First Date
Aired 28th April 2000 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier
Dear God!
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
It's a minefield out there! Everywhere I go, people are talking about this mini-series I've been watching!
Roz
Oh, yeah! Did you see the ending last night? When that...
Frasier
Bup, bup, bup, bup! I attended a benefit last night. I had to tape it, and I have yet to see it.
Roz
Oh, well who would have thought it? Mr. "PBS" watching a trashy mini-series.
Frasier
I don't think it's trashy at all! In fact, I think the intricacies of the plot are downright Dickensian.
Roz
Yeah, Angie Dickensian!
Frasier
Anyway, I'm just having a very difficult time having a conversation without having to avoid people telling me the ending.
Betty
Hi, Roz! Did you watch last night?
Roz
Yes!
Betty
Wasn't it great when...
Frasier
Yes, goodbye, Betty.
Daphne
Hey, Dr. Crane, how was your day?
Frasier
Interminable! Is the tape in the VCR?
Daphne
Yes, all cued up. Oh, you've got to call me when you get to the part with Heather's baby.
Frasier
[going towards the sherry, turns and stares at her] Heather had a baby?
Daphne
Sorry.
Frasier
Well, who's the father? Oh no, no, no, don't tell me.
Daphne
I'll go put your popcorn in the microwave.
Frasier
Thank you.
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Martin
Look, I got some bad news. I guess there isn't a good way to tell you somethin' like this. Your god-uncle died.
Frasier
[confused] My...god-uncle? [Martin nods] There's no such thing as a god-uncle.
Martin
Yes there is! It's your godfather's brother. You remember your god-uncle Charlie.
Frasier
No! I barely even remember my godfather, he died twenty years ago.
Martin
Oh, yeah? Well now his brother's dead too, so shake a leg! The wake's in twenty minutes.
Frasier
Dad, you know as much as I'd like to pay my respects, catch up with my god-cousins and meet the god-neighbors, I have some urgent business that just can't wait until later.
Daphne
All right, here's your popcorn...and the remote. There, enjoy your show.
Frasier
[getting up] Oh, all right! One hour! I don't even know why I'm going. The man was a ghoul, he used to hide his glass eye in my marble bag!
Martin
[excited] I knew you remembered him!
Martin
Just give me a couple minutes to get changed.
Niles
[coming in] Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Hello, Niles. Ooh, Niles, you'd be smart to get out of here. Dad's dragging me off to a wake for my god-uncle Charlie.
Niles
Is he the one who used to plop his eyeball into his mashed potatoes and say "I'm watching what I eat"?
Frasier
Yes!
Niles
So, is Daphne here?
Frasier
Uh, yes, she is. Why?
Niles
[hanging up his coat] I'm asking her out on a date. And don't give me that look... why shouldn't I? She's single. I'm single. That's what single people do.
Frasier
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Niles
Will you stop it? I'm not talking about eloping here, it's just dinner.
Frasier
Well, all right. I suppose you've thought this through. Maybe it is time.
Daphne
Time for what?
Frasier
Time for me to, uh, put this popcorn away for later.
Daphne
Aren't you going to watch your program?
Niles
Apparently he has to take Dad to a wake.
Daphne
Oh. [She heads for the door.]
Niles
Listen, Daphne. Do you have a minute?
Daphne
[turning back] Sure.
Niles
There's something I wanted to ask you. Nothing earth- shattering, it's just, uh...
Daphne
Yes?
Niles
[after a nervous pause] What's that perfume you're wearing?
Daphne
[smiling] Leave it to you to notice. It's Obsession.
Niles
No! No it isn't! I was just curious.
Daphne
No, I'm quite sure it's Calvin Klein's Obsession.
Niles
Oh, yes! It's very pleasing.
Daphne
I've even spray a bit on my brush and comb it through my hair. Silly really, as if anyone's going to smell my hair.
Frasier
Well, what did she say?
Niles
I couldn't do it! I was about to ask the question, then all I could think of was, what if she said "No'?"!
Frasier
Oh, Niles. No surprise. After all you've been through with Maris, you were just scared of another rejection.
Niles
I was more than scared, I was terrified. I can't go on like this. [He goes to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water.] Worshipping Daphne from afar... Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be completely in love with someone and not be able to tell her how you feel?
