The Gift Horse
Aired 30th September 1997 · Written by Ron Darian · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Oh, good morning, Roz.
Roz
Good morning.
Frasier
What the hell was that?
Roz
[looks around] Oh, shoot! He's not even here!
Frasier
[wiping off kiss] Who?
Roz
Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am!
Frasier
Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon!
Roz
You might remember him, Stan?
Frasier
[thinks] Stan? The smug stockbroker who kept calling me "Frazer?"
Roz
Oh yeah, that's the one. One minute, we're hot an' heavy and then he stops calling. It's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist.
Frasier
[not listening to her] How can someone not hear the difference between "Frasier" and "Frazer"?
Roz
Yeah, that's what bugged me the most too! [to waiter] I'll have an espresso to go, please.
Frasier
Oh, oh, Roz, I almost forgot, here's the invitation to my dad's birthday party. Sherry's giving it, so please excuse the elegant verse, but...
Roz
[reads] "Come one, Come all, To jump and jive, Marty Crane's turning sex-ty-five!"
Roz
Oh my God, here he is. Please?
Frasier
Oh, all right.
Niles
Hello.
Frasier
Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just... [off her nuzzling] Oh, just stop that!
Niles
Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the archbishop!
Roz
I'll save you the club fees.
Niles
What-?
Niles
Everyone kisses better than Maris!
Frasier
[to waiter] Can I get one of the same for Dr. Crane, please? [sits with Niles]
Niles
I'm sorry I'm late, I was shopping for Dad's present.
Frasier
Oh, it's all right, Niles. I did a bit of that myself this morning. I found a lovely little calfskin wallet with a matching key case.
Niles
Oh. Well, bravo, Frasier.
Frasier
Yes, and it was a full twenty dollars below our agreed-upon spending limit.
Niles
Oh, I'm so glad we agreed to rein ourselves in this year.
Frasier
Oh God, me too. Finally to do away with our annual contest to see who could give dad the most lavish gift.
Niles
I think the competition had gotten a bit... er, what is the best word for it?
Frasier
Extreme.
Niles
No, childish.
Frasier
Gaudy.
Niles
Crass.
Frasier
Obscene.
Niles
Baroque.
Frasier
Stop it! So, what did you get him?
Niles
Oh, just some... beer.
Frasier
Well, we're not exactly bumping our heads on that spending ceiling, are we?
Niles
[laughs] It's a bit fancier than that. It's a membership in a beer club. They deliver a case from a different micro brewery every month.
Frasier
You know, I looked into those clubs, they're rather expensive.
Niles
Oh, not really. I'm right at our limit. Maybe with taxes and handling I'm a drop or two over.
Frasier
How big a drop?
Niles
Just, er... a hundred dollars over.
Frasier
That's not a drop, it's a downpour!
Niles
It's a dribble.
Frasier
It's a deluge!
Niles
It's a...
Frasier
Stop it!
Niles
Oh, why don't you just stick a hundred dollars in that wallet of yours and we'll call it even.
Frasier
Well, frankly, I don't need to buy dad's love. You've opted to violate our agreement, so be it. I have a gift, you have a gift.
Niles
Fine.
Frasier
Big baby!
Frasier
Stare all you like. You will not distract me from my paper. You see, your efforts are futile, I can't even see you.
Niles
It seems so unhealthy. Is she going to serve anything at Dad's party but meat?
Daphne
Sherry says that's what he and his old cronies like best. With drinks, she's serving cocktail franks. For appetisers, we're having a sausage medley. And for the main course there's a choice of meat loaf or meat balls.
Niles
I assume these colourful balloons are for the between course angioplasty!
Sherry
Did you get everything, Daphne?
Daphne
Oh, yes, I think so.
Sherry
Good news, I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of Marty's old police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst.
Frasier
Oh, how reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his eightieth!
Martin
Oh, we can't use this photograph, it's too embarrassing.
Sherry
[laughs] That's exactly why we're using it. I'm decorating the whole party with old pictures of Marty from the force.
Martin
Well, we can't use this one of me at the morgue; it's too disturbing.
Niles
You're right, I totally forgot you even had a perm!
Martin
Oh, God, I can't wait to see this guy again. Mickey Doogan. We rode mounted patrol together.
