The Life Of The Party
Aired 12th May 1998 · Written by Suzanne Martin · Directed by Jeffrey Richman
Martin
Geez, look at this stuff. "Golden Sunset Retirement Village," "Investments for Seniors," "Willow Brook Mortuary"? What the hell kind of list am I on?
Daphne
Well, the good news is I don't think it's the kind of list they keep you on very long.
Martin
Oh, ever since I turned sixty-five, all I get is geezer mail. It's very depressing.
Daphne
If you ask me, the only thing depressing about being a geezer is looking like one. There's lots of things a person can do to make himself look younger. How he dresses...
Martin
Nah, I tried those Jordache jeans. I just think you oughta leave somethin' to the imagination.
Daphne
Well, there's always your hair. I know it's not exactly your style, but there's nothing wrong with covering up that gray. [Martin makes a face.] I know just the right shade for you: cinnamon sable.
Martin
[thoughtfully] Cinnamon sable, huh? Sounds nice. Oh wait! I couldn't use that, it's Duke's shade. He'd scratch my eyes out.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
[holding up a folder] Frasier, prepare to salivate!
Frasier
Niles, if that is a picture of your new Biedermeier loveseat, you've already shown it to me.
Niles
[pulling out a photo] No, this is a photo of my latest purchase: an exquisite, eighteenth-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
Frasier
Certainly worked for the dealer. Oh, I'm sorry Niles, I'm just not in the best of moods. I just had another disastrous blind date today.
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry.
Frasier
I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee!
Niles
It's easy for those men to attract women, they have all that time to work out in the yard.
Frasier
I'm serious. I'm getting desperate here.
Niles
Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end.
Frasier
Oh, really. Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?
Niles
That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with sex.
Frasier
Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer... a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
Niles
Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly.
Frasier
Take heart, Niles. We're both in the same boat. The hard part is, where do you go to meet people?
Daphne
Oh, it's not that hard. Just yesterday I met a very nice man at the grocery. We got to talking, and he asked me if I was free Saturday night. I said, "Yes." He said, "Oh, wait, that's my niece's bat mitzvah." I said, "I've never been to a bat mitzvah." He said, "Would you like to go to the bat mitzvah?" I said, "Oh, yes. I'd love to go to the bat mitzvah." So he said...
Frasier
Daphne?
Daphne
Yes?
Frasier
Oh, nothing, I'm sorry. Go on.
Daphne
Hmm... Oh, I seem to have lost my train of thought. Oh, well. Anyone like some tea?
Both
Oh, love some/Thank you, yes.
Frasier
A little trick I discovered a few weeks ago, it's a lifesaver. Anyway, as I was saying, where does one go to meet available women?
Niles
There are singles bars, of course. Uh, we could join a health club.
Frasier
Oh, there's a splendid idea. Yes, I can just picture the two of us: tank tops and spandex. Find us a pair of matching headbands, we might as well just sterilize ourselves!
Martin
[coming from the kitchen] Wow, sounds like fun, Daph. [muttering] If she says "bat mitzvah" one more time... Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey Dad. [to Frasier] Well, if you're so smart, you come up with an idea.
Martin
What're you guys talkin' about?
Frasier
Oh, just our pathetic love lives.
Martin
Well, you know, why don't you do what my buddies and I used to do when we were young and hard up for dates?
Frasier
Invade Korea? [Niles bursts out laughing.]
Martin
No, we threw a party. With just one rule: only single, available people were invited.
Frasier
Well, I don't know, Dad. That doesn't really sound like us.
Martin
Well, I don't know, it works. I used to throw one a month. People used to call them Marty Parties. People would call me up and say, "Hey, Marty, when's the next Marty Party?" "Isn't it about time for another Marty Party?" "Sure had a great time at that last Marty Party!"
Frasier
Uh, Dad?
Martin
Yeah?
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry, nothing.
Martin
Or somebody might say, "Can I host the next Marty Party?"
Frasier
[to Niles] It doesn't always work.
Niles
Yeah. Thanks Dad, but I don't think we're really quite hard-up enough yet to stage a singles party.
Martin
OK, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti and you guys set up the card table. [tone becomes starker] I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."
Frasier
I'll send the invitations.
Niles
I'll call the caterer. DOES HE OR DOESN'T HE?
Niles
Hello, welcome, please come in.
Frasier
Niles, this is wonderful. I had no idea we'd get such a turnout.
Niles
I know! Everywhere I look, there's another woman I want to get to know better.
Niles
With some obvious exceptions. [He walks off.]
Frasier
Roz, I didn't know you were coming.
Roz
Hey, I know it's a long shot, but I figured I better get out and do a little flirting, before I forget how.
