Party, Party

Frasier

Tricia...I am so very sorry. Have you been waiting long?

Tricia

Well, let's see: we were supposed to meet at noon and it's now quarter to one.

Frasier

Well, I do apologize, it's just that the most extraordinary thing happened.

Tricia

Well, at least I'll get a colorful anecdote out of this. What was it?

Frasier

My watch stopped.

Tricia

[rising] I gotta go.

Frasier

No, no, no, no. That really is extraordinary. You see, it's a very fine Swiss timepiece, it only loses a minute per decade.

Tricia

And you've had it for what? Four hundred and fifty years? I'm sorry Frasier, I have an appointment at one.

Frasier

No, no, no, please, please, let me have another chance. I so enjoyed meeting you last night, I'd love to get to know you better.

Tricia

Well, I suppose even Swiss watches sometimes stop.

Frasier

You'd be amazed how much fondue gets overcooked that way. [They laugh.] Listen, how about lunch tomorrow? I know the maitre d' over at the Le Petite Bistro, he'll give us the best table in the house. Please?

Tricia

Well, OK. I'll meet you there at one. That's when the little hand is on the one...

Frasier

Yes, yes, I know, I know. [as she leaves] See you then.

Niles

Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Thank god you have room. I just spent ten stupefying minutes sharing a table with a taxidermist. I swear, he doesn't have to stuff his trophies, he can just bore them stiff. Who was that woman?

Frasier

Actually, a young woman I met during intermission at the opera last night. I swear, Niles, it was remarkable. Our hands touched, there was a spark. After ten minutes of conversation, I knew I had to know this young woman better. Ever experience that sort of thing?

Niles

Actually, yes, I do know a thing or two about the spark of attraction.

Frasier

[to waiter] Oh, excuse me, may I have non-fat cappuccino, please? Well, what am I to deduce, that you've recently gotten lucky?

Niles

Yes! And here's the kicker: she lives in your building. Five floors down, Allison Landis.

Frasier

Well, you little sneak. I don't even know the woman. How did you two meet?

Niles

Well, we were just chatting on the elevator. I walked her to her car, where it turned out she'd locked her keys inside. My resourcefulness saved the day...

Frasier

What'd you do, fish them out with a coat hanger?

Niles

No, I called the auto club. Where would I find a coat hanger? Anyway, she invited me to join her for lunch, we hit it off. The next night, I took her to dinner, one thing led to another, and soon, there was no need for words.

Frasier

Except for your frantically babbled "Thank you's."

Niles

Oh, well. I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.

Frasier

Which is more than can be said for your squash game.

Niles

It's funny - I've been away from the seduction scene so long I was worried I had started to lose my technique? Were those fears ever groundless. You know, it's like French, you can go without speaking it for years, then just a few hours on the old boulevarde d'amour and you, ah... [Frasier rises.] Where are you going?

Frasier

To sit with the taxidermist.

Frasier

I can't believe this has happened to me two days in a row!

Niles

Frasier, you had car trouble, it can happen to anyone.

Frasier

I hope she's still sitting at Le Petite Bistro.

Daphne

Oh, she isn't.

Frasier

What?

Daphne

If you're talking about someone named Tricia, she called To say she was leaving the restaurant. She also said you were right about the table: that it was a beautiful table in a prime location, and that she wished you were laid out dead on top of it.

Frasier

[dialing] Oh, God. Ah, it's her machine. Hello, Tricia, it's Frasier. Look, I'm, I'm terribly sorry but it's just my car battery went dead at a light, and I didn't have my cell phone with me. By the time I got a jump I realized I couldn't go directly to the restaurant because I was wearing these ridiculous shorts, and I, I know how this sounds, but it's the truth! Here, just ask my brother. [He holds the phone out to Niles.]

Niles

He's right, they're ridiculous shorts.

Frasier

Anyway, please give me one more chance. I'll go anywhere, anytime, just, uh, give me a call. Please. [he disconnects]

Niles

May I have the phone?