Daphne
Sorry. I, I just came back for the fabric softener. I didn't mean... I'm sorry. [She turns and rushes from the kitchen.]
Niles
[completely panicked] Oh, my God!
Frasier
Oh, my God!
Niles
Oh, my God! Frasier, how long was she standing there?
Frasier
I don't know. If I'd known Daphne was standing there, I would have said "Shut up, Daphne's standing there."
Niles
You saw how she ran out of here. She heard. She heard everything.
Frasier
Niles, Niles, Niles. Listen, calm down. Now listen, this may even be for the best. You said you wanted to take the next step.
Niles
Next step?! I was just hurled down the entire flight of stairs! I can't believe this is actually happening! Did Daphne really hear me say that [Daphne comes back in] I'm completely in love with - AAHH!
Daphne
I'm sorry! I really do need that fabric softener.
Frasier
Niles, you've got to talk to her!
Niles
Now?! I can't!
Frasier
If you wait, it will only become incredibly awkward! You can't leave things like this, Niles. [He grabs a sputtering Niles around the shoulders and pushes him towards the living room.] Come on, you've got to resolve it now. Go, go! [Frasier heads for the bedrooms.]
Niles
Daphne!
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, I didn't mean...
Niles
Go ahead.
Daphne
I'm terribly sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to hear that.
Niles
No, I'm glad you heard. It's something I've been wanting to tell you for the longest time.
Daphne
Well, what took you so long? [She smiles.] I think it's wonderful.
Niles
[breaking into a surprised grin] You do?
Daphne
Yes, of course I do! [She puts the softener down and runs to him.] Oh, you dear sweet man, give me a hug!
Daphne
So, who is she?
Niles
[confused] Who?
Daphne
Well, this woman you're so in love with. Who is she?
Niles
[a grin frozen on his face] You didn't hear that part, did you?
Daphne
No, so come on! What's her name? You can't back out now.
Niles
No, you're right, I can't. OK, her name. Well, her name just happens to be Da - Phyllis. [A look of "WHAT did I say?" crosses his brow.]
Daphne
Oh, I've never heard that name. DaPhyllis.
Niles
It's a family name. Her friends call her "Phyllis." 'Scuse me. [He turns and goes to the kitchen.] I'll get some water.
Frasier
Where's Niles?
Daphne
Oh, he's in the kitchen. I'm sorry to barge in on the two of you like that.
Frasier
Oh, that's all right Daphne. Did you and Niles have a little chat?
Daphne
Oh, yes! He was a bit shy at first, but then he came clean. I must say, I couldn't be happier!
Frasier
Well, that is wonderful! Let me be the first to raise a glass to... [Niles charges in from the kitchen, alarm in his eyes and waves him off with a big gesture.] to god-uncle Charlie. You know, Daphne, as long as you're doing the laundry, the kitchen towels could use a washing. Oh, and my oven mitts are getting a bit crunchy.
Daphne
All, right then.
Frasier
What the hell is going on?
Niles
All she heard was that I was in love with someone. She never heard who. And when she asked, I panicked and blurted out the first name that popped into my head - Phyllis.
Frasier
Phyllis?!
Niles
It's a neighbor I saw on the elevator this morning. The woman had a sesame seed stuck between her front teeth. It was the size of a blanched almond.
Frasier
Oh, lord.
Niles
Maybe it was a blanched almond. If she had Muselix for breakfast it could have been...
Frasier
[grabbing his hand] Niles, stop! You have got to clear this up.
Frasier
Oh, well, I'm off to...bring the car around for Dad.
Daphne
Bye-bye.
Niles
Bye.
Daphne
All right now: Tell me more about this Phyllis.
Niles
Oh. Actually, Daphne, I'd rather not.
Daphne
Oh, come on, you said you wanted to talk about it. So, have you asked her out, yet?
Niles
No.
Daphne
And why not? You said yourself you were in love with her. [Martin enters.]
Martin
In love with who?
Daphne
Phyllis.
Martin
Who's Phyllis?
Niles
[getting up] A woman I met.
Daphne
And he's quite keen on her. I've just been giving him some dating advice.