Sherry
Oh, look at you. You look so big and handsome on your horse. [looks at another] Oh my God, when was this taken?
Martin
April Fools' Day.
Frasier
[looks] Oh, yes, yes, that would explain why your horses are wearing brassieres.
Martin
Oh God, I loved that horse. Old Agides and I were together for eight years. Best partner I ever had.
Sherry
Oh, we should get going.
Martin
Okay.
Sherry
Marty, where ever did you find a bra that could fit a horse?
Martin
Oh, Mickey brought it in from home. Mae Doogan was a lot of things, but petite she wasn't! I'll point her out to you at the party.
Sherry
Honey, if that's her bra, I can spot her myself.
Frasier
Well, er, sherry, Niles?
Niles
Oooh... [looks at watch] ...no, thanks, I've got a session.
Frasier
Ah. [pours himself one]
Daphne
Dr. Crane, is your father gone?
Frasier
Yes, he has.
Daphne
Good, then I'll wrap his present. They fit fine in this box.
Frasier
Great, Daphne, off you go.
Niles
Wait a minute. That box is awfully big for what you got him.
Daphne
No, it isn't.
Frasier
Ah, Daphne...
Daphne
Your binoculars fit just perfectly in here!
Niles
You told me you got him a wallet and a key case!
Daphne
Oh, no, not this again! It's the same nonsense every year.
Frasier
Well, not this year. We'd actually agreed to a spending limit until someone else exceeded it.
Niles
All right, all right. Guilty as charged. We've each violated the pact once. Now let's stop before this madness gets out of hand.
Frasier
Well, if you ask me, your gifts compliment each other perfectly.
Niles
Em, Daphne... [puts a finger to his lips]
Daphne
Your binoculars and your football tickets.
Frasier
Tickets?
Daphne
["Uh-oh..."] Season tickets to the Seahawks.
Frasier
I don't believe you! You already had a better gift than mine, you still saw the need to take it to a higher level.
Niles
Only because I knew you were going to upgrade that wallet, which you did!
Frasier
All right, enough is enough. I quit, I'm throwing in the towel.
Niles
Oh, and why should I believe you?
Frasier
Because this is a receipt for the binoculars, this should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift. [tears it up] There.
Niles
Well, that's very big of you. I'm late for my session. If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first two yard lines but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth!
Daphne
Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane. I...
Frasier
Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape!
Daphne
Okay, the keg of beer will be there by six. I also confirmed the band, ordered the cake, filled out the place cards, picked up the humourous cocktail napkins and I'm almost done making the centerpieces.
Sherry
[sighs] Oh, this party is just going to wear me out!
Niles
Hello, Daphne, Sherry. [to waitress] Double Latte, please. [sits] Is Frasier with you?
Sherry
No, he's out shopping for your dad.
Niles
That jackal!
Sherry
What was that all about?
Daphne
Brother snit. Don't ask.
Sherry
I forgot to tell you. I found this fabulous photograph of Marty arresting some guy. I had it blown up to life size, then I cut out the crook's face so people could stick their heads through and have a snap shot of Marty reading them their rights. Don't you just love it?
Daphne
It depends. Do I have to pick it up?
Sherry
By five, you're a doll!
Daphne
Dr. Crane, did you find something?
Frasier
Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
Sherry
Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
Frasier
Niles was here?
Sherry
Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet!
Frasier
That little worm!
Daphne
Dr. Crane, are you all right?
Frasier
No, I am not. I've combed the entire city trying to find a gift - but nothing is better than what Niles got him.
Daphne
What did your brother get him?
Frasier
I don't know. I'm sure it's something any father would just love.
Martin
Why, you know the best thing about turning sixty-five? Everybody wants to buy you dinner! [laughs]
Daphne
Mr. Crane, you've left your top button unbuttoned.
Martin
Oh, yeah, that's because Duke's taking me to Hoppy's Old Heidelberg. You know, if I don't unbutton it now, it might fly off and hurt somebody!
Frasier
Enjoy, Dad.
Martin
Oh, yeah, I will. I gotta tell 'ya, I'm loving this birthday. All of a sudden my money's no good. Last night, Ed Flannagan bought the whole bar a round in my honour.
Frasier
Who's Ed Flannagan?
Martin
That's what I asked! Anyway, what are you doing tonight, Fras'?