Frasier

[handing it over] Of course. God, I had such high hopes for this young woman, now I've gone and blown it twice. Whom are you calling?

Niles

[dialing] Allison. It's been hours since we spoke. [into the phone, in a risqué voice] Hello, there. How ya feeling? Uh-huh. Me too. [holding his back] Yeah, me too.

Frasier

[grabbing him] Oh for God's sake, take it in my bedroom! You're makin' the dog twitch!

Martin

Frasier, you're gonna be so excited when you hear what I got planned for your birthday!

Frasier

Oh, Dad, please, I thought I said I didn't want any fuss this year.

Martin

Well, get ready to change your mind, 'cause I scored tickets, Friday night, to the best show in town. [He takes two tickets out of his pocket and holds them up.]

Frasier

Chimps on Ice? Oh, my.

Martin

Yeah, now I know this doesn't sound like your cup of tea, but trust me on this. Duke saw this last week and he busted a gut.

Frasier

Well, Dad...

Martin

[grabbing his coat] And mind you, he even saw it with the understudy.

Frasier

Dad, look, you know, I really don't feel like going out on my birthday this year.

Martin

Oh, are you sure?

Frasier

Yes, I actually had made plans already. I was gonna stay in and watch television. The opera is mounting a new production of "Cosi van Tutti."

Martin

Oh, well no wonder then. OK, but you're missing a real treat. Duke said in the finalé, the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, then Splat! right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.

Frasier

No. And Mozart's still kicking himself.

Martin

Come on, boy. [He leaves with Eddie.]

Niles

[coming back] Frasier? Are you familiar with the Safari Club?

Frasier

Of course I'm familiar with them. Their yearly expeditions are remarkable.

Niles

They're more than remarkable! They're the stuff of legend. Last year, they made camp at the base of Mount Everest, then had their servants climb it while they held a wine tasting.

Frasier

So why are you telling me this?

Niles

Because, Allison is a member. This Friday night, they're having a black tie reception at her place downstairs, and we're invited!

Frasier

That's incredible! Oh my goodness!

Niles

Consider it your birthday present.

Frasier

Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. But wait, gee, I told Dad I was gonna stay home that night. You mustn't tell him about this.

Niles

Oh, don't worry. He'll never suspect. I told him yesterday I was going to be away for the weekend.

Frasier

Great. Perfect. But wait a minute: you knew about this yesterday?

Niles

Uh, no. But I knew about Chimps on Ice.

Niles

I am so looking forward to this. I understand one of the members is going to show an old film he made of the rare and endangered species found only in the rain forest. Maris would have loved it. [He rings the doorbell.]

Frasier

Oh, why so?

Niles

She had shoes made from almost all of them.

Niles

Allison. [He hugs her.]

Allison

Niles. And this must be Frasier.

Frasier

Hello.

Allison

Come in, both of you. There are lots of people I'd like you to meet.

Allison

The bar is over there, and the hors d'oeuvres are over here. We have some fascinating delicacies actually bagged by our own members. This is ostrich, that's wildebeest, and that's springbok.

Frasier

You know, I can never remember which... Is it "Fall ahead, Springbok" or vice versa? [They laugh, Frasier's cell phone starts ringing.] Oh, oh good heavens, I forgot I had this on me.

Allison

Don't apologize. I do it myself. Even in the veldt, one must keep in touch with one's broker. Here, you can have privacy in the study.

Frasier

[moving off] Thank you. Hello?

Niles

You look ravishing.

Allison

Thank you, but listen, I think you and I should be very discreet tonight.

Niles

Oh, I'm a psychiatrist. If I can't be discreet, it don't rain in Tanganyika.

Allison

Good. After all, if in the near future you should happen to be up for membership in our little club, I want to appear completely objective when I sing your praises.

Niles

My ears are already burning.

