Halloween

Niles

Trick or treat! Or should I say, "Pip Pip!"

Martin

What's with the outfit?

Niles

This is part of your costume for tonight. I just picked it up for you.

Martin

What? I thought you said you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.

Niles

Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!

Martin

Who the hell's that?

Niles

He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.

Martin

Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's "Wimsey!" Ah no, forget it, I'm just gonna wear my old police uniform.

Niles

You can't. It's a Halloween ball for the Library Association, you have to come dressed as a character from literature.

Martin

Oh, why didn't I just tell Sherry I'd go with her to visit her mother in prison?

Niles

Come on, Dad, it'll be fun! I'm going to go as Cyrano de Bergerac—musician, philosopher, fighter, poet! [he grabs Martin's cane and brandishes it like a rapier] The greatest friend and the bravest swordsman alive! [notices] Eew, what's all over your cane?

Martin

I don't know. I dropped it in the movie theater last night.

Frasier

I love this picture! You look adorable in that!

Daphne

Oh, I do not! You just like it because you look so handsome in it.

Frasier

Well, the camera doesn't lie, you know.

Martin

What are you two giggling about?

Daphne

Oh, we're just looking at the snapshots from our trip to the microbrewery.

Niles

That must have been especially fun for you, Dad. [looks at some of the photos] You're not in any of these.

Martin

That's 'cause I didn't go. That was the day Eddie got into the poison oak. I was up all night rubbing calamine lotion on his belly.

Frasier

These really are the golden years for you, aren't they?

Niles

So it was just you and Frasier?

Daphne

Yes. [chuckles] Your brother and I got pretty silly after tasting all that beer.

Frasier

Now, now, Daphne there's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night.

Daphne

Yes, we got a bit naughty!

Niles

Well, not too naughty, I hope.

Daphne

Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, I know what you're thinking. But not to worry. After all that drinking, we didn't drive home. We spent the night in a motel.

Niles

Well, that takes a load off my mind.

Frasier

Well, Niles, uh, what time is this little soiree of yours this evening?

Martin

Yeah, I still got to get the velvet in my slippers re- crushed.

Niles

All right, Dad, I will find you a Sherlock Holmes outfit. [to Frasier] Seven P.M. Which reminds me, I have to get home before Marta arrives to set up. She's arachnophobic, poor thing. Last Halloween she beat my centerpiece to bits with a broom.

Frasier

Well, perhaps we should go finish up those costumes, [British accent] eh, waif?

Daphne

Yes!

Niles

Did you say "wife?"

Daphne

Hasn't your brother told you? Dr. Crane is going as Geoffrey Chaucer from "The Canterbury Tales", and I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath!

Frasier

[accent] Yes, and a saucy little strumpet she is too!

Daphne

[laughing] Oh, you naughty rogue! We've been having quite a time talking to each other like that.

Martin

Yeah, it's been Ye Olde Laugh Riot around here.

Daphne

Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?

Frasier

After you, my juicy wench!

Niles

"My juicy wench?" [into phone] No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! [to Frasier] I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

Roz

On line three we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.

Frasier

Go ahead, Ted.

Frasier

Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.

Roz

On line two we have Bill. He's going through a very difficult transition.

Frasier

Hello, Bill.

Dorothy

[v.o.] Uh, hello? Is someone there?

Frasier

Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?

Dorothy

This is Dorothy.

Roz

Oh, Bill's on line one!

Frasier

Yes, well, let's just stick with Dorothy for the time being. How can I help you?

Dorothy

You can get me Roz. I'm her manicurist, and she called for an appointment.

Roz

I'll call you back later, Dorothy.

Frasier

Perhaps we'd better take a moment to regroup. I'd like to apologize for the unusually high number of technical difficulties we've experienced today, and now we will go to these public service messages.

Frasier

Explain yourself!

Roz

I'm just a little off my game today.

Frasier

A little?

Roz

O.K., a lot.

Frasier

Roz, you come in here looking ghoulish even for Halloween, and you sleepwalk your way through my entire show!

Roz

Oh... I'm sorry, Frasier.

Frasier

"Sorry" just doesn't cut it, Roz! What possible explanation can there be for this level of unprofessionalism?!

Roz

I think I'm pregnant.

Frasier

Pregnant?

Roz

Well, I don't know for sure. I took one of those home tests, and it was kind of iffy, so I went to see my doctor, and he's gonna call me with results.

