Sweet Dreams

Frasier

Well, that's it for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health. [presses button]

Bulldog

All right, move it. We're stood waiting for the booth here. [honks horn]

Frasier

That is not amusing when you do it in the men's room, it's not amusing now!

Gil

All ready then, Bulldog?

Roz

What are you two doing?

Bulldog

We're recording an ad for a new sponsor. We've only got a minute here so scram both of ya! [they begin to leave] Oh, by the way, Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.

Roz

Shut up!

Roz

How sick is that?!

Frasier

Oh, he's just being Bulldog.

Roz

Not that I didn't like hearing it.

Bulldog

Hi, I'm Bulldog Briscoe.

Gil

And I'm Gil Chesterton. When Bulldog and I are out on the town together...

Bulldog

Whether it's opening night at the opera...

Gil

Or rooting our Mariners to victory...

Bulldog

We always round of the evening in the same way: With a nice relaxing cup of "Happy Dreams" tea.

Gil

Mmmm.

Bulldog

We're making some right now. How many lumps do you like, Gil?

Gil

One, please.

Gil

Ouch! Gets me every time.

Bulldog

"Happy Dreams" tea, one cup, you'll have happy dreams the whole night through. [presses button] Yes, perfect! One thing?

Gil

Well, my ouch could be a bit more convincing.

Bulldog

[presses button:] We'll splice that in later.

Frasier

What the hell was that?

Roz

The new station manager's idea. They're getting some of the on-air talent to record commercials for the new sponsors. You're not disappointed he didn't ask you to do it, are you?

Frasier

[sarcastic:] Oh yes Roz, about as disappointed as I was when that hypnotist at the Christmas party picked them to come up on stage and groom each other like monkeys.

Roz

[sarcastic:] Oh yeah, you were really left out at that party! He didn't make you do anything silly. No, sir! [laughs]

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

Oh Daphne, what are you doing here?

Frasier

Hi, Daph.

Daphne

Dr. Crane's car's in the shop so I'm the chauffeur for the day. It may take a while to get home, there's a rally on Pike Street holding up the traffic.

Frasier

Oh, what sort of rally?

Daphne

Apparently they're trying to save some old bookstore from being torn down.

Frasier

Not "Hirsh & Sons"?

Daphne

Yes, that's the one. Some developer wants to build a strip mall there.

Frasier

They can't do that! That's a Seattle landmark. My God, Mark Twain gave a reading there.

Roz

Oh yeah, I know that place. I used to have a boyfriend who liked to make out in the occult section.

Frasier

Frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.

Roz

Good for you, Frasier.

Fraiser

I refuse to stand idly by whilst some fat cat bully rides roughshod over the little people.

Daphne

I don't want to go to a rally.

Frasier

Tough luck! You're the chauffeur!

Daphne

This is actually rather exciting. I must say, I never thought you to be the protest type.

Frasier

Oh, on the contrary, Daphne. I was quite the activist in my college days. There's nothing like throwing your feel as bad to scruffy young rebels thumbing their noses at convention.

Daphne

So, did you go into the whole package then? Long hair, bell bottom jeans?

Frasier

Oh heavens no, though I did have a pair of psychedelic suspenders that raised an eyebrow or two. This seat looks good, don't you think?

Daphne

Yeah.

Leader

Hey this is great, look everybody, it's Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio. [they cheer him] Dr. Crane, would you like to say a few words?

Frasier

[stands] Well, all right. Well, I'll keep it simple. Be strong, people. Our cause is just. To the barricades! [they cheer him and he sits] This is sort of fun, isn't it?

Daphne

Yes.

Cop

People, this is your final warning.

Frasier

Who do you suppose that is?

Daphne

The police, I think.

Cop

Disperse now or we will take action.

Frasier

What do you suppose they mean by that?

Leader

We're not going anywhere, are we? [all except Frasier shout no]

Frasier

You don't think they're talking about a jail sort of thing here, do you?

Daphne

Who knows? Exciting, isn't it?

Leader

They're going to have to drag us out of here, aren't they? [all bar Frasier shout "Yeah"]

Frasier

They don't actually drag people away anymore, do they?

Leader

They're too afraid to arrest us, aren't they? [all bar Frasier shout "Yeah"]

Frasier

Well, now you're just provoking them.

Cop

Alright people, you had your warning. [some are arrested]

Frasier

They weren't kidding. Well, there goes the first lucky martyrs to our cause. Well, as they are dragging people away there'll be none left to protest, you know I better go get some reinforcement.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! Where are you going?

Frasier

Solidarity, my brothers! [runs off to Daphne's shouts as she is arrested too]

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Frasier, I hope you're free tonight. I just secured a table at the most exclusive new restaurant in Seattle.

Frasier

I'm sorry - just not in the mood.