Niles

Frasier! We're being considered for membership. Allison as much as said it. We must do everything in our power to show them how enthusiastic we are.

Frasier

I have to leave.

Niles

What?!

Frasier

Niles, that was Tricia on the phone. She's going out of town tonight for a month. But if I swing by, pick her up at her place, pick her up, we can at least join each other for a drink.

Niles

Are you insane? This is the Safari Club. These are the people who introduced badminton to Devil's Island.

Frasier

I don't care! It was kismet when I met this young woman, I'm not giving up an opportunity to see her!

Niles

But, to leave two minutes after you arrived, you're going to ruin both our chances!

Frasier

All right, I'll make a proper excuse. Excuse me, Allison? I'm terribly sorry, it seems I'm coming down with a touch of something, I'm going to have to leave.

Allison

You poor man. If you feel better, please do come back down. We'll be here all evening.

Frasier

Thank you, but I, I don't really see that there's much hope.

Frasier

Yes, I'm just stopping by my place to pick up my keys, I will see you in ten minutes. And Tricia? I can't wait. OK, bye.

Crowd

Surprise!

Martin

You didn't think we were gonna let you stay home alone on your birthday, did ya? Look at his face! He can't believe it.

Frasier

No, I certainly can't.

Daphne

Well, why are you dressed like that?

Frasier

Well, I, I dress like this sometimes when I watch the opera on television.

Bulldog

Well, that's up there on the dork meter.

Frasier

You know, since I'm not going to be watching the opera, perhaps I could run out and buy a brand new videotape so I can record it.

Daphne

We're way ahead of you, Dr. Crane, your father has the VCR all set up.

Bulldog

Let's get things started! Here you go, Doc. Happy birthday. [Hands him a brown bag.]

Frasier

[opening it] Oh, well, thank you Bulldog, thank you all. Oh, well, "David Copperfield," Dickens's classic tale of a young man making his way in the world.

Bulldog

I, uh, think we're talking about different movies, here, Doc.

Frasier

[looking again] Mmm. "David Cop-a-Feel." Well...

Bulldog

But you were right about the classy tail part. Hey, you need a brew? I'm headed that way.

Frasier

No, no thanks.

Roz

I'd love a cup of hot tea with lemon.

Bulldog

Hey, I'm fetching, not cooking.

Daphne

It's OK, Roz. There's a kettle of boiling water on the stove. [She gives a cup to Frasier] Here you are.

Frasier

Yes, well, thank you, Daphne.

Daphne

Now don't be mad with your father. He just wanted to do something nice for your birthday, after you turned thumbs down on the skating monkeys.

Martin

Hey, great party huh? Just as long as we've got enough ice. You got four bags, right?

Daphne

No, I got two.

Martin

Two?! I told you to get four bags!

Daphne

Oh, here we go.

Martin

You never under-budget on the ice. You never know, you might get a lot more rocks drinkers than you expected. Or ice chewers.

Frasier

Dad, I can go get some more ice!

Daphne

We don't need more ice! We've got plenty. There's a whole tub of it.

Frasier

Yes, well, then, excuse me. I need to make a call.

Frasier

Tricia, Frasier. Look, I've been detained. Yes, I know you really don't want to know why. Say, you know what? I think I can find a way to get out of here. Yes, I'll see you in a few minutes.

Frasier

Dad. Bad news, seems your ice is melting awfully fast.

Martin

What?

Frasier

[heading for the door] No worries, I'll get some more.

Roz

[racing ahead of him] No, Frasier, it's your party, I'll go.

Frasier

No, Roz, I want to go.

Roz

But you just got here.

Frasier

Roz, it's my birthday, I can do whatever I want on my birthday, I want to go get some ice.

Martin

[hollering from the kitchen] I knew it! I warned her! It's practically gone!

Frasier

Don't worry, Dad! I'm on it!

Roz

Listen, I'll be glad to go...

Frasier

Roz, I want to go, I know what kind Dad likes!