Waiter
Can I offer you something?
Frasier
My God, Roz, you are rusty.
Roz
By the way, I know you've been striking out a lot lately, but I invited someone tonight guaranteed to improve your batting average.
Frasier
Not necessary, Roz. I've already met someone quite captivating...
Tina
Hi, Roz!
Roz
Tina, you made it.
Tina
Oh, you know me. Have I ever said 'No' to a good time?
Roz
That's what I was trying to tell Frasier. Tina Cramer, meet Dr. Frasier Crane. [They shake.]
Frasier
Hello.
Tina
Doctor, huh? [Roz walks away.]
Frasier
Yes, that's right. Roz? Roz?
Tina
Ooh, strong hands. I guess it's true what they say: strong hands, strong mind.
Frasier
Yes, well, that's why you'll never see an unopened pickle jar at a Mensa meeting.
Tina
Huh?
Roz
Excuse me. Oh, excuse me.
Roz
Martin?
Martin
You're lookin' at my hair, right?
Roz
Well, yeah. Looks great.
Martin
Thanks. I did it myself.
Roz
Get out.
Martin
Yeah, yeah, really. Well, Daphne suggested it, and at first I said, "No way," but then I thought well, you know, a lot of other guys do it, and what better place to try it than here, where nobody knows who I am? Boy, you look great, too.
Roz
Oh, thanks. Yeah, I was really happy with this dress. You can't even tell I'm pregnant in it.
Martin
I know. I mean, it's just... Well, you have a great time at the party, the dress looks great, nobody'd know.
Roz
Same with your hair, looks completely natural.
Martin
Thanks.
Martin
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Martin
Hey watch that "Dad" business. I've got a few young ladies around here thinking I just might be your brother.
Niles
[deadpan] Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror.
Martin
What's the matter, aren't you having any fun?
Niles
Oh, sort of. It's just been so long since I've been single, I'm finding it hard to strike up conversations.
Martin
Oh, come on, now, it's nothing. You just need a little confidence. Here, watch this.
Martin
Hi there.
Vickie
Hi.
Martin
I'm Marty Crane, and this is my son Niles. Yep, my son.
Vickie
Hi, Vickie Cantrell. You're the host.
Niles
Yeah.
Vickie
I was just admiring your beautiful Turkish rug.
Niles
Thank you!
Vickie
Is that eighteenth century?
Niles
Yes, it is. You have quite an eye.
Vickie
Well, I work for an auction house. I would love to see some of your other pieces.
Niles
Well, It would be my pleasure. You know there's an absurd old legend about that rug that whatever you pray for... [As they walk along, Vickie puts her arm in his.] Well, perhaps it's not that absurd after all.
Frasier
Roz! Roz, that woman is all over me.
Roz
Well, of course she is! Didn't you get what I was trying to tell ya?
Frasier
Yes of course I got it! I also got it when she showed me how she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue.
Roz
That's a party trick.
Frasier
Except the cherry was in my mouth at the time! Roz, I already tried to tell you that I've met a woman tonight.
Roz
All right. I'll go talk to her.
Frasier
Thank you. [Roz walks off, Niles comes up.]
Niles
Oh, Frasier.
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
I'm so glad we had this party! I just met the most fabulous woman.
Frasier
Oh that's fabulous.
Niles
[to bartender] Two white wines.
Frasier
I also met someone who's terrific.
Niles
Oh, wait, wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.
Frasier
Right, so's mine.
Niles
Frasier, let me ask you something: At what point would you like to acknowledge that we're both waving to the same woman? [He spins around.] I saw her first!
Frasier
That's not fair! You're the host, you see everyone first!
Niles
There are plenty of other women here!
Frasier
Exactly, so go pick one!
Niles
Oh, let's just stop this. The only civilized thing to do is for us to both stay away from her. We are psychiatrists, not a couple of rutting pigs in a barnyard. What do you say to that?
Frasier
Soo-eee.
Niles
Very well, may the better man win.
Roz
Frasier, your father wants you.
Niles
Ah, advantage Niles! [He grabs the wine and heads off.]
Frasier
What?
Martin
I want you to meet a big fan of yours. Kathy Lockher, this is my son, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Kathy
I was just telling your father how much I love your show. You're such a good listener.
Frasier
Uh-huh.
Kathy
Just yesterday, you gave the best advice to that woman who called in with a problem about her teenage son. What was it you said, exactly?
Frasier
[watching Niles and Vickie] Oh, what do I ever say? You're in denial, seek help, whatever, blah, blah, blah. [He walks away.]
Kathy
He's a little different from what I expected.
Martin
Yeah, he's not what I expected either, but you get used to it.
