Roz And The Schnoz
Aired 5th May 1998 · Written by Jeffrey Richman · Directed by Ken Levine
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Oh, Frasier, listen to this: [reads from paper] "Michael Hawkins of Allentown, Pennsylvania, has agreed to donate his right lung to his younger brother Clovis. Says Hawkins, �I got two lungs, but I only got one brother.'" Isn't that something?
Frasier
It certainly is.
Niles
The love one brother feels for the other.
Frasier
[not surprised] Hmm, what do you want?
Niles
I need you to come to a dog show with me.
Frasier
I would rather give you a lung! [to passing waitress] Latte, please.
Niles
Frasier, I beg you. It's at the Seattle Kennel Club tomorrow night and I can't go alone, Maris will be there.
Frasier
And in what class will Maris be showing?
Niles
She'll be showing no class! [they laugh] As she has ever since she hooked up with that reptile, Dr. Schenkman. This will be my first time seeing them since we filed for divorce.
Frasier
You know, here's an idea, Niles: Don't go!
Niles
I've never missed the kennel club show. If I don't go this year, people will think I've let Maris and Schenkman intimidate me! I want to prove that I'm strong and independent, and I can't do that alone.
Frasier
Well, all right Niles, if it's moral support you need, I'll go with you.
Niles
I'll pick you up around eight.
Frasier
All right.
Niles
[looks at watch] And, I have a patient. [packs things up] Thank you, thank you, I knew I could count on you for this, Frasier. It's nice to know that some things never change.
Roz
Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel room in a hurry?
Niles
Case in point! Goodbye, Roz.
Frasier
Roz, why do you need a hotel room?
Roz
I was supposed to move into my new place today, but they're still painting it. I can't be around those fumes, and they've already rented my old apartment. [to waitress who is bringing Frasier's coffee] Grandé decaf Latte, please. [to Frasier] I am literally on the streets.
Frasier
You just ordered a four-dollar cup of coffee. "On the street" may be a tad dramatic.
Roz
Well, I've got to start calling around, see if I can find something.
Frasier
You know Roz, if you're stuck, my dad's going to San Francisco for the weekend. You can always stay with me.
Roz
Wow! That would sure make things easier. [quick] Okay.
Frasier
[surprised] Well then, that's settled. That's that, then.
Roz
[realizes] Oh, you were just being polite, you didn't really mean for me to take you up on it.
Frasier
[covering] No, no, no, no. I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't something I wanted to do. You should know that.
Roz
All right.
Waitress
[brings coffee and bill] Here you go. There's your check.
Roz
I'll get that.
Frasier
No, no, no, let me get that.
Roz
Okay. [hands it to him]
Frasier
Well then, lucky me - I'm getting everything I want today.
Martin
Well it's about time!
Frasier
Calm down, dad.
Martin
I was starting to get worried.
Frasier
We've got plenty of time.
Martin
My plane leaves at five � clock.
Frasier
I just stopped off for your blood pressure medicine.
Martin
I don't need it!
Frasier
[stressed too] Well, pack it anyway!
Martin
What's this? [opens it] Earrings?
Frasier
Oh, just a little something I picked up for Daphne at the drug store. She ran some errands for me last week.
Martin
Nice. What are they, sapphires?
Frasier
[sarcastic] Yes dad, I always buy precious stones at the same counter I pick up corn pads and Wart Be-Gone!
Daphne
[enters from her room] Shouldn't you two be going?
Frasier
Oh, actually Daphne, we're just on our way but first there's a little something I wanted to give you - just a little token of my appreciation.
Daphne
[excited, takes box] Oh, Dr. Crane, you remembered!
Frasier
Well, of... course I did.
Daphne
Can you believe it was five years ago today that I came to work here? I just knew you wouldn't let an important occasion like this go by unnoticed, but I wasn't expecting a gift.
Frasier
Well, it's a small gift, a tiny gift...
Daphne
[opens the box and is shocked] Oh my God, sapphires!
Frasier
[worried] Well, actually Daphne...
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, these must have cost a fortune!