Frasier

No, no, don't stop on fourteen. Just don't stop on fourteen. No, no!

Allison

Frasier! I'm delighted you're feeling better. You're just in time, we're about to start the film. Wait 'til you see it. [She escorts him inside.] Just grab a chair before all the good seats are gone.

Niles

What are you doing here?

Frasier

Wishing I had taken the stairs.

Karl

If I wanted this martini shaken, I'd have asked the bartender to do it.

Nigel

Mustn't mind old Rhino, always in a vile mood.

Frasier

"Rhino?"

Nigel

Karl Landis, Allison's husband. They call him "Rhino" because of his mean temper.

Niles

[lightly] Husband? Allison's m-married?

Nigel

Not surprised people don't know. Man's always on safari. Loves guns. Guns and women. No secret, notorious for it. Cheats on her constantly. Mark my words, one of these days she'll pay him back and then rub his bloodthirsty nose in it.

Niles

Here's something interesting: I think I just swallowed my tongue. [starts hyperventilating]

Frasier

Niles, Niles, just be calm, be calm. What's done is done. You didn't know, and now it's over. As long as you've both been discreet, there's no reason it should ever get back to Rhino.

Karl

[as the whole room falls silent] I don't know what you're insinuating.

Allison

Well, don't lie. Everyone knows what goes on in that pup tent. Well, I can play at that game too. In fact, I already have, and with somebody right here tonight. How do you like that?

Niles

Frasier, I have to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction, while I have a sex change and move to Europe.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Niles, I would love to stay and help, but I've got to get out of here myself.

Allison

Well, we're ready for the movie. Mind helping me turn out the lights?

Frasier

Splendid idea! You're going to want it nice and dark in here, aren't you?

Niles

You should have told me you were married. I have to leave.

Allison

Don't be a fool. If he sees someone sneaking out of here, that's the first person he'll suspect.

Frasier

All set, and it's show time.

Niles

What happened?

Allison

Did someone pull the plug out?

Frasier

Yep. Here it is! All right, lights out. There you go.

Karl

What was that?

Niles

Well, someone certainly snuck out of here in a hurry.

Karl

I know what you're all thinking. Now that Allison has seen fit to air our dirty laundry in public, you assume that was her lover. But I know it wasn't.

Niles

How?

Karl

Because I can sense that he's still here. In the jungle, I learned to smell fear, and I smell it now.

Karl

So, let's see if the swine has the guts to stand up and admit it before I expose him. What about it, coward? Going to stand up?

Karl

That many? [to Allison] My God, woman, you're as bad as I am. Come on, ya bastards, join me in a drink.

Noel

Hi, Dr. Crane. We're all just on our way up to your place.

Frasier

Noel. So you are. Hi Tom, Janet, Bill. You know what? I was just heading down, we're out of ice.

Noel

Oh, not anymore. I brought a twenty-pound bag. Just call me Noel Shempsky, Party Saver.

Roz

Time!

Frasier

Here's the ice! Here, Noel, put that in the kitchen, will you?

Noel

Sure.

Frasier

Come on in, everybody. You know, Dad, I've done the silliest thing. I went out without my wallet. They gave me the ice, but I have to go back and pay them.

Roz

No, at least stay and play the last round of charades with us.

Frasier

Actually, I should be getting back there...

Daphne

You love [pronounced charhade:]charades.

Martin

[pronounced as spelt] Charades.

Daphne

Shut up. Anyway, it's not going to kill them, to wait a few minutes for their money.

Bulldog

Come on, be on our team. We really suck at this game.

Roz

Noel, you're on our team. The category is famous play titles. [She takes a slip.]

Noel

I'm a bear at charades.

Martin

Ready? All right, go!

Daphne

Three words.

Daphne

Morning.

Noel

Morning Becomes Electra!

Roz

Yes!

Bulldog

What?

Martin

Four seconds?

Frasier

Well, well done Roz! Nice playing with you, I'm out of here.