Frasier

But, Roz, how—?

Roz

I don't know how! No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds.

Frasier

Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.

Roz

Frasier, promise me you won't tell anyone.

Frasier

Oh, of course not, Roz. But frankly, we don't know if we have anything to tell yet.

Roz

What if there is?

Frasier

Then we'll deal with that when we have to. No use crossing that bridge till we come to it.

Roz

I can't get my mind off it!

Frasier

Well, you know Niles's party is tonight. That should serve as a distraction.

Roz

Oh, Frasier, I don't think I'm up for that.

Frasier

Oh, come on, Roz!

Roz

Well, I did rent a costume and everything.

Frasier

For me? It'll be fun! You know you want to.

Roz

That's exactly the kind of talk that got me into this.

Bulldog

Hey, tell your brother I'm coming to his charity thing tonight. I just found the perfect costume!

Frasier

And as what literary character will you be attending?

Bulldog

Waldo! [Frasier looks at him blankly] From "Where's Waldo?" He's like in sixteen books! You call yourself well-read.

Niles

Niles Crane. Maris! Where are you? Still at the beauty parlor? What—no, calm down, calm down, stop crying. It can't be as bad as all that. Exactly how much hair do you have left? Oh...

Niles

Well, don't panic, we just have to find another character for you to be tonight. Uh, there's an Ionesco play called "The Bald Soprano!" [chuckles] No I'm joking, Maris. What? You've got to come! Maris, for God's sake, you have thirty-seven wigs, just go down to the wig vault and pick one! Maris, this evening means a great deal to me. I need you here with me. Do you care about my feelings at all? [Maris hangs up] Well, that answers that.

Frasier

So, how's the party?

Daphne

Actually, we just got here. We had a bit of a delay when Sherlock here led us to the wrong apartment.

Martin

Oh, so we're a minute late. I noticed you didn't complain when the old lady gave us peanut butter cups.

Niles

Evening, all! Oh, what lovely costumes! Daphne, you look particularly beautiful.

Daphne

Oh, thanks. I'm not sure I agree. It's a bit tight—must have put on a pound or two.

Frasier

[accent] That's enough out of you, you wanton troll, or I'll smite your bawdy backside with the flat of me sinewy right hand!

Martin

At least on the ride over her I could stick my head out the window. So where's the bar?

Niles

That's right over here, I'm serving grog and mead.

Martin

Which one tastes most like beer?

Frasier

Oh, Roz! Oh, I'm so glad you came! Any word from the doctor?

Roz

No, and I am going crazy. I can't even picture myself as a mother, can you?

Frasier

Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem.

Daphne

Wow, Roz, don't you look smashing!

Eve

What an interesting costume! Who are you?

Roz

I'm "O", from "The Story of 'O'".

Guests

Oh . . .

Roz

It's gonna be a long night.

Daphne

Well, I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you.

Roz

Oh no! Oh God, not a glow! [calms down] I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had... kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?

Daphne

Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.

Roz

Thank you.

Daphne

Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?

Roz

Not exactly.

Guy

Oh, hello.

Roz

Hi.

Guy

Are you here alone?

Roz

Oh God, I hope so.

Gil

Oh my! What a delectable medley of fromagean splendor! You must try one.

Martin

[tries one] Mmm, cheesy.

Gil

Mmm, yes. "Cheesy"—the mot juste. It must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.

Martin

Yep. So who're you suppose to be?

Gil

Chingatchkook — I'm the Last of the Mohicans!

Martin

Oh! Well... that little mystery solved.

Frasier

Daphne, have you seen Roz?

Daphne

Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.

Frasier

She told you about it?

Niles

Champagne?

Frasier

Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone.

Daphne

Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, really?

Daphne

Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...

Frasier

Oh...

Daphne

I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.

Frasier

I had no idea.

Daphne

Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.

Frasier

Really? I had no... really? Well, of course nothing's certain until we get the pregnancy test results.

Daphne

Pregnancy? We're not talking about a car accident, are we?

Frasier

Oh dear.

Daphne

Roz is pregnant?

Frasier

Absolutely not! Where could you get such an insane notion?

Daphne

Well, you just said she was!

Frasier

Shut up! Or I'll smite you with the back of me sinewy — oh, just get in here!

Niles

Did you notice where Frasier went?

Martin

No idea.

Niles

What about Daphne?

Martin

Haven't a clue.

Niles

Holmes, you astound me.