Frasier
Er, nothing much. I've got some shopping to do.
Martin
Oh, for anybody we know? [laughs] You know, Fras', every year, you and Niles, you go overboard trying to find these great presents for me and I've got to be honest, it's always made me kind of uncomfortable.
Frasier
[relieved] Really?
Martin
Yeah. So this year, I just wanted you to know... I'm over it! So, go crazy, you only turn sixty-five once!
Daphne
You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. [goes to him] But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time has come...
Frasier
Oh, don't even say it!
Daphne
But it's the only thing he's ever asked for!
Frasier
No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't, I won't, I mustn't!
Daphne
It's over, Dr. Crane.
Daphne
That is one big-screen TV. He's going to love it!
Frasier
[in tears] I know!
Frasier
Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base. [he does]
Daphne
Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here.
Frasier
Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little bud vase, here.
Frasier
[denial] That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
Daphne
[acting] Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane. All the difference in the world!
Frasier
[falling to bits] Oh, it's ghastly! [doorbell sounds] Oh God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?!
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Frasier, are you ready? We told dad we'd pick him up at...
Niles
Oh my God, you didn't?!
Frasier
Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! Ah, it's impressive, isn't it?
Niles
I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore!
Frasier
I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
Niles
You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself!
Frasier
Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it! But you know, it's worth it, just to imagine the smile it'll put on dad's face, not to mention the pleasure of watching you twist and writhe in envy. [pause] You're not twisting and writhing!
Niles
I'm sorry, my mind wandered. I was remembering Dad waxing nostalgic the other day about his beloved old horse, Agides.
Frasier
Oh, don't try to change the subject, Niles, you've lost, admit it!
Niles
He certainly did love that horse.
Frasier
You can only live in denial for so long before you...
Frasier
You didn't?!
Niles
Didn't what? Buy the horse? Sorry, did!
Frasier
Oh! ... Oh... how could you?!
Niles
I've already set him up in a handsome stable. Dad can visit him anytime he wants, which reminds me, I'd like to swing by the stable on the way to the party so dad can- [laughs] look his gift horse in the mouth!
Frasier
Ah, all right, Niles. What else can I do? I give up! You win. You have found the one gift that can't be trumped.
Niles
Thank you, Frasier. You're a gracious loser.
Frasier
Still, on the bright side, I know dad will love this set. He really will. And already it doesn't seem quite as intrusive as it did when it first got here.
Daphne
Right this way.
Frasier
[in horror] What are those?
Daphne
Your speakers.
Niles
So, dad, any idea where you are?
Martin
Oh, it's so mysterious. Hay under foot, stable smells, that saddle we just tripped over... I mean, we could be anywhere!
Niles
All right, all right.
Martin
What?
Niles
Voila! [motioning to horse] Happy birthday.
Martin
Agides! Hey, buddy, how are you doing? Oh, long-time-no-see. [to Niles] What's going on?
Niles
He's yours, dad.
Martin
What?
Niles
I bought him for you.
Martin
You're kidding me, I can't believe it!
Niles
You can visit him anytime you want.
Martin
This is amazing. [to Agides] How've you been, buddy, huh? Hey, one plus one equals?
Martin
He remembers!
Niles
I figured it was a long shot when I called but they were a week away from putting him out to pasture, so I set him up here at Brier Wood, it's the most exclusive stable in town. Don't be surprised if you spy a certain resident trotting by wearing his triple crown.
Frasier
They don't give them actual crowns, you twit! [pause] Well, come on, Dad, you don't want to be late for the party, I'm sure Sherry's getting warm in that cake!
Frasier
Dad?
Martin
Huh?
Frasier
Don't want to be late.
Niles
Are you all right, dad?
Martin
Yeah, I'm fine.
Frasier
Are you sure?
Martin
Yeah, I said I was fine. Now, come on, let's go to my party.
Frasier
Is there something you'd like to talk about?
Martin
Oh, now, come on, guys. You don't have to pull everything apart. I said I'm fine, all right? Let's go.
Niles
All that effort, all that expense... How many minutes of joy did it buy?
Frasier
Oh dear God! It's Stonehenge!
Niles
Well, I hope it'll at least cheer dad up. The party certainly didn't.