Frasier
Well, I-
Daphne
[blabbering] You know my friend Molly got a diamond bracelet from her boss but she worked for him for ten years and she was sleeping with him! And now I've got sapphires! And I didn't even have to sleep with you! Although now that I've got the sapphires - Oh God, what am I saying? I'm giddy! Is it rude if I go and try these on? I don't care! I have to see what these look like! I've never had real jewelry, before, never! I'm speechless!
Frasier
Dear God, she believes they're genuine sapphires.
Martin
[sarcastic] Gee, ya think?
Frasier
I'm going to have to tell her the truth.
Martin
Why? Didn't you see how happy she was, just let her enjoy them.
Frasier
I can't let her think I gave her something I didn't. Honesty between friends is far more precious than any gem. I'm sure Daphne feels exactly the same way.
Daphne
I feel like a princess! I'm never going to take them off! Oh thank you, [hugs him] thank you, thank you. [laughs]
Frasier
Daphne, you know, I'm glad you like them...
Daphne
And you even remembered that sapphires are my birthstone. Is there no end to your thoughtfulness?
Frasier
Somebody has to keep track of these things.
Martin
[stressed again] You know, I really should be getting to the airport!
Frasier
All right dad, I'll get my keys!
Daphne
No, no, absolutely not, I'll drive Mr. Crane. From now on you're not lifting a finger around here. [to Martin] You ring for the elevator, I'll just grab my coat.
Martin
All right, but don't dawdle. My flight's at five, they told me to get there an hour early.
Frasier
Did you remember to pack your medicine?
Martin
[stressed] Yes, but I told you, I don't need it!
Roz
Hey, guys.
Martin
Hey, Roz. [notices bags] Frasier, help her with that. [he does]
Roz
Thanks, and thanks for letting me use your room.
Martin
No problem.
Roz
So, you're off to San Francisco.
Martin
Yeah, yeah. Duke and I took our shore leave there in '52. We're going back to retrace out steps.
Roz
That sounds like fun.
Martin
Yeah, yeah. We had a great time that weekend. Back then there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.
Frasier
[with a different meaning] You know dad, I think you'll find that Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
Martin
Well, I hope not! [laughs and enters elevator]
Roz
Bye.
Martin
Bye.
Daphne
Hey, Roz. Just off to the airport, back in a bit, see you later.
Frasier
Come on in, Roz.
Roz
Thanks.
Frasier
Actually, you're here a little earlier than I expected.
Roz
Yeah, I had to get out of the apartment sooner than I thought. I left you a message.
Frasier
Oh, frankly I didn't check my machine all day today.
Roz
Listen Frasier, thank you so much for this. I won't be an imposition, I promise. You won't even know I'm here.
Machine
You have 13 messages. [Frasier looks at Roz]
Roz
I had my calls forwarded, I hope you don't mind.
Marco
[v.o] Roz, it's Marco. I'm coming to town this weekend. Are you busy Saturday night, late? Call me.
Roz
Obviously, Marco and I haven't talked for a long time.
Frasier
Something tells me you never talked for a long time.
Paula
[v.o] Roz, this is Paula Garrett, Rick's mom. [Roz looks up, alarmed] We just found out about the baby and well, we think it's important that we meet you. Uh, we're leaving to see Rick in Paris the day after tomorrow, so anytime before that will be fine. I'm running out now, maybe I'll try you later. [beep]
Roz
Oh my god!
Frasier
Now Roz, just calm down.
Roz
What do they want?
Frasier
Maybe they just want to meet you. They are the grandparents of your child.
Roz
Look, I worked all this out with Rick! He's twenty years old, he's still in college and it's best for everyone if I raise this baby by myself.
Frasier
I know that, but...
Roz
Now I'm supposed to put up with in-laws and I don't even have a husband?! That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. [Frasier is shocked] Shut up! I needed the credits!
Frasier
Roz, listen, all they want is a short meeting.
Roz
Yeah, well, that's what they say now. What if they want another one after that? What if they won't leave me alone, what if - what if they don't think I'm a fit mother?
Frasier
What if they turn out to be nice supportive people that you're glad to have in your life?
Roz
I just don't want to do this, Frasier! It's not comfortable.
Frasier
Oh Roz... You know what, I could go with you, if you like? Oh, better yet, we can have them here tomorrow night. Niles and I have a dog show around eight o'clock. They can come before that.