Niles

At least hear me out - this place is the hottest new thing in fusion cuisine.

Frasier

What cuisines are being fused?

Niles

Polynesian and Scandanavian. It's called "Mahole-Valhalla."

Frasier

Well, perhaps there's a reason why God put those two countries so far apart.

Niles

I had my doubts too. But my gourmet newsletter gave three- and-a-half whisks to their coconut herring.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Niles. It's just a bad night. See, Daphne's been hauled down to jail. Dad's down there trying to bail her out.

Niles

[shocked:] What?!

Frasier

Don't worry, they should be home any minute, it's just that she was down at that rally for "Hirsh & Sons" book store. The worst part of it is that I convinced her to go and when they started hauling people away I chickened out and ran.

Niles

You left her there?

Frasier

It was a thoroughly shameful performance. Though I did clear that private hedge in front of Emerson's funeral home like a Kentucky show horse. What has happened to me, Niles? I used to be so courageous. To fight for things. When did I become so middle-aged? So timid?

Niles

Don't be so hard on yourself, it's part of life. We all get a bit more cautious as we get older.

Frasier

Not me! God, it was only five years ago I packed up my whole life in Boston, moved across the country to start over. That took real courage. Now, ha-ha, the biggest risk I take is saying to Dad, "Hey, let's go out to dinner, you pick the restaurant".

Frasier

Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home safe and sound.

Daphne

Sod off!

Martin

She's a little mad at you.

Frasier

Yes, thank you Dad. Daphne, I am so sorry, I feel just terrible.

Daphne

As you should! You left me handcuffed and helpless.

Niles

If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me. [Frasier gives him a look, so he exclaims:] For help!

Daphne

Thank you, Dr. Crane. Shame on you, Dr. Crane, why can't you be more like Dr. Crane? [exits to her room]

Martin

I can't believe it took me six hours to get her out. In my day cops could count on a few perks. No speeding tickets, get your friends out of jail fast... It's all gone to hell!

Frasier

Yes well, let's hope they never do away with that old "All jewelry up for grabs at the morgue" policy.

Niles

Well, there's no way I'm letting this dinner reservation go to waste. Frasier, last chance?

Frasier

Thanks anyway, Niles.

Niles

Very well. Hey Dad, what about you?

Martin

Yeah, you know Niles, maybe I will come get a bite with you. Sitting around six hours in that station house, I could eat anything.

Niles

Let's go, then.

Martin

Oh good, I can't wait. Where are we going anyway? [opens front door]

Niles

Oh, well...

Frasier

Hello, yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. What toppings? Er, just a second. Dad, what do you want on your pizza?

Martin

[enters, leaving Niles alone] Pepperoni.

Frasier

Pepperoni, please.

Patrick

[v.o:] Anyway, we've been fighting a lot and she's never in the mood for sex anymore. I think she must be having an affair.

Frasier

Now, now, Patrick, let's not give in to paranoia. Just because your wife is avoiding sex lately it doesn't mean she's being unfaithful. You said yourself she hasn't been talking lately. Why don't you try reopening the lines of communication tonight by surprising her with a nice romantic dinner?

Patrick

Tonight's no good, she's working late on her boss's boat again. But tomorrow's okay, thanks, Dr. Crane. [hangs up]

Frasier

You know, Roz, what do you say we turn things over to our Eye in the Sky, Chopper Dave, with the traffic report? [presses button]

Roz

Frasier, I want to introduce you to someone. [points to man] This is our new station manager, Kenny Daly.

Frasier

It's a pleasure.

Kenny

Oh, no, no, it's my pleasure. I'm just a - whoa! - huge fan. I only had this reaction once before. Did you ever hear of Norman Mailer?

Frasier

Of course, the author.

Kenny

Oh, no, no, I'm talking about the drive-time guy, worked out of Tampa. "Norman In The Mornin.'" So funny you pray for traffic.

Frasier

Well, I'll try to catch him next time I'm in Tampa. [adds:] In the mornin'.

Kenny

Oh well, I gotta run. It's been great meeting you.

Frasier

You, too.

Kenny

Oh, I almost forgot. I got a call from the "Happy Dreams" tea people. They had a bunch of spots scheduled for the first hour and you forgot to read them.

Frasier

Actually, I didn't forget. I had a look at the copy, and, well, I couldn't read it.

Kenny

Oh, why not?

Frasier

Well, just listen to this here. [reads] One cup of "Happy Dreams" tea and you'll have happy dreams all night long. [then:] The fact is that dreams are a bi-product of unresolved emotion. No tea can promise happy dreams.

Kenny

Oh yeah, I totally get it. Here's my problem - our ad revenues are down and they're a major new sponsor. I just promised them that you'd read the ads this hour.

Frasier

Yes, but as a psychiatrist I can't. They're promising something that's impossible.