Martin
Oh, Niles. All you need to know is that women go crazy for flattery. It doesn't matter if it's a big fat lie: They'll still buy it. But whatever advice Daphne's giving you too, must be great. 'Cause she's smart as a whip.
Daphne
Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.
Daphne
So, tell me about this dream woman of yours.
Niles
Oh, I don't know.
Daphne
Oh, come on! I can see you're crazy about her.
Niles
Well, all right. She's very beautiful. And very sweet. And she has a smile that makes my knees weaken. [Daphne smiles at this and Niles looks away as his heart speeds up a bit.]
Daphne
You know Dr. Crane, if this woman is as wonderful as you say she is, then you shouldn't waste another moment. She won't be on the market forever.
Niles
You're right. I've been a fool to hesitate as long as I have.
Daphne
That's the spirit!
Niles
I'm gonna do it!
Daphne
Good for you! Don't leave time for second thoughts. [She grabs his coat from the hall.] You go ask her out this instant.
Niles
Daphne, that won't be necessary.
Daphne
I know you're feeling brave, but it's quite nasty out.
Niles
No, you don't understand. I don't have to leave this room to ask "Phyllis" on a date.
Daphne
You don't?
Niles
No, because, [he steels himself] because you see, Daphne: [he looks her right in the eye] I know her work number by heart!
Daphne
Well, then!
Daphne
Oh, look at me! My heart's racing!
Niles
[dialing] Mine, too. Phyllis, hello! Niles Crane! How are you? ... Um, I was wondering if you would want to have dinner with me sometime?
Niles
[voice over from machine] You would? How 'bout tonight at my place? ... Eight o'clock sounds great!
Niles
So, anyway, what would you do, if you were in my position? Would you tell her everything and just let the chips fall where they may, or...? Uh, yeah. Well I do see your point. [Doorbell rings.] I have to run. So, I'll take the three-year subscription and the travel clock.
Niles
Daphne!
Daphne
Hello. I was out doing some shopping, and I, I thought you might need some desert for your big dinner with Phyllis tonight. [She comes in.]
Niles
Oh, yes! Well, I was just doing some last minute tidying up [grabs up the playing cards] for that...
Daphne
And I suppose you've got about eight things cooking on the stove.
Niles
Of course.
Daphne
So, I'll get out of your way. Soon as I pop this in the fridge.
Niles
No, no. Please, don't trouble yourself. I'll do it.
Daphne
Dr. Crane! There's barely enough pasta her for one person. Is this your idea of a romantic dinner?
Niles
Well...
Daphne
Ugh, thank heavens I stopped by. [Opens up the refrigerator.] I can whip up a salad with what's in here, I'll stick this roast in the microwave to defrost, where do you keep the cooking sherry?
Niles
You know what, Daphne, you're right. I am completely under- prepared for this. Why don't I call Phyllis and put her off until next week?
Daphne
You're not backing out of this now! Don't worry, I'll fix this place RIGHT up for a nice intimate evening. Candles, some soft music... I know those things always put me in a romantic mood.
Niles
Well I suppose it would be rude of me to cancel...
Daphne
Course it would. Now hurry up and get ready! And wear that blue blazer of yours, no woman can resist you in that.
Niles
Right.
Daphne
Good lord, look at the time! [She grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him out of the kitchen.] Honestly, Dr. Crane, sometimes I wonder what kind of a fantasy world you're living in. Now go on!
Daphne
Oh, don't you look handsome.
Niles
Thank you. Daphne, this place looks wonderful. And excellent choice of music, I love this aria!
Daphne
Yes, she has a gorgeous voice, doesn't she? It's a pity she never got quite the recognition of a Joan Sutherland or a Renata Tebaldi.
Niles
[surprised at the depth of her comment] I had no idea you knew so much about sopranos.
Daphne
Yeah, well, you don't live with your brother for five years and not learn a thing or two about divas. [They laugh as she moves to the kitchen.] By the way, the roast is coming along nicely. How are you at chopping vegetables?
Niles
Are you kidding? You don't get forearms like these from just... conducting your stereo.
Daphne
Oh, I'm very excited for you. I just love first dates. [They wash their hands in the sink together.]
Niles
I don't see why. They're always so awkward.