Roz
I don't know.
Frasier
I'll bet that's Mrs. Garrett.
Roz
I'm not here.
Frasier
[into phone] Hello. Yes, she is. Yes, she did get your message. [Roz signals to him to change] No, no, I'm afraid she won't be able to meet you. Yes I understand that you're upset. I'm terribly sorry, goodbye. [hangs up phone]
Roz
Thank you, Frasier. Thank you.
Frasier
That was Marco, now we're calling Mrs. Garrett.
Roz
All right, give it to me straight. How do I look?
Frasier
Like Pollyanna grew up and got herself into a little trouble.
Roz
Oh, why am I doing this? How did I let you talk me into this?
Frasier
I will mean a lot to them. Besides, it's a chance to learn about your baby's lineage. A lot of things are inherited, you know. Like intelligence, artistic ability...
Roz
Oh God, it's them. I've got to check my makeup.
Frasier
Roz, there's no need to panic. You know, this should be fun! It's like a little preview of who your child might be.
Steve
Hi there, Steve Garrett.
Steve
My wife's just... uh, honey?
Paula
Well, it was nice seeing you too!
Paula
Oh, what a coincidence, your neighbor goes to my hair salon. Hi, I'm Paula. [shaking hands]
Frasier
[recovering] Frasier Crane. Won't you please come in? [they do] Roz'll be out in a second. She just went to powder her... self.
Steve
We hope this isn't too awkward for her. She sounded a little anxious on the phone.
Paula
Then again, who could blame her? She doesn't know what kind of people we are. A situation like this is enough to make anyone a little nervous.
Frasier
Well, actually you know, Roz really isn't the nervous type.
Frasier
Roz, this is Steve and Paula Garrett.
Roz
[astounded] Hi.
Steve
Hi... oh, that's alright Roz, we don't blame you for being shocked.
Paula
I mean, we're used to it. You should see the looks we get.
Steve
You were a little taken aback yourself, weren't you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Oh-ho-ho, certainly not!
Paula
Oh, come on, it's alright! Everyone comments on it.
Frasier
Well, I must admit when I opened the door I...
Paula
[finishes] ...couldn't believe we were old enough to have a twenty year-old son.
Frasier
[lying] Exactly! You know, you both look so young. Don't they, Roz?
Roz
[still astounded] Yes... young. Very, very, young.
Paula
Oh Roz, I can see you're feeling a little uncomfortable, so let's just say, right up front, that we have no intention of intruding on your life.
Steve
Rick told us what a wonderful person you are. We just wanted to meet you and offer any help or support that you think is appropriate.
Roz
[happier and settling down] Thanks. That's very nice.
Daphne
I thought your guests might be a little peckish.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne Moon, Steve and Paula Garrett.
Daphne
Hello, I...
Daphne
I...
Frasier
I know! It's amazing, isn't it? They are actually the parents of a twenty year-old.
Daphne
[glad for the excuse] Amazing.
Frasier
Oh, excuse me. [opens door to Niles] Oh, Niles. You're an hour early.
Niles
I'm sorry - hey, Roz. [to Frasier] Yeah, I thought you might like to grab a bite to eat before the dog show. [notices them] Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you had...
Niles
Had...
Frasier
Company, yes! Steve, Paula Garrett, this is my brother, Niles Crane. The Garretts are the grandparents-to-be of Roz's baby.
Niles
Oh! Well, nice to meet you. [to Daphne] Hey, Daphne.
Paula
Did I hear you mention you're going to a dog show?
Niles
Yes, the Seattle Kennel Club is having its annual event tonight.
Paula
You know, Steve and I went to that a few years ago. We just love dogs! We have two giant Schnauzers.
Steve
My goodness, Paula look at the view!
Frasier
Roz, why don't you show the Garretts the view?
Paula
Oh yes, that would be nice. I could use a breath of fresh air!
Frasier
[snaps] Just stop it, the two of you! My God, you're acting like a couple of two year-olds!
Martin
I'm home.
Frasier
Dad? What are you doing here?
Martin
Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steak house was a sushi bar, and this morning Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kinda like a pep rally or something. So, we joined them. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear and the next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice and all the men are kissing each other and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.