Kenny

Okay, okay, now I understand. What if we just think of it more as a slogan?

Frasier

You see, but it's not a slogan. If I as a doctor read it, it sounds like medical advice.

Kenny

Okay, now - totally get you. So, instead of saying "This is Dr. Frasier Crane," just don't say doctor.

Frasier

Kenny, maybe I'm not making myself clear here. Let's try this - I will never read this copy.

Kenny

Oh, this is the part of my job I really hate. If you take a stand like that - and I totally respect it, by the way - you force my hand. That's our biggest sponsor. So unless you're willing to go on the air right now and read that ad, I have to fire you.

Roz

[worried:] Ten seconds, Frasier. [runs into her booth]

Frasier

Well, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about it. I guess I have no choice.

Kenny

Oh, thanks, Dr. Crane. Oh, what a relief! [exits into Roz;s booth]

Frasier

[presses button] Hello Seattle, the people who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man who betrays his principles. I am not a man who misleads his listeners and I am not a man who will shrink from a fight. Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show. But rather than truffle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principal, even if it means... [Roz enters his booth] I'm not on the air, am I?

Roz

No. He put on "The Best of Crane."

Frasier

How much did I get out?

Roz

Well, let's see. [presses button:]

Frasier

[v.o:] People who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man. [stops]

Frasier

Perfect.

Niles

So they actually fired you?

Frasier

[thrilled:] Yes. I must say it feels good to take a stand like this. I feel like my old self again. I tell ya' one thing - I don't envy Kenny. [laughs] Feeling the cold stares of the other employees because he's fired the station's most popular personality.

Niles

He fired Tooty, the story lady, too?

Frasier

Very funny, Niles. [laughs] God, who'd have thought that getting fired can make one feel so alive?

Frasier

What do you want? Another staring contest, I suppose. Well, you picked the wrong day for that, boyo.

Frasier

Take that!

Martin

[enters] Frasier, what are you doing home?

Frasier

Well, Dad, brace yourself. The station fired me, so you'll be seeing me this time everyday.

Martin

Oh no, that's terrible.

Frasier

I assume you mean the firing part.

Martin

[covering up:] Well, yeah... What happened?

Frasier

Well, they simply asked me to violate a principal I believe in, and I refused.

Martin

Well, then I'm proud of you. What did they want you to do?

Frasier

Well, there's this product called "Happy Dreams" tea. They wanted me to say that it gives people happy dreams.

Martin

And?

Frasier

Well, that's it. I couldn't make a claim like that.

Martin

Well, every commercial makes promises they can't deliver. That's what makes it a commercial.

Frasier

Yes, Dad, that may be...

Martin

It's like that cologne that's supposed to drive women wild. I've used it all my life and I've never had a single strange woman come on to me. Except for that year I worked in Vice.

Frasier

Yes, I understand.

Martin

But that wasn't about cologne, let me tell ya.

Frasier

Yes, I understand.

Martin

They were hookers.

Frasier

I realize that!

Niles

Frasier, don't be angry with me but I do have one theory.

Frasier

Yes, Niles, I was wondering when you'd get around to that. So, just allow me. I was so ashamed of my chickening out at the rally that I grabbed at the first fight that came my way. Of course it turned out to be the wrong fight and I needlessly lost my job. So, if you follow that theory through to this end - this petty feeling of euphoria I'm experiencing right now is frankly nothing more than a deep- seated denial.

Niles

So, have you considered it?

Frasier

[loud:] Not for a second!

Frasier

Hello.

Kenny

Look, I know I must be the last person you want to see right now, but please listen. Since I fired you I haven't been able to eat or sleep.

Frasier

Kenny, it's only been and hour and a half.

Kenny

Well, I'm a napper. I just came to tell you I was wrong. All I've been able to think about was "I just fired a man who was willing to go to the mat for the principles." What does that say about my principles? Before I go on - have you had any job offers?

Martin

[shouts] He's had four.

Niles

Dad...

Martin

[quietly:] shut up

Niles

He's...

Martin

[quietly:] shut up, shut up

Frasier

Technically, I'm still available.

Kenny

Well, I'd like you to think about coming back to work tomorrow because the first thing in the morning I'm calling the "Happy Dreams" people and telling them you're uncomfortable with their ads. At KACL, the talent comes first.

Frasier

Well, what can I say but, see you tomorrow.

Kenny

This is so great. I'm so relieved. [shakes his hand] You know what, can I buy you a beer just to show we have no hard feelings?

Frasier

I would love that, as long as I don't have to endorse it afterwards.

Kenny

[laughs] Ow, Ouch! [laughs] Zing, I guess I had that one coming. [laughs, then to Martin and Niles] Nice meeting you.

Niles

Bye.

Martin

See ya.