Frasier

Oh, I feel so guilty. Roz swore me to secrecy. I never should have said anything.

Daphne

It's not your fault, you thought I knew. Do you have a tissue? These silly lashes are killing my eyes. I must be allergic to the adhesive.

Frasier

Just promise me you won't tell a soul. We've got to keep this secret.

Daphne

Oh, right! But we can't keep it a secret forever. My God, we are talking about a baby.

Frasier

Oh, how could I have been so careless?

Daphne

These things happen, it's not your fault.

Frasier

Yes, well, you know who'll get the blame if this ever gets out!

Daphne

Don't worry, I'll protect your reputation. I'll tell everyone I forced you to it.

Frasier

All right. We'd better get back to the party before people start wondering about us.

Frasier

Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about?

Frasier

Well, there's a literary "figure" I'd like to know better.

Niles

Just a moment, I need a word with you.

Frasier

What about?

Niles

Stay there, I've guests to greet.

Kids

Trick or treat!

Niles

How did you get past the doorman?

Dracula

We live in the building.

Niles

Well, I'm sorry, this isn't a good night for this.

Dracula

But it's Halloween!

Niles

Uh! Very well! [grabs an hors d'oeuvre tray from a maid] Crab puff for you, and some gravlax for you, and pate for Dracula. Now off you go!

Niles

I need to talk to you!

Frasier

Not now, Niles! [to Eve] Let me guess... Lady Godiva?

Eve

No, Eve — from the Bible.

Frasier

Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book."

Niles

What are you doing? Are you just going to abandon Daphne?

Frasier

Niles, just because I gave her a ride doesn't mean I have to spend the whole evening with her!

Bulldog

Hey! Hey, get a load of that schnozzola!

Bulldog

No, wait, wait! Guess who I am?

Niles

I give up.

Bulldog

I'm Waldo! From "Where's Waldo?" You know, that guy you can't find because he blends into the crowd?

Niles

I don't know, but I'd love a demonstration.

Frasier

And to think, all that time your cat was curled up in your sock drawer. They're almost human, aren't they?

Niles

Pardon me, I need a word alone with my brother.

Frasier

[whispering] Not now, Niles! I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet!

Niles

It's urgent!

Frasier

Just keep your voice down! [to Eve] I'm sorry, will you excuse me?

Eve

Sure, but hurry back.

Niles

Your boorish behavior is simply appalling! I can no longer hold my tongue!

Frasier

Replace "tongue" with "liquor," and I'll believe you! You're drunk, Niles!

Niles

Drunk like a fox! [looks around, then] I know about the baby.

Frasier

You do?

Niles

Yes!

Frasier

Who told you?

Niles

I heard it from Daphne's own lips!

Frasier

Daphne! That blabbermouth! I'll wring her neck!

Niles

Listen to yourself! Have you no conscience?

Frasier

Niles, you're getting awfully exercised about this.

Niles

We're talking about a single woman with a baby! What do you intend to do about it?

Frasier

Well, I suppose I could give her a raise!

Niles

That's your idea of responsibility? Give her a raise?

Frasier

Well, what do you want me to do, marry her? Let's look at something here, buddy, she's the one that got pregnant! [notices Roz standing next to them, glaring] Hello, Roz.

Roz

Beat it, Niles!

Niles

Stay here!

Roz

I am so mad at you I could scream! How could you tell Niles about the baby?

Frasier

I didn't! Daphne told him, the damnable chatterbox!

Roz

And who told Daphne?

Frasier

Well... that would be me!

Niles

Ah! What is it with all you children, isn't it past your bedtime?!

Krovitz

Dr. Crane, it's me, Dr. Krovitz.

Niles

[recovering quickly] Of course it is, and this must be your lovely wife Sylvia.

Krovitz

I don't know her.

Alice

Trick or treat!

Roz

What is wrong with you? I specifically asked you not to tell anyone.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Roz, but the way she spoke it sounded as if she already knew you were having a baby!

Martin

What, you are?

Roz

Oh, great! Nice going, Frasier.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry, Roz, but he is the Master of Deduction! He would have figured it out anyway!

Niles

Just let it out. I'm here for you.

Daphne

I keep telling you, I'm not crying. It's my damn lashes.

Niles

As courageous as you are beautiful. Oh, you shouldn't be drinking this poison! [takes her champagne glass, then notices Roz] Here, Roz, drink this.

Daphne

Roz, do you have a tissue?