Daphne
Yeah, but once in a while, when the chemistry's just right, they can be magical. The "me, too's" as you realize all you have in common, the electricity of that first accidental touch... Soon, you're letting your guard down and saying the silliest things.
Niles
Oh, sorry. You touched me, now we have to get married.
Daphne
[giggling] Here you are. [She hands him a towel. Again, he has a "WHAT did I just say?" look.]
Niles
[brushing past her] Sorry.
Daphne
Sorry. Now, I was thinking for the salad: some cucumbers and carrots. How 'bout some celery? [She begins cutting carrots as he slices the cucumber.]
Niles
Oh, no. No celery, hate the stuff.
Daphne
Me, too. Why do you have it, then?
Niles
I guess it's just habit. Maris used to liked to have it around in case she felt like binging.
Daphne
When I was little, I actually thought celery was the meanest vegetable. Radishes were the smartest, beets were the policemen...
Niles
Do you hear that? We're chopping in rhythm.
Daphne
Yes, we are, aren't we? [To the rhythm of the chopping - ] Dum-da, dum-da, dum-da, dum-da...
Niles
Heart and soul, I fell in love with you, Heart and soul, The way a fool would do...
Both
Madly! Because you held me tight, and stole a kiss in the night!
Niles
Buh-buh-buh...
Niles
Oh, damn! Who could that be?
Daphne
[excited] It's Phyllis!
Daphne
Well go on! Go and let her in. [Pushes him towards the door.]
Niles
[singing under his breath] Go away, whoever's at the door, Go away, And don't come back no more...
Niles
Frasier! I thought you were supposed to be at a wake.
Frasier
We left! Even the mourners were babbling about the mini- series.
Niles
Well, I'm sure you're in a rush to get back home and watch the rest of the show...
Frasier
No, no, Niles. Actually, everybody's heading over to the Kiwanis club to have a post-wake kegger. Could you please take Dad?
Niles
Me?
Frasier
Please!
Niles
Well, they're your god-family!
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane. I thought you were Phyllis.
Frasier
Phyllis?
Daphne
Yeah, she's due any moment, so you better be runnin' along. I'll be leaving meself as soon as the roast is done.
Frasier
Daphne... is cooking dinner... for your date with a fictitious woman. Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?!
Niles
I didn't plan for this to happen, but we are having the most perfect evening! I'm feeling my confidence return, I just need a few more minutes alone, and I'll be able to tell her everything. [The doorbell rings.]
Frasier
Niles, the longer you continue with this absurd lie, the more likely it is to blow up in your face!
Niles
Why are you always such a doomsayer? As long as I keep track of what I'm saying, nothing is going to blow up on anyone! [He opens the door, a woman is standing there.] Phyllis!
Frasier
[whimsically] Ka-Boom!
Phyllis
Hello, Dr. Crane. Some of you mail wound up in my box today.
Niles
Oh, well, aren't you considerate?
Phyllis
[to Frasier] Hello.
Frasier
Hello, I'm Frasier, Niles's brother.
Phyllis
Oh, well, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Niles
As a matter of fact, we...
Daphne
Hello... You must be Phyllis!
Phyllis
Yes. Do I know you?
Daphne
I'm Daphne. [as a private aside] I'm just a friend. [She heads back to the kitchen.] Make yourself comfortable. We were starting to worry about you.
Phyllis
Excuse me?
Daphne
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Phyllis
Well, all right, I guess. I mean I really just came by to drop off...
Daphne
I'll be back in a snap. [She goes into the kitchen.]
Phyllis
That woman seemed to think that you were expecting me.
Niles
Yes, I've been making an effort to meet my neighbors, and I guess you didn't get the invitation.
Phyllis
No. It's just dumb luck that I happened to stop by tonight.
Daphne
Here we are. Now, the appetizers are almost ready, and it won't be too much longer before the roast is done. I hope you're hungry. [She goes back into the kitchen.]
Phyllis
Oh, the invitation was for dinner?
Niles
Yes, but don't you worry about it a bit, we'll do it another time!
Phyllis
Well, I'd love to stay.
Martin
Hey, Niles. Frasier, you comin' or not?
Frasier
In a minute, Dad.