Martin
Well, the whole weekend was like that! Just one surprising event- [turns round] AAH!
Steve
I-I'm sorry, did we startle you?
Martin
Oh, no, no, [making up] I-I didn't know we had company.
Frasier
Dad, Dad, this is Steve and Paula Garrett. They're Rick's parents, you remember Rick?
Martin
Oh sure, yeah! [shaking hands] Hi, how are ya? Nice to meet you, Marty Crane.
Roz
Oh, they're just on their way to Paris to visit Rick.
Martin
Oh, yeah? That sounds like fun.
Paula
Yeah, I'm just a little nervous. I hear the Parisians can be kinda snooty.
Daphne
Excuse me, I've got something in the oven. [turns to the kitchen]
Niles
[getting up] Let me help you.
Martin
Yeah, uh, me too!
Daphne
[whispering] We've got to stop, they'll hear us!
Steve
[o.s., re: quiche] Mmmm, what's that I smell?
Martin
[whispering] Probably Japan!
Frasier
What is the matter with you people?!
Martin
Oh, come on Fras! Don't tell us you don't think this is funny!
Frasier
Not in the slightest! These are two perfectly nice people, who happen to have large noses! The three of you standing in here, sniggering like school childen! Well, all right, fine. If you can't get yourselves under control you can just stay in here!
Frasier
Quiche Lorraine, anyone?
Steve
Quiche her? I hardly know her!
Paula
Oh, Steve!
Frasier
[polite laugh]
Steve
[puts nose over it] Boy, that smells wonderful.
Paula
[with nose over it] Does it ever.
Paula
Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
Steve
Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.
Paula
Me nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.
Steve
Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey!
Paula
Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
Martin
Something wrong, Fras?
Frasier
[laughing] "Quiche her? I hardly know her!" [everyone laughs] I just got that!
Frasier
You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.
Roz
Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... a nose like an [angry] ANT- EATER!
Frasier
Frankly Roz, I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. As I remember, Rick had a perfectly fine nose, and so do you. I'm sure your baby's going to have one too.
Roz
Maybe you're right. If Rick can beat those genes, my baby has a chance.
Paula
So, how long have you been working for Dr. Crane?
Daphne
Five years just yesterday. In fact, he gave me a beautiful pair of sapphire earrings to mark the occasion.
Niles
[unbelieving] Frasier gave you sapphires?
Frasier
[worried] Who's for coffee?
Steve
I'll take some.
Paula
You know, you really must show those earrings to my husband. He's a jeweler, you know. He could probably even tell you what mine the stones came from.
Frasier
[nervous] Well, you know, maybe coffee's a bad idea if you've got that early flight in the morning. Daphne, could you just take this back into the kitchen for me?
Daphne
[feels ear] Oh dear, one of my earrings has gone! It must have fallen off somewhere!
Paula
We'll help you find it.
Steve
[on his knees] What does the earring look like?
Frasier
No, no, that's not really necessary. Once you've seen one sapphire, you've seen them all.
Steve
Well, that's not exactly true, they vary widely in quality.
Frasier
[pulls him to his feet] You know, why don't you just get up? You have to get going, you know, we have plenty of people in order to form a search party. [laughs] And you know, we'll just trample each other. Well, good night.
Paula
Alright, we are going to have a big day tomorrow.
Frasier
Uh-huh, and you might as well get a little sleep before you take off.
Steve
You know, if you can't find that earring, I might be able to replace it. Can I see the other one?
Daphne
Oh, [begins to take it off].
Frasier
[quickly picks up something] I've got it! Here it is. Bon voyage!
Daphne
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Alright, Daphne, just a second. [to the couple] Well, listen, it was wonderful of you to come.
Steve
Thank you for having us. Roz, it was great meeting you.
Paula
Our door is always open.
Roz
Thank you. You guys have a great trip.
Frasier
Goodnight. [shuts door on them]
Daphne
Goodnight.
Steve
Goodnight.
Daphne
Can I have it then?
Frasier
[opens his hand] Oh, I'm sorry, it's just a piece of lint. Well, the search continues.
Daphne
I feel just terrible! The one precious thing that anyone has ever bought me in my whole stinking life, and I lose it.
