Right — oh well, "fun" doesn't begin to describe it! I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.
Caitlin
Is that what's been on your mind? Because I thought you were tense these last few days. I even went and got some hot oil to give you a massage. But I guess we won't be needing that now.
Frasier
[naughtily] Well, I have been terribly worried about this global warming situation.
Caitlin
Oh well, we've got time before dinner! I'll go get the oil!
Frasier
I'm so glad we had this conversation!
Caitlin
[o.s.] Yeah, me too! I mean, I was starting to worry that you were scared off by my lifestyle. I mean, I'm pretty out there.
Frasier
Oh, Caitlin, Caitlin, I'm not as narrow-minded as all that. You know, I think we have a wonderful chemistry. That's enough to offset a few minor differences.
Caitlin
You can be taking your shirt off.
Frasier
Oh! [starts unbuttoning it] Same goes, by the way! You know, I just love these converted loft spaces. I wonder what this one was before you moved in? [looks up] Judging by these meat hooks — a slaughterhouse, huh?
Caitlin
No, I put those in. It was a day-care center.
Frasier
Oh, you artists and your whimsical decorating touches! [takes off his shirt and sits on the bed] That's a mousetrap, isn't it? You get many mice?
Caitlin
I wish! I use them in my art.
Fraiser
[more fazed] Dead mice?
Caitlin
Yeah, they're part of my newest collage series. It's all about mortality.
Frasier
Caitlin... you've cut your hair!
Caitlin
Yeah, sometimes the spirit just grabs me, and I've got to do it! It's really very freeing. Plus I think there's something great about using your body parts for practical use.
Frasier
Well, it's uh... it's different! It's still beautiful, nonetheless. Is that all your hair?
Caitlin
It's mostly mine.
Frasier
You know, Caitlin, I'm thinking—
Caitlin
No, no, no, don't think! [turns him around and sits him on the chair] The secret to a good massage is to let the mind rest, and listen to the body.
Frasier
Right.
Caitlin
Yeah...
Frasier
OK. Go ahead, Body... I'm listening.
Caitlin
Mmm...
Frasier
Oh God, yeah, that feels good.
Caitlin
You know, if we moved to the bed, I could give you a more thorough massage.
Caitlin
Oh, I just remembered, it's a full moon tonight!
Caitlin
Look! Isn't that beautiful?
Frasier
How romantic. You know, there's nothing like a full moon to make one—
Frasier
Caitlin?
Caitlin
I'm a member of the lycanthrope society.
Frasier
As in... werewolf?
Caitlin
Not literally. It's a group of women who believe that the moon controls our cycles, and this is our way of paying our respects.
Caitlin
[cattily] Besides, you've heard me howl before.
Frasier
Well, yes, but in that context I took it as a compliment!
Caitlin
Oh, Frasier, you're getting all tense again. It's the hair pillows, isn't it?
Frasier
Yes, that—
Caitlin
Oh, got one!
Frasier
Among other things!
Frasier
Listen, Caitlin, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea!
Caitlin
What do you mean?
Frasier
Well, you know, we're just so different! You know, I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned-down sort of guy! You're, well, you're your free-spirited, adventurous, mouse- painting, moon-howling sort of girl! Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap?
Caitlin
Well, I think so.
Caitlin
What do you think?