Frasier
God, I know. Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty she'd composed; "You Can Cop A Feel If I Can Feel A Cop"! Brandy, Niles?
Niles
Please.
Niles
I tried to draw Dad out of the party, he just shot me right down.
Frasier
Well, you know how he is. Gets himself into these moods, he just retreats.
Niles
It's just so damn frustrating. How many wonders if that isn't why we go so insane every year, trying to find the perfect gift, as if somehow finding the right present will magically change everything.
Frasier
The thought occurred to me too.
Niles
You didn't mention it.
Frasier
It occurred to me.
Niles
So you say.
Frasier
Well, it... stop it!
Sherry
Hiya, boys. [notices television and gasps] Wow! She's a beaut! Oh, Marty and I are going to be spending a lot more time over here! [hangs up coat]
Frasier
[to Niles] It's the gift that keeps on giving!
Sherry
Well, where's your dad?
Frasier
He said he was coming home with you.
Sherry
Well, he told me that he was coming home with you.
Niles
Why would he do that?
Sherry
He was a little down at the party. Maybe he just wanted to go for a walk.
Frasier
I'm sure he's all right. He'll be back soon.
Niles
Still, it is rather late. I'll just go and look for him. [heads to door]
Frasier
Oh, suit yourself, Niles. I think you're fretting needlessly.
Sherry
[takes remote] Come on, let's fire this baby up. Do you like the Nashville Network?
Frasier
Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm worried sick!
Martin
Here you go. Hey, no offense, but your teeth look like hell! I gotta tell you, the rest of you's not looking that much better either. Do you want me to give you a little rubdown, huh? [he uses the brush] Ah, that takes me back. Of course, your coat was a lot shinier in those days. Hell, so was mine. [laughs] We were something, weren't we Agides, huh? Riding crowd control. People'd just step aside to let us pass. Now, they're putting you out to pasture and I'm riding the buses. It's fun getting old, isn't it?! Hey, this is a nice place here, you know. I bet you're really going to like it here.
Martin
And you know, if you don't like it here, then we'll do what we said we would. We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch. [the boys are shocked] You know, we still got all that money we took from those drug dealers buried in the old box canyon.
Frasier
[realises] All right, dad, we know you know we're here.
Martin
Well, why don't you get the hell out of here?
Niles
Dad...
Martin
Look, I just want to be alone with him, is that all right with you?
Frasier
All right, fine, we'll see you later. [starts to exit, then] You know, it is a little troubling that you feel more comfortable talking to your horse than you do to your sons.
Niles
Actually, we might be able to help you with what you're going through; the ageing process...
Martin
Now, come on, now, stop it. You see, this is the problem. I know everything you're going to say. First of all, you'll start talking about sixty-five as being some sort of passage. And then you'll start spouting these theories and quoting Freud and who knows what else until by the time you get through analysing me, I'm going to be sixty-six! Look, when I tell Agides something, you know what he does? Nothing. He just listens to me.
Niles
We listen.
Frasier
That's my slogan; "I'm Listening." You know, dad, listening is the foundation...
Frasier
Right.
Niles
Shush.
Frasier
Shush!
Martin
When I saw Agides today, it was kinda of a shock to see how old he's gotten and I just... It made me realise how old I've gotten.
Frasier
Dad, you still have a lot of...
Martin
Now, come on...
Frasier
Sorry, sorry.
Martin
Look, it's not a problem you can solve, Frasier. It's just a fact of life. People get old.
Niles
Well, I guess this horse wasn't quite the banner gift I thought it would be.
Martin
Oh, yes, it was, Niles. I'm feeling a little bit sorry for myself right now, but I'll get over that. But I love this horse, it's the greatest present I've ever gotten.
Niles
Well, I'm glad, dad, but, you know, I think I may have misled you. The horse is from me and from Frasier.
Martin
Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry. Thanks a lot, Fras'.
Frasier
Well, actually, it was mostly Niles's idea.
Martin
Well, then, thanks to both of you.
Martin
It's just great. Well, come on, we ought to get going. Let's get a move on. [to Agides] See ya, buddy. [exits]
Frasier
Niles, what a generous gesture. How can I ever thank you?
Niles
Well... [takes out his mobile] by calling your super and getting rid of that monstrosity in your apartment! I do visit from time to time, you know.