Roz

Hey, wait a minute. You've got to take a turn.

Frasier

What, really?

Roz

You've got thirty seconds to prepare.

Frasier

Oh, all right. Maybe I'll just...prepare in the kitchen! [He rushes to the kitchen and dials his cell phone.] Tricia! You know, you're going to laugh when you hear this. Hello? Tricia? Oh, fine. [He reads the slip of paper.] Ha, ha, "The Iceman Cometh"!

Frasier

[coming out of the kitchen] All right.

Roz

Ready? OK, go. [Frasier begins gesturing.]

Martin

Three words. First word, small word, arm, in, of, to, be.

Bulldog

It, it, I, you, me.

Martin

They, them, us, we, he, she.

Bulldog

Ok, forget about it. Second word, two syllables. First syllable cold, chilly, freezing, winter,.

Martin

Snow, sleet hail, frost, frostbite, gangrene.

Frasier

Gangrene?!

Roz

No talking allowed.

Bulldog

Second syllable. Shrink. Doctor. Dork.

Martin

Person, guy, male, man.

Bulldog

Let's see, icy cold man...iceman...got it!

Frasier

Thank you!

Bulldog

Frosty the Snowman!

Frasier

No, you jackass! The Iceman Cometh!

Roz

Disqualified.

Frasier

You two are the worst charades players I've ever seen in my entire life! My God, those skating chimps could... Well, you did your best, we'll get it next time. Off I go...

Roz

No, wait, wait, wait Frasier, we still have one little consolation prize for you.

All

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

Daphne

Look, he's crying!

All

Happy birthday dear Frasier, happy birthday to you.

Frasier

Made it!

Tricia

Boy, are you wrong.

Frasier

Oh, Tricia, please...

Tricia

Save it, Frasier. I have a plane leaving for Spokane in An hour, my cab is on its way, so why don't you just be on your way, too?

Frasier

Would it make any difference if I told you I had to sneak out of a birthday party being given for me by my own father just to be here with you?

Tricia

Yeah, right. It's your birthday.

Frasier

[pulling out his license] Look, if you don't believe me, here, just see for yourself. In fact, it's turning out to be the worst birthday party I've had since I was eight, when I pinned the tail on Sally Anunsiato. She shoved a cupcake down my shorts.

Tricia

Wow, you really blew off your own birthday party just to come meet me.

Frasier

I would have done almost anything to get to know you better.

Tricia

Well, that's very sweet, Frasier, and I wish I had more time, but I have an 8 AM appointment in Spokane, and I can't miss my plane.

Frasier

Well, I could drive you.

Tricia

But it's only twenty minutes to the airport, it's hardly worth it.

Frasier

I wasn't talking about the airport.

Tricia

What?

Frasier

I could have you in Spokane in six hours. That'll certainly give us enough time to get acquainted.

Tricia

Oh, no, I can't ask you to do that.

Frasier

But you didn't ask. I offered. Look, I want to do it, here. [He grabs her bag and puts it in his car.]

Tricia

That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Frasier

[opening the door for her] Well, the way I see it, one of two things can happen. Either we'll discover that we've foolishly built each other up in our own imaginations because we've had so much trouble getting together; or, this could end up being a story we tell our grandchildren. Personally, I can't wait to find out which.

Tricia

Me either. [She gets in.]

Frasier

[running around to his side] Oh, boy! [He gets in.] Well, off we go.

Tricia

I thought I'd find us a little background music.

Frasier

Good idea. Looking for some more opera?

Tricia

Heck, no. The one the other night was my first and last. I was dragged to it by one of my converts. [She stops on a country-western station.] There we go.

Frasier

Converts, you say?

Tricia

Mm-hmm. I'm one of the Truth bringers. I was ordained by Brother Carmichael himself, the evangelist? I go door to door, spreading his word. Listen, do you mind my asking something? Have you heard the Truth?

Frasier

Something tells me I'm about to.