Martin
Oh, Daph! What are you doing here?
Daphne
Helping Dr. Crane with his dinner.
Martin
[to Phyllis] Oh, hi! How ya doin'? Marty Crane.
Phyllis
Hi, I'm Phyllis Conrad.
Martin
Oh, ho, ho. You're Phyllis, hunh?
Daphne
Don't worry, we'll be going soon. I know Dr. Crane's eager to have you all to himself.
Phyllis
Really?
Martin
Oh, yeah, he's been going on about you all week.
Niles
Now, Dad...
Martin
How pretty you are, how nice you dress...
Niles
Dad, you don't want to be late for your kegger...
Martin
Look at him! I've embarrassed him. He's blushing!
Phyllis
He's not the only one!
Niles
Excuse me, Phyllis. Frasier? Could I, uh, just... [jerking his head towards a private corner] You've gotta help me get rid of her!
Frasier
Me?
Niles
Yes!
Frasier
I've got my hands full with Dad.
Martin
So, you really never had any idea he had his eye on you?
Phyllis
Well, I did catch him staring at me in the elevator, this morning. Now I know why.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, would you give me a hand with the appetizers?
Niles
Frasier? [He goes to the kitchen.]
Frasier
Dad? You know, I guess it was time we were going. Maybe you could just press for the elevator and I'll be right there in a minute.
Martin
All right. Very nice meeting you, Phyllis.
Phyllis
Yeah, bye-bye.
Phyllis
Well, I must say: Your brother certainly kept his feelings to himself until tonight.
Frasier
Yes, well, he's always been the quiet type. Especially... since all the trouble with Heather.
Phyllis
Heather?
Daphne
Now remember, the pie should be heated, and there's fresh whipped cream to put on the strawberries. [In a risque voice] Or anything else if the night should take that turn...
Phyllis
[whispering] His wife was poisoned?
Frasier
[also whispering] Don't worry. He stood trial, they never proved a thing.
Niles
Crab puffs?
Phyllis
No. Thank you. I, I just remembered. There is someplace... that I HAVE to be. Thank you very much for the wine. [to herself] Oh my God, I drank the wine!
Niles
Well, thank you! What did you tell her?
Frasier
I'll explain later, Niles. Tell you what, though: don't plan on running for the co-op board here anytime soon.
Daphne
[bringing the salads out] Where'd Phyllis go?
Niles
She left. She said she wasn't feeling well.
Daphne
I hope you don't mind my saying so, you almost seem relieved that she's gone.
Niles
Relieved? Well, Daphne, to tell you the truth, I am relieved.
Daphne
I knew it. This is all my fault.
Niles
Hmm?
Daphne
It's as clear as day, now. You're just not ready for a relationship, and there I was pushing you into it
Niles
Daphne...
Daphne
Even I could see how uncomfortable you were with Phyllis. Well, she must have picked up on that, too, and that's the real reason she left. What was I thinking? [She sits down on the couch.]
Niles
[sitting beside her] No, Daphne, this is not your fault.
Daphne
Yes, but I should have seen. You're on the rebound, you're still vulnerable... That's probably why you have so much trouble asking for a simple date in the first place.
Niles
[realizing] Yes, I, I suppose you're right.
Daphne
I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I guess you just need to take some more time. You know, if you rush things you may end up ruining something that has a real chance. No smart woman would ever get involved with a man that's in the middle of a divorce, anyway. I know I never would.
Niles
Well, thank you, Daphne. This has all been very helpful. [He rises.] AND thank you for everything you did tonight, even if it didn't work out exactly as I'd hoped.
Daphne
Oh, what are friends for?
Daphne
I suppose we should start clearing all this up. [She rises.]
Niles
Actually, Daphne... would you like to stay and have dinner with me?
Daphne
You mean that?
Niles
Yes.
Daphne
Well... yes, that would be lovely.
Niles
Wonderful. May I pour you some wine?
Daphne
Oh, yes. [She goes to him by the bar.] You know, I know it seems hopeless right now, but I have a feeling that before very long you'll be sitting down to a nice, romantic dinner with the woman of your dreams.
Niles
I think you may just be right. Shall we?
Daphne
Oh, thank you.
Daphne
[raising her glass] Here's to us!