Kathy
So, you were telling me about being a detective.
Martin
Oh, yeah, yeah, I... say, do you ah, feel like getting a drink?
Kathy
Yeah, that'd be nice, Marty.
Martin
OK, let's go.
Martin
You know, this is such a prime spot here, I think one of us should stay here and one of us should get the drinks.
Kathy
You're right.
Martin
So, I'll have a beer.
Kathy
[unsure] OK. [She gets up.] Oh, shoot, I think I lost an earring.
Martin
Oh, oh, there it is, by my foot. [Kathy looks expectantly at him. He flicks the earring to her with his foot.] There you go.
Kathy
Thanks. Enjoy the party.
Kathy
These eggrolls are delicious.
Niles
I, uh, made them myself.
Kathy
Really, a psychiatrist and a chef? Impressive.
Niles
Yes, well they both came in handy when I cured the ham.
Frasier
Hello Niles.
Niles
What do you want?
Frasier
Actually, there's something of an emergency in the kitchen.
Niles
Oh, that's very cadgy, Frasier. Why don't you just run out and yell "Fire?"
Niles
Dear God. Excuse me, Vickie, for just for a moment.
Vickie
Of course.
Vickie
Is it a serious problem?
Frasier
Oh, no. He's always run like that. Oh, oh you mean the kitchen. No, no, Niles can handle it.
Vickie
You two seem very close.
Frasier
Oh, yes. I'm his best friend. Well, his only friend really.
Vickie
Well that surprises me. He seems very outgoing.
Frasier
Doesn't he, though? Yes, the medication seems to be working wonders. Just hope he sticks with it this time. Well, shall we hit the buffet?
Roz
What a great story.
Man
Thanks, this is fun.
Roz
Yeah.
Man
I usually hate these kinds of parties.
Roz
Oh, me too. People are always so superficial.
Man
Yeah, seems like everybody nowadays is all about appearances. Well, shall we get a drink?
Roz
Yeah, sure.
Roz
I'm not really very thirsty.
Man
Me either.
Roz
OK.
Man
See ya.
Frasier
Then I top it all off with brandied cherries and a dollop of creme fraiche.
Niles
Excuse me, Frasier.
Frasier
Not now Niles. I'm telling Vickie my recipe for crepes cateau.
Niles
Oh, I'm sure she's had enough of your crepes by now. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but I believe Dad needs you, Frasier.
Frasier
No, he doesn't.
Vickie
Oh, I think he might. [Martin is frantically waving at Frasier.]
Frasier
All right, then. If you will excuse me.
Vickie
Do you live with your father, Niles?
Niles
[laughing] Oh, no. A grown man, live with his father? Frasier lives with Dad. Champagne?
Vickie
Oh, yes.
Frasier
What is it?
Martin
You gotta get me home!
Frasier
Why?
Martin
Well, something's happening with my hair dye. It's melting or somethin'. Look at this stain! [indicating chair, not his head] It must look terrible.
Frasier
No, no it doesn't actually. It looks terrific.
Martin
You sure?
Frasier
Well, maybe the fire is making you perspire just a little bit. Here.
Frasier
Well, actually you look quite young and attractive. You know by the warmth of the fire glow, I'd say that you actually look like you're back in your Marty Party days.
Martin
You're not BSing me?
Frasier
No, no.
Martin
OK, then, I'll stay.
Frasier
Great!
Frasier
Vickie. Hello, where's Niles?
Vickie
Oh, he had to take a call.
Frasier
Oh, well, that's terrific. Ah, would you be interested in maybe finding some place where we could talk, just the two of us, no interruptions?
Roz
Frasier.
Frasier
Not now, Roz.
Roz
Come here.
Frasier
Can't you see I'm busy?
Roz
My water just broke!
Frasier
Well... maybe you sat in something.
Niles
[hollering from a corner] Oh my God, what's all over my Turkish prayer rug?!
Roz
You gotta get me to a hospital.
Frasier
Yes, yes, I'm sorry, of course. Vickie, Vickie? If you'll excuse us, my friend Roz just went into labor.
Vickie
Oh, how exciting! Good luck.
Roz
Thanks.
Frasier
Oh, wait, wait just one second. Vickie, I know this may not be the most appropriate moment, but I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to have dinner with me sometime.
Vickie
Oh, well, that's very sweet of you, Frasier, but I'm not really interested.
Frasier
Oh, well, thank you for your honesty. [to Roz] My God! What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
Roz
Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't - BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!!
Frasier
How's the coffee, Dad?
Martin
Better. This time it's hot and it's got extra cream. Of course, it's still chicken soup.