Frasier

Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I would like to begin today by apologizing for my abrupt departure from the airwaves yesterday. You see, I was embroiled in a conflict with the management. I'm happy to report that it's been resolved. Thank you to the efforts of our new station manager, a courageous and principled young man, Ken Daly. I won't bore you with all the details but suffice it to say he took on the big guys and won.

Frasier

Anyway, I apologize for our brief interruption yesterday and I assure you... [notices the scene behind him] That today's will be even briefer. Roz, let's go to commercial. [opens door and pulls Kenny into booth] Kenny, Kenny, what's going on?

Kenny

Actually, it's the darndest thing. I got fired.

Frasier

What?! How did that happen?

Kenny

Well, I told the sponsors you wouldn't read their ads. The next thing I know I'm getting called into Mr. Martin's office in the Black Tower. I told him that sponsors are easier to replace than talent. He said I was easier to replace than anybody. Then he called me a pinhead and took my coke away.

Roz

That's terrible.

Frasier

Oh, Kenny, I can't help feeling that this is all my fault.

Kenny

Oh, no, no, these things happen. And if I've got to get fired sticking up for someone, I'm just honored it was for you. At least now I'll have time to finish the nursery in our new house. We're expecting. [his pager beeps, he looks at it] Oh, there's my wife now. She's going to get a kick out of this coincidence. Me and her getting fired in the same week. [points to phone in other booth:] May I?

Frasier

Of course. [exits to Roz's booth] Well, we have got to get Kenny's job back.

Roz

Well, how are we supposed to do that?

Frasier

Well, we'll just round up all the talent, go down to Mr. Martin and demand that he re-hire Kenny.

Roz

Mr. Martin owns the station. We can't give him an ultimatum.

Frasier

It's not an ultimatum, Roz, we'll simply appeal to the man's sense of decency. You know Kenny went to bat for me, we owe him at least that.

Roz

You know, Kenny hasn't asked for our help, for all we know he'll be fine.

Kenny

[enters] How do you like that? She's having twins! Heck of a time to loose my insurance, huh? Well, you guys take care.

Frasier

Now together, I know that we can do this. The most important thing is to present a united front.

Frasier

Well, what is the matter with you people?

Gil

Isn't it obvious? We're frightened.

Frasier

Of what?

Roz

Of everything. We're in a building called the Black Tower, those guards in the lobby must have been seven feet tall, and that metal detector thing we had to go through was really scary.

Bulldog

It's even scarier finding out that Gil wears an anklet.

Frasier

Alright, that's enough! Get out of the elevator all, of you. [they do] Because I'm ashamed of you, intimidated by a building. We're here for Kenny - the man who wants to start KACL daycare, Roz; the man who approved the extra airbrushing charges on your new publicity photos, Gil. And you Tooty, who was it that just doubled the story-time puppet budget?

Tooty

I know, Kenny's a great guy, but I met Joe Martin once. He was a very scary man with eyes as cold as a winter's day...

Frasier

Oh all right, Tooty!

Frasier

Mr. Martin, hello.

Joe

Do you have an appointment?

Frasier

Mr. Martin, my name is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'm here with some of the other talent from KACL - my producer, Roz Doyle; Gil Chesterton, food critic; Bob Briscoe, sports; Tooty Finegould, the story lady; Ray Schmit, the Greengrocer and Miss Judy, arts and crafts - I'm sorry, Judy, I don't know your last name.

Joe

I don't have time for this, I'm in the middle of a board meeting. Please.

Frasier

This will only take a moment, Mr. Martin. This morning you fired Kenny Daly, a wonderful station manager and a man of integrity. That is a very rare quality in this industry, I promise you. You fire all the Kenny Dalys, what are you left with? A bunch of sycophants and "yes" men. Am I right?

All

[agreeing with him] Yes, you're right.

Frasier

Now, it would be a great risk to hire Kenny back, but I'm here to tell you that the man who stops taking risks in life pays a very dear price indeed. I know whereof I speak. I can see that I'm getting through to you, so let me just leave you with one last question: what kind of radio station do you want?

Joe

You know, Dr. Crane, that is the exact question I've been asking myself all through that board meeting. As you know, our ratings are down and the number crunchers in there think they can fix this thing by sucking up to our sponsors. He- he, well that's not what I think!

Frasier

Bravo!

Joe

Thanks to you, I'm going with my gut on this one.

Frasier

You bet you are!

Joe

I'm going to march right in there and tell them that we're doing it my way. No more talk!

Frasier

Exactly, action!

Joe

No, no more talk radio. From this moment on, the station is all Latina music, all the time.

Frasier

I beg your pardon?

Joe

Thank you, Dr. Crane, I'm going back to my roots. I may have walked out of that meeting Joe Martin, corporate sellout. But I'm walking back in José Martinez, risk-taker.

Frasier

What the hell just happened?

Roz

You just got us all fired!