Niles
Daphne, I found it. [hands it to her]
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane, I could kiss you!
Niles
Okay. [she hugs and kisses him]
Daphne
What's this?
Niles
[nervous] Nothing.
Daphne
[looks at ring] The setting's come loose. It's only blue on top, the bottom's all coppery. Dr. Crane...
Frasier
I know what you're thinking Daphne, and you're right. Obviously I...
Daphne
You've been swindled! Where did you buy these? I want to take these back and tell that lying cheat exactly what I think of him.
Frasier
Actually, you just did.
Daphne
You knew? [silence]
Roz
[embarrassed by scene] Uh, Niles, how about a cup of coffee?
Niles
[not about to miss this] Thanks, Roz, cream and sugar.
Frasier
I'm terribly sorry, Daphne, I meant to tell you eventually.
Niles
You didn't need to. Her earlobe's already turning green.
Frasier
Shut up, Niles! You see Daphne, the truth is, I didn't remember your anniversary and well, I saw them and I thought they were pretty, so I bought them for you. You thought they were genuine, you seemed so happy...
Daphne
They are pretty. I suppose I can have them repaired. I'll just take them back to the jewelry store.
Frasier
[stares at her] Actually, I bought them at Raymond's.
Daphne
Raymond's drug store?
Niles
Well, the good news is that they'll carry something for that ear infection-
Frasier
SHUT UP!
Paula
It's us again! Gee, I almost forgot. Roz, I brought you something. I thought you might get a kick out of these. Here are some pictures of Ricky when he was a boy. [hands them over]
Roz
Oh, thank you, that is so nice of you. [looks] Well, where is he? I don't see him.
Steve
[points] There, in the middle.
Roz
Oh... he looks so different.
Steve
Oh, right, that was before his hockey accident. The nose job changed his whole face.
Paula
I mean, not that the doctor didn't do a good job, but that's the Ricky you'll see in the baby.
Roz
Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Paula
Oh, you're welcome. And bye again.
Frasier
Take care.
Steve
Thanks.
Frasier
Good to see you.
Roz
Oh my GOD!
Frasier
Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!
Roz
No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!
Frasier
Please.
Niles
Where is the end of it?
Daphne
Oh, Roz, you're not still looking at that picture, are you?
Roz
Nope, this is a different one.
Daphne
[looks] Oh dear, look at the way the ears on this poor little girl stick out.
Roz
It's me. Aged nine, the year before I got them fixed.
Daphne
[laughs] Sorry, Roz, I didn't recognize you with those glasses. Why is one side blacked out?
Roz
I had a lazy eye.
Roz
I got that fixed the next year. Let's just say for birthdays I wasn't asking for ponies.
Daphne
[laughs] You poor thing.
Roz
I'm just sitting here thinking, what if my kid gets Rick's nose, and my ears and eyes? Throw in my grandfather's third nipple, I might as well pitch a tent and charge admission.
Daphne
Oh come on, nothing like that's going to happen.
Roz
I just hate the idea of my kid being teased. [sighs] I know what that's like. As long as my baby's in here [rubs her womb] I can protect it from anything. But pretty soon this kid's going to be out there on his own.
Daphne
Every child goes through a bit of teasing. I mean, it's a part of growing up. At least yours will be lucky enough to have a mother who understands what it feels like. And you'll know just what to say to make it all better.
Roz
I really hadn't thought of it that way.
Daphne
Well, I'm pretty good at finding the positive in things. I mean, look at what happened to me tonight; I could say, here I've worked for someone for five years and he forgot my anniversary and bought me a worthless piece of blue glass. But I'd rather say he gave me a nice pair of earrings just because he thought I'd like them. Which is really rather sweet when you think about it.
Roz
Yeah well, Frasier will be pleased to hear that!
Daphne
Oh, I'm not going to tell him! [they laugh] Well, I'm ready for bed.
Roz
Yeah, me too. [they stand] Thanks again, Daphne.
Daphne
Yep, you're welcome.
Roz
Ooh! I just felt a big kick.
Daphne
You sure it wasn't a sneeze?
Roz
Oh, ha-ha!
Daphne
[laughing] That's the last one, I promise!