Frasier
Well, who needs coffee when we can keep alert by perusing these very up-to-date magazines? [picks one up] Oh, look, Dad. That cute Tricia Nixon's getting married.
Frasier
Oh, excuse me? May we get an update on Roz Doyle?
Nurse
Sure. [checks her clipboard] Uh, she is still in early labor. Hang in there.
Frasier
Thank you.
Martin
She's pretty. I should make a play for her — considering how young and attractive I am tonight!
Frasier
I said I was sorry! Not half as sorry as I was when I went over that speed bump and you left a head print on the ceiling of my BMW.
Niles
Ah, hello.
Martin
Hi.
Frasier
Hello, Niles. Didn't expect to see you here.
Niles
Oh, well, the doorman found Roz's purse in the lobby. I thought she might need it.
Frasier
I suppose you also came to gloat. You got Vickie, I didn't.
Niles
[sitting down between them] Neither of us got Vickie. She went home with the bartender.
Frasier
Really? Well, you know what I say? Her loss.
Niles
Absolutely right. Her loss! [pause] Has saying that ever made you feel any better?
Frasier
Not a whit.
Martin
It's been a hell of a night for all of us.
Niles
Well, it certainly was for me. I lost Vickie, my rug is ruined, someone left weird brown stains on my wing chair...
Daphne
Hello.
Daphne
Yes, I came down as soon as I heard. [She notices Martin.] What the hell happened to your hair?
Martin
Well, what do you think? I colored it, just like you told me to.
Daphne
Yeah, but this isn't cinnamon sable.
Martin
Well, I couldn't use that, it had a woman's picture on the box. So I used some stuff called "Color In A Can" instead. It said "As seen on TV - Just spray on and go." How did I know it was a lousy product?
Frasier
If only there had been some clue!
Martin
Don't you start on me, mister, you left me melting by that fire.
Niles
Wait a minute! You're the one who left stains on my wing chair!
Frasier
I was wondering when you'd crack that, Miss Marple!
Daphne
Stop it! What is wrong with the three of you?! Our friend is having a baby in there!
Niles
I'm sorry, Daphne, we've all had dreadful evenings, but you're absolutely right. We should be thinking of Roz. [They all sit.]
Daphne
Exactly. Besides, nobody could've had as horrendous an evening as I did. I got stood up. At a bat mitzvah! I waited there an hour. Oh, he left some lame excuse on the machine, but if he thinks he's got another chance with me, he's meshugge.
Frasier
Oh, boo-hoo, anyway. At least you had a date tonight!
Niles
Oh, at least your apartment wasn't decimated!
Martin
I went to a party tonight with shoe polish on my hair!
Nurse
That's it, breathe. You're doing great.
Nurse
She's very tired, so I'll have to ask you to make it quick.
Frasier
OK.
Frasier
Roz. Congratulations.
Martin
Oh, look at her!
Niles
Oh, she's beautiful.
Daphne
Mazel tov!
Frasier
It's a long story.
Daphne
So, what's her name?
Roz
Alice. Alice May Doyle. My daughter. My God, it's the first time I've ever said that.
Martin
Well, you look great. How do you feel?
Roz
Oh, fine. Just a little tired.
Martin
Sure.
Daphne
Maybe we should go.
Frasier
Right.
Daphne
I'll drop by and see you tomorrow, OK?
Roz
OK.
Martin
[reaching out] You know, I sure would love to hold her for just a second?
Frasier
[intercepting and taking Alice] You know, maybe we should just wait until you're not dripping toxins.
Martin
Oh. OK, we'll see you, then.
Niles
Congratulations.
Frasier
I'll be along in a second.
Frasier
Oh, Roz. Congratulations again. I'm so proud of you. Your little girl is just perfect.
Roz
[strokes Alice's head] She is, isn't she?
Frasier
Mm-hmm. My God, look at your face.
Roz
Oh, yeah, I must look real lovely.
Frasier
Yes, that's exactly how you look: lovely. I don't think I've ever seen your face more purely happy than right now.
Frasier
Oh, little Alice, how I wish you could wake up right now and see how beautiful your mother looks. [Roz is now dead asleep, head thrown back and snoring.] Then again, you need your rest.
Frasier
[sotto voce] You did great, honey. [He kisses her on the forehead] Sleep well. [He turns and notices the nurse.] Oh, hello.
Nurse
Hi.
Frasier
This may seem like an odd time to ask you this, but I was convinced that we sort of made some eye contact in the waiting room and I was wondering if I could get your number.
Nurse
[thinking Roz is his wife] What about your...?
Frasier
Oh, no, forget about her, she's asleep.
Nurse
What kind of monster are you?! [She leaves in a huff.]
Frasier
Her loss.