Roz

If you don't see it, I don't have it! [calms down] I'm sorry. Do you want to go get a cocktail napkin?

Niles

Hurry back, brave girl! Oh, just look at her, poor thing.

Martin

What are you talking about?

Niles

Oh, I suppose you'll find out soon enough. There's a baby on the way.

Martin

Oh, you know about that too?

Niles

Who told you?

Martin

Well, I heard Frasier and Roz talking about it.

Niles

You don't seem very surprised.

Martin

Well, [chuckles] I mean I'm fond of her. But let's face it, she's no Sunday school teacher. She's been around the block a few times!

Niles

Well, instead of heaping scorn on her, you might put the blame where it belongs, on Frasier! Look at him, the shameless Casanova!

Martin

What's Frasier got to do with this?

Niles

He's the father!

Martin

What?! Are you kidding me?

Frasier

Well, I heard it from his own mouth!

Martin

Well, I don't believe it! I've got to go talk to him!

Niles

Wait, wait! [words slightly slurred] I've just made a montentous decision! There's one person in this family who still has a sense of honor and decency. Frasier may not be able to do right by that woman, but I will!

Martin

What are you talking about?

Niles

I'm going to propose to her.

Martin

Are you nuts? You're still married.

Niles

Maris never needed me. But there's a woman here who does.

Martin

Boy, I didn't know you even liked her.

Niles

Yes, I wore that mask well. But now it's time to do the honorable thing!

Martin

Oh, you mean divorce your wife and marry the woman who's carrying your brother's child?

Niles

[confused for a second, but] I've made up my mind. Nothing's going to stop me, Dad!

Gil

Uh, excuse me, Niles. I'm afraid there's been a bit of an hors d'oeuvre mishap on your Persian rug. Just call me "Fumbles With Crab Puffs."

Niles

Not now, Gil.

Daphne

There's no use fretting until you know for sure. God, my eyes are just getting worse. I suppose I should ask Dr. Crane to take me home. But I feel bad ruining his good time. I was having fun too—there are some very attractive men here!

Daphne

But who's going to want me in this condition?

Roz

Oh, don't worry about Frasier. He'll take care of you.

Niles

[cackling drunkenly] That's a laugh! Beat it, Roz.

Daphne

Dr. Crane!

Roz

Never mind, I got to go check my machine.

Niles

Daphne, we've known each other for four years now, so I want to take the time to phrase this just right.

Daphne

Yeah, well, you take all the time you need. I have to go find your brother.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, can I talk to you for a second?

Frasier

[to Eve] I'm sorry, will you excuse me?

Eve

It's all right. I'll go freshen my lipstick. I feel naked without it.

Frasier

Haven't you ruined my evening enough already?!

Daphne

What are you talking about?

Frasier

I am talking about you and your blabbermouth! Niles told me you told him about the baby!

Daphne

I did not!

Frasier

Oh, don't play innocent with me!

Daphne

Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes!

Frasier

Oh well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault! You should have read the directions on the package before you used it!

Daphne

I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me! I just know I need a lift home right now!

Frasier

Oh, all right! But I am not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number. So you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like! I'm sorry, I am very attracted to this young woman, and I am not going to let you and your little problem stand in my way!

Niles

[can take no more] THAT'S ENOUGH!

Frasier

Niles, get your big nose out of this! And lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself!

Niles

The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother! You cad, you bounder, you roué!

Frasier

What is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?

Niles

We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one! And before you deny it, I have plenty of proof!

Frasier

From here, it smells like eighty proof!

Niles

A woman stands here before you in dire need...

Daphne

It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.

Niles

Indeed you can.

Martin

[realizing what he thinks] Niles—

Niles

I told you, don't try to stop me! [to Frasier] You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, and then you aren't man enough to stand by her?!

Frasier

Niles, before you make a complete ass of yourself—

Niles

Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!

Daphne

But, Dr. Crane—

Niles

No, no! No, don't defend him! [takes off his hat and kneels in front of Daphne, taking her hand] There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another. Daphne... will you marry me?

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one that's pregnant, Roz is!

Niles

[derailed] Roz is?

Eve

Who's Roz?

Bulldog

She's the one dressed like "O."

Guests

Oh...

Daphne

That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz.

Martin

If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier!

Frasier

What?

Martin

How could you do that? Get her pregnant?

Gil

It was Frasier?

Frasier

No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby!

Frasier

In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby!

Roz

We do now.